All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E06 - Bens Parents (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

It's so beautiful
and sparkly.

I know. And it's a
non-conflict diamond. Aw.

When Andy proposed to me,
he gave me a ring pop.

But then he ate it first.
How did Ben do it?

Let me start from the beginning.
Uh-oh.

In 1832, Ben's great
-great-great -great grandfather,

Teodore Wyatt,
a bastard,

met a beautiful
seamstress from Antwerp.

Ben and I are
getting married,

and I've been telling
everybody about it.

I'm so happy I want to shout
it from the rooftops.

And she has. We've gotten
several noise complaints.

We're getting married!
All right.

Mmm.

The joy that lam
feeling right now

is profound and unmatched
in the modern era.

And I can't tell you
what it means to me

that I am the very first
person that you chose to tell.

Oh. Let me walk around with you

as you tell
everyone else,

so that I can share true
joy being spread. Please?

Hey, everyone.

We have something very
exciting to tell you

that you have
never heard before.

Ben and I are engaged. What?

And you're hearing about it for
the very first time right now.

(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, yeah.

Come on, everybody. How
about a little excitement?

Leslie and Ben
are engaged!

Nothing will ever
come between them.

Leslie and Ben...
(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)
What's going on?

Leslie and Ben
are engaged.

(GASPS)

Again? You guys!

Oh, yeah.
(SCREAMS)

Okay, T-minus six hours
until the engagement party.

Has you-know-who
responded yet?

Surprisingly, no. Larry
Bird has not RSVP'd yet.

Well, he kind of waits until the last minute.
That's his style.

Put him down as a "maybe".
Are you excited?

Yeah, totally. I just
have two small requests.

One, put Twizzlers
on the candy table.

And, two,
cancel the party.

Because you invited
my parents,

and they can't be
in the same room together.

Okay? Great.
Thank you.

"Ne" to canceling the party,
and "no" to Twizzlers.

We are a Red Vines family. You're
going to have to get used to that.

I know you're scared,
but I love you.

And this party
is going to go great.

Well, if there's anyone who can
bring my parents together,

it's no one.

No one can ever
bring them together.

My family situation
is complicated.

My parents got divorced 30 years
ago, and they hate each other.

Okay, I guess, it's
not that complicated.

Okay. You guys pretend
you're Ron Swanson,

and you're trying
to decide

whether you want to
invest in this company.

Be super critical.
You're short.

And here we go!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Tom Haverford and
Jean-Ralphio Saperstein...

Creators
of Entertainment 720!

TOM:
...proudly present...

BOTH: Rent A Swag!

What!

Parents, are you tired of watching
your middle-school-aged children

grow out of the nice
clothes you buy for them?

Then rent them
from Rent A Swag.

I own it. You rent it.
You wear it.

You clean it.
You return it.

I get rich. Wink!

Rent A Swag. APRIL:
Okay, stop, guys, stop.

JEAN-RALPHIO: (SINGING) Where
swag is my business (SHOUTING)

And the business
is my friend

Stop. Stop. Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

(MUSIC STOPS)
Please.

There's actually
a lot more.

But tell us
your thoughts so far.

It's the greatest thing I've
ever seen in my entire life.

No.
Yes.

It's terrible. It's
terrible, you guys.

I love you, baby.
You're so smart.

You're presenting
this to Ron Swanson.

Don't talk about any of your
old, failed businesses.

Get rid of that
stupid light show.

And definitely
don't use any weird,

made-up words that Ron
doesn't understand.

But the presentation's
tomorrow at 8:00 AM.

We don't have time
to start from scratch.

Well, if you do
any of that,

he's not going
to invest, so...

Your funeral.

Hey. I'm glad you're here.
Let's go over the plan.

Okay. You and I go stargazing
in Harvey James Park

while my parents slowly strangle
each other in the living room.

No. Your mom
arrives at 7:00.

We hand her a glass
of chilled white wine

and, oh, look,
my mom is walking over.

And they're both
educators and mothers.

What a fabulous
coincidence.

Then, later, Stephen Wyatt shows up.
That's your dad.

Yes.
He's terrifying.

We make some
small talk,

and 30 minutes later I show
everybody the big surprise.

The Knope-Wyatt
Unity Quilt.

Ben and I are weaving
our lives together,

so I have woven
this quilt.

It represents every member
of our new united family.

Of all of my metaphorical art
projects, this is by far the coziest.

This is amazing.

I know. I worked
really hard on it.

And, out of respect, I did
not include any images

of the only other man
in the world

who's as sexy as you,
Joe Biden.

Yes, you did, right there. Hmm?

Oh, well,
that's just a little one.

The point is this quilt is
going to unite the Wyatt clan.

It's beautiful.
And it won't.

(GLASS CLINKING)

ANN: Everyone? Before
everyone else gets here,

I'd like to make
a little toast.

My romantic life has been a
bit of a mixed bag lately.

And when that's the case,

it's hard not to be cynical
about love and relationships.

But it's couples like you that
give hope to the rest of us.

Leslie, you deserve the
best, and you've found it.

Ben, don't you dare hurt her.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I won't.

Don't laugh.
She means it.

(STUTTERS)
I won't.

Seriously, son.
Don't hurt her.

Okay. I'm not planning
on hurting her.

You better not be.
I'm not.

Hey, Ben?
You best watch yourself.

Why would any of you
think I would hurt Leslie?

You're all
my friends, too.

(MUTTERS)

This was literally
the most beautiful,

and moving thing
that I have ever heard.

(SOBBING)

There, there, baby boy.
Take all the time you need.

Well, sure, in a wrestling
match, Kirk would win.

But, overall, who
would you rather have

at the helm of your
Sovereign-class starship?

Jean-Luc Picard.
No contest.

Hey, your mom's here.
I need you.

Thank God.
There's my boy.

Hey, Mom.
Nice to see you.

This is Leslie Knope,
my fiancée.

Hi. It's really nice to
finally meet you, Ms. Wyatt.

Oh, please call me Julia.
ls your father here yet?

No fighting
tonight, Mom.

Don't worry. I'm going to
be civil as long as he is.

Frankly, after what he did
at Geoffrey's graduation...

Oh, I have some white wine
for you, some Chardonnay.

Oh! Thank you.

You're welcome.
Right this way.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, you guys. Come on in.
(SNIFFLES)

Ann.

Hey.
You all right, man?

The toast that you gave to Ben
and Leslie was so beautiful.

And I'm feeling very
raw from my therapy.

I'm so happy and so sad.
(SOBBING)

It's like a perfect
storm of emotions.

And, so, I'm hiding out here,
so I don't ruin this party

for my two amazing
best friends

who I love so much.

Oh! (GROANS)

There's no more tissue.
Everything ends.

No, no, no.
No, there's more tissue.

Everything goes away.

And I said,
"Rules or no rules,

"I just have to kiss
that beautiful face."

Oh, well, that's
a Knope woman for you.

When we see something
adorable, we attack it.

He is adorable, isn't he?
You chose well, Ben.

Thank you.
(GIGGLES)

So far so good.

I'll admit it. Things are
going surprisingly well.

And pack it up. It's over.
We're screwed.

He brought
his girlfriend?

He wasn't supposed to bring
his girlfriend, Ben.

Oh! Ben. Your father brought
his little plaything.

Hi, Benny.
Hey, Dad.

Hi. Hi.
(CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

Hi, Ulani. I thought
you weren't coming.

Ulani is my girlfriend,
and she's important to me.

And I need her here.

Ulani, hi, I'm Leslie.
What a wonderful surprise.

We're so happy
that you're here.

What the hell, Steve? They
didn't know I was coming?

We didn't know it was spring break.
(CHUCKLES)

Okay. Thanks,
everybody, for coming.

I'm so sorry you all
have to go home.

Hey.
Red Vines, anyone?

We're a Twizzlers family.

Okay, we are off
to a rocky start,

but we are
going to fix this.

Yes, we will. I called a cab.
It's outside.

I gave the driver
$100 to sit and wait.

So, whenever
we're ready to go,

like, maybe, right now, all we
have to do is walk outside.

No. I want to be here now
with you and your parents.

Help me make this work.

Okay, fine.
The best thing to do

is distract them
with innocuous talk

about the stuff
they care about.

Great. Like what?

Well, they're white
people from Minnesota.

So, hockey, fishing,
skiing, sailing.

And after a few drinks
put on a Prince album.

Don't mention the Green Bay
Packers or the state of Iowa.

And, also, I have enough
frequent flyer miles

to get us
to Australia tonight.

Everything okay? Yes,
slight speed bump.

Everything is terrible.

But I am going to fix it
with my secret weapon.

Okay. Well,
I will make sure that

everything else
runs smoothly.

Ann, you are such a good friend.

You are a beautiful, talented,
brilliant, powerful musk ox.

Thank you, ox, for keeping
this ship afloat.

You got it.

Guys, I need
your help, okay?

Chris is in the back room,
and he's crying.

Go in there. Calm him down.
Make him feel better.

Leslie and Ben have enough to
deal with, okay? Thank you.

Wait,
why is Chris crying?

Uh, he's emotional.

Wait,
why is Chris emotional?

Because he's in
therapy right now,

and it's dredging up
a lot of stuff for him.

Wait, wait.
Like, what kind of stuff?

Like, I don't know. His
friends are getting married

and he's not
dating anyone.

Why isn't he
dating anyone?

Yeah, why don't
you date him?

Because I'm dating
myself right now. Okay?

I'm trying to figure out
how to make me happy.

Ugh. Why is it always about you, Ann?
Self-centered much?

Just go. Okay?
Thank you.

Ron in 60 seconds.

Tom. I haven't
seen you tonight.

I've been working
on my presentation.

I just came by to congratulate
Leslie and then I'm heading back.

I admire the work ethic.

I'm always looking
for new investments.

Ever since I got my first
job at the age of nine,

I have put all
my money into gold,

which is currently
at an all-time high.

So, I have a certain
amount of money.

I've said too much.

Looking forward
to tomorrow.

Yes, about that.
I was wondering.

Is there any chance
we could reschedule?

I just want to make sure everything's
up to my world-class standees.

I like to keep
my appointments, son,

and I like others
to do the same.

Of course, yes. No
problem, 8:00 AM tomorrow.

I think you're going to be very
impressed with our presentation.

"Our" presentation.
Who else is joining you?

(SINGING) Ricka,
ricka, ricka, ricka

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

(WHISPERS)
Swanson

RON: Jean-Ralphio.
JEAN-RALPHIO: That's me.

I didn't realize
you were a part of this.

Of course he is.
He's my business partner.

(GASPS)
(BOTH VOCALIZING)

BOTH: Cling!

Business partner now and forever.
Hold up. Forever 21.

Twenty-one gun salute.
Salute Your Shorts.

Kaboosh! I just free-associated
all over the moustache.

That's just one
of many skills he brings

to this business partnership.

What are those,
shrimp? (GROANS)

Okay. Rethink that move, son.

Let's just drive back,
I feel weird.

Steve, you like
sailing, right?

Not anymore, since Julia got
the boat in the divorce,

and then sold it to a scrap
yard because she's terrible.

Well, at least
you don't have to deal

with all that boat
upkeep now, right? Huh?

Yuck. No thankee.

Let's talk about something
other than sailing.

Why don't you head in the other room?
I have a surprise that...

There she goes.

There's a surprise for you.
So, um, head on in.

I don't like surprises.

Okay, look.
You gave it a try,

but this quilt thing
is not going to work.

Ben, on three
separate occasions,

I have used a quilt
to mend fences.

In ninth grade, a quilt ended an
argument between my two best friends.

And a quilt settled the Donna-Jerry
parking lot feud of 2006.

What was the third time?

Right (BLEEPS) now.

Okay. I still don't think
it's going to work,

but I am really attracted
to you right now.

I know.
Let's do this.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Police, open up, we have a warrant!
Just kidding, it's us.

Ha! We got you.
Hey, Andy and April.

We have someone
who wants to see you.

Champion! Come here.
Hey, boy!

You are such a brave, good
dog with so much spirit.

You have overcome so much.

You are the most wonderful
dog in the whole world.

And I am so happy for you.

(LAUGHS)

LESLIE: Okay, everyone. I have
a surprise for all of you.

Voila!

(GASPS)

LESLIE:
The Knope-Wyatt Unity Quilt.

It represents our two
families coming together.

And there is a personalized
square for each member

of our joined family.
See?

Sweetheart,
this is lovely.

Thanks, Mom.

Where's my square?

Well,
you're not technically...

Not technically what?

Not technically
an adult.

This is a very thoughtless
omission, Leslie.

And as far as I'm concerned,
if there's no Ulani square

this is not
a legitimate unity quilt.

Oh! That old chestnut.

Okay. I will make
an Ulani square.

Very, very easy, okay. Look.
This is your square now.

What does "Ulani" mean?
"Cheerful."

Sure. All right.
Look at that.

Unity. It's that simple.
All we had to do...

I don't want her name
on my quilt.

It's not your...

It's everyone's quilt.
It's a unity quilt.

I think it's mean that you
didn't do a square for me.

It's a disaster,
is what it is.

You can say
that again, Steve.

See, Ben? They're agreeing.
It's working.

Okay. I'm thinking we junk
everything except the mannequins.

Ron's got to see how dope the outfits are.
That's the business.

Why are we going to Ron?
Ron should be coming to us.

We created
Entertainment 720.

It was a huge failure.
I don't know.

Look. A bank's not going
to give us a loan,

and Ron loves
my entrepreneurial spirit.

Trust me. He's our best chance
of getting startup money.

I hear that.
Let's go clubbing.

No, we've got to work.

Didn't you hear me say we had to
junk most of the presentation?

Tommy. I will always be there
for you, no matter what.

But right now, I cannot be there
for you because I have to go.

I hate to say this, but sometimes
you've got to work a little,

so you can ball a lot.

That was beautiful.
That changed me.

I'll give you 10 minutes.

You have to try to eat something.
Okay?

Mmm!

Wow.
That's amazing.

See? There you go.

This one's not as good.

ANDY: All right, Chris,
here's the plan.

I'm just going to list off happy
things until you're cheered up.

Pizza, the beach,
rock and roll music.

And I'll list terrible things
to bring you back down.

Smallpox,
botched surgery,

snails crawling
out of your mouth.

This is weirdly working.
It's evening me out.

Okay, keep going-
Keep going.

Laughter. Snails crawling
out of your mouth.

The beach. Snails crawling
out of your mouth.

ANDY: Cute cats. APRIL: Snails
crawling out of your butt.

Dave Matthews Band.

Dave Matthews Band.

Look, Dad, Leslie worked
really hard on this.

So, can you just cool it
for, like, 30 seconds?

Sure. I can.

But your mother can't. See?
She's ruining your quilt,

just like she ruined
our marriage.

Mom.

Oh, I didn't know
we could cut that.

It had to be done, Ben.

It absolutely did not
have to be done.

Look, champagne!

Yeah. Why don't we just forget about
the quilt and just raise a glass?

Yes. Toasts are fun. They usually
signify the end of a party.

Here you are, Ulani.
I'm good, thanks.

By all means, go ahead
and take it, Ulani.

Wait. Are you even
old enough to drink?

Yes, Julia, I am.

But I can't because
I'm pregnant.

You're what?

(MOANS)
Oh, boy.

I didn't mean
to steal your spotlight,

but the cat's
out of the bag.

Young Ben is going
to have a new baby sister.

Huh... Still firing bullets, son.
(LAUGHS)

I cannot be
in the same room as him.

Well,
what about the wedding?

I'm talking
about the wedding.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Wyatt family.

It's like the War of the
Wyatts out there, huh?

I mean,
it's so brutal.

Oh, my God.

Were you and Dad
ever like that?

Well, like any
married couple, honey,

your father and I
fought occasionally.

Sometimes, he won the argument,
and sometimes I won.

But usually, we forgot
what we were arguing about

and just had sex.

(SCATTING) Anyway, the
important thing is that

we always ended up
on the same team.

And in the same bed.

Ugh.

God, I miss that man.

How can you be so wise and so
inappropriate at the same time?

I'm a parent.

(SIGHS) I can't figure out how to
phrase this mission statement.

Let me get a shot at it. I'm
actually pretty good at this stuff.

(WHISTLES)

See?

You just googled
"Amanda Bynes' side boob."

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?
Why is your safe-search on?

That is amateur hour,
Tom. Listen.

We've been at this
for an entire evening.

I say, why don't
we cut our losses?

If it was such a good idea, we would
be millionaires by now. Hello.

Look, man. I believe
in this idea. Do you?

You know I love you,

but I don't think you're as serious
about this business as I am.

Oh, yeah, no,
I'm definitely not.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey. I got your text.
What are you doing?

I grabbed all of the brownies
from the dessert table

and four bottles of wine.
Get in the car.

We're going to Australia.
Leslie.

I am so sorry
for everything.

I love you and I want to be on your team.
lam on your team.

But I think that our team
should be far away from here.

Normally, I would get
in the cab with you.

But I am so sick of them
ruining everything.

And I really liked
that unity quilt.

It was a good quilt.

It was an awesome quilt.

Look.
My parents are insane,

but they need to be
at our wedding.

You know what?
It's time for this team

to come up with a new plan.
I agree.

Phase one of our new plan. You
get in the backseat of this cab

and we hardcore make out
for 15 minutes.

I would love to do that.

I'm just not sure if the
driver would be okay with it.

For another $100, you can
do whatever you want.

Let's do this.

Swanson.
What's up, my man?

(GROANS)
Are you kidding me?

Jean-Ralphio.
I thought you and Tom

were working on
your presentation.

No, I decided it was best if
I took my talents elsewhere.

Do you know what I mean?
You abandoned your friend?

God, no. He fired me.
Straight up.

Talked about how I wasn't serious
enough about the project.

How he needed
to grow up.

Anyway, I have an amazing
investment idea for you.

Condoms with pictures on them.
Pass.

Good. Smart. I think you
made the right decision.

Take care.

ANN: Chris?

Seems like
the storm has passed.

CHRIS: Indeed, it has.

I can't believe that I spent the
entire party in a room being happy-sad

on a night that means so
much to my two best friends.

I mean, you're going
through a lot.

You need to purge all this
stuff that's been building up.

This lesbian nurse
is right, Chris.

You can't keep
it all bottled up.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe all of my emotions

tumbling out like this

means that I can
get a clean start.

Well, for that, you're
going to have to visit

the bathroom first.
Right?

No.
Ann Perkins.

You are, without a doubt,
the queen of toilet humor.

That's all I ever
wanted to be.

This was supposed
to be a happy occasion.

You were supposed
to come here,

celebrate your son's
engagement, maybe bury the ax,

and not in each
other's back.

But it did not
work out that way.

So, here's the new plan. I don't
expect you to like each other.

But you have to come
to the wedding. Okay?

We'll seat you far away
from each other.

You don't even
have to socialize.

Yeah. In fact, we
insist that you don't.

But you do have to show up and
tell us that you had a great time.

That's the deal. You can either
take it, or you can take it.

I can take it.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too,
Benny.

Sorry, whatever.

Ah!
What a beautiful apology.

STEVE: Julia.
Guys?

BOTH: Sorry.

LESLIE: Ben's parents
are insane, but he is not.

He's amazing.
And that's all that matters.

I guess he might
become insane as he ages.

I should keep
an eye out for that.

Also, for the record,
my unity quilt worked.

So, technically, lam three
for three with unity quilts.

We only have 30 bucks left.
Let's go. Oh.

Okay.
Get ready, driver.

We're going to make out so
hard in the back of your cab.

Are you okay, son?
Did you get any sleep?

Not really. I stayed up most of the night.
But that's not important.

(EXHALES)

Let me tell you
about Rent A Swag.

No need, Tom. I'm in.

I like doing business
with serious people.

And when you removed yourself
from the company of that moron,

you showed me
you're a serious person.

You have your
start-up money.

Wow.
I appreciate it.

Tommy T, you just missed
the craziest of crazies.

Clubs. Girls. Dancing.
Naked. Mom?

Argument. Police.
Fleeing the scene.

Hiding in a dumpster.
Coming here.

Crashing on your couch
for a week

because, (IN SING-SONG MANNER)
technically, I'm homeless.

Hey, moustache. I'm going to hit the couch.
You know where I be.