All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E01 - Ms. Knope Goes to Washington (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

LESLIE: Washington, D.C.
Take a deep breath, Andy.

(EXHALES)

I mean, you can practically
smell the bills becoming laws.

Yeah.

You can taste the sweet sugar
of bureaucracy at work.

That building
looks like a boob.

LESLIE:
Yeah, well, it's not.

ANDY: Oh, yeah, I know.
It's the White House.

No. It's the Capitol.

My amazing lover,
Ben Wyatt, is here

working on
a congressional campaign,

and he took April
with him as his intern.

I'm here to visit,
but I'm also here to work.

Because I have
a very important meeting

where I am going to try
to get federal funding

so we can clean up
the Pawnee River.

It's a bit of a fixer-upper.

Romantic reunions. Government meetings.
Self-guided museum tours.

I mean, am I living
the dream? I don't know.

Did I also just
walk past a food truck

and buy myself
a waffle sundae?

Yes!

Now, take out
your guidebook.

Oh, I didn't
bring a guidebook.

Oh, I brought you one.
You did?

Yeah.
Thank you.

Now, throw it away,

because Leslie Knope is your guidebook.
I didn't...

I didn't mean literally.
I had some notes in it.

Okay. Grab the book and let's
hit the National Mall.

There's a mall? That's awesome.
I need to get some flip-flops.

Why are we having a conference room meeting?
Leslie's gone.

Ron has taken initiative and
he is leading the meeting.

(ALL LAUGHING)

He's not joking.

I wanted to let you all know
that I will be throwing

the annual Parks Department
Employee Appreciation barbecue.

You're going to throw
the Leslie Knope

Employment Enjoyment SummerSlam
Grill Jam Fun-splosion?

That's right.

You are going to oversee
the Popsicle-eating contest,

the slip-and-slide-a-thon, the
watermelon carving, the gazpacho-off

and star in a one-woman show about
parks rules and regulations?

Parks and Dolls!

(SINGING) I got your park right here.
Its name is Ramsett Park

ALL: And its gates are
open from dawn till dark

lam not doing any of that,
which is the point.

Every summer, Leslie
throws a barbecue

to thank the Parks
and Maintenance staff.

It's horrifying.

Barbecues should
be about one thing.

Good shared meat.

There will be
no foofy desserts.

There will be no giant
soap bubble guns.

There will be no adult
men in costumes.

And most of all, there will
be no (BLEEP) vegetables.

Well, Ron, can we at least
have corn on the cob?

No.

LESLIE: "In this temple, as
in the hearts of the people,

"for whom
he saved the Union,

"the memory of Abraham Lincoln
is enshrined forever."

Andy,
what are you doing?

Have you ever seen any of the
National Treasure movies?

Everything in this
city is a clue.

Nothing in that
movie is accurate.

A-ha! A clue.
Check it out.

I think that's just gum.

How do I know this
isn't a treasure map

just waiting
to be unfurled?

Because it's gum.

That's gum.
Yeah.

So, you can see that the color
changes about a third of the way up,

and it's when construction was
actually halted on the monument.

Leslie, this is a
really cool penis

but Ben and April
are meeting us

at the Smithsonian
in 10 minutes.

Let's talk on the way.

1776.
A nation was born.

ANDY: Which nation?

CHRIS: I offered Ron a job last
month, and he turned me down.

And it literally
broke my heart.

But now, I see that this
is truly where he belongs.

Way to be, Ron!

You're really
getting it done, man!

He can't hear me.

Okay, let's begin
the barbecue.

Hey, little guy.
What are you doing?

Oh, no.

Everyone?
Meet your meat.

No.
No.

Ron. Why are you
doing this to us?

Well, in my opinion,
not enough people

have looked their
dinner in the eyes

and considered
the circle of life.

This is your dinner.
His name is Tom.

(LAUGHS)

Burn.
Seriously?

No, I understand
that it's hilarious.

But that is his
given Christian name.

Tom is very smart
and incredibly loyal.

He's basically a dog.

A dog we're going to
cook, chew, and swallow.

Dude, there's kids around here.
RON: Good point.

Which one of you youngsters
wants to help me

drain the blood
from this animal?

If you do a good job,
I'll give you the bladder.

You can blow it up
for a fun play ball.

Hey, Ron.

You're not going to slaughter
that pig here, are you?

Not to worry.
I have a permit.

This just says,
"I can do what I want."

lam the director of the Parks
Department and this is a park.

It's not a Parks thing.

It's against, like, three laws
and a dozen health codes.

Fine.

Barbecue is postponed
until I can go pick up

some meat from
the Food 'n' Stuff.

Let's go, Tom.

No. Pig Tom.

(SNIGGERING)

LESLIE: So, I want to see the
History of the Girl Scouts,

and then Lincoln's pocket watch
and the First Ladies exhibit,

and everything.
I want to see everything.

Andy,
get down from there.

Hey, Leslie, is this the train
from Back to the Future III?

Get down from there.
I think it is.

Hey, buddy. Come on down
from there for me, please.

Sir, you protect our nation's
history and you're a hero.

Yeah. A hero with
something to hide.

Like probably
a treasure map.

Ah! Hey! It's so good to see you.
Hey!

Oh...

It's so great to see you, too.
Yeah.

Yikes.

LESLIE: Okay.
Uh, guys? Let's motor.

Guys. Guys.

Let's go get some astronaut
ice cream or something.

We were thinking
about maybe just...

Uh, maybe we were
going to go back to...

We were going
to have sex.

Okay.
You look great, April.

Sorry, hon. I actually
have to go, too.

No, really? I thought maybe
we could sightsee together.

I know. I have, like,
a thousand meetings.

But I just wanted to come wish you
luck before your presentation.

Oh, but you know
what you should see

while you're here is
George Washington's...

Farewell Address
Candle Stand.

That was the first thing
I was going to see.

God, I love you so much.

Come to my office
as soon as you're done.

Okay?
Okay,

And it was nice
to see you again.

Were you talking to my butt?
(LAUGHS) Yes.

Okay.

Where is Swanson?

Ann, I'm hungry and
my legs are tired.

(GROANS)

It feels like
I just exercised.

Just sit on the ground.

No, Jerry.

It's dirty and I'm wearing
my summer linens.

God,
you're such a baby.

Look, I brought a picnic
blanket from your house.

That's not
a picnic blanket.

That's a merino wool throw
for my Eames chair.

DONNA: Uh-oh.

Do I sense trouble in the
Haverford-Perkins household?

No such luck,
Donna.

Ann and Tom, A.K.A. Haverkins,
is stronger than ever.

Everyone said
it wouldn't last.

And it didn't.

ANN: Shocking that our drunken plan
to move in together wasn't a success.

Let's move in together.
(SIGHS) Totally.

No take-backs when we sober
up, though, partner.

No take-backs,
partner.

After the first day, we realized
we had made a huge mistake.

Huge!

However, everyone was
being so smug about it,

saying there was
no way it would last.

So, we're pretending
to still be together.

That way, no one gets the
satisfaction of being right.

Even though
they are, but still.

More importantly,
I bet Donna $1,000

that we'd be together
for another month.

I can't stress
this enough.

If she finds out that we
broke up, I'll go bankrupt.

Oh, my God.
Food. Food.

Yes. I am returned.

No. Not so fast,
Shirley.

I just have to thaw the meat,
season it, and grill it up.

So, it's going to be a few hours.
ALL: Aw!

No, Ron.

My tummy's rumbling.
It's scary.

Tommy's got
the tum-rums.

Ron? Chris Traeger
feelings update.

I am now feeling that your guests
are getting a little antsy.

Fine. I'll skip a few steps
and speed things up.

There you go. ls there at
least something to drink?

There's beer
in the cooler.

What about for
the children?

You can get water
from that water fountain

and use it to water
down the beer.

Why not just give
the kids water?

I suppose you
could do that.

Now, would everyone
please back off

and just let me
cook in peace?

These people are soft.

They're grill virgins.

But by the time
this day is over,

they will have been
taken by the grill

and delicately
and tenderly

shown the ways
of flavorful meat-love.

Mmm.

The first time
is so beautiful.

LESLIE: Ben and I
are a power couple,

like the Roosevelts
or the Clintons.

I've got a big meeting here.

Ben is off running
a congressional campaign.

I mean, the only way
we could be more awesome

is if we had our own
signature dance move.

Oh, wait. We do.
Three, four...

(VOCALIZING)

(DOOR SLAMS)

I'm Leslie Knope. I have
a 3:00 with Mr. Jepson.

What's this in
reference to?

I'm here to present
my application

for the Federal Riverbed
Preservation Grant.

Oh. Most people just mail
their applications in.

(LAUGHS)
I'm not most people.

Well, Mr. Jepson actually had
to step out for the day.

You can just add your
proposal to that pile there.

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry.
I was told I would have

a face-to-face
meeting with him

so I could make
my case for my town.

Does he have
office hours, or...

He's unavailable for
the rest of the week.

But you can just add the proposal.
He'll get to it.

Okay.

It's kind of
a special application.

You know, there's a CD inside that
plays the sound of a babbling river.

And I was going to play that
while I gave my presentation.

Uh, I was also
going to show a DVD

that had some images
of frolicking river otters.

You know what? I'll
make sure he reads it.

What city is it for?

Pawnee.

Is that Pawnee, Illinois,
Indiana, Iowa, Kansas,

Missouri, Nebraska,
Oklahoma, or Texas?

Indiana.
Okay.

This is amazing.
Look at this.

This whole place
is your office.

Nope.
This is my office.

Ben, you're fired.
It's my office now.

Boom! You heard the boss.
Scram, Wyatt.

Hey- Hey-

How did it go?

Um, I think okay.

Yeah?
Okay, I think.

Well, I have
a surprise for you.

There's a swanky D.C. cocktail
party at The Hay-Adams.

And I got us
all on the list.

Wow, look at you.
You're a big shot.

ANDY: Hey, Benjamin. How
fancy is this party tonight?

I mean, is it, like, a shorts
or a pants kind of gala?

Pants.
ANDY: Great.

Could we just real quick stop at the
nearest place that has free pants?

I know that Ron doesn't want us
to eat anything before the meat,

but I smuggled
in some candy.

Oh, thank God.
I'm starving.

Raisins?

It's nature's candy.

Now, they're basically grapes,
so remember to pace yourself.

I can't even follow my own advice.
They're so delicious.

Oh, my God. Did you put glitter
in the laundry detergent?

Oh, Yeah. I'm experimenting with
some new entrepreneurial ideas.

That one is called
"SparkleSuds. Dress Loud."

Tom, will you stop putting
glitter in everything?

This morning, you put
glitter in the butter.

"Disco Dairy.
Spread the Party."

No, that's not a good idea.
That's terrible.

Well, the target demographic
isn't angry, middle-aged nurses.

Oh, you know what?
Shh. Stop it.

Hey-
Hey-

I'm going to get in line for some food.
Y'all want anything?

We're good.
We're really good.

No, just spending a little
time with my baby girl.

Ew.

Get off me.

(LAUGHING)

ANDY: There's so much free
food at this party, honey.

I love politics.

Look. I made
a shrimp claw.

I'm really proud
of you, babe.

Now, put your used
plate in my purse.

I almost have
a complete set.

Really? Oh, my God.
You're so smart.

KATE:
They say it will pass,

but we'll only get $400
million instead of $900.

Kate works
at the Pentagon,

and Lacey works
for Eric Cantor.

What do you do,
Leslie?

I was just recently elected.
I'm a councilwoman.

Local government
is so important.

My grandma is on the city
council in her town.

It gives her a reason
to leave the house.

Oh...

Where did you say
you were from?

It's called Pawnee.

Pawnee, Missouri?

Oh, my.
That is so random.

I've been there.
It's totally cute.

Pawnee, Indiana. Pawnee,
Missouri, is a total crap-hole.

Ben and I both did some
amazing things today.

He scored a victory for the
congressional campaign he's working on.

And I was mistaken for Beverly
D'Angelo by a Japanese tourist.

So, pretty big day
for both of us.

Ron, can I have a burger?
I'm hungry.

For the last time
no burgers yet.

I've got ribs and
I've got beef cheek.

Ron, where are
my vegan soy patties?

I gave them to the kids.
They love them.

They're skipping
them across the pond.

Donna, I've got to go
to the boys' room.

Can I have a ride in your car?
Absolutely not.

This barbecue stinks.

I'm saying it.
It stinks.

Do you have any
plates or anything?

I mean, how are we supposed
to eat these rumps?

Ron, if no one takes
me to the bathroom,

I'm just going to have
to go in the trees.

All right.
Forget it.

You have ruined a
perfectly good barbecue

with your demands
and chatter.

Enjoy the rest
of your evening.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Does anybody feel
like they can't breathe?

I think I need
some fresh air.

We're outside.

God, these women.

They're so smart and
accomplished and pretty.

And they're tall.
Why are they all so tall?

It's like C-SPAN and Neiman
Marcus had kids or something.

Hey. So, there's a couple more
people I want you to meet.

Oh, great. I can't wait to meet,
like, five more tall women.

BEN: Excuse me,
Senators?

Ben Wyatt, from Congressman
Murray's campaign?

Ben, I remember you
from the Kennedy Center.

That's right. I wanted to introduce
my friend, Leslie Knope.

Senators Barbara Boxer
and Olympia Snowe.

Pleasure to meet you.
How do you do?

So, Leslie,
what do you do?

I am a city councilwoman
from Pawnee, Indiana.

But you've probably
never heard of us.

We're small and unimportant.

I'm sure
that's not true.

But it is. We've got
tons of problems.

We're overrun with raccoons
and obese toddlers.

Anyway,
I'm probably boring you.

I just wanted to say that
you are my role models

and you are incredibly
amazing women,

and it is an honor
to meet you,

and I really respect
your grace under pressure.

And thank you
for your time.

Excuse me, Senators.

Uh, Leslie?

Hello?

What's going on?
Nothing. (SIGHS)

I'm just tired. Okay?

I saw 24 historical
sites in a day.

And it's 120 degrees
out with 200% humidity,

because this is
a stupid swamp town.

Okay. That would
make anyone cranky.

I'm not cranky.
Okay.

I thought you'd enjoy
meeting numbers 4 and 26

on Leslie's
List of Amazing Women.

I do. I did.

You're the most
amazing boyfriend ever.

And if you don't
get out of here soon,

I'm going to punch
you in the face.

Journal needs a quote
for the profile.

(sums)

It's fine. Just go.

I'll see you
at your apartment later.

This is Ben Wyatt.

Excuse me. I just need
to get my coat here.

Could you give me
a minute here, please?

Are you okay? Can I
get you anything?

I would like you
to just leave

and give me a little
privacy here, please.

All right.
I'm sorry.

I hope everything's okay.

(sums)

Nosy people have no respect
for personal space.

Ann. What the hell?

(LAUGHS)

I put glitter in all your
moisturizers and lotions.

I'm calling it
"SparkleSkin by Annie.

"Twinkle, Twinkle,
Big Star." Ann.

That is an amazing idea,
and I will buy it from you.

But never do that again.

That was really
expensive moisturizer.

Yeah, well, you ruined
all of my clothes.

Well, then, I did you a huge
favor, because they stink.

Are you serious?
Yes.

Oh, hello, lovers.

Tom. You're amazing.

Kiss me more.

Uh-huh. All right.
Enough of this.

Y'all broke up a long time
ago, didn't you? TOM: No.

We're stronger
than ever. So...

It's all right. I'm going
to let y'all have this one.

As someone who has lied
a lot about various aspects

of a myriad
of relationships,

I respect the effort
you've gone to.

Let's call off the bet.

Thanks, Donna.

No problem.

I guess that's it.
Yep.

The end of
a relationship,

and the beginning
of a partnership.

Let's talk sparkles kin.

Do we know anyone in Product
Development over at Sephora?

Goodbye, Tom.

Here's a picture of me and April
making out in her apartment.

Here's a picture of us
making out in Ben's office.

This is a picture of...
This is us making out...

I don't know where that
is, but you can tell that

she's sucking
on my lip.

(LAUGHS)

Traveling.

Making out...
You okay, boss?

No, not really.

I know I should be focusing
on this river cleanup,

but all I keep
thinking about is Ben

laughing in a helicopter
with Hot Rebecca.

Who's Hot Rebecca?
(SIGHS)

She's just this jealousy
amalgam I created.

I combined all of the
giant, dark-haired

smartphone power
Goddesses

into one woman called Hot Rebecca.
Oh.

I mean, Ben's life
is filled with Senators

and briefings
and Super PACs.

I can't even get a meeting
with some bureaucrat.

(LAUGHS) I don't know what
a bureaucrat is. Yeah.

Everything is going to
be fine with you and Ben

because if I know Ben,
he, too, is an amalgam.

No.
Yeah.

Point is you're better
than Hot Rebecca.

You're Kickass Leslie.

Long distance relationships
are never easy,

but you never,
ever give up on stuff.

(SIGHS) Thanks.

That's what makes you...

Nope.
...an amalgam.

Nailed it.

Ron, award'?

Mmm.

Are you aware of what's going
on out in your department?

I am.

My department is pouting because
I didn't put on a puppet show

based on the funniest
email chain of the year.

I would have liked
to have seen that show.

My nomination was
"Jerry accidentally

"forwards his bank
statement to everyone."

(LAUGHS) Classic.
And depressing.

The point of a barbecue is not
to do hokey office-joke theater.

The point is...

The point of the barbecue was
to thank the department.

It was an Employee
Appreciation barbecue.

Ron, I gave
you the chance

to become Assistant
City Manager,

and you chose to stay
here, which is fine.

But if you're going
to lead the department,

you occasionally have
to lead the department.

And I say that as one of
your closest colleagues

and dearest friends.

But also as your boss.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I went to our nation's
capital this weekend

in order to apply for a federal
grant to clean up our city's river.

But things move pretty
slow in Washington,

and I'm not going
to wait around.

And I was recently
reminded by someone

that I'm not
the type of person

to shy away
from hard work.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

What? Did I... Do you need
something from me right now?

No. No.
Never mind.

Point is I'm going to clean
up this river by myself.

Every Saturday from 8:00 a.m.
to 10:00 a.m., I will be here.

Those are my office hours.

If you want to come
and talk to me

or ask me questions
or raise an issue,

this is where I'll be.

Let's get to work,
Pawnee.

Oh, my God. The smell is so much
worse when you get up close.

Yeah. Oh! Look.
A handgun!

I call it!
Holy...

Whoa!

Everyone,
get in here now!

Your work is appreciated.

Eat some corn.

ANN: Thanks, Ron.
Thank you, Ron.

TOM: Thanks, Ron.
Thanks, Ron.

Also, here's Tom.

Ah!

It actually smells
really delicious.

It really does.

Give me some of Tommy's ribs.
JERRY: Oh, heck, yeah.

ANN: Sorry, Tom.

DONNA: Oh, my God.
TOM: That's good.

I mean, if I had known it didn't go
well with the guy from Interior...

No, no, no.
You did nothing wrong.

I am so happy for you, and
how much everyone loves you

and how great you're doing.

I just freaked out.
I'm sorry.

Long distance sucks.

It does.
But we can do this, right?

Yeah, definitely.

Can you come
visit next month?

We can take a proper
tour of the sights.

There's only one sight
I want to see right now.

All right. I mean, this is getting weird.
But, there it is.

I meant the Jefferson
Memorial, you perv!

Right. Sorry. Sorry. I don't...
I'm just...

Wait. No, you didn't.

No, I didn't.

(LAUGHS) Spin it around
and back it on up.

All right.

The White House, America's
most whitest house.

Most notably is where Sinbad
lived in the film, First Kid.

Sinbad. Wow.

The other tour guide never
said anything about that.

Do you know why it's
called the Oval Office?

No.
Because of a man.

Oval Redenbacher.

What?
The popcorn inventor.

He used to hang out
with John F. Kennedy.

Excuse me.
Attention, everyone!

This tour guide
is the most amazing

tour guide
there ever was.

Please. Step up.

$200 cash up front.