All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E17 - Partridge (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

I'm looking for
Ronald Ulysses Swanson?

He stepped out.
Can I take a message?

Sure.

Tell him hejust won a free dinner from St.
Elmo Steak House.

(LAUGHS)

I'm Ron Swanson.

You've been served.
Have a nice day.

I don't like you.
But I respect the effort.

Oh, man. Subpoena?
Which ex-wife is it?

Tammy One or Tammy Two?

Neither.

Apparently,
Councilman Jeremy Jamm

is not pleased
that I punched him

in the face on the night of Leslie's wedding.
He is suing me.

$13,000 for orthodontic surgery.
$6,000 for enamel repair.

And $46 million
for psychological damages.

Oh, God. That seems
about accurate.

That guy is the worst.

We should sue Jamm's parents for
spawning a human turd-burger.

Ron. Hey.
Let me be your lawyer.

I'll object to everything anyone
says, trial will go on forever,

you don't have to pay,
problem solved.

That's a kind offer, Andrew, but
I won't be hiring an attorney.

I'll represent myself,

as I do in all legal matters
and livestock auctions.

APRIL: I wish we had
$46 million.

We could buy my parents'
house and evict them.

I'm surprised
he's taking it this well.

(RON SCREAMS)

(LOUD THUD)

April, could you call
maintenance, please?

LESLIE: Okay. Move a little bit to your left.
And then, turn to the side.

Okay, and freeze.
(LAUGHS)

That is the exact spot.

Where an 18-year-old
Ben Wyatt

was inaugurated as Mayor
of Partridge, Minnesota.

Oh, well, thank you very much.
Yes, congratulations to you.

I don't know.
I have chills.

I can't believe they're finally
giving me the key to the city.

I can't believe
it took so long.

They gave the key
to every other mayor

in the town's history,
and I guarantee,

that none of them had
as cute a butt as you do.

And none of them caused the city's
unemployment rate to hit 30%.

You're so sexy when you
talk about percentages.

When Ben
was mayor he sunk

all of the town's money
into a winter sports complex

called Ice Town
and they went bankrupt.

Now, they've invited him back
as a gesture of goodwill,

and he'll finally
get some closure

on this miserable
chapter in his life.

Yay, Ben! Town hero!

Yes!

Whoa!

Well, if it isn't the
defendant, Ron Swan-suck.

(JAMM LAUGHS)
TOM: Why are you doing this, Jamm?

This lawsuit is Chronicles
of Riddick-ulous.

I'll tell you why. It's because
I'm sick of this whole

Parks and Rec gang.
That's why.

This munch throws me
into a swimming pool.

The nurse still won't have sex
with me, and she's not even queer.

Now Swan-suck
punches me in the mouth.

It's what we in the Jamm
family call payback time.

Everyone calls it that.

Yeah.
Because I invented it.

Yeah. You're not going to
win $50 million, you freak.

Maybe not. But I'm not not
going to win nothing.

Paul?
(PAUL CLEARS THROAT)

That guy is a joke. This lawsuit
is definitely getting thrown out.

I don't know. Those are
Jean-Ralphio's lawyers.

They once got him $60,000 because he
got too scared at a haunted house.

(sums)

Okay. Are you done?
Are we done? Did we win?

You can't win this.

You can win
at anything.

Last year, I won an organic
gardening contest.

Who were you
competing against?

My own taste buds.

I want to have a baby and Chris
has agreed to be the father.

My fertility
counselor showed me

this online quiz
that determines

whether we'd be
compatible parents.

If this were the '80s,
all we'd have to do is,

not drop an egg
for a whole day.

Stupid Internet.

Okay. Our official
co-parenting score is

58% compatibility.
Not amazing.

Oh, I think
it's fantastic.

I think it's literally the best
score we could have hoped for.

Not sure
that that's true.

DONNA: Oh, snap.

I just filled it out for fun.
Chris and I are 81% compatible.

You want to make a baby,
Traeger?

Your hair, my everything else. That
kid will be unstoppable. (LAUGHS)

Guys, I couldn't resist.
I did it, too.

Ann and I got 84%.

Well, this sucks.

Yes. We did not win.

So, was Ben
a bossy older brother?

Did he make you
watch Star Wars movies?

Make me?

I loved those movies
just as much as he did.

That's so cute.

Huh.You do a lot of hugging.
Yeah.

Get used to it. We're sisters now.
(LAUGHS)

STEPHANIE: Benji, I'm really
glad you came back for this.

A lot of jerks around here
didn't think you'd show up.

Well, I wasn't sure. But
Leslie gave me the extra push,

and I figured it
would be nice to put

the Ice Town thing behind
me once and for all.

Now that you're both here, let's get started.
Just have a few questions.

You have a binder?
That's right.

Who were Ben's high
school girlfriends

and what base
do you think he got to?

STEPHANIE: Um...
What's that?

And what exactly
did you witness?

Defendant, alias Ron Swanson, alias
my boss, used appropriate force

to prevent further
damage to the wedding

of Leslie Knope,
alias my other boss.

You sound as if you have a special
interest in law enforcement.

Yes, sir.

In fact, at the time, I was trying
to become a police officer,

but was deemed
unfit for the force.

And what happened?

Don't know. Well,
I pooched the brain exam.

Just to be safe, I wouldn't take
anything I say too seriously.

Next witness,
Your Honor.

Ms. Ludgate, have you
ever heard Mr. Swanson

threaten to hurt
Councilman Jamm?

Ronny?
Are you kidding me?

I have never heard him threaten
to hurt anyone or anything.

The guy's,
like, a vegetarian.

Look at him. He's like a
big old soft teddy bear.

His nickname around the office
is Softy-Pants McHuggable.

Did you ever hear
Mr. Swanson say

he intended to injure
Councilman Jamm

before the day
of the wedding?

The answer is a flat no.

Ron doesn't really pay much
attention to other people.

I doubt he even
knew you existed.

Also, may I state for the record,
that is a dope pocket square.

Can I see that bad boy?

Tom and April were excellent
witnesses in my defense.

Unfortunately, every single word
out of their mouths was a lie.

There's only one thing
I hate more than lying.

Skim milk.

Which is water that's
lying about being milk.

Despite everything
that happened 20 years ago,

this will always
be my hometown.

(SOBS)

Are you crying again?

It's just, every time
you say that speech,

I think about
where you've been

and where you're going and our
future children, and America,

and just our history
as a nation.

Wow. I didn't think about all
that, but I thought it was good.

Thanks, Steph.

(SIGHS) I'm feeling sweaty.
Do I look sweaty?

You know, I need to use
the bathroom one more time.

That's, like,
five times in an hour.

Well, somebody's nervous
about the ceremony.

I don't blame him. He didn't
exactly leave Partridge

as the most popular guy in town.
(BEN GROANS)

Ben?

Oh, my God.
(GROANS)

Are you okay?

I think I'm giving birth.

Is that possible?
No, right?

No. No, no, no, no.

Oh, God.
I'll call an ambulance.

No! God, it's twins.
I'm having twins.

A kidney stone?

Yep. Big sucker, too.

We're going to have to keep
him here until it passes.

Leslie and Dr. Clipperton?

Wow, man.

I'm so glad
you guys are meeting.

It's like worlds collide,
you know? I love it.

I want candy.

What is he on?

Morphine.
It's good stuff.

Leslie, come here.

Do you have any idea
how beautiful you are?

I'm serious.
You're like a flower.

Like a snug-bug. Or like a snuggerdoodle.
Or something like that.

We should just go
for it, you know?

Life.

We have a ceremony we need
to be at in two hours.

Is there anything
that we can do?

Sorry, Ice Town. You're not going
anywhere for at least a day.

Okay. Well,
I'll call Mayor Stice

and we'll reschedule
the ceremony.

No. This town
expects me to wuss out.

I'm making that speech,
and I'm simply

going to explain
to the crowd

that love is everywhere
and they have to surrender

to the flow
of the universe.

Price is Right
is on, I think.

Oh, I remember staying
home sick from school

(SOBS) and watching The Price Is Right.
Oh, God.

CHRIS: Look, I know that
this is just a silly quiz,

but it is so discouraging
to do so poorly.

Well, look. This is not the only way
to see if we would be good parents.

I know it's a little lame,

but I bought a dozen eggs
at the grocery store.

And I thought
we could do that thing

where we pretend
the egg is a kid for a day.

That's a great idea.

I don't see them.
Oh, my God.

I left them
at the grocery store.

Oh, boy.

I bought 12 babies, and then
I immediately abandoned them

at a Kroger's.

Look. We can use anything as a baby.
I mean, we can use this mug.

TOM: I don't understand.
I was great.

I was like Mark Z
in The Social N.

My testimonial
was amazing for your case.

But it wasn't the truth.

And neither was yours. You
even called me a vegetarian.

What if that testimony leaks? How
will people ever respect me?

(SCOFFS) Whatever.
The truth is stupid.

I only tell the truth when it
makes me sound like I'm lying.

TOM: Yeah,
lying is all I know.

It's how I was able to scrape
by on the streets of Bombay

and make it on the Indian version
of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire

and get reunited with the
love of my life. Latika.

You could both take
a lesson from Andrew.

He told the truth about
everything he was asked,

even when it was
humiliating for him.

That's right.

I love telling the truth.
Case in point.

Sometimes, when I blow
my nose, I get a boner.

I don't know why.
It just happens.

Truth bomb.

I'm going to call you
both back in that room,

and you'll recant
your testimony.

No.
No.

You committed perjury.
But more importantly,

you've dishonored yourselves.

(SIGHS) Oh, brother.

(SIGHS) They are so young.
So much to learn.

What are you
talking about?

I know, right?
(CHUCKLES)

Wisdom.

STICE: Sick?

Do you really expect me
to believe that?

What has he got,
acute wimping out?

No, he has kidney stones.
We have proof.

Yeah, I took a video of him
at the hospital an hour ago.

I feel like I never gave
Miles Davis proper shrift.

Like, I just
didn't get into it.

But the good news is, lam here
to accept the key on his behalf.

Boy, it's just a real
shame it had to happen

today of all days.
Damn it.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Excuse me.

Hi. Everything okay? You want me
to come back to the hospital?

No, I'm goodie goodie.

You just do your thing,
baby smurf.

I mean,
I wish you were here.

It seems pretty
fun and festive.

The town mascot is here.

Fred the Sled?

They only bring him out
for special occasions.

I can't believe they're doing all this for me.
The universe is love.

Okay, stay away
from sharp things.

Well, well, well. Heard
you want to recant

your earlier
statements.

Yes. I misremembered
some things.

I did, in fact,
hear Ron Swanson say

he intended
to injure Jeremy Jamm.

Boom! Knew it.

JAMM: Tell us
about it, please.

(SIGHS) Which time?

Well, how many
were there?

Well...

Yeah, we did a trade.
I gave his wife new enamels.

He gave my wife new yabbos.
(LAUGHS)

Who's that gentleman?

Jeremy Jamm. City Councilman.
You don't know him?

Never met him. He looks
like he could use

a swift punch
in the face though.

(LAUGHS)

And then,
before he can say anything,

I just run over
and shove him into the pool.

Bully for you.

If it were me, I would have
just punched him in the face.

What's up, Ron?

Just daydreaming about
punching Jamm in the face.

And there were
a few other times, too.

We get the picture, son.

Hold on. We need your full,
truthful testimony on record.

Keep going, Tom.

But now, 20 years later,
the city has finally healed

from the festering
wound of Ice Town.

Today, we put those horribly
painful memories behind us

as we welcome back the mayor
who made all of that possible.

Ben Wyatt.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's a typo. That's a major typo.
That says "Ice Clown".

And I'm just realizing
now that's not a typo.

Hey, aren't you
his sister?

I've got to get out of here.
Good luck, Leslie.

Here to accept the key
to the City of Partridge

because Mr. Wyatt
is conveniently ill

is his wife, Leslie Knope.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

And it's water.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Uh, oh.
The key was made of ice.

And much like
the hopes and dreams

of the people of Partridge,
it melted away.

Again, this would all be way
more satisfying if Ben was here.

Okay, excuse me.

I would like to point
out that we drove

all the way here
from Pawnee, Indiana.

A city with some class,
by the way.

And sure, my husband made an
honest mistake 20 years ago.

But it was very meaningful
that you were...

Hi, Leslie.

...going to finally
be able to forgive him.

If it's so meaningful to him,
then where is he?

He is in
the hospital, sir.

He has a calcified rock
lodged in his penis.

(CHUCKLES)

Frankly, Ben Wyatt
is the best thing

to ever come out
of this crap town.

Oh, yeah?
What about Judy Garland?

Judy Garlands
from Partridge?

She lived here for a while.

And Lee Janzen.

Who's Lee Janzen?

He's a golfer.
He's pretty good.

Well, Ben Wyatt
is better than Lee Janzen.

And he's better
than Judy Garland.

No, that's crazy.
Judy Garland is amazing.

But Ben Wyatt
is better than all of you.

Because he cared about this
town and he tried to help it.

You know what? Screw you, Partridge.
(ALL BOOING)

And a sled
is a stupid mascot!

Thank you, Ms. Ludgate.

It is now quite clear that on
innumerable occasions, Ron Swanson

said he intended to punch
Councilman Jamm in the face.

And then, he did.

Yeah, but who cares?

He says a lot of things.
He's always talking

about overthrowing
the government,

but he never does that.

Well, that will
make a nice pull quote

for the article about me
taking you to the cleaners.

Mr. Swanson, if you'd like to
make a statement, you may.

On the night I punched
Councilman Jamm in the face,

I warned him
several times to back off.

And instead, he attacked me.
Twice.

Truthfully, I barely
registered his attack.

He's incredibly frail,
and his arms are weak.

When I punched him,
he dropped so quickly,

I thought he was
diving towards the ground.

I regret nothing.
The end.

Well... This turned out
better than I ever imagined.

You got Jammed by your own team.
Self-Jamm.

I'll see you in court, Swanson.
And bring your checkbook.

I would like to punch
you in the face again.

Okay, Paul, let's go.
(PAUL CLEARS THROAT)

LESLIE: I'm glad
you're feeling better.

Well, get your normal conversation
in with me while you can.

We've got about 20 minutes
before I get all loopy again.

Mmm. Let me see the key.

Oh, uh, they took it back.

They wanted to get it engraved.
Huh.

You know, the key
is just a metaphor.

I mean, the real key has
been inside you all along.

It was a set-up, wasn't it? They
were going to make fun of me?

(SIGHS) Yes.

Ice Town was a debacle.
They'll never get over it.

I just don't know
why I got my hopes up.

It's so unfair.
You've worked so hard.

You've done
so many great things.

And for your hometown to treat
you this way is just...

You know what?
Screw this.

We're going to make one
more stop before we leave.

Tuck in your shirt.
We're going to City Hall.

So, Dr. Van Dyne, we took the
compatibility test that you recommended,

and we didn't do amazing.

But I'm sure that happens
with a lot of couples, right?

And it's not like we failed it.
We got a 58%

Which, as I'm saying it, sounds
very clearly like we failed.

Look, there are many ways
to judge compatibility.

Okay, you know what?
Let's do a little exercise.

I'm going to say something
about your future child,

and then you just say the first
thing that pops into your mind.

Okay? Gender.

Girl.
Boy.

Okay. Religion?

Buddhist. Whatever he wants.
Whatever he wants.

How about occupation?

Six time Tour-de-France Champion.
Teacher.

Really?
Okay, I'm sorry.

Are you guys
complete strangers?

Is this one of those
Craigslist father situations?

No, no, no, no. We actually
know each other quite well.

Yeah, we used to date, actually.
But it didn't work out

because we had some
compatibility issues.

You know what? Why don't we just
try one more compatibility test?

Great. Let's do it.

No. Let's not.
(SIGHS)

Well, we all told the truth and
Jamm's definitely going to win.

What do we do now?

I intend to do
as the court orders.

Do you know if one can pay
court-ordered settlements in gold?

All of my money
is in gold.

I also have some
money in palladium.

What if it's a huge amount? Are
you going to be okay financially?

I think so. I'm actually not
sure how much money I have.

But I do know how many
pounds of money I have.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) That is awesome.
TOM: Yes, it is.

And I'm definitely tweeting that to
Drake to use in his next rhymes.

But still. I kind of feel
like this is our fault.

Ugh. Do we have to do
something nice now?

LESLIE: Let me start
by apologizing, Mayor Stice.

I had no right
to disparage your town.

Well, I owe you guys
an apology, too.

I had a little
bad publicity lately.

And frankly, it's still really easy
to score points by bashing Wyatt.

Can't you just give Ben
a key to the city?

Here, now, in your office? Where
no one will know your shame?

Sorry, babe. Aw. No worries.
I love you.

You know, if people found out I
gave Wyatt the key to the city,

I would never
get re-elected, so no.

What're you
doing there, Wyatt?

I'm feeding your eagle.
He's starving.

It's bronze, babe.

Why?

The eagle. We should go.

Yeah.

CHRIS: Ann Perkins?

I know it didn't seem to go
very well at the counselor's.

But I have found a new quiz,
and I think we should take it.

Are you sure? Everything we do
makes it seem like it's a bad idea

for us to have
a kid together.

Maybe we shouldn't
even be friends.

Take a look.

"Will you love our
child and work hard

"to see that he or she
has a good life?"

You see, I think that's the
only question that matters.

All the rest
of it is details.

Yes.

My answer is yes.

I said
the exact same thing.

We are 100%
on the same page.

Are you sure about this?

You are caring,
intelligent, and reliable.

And I am certain that you will
literally be the world's best mom.

Wow.
This is really happening.

You know there's nothing
in there, right?

Yes, sorry.

(LAUGHS) No, I was with Johnny Cougar
Mellencamp at that music fest.

We both thought biggest yabbos
we have ever seen in...

What the hell?
That was important.

Game's over, Councilman.
Drop the suit.

And why, exactly,
would I do that?

We took a look
at your affidavit.

We cross-referenced it
with telephone records

and eyewitness
accounts and...

Uh-oh,
we found 11 lies.

Lying under oath
is called perjury.

And they should know.
They did it yesterday.

Well, I mean, maybe I accidently
said something that wasn't...

Let me see that.

Ow! My wrist!

You twisted my arm
like a maniac! Oh no!

You monster.

Ow! You assaulted me!
And I'm injured!

Oh, my God, Tom.
Are you okay?

All right. You know what?
I see what you're doing.

I barely touched you.

That's not what I saw.

My face.
ls my face still there?

What happened to my knees?

Someone please tell me
if Tom is okay.

Jamm, I'm going to sue you.

Okay. Fine. Hey, listen.

Keep your mouth shut about the
affidavit, I'll drop the suit. Okay?

Hurry, Tom.
Let's get you into surgery.

TOM: Yeah.

Yeah, it's me. We got Jammed.
(DOOR CLOSES)

BEN: My friend Jack and I used
to fish this lake in the summer.

One time, our boat almost tipped over.
But then it didn't.

That's not a great story.

Yeah, I had a pretty
uneventful childhood.

I got you something.

No way.
Yeah.

Where did you get that?

I stole it from
Mayor Stice's office.

Screw that guy.
You should have it.

You're the best wife
in the world.

(CHUCKLES)

But I don't want this.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, I love Partridge,
but I have Pawnee now.

And I have you.

Well, I'm not giving it back to Stice.
That guy sucks.

Yeah.
Well, you know what, then?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Hey! The lake's not
a garbage can, pal.

Yeah, sorry.
It was symbolic.

Is that Ben Wyatt? Get the
hell out of here, Ice Town.

Go, go, go, go.
Run. Run!

LESLIE: Sorry!