All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S04E20 - The Debate (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

I told you
I really don't think

you should wear a necktie.

Well, all right.

Okay, everybody, latest poll

is Newport 40%, Leslie 32%
with everyone else way back.

Now, this debate is our best
chance to close that gap.

Chris, Ann and Tom,
you guys will be

talking to reporters,
providing facts.

General spin.

Spin team!

This is the best
possible job for me.

I can literally make
anything sound positive.

Your house just burned down

and you lost all your money
in the stock market.

It's a chance to start over,
fire is cleansing,

and true wealth is measured by
the amount of love in your life.

If I had to have anybody
tell me that I had cancer,

I would want it to be me.

Ron, April and Andy,
you'll be throwing

a party for our
biggest donors.

Are they big, big?

They're rich people that
gave money to the campaign.

I hope they don't expect us
to have an elevator

or, like, caramels.

I don't know
about rich people.

I was preparing for big people.

Is the menu all set?

Yes, I will be
providing several slabs

of my world-famous
Swanson ribs.

And I will be providing my world-famous
hundred-dollar lap dances.

Sweet.
No.

Okay. The election is in two weeks.
The debate is in nine hours.

Let's get to work.

Yeah!

Wow!

I can't believe
we're doing this here.

This seats, like, 800 people.

Well, that's what
you get when

your opponent is the most
famous person in town.

This is a lot bigger than my
high school debate auditorium.

Did you know I played
Peter Pan in high school?

I can't picture it.

Four feet. Exact same
size as the podium

you use in
the Parks Department.

Opening statement.

I am Leslie Knope
and I love this town,

and I've worked my whole life
to make it great.

I believe that
I've earned your vote.

Bobby Newport believes
he can buy it.

You got this.
I got this.

You could debate
Newport in your sleep.

I have.

I know. We sleep in the same bed.
It's been hell.

When I was 18
and ran for mayor,

I was way behind
going into the debates.

And I crushed my opponent.

It's why I won.

That and the fact
that I threw a bunch

of Day-Glow Ray-Bans
into the crowd.

It was 1993.

My dad managed a sunglass hut.
Not a big deal.

I finally get a chance to
stand in front of everyone

and talk about
the town that I love.

What if the town
loves Bobby more than me?

There's no way.
You're going to destroy him.

I'm going to wipe
the floor with his face.

You're going to rip out his
spine with your teeth,

and then chew it up
and gargle with it.

I love it when
you're needlessly disgusting.

Hey! You can't be in here.

The debate doesn't start
for another seven hours.

Sorry, we're leaving.

Leslie Knope!

I'm trying to
clean up for the party,

but I swear to God, my
arms can't move that way.

Leave it messy. It doesn't matter.
Nothing matters.

Life is garbage.

What happened?

Ann broke up with me.
For reals this time.

And all I did was call
in to this radio station

and give her
a sweet little shout-out.

So, we're up in the club.

It's me.

We're dancing. We're sweating Let's
just say, we got to second that night.

Kind of.

Me so horny.

This chick's name
is Ann Perkins.

Look her up on the government website.
She is crazy hot.

Isn't that great? Come here.

I complimented you.

I guess she's just afraid of
how powerful her feelings are.

Dude, that's not why
she broke up with you.

I really like her.

Well, does she know that?

The whole town knows it.
I live my life out loud.

Dude, you have to
stop your stupid swagger

and just tell her, in a normal
voice, that you care about her.

What do you know?
You don't care about things.

Yes, I do. I care about
Andy and Champion.

And I want Leslie to win.
And I like sleeping.

So, everybody has
things they care about.

If Ann is yours,
you need to tell her.

Hey. You guys all set?

Ann, you have all
the facts you need?

Totally. Listen to this.

The average human grows 50 feet
of hair in their lifetime.

That's really interesting.

How about some facts
we can use in the debate?

Yeah. No, I have those, too.
But you have to admit

that the human body is amazing.

I say it all the time.

I have been researching
facts about Pawnee

and sometimes I just get sucked
into an Internet rabbit hole.

And next thing I know, I'm
looking up how slugs have sex.

It's weirdly beautiful.
YouTube it.

Okay, Chris.
Hypothetical crisis.

Leslie just tried
to answer a question

and audibly farted,
then threw up. Spin.

Leslie Knope is
literally overflowing

with ideas for this town.

And speaking of methane,

have you heard about her plan to
limit greenhouse gas emissions?

Wow.
Nice.

Spin team!

Ann and I make
such a great team.

It's silly that
we're not a team in real life.

I just heard those words
come out of my mouth,

and I have made a decision.

I've heard that
you and Tom Haverford

are no longer romantically involved.
Is that true?

Yes, we broke up.

And I honestly
can't believe we ever dated.

It does defy logic.

I still have
feelings for you.

Strong feelings.

Emotional, primal feelings.

And I would like to give
our relationship another try.

Chris. We dated for, like,
three months, a year ago.

And you broke up with me.

I honestly think that you've built
this into something that it wasn't.

And according to your rule, we
can't date because you're my boss.

Maybe not for long.
If Newport wins,

the City Council
may replace me.

But it would open it up
for us to be together.

Would you like that?

Don't answer.

Just think about it.
Come on. Let's spin.

So, you do
a lot of investing?

We like to dabble.

I recently invested in some
shirts at a garage sale.

I left them at Wendy's
on the way home.

The economy.

Excited for the debate?

I don't believe in debates I think
there should be less talking.

In politics?
In life.

Do it.

Fierce. Power.
Pump it up. 2012.

Go... Okay, sorry.

Nothing gets
me more amped than Sarah McLachan.

Opening statement.

I am Leslie Knope.
I love this town,

and I've worked my whole
life to make it great.

I believe that
I've earned your vote.

Bobby Newport believes
he can buy it.

I have the best campaign
manager in the world.

I wouldn't say that
Jen's a killer.

You can beat Newport. I don't
know if I can beat her.

Here's what I know.
I love you and I like you.

I love you and I like you.

Oh, hey.

Do you maybe wanna go pay
Newport a little visit?

Ben and I are about to pull the
oldest debate team trick in the book.

Before we all
go out on stage,

we're going to storm into
Newport's room unannounced

and wish him luck.

So if you need to find me,

I'll be in
Bobby Newport's head.

Hey, Bobby. I just wanted to say...
I can't do this.

It's too hard. I'm too scared.
Please don't make me.

Someone's having a moment.

For like three weeks I've
been trying to figure out

ways to make things
better in this town.

You guys,
there's so many problems.

Somebody needs to
fix these problems.

Bobby, take a deep breath.

Remember what we talked about?
Yeah, don't be myself.

Be a smarter version
of yourself.

And a person
with less feelings.

I just want to take a nap.
Can't we cancel this thing?

No, we can't.

Can we call in
a bomb threat?

My dad did that once when I didn't
want to go to my lacrosse game.

What's going on in there?
Is this some kind of trick?

You got to cancel it. I broke my foot.
No. He's a disaster.

Okay. What do we do.
Should I back off?

I don't want to
come across as a bully.

No. Same game plan.
You go on the offensive.

And if he's reeling,
all the better.

You land an early
knock-out punch.

Your boxing metaphors
are beyond sexy.

All righty, folks. One minute.
Thank you, Lorenzo.

Hello.

You are here
because you gave us money.

Now, we will give you ribs.

Also, you will
watch the debate.

If you like the debate,
you'll give us more money.

That is all. Ron Swanson.

Uh oh.

Somebody forgot to
pay the cable bill.

Am I right?

It was me.

What can we expect
from tonight's debate?

Prepared statements
from Bobby Newport,

impassioned answers
from Leslie Knope.

But Bobby Newport is super
handsome and charming,

so, that means people
will probably vote for him

because there's no
justice in the world.

And the home of the brave

Good evening, everyone, and welcome
to the event we are doing tonight,

which is a City Council candidate
debate that we're going to start now.

I'm Perd Hapley.

And I am legendary newswoman,
Joan Callamezzo, newly single.

It's time for
opening statements.

I am Fester Trim.

Many of you know me as the
man who sells you your guns

at the Gun-believable Gun Emporium.
Whoo!

I want to tell you
about my idea

for assault rifle
vending machines.

Is he going to be okay?
Who?

Bobby. He'll be fine.
Expectations are crazy low.

If he puts two sentences
together without crying,

the press is going to say
he's doing surprisingly well.

And if he falls to pieces, he's
going to look sympathetic.

It's a win-win.

So, do you have any idea how
long this is going to take?

You might bethinking,

"What does an adult film star
know about politics?"

Well, I produced and starred in over
400 adult films this year alone.

- Whoo!
- Thank you.

And just like Leslie,

I know what it's like to be the
only woman in a room full of men.

I am Manrico Della Rossa.

I believe animals are
as important as people.

And if elected,
I will fight for them

as if they are
my own children.

I am Leslie Knope.
I love this town,

and I've worked my whole life
to make it great.

I believe that
I've earned your vote.

Bobby Newport
believes he can buy it.

And maybe that's because he's never
earned anything his entire life.

Wow. Come on.

That hurt my feelings.
Hurt my feelings.

You're supposed to be
this positive person.

Can't we just talk
about things we like?

Well said.

Just a reminder to our
candidates to keep it civil.

I'm looking at you, Leslie.

That's okay, Joan.
I'm okay. I'm just...

I'm nervous, man. I'm nervous.

I guess I want
to do a good job.

Because I like it when people
think I do a good job.

And I want your vote because
I want Pawnee and my dad

to see what I'm made of.

So, let's do this.

The wrecking crew!
Who let you guys in?

Hey, Jason.

Ease back.

I can't get through to the cable company.
Can you do something?

Like what?

Anything?
Andy is just acting out

scenes from his
favorite movies.

So, Swayze runs. Boom! Tackles
the guy off the motorcycle.

Dude's like,
"You're dead, bro."

Comes at him.
Swayze ducks. Scissor kick.

The guy holds
Swayze's head and he says,

"I used to guys
like you in prison."

By the looks of this guy, this is not
consensual sex we're talking about.

We see bad guy
had a gun the whole time.

He's like,

"I'm going to kill you
the old-fashioned way."

Swayze's like,
"Not this time."

That's subtext.
He doesn't say that.

Bypasses the gun,
hooks the arm,

back to the secret move he
used before to kill somebody.

He feels so bad
about it, but this time,

he has to do it because
it's self-defense.

Takes the esophagus
out of the neck area.

You can't eat.
You'll starve to death.

And that is Road House.

What should I do next?

This question about public
safety comes from Twitter,

because apparently, that's
something that happens now.

@munchmeat2015 asks,

"Pawnee used to be safe.

"Someone stole my car.

"What will you do
to make Pawnee safe,

"and can you help
me find my car?"

I can assure you.

If you had a gun
mounted on the dashboard

which automatically shot people
trying to break into it,

you would still have your car.

You know, I guess I would
like to tell Mr. Munchmeat

that I think that stinks
that happened to him.

You know, one time, a guy stole
some downhill skis out of my Jeep

and I was so mad,
I punched a mailbox.

I'm against crime, and I'm
not ashamed to admit it.

This question is about
Pawnee's park system.

Why is Ramsett Park
so filthy and awful?

It's difficult to get into

the complicated problems with Ramsett
Park in such a short amount of time.

You have 20 seconds.

Oh, my God. Okay. I will say
that the parks in Pawnee are...

I do have an update
on your time allotment.

And that update is that
your time is almost gone.

I have no more time left?

Well, you had some time
when I started talking.

But by the time I finished
your time was up.

Thank you very much.

She's off her game.
She's fine.

Mr. Newport, rebuttal.

I know this. If something is
dirty, we should clean it up.

Let's start there. Right?

You know what? I had this
cleaning lady named Yolanda

who was very wise.

She basically raised me.

And one day, she said,

"Little Bobby, I am not going
to clean your room no mas. "

And from that day on, my room was gross.
Really bummed me out.

I think we should make our
parks look like my room

after Yolanda finally,
you know,

gave in and
cleaned it up for me.

If I may, Joan, that's a
very sweet story, Bobby.

But not all of
us have Yolandas

who can clean up
our room for us.

Some of us believe that you
need to roll up your sleeves

and do the
hard work yourself.

Mr. Newport, your response.

I'm glad I grew
up with Yolanda.

She taught me
everything I know.

In fact, Yo-Yo, if you're
watching I love you.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect
you from Leslie's mean words.

Look I have
no beef with Yo-Yo.

I'd just like to say
that, like Leslie,

I don't have people
do my work for me.

Leslie and I do
our work ourselves.

My work, of course, is having sex
with men and women on camera.

Once again,
Brandi and Leslie

are essentially
the same person.

How do you respond
to Newport's claim

that the city parks
need to be cleaned up?

Pawnee parks were rated
in the Indiana top ten

for cleanliness
and maintenance.

78% of Pawneeans
label our parks, "pristine."

And we all know
the better-looking a park is,

the more attention
it will get from lady parks

who want to have
sex with it.

Excuse us.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

We're fighting for
our lives out there.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe the
fact that we just broke up

and you're already
riding the Traeger train.

What are you
talking about?

I saw you guys getting back together.
What about us?

What about us, Tom?

We're not together anymore because
you keep acting like an ass.

I'm sorry. I just
act that way sometimes

because I'm nervous

and I feel like
you're out of my league.

But I'd do anything to get
back together with you.

Please.

Vote for me
to be your boyfriend.

Ben, he's winning.
How is he winning?

Everything he's saying is
nonsense, and he's fooling them.

Okay, you're doing fine.

I need to go
back on the attack.

No. No, no, no. See?

Okay. When you attacked, you
kind of came off like a bully,

and he looked sympathetic.

So, you know, you did a really
good job of easing off.

Leslie.
This is fun, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, there's no reason
on earth that I can think of

that we shouldn't have
concussion grenades

in our nation's
movie theaters.

It doesn't mean anything about
my stance on immigration.

It just means
I love burritos.

Daniel Craig.

No.

Timothy Dalton.

And anyone who even rubs their
hands on a leather jacket

should be tried for murder.

Bachelor's degree. Princeton.

I'm an American.

My father is an American.

My mother is an American.

My godfather is the viceroy of the
Principality of Liechtenstein.

Sure, I agree that
movies should be more

faithful to the books
that they are based on,

but what does that have
to do with this election?

All my movies
are based on books.

By the year 2013, we will have a
fully functional mall on Jupiter.

Once again, people,

grenade launcher.

I guess my thoughts
on abortion are,

you know, let’s just
all have a good time.

I don't care about that issue.
Just ask someone else.

No, I'm not a vegan.

I am an onionarian.

I only eat onions
and onion-based juices.

Just to be clear, when you
talk about bigger government,

are you talking
about the buildings?

Pass.

For the record,
I'd appear in a film

with any of my
fellow candidates.

Anteaters.
Kill shot.

Money shot.
Fudgicles.

I don't know, Liam Neeson.

Ah, I should've said
Liam Neeson.

Let's spend our money
on what matters.

Police, fire,
parks and schools.

After a rough start,
your girl's doing okay.

I think she's doing
a little better than okay.

Or did you miss
the applause she got

on the raccoon
safety question?

No, that was great. That probably
pulled her even with Bobby.

I can't believe
you're so casual about this.

Don't you even want
to win the debate?

We're going to
win the debate.

We've got an ace in the hole.
Little surprisey-wisey.

What?
Oh, you'll see.

Hey, quick question.

Does that guy, Chris Traeger,
have a girlfriend?

And is his penis normal?

Stop talking.

Open on villagers being
thrown out into a rice field.

Land mines blowing
them up into pieces.

A bad guy smoking cigarettes.

After I steal this cable feed,
I will repay the cable company

for the service we used.

This last question before
the break is for Mr. Newport.

Some, not me,
have criticized

your involvement with your
father's candy company, Sweetums.

Would your affiliation
with big business

affect your decisions
as a City Councilor?

I want to run this town
like a business.

My opponent, Leslie Knope, has
a very anti-business agenda.

Recently, my dad told me that if
Leslie Knope wins the election,

they'll probably have to
move Sweetums to Mexico.

That would be
terrible, of course.

Thousands of people in this
town would lose their jobs,

and we all
wouldn't have candy.

Now, I'm not saying that is going to happen.
But I do know this.

If I win...

I bet I could
get them to stay.

Shocking stuff.

We're going to be back
with our closing statements

right after a word
from our sponsor, Sweetums,

Pawnee's biggest
supplier of candy and jobs.

Stick around.

So, Sweetums is going to move
to Mexico if Bobby doesn't win?

How could they do that to this town?
What a crappy stunt to pull.

One minute back.

Shut up, Lorenzo.
Shut up, Lorenzo.

What do we do?

I think we attack him.
He's more confident now.

I have to attack him.

And say what? We didn't plan for this.
What would you even say?

I don't know. I'll figure
it out as I'm saying it.

Just let me attack him.
I want to attack him.

No. No, no, no.
It's too risky.

Just go with the closing
statement we rehearsed,

add a line at the end about
how you're pro-business,

and we'll deal with the
fallout tomorrow. Okay?

What?
What's the matter with you?

I can do it.

I can crush him.

I promise.

Screw it. Go get him.

Really?

Kick his ass.

lam a lineman for the county

And the Wichita lineman

Is still on the line

The final things these candidates will
say are their closing statements.

We will begin with our first
candidate to go, Bobby Newport.

Look, I wouldn't be here today if I
didn't want to be your City Councilor.

Sure, it will
impress my dad,

and "give me something
to do during the day."

But it's more than that.

How do we fix this town?
I have no idea.

You tell me. That's what I'm counting on.
You telling me.

I will ask
lots of questions.

You give me answers.

Questions are great
but answers are better.

And answers
phrased as questions

is how you play Jeopardy.

And that's how it ends.

I loved it.
It's called Babe.

And I know it sounds corny,
talking pig, whatever.

You should all see it.

I feel like I just did.

It's on.

And Leslie Knope?
Closing statement?

I am very angry.

I'm angry that Bobby Newport
would hold this town hostage

and threaten to leave if you
don't give him what he wants.

It's despicable.

Corporations are not allowed
to dictate what a city needs.

That power
belongs to the people.

Bobby Newport and his daddy would
like you to think it belongs to them.

I love this town.

And when you love something,

you don't threaten it.

You don't punish it.

You fight for it.

You take care of it.
You put it first.

As your City Councilor,

I will make sure that no one
takes advantage of Pawnee.

If I seem too passionate,

it's because I care.

If I come on strong,

it's because
I feel strongly.

And if! push too hard,

it's because things
aren't moving fast enough.

This is my home.

You are my family.

And I promise you.

I'm not going anywhere.

Holy , Leslie.
That was awesome.

Thanks, Bobby.

Yeah! Play it! Whoo-hoo!

Knope 2012! Yeah! Yeah!

Ron?

What the voters saw tonight
is an undeniable fact,

that one of these candidates
is right for this town,

and one of them is not.

Thanks, guys.

Ann Perkins. Uh oh.

I'm sorry, Chris.
It's very flattering,

I just don't think
it's a good idea.

It was worth a shot.

Well, I hope that
whoever you end up with

treats you like the amazing
person that you are.

Thank you.

And I am going to
go run some stairs

and work through
these feelings.

Is he sad?
Oh, my God.

He looked sad.

I'm not going out
with Chris again.

Does that mean
we're getting back together?

No. I don't know.
No, not right now.

There's a chance I'm never going
to date anyone, ever again.

I'll take it.

And you know what else?

I'm coming for you, girl.

Just like you want.

Just get out there
and spin, man.

You got it.

Leslie Knope is scrappy,
like a terrier.

She's smooth like
a blended whiskey.

My girl has big ideas
and big feelings,

and she's not
afraid to express them.

Was I too mean?

No, you were perfect.

Leslie!
Hey!

That was amazing!
Oh, thank you.

Hey, how was
the Spin Room?

- It was a lot. We'll talk about it.
- Whoo!

We did it!
We did it! Oh, my God.

I was so nervous, but we
completely got through it.

I haven't felt this good since I
scored that lacrosse goal at State.

Seriously. Hey, party
at my dad's lake house.

Bring whoever you want.

Scrawny Christians.

Missionaries come to him. They're
like, "Are you John Rambo?"

He's like, "Yeah."

And they're like, "We need
you to take us upriver."

And he's like,
"It's a war zone up there."

And they're like, "Yeah, we know.
That's why we have to go.

"We're going to change
things."

And he's like,
"You bringing any weapons?"

And they're like,
"Of course not."

"Then, you're not changing
anything. Go home."

And then they come back
in a rainstorm.

This time, he says,

"Nope. Go home."

They go home again.
Bottom line, they go upriver.

Does not go well.