Original subtitles

Hello, I am Leslie Knope, and I am here to interview

for the Deputy Parks Director job.

Leslie, this is ridiculous. It's your job. Take it.

Well, I should have to interview just like everyone else.

Hmm.

Now, if you'll see on my resume,

I held the position of Deputy Director of Parks and Recreation

for almost ten years.

I know. I was your boss.

I also walked you down the aisle at your wedding.

Take the job and leave me alone.

Come on, Ron. Just interview me!

No special treatment.

Okay. Fine.

What do you believe should be the ultimate goal of this department?

The ancient Greek version of the park was the agora,

a gathering place where people from all walks of life...

What are you writing? Is it good?

What do you think is the best use of our yearly budget?

It's right there in the name, maintaining our beautiful parks,

and providing healthy, outdoor recreation.

I'm sorry, Miss Knope, the correct answer is,

"Give it all back to the taxpayers."

It seems you and I have fundamentally different philosophies.

Frankly, it's a miracle we ever worked

together without killing each other.

Good day.

Ha, ha! Okay. No more goofing around.

Just tell me I have the job.

I have a lot of other people to meet with. I'll be in touch.

Ron! Come on. It's me! Give me special treatment.

Ripped By mstoll

Okay! First morning meeting back in the old conference room.

What's this? TOM: Oh, we chose everyone's spirit dogs.

That one's you! You guys think I'm a border collie?

I'm so obviously a cocker spaniel.

The Spirit Dog Committee ruled on that weeks ago.

There is no appeals process.

No.

Totally. I'm in on the joke. I get it.

But maybe we should stop talking about

your insane dog choices and get to working.

Classic border collie. Has to control everything.

Totally.

First on the agenda,

I'm gonna bring my lemonade stand idea

to the Small Business Coalition,

and a little birdie told me it's already in the bag.

Can I get a what what?

What? What?

Thank you! No. What idea?

The fellow who runs the "Hot Stew"

stand in Lafayette Park is retiring

so Pawnee's new Business Liaison, Tom,

went out and got the Indiana Brothers Juice Company

to rent it out as a lemonade stand.

Wow.

Plus, I downloaded this dope app

that pops champagne whenever I say something awesome.

Tom, that's great! I know. And it was only nine bucks!

No, I mean the lemonade... Never mind.

Well, I will start doing an environmental impact study,

and Ron, you can do some demographic research.

Don't sweat it, Lez-Kno. Tommy's taken care of every last detail.

Nothing I can do to help? Okay.

Oh.

I could straighten this for ya. There we go.

Oh, Larry! We've been taking pictures all over City Hall

to show our unborn baby where we met. Would you mind?

Oh, my gosh. I would be honored.

Say, when are you crazy kids going to get hitched?

You know, actually, we haven't discussed it in a while.

You know, it's kind of taken a back seat.

Well, you know, to each his own,

but you guys really seem like you're in love.

And when I see a couple who look at each other the way you do,

I don't know, it just makes me think that

maybe this crazy world is gonna be okay.

That literally went on forever.

I thought you were never going to stop talking. But now that you have...

Ann Perkins, will you marry me?

Wow. Cracker dust.

I mean, yes. Of course. Let's do it.

Can I have a sip of your water, please?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm a bit of a germaphobe.

Oh, no, no. Totally understand. I'll just...

Ann Perkins...

I'm gonna cough it out.

I would like to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you.

I love you, too.

No part of this is how I pictured it.

I thought another cracker might

push it through but I was wrong.

Let's do this right. Yeah.

Let's go get an engagement ring! Yes.

That was a beautiful moment.

Hello, friends! You guys enjoying that cheese?

It's unpasteurized.

Yuck, what's that mean?

"Unpasteurized"?

I don't care. I don't care.

Technically it's illegal in this country.

I smuggled it back from Paris!

Anyway, I want you guys to think of my office as a clubhouse.

Total open-door policy.

I want to be your friend as well as your boss.

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you in a cult? Can I join?

Let's sacrifice Larry.

Oh, April.

It's my first day as City Manager.

So I'm holding open office hours

to break the ice.

Now, Chris was always the nice guy that made everyone happy,

while I brought down the hammer.

But now that he's gone, I kind of have to do both.

Everyone is the best. We're cutting vacation time.

Let's eat vitamins. This is exhausting.

Listen, real quick, I have some super cool new rules...

Oh, nice.

That are also super mandatory.

Uh, we can't use Facebook anymore? Are you serious?

That's right. Massive time waster. Kills productivity.

Hey, Sanitation! Listen. Let's talk health insurance.

Your dependents don't have it anymore. Have some illegal cheese!

"No cell phone usage on City Hall property?"

That's not fair. My cell phone is how I avoid doing work.

"Bathroom breaks should be limited to five minutes?"

I can't shower in five minutes.

See, he's acting all loosey-goosey,

but that little dude's wound so tight he's gonna pop.

Hey, Sanitation! Sanitation in the house tonight!

Oh, what happened to our spirit dogs?

I came up with a way better game. Behold! Your Spirit Kangaroo!

Tom, you are a Blue Flyer. So am I. So are you and Donna.

And look at Ron. Look at Ron.

I mean, Doesn't Ron look exactly like a Blue Flyer?

There aren't that many different types of kangaroos.

Either way, helluva game, right guys?

Presentations are upon us. So, Tom, which step are you at

in the Leslie Knope Project Preparedness Super System?

Yeah, once you got on the City Council, we kind of stopped doing that.

What? Tom. No.

You cannot drop the Leslie Knope

Project Preparedness Super System.

It was developed over thousands

of government presentations that I gave over the past ten years.

It is my very soul.

Well, I have my own system.

Step one, chill out a bit. Step two, get up there and rip it.

That's your plan? To "rip it"?

Leslie, this is Tom's project.

Perhaps you should let him do things his way.

Sure. Yeah. You should probably just "rip it."

I think that's better than going

with a tried-and-true 80-step system

that led to, and I quote,

"The most thorough and dare we say,

"at times, over-prepared presentation that we've ever seen."

And, yeah, that quote came from the Indiana Blue Ribbon Panel

on Irrigation and Drainage.

Fine. I'll go back to your system.

You're the big dog around here.

Big kangaroo. And, thank you.

Well, yeah, I was gone for a while,

and things are a little different around here,

but this is still my house. I invented this Parks game, son!

Oh!

Damn it! When did they put a lamp here?

Hey! The boys in blue! What can I do for you... For?

We got a tip about some food entering the country illegally.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's just cheese, guys.

Uh, I got it in France.

Okay. Did you declare it on your customs

form when you re-entered the country?

We're gonna need you to come down to the station.

I'm sure that's not necessary, let's just...

This is really good cheese. You should try some.

Are you trying to bribe us? No! Oh, God. I surrender.

Just step forward. Thank you.

Okay. Okay.

This is so exciting.

Hi, folks. When's the big day? I assume this is a, you know...

Oh, no, this isn't a shotgun wedding.

Although, yes, she is pregnant, and yes,

we did just decide to get married today.

We haven't told our families or chosen a venue.

But it's not a shotgun wedding.

We've been planning ours for months.

You wouldn't believe how much there is to do.

Invitations, table settings, color scheme, dance lessons.

And that's just for the rehearsal dinner.

Seriously, that's just for the rehearsal dinner.

That sounds elaborate!

All we did was punch "jewelry store" into our car GPS.

You remember that romantic moment, Chris?

I was getting gas. No, I don't remember it.

Hey, Tom. I don't mean to bug you or anything,

but I notice that my Super System binder is closed.

Just checking that you had a chance

to re-familiarize yourself? Entirely?

Yeah, flipped through it. Looks good.

Huh, you're lying. I placed a single strand of hair along the edge,

and that secret strand is unbroken!

Whose hair is that? It's brown.

Look. It seems like you don't even care about your presentation.

Au contraire! I'm working on it right now!

And what's the most important part of a presentation?

Content. The presentation.

Okay. Tom, you need hard data.

You need facts to make your case.

And then you need two funny quotes and an inspirational one.

You know, a classic... Ha, ha, hmm.

Look, I think you need to take a page

outta my system, and chill out a bit.

Okay? I got this.

Okay. Fine. I trust you.

But I think you're gonna fail and you're a ticking time bomb.

What's that? Nothing! Good luck!

This is an elk hair.

Yes. It's the most effective hair for binder security!

You know that, Ron.

If Tom gives that presentation,

it is going to be a total disaster

for both him and the department.

I cannot sit idly by and watch this terrible thing happen.

I mean, I can barely sit idly by and watch good things happen.

We've got a couple of Customs agents coming down from the border

and they are not happy.

I can't believe this. I never break the law. I've never even jaywalked.

Never?

I mean, I... Everyone does it sometimes.

I'll just add that to the charges.

Well, well, well. We got a hit on your prints.

It seems that you're wanted for tax fraud in Colorado.

What? I've never even been to Colorado!

I mean, I had a layover in Denver once.

Man, you can't keep your story straight, can you?

Come on!

Here come the Customs guys now.

Fellas, he's all yours!

Kaboom! Ya pranked!

You gotta see the stupid look on your face!

Check this out. I took a picture! Classic!

You seemed a little uptight.

Thought we'd have some fun with our new boss.

Wow. You got me. Good one!

Making me think I was gonna, like, die in federal prison.

That's super funny. You scamps!

Now, Stu, I know that you're thinking about retiring.

And I am here to ask you to reconsider. What do you say?

Keep that Lafayette Park stand open,

pumping out the stew, like you do.

I don't know.

I'm looking forward to spending time with my wife,

working on some new hobbies. I was thinking about getting into bisques!

Stu, you have been a staple in the Parks Department system for years!

Retirement is for the birds. You're gonna be so bored.

I'm gonna say this because you need to hear it.

Screw bisque!

That makes a lot of sense. Yeah.

What now? What do I do?

Well, we're gonna need to convince

the Business Council to keep you around,

but that's not for you to worry about. I'll take care of it.

You just keep on stewin' what ya stew!

Thanks, Leslie.

This calls for a toast.

Susan? Stew flutes, please.

Ah.

To stew!

Mmm! Oh, my God, that's very hot! Mmm-hmm.

Congratulations, this is a beauty.

If you'd like, I could engrave the date on the inside of the band.

That might be tough 'cause we actually haven't discussed it yet.

We could engrave 2014? Or, TBD?

Hang on. If neither of us has ever thought about this stuff,

then maybe there's a reason.

When you think about it, we are already

more married than most married people.

Right? I mean we're having a child together, we're moving to a new city.

You let me pee with the door open

so I could watch the end of Grey's Anatomy.

That was a fantastic season finale, and a show that is,

literally, a never-ending roller coaster of emotion.

I mean, why spend thousands of dollars

just to reaffirm what we already know?

Which is that we love each other.

That is so beautiful.

Theodore? We would like to return that ring and get a refund, please.

Maybe we should talk this over, too.

Oh, come on.

Think what we could do if we didn't buy this ring.

I mean, this could go towards buying a house.

You have a lovely store.

Boss. Hey.

I was just printing out my Minesweeper high score,

and I noticed this memo. You're punishing us? For the prank?

No. No, no, no, no, no. It's just like a warning memo, like,

"Hey, all in good fun, but I'm your boss,

"and if you do it again, you're suspended."

That kind of thing.

Listen, I know that you're the governor or whatever,

and I'm just government junior. What?

I feel like you're blowing it.

If you want people to like you, you have to play along.

Don't punish Donna and April. Prank them back.

I guess I could stand to loosen up a little.

But I don't know how to pull a prank.

Dude! Okay. Well, I could help you.

Yeah? Yeah.

I once did the best prank of all time.

I dumped all my boss's action figures into a fish tank.

Yeah, that was me. And I didn't really like it.

Classic.

Great news, guys! I just saved your bacon.

Impossible. You don't even know where it is.

I know you were excited to get in front of the committee and "rip it,"

but in the spirit of teamwork, I unilaterally

decided to bring Stu out of retirement.

So, pressure's off!

What? I spent a lot of time on this.

Doing what? Putting mousse in your hair?

It's a gel-based serum! Second of all, who uses mousse still?

Oh, God! Leslie, let's put our differences aside for a second...

Friend to friend, do you still use mousse?

No! I use the juicy based thing. Whatever you do.

The point is, you weren't ready for this, Tom.

Stu's sales are flat. Lemonade is the future.

I'm still doing my presentation.

I'm still doing my Stu presentation.

And we'll see which one the committee likes.

Fine. Fine!

Yeah. I didn't think so.

On the other hand, there are some benefits to being married.

Taxes, health insurance...

And, I don't have to feel weird

when hotel employees call me Mr. Perkins.

Yeah, that makes me feel weird, too.

Maybe we should. I don't know anymore.

"Maybe we should, I don't know anymore."

Ann, that is a beautiful sentiment.

Okay, you're all set. Credit card's been fully refunded.

Perfect timing! We are going to buy this ring. Charge it!

Ann Perkins, will you marry me?

I don't know!

Me either! Maybe let's not?

Yeah I think maybe not!

Okay, the ring's yours again. Hello?

Actually, we don't want the ring.

Unbelievable.

Leslie, I'm the last person to want

to deprive the world of more stew,

but are you sure you want to do this?

Look, I love Tom, but you and I both know

that he's not ready to step up.

Don't you remember his last presentation on topsoil?

The botched laser show? Larry still can't see purple.

That was Larry's fault. He picked up the laser and stared right into it.

I know, but still... Tom is all flash, and no substance.

That's the old Tom.

You've been gone for a while, Leslie. Tom has changed.

He ran a business, sold it for a profit.

He's also been working here for six years,

and he's learned a lot from you.

At some point, you're gonna have to trust him to do his job.

You guys. You guys. Be cool.

What's going on?

I kind of convinced Ben to prank you guys,

and it got a little out of hand.

I probably should have said "no" to some of his ideas,

but he's on his way here right now. Here he is. Just, be cool.

Hey, guys, what's up? Um, oh, I just remembered,

can I show you something out to the front area?

And leave your cell phones, because of no reason.

Just leave anything that can't get wet, actually.

Like you would normally.

Okay. Here we go to the parking lot now.

Wow, this is really sad.

Yup, follow to me guys!

Just go to the parking lot for normal government reasons.

Sorry, I can't go through with this. I was gonna pull a prank.

No! Yeah.

I hired these guys in ski masks to "kidnap" us,

and I was gonna pretend to be a hero, and they were gonna shoot me,

and then drive the van into the river,

and that's when the divers would go in,

pull you guys out of the water and I would be standing on the shore, like,

"Hey, get pranked much?"

What the?

I even got these squibs from a special effects guy.

And I was gonna say this code word.

And that's when I would push this button.

No, no, no, no, no!

My God! You got blood all over me.

Thank you.

I mean it. Ben, that was amazing.

Really? Best prank ever.

I'm sorry, buddy, Daddy can't get home to tuck you in.

Oh, how old is your son?

Just pick a thing!

Honey, look at this. This is what I want.

I don't want a ring, I don't want a wedding, I just want this locket,

with a picture of our child in it.

I mean, we've never been traditional.

We made out the first night we ever met.

And when we did date, we broke up, but you didn't realize it

and that was very embarrassing for you.

Yeah, let's maybe not talk about that part right now.

And then we got pregnant as friends, and then we fell in love.

We've never been very conventional. So, why start now?

Theodore, we will not be needing that ring.

But we would like to purchase this locket. How much?

Just take it and get outta here.

Thank you. Thanks.

We're here to discuss a business contract

for the Lafayette Park food stand.

Miss Knope, you've always steered

this committee in the right direction.

Why do you think we should renew Hot Stu's lease?

Well, frankly, it's because of Stu.

Here is a man who was ready to retire,

spend time with his family, travel.

And then he realized, "No, I want to spend

"my time in a small metal box all summer

"bent over a boiling cauldron of steaming, bubbling meat."

Making stew is hard. Up at the crack of dawn, backbreaking labor,

your clothes smelling like salt and gristle.

Sure, profits are minimal, but Stu doesn't care about that.

Maybe a year extension isn't enough.

Maybe we should make it five years.

Heck, why don't we give him a lifetime deal?

I'd like to see Stu ladling out his pungent beef smoothies

until we bury him under that shed.

Hey. I think I've made a terrible mistake.

Okay, that was bleak.

Uh, Mr. Haverford, you have a presentation as well?

Hey. Rip it.

There's nothing more American than lemonade.

Just saying the word makes you wanna drink some.

And now you can. Check under your seats.

Hey, hey, it has my name on it!

Yes, it does. Classic for you, Carter.

Darva, yours is a pink lemonade. I know you love that.

Because I like pink! That's right!

Now, who here likes laser shows?

Summer foot traffic in Lafayette Park has increased 23%.

The Indiana Brothers are the fastest-growing

beverage company in the Midwest.

My projections show they can increase government revenue

30% over the next five years.

Plus, they've agreed to waive their franchise fee.

Look, guys. I'm sorry about all the new rules,

but, you know, I want you to like me.

But I also really need you to respect me.

I respect you, little buddy! Hmm, respect noogie!

We didn't prank you because we don't respect you.

We did it 'cause we love you.

R-E-S-P-E-G-C.

That's actually not how respect is spelled. Yes.

According to Urethra Franklin, that's exactly how it's spelled.

Hey, Wyatt. You were a good sport earlier.

No hard feelings?

Here's a little gift for you for believing in me. Oh.

It's a gel-based hair serum. Enough with the mousse. For real.

Okay. Well, Ron. You were right.

Tom has really grown up.

You seem merely overjoyed, instead of irritatingly ecstatic. Why?

Well, Tom's come into his own, April runs Animal Control.

I mean, does this department even need me anymore?

No. We do not.

April and Tom started out as two

of the most apathetic people I had ever met.

It's why I hired them.

Then you betrayed me and turned them into

efficient and caring government employees.

This office can indeed function without you.

And, soon, it'll have to.

Was that a death threat?

We both know you're not going to be here forever.

This is a way station, on the road to bigger and better things.

Whenever you do move on, it should please you to know that,

God help me, you've built a well-functioning government agency.

Oh, that reminds me. I know you don't open your mail, but I do, and...

Because you created Tom's position, Business Liaison,

and it's already financially paying off,

you have received Pawnee's Government Employee of the Month.

I mean, it has taken...

Ripped By mstoll