Original subtitles

We're gonna have some fun today, Pawnee!

Who is ready to Play 60?

Everybody, on the field!

The NFL has a campaign

to try to get kids active for 60 minutes per day.

And so, we've bused in 100 lucky little buggers from Pawnee.

And they are gonna get a chance to play with the Colts.

Ohh! Come on, Reggie! I told you to run a button hook!

I did, Leslie. Okay. I guess you would know!

Pleasure to see you again, Mr. Luck.

We met briefly last year at our friend's bachelor party.

Oh, yeah. Right. How are you?

I normally don't answer that question.

But since I respect your talent, I will tell you.

I am fine.

Hi, I'm April. I stole your wallet.

You guys are weird. Thank you.

What's up, girl? Keep walking, 98.

You don't wanna talk to that guy? He plays in the NFL.

He's a linebacker. Skill positions only for Donna Meagle.

I got my Colts beanie, my Colts scarf, I got the Colts grill going

and the crowning glory, Colts "slippies."

How're you gonna run in those?

Run? Tommy doesn't run.

That's your guys' job.

Now, uh, let's go fetch this football throw, fellows.

I love sports.

Ripped By mstoll

Check it out, Tom. The Eagleton Reservoir.

Isn't it stunning? It's just a big, dumb pond.

This morning, I saw a YouTube clip

of a little puppy, riding a motorcycle.

So, my bar for stunning is pretty high.

What if I told you that this water has fluoride in it?

Then, I would tell you the puppy had a little sidecar

with a piggy in it, named Hampton.

First of all, send me a link to that video.

But more importantly, now that we have access

to the Eagleton Reservoir and the water treatment supply,

Pawnee is going to have fluoride in its water

for the first time in our history.

Our oral history. Nailed it!

Of course, I'm upset that I lost the recall election.

But I'm just gonna spend the remainder of my term

cramming in as many good projects as I can.

Lame duck? Try flame duck.

'Cause this duck is on fire.

It's hard doing stupid government stuff now that Rent A Swag has closed.

I'm a businessman. That's what I was born to do.

Well, look, you've just got to make the most of the job that you have.

Like, take that trash collector.

It's not the most glamorous job in the world,

but he's doing it with a smile on his face.

Oh, my God. He's not wearing any pants.

What's wrong with him?

Let's get out of here. He's smiling at us.

Let's go. Run! Ugh!

Hey. What's up, guys? Look what Ron made. It's amazing.

Several months ago, I was on a walk and found my crib-tree.

I approached the tree, murdered it,

left it to cure in my woodshop,

and have begun working it into a crib, for my upcoming child.

Ron Swanson, you cannot use this crib.

You're ignoring every known crib safety standard.

It's all covered in the parenting book I'm reading.

Are You Going to Crawl My Way? By Lenny Kravitz.

My crib will be safe

because I'm building it with my own two hands.

I bought my crib in Bloomington,

and I am confident

that it is, literally, the safest crib

in the explored universe.

Let me take you there, and you can talk

to the salesperson.

Counter offer. You take me nowhere

and I talk to no one.

Counter, counter offer. You come with me

or I make you attend a four-hour fax cover-sheet protocol meeting.

Either way, it's a win for me.

Next, on the docket, is a vote

to approve the Pawnee-Eagleton reservoir merger.

Whoa-whoa-whoa!

We're just goosing our water supply with fluoride?

I mean, come on. Are we really going to force every Pawnee resident

to ingest a chemical we know nothing about?

Fluoride is used by the communists to control our minds.

No, it's not. Fluoride can control minds?

Like, you can use it to make ladies do stuff?

How am I the one that is getting booted off of this city council?

Okay. Fluoride is safe. It is good for you

and almost every town in America uses it.

Ah. All right. You got me.

I don't want fluoride in the water

because I'm a dentist and I like cavities.

Yeah, that is not a valid reason.

Pawnee's cavity problem is why a small-town dentist, like me,

can afford such a boss ride.

Got an Asian girl to sit in it once.

Why did we come out here?

Come on, Jamm. Fluoride in the water, it's a no-brainer.

Can't you just let me have this one?

No can do, "Knopey." As a matter of fact,

I would like to propose my own bill.

The Pawnee Clean Water Bill,

which prohibits adding anything to our water supply.

Forever.

Jamm's not going to be able to kill this reservoir merger, is he?

On my side, I have facts, science and reason.

All he has is fear-mongering.

My God. He's gonna win.

Yeah, people get jittery about stuff like this.

Remember last year when no one would get flu shots

because there was a rumor they turned you European?

Well, I'll figure something out.

Oh. Jessica's here. Got to go. Okay, bye.

Hey, sugarbutt.

Some lardos in Muncie ate tainted Sweetums Toffee Sticks

and diarrhea'd so much, they ended up in the hospital.

Oh!

Can we give their school, like, a new see-saw or something?

Yeah. Thanks.

The new site looks good. Nice work.

Oh, my God, these dogs are so cute.

I want to throw up and kill myself.

Animal Control had to take in all the pets from Eagleton

and Crazy Craig used to run all their shelters,

so he helped me make an adoption website for all their dogs.

If you can look at that site and not want to take home 50 dogs,

you're, basically, a war criminal.

See the way that dog is rolling around in a puddle?

That's something Andy does when he gets hot.

Wait, you're right. That is so Andy.

Oh, my God. That dog is totally Tom. Tom.

I don't know why. It doesn't look like him, but it just is.

It's like, that dog is the essence of Tom.

Okay. Important meeting in the conference room right now.

We are going to all pick our spirit dogs.

Oh. I've got to pick up Gayle at the airport.

Larry, I swear to God, if you leave right now

we will make your spirit dog a Miniature Schnauzer.

Is that bad? Yes. Get in there!

Ann found this place. It's where we bought our Sounds of Nature machine.

You bought a machine that replicates an open window.

Frasier. Chris Traeger. Do you remember me?

I came in here looking for the Vanna White book on child care,

I'd Like to Solve the Puzzle of Parenting.

Could you show my friend Ron that amazing crib that you sold me?

The Baby Love Little Sweetheart Safe Forever and Ever model?

Oh. Yeah. That thing is a death trap. I'm sorry?

Just found out this morning, it's being recalled.

They found Maxicylofentabol in the glue.

Is that good? It sounds bad.

It burned off my fingernails.

I'll be in the car.

Councilwoman Leslie Knope wants to put fluoride,

which is a chemical, into your drinking water.

You know what else is a chemical? Strychnine.

And cyanide.

What? And dirt. And rust.

And even broken glass. Exactly.

You definitely understand what chemicals are, Perd.

I would suggest, if you want to contact the psychopath

that wants to turn your kids into bad-at-math communist fluoride zombies,

well, just call the number at the bottom of your screen.

Leslie Knope. No. Stop right there. You know what?

Fluoride protects your teeth and it's perfectly healthy for you.

Well, if Jamm says that, then he is a lying idiot.

And if you believe it, then so are you.

Whoa! You just talked to that person

like I talk to you. You can't do that.

Why not? What are they gonna do, kick me out of office?

Why did it take me so long to realize this?

There are no consequences to my actions anymore.

No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me.

I'm like a white, male, US senator.

Fluoride is going into the water, moron.

Oh. Hey, Mom. Sorry.

Because all it does is prevent cavities!

God! I expected more from you.

All right, I'm a loose cannon.

We need to fight fire with fire. I call a town hall meeting,

I gather everyone together, I distribute the binders.

But now, the binders are bright yellow!

Boom!

Too extreme?

Too nothing. Look, Jamm's already ruined fluoride.

Everyone's scared of it. What if we called it something else?

What do you mean? I mean, we rebrand.

No one cared about Calvin Broadus,

until he started calling himself Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Then, when people got tired of that, he went by Snoop Dogg.

And now, he's Snoop Lion.

What's he going to be in 10 years? Snoop Laser Snake? Who knows?

What are you saying, we need to sex up fluoride?

I don't know, Tom. It's a pretty sexy topic already.

Leslie, you got to give people something to get excited about.

You told me to make the most of my job. I'm good at this stuff.

Now, are you a loose cannon or not?

Yeah.

I'm as loose as a goose. Do your thing, Tom.

Aw.

Now, remember. It's about finding a dog that captures your spirit.

See? This is Craig.

Oh, no, that is insane.

I will burn this place to the ground, if you pick that one!

Okay, good choice.

You guys. Leslie. Yes.

And Ron Swanson.

Yeah! Oh, my God. This is Larry.

That's great. You nailed it. Bingo. Donna. Nailed it.

You're a poodle because you're pretty, and you like make-up and stuff.

Game over.

Ron, I want to do things the Swanson way.

Wonderful. First rule, no conversation lasts longer than 100 total words.

You have used nine. I have used 20. Continue.

Fun. I'd like you to teach me to build a crib.

Why do you need to build your own crib?

Because I no longer trust anything other than my own two hands.

It is debilitating, but exciting.

Okay. We'll go to my woodshop at lunch. Wonderful.

Look at us. Both standing on the cusp of fatherhood.

I know we haven't spent a lot of time together, but I hope...

One hundred.

All right. So, in conclusion, fluoride chemical,

tiny genitals, misinformation, panic death, Jenny McCarthy.

Well, I don't know, Councilman. That was a little dry.

What do you say we have some fun? Huh?

Check this.

Plain water? Yuck. I'm bored.

Then, try this.

What? What just happened?

That water contains TDazzle,

which makes your teeth stronger, and starts a party in your mouth.

What? Fluoride's boring, guys! Boo!

Welcome to T-Dazzle.

It's not a chemical, it's an aquatic-based, social media oral experience.

Everyone who tweets a T-Dazzle in the next hour

will be entered to win an exciting plain blue t-shirt.

- I say T. You say Dazzle. T! - Dazzle!

- T! - Dazzle!

Thank you for the woodworking lesson, Ron.

This whole crib recall thing has got me, literally, rethinking everything

I thought I knew about parenting.

What sleep method will you be using? Ferber? Sears?

Swanson method,

where you close your eyes and fall asleep.

I really wish Ron would engage.

But he exudes so much wisdom that I can learn parenting tips

simply by being in his presence.

Someone like Ron is teaching even when they're not teaching.

Does that make sense?

My anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours.

Our polling shows that 72% of citizens are in favor

of adding T-Dazzle to their water,

effectively killing Councilman Jamm's so-called Clean Water Bill.

Eat it, Jamm. I won.

Apology accepted.

You know, I've actually come around to your way of thinking on this.

My only thought is, why stop here?

Ladies and gentlemen, Sweetums president, Jessica Wicks.

Whoo!

Look, we all love T-Dazzle.

But we can do more to improve our drinking supply.

Sweetums is excited to propose

an alternative to boring municipal water.

We call it, Drink-Ems! Whoo!

Sweetums is prepared to take over the management of Pawnee's water.

This is going to save this town beaucoup bucks.

Take a sip of this delicious water

and imagine it coming out of your faucets at home.

This water is filled with sugar.

There's absolutely no way we are doing this.

Too late. We're going to fill the whole reservoir with this stuff.

Checkmate.

Did you bring those with you just to do that?

- Maybe. - Damn.

This is a baller move. What are we gonna do now, Leslie?

Hey. Okay. Are you still mad at me about the poodle thing?

It's just a dumb game. I can pick another dog.

I'm not mad about the choice.

I'm mad about the reasons.

Pretty? Make-up? Is that all you know about me?

Mmm. We don't hang out that much.

It's not like you know a ton about me.

You're beautiful, yet cold and aloof.

You pride yourself on being a loner.

You do not obey, you choose to cooperate.

And when you stop baring your fangs to pick a mate, it's for life.

And you are fiercely loyal to your pack,

which makes you, a rare, black, Siberian Husky.

That was so spot-on, it was scary.

I need to go lie down for 45 minutes.

No. An hour.

A full hour.

Good morning. This won't take long.

Simply put, it would be madness

to let Sweetums take over our water supply and pump it full of sugar.

What's next? Cookie dough toothpaste?

Bad example. That would be amazing.

My point is, Sweetums is an evil, profit-hungry corporation

that is ruining our health.

Ever since Sweetums opened its doors, obesity is up 100%.

It's unacceptable.

Down with that poison-peddling corporate monster.

Down with Sweetums!

Hey. Hey. Heard about your speech.

Sounded great. I wish you could have seen it.

It felt so good. I love loose cannoning.

You know, I love the power of no consequences.

Well, unfortunately, there has been one consequence.

I just got fired from Sweetums.

Because you were embezzling. I hope.

Hey, Jessica. Did you do something to your hair?

Because sister, you look good enough to eat.

Nom-nom-nom.

What do you want, Leslie?

You can't punish Ben for something I did. It's not fair.

I love him, and I will do anything to help him get his job back.

What do you want?

I want you to formally apologize for what you said about Sweetums.

I want you to say that we're a moral, upstanding corporation

that you're proud to have in Pawnee.

And when you make your apology,

I want you to wear a lime-green pantsuit.

Because it will look horrible on you. You are such an autumn.

Did you need me for something? Yes.

I want to figure out your spirit dog and I'm going to do that

by learning everything there is to know about you.

All right. Game on.

Okay. What's your favorite color?

For cars, it's gold. For shoes, it's red.

Unless it's the weekend, then reverse them.

Favorite music. 1970s funk and 1770s opera and Sugar Ray.

Post Mark McGrath, after he left for Entertainment Tonight.

Favorite book. Downton Abbey.

That's not a... Downton Abbey.

Okay. Um... Describe your perfect Sunday.

Church, do the Harper's Magazine acrostic,

play my oboe in the Jacuzzi,

while the sun sets over Puget Sound.

Favorite movies? In order. Natural Born Killers,

Remains of the Day and Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

Excellent. Thank you very much for your time.

I will have your answer shortly.

No idea.

If a joint is properly fashioned, all you need to do is guide it into place.

All you need to do is guide it into place.

What I get from that is, when parenting,

sometimes, a subtle hand is more effective than a strong one.

This is already so much more helpful than the last book on parenting I read,

Rad Dads, by Apolo Anton Ohno and Shaun White.

Nah...

Ron, why did you throw that wood away?

It's unstable. It's no good.

I just don't understand the "throwing away the wood" metaphor.

What's the lesson?

I know! It's potty-training.

That trash can is the toilet and the wood was the feces.

Chris, I'm not teaching you anything. We're just building a crib.

No, I know you're not consciously teaching me anything.

I'm just trying to siphon off

some of your calm, centered wisdom through metaphors.

Metaphors? I hate metaphors.

That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick.

No frou-frou symbolism. Just a good, simple tale

about a man, who hates an animal.

That's enough for today, I think.

An organized child is a... No.

Okay, I've been working on this for three hours,

and I know your spirit dog.

You are a Nova Scotia Toller.

Because you're outgoing and adventurous

and you love Canada?

No, that's not right. No, it isn't.

But I appreciate the effort. We're good.

Do not beat yourself up.

You'll probably never guess what kind of dog I am.

You're right. I'll never guess what kind of dog you are.

Because you're not a dog. You're a cat.

You're temperamental, you're unpredictable, complex and hard to read.

You make people work before you let them in.

But if they put the time in and prove that they care,

then you open yourself up to them.

Right?

No. No, no, no, no.

Hmm.

So, let's all raise a glass full of delicious, sugary drinking water,

to Sweetums, a Pawnee institution.

Leslie, don't do this. I have to, Ben.

We can't both be out of a job.

What do we do? Sleep all day, take cooking classes together,

sit on a couch and watch movies?

God, that sounds horrible. There's more at stake here.

You apologize, it will be an endorsement for the Drink-Ems plan.

I know that, but...

And everything you said about Sweetums was right on.

I mean, 90% of the charity work I did

was to compensate for messes they caused.

And I don't want to work for them anymore.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Just go up there and stick to your guns.

Well, it's not gonna make a difference. I can't beat them.

All I have on my side is facts and science,

and people hate facts and science.

Wait. I have an idea. Go get Tom.

What? Run. Get Tom!

Yesterday, I said some pretty harsh things about Sweetums

and their great new product.

But when I looked at the research, I found some pretty compelling facts

about Drink-Ems that made me change my tune.

Each Drink-Ems is packed with 35% of your daily

monopotassium phosphate requirement.

MPP is an emulsifier, as well as a plus-seven pH buffer.

Now, I know what you're thinking. What about its molar mass?

How does 136.086 grab you?

What the...

I don't know about y'all, but Drink-Ems seems pretty boring to me.

Not like H2FLOW.

Excuse me. I have several binders

with very important data that I need to get through.

Well, Miss, I think we'd all appreciate it

if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush.

Think of H2FLOW as an app for your teeth.

The more flow you take in, the more sparkle points you get.

Get enough sparkle points, and you're on your way to your first Aqua Badge.

Collect enough Aqua Badges, and we'll welcome you

to the H2FLOW Platinum Club.

I'm great at business, and I'm great at Parks stuff.

I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan.

I can paint. But, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler.

Ron, what's this?

The crib I built. I'm giving it to you and Ann.

It's perfectly safe. I tested it by hitting it with my truck.

Well, Ron, I can't accept. This is for your baby.

There is more than one crib-tree in a forest.

That's not a lesson, by the way. Just a comment on lumber availability.

It's beautiful. Thank you.

Nobody has all the right answers in parenting, including me.

And that toxic crib you bought won't be the last mistake you make.

But a man who is this worried, about making all the right choices,

cares very much.

That's all that matters. You'll be a great father.

Thank you, Ron. For the crib and the advice.

It's much better than any metaphor.

Does the white whale actually symbolize

the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence?

- No. It's just a... - fish.

Hey. Good news. Drink-Ems is dead.

As of tomorrow, every Pawnee resident

will have H2FLOW in their drinking water.

That's great news. H2FLOW is fluoride, right?

They think so. I'll double-check with Tom, but I'm, like, 95% sure.

Well, look at us. Two people, who are about to have zero jobs.

Weird, huh?

You and I, we always land on our feet, right?

Uh-oh.

Guess who won that plain blue t-shirt.

No way! Look how blue it is!

Wow! Things are already looking up. Yeah.

Ripped By mstoll