All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S06E14 - Anniversaries (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

"Leslie Knope and
Ben Wyatt were married

"one year ago this week
at the Pawnee City Hall.

"The bride wore a gown made
by her friend, Ann Perkins.

"And the groom wore
a butt so perfect,

"it could make
an angel hang itself."

You wrote this, didn't you?

I did.
They cut it way down.

Thank God. Okay. So, the
big day is tomorrow.

So, let's go over this again.

What are the anniversary rules?

At least 100 kisses, dinner
at 7:00, and no gifts.

That's right. No gifts.

No gifts.

No gifts.

Oh, I'm getting him a gift.

I always say that I'm not
going to get him a gift,

and Ben always believes me.
And then, bam.

I surprise him with
the best gift of all time.

He makes the cutest, dopiest
face when he's surprised.

It's like, "What!"

I'm not going to make my
stupid surprise face this year

because this time, I got her
the most amazing gift ever.

And she'll never see it coming
because I'm giving it to her today.

One day early.

So, she's going to
make the face this year.

She will make that stupid face!

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for Pawnee Public Radio

comes from the Edgar C. And Janis R.
Lumway Foundation,

and the Richard and Lois
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Dedicated to the idea
that all human beings

deserve a chance to
hear about foundations.

Welcome to Thought
For Your Thoughts.

I'm your Pawneean host,
Derry Murbles.

And I'm your Eagletonian host,
August Clementine.

Yes. If you have not heard
our program in a while,

Thought For Your Thoughts
now has a co-host,

thanks to
the Pawnee-Eagleton merger.

I believe that is the "Eagleton-Pawnee
merger," n'est-ce pas?

I'd like to apologize
to our listeners

for my co-host's sudden and
violent outburst just now.

Our guest is former City
Councilwoman Leslie Knope.

Leslie, thought...

For your thoughts, I said it.

Absorb the aggression, Derry.

Absorb the aggression.

Well, I just want to say thank
you so much for having me.

It is a thrill to be here.

As a listener, I think the
merging of your two shows

has really created such a big,
quiet, arcane ball of fun.

It's been a couple of months since
Pawnee and Eagleton officially merged.

Things are going okay.

There's still a little animosity
between the two towns.

I haven't seen
Pawneeans this mad

since Frankie's discontinued
their pizza stuffed crust pizza.

It was a pizza whose crust was
stuffed with little pizzas.

And the crusts of those little
pizzas was made of chocolate.

Ms. Knope, I understand
you're here today

to try to convince us that this
disastrous merger of our two towns was,

in any way, a good idea.

Yes, there were some
bumps and bruises,

and a brief rash of arson,

and a rather large-scale
brawl at the dump.

But overall, the state of
the merger is very strong.

Scoff.

Did you just say
the word "scoff"?

You must admit, Ms. Knope,

that the merging of the towns has
been fraught with antipathy.

For example, I now have to share
my studio with a fatuous twerp

who shall remain nameless.

This "twerp" has a name.

And it's August N'gutu
Liebowitz-Clementine.

Guys? Hello?

Thank you so much for letting
me help plan your anniversary.

It is so wonderful to be
part of such a special day.

Okay. Remember,
under no circumstances

can Leslie know
about what's going on.

She has to make that face.
Do you understand?

I don't, fully.
But my lips are sealed.

I asked for Larry's
help because he has the

most successful
marriage of anyone I know.

To a gorgeous woman.

Which, honestly,
is still a mystery to me.

Was it a hypnosis
accident or something,

where they put Gayle under and
made her fall in love with Larry

and never said the magic word
to snap her out of it?

Like, if I say "nutmeg," will she
wake up and start screaming?

What kind of pet are you
interested in adopting?

We have dogs, cats, rabbits...

Um, I work here, so,
legally, you can adopt me.

The girls want an actual dog,

and they want it
to look like this.

Interesting.

So, like a banana
made of spiders?

I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Children are terrible artists.

And artists are crooks.

I think I know a good dog.

There he is.
Ron, how about this guy?

Yes, he is a handsome fellow.

Hello, dog.
I'll take him.

That was easy. Awesome.

Well, Donna can help you
get started on the paperwork.

Donna?

Oh. God, she's always just
leaving and not telling me.

Hello, caller.
You have a comment?

Yeah. Ever since the merger,

we've had a really
bad trash problem.

Well, yes, there has
been some confusion

with some of the garbage routes,

and the Sanitation Department
is stretched a little thin...

No, I mean Eagletonians
are human garbage,

and we should throw
them in a dumpster.

Ka-pow!

Yeah, I really
like the merger,

but I hate that Eagleton
was forced to join Pawnee.

Well, that's what the merger is.

Oh. Yeah, then,
I hate the merger.

I think
the merger was great.

And I think Leslie
Knope did an amazing job.

I don't know who
this is, but I agree.

It's Andy.
Hey.

I'm on the radio.

Well, that's all the time we have
on Thought For Your Thoughts.

I'm Derry Murbles.

And I'm August Clementine,
and I talked last.

Good day.

Is this land mine
still functional?

Partially.

Why? Because I want to
blow up Donna's desk

so I can teach her a lesson about
what happens when you skip work.

I'm not sure that's how
you should go about this.

I'm kind of her boss now, but I
still feel weird disciplining her.

What do I do?

Look her in the eyes and tell her
exactly what you need from her.

Be mature, direct and firm.

What? Some fool just
slammed me on Yelp.

I took Ron's advice.

I very maturely and
straight-forwardly

left anonymous comments
about Donna online.

"Stopped by to adopt a dog,

"but the employee, Donna Meagle,
was nowhere to be found.

"Thanks for nothing,
Donna Meagle. Boo."

With five "O's."

Oh, my God, that sucks.

Just have to work
harder, I guess, huh?

This freak thinks he can hide
behind some anonymous username?

I'm about to hunt you down.

Don't be upset, Leslie.
No one listens to the radio.

I wasn't even listening.
I was listening to podcasts.

Podcasts are great.
Radio is boring.

Tom, this merger needs a win.

Something symbolic
and bright and happy

that will show that there's a
light at the end of the tunnel.

God, I am so stressed.

Uh, Leslie, may I
borrow you for a second?

Something very
special to show you.

Now is not the time, Larry.
Please leave.

I think you...

Larry. What are
you still doing here?

Oh, geez. Okay.

I just wish Pawnee and Eagleton
were as happy as Ben and me.

Yeah, by the way,
I was going to mention,

you look really
old in this picture.

What?

Andy, this is the picture of us.

This is the picture of an elderly
couple, Rosie and Doug DeMarco.

They've been
married for 50 years.

"Rosie hails from Pawnee,
while Doug

"is originally from
the former Eagleton."

Oh, my God. This is perfect.

A Pawnee-Eagleton couple that
has been married for 50 years

is a perfect symbol of how
our towns can get along.

And we are going to hold them up

as an example of
Pawnee-Eagleton unity.

Whoo! I'm getting
the epiphany sweats.

Stop where you are and take off
your clothes. It's couples massage.

Ugh! Where's Leslie?

Oh, Well, she seemed
kind of stressed out,

and then she yelled at me and she
said she was too busy to come.

And since you had said,
"Do not tell her

the secret under
any circumstance,"

I felt...
Oh, man.

Well, that's the danger of doing
things a day early, I guess.

Should I text her, try again?

Why don't you just go ahead,
get your massage,

and then, hopefully, we can get
her in for the next thing.

Okay. I have been
kind of tense lately,

just thinking about
the new Star Wars sequel.

I'm afraid they're going
to rely too heavily on CGI,

and I'm carrying it
all in my shoulders.

Just you?
You paid for a couple.

Well, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but, uh...

Larry, would you like to get
a couple's massage with me?

I would love to.

Are you sure we should do this?

The last time we scared an old
person, Larry had a heart attack.

That was awesome.
He farted so much.

Okay, look. Obviously, we don't
really know these people,

so let's keep things fun and positive
and celebratory and merger-y.

Can I help you?

Hello, Mrs. DeMarco.
I am Leslie Knope,

and we saw your announcement
in the newspaper,

and we would love to treat you and
your husband to a very special day.

All right.
How much money did we win?

Oh, no, you didn't win any money. You
won something better than money.

A golden
anniversary celebration.

So, no money?

No.

And I'm now just realizing how
misleading this giant check is.

Told you.
Yes, you did, Tom.

Thank you.
Now's not the time.

We... Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!

Uh... We'll give
you some money. Okay?

Here. Here's some money.
Everybody, give them money.

I've got football cards
and a travel mouthwash.

Wow, that's great!

Let's get started!

Just give me the I.P.
Address of the dude

that gave me that
cracked-out Yelp review.

Okay, here we go.
The I.P. Address says

it came from
someone inside City Hall.

In this building?
Oh, hell, no.

Well, who cares,
really. It's just some

dumb Internet person.
Ignore it.

Ignore it?

I'm about to come down on this
dude like Thor's hammer, Mjolnir.

I'm about to go
Mjolnir on his ass.

Speaking of bad reviews...

Computers are mostly pointless.

But that Yelp thing
gave me a great idea

on how to criticize
people and places.

I am composing strongly-worded letters
about things I disapprove of,

and I am using the Internet to get
addresses where I can send them.

So far, I have
written to a vegetable farm,

several European ambassadors,
a manufacturer of male cologne

and a non-fat
frozen yogurt bar.

"Dear frozen yogurt, you are
the celery of desserts.

"Be ice cream, or be nothing.

"Zero stars."

Oh, I cannot wait for
Leslie to see this surprise.

I am so prepared.

I watched Enchanted three times
to get all the details right.

And then, another two times
because that movie is amazing.

Oh, it really is.

Hello?
Oh, hey, Leslie. Uh...

You want to go
grab lunch together?

I'm out front. Super casual.

Sorry, babe,

I'm not even in my office.
I'm out saving the merger.

Can it wait?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No worries.
- Okay. Great.

I'll see you at dinner.
I love you.

Oh, boy.

Well, it's not too
late to cancel

the waffle buffet or
the Hillary impersonator,

but a lot of these deposits
were non-refundable. Oh.

Hey, Larry, you up for a boys' day
out in a horse-drawn carriage?

Sure. What the heck.

Well, thus begins our
Enchanted adventure.

God, that movie
really was amazing.

You know what doesn't get
enough credit in that movie?

Music.
The score.

Good sir, tally-ho.

Kind sir, that's from the movie!

That is definitely
from the movie.

Okay, you two.
Head on up there.

We are going to recreate your
wedding photo from 50 years ago.

Okay.
Let's re-live that day.

Only this time, could
we shave her mustache?

Oh, boy, I don't know.

I'm kind of worried about
putting these two on live TV.

They're sort of grumpy.

Why are we wasting our time
with these old people anyway?

They're like the old
version of iTunes.

We're like the new
version of iTunes, baby.

We're going to be here forever.

Oh, my God.
I'm going to die someday.

Well, let's just hope
that deep down,

these two still love each other.

Hey. No touching.
This is not your birthday.

Now, you see, the trick with paella
is to use just enough saffron

to complement the shellfish.
Okay.

Oh, man, that is so good.
Oh, yeah.

Wow. Isn't this exciting?

In just a few minutes,
you are going to be

professing your
love on television.

Could I have a glass
of water before we go on?

Don't give him any water.

He does this annoying thing where
every time he takes a drink of water,

he goes... Aah!

She does this annoying thing where
every time she takes a drink of water,

she's an old nag.

Ah! The playful banter
of a couple on the same team.

That's what this is, right?

All right,
let's burn this candle.

Hey, Joan, if we could just have a moment.
We need to get ready.

Oh, no, no, we've got to go.
Yeah, the uppers are kicking in.

Just took some ludes
to kind of smooth it out.

So, I'm right
in that sweet spot.

Got about 20 minutes before I either
get really tired or really horny.

So, let's roll.

Dougie, are you sure you
want to go on television?

You look like a leather glove
got caught in a lawn mower.

Okay. You know what?
I'm going to admit something.

I orchestrated
the Pawnee-Eagleton merger,

and I was hoping that your
marriage could show people

that a happy union is possible.

So, when you're out there,
if you could just, you know,

look back over
the past 50 years together

and focus on
the good times. Okay?

Donna, you wanted to see me?

Yes, I did, troll.
What?

You tried to
adopt a cat last week,

and I turned you
down because I thought

it was too sad for
you to have six cats.

Then, you tried to blow up my spot online.
You're fired.

You're not my boss. I work for
the City Attorney's office.

You're fired.

How much postage does it take
to send a letter to Canada?

Who is it going to?
Canada.

It says, "Dear Canada,
you."

Doug and Rosie DeMarco.

Fifty years.
Aah.

Tell us how you first met.

Well, it was 1963 and we
met, and it was great.

Isn't love grand?

Fifty years of marriage,

helping to bridge the meaningless
divide between Pawnee and Eagleton.

Yeah. My show,
my questions.

So, what is the secret
sauce that we should

all be putting on
our marriage burgers?

Well, we never go to bed angry.

Never, ever would
have thought of that.

Aah. Okay. I can't do this.

Leslie, you can keep your money.

Money?

Did you bribe them to be here?

No. I...

Leslie offered us each 200 bucks

to keep this going, but
it's impossible. Aah!

- You want to know why we got married?
- Bring it.

I had no prospects, and Dougie
here had an alcohol problem.

Plus, the
Cold War was happening.

And frankly, we all thought
we were going to die.

Well, I figured I could
really tick off my parents

by shacking up with some Pawnee trash.
Yeah, cha-cha-cha.

Okay. We all agree that marriages
have their ups and downs.

But at the end of the day,
they're worth it because...

Who likes tap dancing?

I slept with Sharon in 1979.

I used to get out of the shower

in front of your
brother on purpose.

Hey, Leslie, who cares?
They're old people.

They eat, they sleep, they complain,
and they watch Family Feud.

Oh, my God,
I want to be an old person.

God, I don't know what to do.
I wish Ben was here.

What is he doing right now?

Oh, man!
You did good.

Larry. Wow.
Wow, thank you.

Can I help you?

Yeah. I own Lettuce Eat, the vegan
restaurant on Lowell Drive.

And I wanted to know why you
nailed this letter to my door.

"Veganism is the sad result
of a morally corrupt mind.

"Reconsider your life."

Because I believe it.
Good day.

Carnivores.
You're all the same.

How did that guy
know where to find you?

I assume he saw my
name and address at

the bottom of the letter
I nailed to his door.

You signed your real name?

Of course I did.

What's going to happen? A vegan
is going to physically attack me?

They are basically
made of glass,

but more importantly,
if you believe

in something,
you sign your name to it.

Which is why the makers
of carbonated water

will soon know exactly
where to find me.

Donna? Kyle did not write those things.
Okay? I did.

I know.
You do?

I checked what else
that user had written.

It was a review
of a funeral home

that said,
"Great first date spot."

I dragged Kyle in here to see
if you would come clean.

Well, you overestimated how much
I care what happens to Kyle

or anyone, really.

But I'm sorry that I
didn't just talk to you.

And I'm sorry I bailed on work,

and I'm sorry I toyed with you
instead of coming at you straight.

From now on,
we say what we feel. Cool?

Cool.

Your lipstick looks weird.

You're going to want to
shut your mouth right now.

Good talk.

I don't know. Maybe Pawneeans and
Eagletonians aren't meant to co-exist.

Well, at least our
merger is going well.

Cheers.
Cheers.

You know,
Andy and Tom were right

when they said
the DeMarcos don't matter.

Their generation is the past.

The way to make this merger take
hold is to focus on the future.

Of course. The children.

The children are our future.

Whitney Houston knew it
and so do you and so do I.

And I'm going to need
your help on something.

I think we should go to work.

But not now.
We're having dinner.

Damn, this paella is good.

Did you put saffron in here?

It makes the shellfish
taste delicious.

Yes. Yes, it does.

Okay. The people in this room

are the first members of the
Pawnee-Eagleton Youth Committee.

Now, April says that young people
think the word "committee" is lame.

So, let's just think of this as

like a super-chill,
fun e-hangout.

Worse. That's worse.

Okay, new people,
let's introduce ourselves.

Craig Middlebrooks.
Samantha in the boardroom,

Miranda in the bedroom. I know
it's not ideal, but it's who I am!

This is my friend, Madison. She's
amazing and she drove me here!

Okay. This group has an
incredibly important job.

You need to figure out how
to hold this town together.

You are going to
meet twice a week,

and you're here because
of your energy and your youth,

and for some of you,
your mental age.

And you're going to find a way
to make this merger stick.

So, we are going to order you some 'zas.
You get to B-S-ing.

Brainstorming.

Just chill. Peace out.

Okay. So, it's been an hour.

From out there, it looks like
you guys were having some fun

getting to know each other.

So, why don't we call this
first meeting a success

and then we'll get
together later in the week?

Hold up, sweet pea.
We have an idea.

It's called the Unity Concert.

It's a massive music and art
festival to celebrate the merger.

We get artists and musicians from
both towns to come together.

It's going to be
like a giant Woodstock

except for, instead of everybody
rolling around in mud,

they'll be rolling
around in happiness.

Or maybe mud,
I can't control the weather.

We want to have a bunch
of different band stages.

You know, people will go to

parts of the town they
don't usually go to.

Plus, we'll have tents
for art exhibits and panels

and maybe a short film festival.

Donna said she might be
able to get Ginuwine.

That's given me
a reason to live.

Yeah, it's not like
everyone's gonna suddenly

start holding
hands and making out,

but we figure why not throw a
big three-day outdoor party,

show everyone
a good time and maybe

they'll forget
about this stupid stuff.

What do you think?

I don't... I don't even...
I don't even...

You know what I mean? MADISON:
What's wrong with her?

Why is she making those noises?

Oh, right,
you don't know Leslie.

That means that she loves it
so much, she can't speak.

I love you guys. That's
like, you guys are amazing.

Like what you're doing here.

Happy anniversary. So, I
know we agreed on no gifts.

What?
But I did get you a gift.

No...
A bunch of them, actually.

I was going to
surprise you with them

yesterday,
but they never reached you.

Oh, my effing God.

You planned all this for me?
An Enchanted carriage?

This is amazing!

Aw! And your scrapbook
instincts are really good.

This is a little rough, but you
have a lot of talent here.

Oh, I can't believe
I actually defeated

Leslie Knope in
a gift exchange. Yes.

Ah. Yeah, about that.

Happy anniversary.

It's the Iron Throne.
It's the Iron Throne.

Yes, it is. I had a guy at the
model store make a replica.

He's a bigger Game of
Thrones fan than you are.

Okay, I know I'm making that dumb
surprised face, but I can't help it.

This is the greatest gift
I've ever received, Leslie.

When you play the game of
thrones, you win or you die.

Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Come here. Come hither,
peasant. Come here.

Who are you?

Our starship is in trouble.

Okay. Leslie,
listen. If you're not...

If you don't know what
you're talking about...

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