Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen,

the next City Councilor for the great city of Pawnee,

Bobby Newport.

Hey, Bobby. Hey.

Thanks, guy.

Hey. All right. Hi.

I'm Bobby Newport.

You know, we're two days into this campaign,

and so far it's going great.

In fact, I don't know why they call it a cam-pain.

Because up until now, it's been a cam-pleasure.

All right. Hey, why don't we line up

for autographs and free Bobby Bars?

Who wants a Bobby Bar?

Bobby Newport.

Heir to the Sweetums Candy Fortune.

My dad made them.

He just entered the race,

and he's already 70 points up in all of the polls.

He is attractive and charming.

And his family employs half the town But so what?

I am a lifelong government bureaucrat

who is well-versed in the issues.

And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections.

How's it going? I'm Bobby Newport.

But you probably knew that already.

Well, Mr. Newport, we meet at last. I'm Leslie Knope.

Ah! Okie-doke.

So do you want me to sign it to Mrs. Lope or just Nesnee?

What? No. I... Leslie's fine.

Leslie.

Yeah. Ms. Knope is a candidate for City Council.

We've been calling your office trying to set up a debate.

Oh, no, you guys are wrong. I'm running unopposed.

I'm pretty sure I'm running unopposed. Right?

No. You're not running unopposed.

You're very opposed, by me.

Oh. Terrific. I love meeting people.

I love it. Yeah. What do you guys do?

We just told you. We're going to be running for City Council.

Great. Here, have a Bobby Bar. Go ahead. My dad made them.

Okay, folks.

Hey. I'm Bobby Newport.

I think we scared him.

Here, have a Bobby Bar. My dad made them.

Hey, Ann. Are you still a nurse?

Or did they fire you, because you slept with all the doctors?

Do you want to try that again?

Hey, Ann. Are you still a nurse?

Because Andy's not feeling well.

What's wrong, Andy?

Just got a headache. And I'm seeing double.

And I've got a song stuck in my head and my teeth hurt.

Also, I'm hungry.

Okay. Well, some of those things are symptoms

and some of them are just being a person.

Did you hit your head?

No.

Oh, yes. Technically, I did smash

my head area into the wall area.

Yeah. He was hanging up his gold record.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm good.

Point is, I have a gold record.

Well, I can help you with cuts and bruises.

But the other stuff, you're going to have to see a real doctor.

Hey, smartass, we can't afford it.

Hey, smartass, yes, you can. You have insurance.

Neither of your asses are that smart.

Because insurance is for if something bad happens to your car.

PS, I haven't had it in years.

Oh, my God. We used to live together.

Aw!

You've still got it for me.

I'm Bobby Newport.

My family owns nine square miles of land in this town.

And isn't my family what this town is really about?

Vote Bobby Newport.

- That guy is everywhere. - Yeah.

I am not complaining.

Well, we have to find away to beat him.

And, luckily, Ben is going to announce

the most amazing campaign strategy

ever thought of in the entire history of Western democracy.

Go, Ben! Go, Ben!

Here's your great idea. We're all ready for it. And, start.

I'm running for office. I'm surrounded by my friends.

My campaign manager and I are in love.

This is exactly how I dreamed it would be when I was a kid.

Except I wasn't 70 points behind,

and my campaign manager was Mr. Belvedere.

We are David. Newport is Goliath.

This is our slingshot.

Yes. We'll write an inspiring op-ed piece.

No. The Pawnee-Eagleton High School basketball game.

Now, in this town, it's bigger than the Super Bowl.

We take all our money, we air a TV ad right at halftime.

- Yes. - Cool.

I think we should make an attack ad against Bobby Newport.

Whoa! That is a great idea.

Thank you.

- That's a good idea. - All right, great.

So let's get to work.

Ron Swanson.

How are you? Present.

I have a meeting at Public Works,

and I was thinking that maybe you might want to sit in.

Why would you think that?

They are working on a number of fascinating big-budget projects.

I'm very busy here.

That I am being forced to brutally cut entirely.

I can make room in my schedule.

Wonderful.

As you know, I'm not a big fan of delivering bad news.

Chris, it would be my absolute pleasure.

Have you considered cutting the entire fire department?

I have personally put out several local fires at no cost to the taxpayer.

Look to the left.

The right.

Whatever.

Are you the kind of doctor who gets hooked

on his own drugs? I bet you are.

So, Andy, tell me what happened.

I was reading an encyclopedia.

And I tripped or "fell over" and hit my head.

Or brain helmet.

Whatever you call it.

Yeah, he sneezed and smacked his head against the wall.

That sounds about right.

Well, if it's a concussion, it's extremely mild,

so I wouldn't worry about it.

Anything else bothering you?

Nope. Okay.

Well, I mean, yeah. I've got a weird rash in my knee-pit area.

And my tongue on this side doesn't taste anything anymore.

Sometimes, when I walk, my ankles make, like,

a weird rattlesnake sound.

What else? Things that are far away

from my eyes are fuzzy.

I once ate a Twix with the wrapper on it.

And I've never seen the wrapper come out.

Also, I've swallowed every piece of gum

that I've chewed for the past 25 years.

Andy... I don't know.

And I broke my thumb on the way over here. Just fix me.

Well, I can help you with the thumb,

but I'll have to give you referrals

for specialists for the other 1,000 things.

Wow. Thanks for nothing, Dr. Harris.

You're welcome.

Hey, I'm Bobby Newport. I'm a regular guy.

I like dogs.

I'm here with my Persian greyhound, Reclette,

who was given to me by my buddy,

the pretender to the crown of Alsace-Lorraine.

Hey, between you and me,

I think that Donna is having a problem with going negative in the ad.

Nuh-uh. I always go negative.

Even if I like the guy, I go negative.

Keeps them interested.

Thanks, Donna.

Well, I didn't want to tell you this,

but Ann is having a hard time with this.

She's kind of freaking out right now.

Oh, my God. This magic marker smells like cherries.

Hey, here's a question.

Do you like the idea?

It's... l...Who... Do you like it?

Look. You have a vision of how your campaign should go.

I am your chief strategist. So I'm sure we can work it out.

Why don't you just tell me what you're thinking?

I hate negative ads, and I would never do one in a million years.

Thank you, John for coming in.

The Public Works Department is wonderful.

And you are the best idea man in the business.

Also, we're canceling all of your on-going projects.

What? What about the Pawnee River dam?

Dam's dead. Have a nice day.

Where will all the water go?

Wherever it's headed now.

The important thing is,

the dam is never happening, and your dream has been crushed.

- We're very sorry. - I am not.

Good meeting.

It's not a negative ad.

We're stating facts about him, and, yeah, they happen to be negative,

because he's a bonehead.

Well, I wanted to run an ad that highlights the good things about me,

not the bad things about somebody else. Well...

Tom. You are our Communications Director. Weigh in here.

Leslie, I love your idea.

I also love your idea.

Two great ideas, two great people.

I don't know which idea is better.

But I do know I'll end up on the winning side.

When I bet on horses, I never lose.

Why?

I bet on all the horses.

How about we do this? We split up into teams.

We each make a demo version of our ad.

Whichever one we like better, we use.

Great idea. As long as Leslie thinks so, as well.

Sure. I'll pick Ann and Donna for my team.

You can take Jerry. What?

Well, you wanted to go negative.

You got the biggest negative in the world, buddy.

Okay, everybody, I need big smiles from you.

We're making a positive ad here.

So just think of this as Christmas and your birthday

and the first day of school all rolled up into one.

Positive is always better than negative.

Barack Obama said, "Yes, we can." And now, he's President.

Ben says, "No, we shouldn't." And now he's working for his girlfriend.

Guys, I need double the smiles. Okay? Let's take it back again.

And action.

And this is going great.

We're really positive. I think I'm getting good stuff, right?

What's...

Oh, come on.

Leslie, I think Bobby Newport's bus is in that shot.

Do you think?

E, H, four, M,

potato shape, coffee mug shape,

smudge, smudge, middle finger, smudge.

The rest are all smudges.

Oh, my God. You drove us here.

We made, like, a hundred million doctors' appointments

for ourselves in one week.

After this, we won't have to go to the doctor for, like, 10 years.

Because we're smart.

Well, you definitely need glasses.

No, he's not getting glasses. I like his face the way it is.

If you get glasses, I'll divorce you.

Well, you heard her, Doc. Too handsome for glasses.

No offense.

I've got to admit, his hair game is on point.

I've got to find out what kind of product he puts up in his hair.

Hey, how's Leslie's ad going?

It's very good.

But yours is also very good.

- You ready for the voiceover? - Yeah.

Bobby Newport's never had a real job in his life.

You've got to give it more attitude. It's got to scare people.

Bobby Newport...

Yeah, okay. All right.

Bobby Newport's never had a real job in his life.

Bobby Newport's never had a real job in his life.

Bobby Newport.

Bobby Newport.

Bobby Newport.

Bobby Newport.

Bobby Newport.

Newport.

Bobby... Bobby...

Bobby... Newport.

All right, now we're just wasting time, Jerry.

Ron Swanson. I want to thank you

for being so ruthless and cruel in the meeting the other day.

You'll have to be more specific.

With the Public Works Department, about the dam.

Ah! What do you say I take you to lunch?

And then we can talk about all the projects

that you want to get accomplished.

That won't be necessary. I don't have any projects.

I hate projects.

What a pill. We should order. And then we can talk shop.

What are you going to have?

I'm thinking something raw and cucumber-based.

A cucumber.

I don't know what happened. I declined his invitation.

He started laughing, and the next thing I knew, we were at lunch.

Did he drug me?

Hi, I'm Bobby Newport.

My dad is friends with John Cougar Mellencamp.

That's pretty cool.

What is this guy running for?

President of being on every channel all the time?

Reminder, Leslie. We have less than

an hour to get the ad to the station.

Ann, you're beautiful and you're organized.

So, in order not to bias anyone,

these are the two ads that Ben and I made.

I am just going to pick one randomly and we'll play that one first.

Oh, yay! The awesome one.

Hi, I'm Leslie Knope.

I'm pro-parks, pro-public safety, and I'm pro-clean water.

I'm also pro-environmental regulation.

And I'm very, very pro-local-propositions 45, 86 and 102F.

But most of all, I'm pro-Pawnee.

Here are some other things that I'm pro.

As you can see, I'm in favor of a lot of things.

Like hot dogs. Right, Charlie?

I'm Leslie Knope, and I approve this message.

Yes. I love it. Fantastic.

Do we even want to screen yours?

Yeah. That was awful.

What do you mean? Name one thing that was wrong with it.

Okay. You never even mentioned you were running for office.

You literally never said the words "City Council."

I didn't... That... It's implied. I didn't...

We can just put it in. Okay.

Leslie is so good at so many things.

And so bad at that.

Bobby Newport's been handed

everything on a silver platter.

His cushy job at his dad's candy company?

Handed to him.

His 60-foot boat, Bobby's Boat?

Handed to him when he was 12.

Leslie Knope is running for City Council, too.

And she's earned everything she's ever gotten.

Yeah, she has.

Bobby Newport wants you to just hand him this election.

Don't.

I won't.

Yes.

Yes. Yes. I love it.

Now, people, this is an ad.

It's succinct, it's punchy...

It's mean.

It's depressing. It's awful.

I am Ben Wyatt, and I want to destroy Leslie's dreams.

Okay. If you're allergic to any food, we'll know in a few days.

I think based on the redness,

I might be allergic to getting stabbed by needles.

We have already been to, like, five different doctors.

I got my ankles micro-waved. X-rayed.

They took my blood away to use for science. Cholesterol test.

April had her

sinuses removed? Looked at.

Some guy looked at my wiener. Touched it.

That was weird.

And that guy wasn't even a doctor. That...

What?

Now, I think it is time for us to take a vote.

So who's in favor of Ben's ad?

Traitors!

Ann, I painted your garage pink.

I did not ask you to do that.

Leslie, look. I want you to win, and Ben's ad is just better.

Our friendship is over.

No, it's not. It's not over. It's never over. BFF, I love you forever.

You know what? It seems like we're kind of evenly split.

I think we should keep debating.

We're not split. It's unanimous. We air my ad.

No, I... This is just...

It's just not the way I dreamed it would be.

This is the right call. Okay? I promise.

Okay.

I'm going to air a negative ad. It's out of my hands now.

And you know what? I'm actually feeling very Zen about this.

Are you Ben Wyatt? Yeah.

Okay. I need that DVD in the control room.

Oh, my God. Leslie.

I am Leslie Knope, and I do not approve this message.

What are you doing? What are you...

Give it to me. Give me... No.

All right. The good news is there's only two pieces of bad news.

The bad news is none of our ads aired,

and we cannot get our money back.

Oh, God.

There was probably a better way for you to tell us that.

You both really blew this.

But I can't wait to hear your new ideas. I love them already.

I'm hungry-

Tommy needs a mango. See you.

I'm really sorry I tackled you.

It's just I'd rather run the fake campaign ads that I made when I was 10

than become negative and cynical.

Look. I really don't want to crush your childhood dreams.

But I bet in your dreams, you weren't losing an election by 70 points.

You need to get tougher, Leslie. You just have to.

You need to get tougher. You were pretty easy to take down.

Thanks.

Ron Swanson.

Just the man I wanted to see.

I'm going to be going to a seminar

on the art of the Japanese tea ceremony,

or chagai, at the Pawnee Community College.

And I thought you might like to come with me.

Why?

I know how much you value silence.

A fair point.

But we did just have lunch last week,

so I feel like we've spent enough social time together

for the foreseeable ever.

All right. Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me.

Donna Meagle. Chris Traeger.

For some godforsaken reason,

that man is suddenly determined to hang on with me.

You mean hang out?

- What is wrong with him? - I don't know.

He's got you doing Ben's job eating lunch with him like Ben used to.

Maybe he just misses his little buddy.

Let's get you home and get me some ice cream.

Here's your bill.

Oh, yeah. We won't be needing that.

I've got the free medicine card.

There's a $500 deductible for dental procedures.

Oh, I think, you're wrong.

We have the insurance thing.

I believe we're covered.

It's still $500.

Let's see here.

Oh, because...

You know what? Let's go! Dine and dash.

Out of the way!

Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

Uh-oh!

Andy! Call an ambulance!

Andy! A different ambulance

than the one I ran into!

This is City Council candidate Leslie Knope, when she was 10 years old.

Hi. I'm Leslie Knope. I love Pawnee.

And I want to make it even better.

Better schools, safer streets,

and a more progressive tax on residential properties.

This is City Council candidate Bobby Newport today.

People keep asking me,

"Bobby, what are you going to do once you get into office?"

I'm pretty sure I'll figure it out.

Leslie Knope had better ideas when she was 10

than Bobby Newport has now.

They do have one thing in common.

I like dogs. I like dogs.

For a better Pawnee, vote Knope for City Council.

Well, we already have a thousand views.

Yeah, but no calls from reporters. No interview requests.

I don't care. I'm proud of it.

Are you sure?

Yes. It is accurate about my opponent. It does not...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold that thought.

Ron Swanson. What a pleasant surprise.

And who's this?

This is a great friend of mine.

He is a fellow who works in the building, and he is named

Dennis. Kyle.

He strongly enjoys Japanese culture.

And I thought he might want to go with you to the thing.

The tea ceremony? Yes.

You're a brother Japanophile?

I was eating rice and Ron made me come up here.

But, sure, that sounds fun. Arigatou.

Ron, a moment.

All right, pal. Level with me. What's going on?

Well, you seemed like you wanted a friend.

No, no, no. I am not lonely. I have me.

And 4,000 Facebook friends, and a hot girlfriend.

I wanted to spend time with you,

because I have to replace Ben as Assistant City Manager.

And I was giving you a try-out of sorts.

Now, I'll mull my options for the next few months.

But I'd love you to keep an open mind.

Kyle-san. Arigatou.

Mr. Newport. Hello. Hi.

Leslie Knope. Ben Wyatt.

Yeah. Hi. Good to see you.

Nice to see you. You guys want anything?

This is a restaurant, so they have food and stuff.

I'll take a milkshake. No, we're good.

We're good.

What can we do for you?

Yes.

Why did you guys post that video of me, man?

I mean, that didn't make me feel good.

It was mean. You guys are mean.

Well, we used your own ad, so I don't think it was mean.

All right. Let me lay it out for you.

My friends keep sending me links

to that video and they just make fun of me.

So just...

Stop running, okay? Just, that... Stop.

Stop running the ad?

No, stop running the campaign.

What? Just quit.

It would be so cool of you if you just quit.

Then I can win the election and I'll have a big party.

And I'll put you both on the guest list, plus one.

I'm going to have a man who does magic.

He's really good.

Not, like, cheesy magic. Like, good magic.

We're not going to quit the campaign.

Why would we do that?

Because.

I want it. Come on. Give me it.

Give me it. Give me it. Come on. Give me it.

Just give me the election. I'm sorry.

Please. Please.

Well, Leslie, he does make a compelling argument.

Come on. Come on.

Guy...

Bobby.

Oh, it's not padded.

Can I ask you a question?

Why are you even running for office?

You know what? I need something to do to get my dad off my back.

This seemed easy.

What about you? Why are you doing it? Who's your dad?

I'm running for office, because I want to improve the lives

of the people that I love in the city

that's the greatest city in the world.

What? What does that even mean?

Hey. I've got an idea. How about you quit running,

then I win, but then I let you do all the work?

I'm not going anywhere. And we are going to debate soon.

And I need to warn you. I know my stuff.

So you should toughen up.

Why are you guys smiling? I feel bad.

Hey, quick question That little girl from your video?

Oh, my God. She's so cute.

Do you think you could talk to her and let her do an ad for me?

That girl is me.

As a 10-year-old.

How did you do that?

Maybe we should see one of the other doctors.

No. No more doctors.

They're a bunch of scam artists.

They reel you in with the free stuff,

and the next thing you know, bam,

you run into an ambulance.

Every time.

Let's just go home and care for each other.

We can buy a sewing kit and you can sew up my lip

underneath a bridge somewhere.

That's so romantic.

Oh.

Sorry, I forgot.

Let's go. All right.

Do you think sewing kits are covered by insurance?

Or groceries? Or, like, Xbox games?

What is insurance? I don't know. Who cares?