Original subtitles

MS. FLINT: Very impressive, Josephina. You never sounded more flatulent.

That means fart, right?

Congratulations on your flatulation.

So, I did it? (GIGGLES) I'm going to be a jokester?

It was my first try, and oh, my word.

Please see Mr. Crummyham in Monster Resources

regarding your transfer paperwork, and I'll see you on the Laugh Floor.

You see that? In ten minutes, that's gonna be me.

Uh, Ms. Flint, uh, are we all supposed to be playing fart xylophones,

'cause I didn't bring mine.

Oh, darn. Mr., uh, Tusclin.

-Tuskmon. -Okay. Welcome to this week's auditions.

Let's see what you got.

Uh, it said guaranteed laughs. Uh...

Are the peels supposed to do something or is that on me?

Mmm, how about you try again next week, Mr. Tusclin?

Hey-oh! How we doing? Good to be here.

Uh, say, did you hear the one about the invisible kid in the doctor's office?

(CHUCKLES) Oh! Oh! Uh...

Sorry. (STUTTERS) Is it supposed to lie back down like that? Is that normal?

Not if you were funny. How about you come back next week?

Box, box, box. Rope, rope. Wind.

Oh, sorry! Box, box, box.

I thought mimes don't use words.

Same time next week, Mr. Tusclin.

-(BEEPS) -Next week.

-(BEEPS) -Next week.

-(BEEPS) -Next week.

(LAUGHS) It's funny, no? Come on, man. I just need a laugh, all right?

Between you and me, I would have stuck with the fart xylophone myself.

Me, too.

Uh, Ms. Flint, hi. Look. (SIGHS)

I know Robot Boy is burning, but I'm pretty sure it was laughing, too.

I heard it. I'm not making this up. You heard that...

-Mr. Tusclin. -Yes. Tuskmon.

-But... Yep. -While I appreciate your persistence,

all my data indicates that, well, how do I put this kindly?

It's like if boring and unfunny got married, had a kid,

and that kid had his sense of humor surgically removed,

that kid would still be funnier than you.

Sorry. Are you saying I need to have something surgically removed?

Because I'll do it. I mean, I...

Perhaps I need to be clearer.

Not all scarers are cut out to be jokesters.

I'm sorry to say, that was your last audition.

-For now? -Forever.

-Um, but if you'll just let me come... -You are not funny.

Good day, Mr. Tusclin.

It's... Tuskmon.

ANNOUNCER: Hello, mini monsters. Remain with your chaperones, please.

YETI: Snow cones here! Get your snow cones!

We got lemon, we got lingonberry.

And the original snow flavor.

-It's Mini Monsters Day. -(MINI MONSTERS LAUGHING)

The day we open up the factory to all you kids

to learn about working at Monsters, Inc.

Hey! Watch the back.

CELIA: And the best part is, as supervisor,

I get to tell other monsters what to do without having to do anything myself.

-ALL: Nice! -If you work hard and dream big,

one day, you can empty the trash cans here, too.

Shut up. You want to put us out of a job?

-That's so unsanitary. -(MOANING)

NEEDLEMAN AND SMITTY: But cute!

Do I have to do this, Mom?

-MS. FLINT: It's just for one day. -(GROANS)

You say that every year.

MS. FLINT: Come on, Thalia.

OTIS: Please hold, he'll be right with you.

Hey, Otis. How's your mom?

Oh, thanks for asking, Thalia. Her eyesight's going, hmm...

But she's got more eyes where those came from.

-So it's not a problem. -What group is she with?

-I gotta get back to the funny business. -Let me check.

Uh, she's with... Ooh, MIFT. The Monsters, Inc. Fun Team.

Fun! Right. Sorry, honey.

(SIGHS) MIFT.

All right, kids. Kids, over here. Come on, gather around.

And prepare to have your mini monster minds blown wide open.

Blown wide open? Cool.

-Is that safe? -Hold it. Where's Ty-Ty?

He can't miss his very first Mini Monster Day.

-MONSTER: Morning, Tylor. -(GASPS) Oh, there he is.

How'd the audition go?

-Sixth time's the charm. -Seventh.

-Seventh time's the charm? -(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

That's it. No more auditions. No more jokester. Nothing, ever.

Sorry, Double T. But, hey, nobody gets to be sad on Mini Monster Day.

-It's gonna cheer you up. -I don't know.

-I'm not feeling it. -Happy, happy.

I don't wanna...

I thought we were gonna get paired with jokesters.

Jokesters? Oh, no. They're way over there.

Oh, don't you worry, no. You get to spend the day with us.

The Monsters, Inc. Facilities Team.

-What's a facilities? -It's another word for bathroom.

-We're on the Toilet Team? -Flush away.

-Which one of you is Gerty? -The Toilet Team.

-Gerty. Gerty. Gerty. -(CRYING)

Aw, it's okay. It's okay.

You're okay. You know why? You're with me. I'm the boss.

-Hiya! I'm Val Little. -Thalia Flint.

Well, little Miss Flint, we are going to have a great day.

A whole day underground with MIFT. Whoop-dee-doo.

We're gonna take that whoop-dee-doo and turn it into whoo-hoo

before the day is done.

(SARCASTICALLY) Whoo-hoo!

Why don't we start with the "whoo" and work our way to the "hoo"?

-No? -(SIGHS)

Just a little "whoo"? Tiny bit of "whoo"?

-Teeny tiny "whoo"? -ALEXANDER: Big guy with big horns.

(GASPS) Tylor, hi. My name's Alexander, and we're gonna be BFF-AE-AE-AE-AE-Fs.

That's best friends forever, and ever and ever, and ever and ever, forever.

I can't wait for you to show me...

Lucky you. I got stuck with Ms. Flint's kid.

Ms. Flint's kid?

The crab apple does not fall far from the tree.

Ms. Flint's kid, as in, Ms. Flint, the one who's in charge of the auditions?

Yeah, Flint. Thalia's so much like her mom.

"I've never cracked a smile.

"I'm not gonna smile, no matter what you say,

"'cause I'm so solemn."

-TYLOR: Ms. Flint's kid? -(MINI MONSTERS LAUGHING)

The doctor said he couldn't see him right now.

Doctor jokes? Comedy gold!

Probably the funniest monster at Monsters, Inc.

Give him another chance, Mom. Give him another chance!

ALL: (CHANTING) Another chance!

MS. FLINT: Our newest jokester, Tylor Tuskmon.

Your naked chicken.

And I gave her the "whoo," and the "hoo" and she just walks away.

-Trade with me. -Trade with who?

You gotta trade with me.

-Please. Come on. -But she was assigned to me.

Best friend since college.

-Please, Val. -To me.

Look at me. Please, please. Don't make me beg. Please.

-But, uh... -Please. Please. Please.

(SINGING) We're going down We're going down, down, down

We're going where?

(SIGHS) Thanks for trading, Val. (SQUEALS)

Good luck!

Hey, there, Thalia. I'm Tylor. Tylor Tuskmon. Eh?

-Remember my name. (CHUCKLES) -(SCOFFS)

We're going down to MIFT We're going down to MIFT

-For the next nine hours... -Including lunch and two 15-minute breaks.

I want you to think of this place as your, um, you know, your, um...

-Home away from home? -Your home away from hope.

Buckle up.

VAL: Okay, let's play two truths and a lie. I'll go first.

When I was 12, I swallowed someone's tooth.

Duncan's middle name's Pepperidge. And I hate trying new things.

No. I bet you love trying new things, right?

(GASPS) Right. You totally get me.

-Yes! -Whoo-hoo!

And here we are, child.

The workplace of Duncan, pianist and deputy supervisor.

My name is Oscar, not child.

You don't have any interest in Fritz's job, do you?

-No. -Then you wouldn't mind

signing a simple contract to legalize your response.

If you don't mind signing my contract

releasing me from all liability for my actions.

I like your style, kid.

And as you can see, there is plenty of equipment in here

that could result in a workplace accident.

Has anyone ever had an accident?

You mean anyones?

Klaus, Rodney, Carl,

oh, just a few of the casualties of improper safety procedures, my friend.

Whoa!

Was this alive?

Depends on your definition of alive.

Yep. I keep a little souvenir of each.

Both as a reminder of the unsafe incident,

and as a unique use of my leisure time.

-(BOTTLES CLINK) -(GASPS) It moved.

Now, the original Drooler Cooler was made from real drool.

Not the high gooptose horn syrup that they use today.

(CHUCKLES) I bet you didn't know that.

You're not much of a talker, are you?

-You wanna hear a joke? -Nope.

Okay. So, a griffin, a slug and a hydra walk into a dive bar.

Wait, no... That might not be appropriate.

-Um, oh, maybe, uh... -This desk seems small for you.

Oh, that's because it's my temporary desk.

I was gonna be a scarer, then the Laugh Power thing...

-Another scarer. Great. -Wait. It used to be Banana Bread's desk.

I mean, Winchester. His name is Winchester.

Oh, yeah. The Winchester guy.

My mom mentioned his amazing comic theory, blah, blah...

(GASPS) Stop the clock. Your mom's Ms. Flint? I did not know that.

That is so weird. I mean, because I wanna be a jokester, and your mom's like...

-Can I just go to my mom's office? -Why?

You're gonna be having so much fun, you're not gonna wanna go back.

Just think of me as like your fun uncle. (CHUCKLES)

I had a fun uncle. He's dead.

I'm sorry for your loss.

MIFTers and mini MIFTers, look alive,

because we've got a (SCATS) work (SING-SONG) order.

-We lost our kid. Sorry. -What do you mean you lost your kid?

The work order said it's a broken trash can wheel.

It broke when Smitty tripped over it chasing after our kid.

Yeah, that little slugger's fast.

This is as bad as when we lost the kid from last year.

-And the year before that. -And the year before that.

Well, we eventually found all of 'em. I think.

Um, am I the only one who thinks we should call security?

-Wait. What does this kid look like? -(GIBBS GIGGLING)

BOTH: He looks like that!

MIFTers, you and your mini MIFTers, search the door shafts.

Gerty, you and I are heading for the DVC.

-"DVC"? -The Door Vault Control.

-Come on. -Let's go.

-Me? But I'm not a MIFTer. -Hey! Today, you're with us.

VAL: Little Gibbs could be anywhere.

Val, take the DVN shafts. Tylor, take the DVS.

-Roger that. -Duncan and I will take the DVW.

-(CHUCKLES) -OSCAR: Whoa!

Kurtz, we've got a problem.

KURTZ: Hey. I'm busy watching here.

A mini monster was lost in the door shaft. Have you seen anything?

I can't make a move without a 4-22-16.

You want me to fill out a form?

If I don't have it, Roze'll have my...

Keep your eyes peeled and let me know if you see anything.

-(GASPS) I saw something. -TYLOR: Watch it!

You're okay. Come in, Val.

(ON RADIO) Little Gibbs is headed your way.

-(GIGGLES) -Got him. Hold tight.

(GRUNTS) Lost him. Cutter, he went in the DVV shaft.

-CUTTER: (ON RADIO) We're on it. -(COOS)

Door!

Left! Left! Left! Left! Right! Faster! Faster!

You wanna drive, Duncan?

No, I'm much more comfortable shouting orders! Thank you!

-Tylor, look. -What? What? Oh!

-No! -(THALIA SCREAMS)

There is a mini monster in danger. Search all the tracks. Immediately!

-But the 4-22-16! -Do it.

-Anything? -BOTH: Nothing.

Cutter?

-We saw where Tina lost her tail. -And it was wiggling.

-(GIBBS GIGGLES) -TYLOR: Oh, there he is.

KURTZ: Found him. Headed for shredder shaft four.

He's headed for a shredder shaft? Shut it down!

I'll need a 19-9-4 for that.

Get out of my way! I'll take care of this.

-Tylor, come in. -Yeah, right here, Fritz.

-FRITZ: He's headed for a shredder shaft. -Shredder shaft?

Shredder shaft four. It's in the DVE sector.

You're the closest. Stay frothy.

We gotta stop that baby.

Take the controls.

Controls? I'm not a MIFTer.

-Direction, rotation, speed. Now, drive. -Uh...

-I don't know... -All right, buddy. Here we go!

-I got ya. Uh... -THALIA: Whoa!

-All right. Don't worry. I'm coming. Ah! -THALIA: Tylor!

-TYLOR: Uh... Ugh. Okay. -Watch out!

TYLOR: Uh, what? What do we, uh...

-Oh! Oh, no, no, no! -Watch out!

Uh, oh, okay. All right. Hang on. (GRUNTS)

-Tylor! Help! -All right, here we go.

-(THALIA SCREAMS) -(GRUNTING) Uh...

Oh! Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Ah!

-Jump! Jump! Jump! -(YELLS)

-I got you. I got you. -That was close.

We got the baby.

Safe and sound.

Oh, thanks. We'll never lose another kid again.

Hey! That's a goal, not a promise.

Good job, everyone.

Now, let's head back to headquarters for some well-deserved Drooler Coolers.

-MONSTER: Yeah! -MINI MONSTERS: Drooler Cooler!

-M-I-F-T! -Are you gonna puke?

-Me? (GAGGING) -'Cause you look like you are gonna puke.

No, I'm always this shade of green. (GAGGING)

Hey, and, uh, (CHUCKLES) speaking of green,

what's round, green and goes honk honk?

(SIGHS) Mike Wazowski driving his car.

Oh, you've heard it. Oh, okay.

It wasn't funny the first time I heard it and it wasn't funny now.

You are not funny.

-Ow. What is it, Double T? -I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

We were totally getting along. And now look at her. Look.

I can't even get her to smile, you know.

She just looks at me and she's just... bleh.

She was my last chance at becoming a jokester.

You know this was all her mom's fault, right?

Maybe if you weren't being such an a... mbitiously focused individual.

Yeah, I'm done, okay? For all I care, Thalia can go find her

I-wouldn't-know-comedy if-it-hit-me-in-the-butt mom

and let her know that Tylor Tuskmon

says that she is the most not funny monster in all of Monstropolis.

Not me. She can walk herself upstairs,

march into her mom's office and tell her that.

Okay, I'll go tell her that.

Wait! Uh, Thalia, wait.

Hello? Thalia?

Thalia?

Uh, no. Wait. You don't need to do this.

No, no. no. Stop. Don't go up there. You don't need to do this.

Come on, no. Come on, what are you... No, don't touch...

You don't need to tell your mom.

I'm the one who doesn't know anything about comedy. Oh, come on!

-Come on, come on, come on. -(TIRES SQUEALING)

-Sorry, look out! Look out! -Hey, watch it!

TYLOR: Sorry about that, guys.

Thalia!

-Oh... (GASPS) -(CROWD GASPING)

ANNOUNCER: There's a massive pastry cleanup in hallway 12.

-(GAGS) -ANNOUNCER: You'll see it.

-(MINI MONSTERS LAUGHING) -TYLOR: Hmm?

Uh... Mmm...

Wait.

Thalia, wait. Wait, wait.

Don't go tell your mom what I said.

I was just trying to make you laugh.

So, you'd tell your mom I was funny.

And then, you know, maybe she'd give me another audition or another chance.

Okay? But... But what I did was wrong.

I knew what you were up to.

You did?

It's happened before, with the other scarers.

But you're the first one to admit it.

Respect.

(CHUCKLES) Huh?

I give it the old Fritzerelli touch.

MIFTers and mini MIFTers, our day is almost done.

We'd have you do more, but we learned,

last year, about a thing called child labor law.

So, I just want to say, I'm proud, so proud of each and every one of you.

Fritz, can I say something?

Oh, absolutely.

Do you want musical accompaniment? It's better with music.

No, no, no, it's fine.

This morning, I thought spending the day with MIFT

-would be the worst possible thing ever. -(MIFTERS GROANS)

I thought you all were just a bunch of weirdos

hidden away in your underground loony bin.

Not that far off, hon.

I was wrong. You are the monsters behind the monsters.

And you may not get the glory that the jokesters do,

but you are the true power that keeps this parapet running.

So, today I wanna say, I'm proud, too.

Proud to call myself a mini MIFTer.

So, let's get out there and wrench...

-BOTH: Those nuts! -(MINI MIFTERS CHEERING)

ALL: (CHANTING) M-I-F-T!

Oh, proud crying. (SNIFFING)

Here you go, kiddo.

Are you sure I can keep it?

It's not an "it," kid. It's Klaus.

Hey, come on, kids. It's time to go back upstairs.

ALL: (CHANTING) M-I-F-T!

There's a 70% chance those kids aren't making it outta here.

M-I-F-T!

You know, you make a pretty good MIFTer.

Huh... I, uh, I guess I do.

So long, Tuskmon.

I'll, uh, see you around, Thalia.

THALIA: (CHANTING) M-I-F-T!

Told you nobody's sad on Mini Monster Day. Best day ever.

Yes. Yes, it is.

So, how was Mini Monster Day?

It was good.

-Good? Who'd you get paired with? -Tylor Tuskmon.

Oh...

He was really...

Painfully devoid of comedy?

No, Mom.

Funny.

Welcome, everybody. When one jokester won't do, get two.

Yes, two jokesters performing together as a single act,

a sacred show business relationship.

And in these comedy pairings is always a straight man,

as you can see, and a goofball.

The straight man is intelligent and charismatic,

so nice to see me,

while the goofball is dim and slow on the uptake.

The straight man is good looking...

Drink it in. Drink it in.

...while the goofball is nothing but a silly sap head

who refuses to use odorant because he says, "It sticks to my fur."

The straight man is sensible,

while the goofball is a real blabbermouth. He never knows when to shut up.

He's always going on and on about this,

-about that, about this. -Are we finished?

Quiet, Sulley. I'm on a roll.

The straight man often stands in bewilderment

as the goofball makes an utter fool out of himself.

Not sure why they call him a goofball.

Unless he's ball-shaped. See? (CHUCKLES)

Then it would make more sense. If the goofball...

Why didn't you stop me?

'Cause it's a sacred show business relationship.

Doody.

SMITTY: What are production babies?

NEEDLEMAN: I'll explain when you're older.

SMITTY: But I'm older than you.

NEEDLEMAN: Oh, then you can explain it to me.