Original subtitles

Okay, everybody. Big, big news.

Leslie, would you like to do the honors?

No, I think you should deliver the news.

Yeah, but you're the candidate.

Yeah, but you're the brilliant campaign manager.

But you're the cutest.

I love you. I love you, too.

Hey. Were you going to tell us something?

Right, Oh, yeah.

The latest poll has us only two points behind Bobby Newport.

Two points!

I know. You guys, we only have one more day to close the gap,

and we are gonna do so in a one-time campaign blitz

aboard the SS Knope.

This is going to be our home for the next 24 hours.

And if we win, hopefully, it will be the home that Ben and I share forever.

Uh, what? It was just an idea I had.

We don't have to do it. Whatever. We can talk about it.

Okay. Here we go.

We've come so far. I want this so bad, I can taste it.

When I close my eyes, I can picture

the flash of the cameras at my swearing-in.

And I can hear the sound of the applause when I take my oath.

And I can see, in the crowd,

President Obama smiling at me.

He made it. I didn't think he would come, but he made it.

Hey, buddy.

A few days ago, on a routine campaign stop in downtown Pawnee,

one Leslie Knope, pause, was attacked...

Play-

By a pie.

Luckily, it only hit Jerry, so no damage was done.

Play. The only evidence we have is the video shot by... Pause.

My wife, April Ludgate.

This is Bert Macklin's greatest assignment yet.

If you are watching, perpetrator...

Just know that you are still at large.

Okay, listen up, folks. We have a security situation here.

As you know, when we reach the location,

I will be conducting a security sweep.

Also, from now on, we'll be using code names.

You can address me as Eagle One.

Ann, code name, Been There, Done That.

April is Currently Doing That.

Donna is It Happened Once in a Dream.

Chris, code name, If I Had to Pick a Dude.

Ben is...

Eagle Two.

Oh, thank God.

No, please. Come on.

We have a problem.

The vans we rented to take senior citizens to the polls tomorrow

are now, quote, "No longer available."

What? I thought we locked those vans down, like, a week ago.

Yeah, we worked really hard to get those seniors back on our side

after that ramp debacle. I really need their votes.

Okay, last second problems like this always crop up.

But the team can handle it, right? Right?

Right. Yes.

Okay, so, Tom, go down there and get those vans back.

I'll use my legendary Haverford charm.

I have total faith in you.

Take Donna with you. Ron, you go, too.

April, you are a very intelligent and savvy young woman.

I do not think of you as just a gofer.

But right now, I need you to get me

a triple espresso with eight sugars.

Okay.

I'm on it. I'll go. I'm going.

Please, I can go. I don't mind.

It's better than listening to her stump speech for a millionth time.

No. I will do it. I have to do it. I need to do it. Goodbye.

This has been a difficult year for me, romantically.

Millicent Gergich, Ann Perkins, Andy's professor.

Lots of disappointment.

But if I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times,

I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

the next City Councilor of the great city of Pawnee, Leslie Knope.

This is Eagle One. Been There, Done That is leaving the stage.

I'd Be Lying If I Said I Hadn't

Thought About It is in position.

What do we want for our city?

I'll tell you what I want.

I want better schools.

I want cleaner streets.

I want to expel the violent gangs of geese in Detweiler Square.

And I will finally eliminate this city's libraries.

In the last few weeks, we've turned this campaign

into a well-oiled machine.

Leslie's stump speech is 10 minutes and 40 seconds every time.

Here, check this out.

There will be a big laugh right now.

And now, a two-second awkward silence

after Leslie does her Rodney Dangerfield impression.

I tell you, these geese don't give me no respect.

No respect at all.

She insists on trying it every time, and it never works.

But the rest of the speech, fantastic.

When I was building parks,

helping the community and putting together the Harvest Festival,

where was Bobby?

He and his father, Nick Newport,

were exploiting this city for their personal gain.

Eating candy fed to them by their butler.

Candy that was made by the hardworking people of this town.

You deserve more.

Here's the best part. Watch what happens when she says,

"Together, we can build a better Pawnee."

Everybody says they care about the issues,

but at the end of the day, all anyone really wants

is free clothing shot at them from a cannon.

I've been staring at this board for days.

I'm so close to putting it together.

There's got to be something we missed.

Well, let's go over this again.

The video shows that the pie came from a high angle.

So, it would have hit your face...

Like this.

Mmm-hmm.

Don't close your eyes.

No. No, it actually was from up higher.

Is that about right? Yeah.

Good. Clean yourself up. Let's do this again.

I assumed this was obvious,

but in the future, I'd prefer

not to be a part of any conversation

about which body oil is best.

Lavender. Toasted marshmallow.

Are you joking? I really can't tell if you're joking right now.

Okay, I let you have your sandwich,

but I don't wanna see any shreds of meat on my floor.

I leave no meat behind.

It's an honor thing. Can I have my shoes back?

Wait till you exit the car.

I have to protect my floor mats.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, the stage is all set, and we are

thirty seconds ahead of schedule.

Thirty seconds ahead of schedule.

Nice!

You guys synchronized your watches, didn't you?

Yeah, well, it's not much of a machine, Ann,

if the parts aren't synchronized.

Yes.

While I was morally opposed to the amount of sugar added,

I did get Leslie her coffee,

and some green tea and Agave in case she changes her mind.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No one gets near Leslie without my say so.

Andy, it's me.

I messed up once, I have to be extra-safe now.

You can always tell when someone's lying

by looking into their eyes. Let me look into your eyes.

Oh, my God, they're beautiful.

Your story checks out. Get out of here, kid.

Hey, Bill. Tom Haverford from the Knope campaign.

Hey, you brought the whole posse with you, huh?

I'm not changing my mind.

We already paid for those vans, Mr. Butler.

$900 for one day.

Yeah, it was $900, but now it's $10,000.

Excuse me?

The Newport campaign offered me 10 grand

to just rent the vans and park them somewhere,

so I'm gonna tear up your contract, and I'm gonna take the money.

Anything else? No?

Great.

Well, what now?

He's just playing hardball Let me tell you how it's gonna go down.

In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands

and then, bam! I start crying.

We need the vans so bad.

Please give us the vans. Please. We need the vans.

And if elected, I promise to stop the Newports and Sweetums

from blatantly dumping contaminants into the Pawnee River.

Leslie, can you comment on Bobby's father, Nick Newport?

Nick Newport has been intimidating

and bullying and poisoning this town for years.

Frankly, he's a real jerk.

And if he thinks he can buy this election for his son, he's wrong.

Sorry. I meant, can you comment

on Nick Newport dying earlier today?

He died?

I---

Sad.

Is that your official statement? "I sad"?

No. My official statement is,

that is, overall, a bummer.

Oh.

And together, we can build a better Pawnee.

No. This isn't the time. No, guys.

Frankly, he's a real jerk.

Harsh words. But this reporter does love those T-shirt cannons.

Now, Jen, what are your thoughts about all of this?

This is not a time for politics.

I am calling on Leslie Knope

to cancel all of her campaign events

out of respect for the Newport family.

Anything else would be a classless move.

On par with spray-painting nipples on the Lincoln Memorial.

Okay, emergency meeting. I need everyone to gather around me,

in order of how much I trust them.

Here's the situation. A man has died.

But that man is 98 years old, and he's an awful man.

However, he is a man, and he died.

Also, you called the dead man a jerk.

However, he was a jerk.

He put a lot of people out of work,

he had tons of mistresses, he polluted this town.

Okay, Ben. What do we do?

Okay. It's unfortunate, but the stakes are too high.

We can't just stop campaigning. We stop, we lose.

Good answer, great body.

Ann, try to beat what he said.

I'm not gonna beat him.

Not with that attitude.

Okay, fine. I think you should stop.

At least until you apologize to Bobby in person.

April? l wasn’t listening,

but I strongly disagree with Ann.

Andy?

If the guy...

Okay.

I absolutely think that we should keep campaigning.

The worst possible thing we could do would be to stop.

Because if the campaign stops, we all stop.

And stopping is certain death. Who wants a panini?

Anyone? Everyone? I'm gonna say everyone.

All right.

All right, Leslie. What's your call?

Ann, there is nothing harder in the entire world

than saying no to your beautiful face.

But I'm going to. No. We're going to keep campaigning. Okay?

But we're going to do it in a classy and respectful way

to get Ann off of our backs.

What's next on the schedge?

If you let Newport have the vans, they just sit there in a lot.

If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day.

Free publicity. Everyone will see your logo.

Which is you all pressed up on some chick with huge cans.

Yeah. It was a hell of a day.

People need to know about it.

And I don't need free publicity.

I can just pay for it.

With my $10,000.

Look. I ain't going to try to play a player.

You're trying to get beaucoup bucks, just like the rest of us.

So, how about this? I have a business idea

for a gourmet alcoholic yogurt.

I call it Yogurt Platinum.

I'll let you in on the ground floor.

And let me tell you, it's going to be worth way more than 10 grand.

Yeah, but now that I know your bad idea,

I can start the company myself.

With my $10,000.

No, you can't do that. Ron.

Tom, Donna, could you please give us a moment?

I'd like to talk to Bill man-to-man.

He's gonna steal Yogurt Platinum.

No, I'm not.

5-15, 256. Got a 3-33.

Copy that.

Andy Dwyer.

Er... Bert Macklin.

Eagle One.

We need to see your security plan.

This is a elementary school.

My security plan is to stand right here. Hmm.

Sounds good.

Looks like you got this post.

You see anything suspicious, you just let me know immediately.

Okay? Nope

That's cool.

Dude, what are you doing?

Washing the bus.

I have something I need to take my mind off of.

Do you need something?

Would you like to give me something to do?

Please. Please, April, please.

Hey!

Thank you, April.

When you're done, go get Jerry another milkshake.

And then give it to me and I will throw it on the bus again.

"We're all your friends," said Mr. Bacon. "Welcome home." The end.

And that is Groffle the Awful Waffle,

a book that I wrote and published

on behalf of my education initiative.

Any questions? Yes.

How did Groffle cross the syrup river?

And why did you call Mr. Newport a jerk?

Well, when I called him a jerk,

I didn't know that he had passed

into candy heaven.

Do you still think he's a jerk?

And you didn't answer the syrup question.

Well, I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk.

Because we need to be respectful of all dead people.

I mean, not Stalin or Hitler,

but I'm not calling Nick Newport Hitler.

Ms. Knope, I have a follow-up to what I'm now deciding to call, "Jerk-gate."

Are there any other deceased members of

Bobby Newport's family you'd like to attack?

And quit ducking the waffle question.

Did Groffle use a boat of some kind?

All right. That's all the questions for now. Thank you, everybody.

Are we to assume that he swam

- across the syrup river? - Miss Knope?

I am never going to get away from these Nick Newport questions.

And it is very clear in the book

that Groffle crosses the syrup river on the butter bridge.

Well, maybe you need to start acting

a little bit more like Groffle the Waffle

when he was nice to McDuffin the Muffin.

AKA Bobby Newport.

You guys need to apologize. Stop campaigning.

Okay, fine.

We go to Bobby Newport, you apologize...

Good.

And then, we leak the details to the press, which restores your reputation

and buys us enough time to finish the bus tour.

Nice.

No, that's not a real apology.

It's just sneaky. I don't like it.

Ann, for once, this is not about you.

A man is dead.

Look, friend. I respect your slavish devotion to the free market.

But you can't welch on a contract.

Where I come from, a man's word is sacred.

Okay. What's your stance on pinky swears, George Washington?

I'm taking the money.

Fine. I'll match it.

I'll give you $10,000 for the vans. Deal?

No. Price has gone up.

Now it's $12,000.

What? Why?

Look, I own a fleet of 22 crappy white vans.

And for some reason, there's a massive

bidding war going on over them.

Now, for a guy whose only assets are 22 crappy white vans,

it's pretty much a dream scenario.

So I'm just gonna ride this out, see where it takes me.

And now it's $15,000.

Okay. I talked Newport's people

into giving us 10 minutes alone with Bobby.

So, we get in there, we apologize,

and then we get back on the campaign trail.

Okay. How do we leak this to the press?

Do we, like, release a statement?

Do we call somebody?

I don't think that's going to be a problem.

Oh, my God. Why are there so many people here?

It's a trap. It's a trap! We've got to get out of here.

It's a time for solemnity and remembrance.

This is not a time for politics.

Oh. LESLIE: Okay, will you stop, please?

Turn the bus around.

Leslie Knope is driving her campaign bus through a memorial service.

Back it up. Back it up.

Okay, back up. Back it up.

Just when we thought she couldn't stoop any lower.

Go forward! Go forward!

I feel like he's dying all over again.

Stop it.

Oh, no.

Hi.

Sorry. Are we late?

So, I hate to bring this up again,

but I just want to make sure that I'm going to get paid.

It was a handshake agreement with Mr. Newport.

It was for a lot of money.

Anyway, you can wire transfer it. Anyway, sorry for your loss.

I can't believe you turned this situation into a political sideshow.

Oh, come on. You guys were only going to apologize for the press.

No way. That's not us. You don't know us at all.

It's rude to say it.

We wouldn't even think it.

Yeah, that's a ridiculous claim.

We brought a "Sorry For Your Loss" fruit basket for Bobby.

And it is very classy. No melon, no apples.

You were going to use us, and we just turned the tables on you.

'Cause I'm smarter and faster.

That is not a judgment, that's just a fact.

We're both just doing whatever it takes to win. Right?

I love polka dots. So cute.

I'm sorry. I should have seen this coming.

And we should not have driven here in a bus with your face on it.

No, it's my fault.

And you know what? Jen is right. I'm no better than her.

No, Leslie. Yes, you are.

All you need to do is stop the machine for a second

and go apologize to Bobby.

Alone. Without cameras.

Thanks, Ann, but where was that advice six hours ago?

That's not going to work.

I had to try.

April, I just got Champion his dog food,

cleaned your house, filed that paperwork,

you are officially April Ludgate-Dwyer,

installed a smoke detector and now I'm back. What's next?

Nothing, Chris. Just sit down somewhere and stop bothering me.

I can't.

I've had a very tough year.

I can't stop thinking about Ann and Millicent.

And if I'm alone with my thoughts, I go to a dark place.

Okay. First of all, dark places are awesome.

Secondly, Ann is kind of lame, so way to dodge a bullet.

And Millicent is Jerry's daughter, so two bullets.

And you're not alone. You've got...

Lots of friends somewhere.

I assume.

You're going to be just fine.

Thank you.

You're right.

I'll be fine.

I'm not fine. It didn't work.

Hey, Bobby.

Oh, hi.

Want to play bowling?

Why don't you play with the real one?

Oh.

I like this one better.

The little guy looks like me.

Hey, can we talk for a second?

Look, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry your dad died.

And I'm really, really sorry I called him a jerk.

That's okay.

He was, like, a million years old.

And he was kind of a jerk.

The only reason I did this campaign was to impress him,

and he couldn't have cared less.

You know, my mom was a great athlete when she was a kid.

So, in junior high, I joined the track team

to impress her.

Even though I hated it.

And at the end of the year,

I ran the 5,000 meters in this huge track event,

and I finished dead last.

And I thought she was going to be really disappointed in me.

But she wasn't. She ran up to me,

and she wrapped me up in this big hug,

and she told me she had never been more proud of me.

Thanks, Leslie. That's a great story.

I'm not 100% sure I get the point, but...

You finished this race, Bobby.

The campaign is over, and you finished.

Win or lose,

I bet you anything that your dad was proud of you.

Now, I get it. There you go.

Your mom and my dad are both dicks.

There's no vans within 50 miles.

And for some reason, no one wants to lend me $10,000.

Even if we had the dough,

that bunco artist would just demand more. Trust me.

Don't move.

Let's just stay here for, like, an hour and not let him out.

This isn't right. Our girl's worked hard. We're so close.

I know he didn't just hit my baby.

Hey! What the hell, guys?

Move!

All right. Y'all got your seat belts on?

Did you see that? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me.

Am I dead?

What the hell?

Exactly, Bill.

What the hell?

You just rear-ended me.

That is not what happened.

But I've got witnesses.

Yeah. It went down exactly the way

my girl said it did, you mean, bald man.

Hey, what about you, Mr. A-Man's-Word-is-Sacred?

Well, it is. But you're an ass....

So, we can settle this now.

I will accept payment in van rentals.

All right, let's go to the video again.

Sweet kick. Leslie exits the building.

And then, you get hit.

What else do we know?

We know that Leslie was about 15 feet in front of you.

So, clearly, the assailant has terrible aim.

Or...

Leslie wasn't the target.

Well, who, then?

Okay, that's permanent marker.

Go find Ben. Get a list of everyone he's ever fired. Go, go.

Macklin.

You son of a bitch.

A lot of people have been asking me

how I feel about everything that's happened today.

Well, let me tell you a little story.

My dad was this amazing athlete when he was a kid.

When l was in junior high

I started doing track just to impress him, even though I hated it.

At the end of the year, I entered the 5,000 meters.

And I won.

It was awesome.

My dad wrapped me in a big hug

and said he was proud of me.

That's just a great story that happened

between me and my dad and nobody else.

We're dead. It's over.

That's my story.

Before I go, I want to bring up a special guest.

Somebody who's been very supportive and mega-cool today.

Leslie Knope, will you come up here?

What? Come on. Come up here.

Go, go, go. Do it.

You know, Leslie's been getting a lot of heat today.

But I want you all to know that we talked person-to-person,

and she's really great.

People should stop being so mean to her.

In fact, if you don't vote for me tomorrow, you should vote for her.

Because she's super, super awesome lady.

Leslie, we did it! Yeah!

Maybe we're not dead.

Chris, right? Hi. I'm Jen.

Hello.

You know, there are 30 bedrooms in this house.

Bobby's in one. There's a dead guy in another.

The rest are free.

What do you say?

Oh.

That is very flattering.

But you're the opposition campaign manager.

I couldn't do that to Leslie.

Oh, for God's sake, Chris. This campaign is over.

My job is done, and so is yours. It's just sex.

I'm very good at it.

Okay. Great. Let's do it.

Haven't got all day, honey.

So, do you think we're okay?

I mean, should we squeeze in an extra rally or something?

I think we get out while the getting's good.

Sewage Joe.

Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis to everyone.

And you've come hereto pie him.

Little twerp has it coming.

Dude, I dare you.

Please. Give me one reason to take you down.

I would love nothing...

Oh Ben, sorry.

All right. Let's go.

Uh-oh! I did it!

Yeah. Great job.

Ma'am, you have to get out of your car before I can tow it.

Just give me a minute.

It's gonna be okay, Michael.

Michael?

I named my car Michael Fassbender

because they're both German,

and they're both sexy as hell.

Sure.

Donna, I just wanna say I will never forget that you did this for me.

I know it was a great sacrifice.

What about my sacrifice?

I have post-traumatic stress. My hands are shaking a little.

You almost lost me, Ron.

We were going nine miles an hour.

Ma'am, please?

All right.

I'll come visit you tomorrow, Michael. Stay sexy for mama.