All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E10 - Two Parties (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

ANN: Mr. Hotate, hi.
Thank you for coming.

Would you like some water?

Water? Like fire water?

That's racist,
and I do not appreciate it.

No, no, no, no, no.
I didn't mean it like that.

I just meant,
you know...

I'm just messing with you.

Oh. my God!
(LAUGHS)

He's funny.
This guy's funny.

He does that sometimes.
But seriously.

I'll have a whiskey.

LESLIE: Ken Hotate is the
leader of the Wamapoke people,

and we are trying to get them involved
in our Pawnee Commons project.

Ken and I get along great.

But historically,
Pawnee's relationship

with the Wamapoke
has been more...

Murder-y.

What about, and I'm
just spitballing here,

a large neon advertisement
for the Wamapoke Casino?

We have a new slogan
that I'm quite proud of,

"Our slots are
downright filthy."

I think it's a slam-dunk idea.
I think we're done here.

I don't think we are.

I don't know if we could
put that in a public park.

In that case,
the playground will be great.

Why don't we
retire to my longhouse

and smoke the ceremonial
peace pipe to celebrate?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Is he joking?
I don't know.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Best
Man and Bachelor boy.

Ann Perkins, Maid of Honor, are you
ready for the bachelorette party?

Uh, more than ready.

We've got dancing, Jell-o
shots, private karaoke,

and anything that can be
penis-shaped will be penis-shaped.

Oh!
What?

As Leslie's maid of honor,

I really need her bachelorette
party to go well.

Which is why I'm stress-eating
gummy penises.

What are you losers doing
for your bachelor party?

I told Ben he could do whatever he wants.
Sky is the limit.

We have Haverford,
Swanson, Dwyer...

Jerry forced his way
in there somehow...

Things are bound
to get crazy.

The game is
Settlers of Catan.

The object is be the first
to build a civilization

on this fictional island.

I can't believe this is what you
want to do for your bachelor party.

Look, guys, we don't have to play
this game if you don't want to.

I mean, I'm nationally ranked,
so it isn't even really fair.

Ben, this is your night.
We do what you want to do.

Come on, let's play.

I'm not a big
bachelor party kind of guy,

so when the guys asked me what
my perfect night would be,

I told them the truth.
Beer and board games.

They thought I was kidding.

I was not kidding.

Is this gonna be one of those
cool bachelorette parties

where things get out of control
and we murder someone,

and then we all have to take a blood
oath to never reveal our secret?

No.

Then I might
have to leave early.

What the hell?

Well, well, well. Don't you
ladies look nice... For once?

Just kidding. I've actually always
been attracted to this one.

Jamm,
what the hell are you doing?

We're laying the groundwork for
Pawnee's newest restaurant.

(APRIL READING)

Look,
the deal was that both of us

had three months to get
our proposals together,

and then we put
it up for a vote.

We still have two weeks left.

Yeah, that's true.

However, here's the problem.

Turns out, I don't care.

You can't stop this train.
Make all the ruckus you want.

By the time this
all gets cleared up,

the people will be frothing
at the mouth for that beef.

Aw, sweet! A new Paunch Burger.
(LAUGHS)

Their burgers will kill you!
They're full of wasps!

Yeah,
but they taste real good.

Yes, they do, sir.

Once again, open invitation.

I'm still technically married,
but my wife knows the deal.

Ugh.

Oh, I'm sorry, what's this?

Seven contiguous segments,
giving me longest road

and a sweet-ass 10 points
for the win.

Uh, boo-yaw.!

Okay. All right. Guys, come on over here.
Gather round.

I want to propose a toast.

To our new Lord of Catan,

Ben Wyatt, a great friend
and a wonderful man.

May you and Leslie find
eternal happiness together.

Hey.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Thanks, you guys.
Thanks for indulging me.

Hey, you want to stick around? I
got a bunch of Homeland episodes

burning a hole in my DVR.

No!

I'm sorry. On principle,
I cannot stand idly by

and watch a bachelor party
peter out like this.

Now, I know you said no strippers
'cause they make you sad.

Correct.

Then let's go get
a drink at Essence.

It's the hot new bar
in Eagleton.

Things Magazine said
it's the next big thing.

But, Tom,
this is Ben's night.

Believe me, if the group's
happy, I'm happy.

I'd go.
lf you guys spot me.

It sounds expensive.

Just so you know,
it's not your typical bar.

They specialize
in molecular mixology.

It's kind of like an experimental
new way to consume alcohol.

Son, there's no wrong way
to consume alcohol.

BARTENDER:
Here's your Bud Light.

I ordered a beer.

That is a beer.

And here's your
Nimbus Martini.

May I go ahead
and chisel your aromasphere?

Please!

This is the wrong way
to consume alcohol.

Whoa!
That's a pretty stiff cloud.

Who ordered the Scotch?
Right here.

Hold out your hands,
please.

What's happening?

Oh, this is a sort of play on Scotch.
It's a whiskey-infused lotion.

Can I ask if this
entire establishment

is a practical joke
of some kind?

If you don't like the Scotch,
they have a vodka

that's served in the form
of a flash of light.

Hey. Having fun?

Well, four years of work down the
drain, and I have a penis on my head.

Jamm is stealing this lot
right out from under us.

My dream is dead, Ann.

Mine too.

This is why
I prefer nightmares.

You are sad drinking
right now,

and I need you
to be happy drinking.

Like when we watch
Grease together.

I know, Ann, but everything's
gonna disappear.

April's mini-dog park,
the "Li'l" Sebastian fountain,

even the Wamapoke playground.

Yet another piece of Wamapoke land
plowed over by the white man.

Just try to forget about it.

I mean, there's nothing you
can do to stop them tonight.

LESLIE:
For almost 200 years,

Pawnee repeatedly built factories,
restaurants, and other stuff

on land held sacred
by the Wamapoke people.

So we passed a law saying

that if any sacred
Wamapoke artifact

is found on
a development site,

all construction
must immediately stop.

It would be terrible
if that were to happen

on this future
Paunch Burger site.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, this is bad.

I should not have done this.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

Oh, I wonder who that is.

Well, if it isn't Babe Lincoln!
Imagine that.

Hello, ladies.
I'm Abraham Lincoln.

Who's the lucky Mary Todd?

Right here.
Right here.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Me first.

Okay.

All right, tear it up, 16!
Emancipate them abs.

(ALL CHEERING)

Come on, Ann, not now.

Come on, Leslie,
just loosen up.

I know for a fact this is
a sex dream you've had.

Looks like it's time
for the Gettysburg undressed!

(CHEERING)

Okay. And we're
gonna have to stop now.

I'm sorry, I'm just not in the
mood for historical nudity.

Please, Mr. President,
put your pants back on.

Ann, can I speak
with you privately?

Is your name Glenn?
Yeah.

I sat behind you
in middle school band.

Do you still
play the clarinet?

Yeah.

How have you been, man?

Man, if I ever
have a bachelor party,

lam definitely
coming back here.

You never had one before
you were married to Wendy?

No,
it was a green card wedding.

I did watch the three-way sex scene
from Wild Things a few times

the night before,
but it didn't really count.

I never had
a bachelor party either.

Me and April, we got
married with no warning.

I didn't even have time to take
a shower before my wedding.

(LAUGHS) Or after.

For, like, a week and a half.

Tammy One forbade me
from any kind of celebration,

and Tammy Two
thwarted me by calling in

a bomb threat
to the steakhouse.

I didn't have one, either! Yeah,
really, it's a funny story.

So two weeks
before I married Gayle,

I had
an emergency appendectomy.

Boop! That's me hitting
the snooze button.

Don't talk again
for another 10 minutes.

New idea!

Tonight, everyone gets the
bachelor party they never had.

One activity per bachelor.

Welcome
to Tom's bachelor party,

held in a white airplane hangar
from the ice planet Hoth,

replete with dangling,
beautiful aerialists.

To Tom Haverford.

ALL: To Tom Haverford!

(CHEERING)

And to my bride, Rihanna. We truly
did find love in a hopeless place.

Waiter, a round of light-flash
shots for me and my friends!

(GUYS CHEERING)

APRIL:
Okay, so what happened?

Well, I buried a bunch of
Wamapoke artifacts in the dirt

so that people would find them and
have to stop developing at the site.

You know, when I say it out
loud, it doesn't sound so bad.

No, that's bad.

Yeah, that's pretty uncool.

Shut up, Glenn.
I'm sorry, guys.

Councilman Jamm
was being sneaky,

and then I tried
to sneaky him back,

and it turned to crummy,
and I have to undo it.

I need your help.

You don't mean...
I do.

No. I'm not doing that.

You guys, the penis hats
cut your digging time in half.

I'm serious. Don't be afraid.
Use the penises.

Bachelorette party...
Whoo!

Perkins does it again.

(sums)

You know, I met Gayle
right here at Sherm's.

Hmm-mmm.

She was slender. Blonde hair,
big breasts, long legs.

Ugh.
not my type at all.

And what was it, exactly, that
led to you two hitting it off?

Was she ill,

or did your father witness her
father committing a crime?

Or was she temporarily blind...
CHRIS: You know what?

All that matters is that you
got married, and you're happy.

So as all-time best man, I suggest
we raise a cone to Jerry Gergich.

Jerry Gergich.
ALL: Jerry!

Thank you.

Aw, geez.

No worries, Gary.
(LAUGHS)

Oh, thanks, Sherm.

How did you have
that ready so fast?

I always make a backup cone. He
drops it about half the time.

CHRIS: Andy, you're next.

Any activity in the world.
What would you do?

Well, mine's impossible.

I want to see a Colts game.

I want to see the Colts beat
the Patriots 49 to nothing,

then I yell
at Tom Brady and make him cry,

then I hook up
with Dave Matthews,

and we play
Golden Tee for 10 hours.

...baby!

T hat' s a very
spasms dream, son.

Hey, Jim, Chris Traeger.
I need a favor.

I'm dead. I am dead. And
this is what heaven is like.

I knew it.

TOM: Oh, this is where
they play the games!

You're up, Andy.

Hey, guys!
Guys, come on over here.

Andy, I want you to meet
Indianapolis Colts owner Jim lrsay.

Andy, good to meet
you, my friend.

Thank you.
I love your team, sir.

I love them like
they're my own children.

You're big enough to play football
yourself, it looks like to me.

(LAUGHS) I can't tell if you're
joking, but I hope you're not.

This whole place is yours.

CHRIS: Jim Irsay
and I became friends

while volunteering
to mentor Indianapolis teens.

I gave them tours
of the state house.

Jim gave them Colts tickets
and autographed jerseys.

They preferred Jim.

Reggie Wayne. I can't look
at you, Reggie Wayne.

(LAUGHS) I got married in your jersey.
That's no joke.

That's weird.
But I respect that.

I'm a big fan,
Mr. Luck.

Okay. guy.
settle down.

Okay.

Mr. Andrew Luck,
it's every groom's dream

to catch a touchdown
pass thrown by you.

Could you do me the honor?

Yeah, let's do it.
Keep the spiral tight.

I'll try.
Okay.

(ALL CHEERING)

Touchdown, Dwyer!

Andy!
Yeah!

REGGIE: See ya!

(SINGING) Hey, yeah

I wanna shoop, baby

Shoop

Here I go, here I go
Here I go again

Girls, what's my weakness?

Men
Okay then

Let's call Ann real quick.
Rub it in.

ANN: Hello?

Ann Perkins!
Ann Perkins!

(GUYS SCREAMING)

We're having
the time of our lives,

and I'm calling you
to rub it in!

Really.

We went to an insane bar,

played football
with the Colts.

With the Colts!
ALL: The Colts!

Football!

Now we're going to a steakhouse.
What are you doing?

Uh, well,
we're surrounded by hot guys.

We're surrounded by hot guys.
Boom!

Oh, Donna just ripped off a
stripper's underwear with her teeth.

Whoa!

Ann, who are you lying to?

Shh!
TOM: No!

Can I take a break?
My hands are tired.

Uh-uh. We paid for an hour.
You gonna dig for an hour.

Gentlemen, welcome to the
Steak House of St. Elmo.

ALL: Yes!

RON: Tonight we eat
something's flesh!

I want meat!

Jerry, are you sure this is our table?
There's only four settings.

Excuse me, sir.
This is not your table.

Well, I thought you
said the Gergich party.

No, no,
I said the Gingrich party.

(GASPS) Oh, my gosh,
I'm so sorry.

Damn it, Jerry.

But you know what? Gingrich, Gergich.
I wonder if we're related.

I don't think so, Jerry.

Okay.

(RON LAUGHS)

One rare porterhouse, one rare
sirloin, and a rasher of bacon.

It's the Lord's work
you're doing, John.

I'd like four more glasses
of Lagavulin in liquid form.

That's not something
you really need to specify.

You'd be surprised.

So, bachelor boy,
how's it going with Diane?

Hmm.

I'm gonna be very
candid with you all.

I like her.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Okay, okay, okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)

There are so many things
that I could say about Ron,

but I think that the best man's
speech should represent the groom.

So I will just say...

To Ron.

JERRY: Oh, to Ron!
ALL: To Ron!

TOM: To Ron.

Just perfect. Perfect, Chris.

Here you are, sir.

And I thought you
might also like to know

that your meal has
already been taken care of

by Mr. Hibbert.
What?

ALL: Oh!

Hey!

What's up, Jell-o shot?
Hey, man.

Roy Hibbert.
Entertainment 720 reunion.

Hey, Tom.

I am not paying for that guy.
He owes me a lot of money.

It's true.

ANN: (SIGHS) Coffee?

Yes, please. Take extra
cream, 30 sugars.

I can't believe I tried to exploit the
Wamapoke for my own personal gain.

Well,
we got most of the artifacts,

and even if we didn't,
they probably won't find them.

Yeah, and if they do,
you'll just go to jail.

But you can make wine in your
toilet and fight people,

which is a super-cool way to live.
Oh, my God.

Tweep.
I Tweeped. I called Tweep.

Look, I'm telling
the truth here, lady.

We haven't found
any American Indian artifacts.

Or regular Indian.

Japanese, Muslim, Jewish,
none of those weird countries.

Weird countries?

Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

Wow, (LAUGHS) I'm so glad that you're here.
What's going on? Nothing?

Found something!
There's other stuff, too.

Arrowheads, more pottery.

I also found some
weird-looking gummy candy.

KATHRYN:
All right, shut it down.

This is a PR nightmare.

We can't do anything until the
Indian Affairs Commission weighs in.

This is (BLEEP) bull (BLEEP)

Okay.

Leslie, Ken Hotate
is right over there,

you need to talk to him
before the meeting

and come clean.

(GROANS)
He's gonna be so mad.

The Zodiac Killer never confessed.
Why do I have to?

Leslie, I want the Pawnee
Commons as bad as you do.

Actually, that's not true.

You want everything a thousand
times more than I do.

But we do not
want to win this way.

April, I wish you weren't
right, but you are.

You have turned
into a very beautiful, wise,

and fertile
government employee.

Stop.

It's kind of weird
when she just starts

raining compliments
on you, huh?

Don't try to bond with me.

Can't win.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, guys,
I had these T-shirts made.

They're not exactly a summary of
the party we ended up having.

But they're a good memento.

Madness indeed.

I love this!

Usually you can only get
board game T-shirts in XXL.

I just remembered.

We left Jerry back at the gas
station in Martinsville.

I'll go get him.

Ah, that guy's the best.

I feel bad he didn't get
to have his moment last night.

Hey, you know what
we should do for him?

Yeah, get him a pet snake,
but I keep it.

What?

In 1921, several Wamapoke families
were removed from their homes

so that Pawnee could
install a bumper car track.

In 1951, Pawnee made it
illegal for people to,

"Dance or smell like
a native American."

Why are you
telling me all this?

Well, I want to raise
the bar of awfulness

so that when I confess
something to you,

you have perspective.

Those artifacts found at Lot
48 were placed there by me.

I wanted to delay construction
on the Paunch Burger

and buy some more time
for my park project.

That is not great.

It sucks.
I'm very, very sorry.

I have great respect
for the Wamapoke culture.

And this isn't even
about the Pawnee Commons.

I just hope that you
can forgive me, Ken.

(sums)

Hey!

Hey, guys.
What are you doing here?

Congratulations. You have
won the award for Best Man.

Full disclosure...
I voted for Ryan Gosling,

but you came
in a close second.

Now,
you've never been married,

so you didn't get
your own bachelor party.

But let's look ahead.

TOM: The year is 2018.

America is thriving
under president Nick Cannon,

and tomorrow, Chris
Traeger's getting married.

Who's the lucky lady?

Maybe she's an upbeat gal
who's nuts about fitness.

Maybe she owns
a 'Mae bar 'm Snerfing.

Maybe it's April. Maybe I die.
Skydiving explosion.

And then you go marry April.

And it makes me sad,

but if she's gonna be with
somebody, I'd like it to be you.

Strange, but sweet.

Only I didn't really die. I was faking it.
And I come back.

I spy on you
from my red Corvette.

And I'm planning
to kick your ass,

but I see how happy
you make her,

and I have to walk away.
I have to. And I do, slowly.

In a rainstorm.

Okay, this isn't really in the
spirit of what we're trying to do.

But as time goes by,
it eats away at me.

You're out living it up with my wife.
And I'm alone.

In a cave.

Training.

Anyone else want
to chime in?

I thought you were my friend.
I thought you were my friend!

Okay, what we're trying to say
is that you are a great guy,

and someday,
you're gonna meet somebody

who's into all
the same stuff that you are.

You know, the old Chris would've
loved this super-fit health goddess

you guys are talking about.

But our great
adventure reminded me

that now I just want
someone that values

the important
things in life...

Friendships, passion, happiness.
And dimples are a plus.

(LAUGHS)

Aw, that's sweet. I forgive you, bro.
You take care of April.

After careful examination,

we have determined
that these Wamapoke artifacts

could not have
originated in Lot 48.

Boom. Knew it. LESLIE:
There's something else.

I would like to go on
record and say that...

Hold on, Ms. Knope. Please.

I would like to go on record.

Speaking as
a citizen of Pawnee,

I do not like
the way you went back

on your deal with
Councilwoman Knope.

It reminds me of what the settlers
of Pawnee did to my ancestors,

taking their land
without permission.

He really plays white people
like a fiddle.

Wow, it's amazing to watch.

You and Leslie had a deal.

If that deal is
not restored,

well, I believe there are six Paunch
Burgers in the Wamapoke Casino.

Perhaps it's time that we
revisited those contracts.

Is that a threat?

Why, yes,
I thought that was obvious.

Take the sign down. We'll wait
until everything's official.

In the spirit of fair play,

I suggest we put on these
authentic Wamapoke headdresses

and dance around the table.

Absolutely not.
That sounds highly offensive.

Does it, white man?

No. It's not offensive.

So let's do it.
You first.

So clearly,
this is not offensive.

It is offensive.

I am very sorry.

Take it off.

Hey, Wyatt.

Oh, hey, Shauna.

So I was chasing this story,
but it seems like a dead end.

Then I heard about your crazy
rotating bachelor party.

Would you mind
if I wrote about it?

Sure.

But is that really news?

To me it is.

A group of good
friends having fun,

doing nice things
for each other.

I mean, that's what's important in
life, and I want to write about it.

Hey, Chris.

Ben Wyatt.

And Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

Hey, Shauna's doing a story
on our group bachelor party.

She said she wanted
to write stories

about good people doing
nice things for each other.

So I figured you two might
have a lot to talk about.

You may be right about that.

Do you have a second
right now?

I have thousands of seconds.
Would you like to have lunch?

Are you a vegetarian?
A vegan? A pescatarian?

Not that it matters.

I like burgers.

Perfect.

Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh!

Three-ten, bullock!
Three-ten, bullock!

Give it to me.

ANDY:
How great a day was today?

Oh, God, I could die.
Greatest day of my life.

I met Andrew Luck today.
I met Reggie Wayne today.

met Jim lrsay.

I'm standing on the field.

Lucas Oil Stadium. And I'm playing
football with my friends.

(GUYS CHEERING)