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1
00:00:01,368 --> 00:00:03,109
LESLIE: Okay, everyone.
Look in your folders.
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00:00:03,169 --> 00:00:05,274
You will find information
about Founder's Week.
3
00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:06,874
And before we
start brainstorming,
4
00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:09,079
I just wanna thank Ron
for lending us his cabin.
5
00:00:09,142 --> 00:00:10,416
Lending?
6
00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:12,013
Makes it sound like
I had a choice in the matter.
7
00:00:12,078 --> 00:00:13,682
I never should've
agreed to this
8
00:00:13,813 --> 00:00:15,417
or let you know
that I have a cabin
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00:00:15,482 --> 00:00:17,291
or gotten to know any of you.
10
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:18,454
That's the spirit.
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00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:21,624
Founder's Week is a yearly
celebration of all things Pawnee.
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00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:24,565
We've got a pie-eating
contest, a giant petting zoo,
13
00:00:24,624 --> 00:00:28,003
and the grand-daddy of them
all, the Founder's Week Parade.
14
00:00:28,061 --> 00:00:29,131
Don't wanna over-hype it,
15
00:00:29,229 --> 00:00:31,937
but our parade makes
the Rose Bowl Parade
16
00:00:31,998 --> 00:00:33,636
look like
a turds-on-wheels convention.
17
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:35,101
Let's do an exercise.
18
00:00:35,168 --> 00:00:37,512
April, what makes Pawnee
the best city in the world?
19
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:40,073
Easy. Most murders per capita.
20
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,142
The guillotine
was invented here.
21
00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:44,277
City Hall is run
by the walrus mafia.
22
00:00:44,344 --> 00:00:47,223
Donna, help me out.
What makes Pawnee so great?
23
00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:48,350
Cost of living is cheap.
24
00:00:48,415 --> 00:00:50,053
In about three years,
I will have saved enough
25
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:51,959
to pay off my
condo in Seattle.
26
00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:53,823
You have a condo in Seattle?
27
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,696
Yes, I like the rain
and the fish markets.
28
00:00:55,822 --> 00:00:57,165
LESLIE: Guys,
we need to focus.
29
00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,601
I want this to be the best
Founder's Week ever, okay?
30
00:00:59,659 --> 00:01:01,468
No more distractions.
31
00:01:01,594 --> 00:01:03,437
I'm bored.
32
00:01:03,496 --> 00:01:06,739
Let's go have sex in a tree.
He'll be back in eight minutes.
33
00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:08,607
Why did you have
to bring her here?
34
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:10,272
I don't really have any
power in this relationship.
35
00:01:10,336 --> 00:01:12,043
I'll think of
ideas in the tree.
36
00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:13,879
MONA-LISA: Anyone's welcome
to join us in the tree!
37
00:01:34,894 --> 00:01:36,237
Really?
38
00:01:37,297 --> 00:01:40,244
Okay. Thank you. Bye.
39
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:42,806
You Okay?
40
00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:45,004
Yeah, I'm fine.
41
00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:48,814
Good morning, colleagues,
co-workers, friends.
42
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:52,015
Everyone feeling normal...
Today?
43
00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:54,749
ANDY: Here's what happened. I left
my sweatshirt at Ron's cabin.
44
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:58,557
When I went back to get it,
I found this in the trash,
45
00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:00,256
positive pregnancy test.
46
00:02:00,887 --> 00:02:02,924
Side note, I accidentally
threw my sweatshirt away.
47
00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:04,559
That's why I was
digging through the trash.
48
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,169
Found that, too. Pretty cool.
49
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:08,069
So if my science is correct,
50
00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:11,370
one of the five women
who were at the cabin...
51
00:02:11,431 --> 00:02:16,005
Leslie, Donna,
Ann, Mona-Lisa, or April...
52
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,777
ls pregnant! Can't be April.
53
00:02:19,339 --> 00:02:22,650
She would've told me.
That leaves four suspects.
54
00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:25,552
There's only one
man for this job,
55
00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:28,592
Bert Macklin, FBI.
56
00:02:28,681 --> 00:02:30,183
They said I was retired.
57
00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:33,059
They said I was too dangerous for
the Pawnee Police Department.
58
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:34,661
Turns out they were right...
59
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,433
And wrong.
60
00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:39,900
Macklin, you son of a bitch.
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00:02:41,394 --> 00:02:43,931
Hello, fellow Pawneeans.
As you know,
62
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,806
the Founder's Week festivities
kick off tomorrow.
63
00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:47,173
Um, one small announcement.
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00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:49,213
Due to a tragic
misunderstanding,
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00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:51,215
the prettiest
pig beauty pageant
66
00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:54,548
has been replaced by a pork
rib barbecue competition.
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00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:56,510
Oh, no.
68
00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:59,523
But on to less grisly news,
thank you for participating
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00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,718
in our special
Founder's Week public forum
70
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,021
led by
Councilwoman Leslie Knope.
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00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:05,790
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
72
00:03:06,452 --> 00:03:09,592
LESLIE: Thanks to a lot of hard work and
some very dedicated civil servants,
73
00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:12,262
this has been
a banner year for our city.
74
00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:14,805
Obesity and diabetes are down.
75
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:18,035
Test scores are up. Pawnee
raccoon attacks have decreased.
76
00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:19,906
People can now
suddenly feel safe
77
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,808
in our parks, grocery stores,
and hospitals.
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00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,007
I am very proud of
what we've accomplished.
79
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:28,309
In fact, this forum is
kind of my victory lap.
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00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:31,187
I am here today to
ask you one question.
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00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:35,359
Are you better off now
than you were a year ago?
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00:03:35,582 --> 00:03:36,959
Who'd like to start? Uh-oh.
83
00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:40,298
Kathryn Pinewood,
Pawnee Restaurant Association.
84
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,357
This town is not better off.
85
00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:44,368
This past year
has been a disaster,
86
00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:46,436
and this government
is hell-bent
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00:03:46,492 --> 00:03:50,201
on stripping away our most
basic personal freedoms.
88
00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:51,639
Okay, counterpoint.
89
00:03:51,698 --> 00:03:54,804
Ms. Pinewood, I've never
stripped away anyone's freedoms.
90
00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:56,608
I simply stopped a restaurant
91
00:03:56,669 --> 00:04:00,674
from serving an insane SOD-ounce
soda to its customers,
92
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,445
which only made our
citizens healthier.
93
00:04:02,508 --> 00:04:06,217
And frankly, I don't see any of those
citizens standing up and complaining...
94
00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:08,054
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
95
00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:09,457
Okay. Now, I see them.
96
00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:12,587
Whoa, Darren!
Slow down!
97
00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:15,326
That sweat suit's not for sweating in, okay?
This is crushed velvet.
98
00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:17,561
If you go at more than a brisk
walk, it will fall apart.
99
00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:20,070
This looks dope.
Let's pay for it.
100
00:04:20,126 --> 00:04:21,833
TQM'. Business is booming.
101
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:23,997
If it keeps up like this, I would
leave the Parks Department
102
00:04:24,063 --> 00:04:27,010
and do Rent A Swag full-time,
maybe even expand.
103
00:04:27,066 --> 00:04:29,637
I could add a baby section over
there, call it Li'l Swaggers.
104
00:04:29,702 --> 00:04:31,978
I could add some old people
stuff, call it Rent A Sag.
105
00:04:32,038 --> 00:04:34,075
Ugh, no.
Old people are gross.
106
00:04:34,907 --> 00:04:36,443
Oh, nice.
107
00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:38,853
Hey, dingdong!
Can I go home?
108
00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:42,791
My tum-tum feels gross,
and also, I hate working.
109
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,729
I guess, but find someone
to cover for you, okay?
110
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:47,856
'Cause we're really busy right now.
(LAUGHS)
111
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:50,332
Also, a lawyer guy
called you.
112
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:54,839
He sounded really sexy on the
phone, and I was very into that.
113
00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:57,135
Like, I was, like,
very into that.
114
00:04:57,196 --> 00:04:58,675
All right, let's set
up some boundaries
115
00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,300
on what's cool for
you to say to me, okay?
116
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:01,811
Okay. I frenched
my cousin one time.
117
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:03,413
That's gross.
118
00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:04,846
I might still be
in love with him.
119
00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:05,905
Please leave.
120
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,040
All right, bye.
121
00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:11,051
Tom Haverford,
my name is Trevor Nelsson.
122
00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:14,091
I represent a client who would
like to make you an offer.
123
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:17,128
Babyface heard my demo?
I will accept a record deal.
124
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,361
No, you deeply misunderstand.
125
00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:21,865
My client has taken an
interest in Rent A Swag.
126
00:05:21,921 --> 00:05:24,060
He'd like to know
if you are looking
127
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:26,363
to sell a controlling
interest in the store. Whoa.
128
00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:28,372
Diddy wants to
buy Rent A Swag?
129
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:29,532
Not what I said.
130
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:30,800
This is a lot to process.
131
00:05:30,863 --> 00:05:33,503
Will Diddy be
coming to the meeting?
132
00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:35,738
I'm not at liberty to
tell you who my client is.
133
00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:37,973
It would violate
confidentiality.
134
00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:39,209
I understand.
135
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,511
It's not Diddy.
136
00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:41,779
Got it.
137
00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:47,113
(KNOCK ON WINDOW)
138
00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:53,189
Oh.
Hello, Ann.
139
00:05:53,252 --> 00:05:55,163
Oh, boy.
What do you want, Macklin?
140
00:05:55,221 --> 00:05:57,497
Me? Just observing.
141
00:05:57,557 --> 00:05:59,696
A little something they
taught us down at Quantico.
142
00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:01,966
Well, I guess I'll
get out of your hair.
143
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:04,302
Wait, there is just
one more question.
144
00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:05,635
Congratulations.
145
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:06,903
Is that a question?
146
00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:09,207
It's an accusation,
'cause I know your secret.
147
00:06:10,169 --> 00:06:11,307
You're pregnant.
148
00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:12,609
What? I'm not pregnant.
149
00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:16,278
You're not? Damn it. Who is? 'Cause I
found this at Ron Swanson's cabin.
150
00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:17,787
It's a pregnancy test.
Oh, my God.
151
00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:21,291
Someone we know is pregnant? I'm trying
to get pregnant. That's not fair.
152
00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:23,691
I mean, great,
and happy for them,
153
00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,194
and congratulations, whatever,
but, ooh, no! Boo!
154
00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:27,424
We have to find
out who this is.
155
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:30,661
Whoa, I don't think so.
Bert Macklin works alone.
156
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,964
I will buy lunch. You can have
as many burgers as you want.
157
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:34,537
Welcome to the FBI.
158
00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:39,542
Ms. Pinewood, Leslie's public health
initiative has been a huge success.
159
00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:42,079
Pawnee is no longer the fourth
most obese city in America.
160
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,375
We're now ninth.
161
00:06:43,469 --> 00:06:44,470
CHRIS: Together, as a town,
162
00:06:44,537 --> 00:06:47,711
we lost an amount of weight
equal to 800 pregnant manatees.
163
00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:50,152
A gym opened,
and it stayed in business.
164
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,120
And people
checking into the ER
165
00:06:52,178 --> 00:06:55,091
after ingesting a whole
candy wrapper is down 40%.
166
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,593
But where
will it end?
167
00:06:56,649 --> 00:06:58,595
Now, you wanna rob
our children of fun
168
00:06:58,651 --> 00:07:01,257
by attacking the Sweetums
School Lunch Program,
169
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,493
literally taking
candy from babies.
170
00:07:03,556 --> 00:07:05,729
Those school lunches
are incredibly unhealthy.
171
00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:09,171
You somehow convinced the school
board that napkins are a vegetable.
172
00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:10,639
They're made
from plants.
173
00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:13,404
Stop restricting
our freedoms.
174
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:14,603
WOMAN: Yeah!
175
00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:15,907
(AUDIENCE AGREEING)
176
00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:21,848
My name is Dewey
from Sanitation.
177
00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:25,253
Ever since you stripped us of our
freedoms by making us hire women,
178
00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:28,520
we've had to turn one of our
bathrooms into a woman's bathroom.
179
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:30,093
We only have
one bathroom now.
180
00:07:30,149 --> 00:07:31,253
I'm so sorry, Dewey.
181
00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:33,319
That sounds like
a horrible price to pay
182
00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:35,332
for something as
trivial as gender equality.
183
00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:36,695
So you agree.
184
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:39,167
Bjorn Lerpiss of
the Pawnee Lerpiss family.
185
00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:42,570
There was supposed to be a Paunch
Burger in this lot next to my house.
186
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,665
And then, you stripped my freedom
by putting a park there.
187
00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:46,175
Now, if I wanna
start my day off
188
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,744
with a triple-decker
pancake breakfast pizza,
189
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:49,278
I gotta go to the one
that's 10 minutes away,
190
00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:51,178
and that makes me 20 minutes
late to work every day.
191
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:52,408
I work at home.
192
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,281
Have you ever considered
not eating that for breakfast?
193
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:56,183
I'll never consider that.
194
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,687
This feels strangely personal.
195
00:07:58,744 --> 00:08:00,883
Maybe it's because
they're all standing up
196
00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:03,152
saying how much they
hate me as a person.
197
00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:06,521
How many people am
I talking to, Donna?
198
00:08:06,586 --> 00:08:08,623
One or one and a ninth?
199
00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:10,563
Are you asking me
if I'm pregnant?
200
00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:13,068
Oh, interesting.
201
00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:16,470
I don't remember saying anything
about anyone being pregnant.
202
00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:18,838
Are you sure it's not you?
203
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:21,037
I'm a grown woman with a
good head on her shoulders.
204
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,909
Don't worry about me.
205
00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:26,610
Whoo! This case just
got interesting.
206
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,516
Well, not just. It was pretty
interesting to begin with.
207
00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:33,250
This case just
remained interesting.
208
00:08:34,046 --> 00:08:35,650
Listen, my wife
and I do not feel
209
00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:37,419
that we're better
off than a year ago
210
00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:40,589
because a year ago, this town
was not a horrifying sex den
211
00:08:40,653 --> 00:08:41,927
where people could
put their body parts
212
00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:43,228
anywhere they
want with impunity.
213
00:08:43,422 --> 00:08:47,063
And then, you were elected. And now,
this town is a horrifying sex den
214
00:08:47,126 --> 00:08:48,605
where people can
put their body parts
215
00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:51,039
anywhere they want to with impunity.
Yeah.
216
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:52,576
If you are referring
to my fight
217
00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:55,408
to teach comprehensive
sex education,
218
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:57,778
you need to at least
acknowledge the fact
219
00:08:57,837 --> 00:09:00,078
that STDs are down
14% from last year.
220
00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,779
And deviant behavior in Pawnee
is up a billion percent!
221
00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:03,946
No, it's... No, it's...
222
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:07,116
This town is going to hell in a
Gucci knock-off handbag, girl.
223
00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:09,557
(CROWD CHEERING)
See? See?
224
00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:11,253
They agree. Come on.
225
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,725
I am definitely better off
than I was a year ago,
226
00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:15,424
and it's all thanks
to Leslie Knope.
227
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:18,025
This woman single-handedly
saved my business.
228
00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:20,229
Thank you, Dennis.
There you go, perfect example.
229
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:21,670
No need for further
questions on that one.
230
00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:24,503
Oh, I'm sorry.
What is your business, sir?
231
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,441
Oh, I run a pornographic
DVD emporium.
232
00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:30,103
Well, it used to be a quaint,
little movie rental place
233
00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:31,580
with a lot of community value.
234
00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:32,638
Oh, It's much better now.
235
00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:33,773
MAN: Yeah!
236
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:37,114
Leslie is the best.
237
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,483
No, no, Brandi.
238
00:09:38,544 --> 00:09:39,579
Hello, everyone.
239
00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:40,851
I'm Brandi Maxxxx...
240
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:42,186
ALL: Hi, Brandi.
241
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:45,559
Star of such films as The
Incredible Burt Wonderbone,
242
00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:48,292
A Good Guy to Lay Hard,
and Argo.
243
00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:53,260
I had a small part in Argo as well
as the porn version, Our Goo.
244
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:55,670
I've seen the first 90
seconds. It's thrilling.
245
00:09:55,728 --> 00:09:57,332
BRANDI: If it weren't
for Leslie Knope,
246
00:09:57,396 --> 00:10:00,377
there would be far, far less
pornography in this town.
247
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,380
No, what happened was
there was a misunderstanding,
248
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,438
and I accidentally
got the government involved
249
00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:08,610
in an unseemly business, but I cleared
that up, and everything's fine.
250
00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:11,917
It's not like I'm some kind of
sex-crazed maniac or something.
251
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:13,480
Leslie, are you pregnant?
252
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,957
Did you or did you not leave
253
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:17,016
this positive pregnancy test
in a dumpster in the woods?
254
00:10:18,818 --> 00:10:19,819
Hey, everybody.
255
00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:24,328
No.
Really?
256
00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:26,370
Okay. Well,
I'll get out of your hair.
257
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:27,836
Sorry to interrupt.
258
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,337
ANDY: (WHISPERING)
Was that Brandi Maxxxx?
259
00:10:30,763 --> 00:10:34,905
Investors, I have some very
exciting news about Rent A Swag.
260
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,208
Someone, I'm not saying Diddy,
261
00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:39,112
but I'm not not saying Diddy,
262
00:10:39,171 --> 00:10:42,948
has offered to buy out Rent A
Swag for a buttload of money.
263
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:44,386
How big a buttload, son?
264
00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:47,720
We would all basically
double our investments.
265
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,283
Are you kidding me?
Sell, baby.
266
00:10:50,349 --> 00:10:51,692
Imagine the kind of
treat-yourself day
267
00:10:51,751 --> 00:10:53,025
we could have
with the profits.
268
00:10:53,119 --> 00:10:56,760
I'm talking pedicures
on pedicures on pedicures.
269
00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:57,892
That is appealing.
270
00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,697
If someone is interested
in buying you out,
271
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:01,566
it means you're
doing something right.
272
00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:05,131
I say you continue to grow,
accumulate power, find this investor,
273
00:11:05,197 --> 00:11:07,507
and buy his business
to teach him a lesson.
274
00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:08,968
April, what do you think?
275
00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:10,105
I thought about this a lot.
276
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:13,013
I actually think that you should
get a Hello Kitty tattoo.
277
00:11:13,072 --> 00:11:14,642
No, with the store.
278
00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:16,584
Oh, uh, burn it for
the insurance money.
279
00:11:16,809 --> 00:11:18,482
Tom, listen to me, if there's
one thing I've learned...
280
00:11:18,544 --> 00:11:20,114
God, nobody cares, Jerry.
Enough.
281
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,317
Thank you.
282
00:11:21,447 --> 00:11:22,619
I miss you guys.
283
00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:27,529
What a wonderful event. Everyone
is having fun. This is great.
284
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,657
(SIGHS) Chris,
could you just please...
285
00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:31,497
I'm sorry, I was just
trying to cheer you up.
286
00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:32,865
Just hang in there.
Thanks.
287
00:11:32,925 --> 00:11:36,099
All right, if you'll excuse me, I found
out this morning that I am playing
288
00:11:36,162 --> 00:11:38,506
a special role
in this parade.
289
00:11:38,564 --> 00:11:39,941
No spoilers.
290
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:42,874
Honey, I hate
to state the obvious,
291
00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:44,709
but you chose
a life in politics.
292
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:46,306
I mean, the more you
actually accomplish,
293
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,942
the more heat
you're gonna draw.
294
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,110
Yeah, I know.
295
00:11:49,241 --> 00:11:50,345
Let's go watch
the parade.
296
00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:51,615
You know you
can't resist a parade.
297
00:11:51,744 --> 00:11:52,984
That's true.
298
00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:54,490
Parades and your butt,
299
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,855
my two vices.
There you go.
300
00:11:55,915 --> 00:11:57,451
Whoa. What are you doing?
(LAUGHS)
301
00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:00,193
My assistant has something
she'd like to show you.
302
00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:01,253
Partner.
303
00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:04,801
Oh, my assistant has something
she'd like to show you, partner.
304
00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:06,964
It's a positive
pregnancy test, Tom.
305
00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:08,300
I found it outside
of Ron's cabin
306
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:09,600
after our
brainstorming session.
307
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:12,609
Is there any possibility
Mona-Lisa could be pregnant?
308
00:12:13,099 --> 00:12:14,942
We always use protection...
309
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,378
(SIGHS) But I'm pretty positive
she pokes holes in them.
310
00:12:17,436 --> 00:12:18,915
What brand
pregnancy test is it?
311
00:12:18,971 --> 00:12:20,348
It's called
Womb There It ls.
312
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:21,850
That's her brand.
313
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:24,880
I'm gonna be a dad?
314
00:12:24,944 --> 00:12:27,754
I'm gonna have a baby
with Jean-Ralphio's sister?
315
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:31,327
Oh, God. What have I done?
Like, to humanity?
316
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,695
(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)
317
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,824
(CROWD CHEERING)
318
00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:40,226
This is the perfect thing to
take my mind off of yesterday.
319
00:12:40,292 --> 00:12:43,535
I am going to pretend
that this is my victory parade
320
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,701
and the town is celebrating
my hard work and dedication.
321
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:46,766
There you go.
(LAUGHS)
322
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:49,438
Leslie, Leslie. I'm so sorry.
I need to talk to you.
323
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:52,142
What are... What?
324
00:12:52,204 --> 00:12:53,444
I'm the Nipple King.
325
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:55,452
Kernston's Rubber
Nipple Company
326
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,010
elects a Nipple King
and a Nipple Queen
327
00:12:57,143 --> 00:12:58,645
every year to
ride on the float.
328
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,588
Congratulations, Chris.
Thank you.
329
00:13:00,646 --> 00:13:01,681
It's such an amazing honor.
330
00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:02,748
It's wonderful.
331
00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:05,489
But I do need to talk to you about
a float that is in this parade,
332
00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:06,689
because I'm not sure
that you're going to be...
333
00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:08,698
LESLIE: (ON RECORDING)
No fun for you! Uh-oh.
334
00:13:08,754 --> 00:13:10,290
No fun for you!
335
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,199
LESLIE: Is that me?
336
00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:13,328
BEN: Maybe it's not you.
337
00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:15,303
Maybe it's Kate Upton.
Aw, thank you.
338
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,864
No, it's me, and damn them.
No fun for you!
339
00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:21,104
Hey! Hey, stop, please!
340
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:22,737
Stop! Excuse me, Pawnee.
341
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,510
I'm sorry, I don't mean to
stop your parade or anything,
342
00:13:25,571 --> 00:13:27,676
but I just have to say
something here, okay?
343
00:13:27,773 --> 00:13:29,377
I don't think
this is very fair!
344
00:13:29,508 --> 00:13:31,146
Babe, stop wagging
your finger.
345
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:33,053
Certain people are
lashing out at me
346
00:13:33,179 --> 00:13:35,056
because of things
that I did this year.
347
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,788
But I am not trying to
stop you from having fun.
348
00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:39,295
I am an extremely fun person.
349
00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:45,768
This float represents a group of over
300 business owners, individuals,
350
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:50,740
and community leaders who are protesting
unfair government regulation.
351
00:13:50,796 --> 00:13:54,744
We are the Committee
to Recall Leslie Knope.
352
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,508
Let's kick her out of office.
353
00:13:57,603 --> 00:13:59,514
Recall Knope!
354
00:13:59,738 --> 00:14:01,740
ALL: (CHANTING)
Recall Knope!
355
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,514
Recall Knope!
356
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:04,850
Recall Knope!
357
00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:06,285
Legalize weed!
358
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,582
Recall Knope!
359
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:12,823
So, I need to
ask you something
360
00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:14,693
and I kinda wish
Jean-Ralphio wasn't here.
361
00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:17,901
Please tell me that
you're dumping my sister,
362
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,870
(LAUGHING) because I will laugh.
I will laugh so much.
363
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:22,667
Actually,
it may be the opposite.
364
00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:24,473
Is this yours?
365
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,008
No, no.
366
00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:31,078
Yeah. It's mine.
367
00:14:32,004 --> 00:14:33,176
I'm pregnant.
368
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:34,377
JEAN-RALPHIO:
Lemony Snicket.
369
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,420
Oh, my God, are you serious?
370
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,852
I'm gonna be an uncle? Is that a real thing?
Is that gonna happen?
371
00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:41,187
No, no, that's too much
responsibility for me.
372
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:42,849
I gotta find another
way out of this.
373
00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:44,622
Well, I wish you told me.
374
00:14:44,683 --> 00:14:46,754
I mean, obviously, we need
to talk about our future.
375
00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:48,992
Maybe I could sell the business,
and we could use the profits
376
00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:50,897
to put a down payment on a house
or something, or... Mmm-hmm.
377
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:52,765
Psych!
What?
378
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,361
(BOTH LAUGHING)
379
00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:57,870
Look at your stupid face.
380
00:14:57,930 --> 00:14:59,102
JEAN-RALPHIO:
You had a dumdum face.
381
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,437
MONA-LISA:
That was hilarious.
382
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:03,480
(SINGING)
Oh, that was hilarious
383
00:15:03,535 --> 00:15:07,005
That's hilarious
384
00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:09,186
So you're not pregnant?
This isn't yours?
385
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,311
(BLEEP) no!
386
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:16,122
Do you know how many different pills
I take, birth control or otherwise?
387
00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:18,991
There is no way that I could be
pregnant with a human baby. Uh-uh.
388
00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:20,894
Thank God. Yes!
389
00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:22,830
Tommy has his life back!
Let's go!
390
00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:25,664
What the hell is wrong with you, man?
That's my sister.
391
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:30,264
Nah! I'm just kidding, man. She's the worst.
You dodged a bullet, baby.
392
00:15:30,329 --> 00:15:31,967
Congratulations.
TOM: Thanks.
393
00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:33,032
MONA-LISA:
Bad, bad, bad.
394
00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:35,169
Well, Macklin,
it's not Mona-Lisa.
395
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:37,345
It's not me, it's not Donna,
it's not Leslie.
396
00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:39,110
There was only one other
woman at that cabin.
397
00:15:39,171 --> 00:15:40,809
April?
No, she would've told me.
398
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,875
Besides,
the math doesn't add up
399
00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:45,010
because we only have
sex every single day.
400
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:48,250
And since she's the only one
that we haven't talked to,
401
00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:50,055
it has to be hers.
402
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,060
Oh, my God.
403
00:15:52,484 --> 00:15:54,225
(CUTLERY SCRAPING ON PLATE)
404
00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:58,197
I don't like
seeing you like this.
405
00:15:58,257 --> 00:15:59,759
I've never felt
this way before.
406
00:15:59,858 --> 00:16:01,132
Maybe I should just quit.
407
00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:04,197
Maybe we should both quit, and
we should move to the Bahamas,
408
00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:07,733
live on a beach, catch
fish with homemade spears.
409
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,007
Yeah, you'd last about
30 seconds without work.
410
00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:11,509
When we went to Hawaii,
411
00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:13,379
you woke me up at 3:00 a.m.
to watch Meet the Press.
412
00:16:13,439 --> 00:16:17,387
Well, it was Elizabeth Warren. Like,
I'm not going to watch that live?
413
00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:19,150
Look, you can hate
your job sometimes.
414
00:16:19,278 --> 00:16:21,019
It's allowed. But let
me ask you this.
415
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,492
Do you think this town is better
off than it was a year ago?
416
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:24,550
Yes.
417
00:16:24,616 --> 00:16:26,493
Do you stand behind
everything you've done?
418
00:16:26,552 --> 00:16:28,395
Yes.
Then screw 'em.
419
00:16:29,888 --> 00:16:33,495
But even if I wanted to fight
this recall, how would I do it?
420
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,335
Thank you all for coming.
421
00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:37,999
As most of you probably know,
422
00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:40,441
there is a large committee
that has announced plans
423
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:41,978
to recall me from office.
424
00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:44,014
My response to them is this...
425
00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:49,417
Bring it on. Step up.
Step Up 2: The Streets.
426
00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:51,421
I'm sorry,
my adrenaline is pumping,
427
00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:53,523
so all I can think of
is dance movie titles.
428
00:16:53,645 --> 00:16:55,352
Stomp the Yard. There's one.
429
00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:58,486
Look, I work very hard for
this town, as hard as I can,
430
00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:00,587
and all that matters
to me is whether or not
431
00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:03,223
everyone here thinks
that they are better off now
432
00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:04,892
than they were a year ago.
433
00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:06,061
I think you are.
434
00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:08,264
If you disagree with me,
then go ahead and recall me.
435
00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:10,466
Go crazy. You Got Served.
436
00:17:10,729 --> 00:17:12,970
Silver Linings Playbook,
kind of.
437
00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:14,476
The committee says
they plan to push
438
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,011
for a recall vote
within two months.
439
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:17,604
Do you have a comment on that?
Nope.
440
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:20,650
Again, all I really care about
is are you better off?
441
00:17:21,006 --> 00:17:22,644
I think I'm better off.
442
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:24,187
I haven't had
a date in a while,
443
00:17:24,309 --> 00:17:25,788
but I'm learning
a lot about me.
444
00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:27,187
Well, l wasn't
asking you specifically,
445
00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:28,689
but I'm happy to
hear that, Shauna.
446
00:17:28,747 --> 00:17:32,695
So, in conclusion, recall, shmecall.
(CHUCKLES)
447
00:17:32,751 --> 00:17:34,890
No, I can't end my
big press conference by
448
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:37,159
saying "recall, shmecall."
That's ridiculous.
449
00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:38,462
Ben, can you help me out here?
450
00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:40,834
That concludes Councilwoman
Knope's press conference.
451
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,634
And if you have any
further questions...
452
00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:43,695
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
453
00:17:43,762 --> 00:17:46,743
Hold on to them, because she
has a lot of work to do.
454
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,369
Thanks, honey. Honey.
455
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:50,641
That's another dance movie
with Jessica Alba.
456
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:53,944
LESLIE: All right, people.
457
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,815
The Pawnee River's
not gonna clean itself.
458
00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:58,354
Volunteer weekend
task force, mobilize.
459
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,788
Oh, Leslie,
this goes without saying,
460
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,325
but if you need any
speeches or testimonials
461
00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,191
or just general enthusiasm
for your recall fight,
462
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:06,251
I'm your man.
463
00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:07,557
Thank you, Chris.
You're welcome.
464
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:08,927
I'll see you at the river.
Oh, oh, oh!
465
00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:11,092
Last one to pick
up 100 rusty cans
466
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:13,362
has still accomplished
a great deal.
467
00:18:14,059 --> 00:18:16,767
Hey, maybe after, you wanna come
meet me and Chris for a drink?
468
00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:18,806
Sure. Hey, how's it
going with you guys?
469
00:18:18,864 --> 00:18:21,902
We're great, actually,
and we're having a good time.
470
00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:23,503
Sex is ridiculous.
Mmm-hmm.
471
00:18:23,569 --> 00:18:26,049
Hopefully, that ridiculous sex
will lead to a baby.
472
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,745
(SIGHS) I'm so happy for you.
Just remember to use protection.
473
00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:30,844
Wait, no, don't. That
would defeat the purpose.
474
00:18:30,909 --> 00:18:32,320
Okay, no. Do your thing.
475
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,353
(LAUGHING) Yeah!
476
00:18:36,415 --> 00:18:37,951
My wife is pregnant!
477
00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:39,619
Okay, put me down.
478
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:40,755
Hey, you can't
keep it from me.
479
00:18:40,819 --> 00:18:41,820
I found
the pregnancy test, honey.
480
00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:45,027
Andy, I'm not pregnant, okay? And if
I were, you shouldn't lift me up.
481
00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:46,926
Wait, are you sure you're not?
482
00:18:46,992 --> 00:18:49,700
Yeah. We've talked
about this. Remember?
483
00:18:49,828 --> 00:18:51,171
I wanna wait until we're 50
484
00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:53,767
and then adopt a set of creepy
adult twins from Romania.
485
00:18:53,932 --> 00:18:55,070
Yeah. Of course.
486
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:57,144
Actually, there is something
I need to tell you.
487
00:18:57,202 --> 00:18:59,148
(GASPS) You're pregnant.
488
00:18:59,204 --> 00:19:00,478
No.
No!
489
00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:02,246
We just ruled that out.
490
00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:04,184
Dang it.
Okay, a while ago,
491
00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:06,416
I applied to veterinary school
in Bloomington,
492
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:08,480
and I just found out that...
493
00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:10,026
l got in.
494
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:12,528
You did? That's amazing!
495
00:19:12,584 --> 00:19:14,154
Wait, why did you
wait to tell me?
496
00:19:14,219 --> 00:19:16,859
Because I don't even know
if I wanna go, okay?
497
00:19:16,922 --> 00:19:19,163
I mean, yes, it's been my
dream to work with animals
498
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:21,363
since I was a kid
and everything.
499
00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:23,168
But it would mean
I would be spending
500
00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:24,638
a lot of time apart
from you, and... Oh.
501
00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:26,369
We could get through that.
502
00:19:26,565 --> 00:19:28,806
I mean, look.
It would suck for awhile,
503
00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:31,210
and I would miss
you while you're gone.
504
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:35,514
But as I've known about you
for the past 20 seconds,
505
00:19:35,641 --> 00:19:37,382
this is your dream.
506
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,754
I'm really glad
I married you.
507
00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:42,722
Yeah, we made
a good call on that one.
508
00:19:43,715 --> 00:19:45,388
So I just wanted
to let you know
509
00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:47,088
I will not be
selling Rent A Swag.
510
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:51,567
And you can go tell your client
he now has 100 problems?
511
00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:53,500
Is it Jay-Z?
No.
512
00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:54,765
But since you're
not taking the deal,
513
00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:57,500
I should inform you that my client
will be moving on to plan B.
514
00:19:57,563 --> 00:20:00,066
Opening his own store directly
across the street from yours.
515
00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:02,236
Across the street? What kind
of store is it gonna be?
516
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:03,938
He's calling it
Tommy's Closet.
517
00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:07,074
It's a high-end secondhand clothing
store where parents can rent clothes
518
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:09,016
for their teens,
tweens, and pres,
519
00:20:09,074 --> 00:20:12,055
as well as babies, toddlers,
grown-ups, and olds.
520
00:20:12,110 --> 00:20:13,851
But that's my
idea and my name.
521
00:20:13,912 --> 00:20:16,324
So I guess only Domino's
is allowed to sell pizza now?
522
00:20:16,415 --> 00:20:18,361
It's called capitalism,
Mr. Haverford,
523
00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:20,429
and you are about
to get a free lesson.
524
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:23,393
Only this free lesson
is going to cost you.
525
00:20:24,022 --> 00:20:25,968
So it's not free?
526
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:29,270
You're right.
That was confusing.
527
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:32,067
This lesson will cost you.
Good day.
528
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:36,178
This sucks, but I have to admit,
it's a pretty baller move.
529
00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:38,246
You sure this isn't Diddy?
530
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:42,885
It is Diddy.
I knew it!
531
00:20:42,941 --> 00:20:44,420
It's not Diddy.
532
00:20:46,712 --> 00:20:49,955
Are you sure everything will be all
right if April goes to vet school?
533
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:52,291
There are no sure
things in life, son,
534
00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:54,693
but you two seem
pretty solid to me.
535
00:20:54,786 --> 00:20:56,197
Change is good, I guess.
536
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:57,766
Not to me.
537
00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:59,598
Leslie's going
around asking everybody
538
00:20:59,725 --> 00:21:01,534
if they're better off
than they were a year ago.
539
00:21:02,027 --> 00:21:04,064
All I care about is
that I'm the same.
540
00:21:04,463 --> 00:21:07,103
If I'm the same as I
was a year ago, I'm happy.
541
00:21:07,232 --> 00:21:08,336
Wait, I forgot.
542
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:10,611
Who the hell is pregnant?
What?
543
00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:12,171
I found a pregnancy
test at your cabin,
544
00:21:12,304 --> 00:21:13,840
I checked with all
the girls that were there.
545
00:21:13,905 --> 00:21:15,350
It wasn't any of them.
546
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:18,577
Hello, darling.
What a surprise.
547
00:21:18,644 --> 00:21:22,091
Hey. Can we talk?
Maybe in private?
548
00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:25,154
(GASPS)
42508
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