All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E18 - Animal Control (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Welcome to Animal Control.
Let me show you around.

Those are some chairs.
That's a cat or possum.

Oh, this is a napkin where I wrote
down a cool name for a dog.

Bark Obama.

BRETT: Right?

Is that...
What's happening here?

BRETT: Oh, yo. Yeah.
We found this bird outside.

We tried to turn it
into a work whistle,

like in the beginning
of The Flintstones.

Tougher than it looked,
though.

We have a massive
pest problem in this town,

and it's because
the Animal Control Department

has been disaster,
at catching animals.

They're great at ingesting
and selling marijuana.

This place is a miserable suck
hole run by two pot-head losers.

It's completely
and utterly mismanaged.

Thanks!

It does seem
to be very poorly run,

but we've only been
here for two minutes.

There may be a method
to their madness.

There's more than one way to skin a cat.
BRETT: Four.

There's four ways to skin a cat.
(TRAP SNAPS)

Regular blade...
Ow, ow!

Ow, what is this?

Coyote trap, dude.

Ah, this hurts!

Yeah, we got
a huge vermin problem.

I mean, we've been meaning
to call somebody about it,

but nobody
get on the phone.

You're the people
you would be calling.

(LAUGHS)
That is so trippy.

Ow! You're fired! You're fired!
The whole department is fired.

Ow! This hurts! This was
one of my running feet!

Yo, let's go to Jamaica.

No, we should
go to Jamaica.

Oh, is that what you said?
Yeah, dawg.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Ron, you've been
sweating in here all day.

Are you drinking
any fluids?

Yes, plenty.

No, you need
to drink water.

Usually, I take it neat,

but I will make an exception
in the name of health.

Last night, I watched a movie
with Diane and the girls

in which an orange fish
is separated from his father.

The children
were sniffling,

which I believed to be due to
the sad nature of the film.

I was wrong.

You need to take
off those layers,

rehydrate,
and go to the doctor.

Thank you for your concern,
I will be fine.

Please turn the thermostat up
to 90 and leave me alone.

Ron, this isn't safe.

I am a grown man.

I have had a cold before,
I need no help,

so if you don't mind...

That seems about right.

TOM: Okay, pop quiz.

Name the scent.

Uh, Spasm.
No, Butter Face!

Very good!
Yes!

I'm trying to get
more big companies

to donate to
the Sweetums Foundation,

and Tom got us a meeting
with Dennis Feinstein,

Pawnee's premiere manufacturer
of perfumes and cologne.

(SNIFFS)

(HUFFS)

Oh!

Or possibly, insecticide.
(EXHALES)

Dennis Feinstein belongs
to a new generation of wealth.

Rappers, Tech geniuses,
X Games medalists,

and, of course,
scent artists.

The man owns
a Rolexus.

It's a Lexus
filled with Rolexes.

What's the point of that?

To have it, which he does.

Okay, I'll lay out
the benefits of donating.

Tom will flatter and
schmooze as only Tom can.

Andy, you know, this is just
a learning experience for you,

so you just watch
and listen.

TOM: I had to pull a lot of
strings to get this meeting,

so please,
no one embarrass me.

Ben, put on
something decent, like a tux.

Andy, you're hopeless,
just take a shower.

I already took what
I call a "Dwyer Shower."

I rubbed my armpits
with air fresheners.

(SNIFFS)

New car.

Animal control has
long been a repository

for some of this government's
most incompetent employees.

Jerry Gergich
got his start there.

Well...
All right, well.

Yeah, so our new director needs
to be competent, effective,

and not completely
stoned all the time.

JAMM: I'm way ahead
of you there, girly.

I got the perfect guy.

Friend of mine, bit of an
alcoholic, a little grabby,

either a war hero
or a war criminal,

depending on who you ask,
but a good dude.

How do you know him?
I do his teeth.

A few coffee stains up front,
but his canines are insane.

Gosh, Jeremy,
he sounds perfect.

Are his gums great, too?
JAMM: Oh, yeah.

They are excellent,
beet red.

I was being sarcastic.

I think we should open this to
the floor for more discussion.

Uh, maybe you would like to
explain this to her, please?

Traditionally, Leslie,
the councilmen just

kind of take turns on
departmental appointments.

Yeah, this one is mine,
then Dexhart, then you.

This whole place
runs on dibs.

LESLIE:
Are you kidding me?

You guys are all
fine with this?

Well, Milton's asleep,
but the rest of you?

This is how departments
get mismanaged.

No. We are going
to be thorough.

I'm going to find a candidate, and I
encourage you all to do the same,

and then we will
interview all of them.

Boring!

"Boring" is my
middle name, so...

My thoroughly
vetted candidate

is going to blow your
candidate out of the water.

Oh. I guess I'm leaving. Good to see you.
Great meeting!

RON: I'd like to
object again

to being brought
here against my will.

Okay, I'm just gonna
double-check your form here.

Ron! You redacted
all the information.

I answered some of them.

For date of birth,
you wrote "springtime".

Which is true.

Everything you write
down is confidential.

We need you to
give real answers.

Fine.

How many drinks of alcohol
do you consume a week?

One.
That's it, one drink?

One shelf.

Do you exercise?
Yes.

Lovemaking
and woodworking.

Do you have any history of
mental illness in your family?

I have an uncle
who does yoga.

Allergies?

Cowardice and
weak-willed men.

And hazelnuts.

Sexual history.

Epic and private.

Okay. I'm gonna
go get your doctor.

He's a rude, brash jerk.
You'll love him.

I'm gonna cut
right to the chase.

I don't like charity.
I don't get it.

Feels to me like, I'm giving money
away and getting nothing in return.

Well, that's not true.

You can really help
your personal brand

if you show that you're a mogul
that gives as much as he gets.

If I give as much as I get,
I'm giving $20 million.

Aye, aye, aye.
(LAUGHS)

That's how much I'm worth,
$20 million.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(LAUGHS)

He's disgusting, but I want to take his
money and give it to needy people,

so I'm just gonna keep on smiling.
Yay! (LAUGHS)

People who give to charity,
they get amazing press.

Like Bill Gates. Have you
ever heard of Bill Gates?

He lives in Seattle, guy with glasses.
Bill Gates?

I know who Bill Gates is.

Bill Gates is,
like, a super nerd.

Is this some sort of nerd thing?
Are you calling me a nerd?

He meant Mark Cuban.

Cuban?

Now, that's the kind of guy I
can hang out with. Mark Cuban.

Yeah.
I'm interested now.

Keep talking.

APRIL: Stay still.

"Don't think about how much this
itches." That's very good advice.

I have to say,
this is the greatest

search committee
ever assembled

to find a new Animal
Control Department head.

Chris Traeger can
do more with one foot

than most people
can do with three.

I'm not going to lie to you.
I needed that.

I know.

April Ludgate is beautiful.
Stop.

You are talented.
No.

But most importantly, you're
passionate about animals.

That's true.
It's because I'm half wolf.

Okay, Donna, you took a
look at all the resumes,

so send in
the best candidate.

Wassup? I'm Harris.
I'm 33 years young.

I have my cousin Jason's
truck for two more weeks.

I have one testicle. Whac-A-Mole accident.
And I'm down to clown.

Harris, we know who you are.
I literally just fired you.

(LAUGHS) Is this that job?
That's crazy. Never mind.

Why would you think Harris
would be the best candidate?

'Cause he's one
of only two applicants

with actual experience
at animal control.

Uh-oh. Does that mean...

What up?
Yo, my name is Brett.

I like burgers. And also,
I'm very high right now.

Dude, this is hilarious!

Oh, yo!

(LAUGHING)

We live together!

Yo, we live
in the same place!

HARRIS: This is my boy!

Hey, Wyld Stallyns!

You guys know why there are
all those cops out there?

Where are the cops at?

I gotta go.
Yo.

A lot of charities waste
their money on overhead,

but we at
the Sweetums Foundation,

spend our money wisely.
Okay.

You know what? Shut up.
All right.

You guys seem like
pretty cool dudes,

and I'm feeling
pretty generous,

so why don't we take this conversation
to the Pawnee Smokehouse?

Dumb-Dumb Eddie, get the checkbook.
We're going out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, we're going out.
Let's scent up!

I call dibs on Ooze.

I got Money Shot.

Yeah.

I got Blood Spurt.

Ooh! No, don't use that one.

Eh, go ahead.

So why do you
want this job?

Well, I love cats,
and dogs sure are great.

Well, you have all
the qualifications.

You went
to a four-year college.

Actually, when I went there, it
was just a two-year college.

Wow, so you're not even technically
qualified to work at your current job.

Aw, jeez.

You're fired. Get out. CHRIS:
No, no, you're not fired,

but we're definitely going to
have to lower your salary.

Oh, well, fair's fair.
(LAUGHS)

I am very, very, very,
very frightened of animals.

This may not be
the job for you.

I know, but my therapist, Dr. Richard
Nygard, told me to confront my fears.

You see Dr. Richard Nygard?

I'm a Nygardian, too!

Would you sign my cast?
Yes,

but just please
don't give me this job.

The spaying and neutering tools,
do you think those fit humans?

Mmm-mmm. And is there a lock
on the spaying room door?

Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

Thank you so much
for coming in.

Thanks for having me.
LESLIE: Okay.

Hello, Orin. Thank you so
much for applying, now leave.

APRIL: Hey,
give him a chance.

What makes you qualified
for animal control?

(IN MONOTONOUS TONE) I
studied zoology in college,

and I can control
animals with my mind.

Get out.

I made you say that.

I liked him.

Well, that was a truly
depressing slate of candidates.

I think you've got
several options.

They're all terrible,
but you have them.

Before you begin,
a few ground rules.

I need you to explain everything
you do before you do it,

so I can determine whether
I will allow you... Oh.

(GROANS)

Balsa wood? You could
at least use mahogany.

(LAUGHING)

There's something
occluding your ear.

It's sawdust.
Just blow.

(ANN GASPS)

You've got strep throat. I'm writing
you a prescription for penicillin.

We'll have the rest
of your test results

in about 20 minutes.
Cholesterol...

Not interested. Good day.

Wish all patients
were like that.

It's really annoying
when they ask questions.

You know, they claim that
smoking is bad for you,

but is there any medical
evidence to back that up?

Great point.

So, the Sweetums Foundation has
really accomplished a lot recently.

Our health care
outreach program

has reduced pink eye in the
rural community by 30%...

...to 70%.

Snooze. You guys
ever been fox hunting?

I have my own foxes
flown in from Russia.

We drug them pretty heavily
so they can't get very far.

In fact, mostly, they just
flop around on the ground.

Makes it easier
to just walk up and...

Bow! (LAUGHS)

Stupid foxes.

It's deeply erotic.

That sounds amazing.

We should go
hunting sometime.

I'd love to. I could bust out my
Ralph Lauren Fall 2010 collection.

Copped it in 2012.
Clearance rack!

Wear whatever you want, as long as
it's not too bright or reflective.

You know, I want you blending
in to the surroundings.

How fast can you run?

I think that guy
wants to hunt me.

So, Dennis,
not to interrupt...

Then don't. Boom!
(LAUGHS)

Shut him right down!

I have heard
so much talking from you.

I don't want to hear your fat
mouth say anything else.

Boo. (LAUGHS)
BEN: Oh.

You're a dick.

Excuse me?

Andy... How dare you
talk to me like that?

Where are your manners?

You come to me
asking for money,

and you treat me like this?
I don't think so.

Wrap it up! We're done!

Hey! Show these
garbage people out!

Take the garbage out, Eddie.

Donna?

Gentlemen.

Mr. Palletta, what is
your occupation currently?

I run a children's break dancing
studio called D.J. Jazzy Vern's.

Do you have any
experience with animals?

A bat landed
on my face once.

Hey, you know what, he's not a rack
of ribs, so stop grilling him.

Nailed it.

Ribs are better
smoked than grilled,

so un-nailed it, with the
back part of the hammer.

How many more questions
are there gonna be?

Jamm said if I got my teeth
whitened, I'd just get the gig.

(MUMBLING)

Hold up, that's enough.
Thank you, you're done.

You did a heck
of a job, Vernie.

Thanks, Jimbo.

Not bad, right?

I mean,
if he can catch raccoons

as well as he can teach
six-year-olds to pop and lock,

he's a home run.

That is an
insane statement.

Well, I don't see
anyone better.

April,
I got a present for you.

I don't like lotion.

I like my hands to be cracked and
calloused like a railway worker.

I know. I filled the bottles with
fake blood, vinegar, and mud.

Really? Thanks.

On an unrelated note, do you
remember all those candidates

we were interviewing
for the Animal Control job

and how they were all total losers
who didn't care about animals?

Except for Jerry,
who was great,

but who we had to pass
on for other reasons.

I was just happy
to be considered.

Anyhoo, I nominated
you for the position,

and your confirmation hearing
is in three minutes.

Surprise.
No, I don't want the job.

You can have your
mud and blood back.

April, please, you will be so good at it.
You are so good with animals.

Even if I wanted the job,
I don't want to do

the stupid confirmation
hearing, okay?

Stupid councilmen asking me stupid
questions about my stupid life.

It seems stupid.
No, it's easy.

They'll just ask
you a few questions.

Let's practice.
What's your name?

Batman. See? I failed.

I will be there to help you, okay?
I will be your Pocahontas.

Climb into my papoose.
Please do this.

Please, please.
Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. You're gonna do it.
Okay.

Yes! Yay!

But only if you divorce Ben.

Hey, don't even
joke about that.

What? I really think
he's wrong for you.

We now resume
the confirmation proceedings

for director of
the Animal Control Department.

Okay. Let's tear this chick
a new one, shall we?

Ms. Ludgate,
we have found many e-mails

showing how you sexually harassed
Leslie Knope's assistant.

Andy? That's my husband.

They were still extremely graphic,
and appreciated by all of us.

I had never heard of several of
those terms, and I'm a freak.

Those are personal. No one's
allowed to read those.

You once posted a video of yourself
drinking alcohol in City Hall

while you were
still a minor.

How do you justify that?

Easily. Alcohol is
delicious and fun...

...damentally a substance
that should not be abused.

I agree, April.
Very good point.

Wow. Ms. Ludgate,
are you a ventriloquist?

I mean, that is amazing
how you make

your words come out
of Ms. Knope's mouth.

Would you like to
put her on your knee?

I mean,
that'd be really fun.

Just three years ago, you drove...
She's not ready.

Now, you've rushed
her into this,

and now Jamm's
sharpening the knives.

Leslie, no one needs
to be Jammed today.

Okay, all we need is some
kind of distraction.

Grab that gavel
and break your other foot.

I like the idea
of double the signings,

but I think the negatives
outweigh the positives.

Don't panic.
Maybe she can pull this off.

I guess my first move as
director would be to fill

your office, house,
and car with snakes,

and then train a crow
to fly up your butt.

Okay!
Let's take a brief recess.

Well, well, well.
Look who's back.

Thank you so much
for seeing us again, sir.

We just came to apologize.

Mr. Dennis Feinstein,
let me just say,

from the bottom
of my heart, my bad.

I just started working here, and
I really want to do a good job,

and I blew it.

Thank you for saying that.

Thought about it last night,

and I decided that
if you came in here

and apologized
to me like a man,

that I would forgive you,
and that's what you've done,

so you're forgiven.

To that end,

here is a check
for $25,000 for your charity.

(SIGHS)
Go out there

and help some kids
with their pink eye,

or whatever it is
you guys are doing.

Mr. Feinstein, thank you.
This is extremely generous.

It's nothing, really.
I'm happy to help.

This check is made out to
"Go (BLEEP) yourself."

In your face!

Dennis Feinstein
helps no man!

Get the hell
out of my office!

What's your problem? Why did
you make me apologize to him?

Guys. guys.
hold on a sec, okay?

Mr. Feinstein,
with all due respect,

you are a major dick.

DENNIS: What?
TOM: Run!

Eddie, get my crossbow.

ANDY: Crossbow?
What the...

You will pay for this!

Hey, you look better.

I guess actual medicine can be effective.
Who would've thunk?

Please leave me alone.

Not until we go over your test
results and your blood work.

Your blood pressure
looks fine.

I'm not sure how this is possible,
but your cholesterol is 120,

which is the lowest
I've ever seen.

What's cholesterol?

And the only problem I see
is that your potassium's low,

so just eat a banana
once in a while.

No, thank you.
I live the way I live,

I eat the things I eat,
and I'll die the way I'll die.

That's oddly beautiful,
but also stupid.

You're not alone
in the world anymore, Ron.

You're dating a woman
who has two kids.

So, every three days,

think about Ivy
and Zoe and Diane,

and eat a damn banana.

(GROANS)

lam so sorry, April.

You are doing terribly up
there, and it's all my fault.

It's not you, it's me.

Are you
breaking up with me?

I'm breaking up
with the idea

of you being director
of Animal Control.

I say we just withdraw your application
and let Vern become director.

He does have good teeth.
No!

All right,
I have an idea.

Trust me.

Ms. Ludgate, it is the
opinion of this committee

that you are terrible.

Can you give me
even one reason

why you're the right
man for this job?

No. But neither
is your guy.

Neither of us
should get the job.

Oh, no? Why is that?

There shouldn't be a separate
Animal Control Department.

Its budget is tiny,
and it's ineffective,

and frankly,
no one could change that.

So I think it should be absorbed
into the Parks Department.

That is a genius idea.

Somebody wake up Milton.
History is being made.

Iwo Jima!

Animal Control would be
way more effective

if it ran through
the Parks Department,

and if you want, I can write
up an official report

in language
simple enough for even

you dummies to understand.
Dummies.

Councilman, you have to admit that
that idea makes a lot of sense.

Hang on a second.
You seem to be forgetting

that I already told
Vern he got the job,

and he already
bought a new speedboat.

LESLIE: Well, I hope
he kept a receipt.

That was a brilliant idea
from a dark, tortured genius,

and I move that Animal Control
be absorbed into Parks and Rec.

I second that.

LESLIE: Yay!

Look at that, April.
You won over Jamm.

JAMM: Uh, no, she didn't.

I'm just sick of being
on the losing side.

I'm going to tell everyone
this was my idea.

Retro-Jammed.

What do we do now?

Can I apologize again? I'm getting
really good at apologizing.

Screw that. You should apologize
for apologizing to that guy.

God, we really could've
used the money, though.

Just wish we'd made
a bigger impression.

You did.
I was really impressed

by all the stuff the foundation's
done for all them poor homies.

So, you know what?

Rent-A-Swag is gonna
donate five cents

from every dollar
we make this month.

It's not Feinstein money,
but it'll help.

That's very generous, Tom.

Feinstein's the worst.

I hope he gets into an accident
driving that Rolex Mobile.

For the last time, it's a
Rolexus, and you can't drive it.

LESLIE: April,
I have a gift for you.

Ta-da.

At Leslie's suggestion,

I have made you
Deputy Director

of Animal Control within
the Parks Department.

You'll be amazing at it,
and the best part,

there is no
confirmation hearing.

How did you make
this plaque so quickly?

I had it made
your first week here.

I knew you'd be going places,
so I wanted to be prepared.

Can I hire an intern?
Not yet.

Can I hire a Mexican elf?
No.

Can I buy a child bride?
No.

Then how is this
even a promotion?

LESLIE: Government shouldn't
operate based on personal favors.

It should operate
based on good ideas.

April had the best idea,
and today the best idea won.

Leslie, I really have
to go to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

You don't have
to come in with me.

Oh, I wasn't going to.

CHRIS: Could you pick up
the pace a little bit?

LESLIE: Yes, Miss Daisy.

Night, Ron.

JERRY: Night, Ron.

(GROANS)

Ladies, ladies.

(GAGS)

(HUFFS)