Original subtitles

Rent-A-Swag shareholders,

as you can see, your store is hopping.

These kids are renting my old clothes

like they're going out of style,

which they never will.

Yeah, it's a lot of foot traffic, Tommy. I like it.

MONA-LISA: Oh, damn.

It is kind of a sausage party in here.

For the record.

Would hit it, would hit, would hit.

Hard pass. (LAUGHS)

Tom, who is this person?

This is Mona-Lisa Saperstein, my new sales associate.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein?

Does that mean...

Oh, yeah!

She's my sister. My twin sister, from the same mister.

Thank you so much for hiring Mona-Lisa. It means so much to me.

Even though, honestly, she is...

(IN SING-SONG MANNER) ...the worst.

She is the worst person in the world.

Huge skank. Terrible. But thank you. Means a lot.

Of course. Got to keep it in the family.

Yeah, but does it have to be this family?

Actually, that reminds me, boss-man,

I need to leave early today because

my shrink got me and him tickets to a Pitbull concert.

And I already committed to that.

And so, if you say that I can't go,

it's like you're taking something away from me.

Um, the store is really busy.

I kind of need you to stay. Mmm-hmm.

I totally hear you. I also don't like what you're saying.

So, if you say no, I will start a fire in the bathroom.

Okay, I guess you can go.

Yeah, I know I can. (LAUGHS)

JEAN-RALPHIO: What did I tell you? Huh?

(IN SING-SONG MANNER) The worst.

She's the worst in the world.

Jean-Ralphio. How are you?

Hello. Welcome to Pawnee VideoDome.

Today, we will be screening

Stanley Kubrick's 1957 classic

Paths of Glory.

It's about three men who refuse to go on a suicide mission

and are executed for cowardice.

Or we could, you know, maybe screen a different movie.

One that's a little bit more upbeat, like Finding Nemo or...

I could do, uh, Shoah.

Okay. Paths of Glory it is.

LESLIE: This is the Pawnee VideoDome and we are here because

I started a program to help local business.

This is a Pawnee institution.

This is the place where Perd Hapley shot his movie review show,

Lights, Camera, Perd.

It's a heartwarming story, but it's just not believable.

Which is why I give E. T. one and a half stars.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Andy. It's over. Get up. Andy.

What are you doing? What... Where are we?

The reason I love that film is that it's really depressing.

Speaking of which, sadly, next month,

Pawnee VideoDome will be closing its doors.

Forever. No.

For those of you that have attended our screenings

I want to thank you for your patronage.

Though I wish you would have rented more movies.

Guys, we have to help out Dennis and his business.

Everybody, rent something so we can help Dennis.

Sir, will you rent something?

Why would I do that? All movies are online for free.

I'm watching Iron Man 2 on my phone right now.

Okay, you're not helping. I, for one, am going to rent Finding Nemo.

Ooh. We don't carry cartoons.

But if you want a film about the ocean,

we have a documentary about the brutality of Japan's whaling industry.

It's called Tears of my Blowhole, and it's nauseating.

I'll just buy some Red Vines.

Uh, we only have Japanese slime candy and, um, Bulgarian wheat balls.

Leslie, seriously, where are we?

All these kids have fathers and mothers who

birthed them and are guiding them through life. Wow.

Yep. That's how it works.

How are you feeling? Did you make your dad-cision yet?

I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I'm going to do.

Ann Perkins asked me if I would like to donate sperm

so she can have a baby.

It's a battle between my primal desire

to bring a child into this world,

and my paralyzing fear of negatively affecting any living thing.

There's $60 missing from the register.

I think Mona-Lisa is stealing from me.

Yeah, it is absolutely Mona-Lisa, 100%. She's a total klepto.

And nympho and pyro. All those things.

Okay. As your CFO, I recommend getting rid of her immediately.

I'm throwing a huge cocktail party

tomorrow for all my best clients.

I don't have time to find someone new. Ugh. This sucks.

You know, when I was in high school,

we had to spend a week carrying around a sack of flour

pretending it was a kid.

Why don't you make Tom your sack of flour?

See how it feels to parent him a little.

Ben, that is literally

the greatest idea in human history.

I heard sack of flour and high school.

Are you dingdongs making fake drugs for sophomores?

Because if true, this guy wants in.

Yeah, just have Mr. Traeger call me when he gets back in.

Actually, you know what? Don't tell him that I called.

Just, when he gets there, can you text me and tell me he's back?

You know what? Let's just pretend this didn't happen, okay?

This is Jerry Gergich calling. Bye.

I have to tell you a secret.

But if you tell anyone, I will kill you slowly with a giant syringe.

Good morning, April. What's your secret?

I am thinking about applying to veterinary school in Bloomington.

(GASPS) Oh, my God. April, that's great.

Whoa. Where did you get that?

The Internet.

So, I really need a letter of recommendation.

And since you work in a hospital as a janitor...

Nurse.

...I was wondering if maybe you would write one for me?

Really?

Generally, between us, April always has the upper hand.

And that hand is usually giving me the finger

or pouring honey in my purse.

But now, I have the upper hand,

and I am going to use it to crush her

into being nice to me.

I would be happy to write you that letter.

I actually know the guy who runs the veterinary program over there.

Because you hooked up with him?

I don't hook up with everyone I know.

Although, yes, we did hook up.

But before I write you that letter,

you have to spend the next week with me and do everything I say.

So, I have to be your slave or something?

No. You have to be my friend.

No, that is so much worse.

Don't do that.

I think I have a plan how to save your store.

If we get the Pawnee Historical Society

to declare your store as a historical landmark,

then you might get enough of a tax break to keep your business afloat.

That sounds like the government meddling

in private enterprise.

Well, Ron, we all know how much you love the free market.

But the Pawnee VideoDome is the only place in town

where people gather to do something intellectual.

That, and the Slam Poetry nights at Beanie's Coffee.

But I do not count those, because those poems do not rhyme.

(RECITING) Anything can be a slam poem if you say it like this.

It's pointless. This man is a failure.

He is not up to snuff.

His business is failing, and you're bailing it out.

This is a bailout, and I don't like it.

And there are some pretty intellectual conversations

down at Barrett's Hardware.

You may get a little heat for this. Okay?

So, use your money wisely.

Get popular films that people want to see.

Like, uh, get the Tarkovsky movies with the subtitles.

No. Like Pixar. Reese Witherspoon.

I know this is going to hurt, but maybe some Michael Bay.

What? No, no. No.

Tom, I have something I need to talk to you about.

Do we need to sit like this?

Yes.

Mona-Lisa's taking advantage of you,

and I'm sure that it's not easy

when it's the sister of a dear friend.

Oh, no, it's not that. She scares the crap out of me.

I once saw her punch a police horse in the face.

Speak directly to her. And tell her, "I will not be disrespected."

You're Tom Haverford.

You're a smart, successful young man

with an adorable little belly.

Stand up for yourself.

Yeah. I'll talk to her before the party.

And if she murders me, tell Jean-Ralphio to clear my browser history.

Thanks for the advice, man.

You're welcome.

Son.

What's that? Nothing.

Pawnee VideoDome is where I rented my first Bruce Lee movie.

And my second Bruce Lee movie.

And when I was in seventh grade,

I went out back in the alley behind the store

and there was a giant hornets' nest.

And I threw a rock at it and it exploded.

And hornets came out. (WHISPERS) Andy...

The point is, obviously,

you do not throw rocks at a hornets' nest!

And the point is also that the Pawnee VideoDome is

a place with tremendous community value,

where people gather to expand their horizons.

Any other comments here before we vote?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ron? What are you doing at a city council meeting? Are you lost?

Are you hurt? RON: No.

I am here to express an opinion.

This action by Councilwoman Knope

is nothing more than a thinly-veiled government bailout.

And I, for one, refuse to let her turn this town

into a Socialist hell-scape.

Allow me to elaborate.

The government should not prop up a failed business.

That would be like giving food to a mortally wounded animal

instead of slitting its throat and properly utilizing its meat and pelt.

Please stop talking about wounded meat.

Pawnee needs a place where the community can gather

to discuss and appreciate art.

A place where you can rent such films

as Cinema Paradiso or Rash om on.

You rented Rashomon. What was your favorite part of that?

I haven't rented it, actually. Yet.

But I like the idea that there is a place where I could rent Rashomon.

Uh, you can just watch it online for free whenever you want.

Bailiff!

Thank you, Mr. Swanson,

for your absurd opinion, which is shared by no one.

Now, are there any more public comments before we vote? Mmm.

How much to rent this jacket?

Aw...

Curly Sue, that jacket is so ugly. You should just take it.

It's $15 for the day, $40 for the week.

Thank you. We appreciate your business.

Mona-Lisa, did you order the champagne

for the client party tonight?

Did I order the what for the what, what? What? What?

What are you even talking about right now?

Okay, we need to discuss your work habits.

Okay, sure. But after I take a quick nap.

Because Ecstasy takes...

(IN SING-SONG MANNER) ...forever to leave my system.

No. We're doing this now. Mmm.

You need to start putting in more of an effort

and start respecting my authority around here.

Or else what?

Or else I'll fire you.

What did you just say?

I said if you don't shape up,

I'll fire you. Do you understand?

You are so frigging sexy right now, I could crap my pants.

Ugh.

What are you doing? Ah!

I guess it would have to be Channing Tatum's body,

Ryan Gosling's face,

and Michael Fassbender's sense of humor.

What about you? Build your perfect guy.

Um...

Yao Ming's torso, Napoleon's brain,

and the Hunchback oi Name Dame's hunchback.

Do you like my nails?

ANN: Even though she hides it underneath layers of sarcasm,

resentment, and grumpiness

I know deep down somewhere, April likes me.

I'm kind of just fracking for friendship.

Gene Strackwell, owner of Strackwell Hardware.

Is there a form I need to fill out for the bailout?

We're not bailing anyone out.

Pawnee VideoDome is receiving Historical Landmark status.

We've been around way longer than that

stupid art house movie bull-crap.

And people need places to buy tools.

Oh, you can just buy tools online.

Bailiff, why is he back in here? How did you get back in here?

I'll see myself out. Don't worry about it.

I heard you were giving out free money.

I need $3,000. Minimum.

LESLIE: Mr. Fantringham, the city of Pawnee

is not going to give you a personal loan.

What would you do if one of your citizens

was about to come into some serious physical harm

unless he got $3,000?

I'd call the police.

You cannot call the police.

Wilson Gromling of the Liberty or Die party.

These government handouts are deplorable.

You're just handing out blank checks.

I was on food stamps. I was on welfare. And nobody ever helped me.

This is not a blank check.

I have given specific instructions to the Pawnee VideoDome about

how they are going to spend their money.

In a few days, Dennis will re-open,

the store will serve a wider range of Pawnee citizens,

and a Pawnee cultural institution will be saved.

Are there any other comments?

WILSON: Yes.

The Pawnee chapter of the Liberty or Die party has hit some hard times.

We were wondering if maybe the town could loan us some money.

Mmm-hmm.

Tom. How did it go with Mona-Lisa?

I told her she needed to change her attitude

or I was going to have to fire her.

Well, that is very responsible and mature. She took it well?

Um...

Yeah.

For some reason, she got super turned on.

We started making out. Hard.

Next thing you know, we're back at my place having sex.

We're together now. Hey, bitch.

I need to borrow some money to do something

that is none of your damn beeswax.

Namely, I need to wax my bees.

Here you go. I'd still hit it.

I'm cooling on you.

See? Perfect.

(SIGHS) Okay, you have to choose one.

I can't think. These braids you did are making my brain hurt.

Fine. Miranda.

No, I think you're a Charlotte.

You're, like, a scary Charlotte.

(SIGHS) Hey.

Hey.

(STUTTERS)

What's up?

Nothing.

This is weird.

No, it's not. Yeah, it is.

Why is it weird? It's not weird.

Do you want to, uh, talk in private?

No. Anything you can say to Ann, you can say to me.

Because we're best friends this week.

(STUTTERS) Can we talk later?

Yeah. Okay.

Why don't we talk now? No. Talk to you later.

Chris, we can talk now. What's going on, best friend?

Nothing. Never mind. Tell me.

Nothing's happening. Back to forced friendship.

Hey, let's go put on our PJs and make White Russians. So fun.

Councilwoman.

I just came down to see the effects

of your government intervention.

And I've got to hand it to you.

You really turned this place around.

Really?

Oh, my God. This is amazing. Dennis.

Hey. You did it. We did it.

I did it. This was me.

Yes, it was.

I took your advice. Got rid of all those dusty old foreign films

and used the money for the part of our business

that's always done pretty well for us.

Give the people what they want, right?

This isn't what people want.

It's definitely what that guy wants.

I like this store now.

LESLIE: Do you realize what you have done?

The Pawnee Government now effectively owns a porn shop.

You have made us porn peddlers.

(SNIGGERS)

Hello, everyone. I'm Brandi Maxxxx.

Let's give a big round of applause to Councilwoman Knope

for keeping this store in business.

(CHEERING) Oh...

Everyone, stop applauding.

For the record, I was just trying to help a place

that had tremendous cultural value.

Leslie, you've always been a huge supporter of my work.

No. No, I haven't.

So, I'm thrilled to tell you that I'm playing Leslie Knope

in the porn version of the story of this government bailout.

Please don't do that.

Oh, we already filmed it.

LESLIE: Oh...

The porn industry in town was really faltering, but now we're back.

You're our hero.

Ah!

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay. Are you ready?

For you to tell me what's going on with Chris? Yes.

No. To sing.

(SINGING) If you're lost you can look

And you will find me

Time after time

Go. No. Tell me about Chris.

(CONTINUES SINGING) If you fall I will catch you

I'll be waiting

Tell me about Chris or I'm leaving

and I don't care about the letter.

I want to have a baby and I asked Chris to donate his sperm.

And he's taking a really long time to make up his mind,

and it's really freaking me out.

And I can't stop thinking about it and I'm obsessing about it.

I want to think about anything else but that, but it's making me crazy.

(SINGING) Secrets stolen from deep inside

You know the song already?

Of course I do. Everyone knows this song. It's amazing.

(CONTINUES SINGING) The drum beats out of time

BOTH: If you're lost you can look

And you will find me

Time after time

h' you fall I will catch you

ALL'. I'll be waiting

Time after time

Time after time

Time after time

This never happened.

(DOOR CLOSING)

I made everything worse.

If Tom were a bag of flour,

that flour would never grow up to be a happy,

well-adjusted loaf of bread.

Much less a bran muffin,

which is the highest honor that flour can achieve.

Okay. So, you're really gonna say no to Ann?

(SIGHS) I care about Ann very deeply,

but I just don't know if I'm cut out to be a dad.

You know, Chris, every parent makes mistakes.

I mean, Lord knows I've made plenty.

But it's the small victories that keep you going.

When you see your little one take her first step

or graduate college,

oh, my God, it just makes it all worth it.

And another thing is if...

(STAMMERING)

if I... (EXHALES)

You know, and then your kids...

'Cause you're like... (SHUDDERS) I don't know.

And everyone's like... (VOCALIZES)

I'm sorry, guys-

No one ever lets me talk this long. I just got lost.

It was a beautiful point. And very well-said,

right up until that moment that you started babbling incoherently.

And I'll have the number eight.

That's a party platter. It serves 12 people.

I know what I'm about, son.

Go ahead, Ron. Let me have it.

Oh, wait. I'll do it for you.

(MIMICS RON) I told you so, Leslie.

This is what happens when the government interferes with business.

Government is bad. Business is good. Free market. (MUMBLES)

Capitalism is the only way, Leslie.

It moves our country forward.

It's what makes America great,

and England okay, and France terrible.

I like capitalism. I love competition.

I'm more competitive than you.

I don't think so. I think so.

Settle down. No, I'll settle up.

Because the bill has been paid and I have paid it and I have won.

Look, the point is, there has to be a way for the government to

help places that add community value,

but don't necessarily rake in the money.

There is not.

The free market is a jungle, it's beautiful and brutal,

and should be left alone.

When a business fails, it dies,

and a new, better one takes its place.

Just let business be business,

and government be government.

Here you go.

And one number eight.

All right. Party time.

I would suggest sticking around and watching him eat it.

Because it only takes four minutes, and it's pretty amazing.

These will not be necessary.

Here is your letter of recommendation. So, you're off the hook.

No need to pretend to be my friend anymore.

Thank God.

I can't tell if you actually hate me,

or if this is just how you are,

but I had fun hanging out with you.

So, I don't care what you say, you're my friend.

And I hope you get into veterinary school,

because I like you. So there.

I got you something, too.

A baby naming book.

I hope it works out with Chris.

And if it doesn't, I hope it works out with someone.

We're going to hug now.

No. Yeah.

Ow! You're hurting me.

Mmm. A lot of hot "D" in here tonight.

Ooh. Look at that chunky hunky.

Go over there and talk to him and find out what his deal is.

No. I'm not going to talk to some other guy.

When we're together, you can't check out other guys.

That's the deal. Or else it's over between us. You understand?

Mmm.

Tommy laying down the law. Little feisty.

I like that. Okay?

I'm going to go get a soda.

Do you want to have sex somewhere after I do that?

Sure. All right.

(sums)

Well, looks like things with Mona-Lisa are

continuing. Yeah.

I think I'm gradually transforming her

from truly terrible to only kind of terrible.

It's the small victories, you know?

Indeed. The small victories.

I know she's kind of a monster. But whatever.

I'm young, she's sexy.

I'm just going to see where this roller coaster goes.

Fair enough.

Is there anything else you need help with?

Have you learned how to ride a bike yet?

Yeah. I'm 28 years old.

(LAUGHS)

I'm proud of you, bud.

Thanks.

Ann Perkins.

Is that a happy "Ann Perkins"

or is that a bad news "Ann Perkins"?

Oh. Happy, obviously. The bad news one sounds like this.

Ann Perkins. No.

Well, I've thought about it. And I'm in.

I want to be a parent. I want to raise a child.

With all of the ups and downs and challenges that comes with it.

Chris, this is so great. I'm so happy.

Me, too.

Well, I guess your uter-you and my uter-me are now our uterus.

Don't make me change my mind.

Although we are all sad and deeply grossed out

that the Pawnee VideoDome is turning into a porno palace,

lam happy to announce that the Pawnee Government will be hosting

a weekly Movie Night here at the Community Center.

There will be free screenings followed by a discussion

led by local film buff, Dennis Lerpiss.

Tonight's film is The Sound of Music.

(ALL CHEERING) And action!

I'm glad you're here, Dong Swanson.

The local video store is about to go under. We have to save it.

Oh, this is the wrong movie.

Shut this down, please. Shut it down.

Sorry, Leslie. I'm a strict Libertarian,

and I don't believe in bailouts.

This is not how it happened.