Original subtitles

So, I hope I have not overloaded you with my 35-point presentation

on Pawnee Commons,

but I think if I could sum up this project in one word,

it would be "Dynamite."

"Dynamite" stands for daring, youth-friendly,

"natural, amazing, merry, inviting,

"tourist attraction-y, and eco-friendly."

Thank you, Councilwoman Knope. Very, very thorough

and so many acronyms.

I know.

DEXHART: Councilman Jamm? JAMM: Thank you, Bill.

No, please, everyone be seated.

Let the record show there was a standing ovation.

No, there wasn't. There was not.

History will decide.

My plan for Lot 48 is simple.

But why read it when you can shove it right in your face?

I want to sell this lot to Paunch Burger. Here's why.

We make money. They make money.

They make burgers. We eat burgers. Mmm-hmm.

That's a win-win-win-win. Presentation over. Jamm out.

COUNCILMAN: Oh, man.

Are there curly fries? I love their curly fries.

Ann.

Well, the planning commission has a week to decide

if they want a beautiful, innovative community park

or a bunch of greasy lard bombs.

I'm not editorializing.

Paunch Burger's number-one-selling burger is the Greasy Lard Bomb.

Just give me a hint as to which way you guys are leaning.

Off the record? We're leaning towards Jamm.

Why? You know my plan is better for the community.

Oh, it's way better, but you're also short $50,000.

We can't approve an underfunded project.

Hey, get the rest of the money, you get your park.

You only have a week.

Just a couple of questions for the registry. Wedding date, May 16th.

How many guests are we inviting?

Uh, about 100. 25,000.

We're having a little bit of a dispute.

I want to invite everyone in the town

and every sitting member of Congress,

and Ben's being a little stubborn about it.

Just 100.

What are we going to do, guys? How are we going to get that money?

Hey, come on. Cheer up, little pups.

Registering for your wedding is the most important moment of your lives.

Love... Love fades away. But things?

Things are forever.

That's beautiful. Did the Dalai Lama say that?

Ooh! A citrus reamer!

Ah! This is the only way to ream citrus.

You're gonna need two of these.

I don't want a citrus reamer. I don't want any of this stuff.

Look, all I want is to be married to you and to somehow get $50,000.

Hey, hang on.

What if we register for the park instead of the stuff?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Ben, it's not stuff. It's things.

Don't listen to him, things. You're wonderful, and I love you.

Okay, this is a good idea. Explain. Okay.

We could organize a black-tie gala with food and music

and maybe a silent auction to raise money.

Yeah, and people could donate, or they could bid to put their names

on everything in the park, like benches, cobblestones,

trees, ants, air.

Right, some of that is possible.

You are a genius. Let's go. Okay.

Hey,guys.

I'm really feeling these sheets, very cozy.

I just want to say thank you for all your hard work this week.

Give yourselves a hand. Hey!

But your applause is premature.

You just told us to applaud.

Well, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

I hope so, because the only way

that this gala is going to happen

is if you do everything I say.

Tom, I need you to contact three more food vendors on this list,

and they need to do it for free.

I'm omelet. Get it? "I'm on it," "I'm omelet"?

I get it, and I love it, but I don't have time for food puns right now.

Okay, I'm heading out. Good-pie.

(LAUGHS) Go.

"Gurt." Gogurt. I'm incredible.

See you, guys. Okay. Donna, Jerry...

(SIREN WAILING) CHRIS: Leslie!

Leslie, we need you back at the command center right now!

We have a Class One city emergency.

Oh, my God. Gayle. My girls!

What's the emergency?

Oh, this is just a drill,

but I am having so much fun pretending it's real.

Are you kidding me?

The Disaster Preparedness people picked today?

LESLIE: Each year every city in Indiana is reviewed

by the Department of Emergency Preparedness.

And Pawnee has failed 12 years in a row.

On last year's report, they stated,

"Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee,

"the town is in danger of collapsing

"into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem."

BEN: Okay, we don't know how long Leslie's going to be gone,

so let's just knock some of this stuff off.

Should someone stop Jerry?

Gayle!

Meh. He'll figure it out eventually.

ANDY: First, we do the written exam,

and then we do the personality evaluation,

which I feel like I'm gonna nail, 'cause people always say,

"But he's got a great personality."

Okay, quiz me.

Okay, what does it mean when an officer calls in a 35-42?

Assault and battery. The way I remember that,

I picture 35 salt shakers and 42 batteries.

Great. What is the criminal code for arson?

Arson is 533.

You know how I remember that?

I picture 533 salt shakers and batteries lighting a building on fire.

Oh! I'm nervous.

Babe, look at me.

You are going to pass this test,

and you are going to become a cop.

And if you don't, I'll just divorce you

and marry someone else and then cheat on them with you. (CHUCKLING)

(KISSES) That's so sweet.

Also, I got you a lucky charm.

I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road,

and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm.

Baby, you are so creepy.

Thank you. I love it.

MAN: Dwyer, you're up.

My name is Leonard Tchulm.

I'm head of the Indiana Department of Emergency Preparedness.

And today I'm going to bring death and destruction to your town.

I am Leslie Knope. lam the Pawnee Emergency Czar.

And this year, we are more than prepared for your test,

but, um, it just so happens, today is a little inconvenient.

Good, because the best day for a drill

is when it's inconvenient for everyone.

My mother is getting a colonoscopy today.

I'm not even sure there's anyone there to drive her home,

so we're all making sacrifices, Ms. Knope.

Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.

Mmm. We're not that close.

Oh, good.

Okay, volunteer victims,

please put your identification placards on now

and go to your designated areas throughout town.

First Responders, return to your stations, and the simulation begins...

Went past the zero.

I got to wait till it goes...

Okay, now.

All right, Officers, bolt the doors.

We are officially in lockdown mode.

The doors will not open

until Leonard announces that this drill is complete.

The most important event that I have ever organized in my entire life

is happening in eight hours, and I am stuck in this room.

This is a nightmare.

Wait. Maybe this is a nightmare.

(SIGHS) Nope, can't fly away. This is real life.

LEONARD: I'm now going to open one of these 10 envelopes at random

to determine your simulated disaster.

Pawnee has been hit by

a strain of avian flu.

Yes! Avian flu! Jackpot. This is a simple one, guys.

Everybody open their binders, okay?

"The Knope Protocol"? Correction.

That's "Mission Im-Pawnee-ble: Knope Protocol."

LESLIE: Now, if everyone just follows my instructions,

we will ace this test, and we will be done in 90 minutes.

"Step one, insert the DVD scenario."

Hmm. What could be on this?

Good evening, this is Channel 4 lead anchor

Willow Tremaine, with breaking news.

Avian flu has just hit the town of Pawnee.

We go live now to St. Joseph's Medical Center for an update.

Hello, my name is Donatella Breckinridge, M.D.

graduated first in my class from Harvard Medical School,

so I know what I'm talking about.

This is the avian flu, or we call "H5N1."

And it presents itself in a number of ways.

Fever, muscle ache, fatigue, diarrhea...

Sorry, did you make a DVD for every disaster?

Mmm. You should have seen my makeup for Ebola.

Anyway, let's listen to what the smart and sexy doctor has to say.

H' you or someone you know believes you have avian flu, call this number.

I'm a doctor and I can take care of you.

Donna, are we on schedule for the tent setup?

The tables showed up, which is good,

but there are no chairs, which is bad.

Okay, well, get some chairs from somewhere.

Great leadership, inspiring.

Oh, God. Leslie was gonna go on Pawnee Today to promote the gala.

I'll do it.

No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV.

I can speak in full sentences and I won't cry.

Fair point. I did cry last time. Godspeed.

I aced it. I got everything right. I know I did.

I didn't fall asleep once.

Hey, that's awesome.

I'm so proud of you. I know. I constantly surprise myself.

All I got to do now is a personality evaluation,

then we can go to help Leslie. Mmm-hmm.

Look, I got done early. This is a gift for you.

Devil horns made out of bubblegum and I wrote 666 on the side.

Satan bunny. I love it.

Let's hide it before the personality evaluation. Okay?

(CLEARS THROAT) That's a good call.

Mmm! Smells amazing, Chef. What you cooking?

Little coq au vin? Little Bouillabaisse?

You can stop the ass-kissing, Haverford.

I know why you're here. I cannot do the gala.

It doesn't make business sense to cater something that big for free.

Please. If the gala doesn't go perfectly,

that lot could become a Paunch Burger.

Doesn't that offend your refined Parisian sensibilities?

I'm from Orlando. And I don't care about the Paunch Burger.

If it was another French restaurant, maybe I'd worry.

Hey! Well, you know what?

What?

What? What you got for me? Get out of my kitchen!

Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Pardon! Pardon!

Hey, can you hear me?

Oh! Leslie, you on the TV!

Well, you're on mine, Brett. We're having a video conference.

Oh, okay.

Pawnee has been hit with the avian flu.

Tight. No, this is bad news.

I need everyone there at Animal Control

to eradicate all the infected birds in town.

"Kill all birds."

This is for the drill, right? Yes.

But I'm actually gonna kill these birds for real?

No. No, just pretend.

Right.

So how do I kill them, like, with a gun?

No.

I could fill up a bathtub and just drown them one at a time.

Okay, let's forget we ever talked.

Got it. Kill them.

Oh, my God. Horrified.

Councilman Jamm, can you please contact

the CDC and give them an update?

Chris, can you contact the police chief

and let him know what's going on?

And, Health Director Ann Perkins, how are we doing on snacks?

I got breakfast bars. Oh, my God!

A meal inside a bar. Thank you. You are so good at this.

Okay, casualty update, only four dead,

two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers.

That family took a terrible hit. Well, that's great news.

The infection is contained, bird population's under control.

I believe that we have stopped this outbreak.

(CHEERING)

Not so fast. I regret to inform you

that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms.

Christopher Traeger. What?

CHRIS: A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease,

even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville.

But now I am infected with a killer virus,

and I feel fine.

Therapy!

This is highly irregular. We have followed protocol to the letter.

No, you did not.

Unfortunately, no one contacted the Transit Department

to shut down bus service.

So, you rode a bus with a contagious man,

and he infected you and 39 others.

That is impossible. I do not ride the bus.

I ride my bicycle behind the bus as a windbreak.

Doesn't matter. Prepare for the diarrhea.

Okay, who was supposed to deal with Transit?

My bad, guys. That's my bad. Chris, very sorry.

LESLIE: Damn it, Jamm.

I should've had animal control kill you.

Who you want me to kill? No one.

I'll kill him.

As soon as I'm done with these birds.

RON: Hello.

I'm here for the interview about tonight's gala.

Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather.

I went on a booze cruise last week.

It just finished up an hour ago.

On a completely unrelated note, I have horrible allergies.

I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah.

But I do need to promote this event.

Don't worry about me. I'm a true professional.

The show must go on. MAN: In five, four, three,

two...

Hello. I'm Joan Callamezzo.

Today's show will not go on.

It seems like her allergies are kicking in.

Talk. Talk.

Me? You. You, talk.

My name is Ron Swanson.

lam hereto tell you

about a black-tie gala fundraiser

for Pawnee Commons happening tonight.

All proceeds will go toward building a park.

It will be enjoyable.

That's really all I had to say, so perhaps I should leave.

No, no, no, no. No, stay.

Take a... Take a phone call.

Now I will take your calls, apparently.

Yes?

WOMAN: Hey, Joan, settle a bet for me.

Who's the sexiest couple in history?

R-Patz and K-Stew, or Bieber...

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hey, how's it going?

Uh, well, this simulated disaster is a total disaster.

How are you?

Ron subbed for you on Pawnee Today.

Ron who? Ron Swanson? On television?

You know we want people to come, right?

Donna still can't find any chairs. We don't know where Jerry is.

And now some firemen are using

the lot as a triage center for the emergency drill.

Okay, here's what you do. Listen to me...

LEONARD: Attention. Panic from the outbreak

has overloaded cell phone towers.

Please deposit your phones into this box.

Oh, my God, this drill will never end.

Okay, tell the firefighters... All phones.

...to set up triage at the high school.

All phones. And then to...

But I'm talking to someone important. All phones.

Let me tell him something important. Fix it, Ben! Fix it!

Okay.

What?

I found one chair, got a lead on a second.

Keep me posted.

So this test will determine

whether you have the right personality profile to be a police officer.

Just to make sure the machine is working, is your name Andy?

I don't know how to answer that.

A simple "yes" or "no."

Well, everyone calls me Andy,

but my full name is Andrew, I think, so...

No?

Wait. Yes.

Let's move on.

Scenario, a high-school-aged child

asks to hold your service revolver.

What do you do? Yes, I give it to him.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to hold a cop's gun.

To make that dream come true for another kid...

Well, that's what being a cop is all about.

Scenario, you pull a car over for speeding.

You find out that it's your father.

How do you handle the situation?

Well, first, I would be like,

"Dad...

"You're alive? What the hell?

"I have so much I want to say to you.

"I love you. I've missed you every day.

"I wish you could meet my wife, April.

"Also, do you know where my catcher's mitt is?"

Shouldn't you be taking her to lie down somewhere?

Oh, no. If she ever found out that we took her off camera,

we'd all be fired.

So just keep taking phone calls. You're doing great.

MAN: Three, two...

Hello, again.

I'm Ron Swanson, and I am still taking your calls,

hopefully, about tonight's gala.

You're on the air.

MAN: Hi, what's wrong with Joan?

She has a bad hangover, which she is pretending is allergies.

Is she gonna be okay?

Wouldn't know. Never been hungover.

After I've had too much whiskey,

I cook myself a large flank steak,

pan-fried in salted butter.

I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep.

That works? It does.

Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala

or one of my other interests,

woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships,

meat, that sort of thing.

CHRIS: I'm afraid I have some very bad news.

"I, Chris Traeger, after several sustained hours of diarrhea,

"combined with violent coughing and a devastating fever,

"followed by even more diarrhea,

"have succumbed to the avian flu."

I'm dead.

I got to say, Leonard, it kind of feels like

you're putting us through the ringer here.

Can you give us an idea how long this is gonna take?

Uh...

Probably six to eight more hours.

Eight more hours? Nine.

Are all state emergency drills this intensive?

Oh, no, hardly ever. Councilman Jamm requested it.

Oh, really?

LEONARD: Specifically asked that the drill be done today

and said I should give you everything I got. Mmm-hmm.

Guys! Come here. The game is rigged.

Jamm invited Leonard here,

and he screwed up the bus thing on purpose to slow us down.

It is with a heavy heart that I say, "We have been Jammed."

God, that guy is the worst!

Look, we are stuck in this room until the drill is over.

What are we gonna do?

The only thing we can do.

In order to save our park,

we have to destroy the entire town.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are making some changes to the Knope Protocol.

Ann, how much flu vaccine does the hospital still have?

Enough for 2,000 people.

Great. Why don't you tell the hospital director

to flush them down the toilet. You got it.

LESLIE: Chief Fugleberg, I want you to order your officers

to find all the infected birds in the area and perform CPR.

Sorry. Won't they become infected?

That's a risk we're gonna have to take.

Our top priority is now saving all the birds.

You know what? Let's send the emergency responders home.

They've had a long day. That's a great idea.

And you know what? Why don't we just kick this up a notch?

Oh, no! Pawnee has been hit with

a tornado quake!

Hey, what's up, dudes?

Is this the hero tent over here?

Must be, 'cause you guys are here.

Oh, also, Backdraft.

Really holds up. It's a great flick.

We are running a drill here, man.

And we don't like Backdraft.

The arsonist is a fireman. That is not cool.

Okay. Hey, do you think you could

move this all over to the high school?

We're throwing a big gala here tonight,

and the motif we're going for doesn't involve, you know, like, corpses.

Listen, cowboy, we're not going anywhere, so shut up.

Why don't you turn around and get the hell out of here

before things get a little... Hey!

Wow. Hey.

What are you doing? DONNA: Hello, Gregory.

Hey, D. What's up?

What's up is you're going to listen to my little friend here,

and you're going to take your business elsewhere.

Definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Hey, when this drill's over, maybe I could go to this motif thing.

We could hang out.

Hey, guys. Pack it up. We're leaving.

Wait. Hang on.

I have an idea.

This is You're On With Ron.

You've got problems, I've got practical solutions. Talk to me.

Go ahead, caller.

Hi, My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table.

ls there a cheap way to repair that?

Great question.

Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table.

That'll mask the scratches.

Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog.

Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless.

Come to the gala. Next caller.

Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash.

Don't trust big banks or small banks.

Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons.

Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely.

Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples.

"Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you."

That's as complicated as it should be

to open a business in this country.

Replacing the chain on your chainsaw is child's play. Literally.

Grab your son or daughter and I'll walk them through it.

(WAILING)

Start by removing the two nuts on the side cover

holding the guide bar on the saw.

(SCOFFS) Johnny Unitas. Don't be an idiot.

You should be allowed to brew whatever you want in your own bathtub.

Hello. Is it cold outside? I'm all snuggled up

and I do not want to get out of bed.

I refuse to help you. Next caller.

I've seen three movies in my life,

Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded.

My girlfriend's kids love it.

It's pretty funny.

Next caller.

Good morning.

MAN: Hi. My wife asked me if the dress she has on makes her look fat.

What do I say? She's waiting on an answer in the other room.

In my experience, when a woman asks a question like that,

she's feeling insecure for some other reason.

Maybe you shouldn't say anything to her,

and just put your hand on the side of her face,

tell her that you love her

and that she is the greatest woman you've ever met.

Also, in my opinion, most women

in this world are vastly too skinny.

Thanks. You're the best, Joanie.

Flash flood in Pawnee. Major damage.

Oh, no. Lots of casualties.

Including Councilman Jamm.

What? No, no, you can't do that.

It says right there, you're dead, so is everyone you care about.

Oh, well, joke's on you. I don't have anyone I care about.

And... It is a wrap.

Everyone in Pawnee is dead.

Ms. Knope, I'm afraid

I have to once again give Pawnee a failing grade.

This was bad. Fort Wayne bad.

Bummer. Thank you for your time. I think we're done here.

I will see everyone at the gala, and I will see you in hell.

Yeah, you're too late, Knope. That lot is mine.

I can't hear you. I'm a ghost.

Yeah, well, so am I, so you can hear me! Ghost Jammed!

We got all the way to Muncie before we realized that it was just a drill.

I mean, all I'm saying is you could've called.

No one had your cell number, Big J.

I find that hard to believe.

Oh, my God, why is everyone standing around?

We have work to do. Status report.

Status report! Well...

Nope, we don't have time for that.

We're gonna have to postpone the gala,

but we can't, because the deadline is tomorrow.

Oh, my God, I destroyed the entire town for nothing.

Leslie, it's okay.

LESLIE: Oh, my God. You did all this?

How did you get food?

I had a classic stroke of Haverford genius.

Who has the most to lose from a new Paunch Burger?

Their competitors.

I got all the other fast food places in town to donate food.

I know black tie and chicky tenders isn't the best mix, but...

No, Tom, I love it.

And more importantly, so will all of our more ample citizens.

How did you get the word out?

Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass.

I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle.

It's been a very rewarding day.

Also, I told the firemen they should use the lot as triage

and then gave them and all of the dead and wounded

two free drink tickets. LESLIE: Wow.

This is great. Thank you so much.

Let's start the gala.

And thanks for dressing up, Jerry.

(LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, Chief Fugleberg. Hey.

That's your buddy Andy Dwyer over there, isn't it?

Such a shame.

Oh, no.

Did he fail his test? It's weird.

He got 100% on his written test, first guy in history to do it.

But he failed his personality examination.

He's a sweet kid. Just doesn't have what it takes to be a cop.

Oh, Andy.

Too bad. He's certainly something of a genius.

We could use his brains on the force.

Official police wrist lock. You can't hit me. Try to hit me.

Or here, no, try... It's this hand.

Wrist lock. Boom, too much pain, you can't even hit me.

Try to hit me.

If I had my gun, you wouldn't try

to hit me, though, is the thing.

Hey, buddy. Hi, you two.

Andy, do you have a second? Yeah. Totally.

Oh, hey, by the way, I feel like I did pretty good on my test today.

I want to thank you for all your help.

It's my pleasure.

The first international crime ring I bust up, I'm gonna dedicate it to you.

That would mean a lot. (CHUCKLES)

Did you want to ask me something?

You know what? It can wait.

You guys have a great night.

You, too, citizen.

(LAUGHS)

Can we do that thing where I hit you again?

LESLIE: If I could have everyone's attention, please?

I am so happy to announce that as of one minute ago,

we have reached our fundraising goal.

(CHEERING)

Every dollar spent here tonight by you, the community,

will be poured right back into this wonderful project.

And speaking of community,

I'd like to thank my community, my friends.

It's a lesson that I have learned over and over again,

but it bears repeating.

No one achieves anything alone.

Without further ado, the best band in Pawnee,

Mouse Rat. (CHEERING)

Park

We will build it, the park

It's not built yet, the park

Soon there will be a park

Park

Might not be safe after dark

There could be dangerous sharks

You should probably learn martial arts

I thought you should see why Leslie tanked the drill.

Councilman Jamm used you as a stalling tactic,

hoping it would kill Leslie's park project.

If the test were any other day, Leslie would have aced it.

I believe you.

Maybe I'll find my way back here in a month for a re-do.

I appreciate it.

Have you ever thought of being a sperm donor?

I'm impotent. Yeah, I don't need to know that.

This is the best wedding present ever. This is the best night ever.

I wish we were getting married tonight.

Well, we only have three more months.

I can't wait three more months.

God, I just hate the feeling of not being married to you.

Well...

Let's just do it, then.

Let's get married. Here, tonight.

I mean, we're all in black tie.

We've got plenty of food and entertainment.

And you did want to invite the whole town to the wedding, right?

Leslie...

Let's get married. Tonight.

Breaking news. I've just been handed this.

Pawnee has been hit by a devastating earthquake.

We go to our reporter, live,

Winnifred Makepiece, for the story. Winnifred?

Thanks, Jessica. I'm here at the Pawnee Weather Center

with celebrated geologist Isabella Winchester.

Isabella, can you tell us more about this killer earthquake?

That's right, Winnifred,

the earthquake registered an 8.5 on the Richter scale.

That's correct. It was a large one.

Let's check in now with local citizen

Ann Perkins to see how she's doing. Ann?

Thanks, Isabella. I'm Ann Perkins.

I'm a nurse, I'm a public health official and I'm a super fox knockout.

In fact, a lot of people say the earthquake

was caused by my riveting sexuality.

I mean, no man can resist me.

But you should find a sturdy shelter

and fill your bathtub up with drinking water.

Thank you so much, everyone.

From all of us here at Channel 4 News, I'm Jessica Rabrit.

Have a good evening and be safe out there.

(HUMMING)