Original subtitles

Hey- Hey-

Am I interrupting something important?

Impossible. l work for the government.

I just picked up the girls. Thought we'd stop by.

How are the girls...

BOTH: (SCREAMING) Hi!

Yes, they are. Hello, girls. (GIRLS LAUGHING)

RON: Diane and I have been seeing a lot of each other, recently.

She is a sharp, confident, strong woman. Her children are loud.

(SCREAMING)

Kung fu! (YELLS)

Here comes trouble!

(GIRLS SCREAMING) (ANDY LAUGHS)

This is fun.

Easy, girls.

We'll be careful, Miss Lewis.

I'm sorry. I got it. (GIRLS LAUGHING)

We just wanted to invite you to come trick or treating tonight.

I think I'm a little old.

Can we go, Ron, please?

ANDY: Please? You can come, sure.

But we have to go by 7:00 or else the good candy will be gone.

Sounds perfect.

Come on, girls.

(YELLS) GIRLS: Bye, Ron!

See you later, Ron!

See you tonight! (DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

What the hell just happened?

So, three bedrooms, two baths, nice big backyard.

But no trampoline room, correct?

Correct. Like all houses in the world, there's no trampoline room.

Mmm.

Ben is coming back from D.C. in 10 days and we are moving into a house together.

He would move into my place, but it's a scary nightmare hoarder nest.

His words. And Ann's.

And the official report filed by the Health Department.

You guys need three bedrooms?

Well, the master is for us,

and then the second bedroom is our office,

where we will sit at a two-person desk

and write devastating op-ed pieces about social ills.

That's a fun room. I know.

And what about the third? That's the Oprah suite.

That's where Oprah stays when she's in town.

But other guests can stay there, right?

I don't know. That's Oprah's call.

I'm just so excited that Ben and I are gonna be starting our lives here.

It feels like my future's finally back on track.

Martha, I wanna lease this house.

Great.

Thought it was gonna be more dramatic than that.

Hold on.

Okay, say it again.

Martha, lwanna lease this house.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoa!

Parks Department! Chris Traeger, city manager, friend,

aspiring life coach and recipient of Dr. Richard Nygard's award

for Most Improved Patient for my psychotherapy sessions.

Wow, that's great, Chris.

Congrats. Thanks, Jerry.

It's just a piece of paper,

and he only made it for me after I specifically asked for it

while crying loudly, but...

It sure meant a lot to receive it.

In honor of Halloween,

the city manager's office will be throwing

a scary movie night in the courtyard.

Tonight's film is the 1986 horror camp classic,

Death Canoe 4: Murder At Blood Lake.

Seriously? (LAUGHS) That's the best one!

I hope no one minds if I live-tweet this bitch.

I am coming dressed as my greatest fear,

because Dr. Richard Nygard feels that I should face my fears

instead of running from them.

He's very wise. I see him five times a week.

He holds my life in his hand like a fragile little bird.

See you tonight!

BEN: Well, Congressman Murray has an 18-point lead.

Calloway is out of money and has stopped campaigning.

So, congratulations!

(ALL CHEERING)

Great work, all of you! Yeah.

Especially me!

Especially everyone. This was a team effort, really.

But I was the best. Thank you.

You were all fantastic.

Most of all me, April Ludgate, the real hero. Thank you and you're welcome.

Actually, April, if you want, you can head back to Pawnee early.

Wrap a few things up and... Great.

JENNIFER: Whoo! That's an exit.

Gone, but never forgotten.

Who was that? I'm just kidding.

Well, everybody, great job! Once again.

Yes! Everybody!

All of you!

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Not bad, right? You know, I have to say, Murray really came through...

Yeah, yeah, this one's over. We won. Great job. Blah, blah, blah.

Let's talk about what you're gonna do next.

Well, I was gonna get a chicken parm and watch Blade Runner.

(SCOFFS)

Oh. Are you talking about, like, job-wise?

Yes, Ben, lam talking about, like, job-wise.

So you're a princess, too, hey?

Oh. For the last four years, everything has been princesses.

Every book, every movie, every backpack.

All princesses all the time.

(LAUGHS) That sounds fun. It's a nightmare.

Excuse me, I just have to file a quick report.

I'm applying to the police academy soon,

and the manual says I have to work on my observation skills so...

Tree, leaves, night, sky, hand. Andy's hand.

(BLOWING RASPBERRIES)

What else you got?

7:22 p.m. I got nobody answering the door at 143 Cedar Crest Drive.

Door's cold. Possible scenarios.

Grand larceny. Somebody stole the heater.

I think no one's home.

Why don't you leave the observing to the professionals, Ron?

(OBJECT SHATTERS)

Didn't see that.

Oh, no. Vice principal emergency.

What is it? I have to leave.

Some idiot kids were caught pooping on the soccer field?

Oh! Too bad. Guess trick or treating's over.

BOTH: No, Mommy, no! I'm sorry.

No, we can walk them around, it's no problem. I mean, we just got started.

Oh, that's so sweet of you.

Now, ladies, Princess Mommy has to go take care of some bad guys,

so you be nice to Ron and Andy, okay?

Okay, let's go to the next house.

I need to go to the bathroom.

I have no idea what to do about that.

DONNA: Uh-oh. (LAUGHS)

It's the death canoe.

Get your foot out the water, dumb-ass!

It's Blood Lake.

Now, I missed the first three Death Canoe films.

Why exactly is it a death canoe?

Does it tip over easily?

Read my Twitter feed.

I live-tweeted the first three this morning in preparation.

In the fifth one, the canoe's actually the hero.

(LAUGHS) It's a crazy twist.

Okay. Watch this. Watch this.

(GROANS)

"Hashtag, hilarious!"

Boo! Holy... God!

Come on, man.

What are you supposed to be, a ghost? Where are your holes for your eyes?

This sheet is 1,200 thread count Egyptian cotton. I'm not poking holes in it.

So, basically, you're just going as a pile of laundry? Sweet costume.

I usually do it up big on Halloween, but I'm having a bit of a cash-flow issue.

It's okay though. My next big business idea is always right around the corner.

Corner snaps.

That's not an idea. That's just two random words.

Hey- Hey-

You're the... The lady and you're the...

USA! Cool. Great.

So hold on, what does this mean?

It means Jen wants me to keep working for her.

There's a businessman in Florida who wants to run for governor.

Florida? They have sharks in Florida.

And swamps. And swamp sharks.

Do you mean alligators?

Maybe. Look, so are you gonna do it?

I mean, I just applied for a lease. We were supposed to...

I know, and I know this makes the future a little murky,

but right now everything's really preliminary, okay?

We'll know more in a week or so.

Trick or treat! Trick or treat!

7:34 p.m. Man dressed as a nerd.

Female dressed as crazy witch.

Neither of us is in costume.

Case closed. Candy, please.

Ron, Zoe broke my tiara!

We both have the same tiara. Now she has one and I don't.

Okay. I didn't mean to, Ivy!

Okay, well, let's just even things out.

There. Now neither of you has a tiara. Problem solved.

(BOTH CRYING)

Mean pirate makes little girls cry.

ALL: Oh!

DONNA: Right in his face!

"Sorry about your jaw, son."

That's disgusting. I can't watch this. Then don't. Go inside.

Dr. Richard Nygard says that I need to confront my fears.

And one of my fears is scary movies.

Another one of my fears is growing old

and paunchy, which is why I'm dressed like this.

Look, we all get old. Aging is a part of life.

(WHIMPERS)

Chris's therapy has been a blessing.

Getting body-to-body contact with him has never been easier.

Just when things start to turn around, they fall apart.

Now I know exactly how FDR felt after Pearl Harbor.

Look, you guys have survived this long.

Please don't let this ruin your night.

Let's have fun. It's Halloween. You love Halloween.

Hey, I know what would cheer you up.

Let's go wait outside the bathroom for Tom and scare him.

That would cheer me up.

Okay.

Ready and...

Boo! Boo!

(LAUGHS) (PANTING)

(FARTING)

Jerry, God. Gross.

(FARTING) Oh!

Jerry?

Guys, I...

Oh, God, I think he might be having a heart attack.

What? Are you serious?

(CONTINUES FARTING) Oh! So much stuff is happening right now.

Call 911. Okay.

Just breathe, okay? You're gonna be fine. (CONTINUES FARTING)

Oh, geez! Did a dinosaur just fart?

Jerry, get a grip. Sorry, guys.

(FARTING) Ugh! Apology not accepted.

Stop talking, moron.

I wish I could stop smelling. Dude.

Seriously, Jerry, did you eat farts for lunch?

Tom! Jerry's having a heart attack.

Oh, no, I didn't know that. Jerry, you okay?

(PARTS)

Okay, I got you some magazines

and those boring word jumbles you like to do.

Is there anything else you need, J? Maybe some Gas-X?

Ha-ha, Tom.

How is he, Ann? Give it to me straight.

He's great. He should be out of here in a day or two.

Is that for real, or are you just trying to make him feel better because he's doomed?

Well, nothing's for sure. TOM: Doctor, let me ask you a question.

Medically speaking, how would you describe what happened to Jerry?

He had a mild heart attack.

Yeah, but he also exhibited excessive flatulence.

Is there a term for having a heart attack while releasing so much gas?

Not really.

Gastrointestinal distress is common during a cardiac event.

I just want to hear the doctor say that Jerry had a fart attack.

Is that too much to ask?

Thank you so much.

Look at all the balloons and the flowers and the food and...

My goodness, you're so sweet to come visit this often.

Well, they did cause it. Hey.

JERRY: No. That's okay.

I'm glad this happened.

I mean, yeah, I could do without the massive hospital bills,

but, no, this was a wakeup call.

I'm gonna make some changes.

I want at least another 30 years with Gayle and my girls.

Don't worry, Jerry, okay?

You are gonna have the future that you've always planned.

Just leave it to us.

LESLIE: Okay, so I have arranged for the Parks Department

to throw a huge garage sale fundraiser for Jerry

to help pay for his hospital bills.

The Pawnee municipal employee health care plan is kind of crappy.

One time I sprained my wrist

and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing condition.

Babe, how much should I sell this hat for?

I don't know, 8 cents?

Honey, this is the hat I was wearing

the first time I ever heard Vitalogy by Pearl Jam.

Oh! $900.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Ron, you're not selling anything?

I am selling this table. I made it.

So when am I gonna meet your new lover?

I'm afraid things have hit a rough patch with Diane.

She was not pleased with my babysitting performance

and left me a very loud message on my cell phone.

I'm sure she'll get over it if you just say you're sorry, though.

I like Diane, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for a whole family.

If the kids ever wanted to come to my place,

I'd have to take a whole week off work

just to undo the alarms and tripwires.

Hey, that's my name.

Yeah, that's my Chris Traeger box.

All these boxes represent stuff

from different eras of ex-boyfriends.

Oh.

Here are those ankle weights I bought you that you liked so much.

Oh, we had some good walks in these.

If these ankle weights could talk...

They'd say, "Buy me for a dollar."

(BOTH LAUGH) Ann Perkins.

Recently, Leslie pointed out that sometimes when I date someone,

I kind of adopt that person's personality.

The evidence is fairly damning.

Chris Traeger, exercise phase.

Andy Dwyer, my grunge phase.

Tom Haverford, my needless shopping phase.

Also my credit card debt phase.

Ann Perkins.

LESLIE: Thank you so much for coming. Good afternoon.

As many of you know, Jerry Gergich, our friend,

has suffered a devastating fart attack, and we are here to help.

So there are some special auction items I will be dealing with.

The first item up for bid is an inscribed autobiography

from Pawnee newscaster Perd Hapley.

The book's entitled The Thing About Me Is I'm Perd Hapley.

Anyway, let's start the bidding at $20. $20.

Thank you sir, for $20. Do I see $30?

JENNIFER: Oh! Look at this view! KUTZWILDER: Thank you.

Mr. Kurtzwilder, it might be helpful if you told us

why you want to be governor of Florida.

Well, I guess you could say mine is the classic Florida success story.

Okay. I went to SFU law school,

I was working at a small firm in Orlando,

and one day, bam, just like that, gator eats penis.

Excuse me? Well, that was my first high profile case.

It was a classic Florida divorce.

Guy cheats on his wife with Dan Marina's masseuse.

One day she cuts his junk off,

throws it in the Everglades.

Why not? Damn alligator ate it.

And that case, that case made my career.

What a country. What a state.

Florida, a little strange.

You know, here, here everyone has a chance to succeed.

And now, all I want to do is give something back.

I want to help all of those people who are lucky enough

to have a penis-eating alligator fall in their lap.

It's quite an image.

Frankly, your path to victory is narrow.

Governor Scott might be vulnerable,

but you have very little name recognition.

Aren't you supposed to be puffing me up?

I'm considering paying you a lot of money to get me to the State House.

We're being honest, Mr. Kurtzwilder. It's not going to be easy.

But the Barkley Group is the best at what we do.

We're not in the business of losing elections.

We can get you where you wanna go.

I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert"

on all those Death Canoe tweets.

Also, "not safe for work."

You know, a lot of what you wrote was really profane.

That movie's 25 years old, Morris.

And if you don't like how I tweet, don't follow me.

What are you doing now? I'm talking to you.

I'm live-tweeting this dumb-ass conversation.

You like that coat? Yeah.

But $200? It's used.

I paid $150 for it, then added the scorpion.

You can't sell clothes at a tag sale for more than they're worth.

Umm, watch me.

(KNOCKS)

Got a minute? Sure.

I didn't expect to see you after the yelling that occurred.

Yeah, I was a bit stressed, but I'm not here to make excuses.

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for the way I reacted.

Apology accepted.

Do you wanna say anything to me?

Oh! Yes.

You look nice today.

You broke my daughter's tiara.

You ruined their Halloween. Don't you feel a little bit bad about that?

Okay... Um...

Too late.

Goodbye.

(CLEARS THROAT) Dude, you're totally blowing this.

I'm not gonna apologize.

It wasn't even a real tiara, for God's sake.

Well, relationship over. Too bad.

Oh, my God, you are so sad.

I am not.

Ron, she's right. I've trained extensively in the art of observation.

You are sad, and we know why.

You didn't sell your table.

And it's probably a little too expensive. Shh.

APRIL: No.

LESLIE: Okay, this is our final auction item.

It's a one-of-a-kind autograph from Mayor Gunderson's dog, Rufus.

Yeah, we need some big bids... (PHONE RINGS)

Excuse me one second.

Can you... Just... Okay.

Hey, how was the meeting?

Kurtzwilder wants me to run his campaign from Florida.

I'm not exactly sure when the job would even start,

but it would probably mean putting our plans on hold.

Well, I mean, you know, obviously you gotta take it, right?

No, I mean, I'm not making any decisions

until we talk about this and everything it would mean.

Look, I'm flying back to Washington.

I'll call you when I get there. Okay?

Yeah, okay.

Love ya. Love you, too.

Okay, come on, $60? MANI $60!

$55,anybody?

Oh. Hey, we're up to $60. Not bad, right?

Yes, Ann, bad.

You might not care about Jerry's future, but I do.

Okay? We need to do something very drastic so he can be happy,

so we can all be happy.

Hmmm, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Don't know what you're thinking,

but I'm definitely not thinking what you're thinking.

Good idea, Ann. Okay, we have a new item up for bid.

A wonderful surprise item.

An evening with sexy nurse Ann Perkins.

No. Yes.

Look at her, folks.

One evening with the most beautiful woman in the world.

Just dinner and dancing, nothing sexual.

Unless she's into that, but no, she's not.

Nothing fresh. Don't even try it.

But you never know, right? No!

No, she's not into it. Don't try anything, but, you know, give it a shot.

Either way, it's for a good cause. Let's raise some money.

Please, we need to do this for Jerry and his future.

This could be great, you know?

Three out of four married couples have

met each other at spontaneous auctions.

I don't think that's true.

Well, I don't know, I...

MAN: $100.

All right, what the hell.

Okay, we have a $100 bid for Ann Perkins.

$200. $200. Thank you so much.

$200 for the smartest, most accomplished woman I know.

And check out that bod. Can I get 3? $300.

$500.

Uh-oh!

$600. $700.

$750. $900.

Wow, $900 from the man with the tank top and the tattoos.

That's so great. Let's beat that, shall we?

Who wants to beat it? Anybody beat it, please?

I'm sorry, I'm out.

I wouldn't sell her to that guy, though. Just one man's opinion.

Okay. Sir, what would you do with your $900 date?

How would you, uh... What are you gonna do to her?

I don't know.

My cousin's got a kickass mud pit in his yard.

She could watch me do belly-flops,

then maybe we could get some Thai food

and a tank of nitrous and see what happens.

Oh. That's not as bad as I thought it would be.

I am going to bid a million dollars on myself.

Going once, going never, sold.

(LAUGHS)

One boom box, two sweaters down, $30 richer.

$30 for Jerry Gergich.

Oh! We got to give it to Jerry.

300 bucks. What!

Forget Jerry.

I'm gonna buy the complete Smallville box set

and live-tweet that whole bitch.

How'd you do? Terrible. I didn't sell one thing.

These monsters wouldn't recognize fine apparel

if Tom Ford slapped them across the face with it.

TOM: What up, playboy?

You like that jacket?

It's a pretty dope cut, right? Yeah.

Can I have it, Mom?

I could wear it to homecoming.

300 bucks for something you're just gonna

grow out of in a month? Forget it.

Wait, I can rent it to you.

Really?

Yeah, it's part of a business I run.

High-end clothes rentals for teens, tweens and everything in betweens.

That jacket is 20 bucks a week.

Done.

This is a great idea.

He grows so fast I never wanna buy him anything nice.

What's the name of your business?

Rent A Swag.

How'd you do?

I sold 12 bucks of Andy, 40 bucks of Tom

and I nearly avoided getting bought by a tattooed weirdo.

That would have been an amazing box.

I'll buy the Chris Traeger box.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

No, no. It's for a good cause and, somehow, reclaiming my own identity.

I think Dr. Richard Nygard would approve.

I'll ask him. I'm on my way to my evening session.

I see him twice a day now.

Great. Thank you.

I did buy a date with myself

so I might as well take me out to dinner. Right?

You know, it's none of my business,

but maybe dating yourself might not be such a bad idea.

No more of these boxes.

Start an Ann Perkins box.

I'm sorry, Jerry, but your future has been canceled.

We only raised $1,200.

Leslie, thank you.

That is amazing. No, it stinks.

It's not even close to what you need.

With all your bills, and the inevitable follow-up problems,

and the lifetime of chronic misery that awaits you.

I'll be fine. No you won't, Jerry.

Because everything is up in the air now. There's no security.

I mean, you had this whole plan for your retirement and your beach house

and now (SIGHS) your future is just a huge pile of crap.

Leslie, you can't actually plan your future.

You know, there's no guarantees in this world.

As long as the people I love are a part of my life,

I will be just fine.

Hey, you wanna stick around?

Watch some of my stories with me?

Tonight's strawberry Jell-O night!

Oh, my God, your life is so depressing. No, thank you.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Never seen anyone more tortured over good news.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to seem ungrateful.

I just... You know, I have a lot to consider.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Feelings and girlfriend and whatever.

The point is just yesterday you said to me,

"I'm never happier than when I'm managing a campaign."

I don't think I said that.

You didn't have to.

I watched you in Florida.

You were saying it with your heart.

Wow, you are really good at this.

Yes, I am. I'm amazing.

But more importantly, so are you.

There aren't a lot of people that can manage a campaign.

But, you, Ben Wyatt, are one of them.

So, just take tonight and just think about your future.

(DOORBELL DINGS)

Hello, Diane.

I have brought you flowers.

Also chocolates.

And some grout cleaner.

I noticed you needed grout cleaner, so I brought that, too.

Very romantic.

My kids are non-negotiable, Ron.

It's a package deal.

I know. I'm sorry, Diane. I really am.

I've been alone most of my life by choice,

and kids...

This is all new for me.

But I'd like to become familiar with it

if you give me a chance to prove myself.

I did bring the girls something.

I thought I could teach them to saw.

I now realize that seems dangerous.

Well, my boyfriend might not be moving back for awhile

so I have to back out.

Just wanted to look at it one more time.

You know I can't give you your deposit back.

I know.

And there's a $300... All right, Martha. (LAUGHS) I get n.

Actually, is there a way I could put down, like a...

Hey- Hey-

I didn't know you were coming back here.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God, what are you doing?

I'm thinking about my future.

I am deeply, ridiculously in love with you

and above everything else, I just...

I wanna be with you forever.

So, Leslie Knope,

will... Wait. Wait.

Okay? Okay,

Just... I need to remember this. Sure.

Give me a second. Okay.

Leslie... No, no, no, no, hold on.

Just... I need another second, please.

I need to remember every little thing about how perfect

my life is right now at this exact moment.

Okay.

(CHUCKLES) Are you good?

Yeah. I'm good.

Leslie Knope,

will you... Yes!

Marry me? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Great. (LAUGHS)

ALL: Trick or treat!

It's November 8th.

Yes, well, these girls didn't get a chance to go trick or treating so...

Sorry, I'm in the middle of dinner.

My friend, somewhere in this house, there is some candy.

Why don't you find it and put it in the pillowcases

these adorable girls are holding and we'll get out of your hair.

All right, hold on one second.

You having fun, ladies?

Yeah!

All right, I got some calcium chews

and a roll of cookie dough.

Okay, what do you say, girls?

Thank you! Thank you!

Tremendous.

Appreciate it.