All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E02 - Soda Tax (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

APRIL: Andy and Leslie
sent us care packages.

"Hey,Ben, just a few things
to remind you of home.

"Love, Leslie."

Ah. Waffle Mix. J.J.'s Diner mug.
New pajamas.

Wow, there's a lot
of stuff in here.

"Box one of twelve"?

"April, here's something
to help you remember

"our three-legged dog,
Champion."

Oh, that's cute.

"Also, you are way
better at laundry.

"Can you please do mine
and send it back to me?

"Thanks. Love you. Mouse Rat rules.
Love, Andy."

Less cute.

"P.S. Please hurry.

"I've been wearing a bandana as
underwear for three days now."

Look,
there's a picture.

BEN: Ah.

That's horrifying.

(sums)

(VOICE BREAKING)
I love him so much.

Okay. So, do you have the
results of the study?

Yes,
and they're great.

Your tax on soda would definitely
lower diabetes in this town.

And I have a great
prop for the meeting.

This is
the amount of sugar

that the average
Pawnee ten-year-old

consumes from
soda every month.

That is gross.
It's gross.

All that sugar?
It's really gross.

What a powerful image.
What are you doing?

What did you put in this sugar?
It's so good.

My first act
as a city councilwoman?

I have proposed a tax on all
those giant sugary sodas

so we can discourage
people from drinking them.

I believe with my help all local
restaurants can get healthier.

Paunch Burger, Big 'N'
Wide, The Fat Sack,

Colonel Plump's
Slop Trough.

Which was formerly
Sue's Salads.

Until we ran
that out of town.

Ah, Councilwoman, in honor
of your never-ending quest

to personally babysit each
and every American citizen,

l went to Paunch Burger and
got myself a Number Two.

Double Bacon Grenade
Deluxe, hash browns,

chili cheese fries,
and one poached egg.

Ugh.
"Number Two" is right.

I also picked up a 64-ounce
Sweetums SugarSplash.

Damn it, I love this
country so much.

Ron, I'm really
glad that you're here.

Our political
differences aside,

lam about to go to my
first committee Meeting

as a city councilwoman.

And there's something I need to say to you.
Please don't.

I know you hate
feelings and emotions.

But I would not be where I
am if it wasn't for you.

You hired me. You've
always supported me.

How can I ever
repay you?

Ah.
Get me a refill.

BEN: Hey, everybody.

So, I've been going
over your reports.

Let's try to be consistent
with our fonts, guys, okay?

There's a crazy amount

of random font differences
in these memos.

Yeah, people. Consistent font usage.
Come on.

Times New Roman
across the board.

No Geneva. No Garamond.
Definitely no Papyrus.

Papyrus?
Are you kidding me?

There's no place for that in a
professional office setting.

Yes.
Thank you, April.

These college interns really
need to be whipped into shape.

But don't worry, because they call me
Devo, because I can whip 'em good.

And obviously, make sure the
content is perfect, too.

Oh.
And 12-point.

Thirteen is just obnoxious.

Great meeting.

Out of the way, people! Motivational
Brigade coming through!

(HOOTS EXCITEDLY)

So, you boys are going to
go work out together, huh?

Nice.

Whereabouts?
Community College.

Yeah, that's too far.

Chris and Tom offered
to help me train

to become
a police officer.

The physical exam
is about three months away,

and I am in terrible shape.

But I can already do this.

So I'm getting there.

So, I've got a list
of everything

that I'm supposed
to be able to do

to get into
the police academy.

And number one is be able to run
two miles in under 25 minutes.

That's a typo, right? I mean,
that's humanly impossible.

When you are able to focus
your mind and your body,

anything is possible.

Anything is possible!

Ms. Pinewood. Recently, many
of the local restaurants

have changed their small size
option to a whopping 64 ounces.

That's correct. And it's
great for the consumer.

More bang for the buck.

Are we putting
bargains on trial here?

How could any sane
person call that small?

Well, if the customer
truly wants a smaller size,

there is an option.

Oh! Do you mean
the "Little Swallow"?

Does anybody buy that?

Some girls buy them
for their dollhouses.

But they're not
very popular.

I mean, for only a nickel
more, you get 64 ounces.

Well, uh, Paunch Burger
just recently came out

with a new
128-ounce option.

Most people
call it a gallon.

But they call it
the regular.

Then, there is a horrifying
512-ounce version

that they call
child size.

How is this
a child-size soda?

Well, it's roughly the size
of a two-year-old child

if the child
were liquefied.

It's a real bargain
at $1.59.

I'm sorry,
Ms. Pinewood,

but why would anybody
need this much soda?

It's not my place
to speak for the consumer.

But everyone
should buy it.

(GROANS)

CHRIS: Come on, Andy.
Come on. You can do it.

GO, go: go'

You can do it, Andy.
Dig, dig, dig.

(GRUNTS)

Yes.
Oh, my God.

I'm so hot.
That was horrible.

I'm going to die.
I'm so tired.

Everything hurts.
Running is impossible.

(GROANS)

What are you doing?

Tom, now is not the time for criticism.
How did he do?

Andy finished his two-mile run
in 29 minutes and 43 seconds.

ANDY: No!

I'm never going
to be a cop.

I'm going to have
to be a robber.

Oh, come on.
Hang in there, pal.

I'm going
to drive around.

Andy? I'm proud of you. (MOANS)

Not because of what you
did, which was terrible.

But because of what I'm going
to be able to get you to do.

I guess
I'm proud of me.

Thanks, man.
Me, too.

We have so much
work to do.

Oh, hey. Ellis,
have you put

the campaign pictures up
on the website?

Oh.

Yeah.
I started doing them.

And are you going
to finish doing them?

Nope.
Later, man.

(sums)

I actually think
you look really good,

except for the stick
up your butt.

Who do you think drew it?
Was it Nathaniel? Ellis?

Man, I feel like these interns do
not respect or like me at all.

Honestly, you could loosen
up a bit on the font stuff.

(sums)

And everything.
In general.

God, this is insane.
They're interns.

They're totally replaceable.
And I'm their boss.

I can just fire them.
(DIALING)

Uh...
Hey, Jen. Listen.

I'm having a problem
with some of the interns.

I'm thinking
of making some changes.

Yeah.

Turns out Ellis is
Congressman Murray's nephew.

Nathaniel is related
to Donald Rumsfeld.

Brittany's dad
is Ben Bernanke's dentist.

Every single one of these little
twerps is seriously connected.

So, new plan.

Instead of firing them, lam going
to kiss their asses like crazy.

Ms. Knope, this is
about consumer rights.

And if they don't want to
drink our delicious sodas,

we do provide healthier
options, like Water Zero.

Oh, yes, let's talk
about Water Zero.

The name implies that there are zero calories.
Like most water.

But in fact, it has 300
calories per serving.

Isn't that misleading?

The zero on the label

refers to the amount of
water in it, which is zero.

If you want zero-calorie water,
try Diet Water Zero Lite.

It has only 60 calories.

Okay. I think
we're done here.

Thank you so much.
Okay.

Oh, Councilwoman,
one more thing.

If your tax bill passes, local
restaurants will hurt badly.

We'll have to lay off
about 100 people.

You're bluffing.
She's bluffing.

Are you bluffing?

The second
your tax bill passes,

this press release
goes wide.

See you at the meeting.

"Leslie Knope Soda Tax
Forces Massive Layoffs."

Oh, my God, Ann. I need some sugar.
No. No. No, no, no.

I need some sugar.
Stop it. Leslie.

You stop it
right now.

LESLIE:
Okay, let's get started.

I proposed this bill,

but the issue has become
very complicated.

So, before I decide
how I am going to vote,

I'd love to hear
from both sides.

Who would like
to start? Yes?

Yeah. I work
at Colonel Plumps,

and word around
the Slop Trough is

they're talking
about laying people off.

So, maybe you could get off your
high horse and help me keep my job.

ALL: Yeah.

Well, sir, I may
vote against the tax.

Because, frankly, I don't
take job losses lightly.

DEE DEE:
No, I want the tax.

My husband started
drinking those giant sodas

and he's gained 100
pounds in three months.

Consequently, we haven't
had sex in 10 years.

I thought you said he gained
weight in the last three months.

Well, we have lots
of other problems.

Well, ma'am, my original
stance was that

implementing this tax would
be good for public health.

All taxation is theft.

If the government can
tax me, I can do this.

Grover, give that
woman her purse back.

There are a lot of
pill bottles in here.

Okay.

TOM: Been making some
modifications to the pace car.

Speaker system.
Mad Men bar. iPad dock.

And bam!
Orange racing stripe.

It's a perfect recreation
of Han Lue's Nissan

'm The Fast and the Furious:
Tokyo Drift.

Weirdly, so far,
no one has noticed.

I want to find something
that really motivates you.

Why do you want
to achieve this goal?

I just want to get a good
job for me and April.

Yes.
Keep going. Dig.

Okay, yeah.

Uh...

I love April.
I think she's awesome.

She's all I care about
in the whole world.

Yes.
Love and family.

(LAUGHS) What else
is there, really?

Nothing at all.

I exercise because
when I was a baby,

I had a rare
blood disorder.

And I suppose I need to feel like
my body is in tip-top shape.

So it doesn't destroy me,
leaving me to die alone.

Great! You got
yours, I got mine.

I'm going to go run until I puke.
Let's go.

BEN: Guess what's in
these boxes, everybody.

What? Pizza.

That's right.
Everybody chill out.

Take a pizza break.
On me.

Ellis. What's up,
my male?

Grab a slice
of "za", bro.

All right.

Hey. Dude,
you play Ultimate?

Yeah, I play intramural
at Georgetown.

Dude, so did I
in college.

Whoa. You guys
should get married.

We should play tomorrow
morning in the park.

What about the website?

Whatever. You can put
those pics up anytime.

We should lock down some tight disk grabs.
Am I right, Ell-bones?

Yeah, sounds good.

Yeah? (LAUGHS)
Better than working.

No doubt. No doubt.

All right.
Listen up, pizza lovers.

Tomorrow morning, pre-work
Ultimate in the park.

Everybody's invited.
What do you say?

Let's do it to it,
my dudes.

Okay.
Anyone else?

Yeah. If we put
a tax on soda,

I mean,
what's next? Income?

Sir, you don't pay
your income tax?

Whether or not
I pay income tax

is none of
the government's business.

No... Well...
No, actually, it is.

Well, you don't know my
name or what I look like,

so good luck finding me.

I think we should
tax all bad things.

Like racism,
and women's vaginae.

We're not taxing
anyone's genitals.

Then, what the hell
are we doing here?

Come on, boys.

Okay. Um, let's take
a quick straw poll.

Hold up green if you agree and
red if you disagree. Ann?

"The soda tax is good and will
help people get healthier."

LESLIE: That's about half.
ANN: Half.

Okay. "The soda tax is bad
and unfair to consumers."

Half and half. Thank you so much.
This is very confusing.

MAN: I've got an idea.

Maybe instead
of me losing my job,

you ought to
lose your job.

Let's recall Leslie Knope.

(ALL CHEERING)

Let's do this!

Nice catch.

Someone please tell me
we "Kodak'd" that moment.

Yeah, rock that scoober.

Wow!

You got it, Howie.

All right, April.
What's the score?

A thousand to seven.

Good sportsmanship,
bro. (GRUNTS)

Sorry.

Andy, repeat after me. Okay.

"I run for April."
I run for April.

Run for your wife, son.

"I run for love."
I run for love.

Players at your marks.

What do you run
for again, Chris?

Nobody. Nothing. Does
it really even matter?

Get set. Get at me.

Whoa!

Oh, hey. You okay? No.

There's something wrong with my body.
ANDY: What?

My legs aren't working.

I'm broken.

I need to go to the hospital
and see a doctor right away.

LESLIE: Hey. Yikes.
You look weird.

So do you.

That's a lie. You
always look beautiful.

Okay, well, I couldn't
sleep a wink last night.

So, at 5:00
in the morning,

I went to Paunch Burger
for a pick-me-up.

I couldn't decide what
kind of soda I wanted,

so I had them put
all six in one cup.

Do you know what it tastes like?
Disgusting?

Mmm-hmm.

How are you going to vote?
I don't know.

If I vote for the tax,
then I might lose my job.

And if I vote against it, I
might be betraying my own bill.

It's like I'm floating in this
giant river of ambiguity.

You know, I'm under a warm
waterfall of uncertainty.

Do you just have
to pee real bad?

Yes.
Yeah.

I've lost all
of my instincts.

I'm lost. I don't know
what I'm going to do.

I'm just going to have to wait
and when they call my name,

I'll do what my gut
tells me to do.

(GAVEL BANGING)

Councilman Howser.
Aye.

Councilman Howser
votes aye.

Councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?

(RETCHING)

(ALL MURMURING)

Gentlemen, it appears
that I have fallen ill.

Mayhaps, might I suggest
that we have a recess...

(RETCHING)
(PEOPLE GROAN)

Can we take
a recess?

Well, your pulse
is super-fast,

but that wouldn't
be out of line

for someone who drank and then
barfed up a gallon of sugar water.

Oh, I'm a mess. Everything's
upside-down. You know?

I mean, when I used
to just work here,

I was always
so sure of myself.

And now, everything
is different.

Oh, jeez.
You know what?

Do you guys know how to
dissolve super glue?

Well, not everything
is different, right?

Right.

BEN: Hey, Ellis.

Elbow.

El chupacabra.

Drinking coffee.

What?
Oh, it's...

It's from 40 years ago.
Never mind.

Hey. That was really fun
this morning, huh?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, totally.
(LAUGHS)

BEN: Oh, wow.
Look at that.

(LAUGHS)

Did you draw that?

Uh, nope, I didn't.

No, no, no, no, no.
It's really good.

I mean you're a...
You're a great artist.

I can't do this.
Look.

I don't care who you're related to.
I'm your boss.

And you can't keep
disrespecting me like this.

Hey, man.
I didn't draw it.

Your daughter did.

What?

Her.

April's not my daughter.
She's my friend.

Does everyone think
she's my daughter?

Whatever. The point is she
would never do that to me.

Sorry, Dad.

Ron. My rock. My
steady, guiding light.

Oh, Captain,
my captain.

Did you get that
soda refill I asked for?

I need you, Ron. Okay?
I'm in big trouble.

I need to go back
to those chambers

in 20 minutes and
I have to cast a vote,

and I don't know
what I'm going to do.

I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Ron.

The people at the public forum
said they might want to fire me.

So, what?
I tried to fire you.

(LAUGHS)

Okay, Ron.
Come on. Be serious.

I was not joking.

Here's your personnel file.
See for yourself.

"Brilliant work. Commendation.
Above and beyond."

Keep reading.

"Request for termination"?

You tried
to fire me once?

No,no,no,no. I tried to
fire you four times.

(STAMMERS)
What... You... Me...

Four...
Fired times?

If you need to boot again,
trash can's on your right.

Hey, man. What did the doc say?
Everything okay?

The tests and blood
work came back,

and the news is terrible.

(GASPS)
They found

nothing.
Nothing?

Nothing.
The Silent Killer.

Oh, my God. Chris, that
means everything is okay.

Why weren't you at
practice this morning?

Yeah, you should
have been there.

I finally hit my
minimum requirement.

Minimum champion!

I'm going to die
one day, probably.

Without ever having left my mark
on this silly little planet.

I'm going to die
an anonymous,

meaningless
speck of dust.

Wow.

It sounds like you're really going
through some tough stuff right now.

It's too bad there's not
doctors for your mind.

All right, well... Hey, I'm
going to go run some more laps.

Will you time me? Go.

He's kind of right,
Chris.

You were freaking out because
you were thinking about

Andy and his family,

and how you
don't have one.

Every time something tiny goes
wrong, you spiral like crazy.

Maybe you should
see a therapist.

I hope
I'm not out of line.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

You are as in line
as a person can be.

You are a genius and
an amazing motivator.

(GRUNTS)
What was my time?

I don't know, 43?

Yes! New record.

All my life, I have tried
to achieve external goals.

Run a four-minute mile.

Climb Mount Everest.

But before I can do that,

I need to climb
the Mount Everest

of my mind.

I don't understand. Why did
you try to get me fired?

The first year you worked
here, you drove me nuts.

I would say no to something you
wanted to do, and you'd ignore me.

Or go over my head
and do it anyway.

You were insubordinate,
stubborn, a pain in my ass,

and worst of all,
bubbly.

I was a dedicated
public servant.

Right. That was
the worst thing you were.

The point is I ended up
withdrawing all four requests

to have you fired.

Because ultimately, I'd rather
work with a person of conviction

than a wishy-washy kiss-ass.

Well, I had conviction because
I knew what I believed in.

But I don't know
with this new job.

I just feel like
I've lost my bearings.

No, you haven't.

You may have wandered into unknown
terrain, but you're still you.

You know what?

Are you going to pull
out some embarrassing

photo of me
from high school?

Take this compass.

All great
adventurers need one.

(sums)

Thank you, Ron.

And listen. As far as all
this firing stuff goes,

I will not forget, and I
will never forgive you.

There she is.

Here's that report
you wanted, boss.

It's funny because it has
30 different fonts on it

and you only like one.

Do you like it?
Yeah, it's hilarious.

Okay, I'm sorry I drew those pictures of you.
I was just messing around.

You may not take
this seriously,

but this job is
important to me.

And by the way, you
should take it seriously

because I asked
you to come work here

because I thought
you'd enjoy it

and I think you're smart.

But you have to have some
semblance of professionalism.

And I need you to give,
like, even a 15% effort.

Twelve percent.
Fifteen.

For God's sake,
I'm asking for 15% effort.

It's not supposed
to be a negotiation.

Fine. I'm sorry.

Fifteen...
(GROANS)

City Councilwoman Knope,
how do you vote?

Aye. Strongly in favor.

The Soda Tax measure
passes, three to two.

LESLIE: Yes, lam very
pleased with my vote

because I voted
my conscience.

And by the way, she's totally
bluffing about laying people off.

You watch.

Anyway, I may have made
some enemies today,

but that is part
of the job.

And who knows,
maybe in the future,

my enemies will
become my friends.

Stranger things
have happened.

Let's keep it down out there.
(BEEPS)

(sums)

Yeah.
I love cupcakes.

Ellis hates you
and he has herpes.

Hey,
what's your problem?

My problem is you,
Smellis.

Ben told you to
finish the website.

And if you don't do it,
I swear to God,

I'm going to murder
you in your sleep.

I know where you live.
Fourteenth street, right?

I'm going to get
a melon baller

and scoop your eyes
out and eat them

and your Congressman uncle is
going to have to buy you a dog

to drag your eyeless
face around.

(WHISPERS) Do you understand me?
(WHISPERS) Yes.

(KISSES)

Do it.
Okay.