All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E16 - Bailout (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Rent-A-Swag
shareholders,

as you can see,
your store is hopping.

These kids are renting
my old clothes

like they're going
out of style,

which they never will.

Yeah, it's a lot of foot traffic, Tommy.
I like it.

MONA-LISA:
Oh, damn.

It is kind of a sausage
party in here.

For the record.

Would hit it,
would hit, would hit.

Hard pass.
(LAUGHS)

Tom,
who is this person?

This is Mona-Lisa Saperstein,
my new sales associate.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein?

Does that mean...

Oh, yeah!

She's my sister. My twin
sister, from the same mister.

Thank you so much for hiring Mona-Lisa.
It means so much to me.

Even though, honestly,
she is...

(IN SING-SONG MANNER)
...the worst.

She is the worst
person in the world.

Huge skank. Terrible. But thank you.
Means a lot.

Of course. Got to keep
it in the family.

Yeah, but does it have
to be this family?

Actually, that reminds
me, boss-man,

I need to leave
early today because

my shrink got me and him
tickets to a Pitbull concert.

And I already
committed to that.

And so, if you say
that I can't go,

it's like you're taking
something away from me.

Um, the store
is really busy.

I kind of need you to stay.
Mmm-hmm.

I totally hear you. I also
don't like what you're saying.

So, if you say no, I will
start a fire in the bathroom.

Okay,
I guess you can go.

Yeah, I know I can.
(LAUGHS)

JEAN-RALPHIO: What did I tell you?
Huh?

(IN SING-SONG MANNER)
The worst.

She's the worst
in the world.

Jean-Ralphio.
How are you?

Hello. Welcome
to Pawnee VideoDome.

Today,
we will be screening

Stanley Kubrick's
1957 classic

Paths of Glory.

It's about three men who refuse
to go on a suicide mission

and are executed
for cowardice.

Or we could, you know, maybe
screen a different movie.

One that's a little bit more
upbeat, like Finding Nemo or...

I could do, uh, Shoah.

Okay.
Paths of Glory it is.

LESLIE: This is the Pawnee
VideoDome and we are here because

I started a program
to help local business.

This is a Pawnee institution.

This is the place where Perd
Hapley shot his movie review show,

Lights, Camera, Perd.

It's a heartwarming story,
but it's just not believable.

Which is why I give E. T.
one and a half stars.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Andy. It's over.
Get up. Andy.

What are you doing?
What... Where are we?

The reason I love that film is
that it's really depressing.

Speaking of which,
sadly, next month,

Pawnee VideoDome will
be closing its doors.

Forever.
No.

For those of you that have
attended our screenings

I want to thank you
for your patronage.

Though I wish you would
have rented more movies.

Guys, we have to help out
Dennis and his business.

Everybody, rent something
so we can help Dennis.

Sir, will you
rent something?

Why would I do that? All
movies are online for free.

I'm watching Iron Man 2
on my phone right now.

Okay, you're not helping. I, for
one, am going to rent Finding Nemo.

Ooh. We don't
carry cartoons.

But if you want
a film about the ocean,

we have a documentary about the
brutality of Japan's whaling industry.

It's called Tears of my
Blowhole, and it's nauseating.

I'll just buy
some Red Vines.

Uh, we only have Japanese slime candy
and, um, Bulgarian wheat balls.

Leslie, seriously,
where are we?

All these kids have
fathers and mothers who

birthed them and are guiding
them through life. Wow.

Yep.
That's how it works.

How are you feeling? Did you
make your dad-cision yet?

I am 100% certain that I am 0%
sure of what I'm going to do.

Ann Perkins asked me if I
would like to donate sperm

so she can have a baby.

It's a battle between
my primal desire

to bring a child
into this world,

and my paralyzing fear of negatively
affecting any living thing.

There's $60 missing
from the register.

I think Mona-Lisa
is stealing from me.

Yeah, it is absolutely Mona-Lisa, 100%.
She's a total klepto.

And nympho and pyro.
All those things.

Okay. As your CFO, I recommend
getting rid of her immediately.

I'm throwing
a huge cocktail party

tomorrow for all
my best clients.

I don't have time to find someone new.
Ugh. This sucks.

You know,
when I was in high school,

we had to spend a week carrying
around a sack of flour

pretending it was a kid.

Why don't you make Tom
your sack of flour?

See how it feels
to parent him a little.

Ben, that is literally

the greatest idea
in human history.

I heard sack of flour
and high school.

Are you dingdongs making
fake drugs for sophomores?

Because if true,
this guy wants in.

Yeah, just have Mr. Traeger
call me when he gets back in.

Actually, you know what?
Don't tell him that I called.

Just, when he gets there, can you
text me and tell me he's back?

You know what? Let's just pretend
this didn't happen, okay?

This is Jerry Gergich calling.
Bye.

I have to tell
you a secret.

But if you tell anyone, I will kill
you slowly with a giant syringe.

Good morning, April.
What's your secret?

I am thinking about applying to
veterinary school in Bloomington.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.
April, that's great.

Whoa.
Where did you get that?

The Internet.

So, I really need
a letter of recommendation.

And since you work
in a hospital as a janitor...

Nurse.

...I was wondering if maybe
you would write one for me?

Really?

Generally, between us, April
always has the upper hand.

And that hand is usually
giving me the finger

or pouring honey
in my purse.

But now,
I have the upper hand,

and I am going
to use it to crush her

into being nice to me.

I would be happy
to write you that letter.

I actually know the guy who runs
the veterinary program over there.

Because you
hooked up with him?

I don't hook up
with everyone I know.

Although, yes,
we did hook up.

But before I write
you that letter,

you have to spend the next week
with me and do everything I say.

So, I have to be
your slave or something?

No. You have
to be my friend.

No, that is so much worse.

Don't do that.

I think I have a plan
how to save your store.

If we get the Pawnee
Historical Society

to declare your store
as a historical landmark,

then you might get enough of a tax
break to keep your business afloat.

That sounds like
the government meddling

in private enterprise.

Well, Ron, we all know how
much you love the free market.

But the Pawnee VideoDome
is the only place in town

where people gather to do
something intellectual.

That, and the Slam Poetry
nights at Beanie's Coffee.

But I do not count those, because
those poems do not rhyme.

(RECITING) Anything can be a slam
poem if you say it like this.

It's pointless.
This man is a failure.

He is not up to snuff.

His business is failing,
and you're bailing it out.

This is a bailout,
and I don't like it.

And there are some pretty
intellectual conversations

down at Barrett's Hardware.

You may get a little
heat for this. Okay?

So, use your
money wisely.

Get popular films
that people want to see.

Like, uh, get the Tarkovsky
movies with the subtitles.

No. Like Pixar.
Reese Witherspoon.

I know this is going to hurt,
but maybe some Michael Bay.

What? No, no. No.

Tom, I have something I
need to talk to you about.

Do we need
to sit like this?

Yes.

Mona-Lisa's taking
advantage of you,

and I'm sure
that it's not easy

when it's the sister
of a dear friend.

Oh, no, it's not that. She
scares the crap out of me.

I once saw her punch
a police horse in the face.

Speak directly to her. And tell
her, "I will not be disrespected."

You're Tom Haverford.

You're a smart,
successful young man

with an adorable
little belly.

Stand up for yourself.

Yeah. I'll talk
to her before the party.

And if she murders me, tell Jean-Ralphio
to clear my browser history.

Thanks for the advice, man.

You're welcome.

Son.

What's that?
Nothing.

Pawnee VideoDome is where I
rented my first Bruce Lee movie.

And my second
Bruce Lee movie.

And when I was
in seventh grade,

I went out back in the
alley behind the store

and there was
a giant hornets' nest.

And I threw a rock
at it and it exploded.

And hornets came out.
(WHISPERS) Andy...

The point is, obviously,

you do not throw rocks
at a hornets' nest!

And the point is also that
the Pawnee VideoDome is

a place with tremendous
community value,

where people gather
to expand their horizons.

Any other comments
here before we vote?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ron? What are you doing at a city
council meeting? Are you lost?

Are you hurt?
RON: No.

I am here
to express an opinion.

This action by
Councilwoman Knope

is nothing more than
a thinly-veiled government bailout.

And I, for one, refuse to
let her turn this town

into a Socialist hell-scape.

Allow me to elaborate.

The government should not
prop up a failed business.

That would be like giving food
to a mortally wounded animal

instead of slitting its throat and
properly utilizing its meat and pelt.

Please stop talking
about wounded meat.

Pawnee needs a place where
the community can gather

to discuss and
appreciate art.

A place where you
can rent such films

as Cinema Paradiso
or Rash om on.

You rented Rashomon. What was
your favorite part of that?

I haven't rented it,
actually. Yet.

But I like the idea that there is a
place where I could rent Rashomon.

Uh, you can just watch it online
for free whenever you want.

Bailiff!

Thank you,
Mr. Swanson,

for your absurd opinion,
which is shared by no one.

Now, are there any more public
comments before we vote? Mmm.

How much to rent
this jacket?

Aw...

Curly Sue, that jacket is so ugly.
You should just take it.

It's $15 for the day,
$40 for the week.

Thank you. We appreciate
your business.

Mona-Lisa, did you
order the champagne

for the client
party tonight?

Did I order the what for the what, what?
What? What?

What are you even
talking about right now?

Okay, we need to discuss
your work habits.

Okay, sure. But after
I take a quick nap.

Because Ecstasy takes...

(IN SING-SONG MANNER)
...forever to leave my system.

No. We're doing this now. Mmm.

You need to start putting
in more of an effort

and start respecting
my authority around here.

Or else what?

Or else I'll fire you.

What did you just say?

I said if you
don't shape up,

I'll fire you.
Do you understand?

You are so frigging sexy right
now, I could crap my pants.

Ugh.

What are you doing? Ah!

I guess it would have to
be Channing Tatum's body,

Ryan Gosling's face,

and Michael Fassbender's
sense of humor.

What about you?
Build your perfect guy.

Um...

Yao Ming's torso,
Napoleon's brain,

and the Hunchback
oi Name Dame's hunchback.

Do you like my nails?

ANN: Even though she hides it
underneath layers of sarcasm,

resentment, and grumpiness

I know deep down somewhere,
April likes me.

I'm kind of just
fracking for friendship.

Gene Strackwell,
owner of Strackwell Hardware.

Is there a form I need to
fill out for the bailout?

We're not bailing anyone out.

Pawnee VideoDome is receiving
Historical Landmark status.

We've been around
way longer than that

stupid art house
movie bull-crap.

And people need
places to buy tools.

Oh, you can just
buy tools online.

Bailiff, why is he back in here?
How did you get back in here?

I'll see myself out.
Don't worry about it.

I heard you were
giving out free money.

I need $3,000.
Minimum.

LESLIE: Mr. Fantringham,
the city of Pawnee

is not going to give
you a personal loan.

What would you do if
one of your citizens

was about to come into
some serious physical harm

unless he got $3,000?

I'd call the police.

You cannot call the police.

Wilson Gromling of
the Liberty or Die party.

These government
handouts are deplorable.

You're just handing
out blank checks.

I was on food stamps. I was on welfare.
And nobody ever helped me.

This is not a blank check.

I have given specific instructions
to the Pawnee VideoDome about

how they are going
to spend their money.

In a few days,
Dennis will re-open,

the store will serve a wider
range of Pawnee citizens,

and a Pawnee cultural
institution will be saved.

Are there any
other comments?

WILSON: Yes.

The Pawnee chapter of the Liberty or
Die party has hit some hard times.

We were wondering if maybe the
town could loan us some money.

Mmm-hmm.

Tom. How did it go
with Mona-Lisa?

I told her she needed
to change her attitude

or I was going
to have to fire her.

Well, that is very responsible and mature.
She took it well?

Um...

Yeah.

For some reason,
she got super turned on.

We started making out.
Hard.

Next thing you know, we're
back at my place having sex.

We're together now.
Hey, bitch.

I need to borrow some
money to do something

that is none
of your damn beeswax.

Namely, I need
to wax my bees.

Here you go.
I'd still hit it.

I'm cooling on you.

See? Perfect.

(SIGHS) Okay,
you have to choose one.

I can't think. These braids you
did are making my brain hurt.

Fine. Miranda.

No, I think
you're a Charlotte.

You're, like,
a scary Charlotte.

(SIGHS) Hey.

Hey.

(STUTTERS)

What's up?

Nothing.

This is weird.

No, it's not.
Yeah, it is.

Why is it weird?
It's not weird.

Do you want to,
uh, talk in private?

No. Anything you can say
to Ann, you can say to me.

Because we're best
friends this week.

(STUTTERS)
Can we talk later?

Yeah.
Okay.

Why don't we talk now?
No. Talk to you later.

Chris, we can talk now.
What's going on, best friend?

Nothing. Never mind.
Tell me.

Nothing's happening.
Back to forced friendship.

Hey, let's go put on our PJs and
make White Russians. So fun.

Councilwoman.

I just came down
to see the effects

of your government
intervention.

And I've got
to hand it to you.

You really turned
this place around.

Really?

Oh, my God.
This is amazing. Dennis.

Hey. You did it. We did it.

I did it.
This was me.

Yes, it was.

I took your advice. Got rid of all
those dusty old foreign films

and used the money
for the part of our business

that's always done
pretty well for us.

Give the people
what they want, right?

This isn't what people want.

It's definitely
what that guy wants.

I like this store now.

LESLIE: Do you realize
what you have done?

The Pawnee Government now
effectively owns a porn shop.

You have made us
porn peddlers.

(SNIGGERS)

Hello, everyone.
I'm Brandi Maxxxx.

Let's give a big round of
applause to Councilwoman Knope

for keeping this
store in business.

(CHEERING)
Oh...

Everyone,
stop applauding.

For the record, I was just
trying to help a place

that had tremendous
cultural value.

Leslie, you've always been a
huge supporter of my work.

No. No, I haven't.

So, I'm thrilled to tell you
that I'm playing Leslie Knope

in the porn version of the story
of this government bailout.

Please don't do that.

Oh, we already
filmed it.

LESLIE: Oh...

The porn industry in town was really
faltering, but now we're back.

You're our hero.

Ah!

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay. Are you ready?

For you to tell me what's
going on with Chris? Yes.

No. To sing.

(SINGING) If you're
lost you can look

And you will find me

Time after time

Go.
No. Tell me about Chris.

(CONTINUES SINGING) If you
fall I will catch you

I'll be waiting

Tell me about Chris
or I'm leaving

and I don't care
about the letter.

I want to have a baby and I asked
Chris to donate his sperm.

And he's taking a really long
time to make up his mind,

and it's really
freaking me out.

And I can't stop thinking about
it and I'm obsessing about it.

I want to think about anything else
but that, but it's making me crazy.

(SINGING) Secrets
stolen from deep inside

You know the song already?

Of course I do. Everyone knows this song.
It's amazing.

(CONTINUES SINGING)
The drum beats out of time

BOTH: If you're
lost you can look

And you will find me

Time after time

h' you fall
I will catch you

ALL'. I'll be waiting

Time after time

Time after time

Time after time

This never happened.

(DOOR CLOSING)

I made
everything worse.

If Tom were
a bag of flour,

that flour would never
grow up to be a happy,

well-adjusted
loaf of bread.

Much less
a bran muffin,

which is the highest honor
that flour can achieve.

Okay. So, you're really
gonna say no to Ann?

(SIGHS) I care about
Ann very deeply,

but I just don't know
if I'm cut out to be a dad.

You know, Chris, every
parent makes mistakes.

I mean, Lord knows
I've made plenty.

But it's the small victories
that keep you going.

When you see your little
one take her first step

or graduate college,

oh, my God, it just
makes it all worth it.

And another thing is if...

(STAMMERING)

if I... (EXHALES)

You know,
and then your kids...

'Cause you're like...
(SHUDDERS) I don't know.

And everyone's like...
(VOCALIZES)

I'm sorry, guys-

No one ever lets me talk this long.
I just got lost.

It was a beautiful point.
And very well-said,

right up until that moment that you
started babbling incoherently.

And I'll have
the number eight.

That's a party platter.
It serves 12 people.

I know what
I'm about, son.

Go ahead, Ron.
Let me have it.

Oh, wait.
I'll do it for you.

(MIMICS RON)
I told you so, Leslie.

This is what happens when the
government interferes with business.

Government is bad. Business is good.
Free market. (MUMBLES)

Capitalism is the
only way, Leslie.

It moves
our country forward.

It's what makes
America great,

and England okay,
and France terrible.

I like capitalism.
I love competition.

I'm more
competitive than you.

I don't think so.
I think so.

Settle down.
No, I'll settle up.

Because the bill has been paid and
I have paid it and I have won.

Look, the point is, there has to
be a way for the government to

help places that
add community value,

but don't necessarily
rake in the money.

There is not.

The free market is a jungle,
it's beautiful and brutal,

and should be left alone.

When a business fails,
it dies,

and a new, better one
takes its place.

Just let business
be business,

and government
be government.

Here you go.

And one number eight.

All right. Party time.

I would suggest sticking around
and watching him eat it.

Because it only takes four
minutes, and it's pretty amazing.

These will not
be necessary.

Here is your letter of recommendation.
So, you're off the hook.

No need to pretend
to be my friend anymore.

Thank God.

I can't tell if you
actually hate me,

or if this is
just how you are,

but I had fun
hanging out with you.

So, I don't care what you
say, you're my friend.

And I hope you get
into veterinary school,

because I like you.
So there.

I got you something, too.

A baby naming book.

I hope it works
out with Chris.

And if it doesn't, I hope
it works out with someone.

We're going
to hug now.

No.
Yeah.

Ow!
You're hurting me.

Mmm. A lot of hot "D"
in here tonight.

Ooh. Look at that chunky hunky.

Go over there and talk to him
and find out what his deal is.

No. I'm not going to
talk to some other guy.

When we're together, you
can't check out other guys.

That's the deal. Or else it's over between us.
You understand?

Mmm.

Tommy laying down the law.
Little feisty.

I like that.
Okay?

I'm going to go
get a soda.

Do you want to have sex
somewhere after I do that?

Sure.
All right.

(sums)

Well, looks like things
with Mona-Lisa are

continuing.
Yeah.

I think I'm gradually
transforming her

from truly terrible
to only kind of terrible.

It's the small victories,
you know?

Indeed.
The small victories.

I know she's kind of a monster.
But whatever.

I'm young, she's sexy.

I'm just going to see where
this roller coaster goes.

Fair enough.

Is there anything
else you need help with?

Have you learned how
to ride a bike yet?

Yeah.
I'm 28 years old.

(LAUGHS)

I'm proud of you, bud.

Thanks.

Ann Perkins.

Is that a happy
"Ann Perkins"

or is that a bad news
"Ann Perkins"?

Oh. Happy, obviously. The bad
news one sounds like this.

Ann Perkins.
No.

Well, I've thought
about it. And I'm in.

I want to be a parent.
I want to raise a child.

With all of the ups and downs and
challenges that comes with it.

Chris, this is so great.
I'm so happy.

Me, too.

Well, I guess your uter-you and
my uter-me are now our uterus.

Don't make me
change my mind.

Although we are all sad
and deeply grossed out

that the Pawnee VideoDome is
turning into a porno palace,

lam happy to announce that the
Pawnee Government will be hosting

a weekly Movie Night here
at the Community Center.

There will be free screenings
followed by a discussion

led by local film buff,
Dennis Lerpiss.

Tonight's film is
The Sound of Music.

(ALL CHEERING)
And action!

I'm glad you're here,
Dong Swanson.

The local video store is about to go under.
We have to save it.

Oh, this is the wrong movie.

Shut this down, please.
Shut it down.

Sorry, Leslie.
I'm a strict Libertarian,

and I don't believe
in bailouts.

This is not how
it happened.