All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S04E19 - Live Ammo (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Is the coast clear?
What are you wearing?

My sneak-around clothes.
Is he gone?

Yeah, he's gone. Come in.
You got to see this.

Tom and I have been seeing
each other for a few weeks,

and I think I'm ready
to say I love you

to his apartment.

I love you so much.

Look at all
these blankets.

One on the ottoman, one on
the chair, one on the couch.

Here. Feel.

Holy hell, that's soft.

Oh, my God. Is that...

Yeah. A whole shelf
of coconut water.

I think I'm going to cry
This is like girl heaven.

Did he do all of
this just for you?

No, he just
lives like this.

He's deeply in debt. But you know what?
Who cares?

Because check it out. A cheese
plate and Adriatic figs.

Leslie, this is
always here.

I don't know when
he has time to make it.

Boutique eye cream. Unisex cologne.
Lip exfoliator.

Chocolate covered almonds
and a sudoku book.

Just amenities everywhere.

I love amenities.
I know!

Check this out.
This is the best part.

Eighty degrees,
night and day.

Look at this one.

There's another soft one.

Ohhh!

Councilman Pillner,
could I have a moment?

Make it quick.

In his seminal 2009 documentary,
filmmaker Ken Burns

describes the national parks
system as America's best idea.

Way quicker.

Okay. Well, but you should
watch that documentary.

Now, I realize that you're
drafting the new city budget,

and I've heard
that you're planning

on reducing
the Parks funding by 8%.

Councilman Pillner,
that cannot happen.

I've gotten to know
the city councilmen

pretty well because
of my campaign.

If you hear any
of them talking about

that blonde pain in
the ass, that's me.

Leslie, that budget
is all but finalized.

I love building
ships in bottles.

When the ship is done,
I put a cork in it,

put it on the shelf,
and I move on.

Hold that cork, sir.

Because I am about to put an
adorable face on your proposed cuts.

Meet Melodi Sternway.

She is enrolled in five
of our Parks programs.

Our department is
the only thing between her

and a life of tube tops
and tribal tattoos

and barfing in hot tubs.

Please.
Okay. You got me.

I'll find the cuts
somewhere else.

Good morning, everyone.
I'm April Ludgate,

and I will be filling in for
Leslie while she runs for office.

So, the new emergency protocol
for the Parks Department

can be found
in your binders.

What exactly is the chain of
command, vis-3-vis on-site response?

You know what?
Why don't we just say

that whoever gets to the emergency
first will be in charge?

Okay. So, if there's an
explosion, say, in Ramsett Park

and someone from Sewage gets there
first, they'd be in charge?

I had no idea how
terrible Leslie's job is.

She referred to this meeting
as a non-stop thrill ride.

I'm not quite sure, but
Tom can answer that if...

What are you doing?

Just bouncing
some business ideas

off Russell Simmons
on Twitter. Why?

All due respect, Ms. Ludgate, do you
even know what you're doing here?

All due respect, Mr. Hamsterpenis,
but no, I don't.

My last name is Giles.

Are you sure? Because you
look like a Hamsterpenis.

What about a cologne
that can kill spiders?

Ron Swanson, it is my
pleasure to inform you

that you are a finalist for the
job of Assistant City Manager.

Chris, I feel
I should remind you

that I do not believe
that the position

or the entire government
should exist.

That said, you'd be
a fool not to pick me.

I will walk deeper into
the belly of the beast,

if it means I'm able to further
limit reckless government spending.

I mean, I have
so many ideas.

Some are simple, like take down traffic
lights and eliminate the post office.

The bigger ones
will be tougher, like,

bring all of this
crumbling to the ground.

There is one more step
in the vetting process.

You and I will embark on a quick
session of heart-rate meditation,

focusing on conscious breathing
and opening the heart chakra.

I'm not sure
I'm interested in that.

No, I am sure. I am not
interested in that.

Ron, you and I are
very different people.

And we have often
been at odds.

It is crucial that you and I
spend a day spiritually engaged.

And consider what it would
really mean to work together.

Trust me, you'll love it.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh! Wear your yoga pants.

Okay, I really wish we would
have talked about this first.

What could possibly
be wrong about me

saving the
Parks Department budget?

I don't know.
That's the point.

You're thinking like
a Parks Department employee,

not a City Council
candidate.

You're in a campaign.

Literally everything you
do right now is politics.

Oh, really? Is this politics?
Ow!

What is that?
Why did you do that?

I'm in a good mood because a
city councilor listened to me.

That means
I have some juice.

Look, this might be
a good thing.

But there's a reason we strategize
before we make decisions.

Okay- okay-

I'll make some calls,
see where we are.

Enjoying the view.

What is going on?

I'm just really into you.
Give me a spin, baby.

I hate
doing Leslie's job.

I'm filling in for a person
who smiles 90% of the time.

Tom, can you please help me?
Please? Or just do it?

Come on, little sparkle.
Don't give up.

What does Leslie
always say?

I don't know. Weird
stuff about waffles?

She says you get out of a
job what you put into it.

You just need to find a project
you're passionate about.

For instance, I was incredible at
naming drinks at the Snakehole Lounge,

because I care a great deal
about signature beverages.

The Beer-yonce Knowles.

It's just a regular beer, but
we put it in a sexy-ass mug.

Pairs nicely
with the Jay-Zima.

We bought a bunch of Zima
when the factory shut down.

That sounds fun. Maybe I
should work at a bar.

Come on. There must be some aspect
of this job you care about.

Hello. Here are some
papers Leslie requested.

These are blank.
Weird.

As long as I'm here,
can I ask you a question?

Did you ever participate
in meditation with Chris?

Oh, yeah. When we dated,
he made me do it every week.

What am I in for here?

Okay,
here's the deal.

It's crazy boring.
It lasts forever.

You're going to
wish you were dead.

Do you want to borrow
my yoga pants?

Hey. So did Pillner finalize the budget?
Are we okay?

We are the
opposite of okay.

What do you mean?

To keep the money
in Parks,

they're going to shut down
the Westside Animal Shelter.

The money had to
come from somewhere,

and the shelter
is on its last legs.

So they're closing it
at the end of the week.

That's where
Champion came from.

What will happen to
all the other animals?

Well, they'll be...

Fine.
No,

they'll be...

- No.
- Guys?

Apparently, Leslie Knope
wielded her insider influence

and got Councilman Pillner to
save her precious department,

even though it meant
closing the shelter.

Now, I am not saying that Leslie
Knope is a dog murderer, per se

I just think that her actions
raise some questions.

Like, for example,
is she a dog murderer?

Oh, God.

Well, I don't know the
answer to that, Jennifer,

but your tone
makes me think, yes.

Say
your goodbyes, Pebble.

Because
Leslie Knope going to kill you.

She got the perfect puppy
for that shot. She is good.

Leslie, there is
a woman on the phone

that says her daughter
is scared to go to sleep

because Leslie Knope's going
to come murder her kitty.

Okay, we can fix this.

Yes, we can.

Tomorrow morning, we are
going back to Pillner

and telling him to
cut the Parks budget.

No, no, no, no. We can
figure something else out.

Leslie?

Hey, honey. Good morning.
How did you sleep?

I adopted 32 cats and dogs.

Do you want pancakes?
I'm going to make pancakes.

- Is that a pig?
- What? Which one?

Is that a pig? Are you
talking about this one?

This one right here?
Yes, that is a pig.

This is the best meditation
center in the area.

It doesn't look like much.

Oh, actually, this strip mall
has surprisingly decent chi.

Although the smells from the Greek
restaurant next door are not ideal.

But through this door lies
a deep, serene quietude.

Excuse me, ladies.
On your right.

Now, take in
the vibe of the room

and remain open
of mind and of spirit.

Now, quietly, sit behind
me, and let's join breath.

I'll stand.

Interesting technique.

Andy, look at this little guy.
He's such a little runt.

Hey there.

Hey, Tom, look.

Oh, I just had five
cats on me at once.

You want to come in here
and try to break my record?

That's okay, Andy. I think I'm
going to keep my distance.

Don't want none of
that animal dander

interacting
with this cashmere.

What's your endgame
here, my dear?

This is only temporary until I
find away to keep the shelter open

without cutting
the Parks budget.

Hey, what if I threw
together a pet adoption

in one of our parks?
Would that be cool?

April, that would
be the coolest thing

since *NSYNC, Aerosmith and
Nelly performed together

at the Super Bowl halftime show.
Ew!

I think I may have found a project
I'd actually enjoy doing.

Helping these
cats and dogs.

They should be rewarded
for not being people.

I hate people.

I'm very proud
of you, April.

Meanwhile, you and I are going
to look at the town budget,

and we're going to find
something expendable.

Hey, Ben. The pig ate your
noise canceling headphones.

Pigs are awesome.

All told, we were
in there about six hours.

And no, I was not meditating. I just
stood there, quietly breathing.

There were no thoughts in my head whatsoever.
My mind was blank.

I don't know what the hell these
other crackpots are doing.

Jerry, the puppies are going
to the bathroom everywhere.

We can't let
people see that.

I need you to continuously
clean out the cages. Okay?

You got it, boss.
Thank you.

Donna, did you put the info
sheets on all the cages?

Last one.
Great.

Each animal has a photo, special
talents and a personal history.

That I made up.

A lot of these dogs have rescued
people from burning buildings.

This one helped
Ray Charles around.

What? This cat was
in Boogie Nights?

Hi.You like
this little guy?

He's so cute.

I know. All of the animals
are up to date on their shots.

And I think
he likes you.

He's pretty awesome.

Did you know his great-grandfather
was Spuds MacKenzie?

What do you think, sweetie?
You want to take him home?

Yes, please.

Realistically, I'm guessing we dropped
three to five points in the polls.

This late in the game,
it's a killer.

And that's
a dog biscuit.

Andy put them on the table
because he wanted to try

to have the dogs
play poker.

Okay. Leslie, we are out of time.
We have to go back to them.

Oh, my God.
This is it.

Hmm.

Oh, for
God's sake, Leslie.

There’s just not enough money to
do all the things you want to do.

You're trying to fit
two ships into one bottle.

And take it from me, you can't do that.

Okay, just look at this.

There are three employees
designated as D-1 or on retainer.

Public Works is
still paying them,

even though they haven't
worked in two years.

It's an oversight. We get rid of
them and we have just enough money

to keep the animal
shelter operating

while still maintaining
the Parks budget.

Interesting.

Looks like we found
a bigger bottle.

I know you're just making a
joke but using a bigger bottle

would be considered cheating by most
of our major trade publications. FYI.

Ron, you radiated
mindfulness.

What were you
thinking about?

I wasn't thinking at all.

Incredible.
It takes a ton of work

for me to get to that kind
of a clear head space,

no matter how hard I try.

Don't try so hard.

"Don't try so hard."

Ron, I'm going to try your not
trying method right here, right now.

Chris, wait.

I know this crap is important
to you, so I should come clean.

I got nothing out of
that experience at all.

So, if you're looking for someone
who enjoys meditation...

Oh, I didn't expect
you to enjoy it.

My one reservation about you as a
co-worker was that you seem inflexible.

And merely by agreeing to an
activity you're not interested in,

you showed flexibility.

Ron, you've got the job.

You want to head back?
I do.

But first, there's a hot,
spinning cone of meat

in that Greek restaurant
next door.

I don't know what it is, but I'd
like to eat the whole thing.

Why is it so dead?
Where is everyone?

Don't give up yet. There's
a few minutes left.

Is this where we drop
off our unwanted cats?

No. It's the opposite.

Okay. I'm just going to put
these here for a second.

And then...

We ended up with more animals
than we started with.

This is what happens
when you try.

All of these animals
are going to die.

God. I hope you're happy, stupid
people in this stupid town.

Hey! Hey, you!

Get back here and get your
cats out of here.

Do you think Barack
and Michelle Obama

feel like this at
the end of the day?

Probably. I mean,
I don't know. How else...

Wait a second, is that...

So, am I Michelle?

Hey. How is everyone?

Great.
Pretty good.

We saved the animal shelter
and the Parks budget.

That's great news.
Let me guess.

You found room in other parts
of the budget somewhere?

Totally. Got rid of a bunch of
lame-ass D-1s from Public Works.

Awesome news. Hey,
you know what else is pretty neat,

is thanks to you, Councilman
Pillner went through the budget

and decided that
not just Public Works

but all D-1's will be
terminated in two weeks.

I'm getting fired.

But what, now?

Oh! Councilman Howser. l
was just looking for you.

I have found my
Assistant City Manager.

You want to guess who it is?
It's Ron Swanson.

I'm sorry. I should have let you guess.
I'm just so excited.

I'd put a pin
in this for now.

Why? Why pin it?

The council vote
is three to two

in favor of
another term for you.

But one of the yes votes
is retiring.

If Bobby Newport wins, he is going
to try to bring in his own guy.

Why would he do that?

He's not exactly thrilled
you've been volunteering

for the Knope campaign
in your spare time.

Sorry, Chris. If Newport
wins, you're gone.

I just need one more week.
And then, I think...

Sorry. Could you
please be careful?

Oh, I am always careful.

We're good.

If I could just get
a little bit more time,

I could figure out
how to fix this.

Unfortunately, I cannot
give you any more time.

With due respect...
Leslie, I am retiring

at the end of this term.

So I've been fine
with you guys

pushing me around
on this budget thing.

But if you're ever
going to hold this job

there's something
you need to understand.

City council isn't about making
everybody in town happy.

In fact,
every decision you make

is going to make a lot
of people very unhappy.

We play with
live ammo around here.

Now, I'm going to close the
book on this budget draft

by the end of
the business day.

So if you can find some
way out of this mess

by 5:00 p.m.,
you let me know.

Thank you.
That's fair.

I did it. I got it out.

Oh, geez. You don't
take the ship out.

Here you go.

Chris. Great news.

I've found a way to reduce
government spending by 85%.

Here's a hint. No more departments.

That crazy and impractical
plan may have to wait.

Turns out that Bobby
Newport, if he beats Leslie,

is going to appoint
his own city manager.

Sol may have
offered you

a job that I have
no authority to offer.

I'm so, so sorry.

Well, that is disappointing.

But don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.

Oh, I know. I mean, in the grand
scheme of things, who cares?

We're all just molecules

floating around in random
patterns, devoid of meaning.

Well, I'll see you when I see you.
I'm a rolling stone.

Peace.
Stop.

Have a seat.

We did things your way Now,
we're going to do it my way.

Prepare to experience
true freedom and bliss.

Maybe I should just go
back to being a nurse full-time.

No. I will not let you return
to a life of shaving wieners

and dodging knife attacks
from meth heads.

Right. Okay. What are
you going to do?

Well, either you get fired,
the Parks budget shrinks,

or the animal shelter
has got to go.

Or we find money
somewhere else.

Okay, Leslie,
there is nowhere else.

This is a town budget, not a
bottomless trust fund. Okay?

I mean, money doesn't just appear...
Shh! Stop talking.

What?
Shh!

I have half an idea
and I'm putting it together.

Okay-
HEY-

Do you want to...
Hey.

I'm...
No.

Do you...
Ann. Shh.

Okay, now, I have
a complete idea.

Ben, I'm going to commit
political suicide.

Hey, it's me, Tommy.

Hi.
I'm not here.

April?

I swear on my great-great-grandmother's
grave. I'm not here.

I'm going to come in for a second.

Will you just
leave me alone?

Why so glum, sugar plum?

I don't know. Maybe
because I worked so hard

on that dumb pet
adoption and I failed.

That's why it's stupid
to work hard.

Let me show you something.

Because you worked hard, this little
terribly-dressed girl has a puppy,

and this little puppy
has a home.

And if Leslie has
taught me anything,

it's that, yes,
98% of the time,

this job is frustrating
and you hit brick walls.

But the other 2%?
It's stuff like this kid.

And that PUPPY-

What? What is that photo?

That must come pre-loaded
in there or something.

Oh, my God.

See you at work tomorrow?

Fine.
All right.

Bye, pups.

Bye, little piggies

I don't usually poison my
body with dark alcohol,

but this whiskey
is excellent.

Nectar of the gods.

Well, I should get back to my
office, as long as I have one.

Chris, I'm not one
for positive thinking

or visualization
or meditation

or really anything in the
world that you believe in.

But you might consider the
upside of losing your job.

For example?

You would no longer be
a government parasite,

sucking the lifeblood from
honest, hardworking people.

Instead, you'd contribute
to society like a man.

That's just one way
it might be good.

I'm sure there are others.

I'm sure there are.

Uh-oh!

You look serious.
What's on the agenda?

Just one item, Jennifer.

You are going to announce
that Bobby Newport

will use his personal fortune
to save the animal shelter.

No. No, that's...

That's...

That is a great idea.

In fact, I don't know why I
hadn't thought of it already.

Damn it. Damn it.

I swear, the air in this town
is killing my brain cells.

Actually, the water is not
good for you, either.

You shouldn't drink the tap water.
Has anyone told you that yet?

In exchange, no more puppy killer
ads for the rest of the campaign.

That's all we ask.
Okay.

Well, what's to
stop me from just paying

for the shelter and
still running the ads?

Because I told
Councilman Pillner

that if you don't
agree to our terms,

he should cut
the Parks budget.

And we'll leak that it
was Leslie's decision,

making her seem
tough and fair,

what with sacrificing
her old department.

Okay. What's
in it for you?

A safe home for the animals, a job for
my friend, and a full Parks budget.

I wasn't born yesterday.
You've got to have an angle.

This is a home run for us.

We're going to dominate the
news cycle for a whole week.

Well, you can have this week.
We'll take the next one.

Oh, yeah? What
makes you so sure?

Because in a week,
we have a debate.

And your guy, Bobby Newport,
is going to have to show up

and he's going to
have to open his mouth.

And I'm going
to kick his ass.

She'll take care of that.
See you next week.

How's my best buddy?
I just bought this.

Cranium. It's a board game.
Have you heard of it?

It is literally the most
fun I have ever had.

What do you say after work, you,
me, whiskey, wheatgrass, Cranium?

Ron?
Chris?

Sorry, he's meditating.

He asked me to tell
anyone who comes in

that he wishes to
remain undisturbed,

so as to better clarify
his head space.

Oh, God, Ron. lam so sorry.
I'll let you get at it.