All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S04E08 - Smallest Park (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Tom. I would like you to redesign
our Parks Department logo.

Sounds cool so far.

Re-think our visual brand.

Take these words and
make something amazing.

So, you're saying you want
me to choose a new font?

Yes, essentially, I'd like
you to choose a new font.

Jerry. I am making you my number
two guy on the new font project.

Come on. That's too close Let's
make him our number three.

Fair enough.
Jerry, you're number three.

There's only two of us.

He has been in this
department a long time.

I think maybe you could
learn something from him.

Our research shows that our park
will draw 5,000 visitors a year.

And I want this to
be the most amazing,

awe-inspiring, fun-filled
park ever conceived.

Now, how big
is the park, exactly?

It is point-zero-zero-zero
zero-zero-three square miles.

Recently, the last remaining telephone
booths in Pawnee were torn down.

And on that patch of concrete,

I am creating Pawnee's
newest tourist attraction,

the Smallest Park in Indiana.

The title is currently held by Martin
Luther King, Junior, Park in Terryville.

But guess what, Terryville sucks old
car tires and so does Martin Luther...

No. He does not
suck old car tires.

He was one of
the greatest men in history.

I'm sorry.
Sometimes, I get competitive.

Has there been any resistance
from the community?

No. Not at all.

It's so small,
we don't even need

to do an Environmental
Impact Report.

It's inexpensive, it benefits the town.
It's a total slam dunk.

You two, when you work on a project
together, are simply amazing.

Great job, team.

Man. All these classes look amazing.
I can't choose.

They do this thing
called a "shopping period,"

where you can just sample
as many classes as you want.

Really?
Yeah.

Sports and Society.
Physical Science.

A crash course? Yeah, but
it's not what you think.

Oh, I did not graduate college
because I did not "attend it."

But I'm trying
to improve myself,

so I'm going to start
by taking just one class.

If you're going to take
a college course, Andrew,

you should
explore a new subject.

Broaden your horizons.

Yeah.
Horizons are dumb.

Never broaden your horizons.
Yep.

Just take something you're
great at and get an easy A.

No offense, Ron, but April's
way sounds way easier.

Guitar for beginners.

I value a good education.

So, I don't want to see Andy
waste his time in college.

Of all my coworkers,

he is one of a small number whom
I do not actively root against.

There I go,
getting all sappy.

Hey-
Hey-

So, I have about nine things
I need to talk to you about.

The first is
the ribbon cutting ceremony.

Do you know
who's bringing scissors?

Because I cannot tell you how
many ceremonies get derailed

when people don't bring scissors.
Right.

Number two... Listen. I'm
actually glad you're here.

Oh, yeah?

After this project finishes, I'm
going to focus on other departments

and cut down my time
with Parks and Rec.

What?

Well, look. I mean, we tried
hanging out together.

We tried working together.
And it just bums me out.

No,no,no. See, we're just
working out the kinks.

You don't need to decrease
your time with me.

In fact, you need to
increase your time with me.

You need to spend more time with me.
That make sense?

I think it does. No. Leslie.
No. Listen to me.

After the
smallest park wraps up,

I am going to ask Chris to take
over all Parks and Rec business.

Okay?

Okay.
All right.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I need to
ascertain the whereabouts

of some oversized
ceremonial scissors.

Those are my
pens and pencils.

Okay. Now, see, I think that Comic
Sans always screams fun. Right?

But, man, those R's in
Helvetica, they're just,

you know like,
really popping for me.

I've never been more bored in my entire life.
Who cares about letters?

The only good font is the Sopranos
one, where the R is a pistol.

Let's think bigger, people.
Come on.

What about a top-to-bottom makeover
for the entire department?

I'm talking new uniforms, new
signage, new color scheme.

A whole new, sexy vibe.

I don't know. This really isn't
what Chris asked us to do.

You know what? Maybe we should
just stick to the assignment.

Cool, Jerry.
I'd take your advice

if I wanted to be a dead-eyed
government drone with no ambition.

Yes. Technically,
my new job is my old job.

But I'm not some boring
Jerry Gergich-type guy.

I'm more of a Steve Harvey.

I dream big, I shake things up,
and I always wear dope suits.

Okay. Can anyone tell me
what this is called?

That's a fret.
Yeah.

And the little thing
you've got right there?

It's called a capo.
It changes the key.

Maybe you should be
in the advanced class?

Yeah, maybe I should.

Dude, dumb it down.

But I couldn't possibly,
because I'm just a beginner.

I barely haven't even
ever seen a gor-tar.

Okay. We will be working on basic
chords for the first four weeks.

Oh, my God. Four weeks?

I'm already bored.

Of course you are. You're
not challenging yourself.

I suggest we sample
a few more classes.

Fine.
Very good.

Goodbye, everybody.
Guess what.

I was secretly an undercover
rock star this whole time.

For what it's worth, I think you
would make an incredible brunette.

Ron Swanson.

I mean, he's not even attending
the ribbon cutting ceremony

of a park that
we made together.

I'm sorry, Leslie.

I'm just freaking out The only
thing we have left is work.

And now, he doesn't want
to work together anymore?

What does that all mean?

I think you know
what it means.

Yeah.

I should just drag out
that tiny park project

for as long as possible so Ben
and I can keep working together.

That's almost exactly
the opposite of what I meant.

No, what I'll do is I'll get
the neighborhood all riled up.

And then, maybe they'll ask for
an Environmental Impact Report.

And then, Ben and I will work
together for at least another year.

Leslie, for God's sakes.
Good idea, Ann.

No, Ann.
Please, I beg of you.

Will you just shut
your beautiful pie hole?

Just sit there.
Let me stare at you,

while you silently support
me on this game plan.

Leslie. Leslie!
Ann.

Your quiet support
means the world to me.

As well as your tacit endorsement
of all my behaviors.

As a mature, reasonable adult,

I understand that this
will be the last project

that Ben and I are
working on together.

So, please join us
for the grand opening

of Pawnee's smallest park
on November 12th, 2070.

Thank you for coming
to this very important

and what I suspect
will be lengthy meeting.

The proposed park
is very small,

but we believe we need
to investigate every detail.

So, if anyone has
any questions for me

or Assistant City Manager
Ben Wyatt, go right ahead.

Hi. I have a question
about this project.

Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where's the fire?

Let's get to know
each other first.

Tell me about
your childhood.

Is there going to be
basketball there?

Basketball courts attract
undesirables to my community.

Well, there's barely room for an
actual basketball, much less a court.

Because there is
a definite type of person

I associate with basketball,

and I'd rather not have
that type of person nearby.

Don't worry.
You don't need to worry.

Okay, I'll just come
right out and say it.

I'll tell you what type...

You don't have to do that.
...of person I don't like.

No, no, no. I think we get it.
Yep, we do, Rose.

And you bring up
a very good point.

Intolerance.
Can we be doing more?

I'd like to hear from
each and every one of you

about a time when prejudice
has touched your lives.

Hello, everyone. My name
is Professor Barnes.

The class I'll be teaching this
semester is Introduction to Lasers.

The word laser stands for

Light Amplification by Stimulated
Emission of Radiation.

Where are the lasers?

This graphic here represents
the electromagnetic spectrum,

arranged from
low frequency...

He's not even using
a laser pointer.

He's right.
This class stinks.

Stick with it.
You might learn something.

Excuse me. Professor?
Hi, there. Andy Dwyer.

Curious.
When will you be

bringing out the lasers
for me to play with?

And will we start
with the small lasers

or could we go just
straight to the big lasers,

in terms of playing with them?

We won't be using
actual lasers in this course.

It's about the theory
that makes them possible.

One of the most significant
bummers of my lifetime.

First up, a personal favorite.
The Sopranos option.

Now, I guarantee you
anyone that sees this logo

is not going to
forget about it.

This is our current
community center.

This is our new
community center!

That's right. It looks
like an Apple Store.

Today I'm a Beverly
Hills plastic surgeon.

And the Parks Department is a wrinkly
old housewife in her early 30s.

I'm about to work a miracle.

Thank you, ma'am.
What a story. Anyone else?

Anyone. This gentleman
wants to say something.

No, I don't.
Come on, Mel.

You're always
up in arms about something.

No, I'm not. I'm not always
up in arms about something.

Here we go.
That's the spirit.

Talk to me about
what's bothering you.

Okay. That will do it.
Thanks, everybody.

I once hosted a forum about a new
bike rack that lasted seven hours.

Now, when I need these people to
complain, they're done in 45 minutes?

Check it out. You can get credit for
playing intramural Frisbee Golf.

Okay. You can take
a class on the Civil War.

Why would I take a class on
something that's already happened?

Look, you guys have
already had your say.

Now, I want to try something
that I want to try.

And I'm going to make my choice,
as I always do, at random.

As she was burned at the stake,
Joan of Arc did not cower.

She did not beg for mercy.

She said in a
strong, clear voice,

"I am not afraid.
I was born to do this."

I want to be
burned at the stake.

Many societal institutions were
established solely to oppress women.

To this day, some feminists
have even condemned marriage

as a glorified
form of slavery.

Amen.

That class was awesome.

I wholeheartedly agree.

If that woman weren't so
violently opposed to marriage,

I think I would
propose to her.

Well, then, it's decided. Andy Dwyer
will be taking Women's Lasers.

Women's Studies.

Sorry. God, I cannot stop
thinking about lasers.

Women's Studies. ls there
such thing as Women's Lasers?

That would be my
number one pick.

Excuse me. What the
heck is going on here?

Just preparing for
the grand opening

of this tiny but
very intrusive park.

We were told this would have very
little impact on the neighborhood.

This flier lists
hundreds of events.

There are fireworks
every night at midnight?

They start at midnight. Who knows
when they're going to end?

Look, I don't even know
the impact of this park,

because the city skipped an
Environmental Impact Report.

So, we don't know about traffic
problems or sound or lights or crime.

I mean, it's all a mystery.

Don't you work
for the government?

I do, Joe. Yeah, that's how I know
just how high this conspiracy goes.

What can we do about it?

I'm glad you asked.
I have some ideas.

These are our
current park rangers.

What are they up to?
No one cares.

They're boring
and I hate them.

But coming this spring to the Style
Network, Ranger Reality Show.

I'm sorry, Tom, but, Chris, he just
wanted us to choose a new font.

I mean, really,
you've gone way off track.

Well, guess what, Jerry. I'm a dreamer.
Okay? I dream big. Deal with it.

Tom.
Weekends are for dreaming.

You are a government worker.
This is a government job.

Plus, isn't
dreaming big exactly

what got you in trouble
with your old company?

Hey. Where are you going, Joe?
Bathroom break?

No. Get back over there. I'll
find you a bottle or something.

Where did all of
these people come from?

And why did they turn so
quickly on this project?

Well, you know how it goes.

It only takes one nut job
to get people riled up.

I hate to say this, but I think
we're going to have to do

that Environmental
Impact Report.

They are
explicitly demanding it.

Hey, everybody? Listen up.

In response to
your complaints,

we are canceling all of
these disruptive events.

This park is just going to be a quiet
patch of grass, harming nobody.

Everybody cool?

Yeah.

Great.

Dream Team!

Actually, Chris,
I know you think

that we're a dream team.
Dream Team!

Yeah. But we're not.

You see, Leslie, here,
is a team of one.

And that might be
a very good team.

But she kind of steamrolls
the rest of her team,

me, to do
whatever she wants,

regardless of how the
rest of her team, me, feels.

So, I don't think we should
work together anymore.

Wow. That was
very hard to hear.

So many negative words.

I just need
to process this.

Okay, the Dream Team is dead.

But you guys
had a great run.

Oh, and the park is open.
Yay.

Ha-ha!

Good job with that.

Hello, ma'am, who is
just as equal as men.

I would like
one ticket for Women.

He would like to register
for Women's Studies.

Okay. Here's the
registration form.

And we'll need a check
or money order for $940.

Why?

Why didn't you tell me
it was so expensive?

I didn't know. My parents
pay for my classes.

I'll just have them pay for yours, too.
No. God, no.

That's embarrassing. I know.

I'm going to beg for money on
the street like a drug addict.

No.
Yep.

Oh, my God. Everything in my
life is going wrong right now.

Whose fault is this?
I demand to know.

Actually... Ben thinks
that I'm a steamroller?

That's unbelievable. How dare he
think that I'm a steamroller?

Leslie, I'm just telling you
this because I love you.

I know. He's just going
through a phase right now.

And eventually, we're going
to both be friends again.

No, what I was going to say
is that you really are...

Working too hard. I know.

Ann, you keep starting
all these sentences and not...

You're a steamroller!

You are a massive, enormous, runaway
steamroller, with no brakes

and a cement brick
on the gas pedal.

You made me watch all eight
Harry Potter movies.

I don't even
like Harry Potter.

That's insane. You love Harry Potter.
You've seen all eight movies.

When we go out to a bar,
you order my drinks for me.

Because you order white wine
and it gives you a headache.

Well, it's my headache.

Leslie, you do
what you want,

you ignore what
other people want,

and you hear only
what you want to hear.

Okay. I know.
I know I do this.

I'm the worst.

No, you're very passionate.

You just push
too hard sometimes.

Well, then, you should call me a
bulldozer rather than a steamroller.

I'm sorry.

It's going to be okay.

Is it?

Honestly. Is it?

I mean, I guess I just
need to leave Ben alone.

That's what
he says he wants.

Okay.

Well, this steamroller
is hanging up her...

The roll-y thing on
the front of the machine.

What do you,
what do you call that?

Roller?
Probably. Okay.

Got you a little
pick-me-up, Tommy.

A triple-decker ham-and-cheese
from the cafeteria.

Always makes me
feel better.

Two pathetic guys, eating pathetic sandwiches.
Sounds terrific.

I guess I'm Jerry now.

After work,
I'll just go home,

straight to my boring
house, kiss my wife,

and have
a home-cooked meal

with my three
beautiful daughters.

What a miserable life.

I have been here, well,
30-some years.

And the best way
to cope with this job

is to do everything
the exact same way every day.

Heck, I still use
my original ID card

from my first day on the job.
Check this out.

Oh, my God.

I've got to go.
Put my sammie in the fridge.

Mouse Rat CD. $30.

Candy bars. $50. $50.

God, people here
are so cheap.

April,
where have you been?

Over two phone calls
came in unimpeded.

We're raising money
for my college education, Ron.

I took a second job,
back at my old job.

Do you want a shoe shine?
It's $100.

Laugh all you want, Kyle.

I already took the money
out of your wallet.

Oh.

Good news, son.

You have just won
a Ron Swanson scholarship.

I don't think so.

I don't remember applying for that.
No, Andy.

Ron Swanson scholarship.

Wait. Are you serious?

Stop this.
No.

Stop or you lose the money.

Why not? I like the kid,
and I have the money.

One thing I promised myself when
I buried gold in my backyard

was that I'd never be a
hoarder or a miser about it.

Okay. Is this Health Department
business or Leslie business?

You need to go
talk to her.

Why? So she can force me to
spend time with her again? No.

No way. I'm done talking.

Listen, I know she can be
strong-willed and difficult.

Okay? She once made me
eat an entire cheesecake

at a potluck
so she didn't look bad.

But I really think
she's ready to listen.

You ate
an entire cheesecake?

Why didn't you
just throw it away?

Because with everything
she's done for me,

I would eat
10 cheesecakes for her.

Also, PS, it was delicious and
amazing, like everything she does.

Will you please just
talk to her for my sake?

I don't have
unlimited texting,

and when she can't
talk to you, she texts me.

So, we take the
old logo from the 1970s

and we make limited-edition hats,
posters, T-shirts, everything.

People love limited editions.

Plus, parents will get
swept up in the nostalgia

and want to
go to the parks

to recreate the fun
they had growing up.

This is amazing.

It is possibly the best
idea anyone has had

in this government
in 100 years.

Tom, terrific.

Thanks. But most of the credit
goes to my number four, Jerry.

He shared some words of
wisdom with me today.

And while he was
yammering on about whatever,

I happened to see
his old ID card.

Thanks, buddy.

Yeah.

Hey.
Hi.

I wasn’t sure
you were going to come.

Well, I got very curious when you
only left me one voice-mail message

instead of your usual 20.

I'm trying to be a little less intense
and a little more considerate.

Here, have a seat.
But only if you want to.

Okay. I want to.

I never listened
to what you wanted

or how you wanted us to be
when things ended between us.

I just decided what I wanted,

and I got upset when you
didn't want the same thing.

I know that's not fair,
and I'm very sorry.

Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.

If you don't want to have
any more contact with me,

I finally understand.

I don't want that. Really.

But I just think
it's for the best.

Okay.
Okay.

Okay.

There is another option.

We could just say, "Screw it,"
and do this thing for real.

What?
I miss you like crazy.

I think about you
all the time.

I want to be with you.

So, let's just say,
"Screw it."

No. We would have to tell Chris.
Yeah.

It could turn into a scandal.
Yeah.

It could hurt your campaign.
Yes.

How would you imagine we do this?
I don't know.

But I know how I feel
and I want to be with you.

But I'm done
steamrolling people.

This is how I feel.
How do you feel?

First day. You ready?

As ready as I'll ever be.

Oh, crap. I forgot my
books and my computer.

Just pay attention to
the lecture. And enjoy.

My first day of college, my father
dropped me off at the steel mill.

He didn't think
I should go to college

But I hitched a ride,
enrolled, and learned a lot.

Hope Andy does, too.

We need to start teaching women football.
Teaching women UFC.

Teaching them to drive trucks
without crashing.

Hey. Maybe I'm only sexy,
and maybe that's all you see.

But at least you can give me extra
money, tip money and stuff.

I'll flirt with you,
write my name on a napkin.

They're going to do it in
a right kind of legal way

that empowers prostitution.

We don't rest until we get that.
That will be progress.

That is extremely incorrect.

I thought...
I thought maybe it was.

When I was...
I'll get them next time.

Back to you, Professor.