All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S06E09 - The Cones of Dunshire (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Are you ready?
Yes.

No. Babe.
Are you ready?

Yes?

I got fired from running
the Sweetums Foundation.

Thanks to me.
Sorry, again.

Hey, blessing in disguise.

I took a job at
this accounting firm.

They tried to hire me three times.
I finally gave in.

But I've had a week
off in between jobs,

and I've been cooking up
something pretty big.

The last time he
was in between jobs,

he got deep into claymation.

So this should be
different. Hopefully.

Presenting
The Cones of Dunshire,

a brand new gaming experience.

Eight to twelve players.

Two wizards, a maverick...

The arbiter,

Two warriors,
a corporal, and a ledgerman.

Now, the ledgerman
just keeps score.

And he wears this hat.

Oh, boy.

Now, the object is to accumulate cones.
Four cones wins.

But in order to get a cone, you
have to build a civilization.

The other amazing thing
is the challenge play.

Actually, let me tell you
more about the trivia cards,

because you're going to need to
know about roadblocks first.

No, never mind.

The thing about
the challenge play

is that it's basically the game

in reverse.

Then, you roll three dice to see
how many dice you roll with.

Sixteen. Perfect.
Lots of choices.

Okay. Each turn goes
roll, bye, action.

I mean, obviously, this will be
much taller in the real game.

But the corporal can veto.

This should be green, too.
How did this happen?

Are the cones a metaphor?
Well, yes and no.

What is this called again?

The Cones of Dunshire.

Oh, my God.

The maverick should be able to trade
lumber for agriculture credits.

How have I not
thought of this before?

This is nothing, right?

When do you go back to work again?
Tomorrow.

It's fine. I'll just throw
this in the garbage.

Ripped By mstoll

As soon as Knope is gone,

these are going up
all over chambers.

Jamm for three!

Ha-ha! What, are you

trying to build a house
with those bricks?

The girl is attacking me.

Any new business
before we adjourn?

Yes. I have one.

The Pawnee Commons.

The money for
the Pawnee Commons,

AKA the greatest
future park in the world.

AKA my personal dream project...

AKA...

Is currently in
a discretionary fund.

I'd like to move
it to a lock box

to ensure that it is
used for that project.

The thing is, Leslie,
this kind of decision is...

It's not really
up to you anymore.

Because the voters, to use a
technical political term,

gave you the stanky boot.

But we'll keep your
money safe, baby girl.

What, you think
I'm going to use it

to put a new limestone
shower in my office?

Yeah. Now, I do.

I propose that we table
this discussion until,

let's say, the second
Knope is gone.

Later, bunheads. Glass!

Video Ron Demand.

What you carrying, my dude?

The time has come
to sell my cabin.

But I haven't had much
luck finding a buyer.

"For sale. Small house.
Location, forest."

It's a little wordy,
don't you think?

"Current owner will not clean up

"shotgun shells or
animal carcasses."

What the hell is
wrong with you, Swanson?

Fine, I'll clean up
the shotgun shells,

but the carcasses remain
to fertilize my berry patch.

If you really want to unload
that little horror cabin,

you're going to need a
professional to stage it properly.

Lucky for you, I recently
got my real estate license.

Spladow!

Check it.

"Regal Meagle Realty.

"Find your castle."

Fine. I suppose
I could use some help.

Yo, Donna. Let me get
a little skin in the game?

Maybe split that commission?
All right.

Show me what you got,
I'll split that commish.

The question I
always ask myself is,

what kind of mogul should I be?

Fashion mogul,
energy drink mogul.

I even thought about downhill skiing.
A mogul mogul.

But real estate mogul.

That's a hot mogul right now.

Ben Wyatt, reporting for duty.

How are you doing, Barney?
Good to see you again.

I just can't believe
it's finally happening.

Ted! He's here!
He really came!

Hello, Ben. I'm Frank.

I took the job when you
passed it up last time.

Heard a lot about you.

All good things, I hope.

A little too good.

Let's see if you
live up to the hype.

I'm not joking.

Oh.

Frank seems cool.

Tell everybody in
Michigan I said, hi,

and tell your mom that I love the
banana cake she posted on Pinterest.

The father of your child is here.
I have to go.

I'll talk to you soon.
I love you.

Is that Ann?

I hope you were speaking
to her in a calming voice

'cause babies can
hear everything.

Baby, if you can
still hear me, I love you.

The phone is hung up. Oh, sorry.

You got my message about
Jamm being a dink-head?

Yes. But as city manager,
I can't play sides.

And I think all of our heads can
be a little dinky at times.

Fine, but his is the dinkiest.

Mmm. And I would know
'cause I'm keeping score.

Ever since I
started City Council,

I have gone head-to-head
with Jamm 112 times.

He has won 56 times,
I have won 56 times.

I will not lose our last battle.

Will you help me?

No.

Oh. The way you
stood up like that,

I thought it was going
to go a different way.

No, I can't help directly.

But I am on your side, and I will
assist you in any way that I can.

Maybe I can mediate. Like Dr.
Phil. Only qualified.

So, what's the story, Ron? Diane
making you sell this place?

Not at all.

Recently, I purchased
a new cabin

big enough for the whole family.

I just can't justify
owning four cabins.

Two cabins.

The new cabin I bought has a
great tire swing for the girls,

access to a lake for
all the kids to play in.

Plus, it doesn't
have these razor sharp

perimeter defense planks
sticking out of the ground.

I usually get a five
percent commission,

but I'll do it for three.
Friends and family discount.

Make it five.

I don't want you getting any
ideas about us being friends.

Respect.

Donna, baby, for the fireplace,
I'm thinking fake antlers.

But what kind of scarves do we
want to hang off the fake antlers?

Oh, duh!
Crocheted.

Mos def.

That will look legit next to those
antique "Visit France" posters.

Ron, you want to stay
outside and do nothing

while they make your
cabin look like garbage?

I'd like that very much.

We can watch
the shadows get longer.

Okay.

Wow! You guys
sure take

the start-up paperwork
seriously around here.

Sorry to start
you out like this.

And on a Friday, no less.

But it's our toughest case.

Three competing family
trusts, a contested will.

It's a real puzzler.

So, let's see what you got.

"Genius."

If I'm murdered tonight, start the
investigation with those two guys.

What the hell are you
nerds doing here?

We're not done talking about the lock box.
This isn't over.

And I'm here to mediate.

You can't just show up
at my door like this.

Look, I know we've
had our differences,

but this is very
important to me.

And I'm not leaving
until we hash this out.

I respect the moxie, Knope.

You can come in for a minute.

Shoes off. This is a
house of respect.

I don't need to do that.
My feet are very clean.

No shoes, you lose.

"No shoes, you lose"?

That means we should
have shoes, then. Right?

No shoes...

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, so this is
my weekend dojo.

Sorry the place
is a bit of a mess.

My wife's in Oklahoma
for eight months.

Maybe forever. We'll see
if she forgives me.

Who's that?
Michelle Wie?

It's not sexual. I'm just a
really big fan of her game.

Really?
Yeah.

'Cause in that picture,
she's wearing a bikini.

Yeah, thanks.
Photoshopped it myself.

Fantastic.

This is about the time
I hit the hay. So...

Why don't we all hit the hay?

We'll stay here,
get a good night's sleep,

and we can start
negotiations tomorrow.

We stopped at the outlet
mall on the way here.

Got ourselves a sleeping bag,
a giant tin of caramel corn,

and an irregular
skirt from DKNY.

The hem is crooked,
but it was eight bucks.

The point is, I am not leaving
until I get that lock box.

Playing hardball, huh?

Hey, no sweat off my sack.

You can take the couch

if you can get my exercise
equipment out of the way.

I think I can handle it.

How sweet is this
table, by the way, huh?

Got it from an actual Benihana.

Cost me four grand,
worth every penny.

Hai!

Can I interest anyone
in an authentic

A-Japanese a-break-a-fast?

Scrambled eggs eaten
with chopsticks? Okay.

Hai!

Maybe we should negotiate
while we're eating.

What's the rush? Plenty
of time for that later.

You know what might put
you in the mood to talk?

Is a couple of brewskis

and a calendar featuring some of
your favorite female wrestlers.

Oh, yeah.

Knope, you know the way
to a man's heart.

Yeah, okay, let's talk.
You got it.

These people
won't leave.

One guy even looked
in the bathroom.

Yeah, that means
they like the place.

If you just leave them alone, I
think we might get some offers.

This evergreen scented candle should
help put people in the mood to buy.

You could just open the door and let
the actual smell of the pines in.

Trees are sticky. And
they've got bugs in them.

This place
is so random.

I don't know. It's kind of
in the middle of nowhere.

I know. That's the
hilarious part.

It's a joke how long
it takes to get here.

It's like a meta-cabin.

Oh, yeah, it's meta.

That's what I said.
Yeah.

I heard that Dave Eggers
wrote a short story

about this tape cassette that he
found under that tree over there.

My God.
What are you doing?

Trying to get these
annoying dumdums

to pay more money
for your cabin.

Carry on.

My God, I heard that

Neko Case and Ben Gibbard
made out here once.

What?

Saturday at the firm with Ben.

Okay. We dissolve the
loan-out and file bankruptcy.

That way, only our clients
have claim to the assets.

Great idea.

That we had a month ago.

The problem is, the trust still
has claim to the property.

Then we dissolve the trust.

Clients A, B, and F,
they would have to agree.

But if they went for it,
we could arbitrate.

He's right. We never
thought of that.

Oh! Oh!

Ben. Ben.
Say it again.

But this time, I'm going to turn the
light on like you just had an idea.

Sure, sure.
Yeah, I'm with you.

Umm, okay.

Ah...

What if we dissolve the trust?

Yes! You just
cracked a case!

I'm just doing my job.

Okay, here's an idea.

Maybe we name part of
the park the Jamm Zone.

Yeah, Jamm could dig on that.

How about if, in the Jamm Zone,

there's no married
chicks allowed?

Caution, Jeremy.

I think there are people that will
find the no-married-chicks zone

both morally repugnant
and hard to enforce.

All right.

Listen, let us celebrate
this progress by sharing

these authentic edamame
or Tokyo beans?

Now, I want you to be very
careful about eating these.

You eat the shells and
you throw the seeds out.

Wow! You have really immersed
yourself in Asian culture.

Now, I think maybe we should
revisit the holding bond idea.

Lezzie, come on.
I'm getting bored.

I mean, we've been
at this for hours.

Can we please take a break?

Perhaps he has a point.
And we've made some progress.

Maybe we go home and take the
rest of it up on Monday.

No, I cannot wait until Monday.
I need to close this deal now.

So, I have an idea.

Let's have a change of venue and
keep negotiating while we have fun.

If I remember correctly, you enjoy
the ancient art of karaoke.

Yes?

I do, and kudos on
that pronunciation.

I remember your favorite duet.

Maybe it's time to take
this party to Rydell High.

Whoa!

I cannot wait to
hear your Travolta.

No, no, no. I'm Sandra Dee.
That's more in my register.

You're Zuko.

Uh!
Uh!

I would like to buy
five DVDs of this.

No, 20. No. No, 60.
No, that's insane. 20.

Good news. We have
multiple bidders.

That guy's getting
his financials together.

Plans on tearing
the whole place down,

just wants it for the land.

Why would he tear down
a perfectly good cabin?

I think he's a developer, wants
to put in a luxury glamp ground.

"Glamping" is glamour camping.

Heated tents,
catered meals, WiFi.

You're describing a hotel.

And I think we still have
traction with those two.

Hey, man.
I love the mustache.

So funny.

You ever think about
twisting it up at the ends?

Use a little beeswax?

The open house is now closed.

We are not accepting
bids at this time.

The sun sets in 95 minutes.
Good day.

That's part of the charm
of this whole place.

The cantankerous old coot who owns it.
It's authentic!

I've got to say, that was
pretty fun up there.

We have fun when we
collaborate, right?

Working together?
Lock box? Right?

In, uh, some weird,
perverted, sexual way,

I'm going to miss you
when you're gone. Oh.

You are my nemesis.

You're the Superman
to my Lex Luthor.

You want to be Lex Luthor?

Uh, yeah.
Lex Luthor is rich.

Okay. I can't
argue with that.

So, I did Zuko for you.
Now you give me the lock box.

Leslie put a beautiful cross
into the box, Jeremy.

Time for you to head it in.

All right, Knope. What can I say?
You wore me down.

I'll give you my word, and I will put
it in writing, so I can't back out.

We won't touch
the money for one year.

And if the economy holds up, you
can start construction then.

Leslie, you have your lock box.

And you scored a triple
dragon on your song.

No. I cannot
wait a year.

I want to get started now. I want
construction started on Monday.

You have his word.

And this is riddled with spelling
errors, but it is binding.

It's not good enough.

Jamm, I sang your stupid song.

I ate your stupid,
fake Asian food.

And by the way, you should know

you don't make sushi
rolls out of tuna salad.

Maybe you don't.

I did practically
everything you wanted

and you won't just
give this to me today?

Screw you.

You're giving a card to me?

You left me no choice.
Oh, my God!

Please, could you excuse us?
Oh, my God.

Leslie, you should be happy.

You beat Jamm in
the final battle.

Unless there's something
more going on here.

Ann. This is about Ann.

Ann Perkins?
I love Ann Perkins.

Pawnee Commons is why
I met Ann five years ago.

And I know you guys
are talking about moving.

But I guess I thought if maybe Ann
came back from Michigan tomorrow

and I was able to look into her
smoky, ethnically ambiguous eyes

and tell her that we were breaking
ground on a new park, she might...

She might want to stay.

Leslie, I'm sorry.

Ann didn't just go to Ann
Arbor to visit family.

She went to sign
the lease on our new home.

Ann Arbor?
Sounds disgusting.

She already has family there.

And I have a new job lined up
at the University of Michigan.

Go Blue.

It's a good town. And it's a
great place to raise a family.

What is great about it?

There's no JJ's Diner there. There's
no "Welcome to Pawnee" sign.

I mean, the stupid state
is split up into two pieces.

It's ridiculous.

Unexpected play here, Superman.

Not exactly sure what you're going
for, but I dig your gambit.

There is no gambit here, Jamm.

And who sides with
Lex Luthor, by the way?

You probably watch Million Dollar
Baby and root for the stool.

I haven't seen it. Not a
big Morgan Freeman guy.

I find his voice very grating.

I am leaving now. I am not moving.
I'm just going home.

Are you guys coming
back to my place?

Or are you guys going back to...

Are we wrapping up the weekend?

No?

Surprise!

Oh, my God!

I hope you don't mind.

We decided to throw
you a pizza party

to say congrats for
cracking the case.

Oh, my God, you guys.

Let's see what we've got here.

Wait a second. That's not pizza.
Those are calzones!

I love calzones!

We know!

I think it's safe to say
I made the right choice.

- What's up, guys?
- Hey!

BFF slideshow?

You know that even
after we leave Pawnee,

Ann will always be
your best friend.

And it's not that long a trip.

It would be even faster

if the governor
would return my calls

about my Pawnee-to-Ann
Arbor bullet train idea.

You know, I went
to Jamm's with you

because I also want to leave
the right kind of legacy.

And that includes
Pawnee Commons.

I think I burned
that bridge with Jamm.

We're not going to
get that lock box.

And I am not singing
Beauty School Dropout.

It's sexist and I
don't do slow jams.

I have an idea.

Um...

And I'd like you to
consider it a goodbye gift.

From me to you.

No, thank you.
I will let him know.

That was that couple you
liked at the open house.

I despised them.

They just came back with a new
offer and jacked that shizz up.

Way over asking price.

Ron, who cares who they are?
That's a massive bid.

I'm going to be a mogul.

I bought that cabin 18 years ago for
$2,200. I do not care about the money.

I can't even understand what
you're saying right now.

That cabin served an
important purpose for me,

as a quiet refuge from the
nonsense of modern life.

I'd like the next owners to
understand and share that purpose.

Find me someone like that,
and I'll happily sell.

I'll buy it.

You can't afford that house.

Can you afford that house?

What would you use it for?

I'd go up there and
take Andy and Champion

and just get away from everyone
else and look at spiders.

And it's where I'd bury the
bodies of that annoying couple

after I murder them.

Here's my offer.

I will give you
everything in my purse.

Eight dollars, a bunch
of loose cough drops,

and Larry's asthma inhaler.

Thank God.
I've been looking for that.

Larry, this is part of a
real estate transaction now.

You have no legal claim to it.

Sorry, I had no idea.

This is the best
offer I've heard yet.

Ahh...
You tripping right now.

Sold.

Don't even trip.

Your commission.

Thanks a lot.

Your share, mogul.

I'm about to
play golf with a guy

who was almost
on The Apprentice.

So, this better be good.

You give Leslie her lock box,

and you get me in
your hip pocket.

Starting in my next
term as city manager,

I will give you
one huge I Owe You,

no questions asked.

Hmm.

Jamm likes the sound of that.

Let's make it five I Owe
You's and you got a deal.

You drive a hard bargain.

But you leave me no choice. Fine.
Five huge I Owe You's.

Deal, guys. You must
really want that park.

I do, yes.

And to tell you the truth, I'm
doing it all for my best friend.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Leslie, you're my
best friend, too.

Vote passed.
Three, two.

Jamm is going to be so pissed when
he finds out that you're leaving

and your I Owe
You's are worthless.

Are you sure you're
okay with what you did?

It's not the most ethical
thing that I've ever done.

But on the flip side,
Jamm is a big, mean dope.

Mmm-hmm. And I hope that
this eases some of the pain

of us moving away a little bit.

I'm currently in deep denial
that that's happening.

Speaking of which.
How's the new gig coming?

I got a raise and my fridge
is full of calzones,

so, not complaining.

The reason I ask is, this town's
gonna need a new city manager.

And I've talked to some people,

and you have the votes
if you want the job.

Seriously?

Is this for
real-skis?

This is one hundred percent,
certified for real-skis.

What do you say? I mean, I...

Wow! I would be
insane to say no.

Oh, no.

Wyatt, you're late.

I'm just kidding. You can
do whatever you want.

Actually, Barney, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.

Today's my last day.

I got an opportunity
I couldn't say no to,

and I have to quit.

Again.

No need to explain.

I knew it was too
good to be true.

I do have a little
going-away gift.

I left it in the break room.

If anyone could appreciate it,
it's you guys.

"You can play with one warrior

"but it's just not
nearly as good.

"Enjoy, Ben Wyatt."

Let's play!

I call ledgerman!
I call ledgerman!

Ripped By mstoll