All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E22 - Are You Better Off (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,368 --> 00:00:03,109 LESLIE: Okay, everyone. Look in your folders. 2 00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:05,274 You will find information about Founder's Week. 3 00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:06,874 And before we start brainstorming, 4 00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:09,079 I just wanna thank Ron for lending us his cabin. 5 00:00:09,142 --> 00:00:10,416 Lending? 6 00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:12,013 Makes it sound like I had a choice in the matter. 7 00:00:12,078 --> 00:00:13,682 I never should've agreed to this 8 00:00:13,813 --> 00:00:15,417 or let you know that I have a cabin 9 00:00:15,482 --> 00:00:17,291 or gotten to know any of you. 10 00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:18,454 That's the spirit. 11 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:21,624 Founder's Week is a yearly celebration of all things Pawnee. 12 00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:24,565 We've got a pie-eating contest, a giant petting zoo, 13 00:00:24,624 --> 00:00:28,003 and the grand-daddy of them all, the Founder's Week Parade. 14 00:00:28,061 --> 00:00:29,131 Don't wanna over-hype it, 15 00:00:29,229 --> 00:00:31,937 but our parade makes the Rose Bowl Parade 16 00:00:31,998 --> 00:00:33,636 look like a turds-on-wheels convention. 17 00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:35,101 Let's do an exercise. 18 00:00:35,168 --> 00:00:37,512 April, what makes Pawnee the best city in the world? 19 00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:40,073 Easy. Most murders per capita. 20 00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,142 The guillotine was invented here. 21 00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:44,277 City Hall is run by the walrus mafia. 22 00:00:44,344 --> 00:00:47,223 Donna, help me out. What makes Pawnee so great? 23 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:48,350 Cost of living is cheap. 24 00:00:48,415 --> 00:00:50,053 In about three years, I will have saved enough 25 00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:51,959 to pay off my condo in Seattle. 26 00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:53,823 You have a condo in Seattle? 27 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,696 Yes, I like the rain and the fish markets. 28 00:00:55,822 --> 00:00:57,165 LESLIE: Guys, we need to focus. 29 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,601 I want this to be the best Founder's Week ever, okay? 30 00:00:59,659 --> 00:01:01,468 No more distractions. 31 00:01:01,594 --> 00:01:03,437 I'm bored. 32 00:01:03,496 --> 00:01:06,739 Let's go have sex in a tree. He'll be back in eight minutes. 33 00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:08,607 Why did you have to bring her here? 34 00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:10,272 I don't really have any power in this relationship. 35 00:01:10,336 --> 00:01:12,043 I'll think of ideas in the tree. 36 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:13,879 MONA-LISA: Anyone's welcome to join us in the tree! 37 00:01:34,894 --> 00:01:36,237 Really? 38 00:01:37,297 --> 00:01:40,244 Okay. Thank you. Bye. 39 00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:42,806 You Okay? 40 00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:45,004 Yeah, I'm fine. 41 00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:48,814 Good morning, colleagues, co-workers, friends. 42 00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:52,015 Everyone feeling normal... Today? 43 00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:54,749 ANDY: Here's what happened. I left my sweatshirt at Ron's cabin. 44 00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:58,557 When I went back to get it, I found this in the trash, 45 00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:00,256 positive pregnancy test. 46 00:02:00,887 --> 00:02:02,924 Side note, I accidentally threw my sweatshirt away. 47 00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:04,559 That's why I was digging through the trash. 48 00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,169 Found that, too. Pretty cool. 49 00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:08,069 So if my science is correct, 50 00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:11,370 one of the five women who were at the cabin... 51 00:02:11,431 --> 00:02:16,005 Leslie, Donna, Ann, Mona-Lisa, or April... 52 00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,777 ls pregnant! Can't be April. 53 00:02:19,339 --> 00:02:22,650 She would've told me. That leaves four suspects. 54 00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:25,552 There's only one man for this job, 55 00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:28,592 Bert Macklin, FBI. 56 00:02:28,681 --> 00:02:30,183 They said I was retired. 57 00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:33,059 They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department. 58 00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:34,661 Turns out they were right... 59 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,433 And wrong. 60 00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:39,900 Macklin, you son of a bitch. 61 00:02:41,394 --> 00:02:43,931 Hello, fellow Pawneeans. As you know, 62 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,806 the Founder's Week festivities kick off tomorrow. 63 00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:47,173 Um, one small announcement. 64 00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:49,213 Due to a tragic misunderstanding, 65 00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:51,215 the prettiest pig beauty pageant 66 00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:54,548 has been replaced by a pork rib barbecue competition. 67 00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:56,510 Oh, no. 68 00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:59,523 But on to less grisly news, thank you for participating 69 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,718 in our special Founder's Week public forum 70 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,021 led by Councilwoman Leslie Knope. 71 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:05,790 (CROWD APPLAUDING) 72 00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:09,592 LESLIE: Thanks to a lot of hard work and some very dedicated civil servants, 73 00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:12,262 this has been a banner year for our city. 74 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:14,805 Obesity and diabetes are down. 75 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:18,035 Test scores are up. Pawnee raccoon attacks have decreased. 76 00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:19,906 People can now suddenly feel safe 77 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,808 in our parks, grocery stores, and hospitals. 78 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,007 I am very proud of what we've accomplished. 79 00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:28,309 In fact, this forum is kind of my victory lap. 80 00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:31,187 I am here today to ask you one question. 81 00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:35,359 Are you better off now than you were a year ago? 82 00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:36,959 Who'd like to start? Uh-oh. 83 00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:40,298 Kathryn Pinewood, Pawnee Restaurant Association. 84 00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,357 This town is not better off. 85 00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:44,368 This past year has been a disaster, 86 00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:46,436 and this government is hell-bent 87 00:03:46,492 --> 00:03:50,201 on stripping away our most basic personal freedoms. 88 00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:51,639 Okay, counterpoint. 89 00:03:51,698 --> 00:03:54,804 Ms. Pinewood, I've never stripped away anyone's freedoms. 90 00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:56,608 I simply stopped a restaurant 91 00:03:56,669 --> 00:04:00,674 from serving an insane SOD-ounce soda to its customers, 92 00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,445 which only made our citizens healthier. 93 00:04:02,508 --> 00:04:06,217 And frankly, I don't see any of those citizens standing up and complaining... 94 00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:08,054 (AUDIENCE MURMURING) 95 00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:09,457 Okay. Now, I see them. 96 00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:12,587 Whoa, Darren! Slow down! 97 00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:15,326 That sweat suit's not for sweating in, okay? This is crushed velvet. 98 00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:17,561 If you go at more than a brisk walk, it will fall apart. 99 00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:20,070 This looks dope. Let's pay for it. 100 00:04:20,126 --> 00:04:21,833 TQM'. Business is booming. 101 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:23,997 If it keeps up like this, I would leave the Parks Department 102 00:04:24,063 --> 00:04:27,010 and do Rent A Swag full-time, maybe even expand. 103 00:04:27,066 --> 00:04:29,637 I could add a baby section over there, call it Li'l Swaggers. 104 00:04:29,702 --> 00:04:31,978 I could add some old people stuff, call it Rent A Sag. 105 00:04:32,038 --> 00:04:34,075 Ugh, no. Old people are gross. 106 00:04:34,907 --> 00:04:36,443 Oh, nice. 107 00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:38,853 Hey, dingdong! Can I go home? 108 00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:42,791 My tum-tum feels gross, and also, I hate working. 109 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,729 I guess, but find someone to cover for you, okay? 110 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:47,856 'Cause we're really busy right now. (LAUGHS) 111 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:50,332 Also, a lawyer guy called you. 112 00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:54,839 He sounded really sexy on the phone, and I was very into that. 113 00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:57,135 Like, I was, like, very into that. 114 00:04:57,196 --> 00:04:58,675 All right, let's set up some boundaries 115 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,300 on what's cool for you to say to me, okay? 116 00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:01,811 Okay. I frenched my cousin one time. 117 00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:03,413 That's gross. 118 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:04,846 I might still be in love with him. 119 00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:05,905 Please leave. 120 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,040 All right, bye. 121 00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:11,051 Tom Haverford, my name is Trevor Nelsson. 122 00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:14,091 I represent a client who would like to make you an offer. 123 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:17,128 Babyface heard my demo? I will accept a record deal. 124 00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,361 No, you deeply misunderstand. 125 00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:21,865 My client has taken an interest in Rent A Swag. 126 00:05:21,921 --> 00:05:24,060 He'd like to know if you are looking 127 00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:26,363 to sell a controlling interest in the store. Whoa. 128 00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:28,372 Diddy wants to buy Rent A Swag? 129 00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:29,532 Not what I said. 130 00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:30,800 This is a lot to process. 131 00:05:30,863 --> 00:05:33,503 Will Diddy be coming to the meeting? 132 00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:35,738 I'm not at liberty to tell you who my client is. 133 00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:37,973 It would violate confidentiality. 134 00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:39,209 I understand. 135 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,511 It's not Diddy. 136 00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:41,779 Got it. 137 00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:47,113 (KNOCK ON WINDOW) 138 00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:53,189 Oh. Hello, Ann. 139 00:05:53,252 --> 00:05:55,163 Oh, boy. What do you want, Macklin? 140 00:05:55,221 --> 00:05:57,497 Me? Just observing. 141 00:05:57,557 --> 00:05:59,696 A little something they taught us down at Quantico. 142 00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:01,966 Well, I guess I'll get out of your hair. 143 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:04,302 Wait, there is just one more question. 144 00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:05,635 Congratulations. 145 00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:06,903 Is that a question? 146 00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:09,207 It's an accusation, 'cause I know your secret. 147 00:06:10,169 --> 00:06:11,307 You're pregnant. 148 00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:12,609 What? I'm not pregnant. 149 00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:16,278 You're not? Damn it. Who is? 'Cause I found this at Ron Swanson's cabin. 150 00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:17,787 It's a pregnancy test. Oh, my God. 151 00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:21,291 Someone we know is pregnant? I'm trying to get pregnant. That's not fair. 152 00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:23,691 I mean, great, and happy for them, 153 00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,194 and congratulations, whatever, but, ooh, no! Boo! 154 00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:27,424 We have to find out who this is. 155 00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:30,661 Whoa, I don't think so. Bert Macklin works alone. 156 00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,964 I will buy lunch. You can have as many burgers as you want. 157 00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:34,537 Welcome to the FBI. 158 00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:39,542 Ms. Pinewood, Leslie's public health initiative has been a huge success. 159 00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:42,079 Pawnee is no longer the fourth most obese city in America. 160 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,375 We're now ninth. 161 00:06:43,469 --> 00:06:44,470 CHRIS: Together, as a town, 162 00:06:44,537 --> 00:06:47,711 we lost an amount of weight equal to 800 pregnant manatees. 163 00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:50,152 A gym opened, and it stayed in business. 164 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,120 And people checking into the ER 165 00:06:52,178 --> 00:06:55,091 after ingesting a whole candy wrapper is down 40%. 166 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,593 But where will it end? 167 00:06:56,649 --> 00:06:58,595 Now, you wanna rob our children of fun 168 00:06:58,651 --> 00:07:01,257 by attacking the Sweetums School Lunch Program, 169 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,493 literally taking candy from babies. 170 00:07:03,556 --> 00:07:05,729 Those school lunches are incredibly unhealthy. 171 00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:09,171 You somehow convinced the school board that napkins are a vegetable. 172 00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:10,639 They're made from plants. 173 00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:13,404 Stop restricting our freedoms. 174 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:14,603 WOMAN: Yeah! 175 00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:15,907 (AUDIENCE AGREEING) 176 00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:21,848 My name is Dewey from Sanitation. 177 00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:25,253 Ever since you stripped us of our freedoms by making us hire women, 178 00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:28,520 we've had to turn one of our bathrooms into a woman's bathroom. 179 00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:30,093 We only have one bathroom now. 180 00:07:30,149 --> 00:07:31,253 I'm so sorry, Dewey. 181 00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:33,319 That sounds like a horrible price to pay 182 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:35,332 for something as trivial as gender equality. 183 00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:36,695 So you agree. 184 00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:39,167 Bjorn Lerpiss of the Pawnee Lerpiss family. 185 00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:42,570 There was supposed to be a Paunch Burger in this lot next to my house. 186 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,665 And then, you stripped my freedom by putting a park there. 187 00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:46,175 Now, if I wanna start my day off 188 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,744 with a triple-decker pancake breakfast pizza, 189 00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:49,278 I gotta go to the one that's 10 minutes away, 190 00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:51,178 and that makes me 20 minutes late to work every day. 191 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:52,408 I work at home. 192 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,281 Have you ever considered not eating that for breakfast? 193 00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:56,183 I'll never consider that. 194 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,687 This feels strangely personal. 195 00:07:58,744 --> 00:08:00,883 Maybe it's because they're all standing up 196 00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:03,152 saying how much they hate me as a person. 197 00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:06,521 How many people am I talking to, Donna? 198 00:08:06,586 --> 00:08:08,623 One or one and a ninth? 199 00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:10,563 Are you asking me if I'm pregnant? 200 00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:13,068 Oh, interesting. 201 00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:16,470 I don't remember saying anything about anyone being pregnant. 202 00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:18,838 Are you sure it's not you? 203 00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:21,037 I'm a grown woman with a good head on her shoulders. 204 00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,909 Don't worry about me. 205 00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:26,610 Whoo! This case just got interesting. 206 00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,516 Well, not just. It was pretty interesting to begin with. 207 00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:33,250 This case just remained interesting. 208 00:08:34,046 --> 00:08:35,650 Listen, my wife and I do not feel 209 00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:37,419 that we're better off than a year ago 210 00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:40,589 because a year ago, this town was not a horrifying sex den 211 00:08:40,653 --> 00:08:41,927 where people could put their body parts 212 00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:43,228 anywhere they want with impunity. 213 00:08:43,422 --> 00:08:47,063 And then, you were elected. And now, this town is a horrifying sex den 214 00:08:47,126 --> 00:08:48,605 where people can put their body parts 215 00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:51,039 anywhere they want to with impunity. Yeah. 216 00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:52,576 If you are referring to my fight 217 00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:55,408 to teach comprehensive sex education, 218 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:57,778 you need to at least acknowledge the fact 219 00:08:57,837 --> 00:09:00,078 that STDs are down 14% from last year. 220 00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,779 And deviant behavior in Pawnee is up a billion percent! 221 00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:03,946 No, it's... No, it's... 222 00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:07,116 This town is going to hell in a Gucci knock-off handbag, girl. 223 00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:09,557 (CROWD CHEERING) See? See? 224 00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:11,253 They agree. Come on. 225 00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,725 I am definitely better off than I was a year ago, 226 00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:15,424 and it's all thanks to Leslie Knope. 227 00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:18,025 This woman single-handedly saved my business. 228 00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:20,229 Thank you, Dennis. There you go, perfect example. 229 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:21,670 No need for further questions on that one. 230 00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:24,503 Oh, I'm sorry. What is your business, sir? 231 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,441 Oh, I run a pornographic DVD emporium. 232 00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:30,103 Well, it used to be a quaint, little movie rental place 233 00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:31,580 with a lot of community value. 234 00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:32,638 Oh, It's much better now. 235 00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:33,773 MAN: Yeah! 236 00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:37,114 Leslie is the best. 237 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,483 No, no, Brandi. 238 00:09:38,544 --> 00:09:39,579 Hello, everyone. 239 00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:40,851 I'm Brandi Maxxxx... 240 00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:42,186 ALL: Hi, Brandi. 241 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:45,559 Star of such films as The Incredible Burt Wonderbone, 242 00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:48,292 A Good Guy to Lay Hard, and Argo. 243 00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:53,260 I had a small part in Argo as well as the porn version, Our Goo. 244 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:55,670 I've seen the first 90 seconds. It's thrilling. 245 00:09:55,728 --> 00:09:57,332 BRANDI: If it weren't for Leslie Knope, 246 00:09:57,396 --> 00:10:00,377 there would be far, far less pornography in this town. 247 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,380 No, what happened was there was a misunderstanding, 248 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,438 and I accidentally got the government involved 249 00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:08,610 in an unseemly business, but I cleared that up, and everything's fine. 250 00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:11,917 It's not like I'm some kind of sex-crazed maniac or something. 251 00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:13,480 Leslie, are you pregnant? 252 00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,957 Did you or did you not leave 253 00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:17,016 this positive pregnancy test in a dumpster in the woods? 254 00:10:18,818 --> 00:10:19,819 Hey, everybody. 255 00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:24,328 No. Really? 256 00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:26,370 Okay. Well, I'll get out of your hair. 257 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:27,836 Sorry to interrupt. 258 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,337 ANDY: (WHISPERING) Was that Brandi Maxxxx? 259 00:10:30,763 --> 00:10:34,905 Investors, I have some very exciting news about Rent A Swag. 260 00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,208 Someone, I'm not saying Diddy, 261 00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:39,112 but I'm not not saying Diddy, 262 00:10:39,171 --> 00:10:42,948 has offered to buy out Rent A Swag for a buttload of money. 263 00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:44,386 How big a buttload, son? 264 00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:47,720 We would all basically double our investments. 265 00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,283 Are you kidding me? Sell, baby. 266 00:10:50,349 --> 00:10:51,692 Imagine the kind of treat-yourself day 267 00:10:51,751 --> 00:10:53,025 we could have with the profits. 268 00:10:53,119 --> 00:10:56,760 I'm talking pedicures on pedicures on pedicures. 269 00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:57,892 That is appealing. 270 00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,697 If someone is interested in buying you out, 271 00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:01,566 it means you're doing something right. 272 00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:05,131 I say you continue to grow, accumulate power, find this investor, 273 00:11:05,197 --> 00:11:07,507 and buy his business to teach him a lesson. 274 00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:08,968 April, what do you think? 275 00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:10,105 I thought about this a lot. 276 00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:13,013 I actually think that you should get a Hello Kitty tattoo. 277 00:11:13,072 --> 00:11:14,642 No, with the store. 278 00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:16,584 Oh, uh, burn it for the insurance money. 279 00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:18,482 Tom, listen to me, if there's one thing I've learned... 280 00:11:18,544 --> 00:11:20,114 God, nobody cares, Jerry. Enough. 281 00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,317 Thank you. 282 00:11:21,447 --> 00:11:22,619 I miss you guys. 283 00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:27,529 What a wonderful event. Everyone is having fun. This is great. 284 00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,657 (SIGHS) Chris, could you just please... 285 00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:31,497 I'm sorry, I was just trying to cheer you up. 286 00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:32,865 Just hang in there. Thanks. 287 00:11:32,925 --> 00:11:36,099 All right, if you'll excuse me, I found out this morning that I am playing 288 00:11:36,162 --> 00:11:38,506 a special role in this parade. 289 00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:39,941 No spoilers. 290 00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:42,874 Honey, I hate to state the obvious, 291 00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:44,709 but you chose a life in politics. 292 00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:46,306 I mean, the more you actually accomplish, 293 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,942 the more heat you're gonna draw. 294 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,110 Yeah, I know. 295 00:11:49,241 --> 00:11:50,345 Let's go watch the parade. 296 00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:51,615 You know you can't resist a parade. 297 00:11:51,744 --> 00:11:52,984 That's true. 298 00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:54,490 Parades and your butt, 299 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,855 my two vices. There you go. 300 00:11:55,915 --> 00:11:57,451 Whoa. What are you doing? (LAUGHS) 301 00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:00,193 My assistant has something she'd like to show you. 302 00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:01,253 Partner. 303 00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:04,801 Oh, my assistant has something she'd like to show you, partner. 304 00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:06,964 It's a positive pregnancy test, Tom. 305 00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:08,300 I found it outside of Ron's cabin 306 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:09,600 after our brainstorming session. 307 00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:12,609 Is there any possibility Mona-Lisa could be pregnant? 308 00:12:13,099 --> 00:12:14,942 We always use protection... 309 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,378 (SIGHS) But I'm pretty positive she pokes holes in them. 310 00:12:17,436 --> 00:12:18,915 What brand pregnancy test is it? 311 00:12:18,971 --> 00:12:20,348 It's called Womb There It ls. 312 00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:21,850 That's her brand. 313 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:24,880 I'm gonna be a dad? 314 00:12:24,944 --> 00:12:27,754 I'm gonna have a baby with Jean-Ralphio's sister? 315 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:31,327 Oh, God. What have I done? Like, to humanity? 316 00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,695 (BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC) 317 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,824 (CROWD CHEERING) 318 00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:40,226 This is the perfect thing to take my mind off of yesterday. 319 00:12:40,292 --> 00:12:43,535 I am going to pretend that this is my victory parade 320 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,701 and the town is celebrating my hard work and dedication. 321 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:46,766 There you go. (LAUGHS) 322 00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:49,438 Leslie, Leslie. I'm so sorry. I need to talk to you. 323 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:52,142 What are... What? 324 00:12:52,204 --> 00:12:53,444 I'm the Nipple King. 325 00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:55,452 Kernston's Rubber Nipple Company 326 00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,010 elects a Nipple King and a Nipple Queen 327 00:12:57,143 --> 00:12:58,645 every year to ride on the float. 328 00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,588 Congratulations, Chris. Thank you. 329 00:13:00,646 --> 00:13:01,681 It's such an amazing honor. 330 00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:02,748 It's wonderful. 331 00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:05,489 But I do need to talk to you about a float that is in this parade, 332 00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:06,689 because I'm not sure that you're going to be... 333 00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:08,698 LESLIE: (ON RECORDING) No fun for you! Uh-oh. 334 00:13:08,754 --> 00:13:10,290 No fun for you! 335 00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,199 LESLIE: Is that me? 336 00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:13,328 BEN: Maybe it's not you. 337 00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:15,303 Maybe it's Kate Upton. Aw, thank you. 338 00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,864 No, it's me, and damn them. No fun for you! 339 00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:21,104 Hey! Hey, stop, please! 340 00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:22,737 Stop! Excuse me, Pawnee. 341 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,510 I'm sorry, I don't mean to stop your parade or anything, 342 00:13:25,571 --> 00:13:27,676 but I just have to say something here, okay? 343 00:13:27,773 --> 00:13:29,377 I don't think this is very fair! 344 00:13:29,508 --> 00:13:31,146 Babe, stop wagging your finger. 345 00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:33,053 Certain people are lashing out at me 346 00:13:33,179 --> 00:13:35,056 because of things that I did this year. 347 00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,788 But I am not trying to stop you from having fun. 348 00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:39,295 I am an extremely fun person. 349 00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:45,768 This float represents a group of over 300 business owners, individuals, 350 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:50,740 and community leaders who are protesting unfair government regulation. 351 00:13:50,796 --> 00:13:54,744 We are the Committee to Recall Leslie Knope. 352 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,508 Let's kick her out of office. 353 00:13:57,603 --> 00:13:59,514 Recall Knope! 354 00:13:59,738 --> 00:14:01,740 ALL: (CHANTING) Recall Knope! 355 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,514 Recall Knope! 356 00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:04,850 Recall Knope! 357 00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:06,285 Legalize weed! 358 00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,582 Recall Knope! 359 00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:12,823 So, I need to ask you something 360 00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:14,693 and I kinda wish Jean-Ralphio wasn't here. 361 00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:17,901 Please tell me that you're dumping my sister, 362 00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,870 (LAUGHING) because I will laugh. I will laugh so much. 363 00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:22,667 Actually, it may be the opposite. 364 00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:24,473 Is this yours? 365 00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,008 No, no. 366 00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:31,078 Yeah. It's mine. 367 00:14:32,004 --> 00:14:33,176 I'm pregnant. 368 00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:34,377 JEAN-RALPHIO: Lemony Snicket. 369 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,420 Oh, my God, are you serious? 370 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,852 I'm gonna be an uncle? Is that a real thing? Is that gonna happen? 371 00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:41,187 No, no, that's too much responsibility for me. 372 00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:42,849 I gotta find another way out of this. 373 00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:44,622 Well, I wish you told me. 374 00:14:44,683 --> 00:14:46,754 I mean, obviously, we need to talk about our future. 375 00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:48,992 Maybe I could sell the business, and we could use the profits 376 00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:50,897 to put a down payment on a house or something, or... Mmm-hmm. 377 00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:52,765 Psych! What? 378 00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,361 (BOTH LAUGHING) 379 00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:57,870 Look at your stupid face. 380 00:14:57,930 --> 00:14:59,102 JEAN-RALPHIO: You had a dumdum face. 381 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,437 MONA-LISA: That was hilarious. 382 00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:03,480 (SINGING) Oh, that was hilarious 383 00:15:03,535 --> 00:15:07,005 That's hilarious 384 00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:09,186 So you're not pregnant? This isn't yours? 385 00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,311 (BLEEP) no! 386 00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:16,122 Do you know how many different pills I take, birth control or otherwise? 387 00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:18,991 There is no way that I could be pregnant with a human baby. Uh-uh. 388 00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:20,894 Thank God. Yes! 389 00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:22,830 Tommy has his life back! Let's go! 390 00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:25,664 What the hell is wrong with you, man? That's my sister. 391 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:30,264 Nah! I'm just kidding, man. She's the worst. You dodged a bullet, baby. 392 00:15:30,329 --> 00:15:31,967 Congratulations. TOM: Thanks. 393 00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:33,032 MONA-LISA: Bad, bad, bad. 394 00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:35,169 Well, Macklin, it's not Mona-Lisa. 395 00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:37,345 It's not me, it's not Donna, it's not Leslie. 396 00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:39,110 There was only one other woman at that cabin. 397 00:15:39,171 --> 00:15:40,809 April? No, she would've told me. 398 00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,875 Besides, the math doesn't add up 399 00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:45,010 because we only have sex every single day. 400 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:48,250 And since she's the only one that we haven't talked to, 401 00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:50,055 it has to be hers. 402 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,060 Oh, my God. 403 00:15:52,484 --> 00:15:54,225 (CUTLERY SCRAPING ON PLATE) 404 00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:58,197 I don't like seeing you like this. 405 00:15:58,257 --> 00:15:59,759 I've never felt this way before. 406 00:15:59,858 --> 00:16:01,132 Maybe I should just quit. 407 00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:04,197 Maybe we should both quit, and we should move to the Bahamas, 408 00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:07,733 live on a beach, catch fish with homemade spears. 409 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,007 Yeah, you'd last about 30 seconds without work. 410 00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:11,509 When we went to Hawaii, 411 00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:13,379 you woke me up at 3:00 a.m. to watch Meet the Press. 412 00:16:13,439 --> 00:16:17,387 Well, it was Elizabeth Warren. Like, I'm not going to watch that live? 413 00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:19,150 Look, you can hate your job sometimes. 414 00:16:19,278 --> 00:16:21,019 It's allowed. But let me ask you this. 415 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,492 Do you think this town is better off than it was a year ago? 416 00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:24,550 Yes. 417 00:16:24,616 --> 00:16:26,493 Do you stand behind everything you've done? 418 00:16:26,552 --> 00:16:28,395 Yes. Then screw 'em. 419 00:16:29,888 --> 00:16:33,495 But even if I wanted to fight this recall, how would I do it? 420 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,335 Thank you all for coming. 421 00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:37,999 As most of you probably know, 422 00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:40,441 there is a large committee that has announced plans 423 00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:41,978 to recall me from office. 424 00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:44,014 My response to them is this... 425 00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:49,417 Bring it on. Step up. Step Up 2: The Streets. 426 00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:51,421 I'm sorry, my adrenaline is pumping, 427 00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:53,523 so all I can think of is dance movie titles. 428 00:16:53,645 --> 00:16:55,352 Stomp the Yard. There's one. 429 00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:58,486 Look, I work very hard for this town, as hard as I can, 430 00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:00,587 and all that matters to me is whether or not 431 00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:03,223 everyone here thinks that they are better off now 432 00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:04,892 than they were a year ago. 433 00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:06,061 I think you are. 434 00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:08,264 If you disagree with me, then go ahead and recall me. 435 00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:10,466 Go crazy. You Got Served. 436 00:17:10,729 --> 00:17:12,970 Silver Linings Playbook, kind of. 437 00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:14,476 The committee says they plan to push 438 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,011 for a recall vote within two months. 439 00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:17,604 Do you have a comment on that? Nope. 440 00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:20,650 Again, all I really care about is are you better off? 441 00:17:21,006 --> 00:17:22,644 I think I'm better off. 442 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:24,187 I haven't had a date in a while, 443 00:17:24,309 --> 00:17:25,788 but I'm learning a lot about me. 444 00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:27,187 Well, l wasn't asking you specifically, 445 00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:28,689 but I'm happy to hear that, Shauna. 446 00:17:28,747 --> 00:17:32,695 So, in conclusion, recall, shmecall. (CHUCKLES) 447 00:17:32,751 --> 00:17:34,890 No, I can't end my big press conference by 448 00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:37,159 saying "recall, shmecall." That's ridiculous. 449 00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:38,462 Ben, can you help me out here? 450 00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:40,834 That concludes Councilwoman Knope's press conference. 451 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,634 And if you have any further questions... 452 00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:43,695 (REPORTERS CLAMORING) 453 00:17:43,762 --> 00:17:46,743 Hold on to them, because she has a lot of work to do. 454 00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,369 Thanks, honey. Honey. 455 00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:50,641 That's another dance movie with Jessica Alba. 456 00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:53,944 LESLIE: All right, people. 457 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,815 The Pawnee River's not gonna clean itself. 458 00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:58,354 Volunteer weekend task force, mobilize. 459 00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,788 Oh, Leslie, this goes without saying, 460 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,325 but if you need any speeches or testimonials 461 00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,191 or just general enthusiasm for your recall fight, 462 00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,251 I'm your man. 463 00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:07,557 Thank you, Chris. You're welcome. 464 00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:08,927 I'll see you at the river. Oh, oh, oh! 465 00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:11,092 Last one to pick up 100 rusty cans 466 00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:13,362 has still accomplished a great deal. 467 00:18:14,059 --> 00:18:16,767 Hey, maybe after, you wanna come meet me and Chris for a drink? 468 00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:18,806 Sure. Hey, how's it going with you guys? 469 00:18:18,864 --> 00:18:21,902 We're great, actually, and we're having a good time. 470 00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:23,503 Sex is ridiculous. Mmm-hmm. 471 00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:26,049 Hopefully, that ridiculous sex will lead to a baby. 472 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,745 (SIGHS) I'm so happy for you. Just remember to use protection. 473 00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:30,844 Wait, no, don't. That would defeat the purpose. 474 00:18:30,909 --> 00:18:32,320 Okay, no. Do your thing. 475 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,353 (LAUGHING) Yeah! 476 00:18:36,415 --> 00:18:37,951 My wife is pregnant! 477 00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:39,619 Okay, put me down. 478 00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:40,755 Hey, you can't keep it from me. 479 00:18:40,819 --> 00:18:41,820 I found the pregnancy test, honey. 480 00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:45,027 Andy, I'm not pregnant, okay? And if I were, you shouldn't lift me up. 481 00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:46,926 Wait, are you sure you're not? 482 00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:49,700 Yeah. We've talked about this. Remember? 483 00:18:49,828 --> 00:18:51,171 I wanna wait until we're 50 484 00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:53,767 and then adopt a set of creepy adult twins from Romania. 485 00:18:53,932 --> 00:18:55,070 Yeah. Of course. 486 00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:57,144 Actually, there is something I need to tell you. 487 00:18:57,202 --> 00:18:59,148 (GASPS) You're pregnant. 488 00:18:59,204 --> 00:19:00,478 No. No! 489 00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:02,246 We just ruled that out. 490 00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:04,184 Dang it. Okay, a while ago, 491 00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:06,416 I applied to veterinary school in Bloomington, 492 00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:08,480 and I just found out that... 493 00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:10,026 l got in. 494 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:12,528 You did? That's amazing! 495 00:19:12,584 --> 00:19:14,154 Wait, why did you wait to tell me? 496 00:19:14,219 --> 00:19:16,859 Because I don't even know if I wanna go, okay? 497 00:19:16,922 --> 00:19:19,163 I mean, yes, it's been my dream to work with animals 498 00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:21,363 since I was a kid and everything. 499 00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:23,168 But it would mean I would be spending 500 00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:24,638 a lot of time apart from you, and... Oh. 501 00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:26,369 We could get through that. 502 00:19:26,565 --> 00:19:28,806 I mean, look. It would suck for awhile, 503 00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:31,210 and I would miss you while you're gone. 504 00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:35,514 But as I've known about you for the past 20 seconds, 505 00:19:35,641 --> 00:19:37,382 this is your dream. 506 00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,754 I'm really glad I married you. 507 00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:42,722 Yeah, we made a good call on that one. 508 00:19:43,715 --> 00:19:45,388 So I just wanted to let you know 509 00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:47,088 I will not be selling Rent A Swag. 510 00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:51,567 And you can go tell your client he now has 100 problems? 511 00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:53,500 Is it Jay-Z? No. 512 00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:54,765 But since you're not taking the deal, 513 00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:57,500 I should inform you that my client will be moving on to plan B. 514 00:19:57,563 --> 00:20:00,066 Opening his own store directly across the street from yours. 515 00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:02,236 Across the street? What kind of store is it gonna be? 516 00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:03,938 He's calling it Tommy's Closet. 517 00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:07,074 It's a high-end secondhand clothing store where parents can rent clothes 518 00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:09,016 for their teens, tweens, and pres, 519 00:20:09,074 --> 00:20:12,055 as well as babies, toddlers, grown-ups, and olds. 520 00:20:12,110 --> 00:20:13,851 But that's my idea and my name. 521 00:20:13,912 --> 00:20:16,324 So I guess only Domino's is allowed to sell pizza now? 522 00:20:16,415 --> 00:20:18,361 It's called capitalism, Mr. Haverford, 523 00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:20,429 and you are about to get a free lesson. 524 00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:23,393 Only this free lesson is going to cost you. 525 00:20:24,022 --> 00:20:25,968 So it's not free? 526 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:29,270 You're right. That was confusing. 527 00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:32,067 This lesson will cost you. Good day. 528 00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:36,178 This sucks, but I have to admit, it's a pretty baller move. 529 00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:38,246 You sure this isn't Diddy? 530 00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:42,885 It is Diddy. I knew it! 531 00:20:42,941 --> 00:20:44,420 It's not Diddy. 532 00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:49,955 Are you sure everything will be all right if April goes to vet school? 533 00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:52,291 There are no sure things in life, son, 534 00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:54,693 but you two seem pretty solid to me. 535 00:20:54,786 --> 00:20:56,197 Change is good, I guess. 536 00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:57,766 Not to me. 537 00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:59,598 Leslie's going around asking everybody 538 00:20:59,725 --> 00:21:01,534 if they're better off than they were a year ago. 539 00:21:02,027 --> 00:21:04,064 All I care about is that I'm the same. 540 00:21:04,463 --> 00:21:07,103 If I'm the same as I was a year ago, I'm happy. 541 00:21:07,232 --> 00:21:08,336 Wait, I forgot. 542 00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:10,611 Who the hell is pregnant? What? 543 00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:12,171 I found a pregnancy test at your cabin, 544 00:21:12,304 --> 00:21:13,840 I checked with all the girls that were there. 545 00:21:13,905 --> 00:21:15,350 It wasn't any of them. 546 00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:18,577 Hello, darling. What a surprise. 547 00:21:18,644 --> 00:21:22,091 Hey. Can we talk? Maybe in private? 548 00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:25,154 (GASPS) 42508

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