Original subtitles

MIKE: Yes, the Bowl-off-a-thon.

It's almost here, Fungus.

The roll of the ball, sound of a strike.

And this year's prize, dinner for two at Harryhausen's.

No Bowl-off-a-thon for you, Wazowski.

Oh, hello, Roze. Now, what's this about me not bowling?

You've still got to do your paperwork.

"Paperwork"? (CHUCKLES) No. How common.

I'm in charge now. You know, the SCPOMICE-VDADOCREM.

Fungus files my paperwork.

Not file. Approve.

Now that you're in charge, you have to approve all the paperwork.

You sure you're not Roz?

We're completely different.

GARY: Morning, Roze.

Gary.

-Gary. -Mikey.

Roze, uh, I just wanna say I'm so sorry.

I wasn't able to finish up my paperwork last night.

I was busy practicing for the big Bowl-off-a-thon,

so that I could, uh, win again. (LAUGHS)

Don't you worry that cute little round head of yours.

It's just paperwork.

-Oh, Roze, you are the best. -No, you're the best.

-Oh! -Good luck, Gary.

Gary.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-WOMAN: (OVER PA SYSTEM) Attention. -Yeah.

WOMAN: Last chance to sign up for this year's Bowl-off-a-thon.

You know, I had no idea Monsters Inc. had a bowling alley.

-You like bowling? -Not really.

Ugh, what are you reading?

Uh, Funny Business. Successful habits of funny monsters.

-(GRUNTS) -If I'm gonna make it as a jokester,

I gotta get in good with the boss. And the boss is...

Mike?

Oh, hiya, guys.

TYLOR: How did you get stuck in the ball return?

Bowling, it's in my blood.

I say to myself, "Mike, you're the ball. Be the ball."

So, I was the ball.

Getting ready for the big Bowl-off-a-thon, huh, Mr. Wazowski?

Well, sadly, no Bowl-off-a-thon for me this year.

Too busy on the Laugh Floor approving paperwork.

Oh, how I would have loved to have taken my sweet schmoopsie-poo to Harryhausen's.

Hey. I thought Harryhausen's banned your green butt for life. (CHUCKLES)

No. With great power comes great privileges.

And now that I'm SCPOMICE-VDADOCREM, the ban on my butt has been lifted.

Well, Mr. Scabamat-old-daddy-crumb, you're lucky you're not playin'.

Spare you the humiliation of losing to me again.

(LAUGHS) "Spare." Oh, man.

Ha! Well, I may not have time to play, but I'm, uh...

I'm sponsoring a team.

And they're a great team. Yeah.

So they're gonna bowl you away. Ha!

(SCOFFS) Well, you better hope they don't strike out.

(LAUGHS)

-Boom. -MONSTER: Four? Nice!

GARY: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. What you been up to?

-(MONSTERS LAUGHING) -Gary. (SIGHS)

Well, Mike, I wish your team good luck.

What team? I don't have a team.

Now I need a team. A team that can beat Gary.

If I only knew where I could find some top-notch bowlers.

Do I know bowlers? Yes, I know bowlers!

They don't call me "No Splitz Fritz" for nothing.

They... They call you that?

For nothing.

-I've never heard them call you that. -Well, they do.

And we've got Pin-Pal Val over there and No-Gutter Cutter.

Hmm, Duncan doesn't play, but he loves the snachos.

Huh. Well, that is great news.

-The snachos? -No. That you guys play. That's... Wow!

Have you ever thought about forming a team?

A bowling team?

Yeah, sure. And maybe, I don't know, uh, entering the, uh, Bowl-off-a-thon?

Form a team. The Bowl-off-a-thon.

(LAUGHS) Oh, I know what you're doing.

-You do? -Yeah, you're falling in love with us.

-(CHUCKLES) -I am doing that.

I'm doing what you said. I am in love, yes.

Yeah, you could be the team captain.

Totally. Yeah. A chance for me to bond with you guys.

Your new family!

Other than my actual family that I also have.

-Extended family. -Work friends?

How about the "weird family that lives next door,

but you tell them when you're going on vacation,

so they can get your mail" family?

-Sure. Yeah. We'll go with that. -(HORN HONKS)

-How good are they? -How good are they?

Really good, very good, tremendously good? How good?

They're the best. They've been bowling for years.

-I think they're like champions. -Really? Great.

They've got nicknames.

We're gonna need a team name.

Maybe the Gutter Busters. Or the Alley Laughs?

How about, The Big Wazowskis?

"The Big Wazowskis"?

That sounds like something I've always wanted in a team name!

Thanks, I owe ya.

-Uh, anytime, Mike. Yes! -BOTH: Oh!

Oh, um, hey, Ms. Flint.

Just hanging out with Mike. You know Mike.

Walking away. Turning my back. See me leaving.

You can't make this up. I'm serious.

They lift up the ball return cover,

-and there he was. -You go ahead. I'll be right there.

-Eh... -Can you believe it?

Oh, he was actually stuck in the ball return.

(LAUGHS)

Hmm... (SNIFFS) What stinks?

Oh, it's the smell of defeat.

And I'm not talking about these feet. I'm talking about your defeat.

Really?

Yeah. I got a dream team, dude. And it's your worst nightmare.

"A dream team"? Oh, is that so?

Yeah. Yes, it's so. It's so, Gary.

In fact, it's so so, I say we make it interesting.

What do you say losing team has to, uh...

Ah! Has to do the other's paperwork for a month?

-You're on, buddy. -(BOWLING PINS FALLING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

All right.

Welcome, team.

I cannot wait to tell you how excited I am

to be captain of the Big Wazowskis.

Heyo!

Mmm. Uh-huh.

Whoo!

Uh, yo, I thought you said you didn't bowl.

No, no, Val. No, I did not say that.

I said I didn't like bowling. There's a difference.

He's doing this because he wants to bond with us.

More like a thinly disguised slash desperate attempt

to get in good with Mike, so he'll make you a jokester.

I'm just messing with you.

Like you'd ever do anything that blatantly selfish.

-(CHUCKLES) -Uh...

All I know is, it's work hours, and we're getting paid to bowl.

TYLOR: Whoo! Eight.

-Nice, Ty... -Thank you, Fritz.

But, uh, come on,

you guys are the ones with the nicknames, so how about you?

You're up, No Splitz Fritz.

CUTTER: Fritz!

FRITZ: We are the MIFT. CUTTER: Come on!

FRITZ: Yay! We did it!

In the gutter!

(ALL CHEERING)

CUTTER: All right! FRITZ: Good throw!

That's the one!

-There you go! Get some! -VAL: Awesome!

(CUTTER HOOTING)

Ha! Made it all the way down the lane.

-You kissed the pin! -VAL: Whoo!

-Is this a team or is this a team? -Up top!

-What do you say, Captain? -I...

thought you said you guys were good.

No. We're not good. No.

That's why we've never entered the Bowl-off-a-thon because we pee-ew stink.

CUTTER: Oh, yeah!

-Stink? -CUTTER: We're stinky.

That didn't come across in the nicknames.

Everything okay, team captain? Tomorrow's the big day. Good luck.

(LAUGHING)

Good morning! And welcome to the first day

of the annual Monsters Incorporated Bowl-off-a-thon.

Coming to you live from the Monsters Incorporated Laugh Lane.

Of course it's live, you idiot! What else would it be?

I'm just trying to do it like on TV.

First up,

the Sliding Slugs versus the Big Wazowskis.

Wow. This is so exciting.

That is one word.

SMITTY: And he makes his approach.

(PANTING)

Still making the approach.

(PANTING CONTINUES)

(OWL HOOTING)

(PANTING CONTINUES)

(SNORING)

-(ALARM RINGING) -(SCREAMS)

(ALL GASPING)

Good morning. Approach time has elapsed.

It's time for everyone to get back to work.

The Big Wazowskis win.

(ALL CHEERING)

-Yay for the Wazowskis. -Yes!

-(SIGHS) -FRITZ: Wow!

-(SOBS) -We won!

I heard it was a bloodbath.

The Big Wazowskis left the Sliding Slugs in the gutter.

So now I'm doubling down.

Not only does the loser have to do the paperwork,

but they have to be the other's butler for a month.

-Are you sure about this? -Absolutely.

The Bowl-off-a-thing continues.

And we're back for more bowling action.

Next up, the Pinheads versus the Big Wazowskis.

Okay, Fritz. Remember. Let go of the ball.

Oh, yeah.

BOTH: Go, Fritz!

(BALL CRASHES)

FRITZ: Whoopsie.

I let go of the ball.

Due to the entire team being knocked out,

the Pinheads forfeit and the Big Wazowskis win.

Wow, another win. And tomorrow's the final match.

You against Gary.

I'm gonna owe you big after this, but only if you come through.

Oh, yeah, well, don't worry, Mike. We will.

We will come through.

(CHUCKLES) We will, indeed.

But, you know, um, in case for whatever reason we don't--

Don't even think that.

I just gotta win that dinner for two at Harryhausen's.

Plus I bet Gary I'd do all his paperwork and be his butler for a month.

Why would you do that?

That's how much I believe in you, kid.

You can't let me down.

(SIGHS) How am I supposed to get out of this one?

(CRUNCHES)

(SIGHS) I'm screwed, Giant Eye.

-(METAL CLANKS) -(GASPS)

DUNCAN: (OVER SPEAKERS) Why, hello.

Duncan?

No! This is a mystery voice.

An all-knowing voice.

A voice that knows you're in need of some pro bowlers,

so you can get in good with Mr. Wazowski.

-(CRUNCHES) -Well, yeah. You got that right.

Good! Then follow the signs.

-What signs? I... -Follow the signs.

-Are there speakers? -Follow the signs.

(CRUNCHES)

DUNCAN: Welcome, Tylor.

-(CRUNCHES) -Hey, Duncan.

You know the sign says "secert."

(IN DEEP VOICE) I'm not Duncan.

You're just doing a voice.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I'm not Duncan.

TYLOR: What are we doing here?

(IMITATING FOREIGN ACCENT) It's a mystery voice. Ah?

Okay, that's fine. Whatever voice.

Hey, Duncan. You done with your "secert room"?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Secret!

-Come on. We need our trashcan. -Turn the light off, you idiots! Ugh!

Get out! Where were we?

Pro bowlers.

Uh... (IN OMINOUS VOICE) The Overnighters, yes.

The third shift.

The kind of monsters that monsters fear.

They'll get you your win. And your jokester dream will come true.

Great. And... But just... Sorry. What do you get out of it?

DUNCAN: Just want you to sign a little contract.

We'll call it a written agreement.

That's literally what a contract is.

An agreement that stipulates

that you will not in any way hereto now,

with, or henceforth forward in perpetuity pursue Fritz's job.

-Duncan, I told you the day I got... -Mystery voice.

I do not care about Fritz's job. I don't want the job.

But now it's legally binding.

Cool. Fine. Just stop with the voice.

Whatever. I'll sign it. Just get me the bowlers, okay?

There.

It is done!

-SMITTY: You're done? -No! I'm not done.

You said you wouldn't be back until 5:47. Get out!

Oh, but we have Fright Club in here.

Don't tell him that.

Did you forget the first rule of Fright Club?

(DUNCAN SCREAMS)

-What do you mean cancelled? -TYLOR: Yeah.

Final round of the tournament was supposed to be today at lunch,

but it's cancelled. Some sort of weird cancel thing.

But believe me, I am as disappointed as you guys.

We are undefeated, right?

But, uh, here's the flyer.

Says it right there. "Cancelled." (GRUNTS)

Says it right there in cancel font.

Cancel font. I've seen it before. I know it well.

That looks like your handwriting.

Hey! Uh, everybody did great.

In fact, you guys should go into town for lunch.

Into town over... You should go there, not be here.

-Oh, aren't you gonna come? -Me?

FRITZ: You're the team captain.

Somebody's gotta hold down the fort.

And I'm pooped. You guys go. You deserve it.

You are so selfless.

Is he not selfless? Always thinking about others.

That's...

That's me.

Welcome back.

It's the final game of this year's Monsters Incorporated Bowl-off-a-thon.

Today's teams are the Garys...

(SCOFFS) What an egomaniac. Names a whole team after himself.

NEEDLEMAN: ...versus the Big Wazowskis.

Now that's an original name.

Hey, what's going on? Where is everybody? Where's the team?

The team. Right. Yes. There was, uh...

You're not gonna say "problem"?

-Problem? -Tylor?

Don't worry. The replacements should be here any...

(GASPS)

Mmm...

Well, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Good luck, uh, fellas. Knock 'em dead.

Or don't. (CHUCKLES) You know what I mean.

Break a leg.

'Cause if you don't, they'll do it for you.

How we doing, everybody? Uh, I am Tylor.

I'm your captain, so let's get on out there

and let's be the winning...

team.

(CHUCKLES)

You lied to us.

No. Val, no.

They un-cancelled the cancel.

You guys weren't around and I needed some players, so I...

I lied, but uh, I was just thinking of you guys.

Didn't want you all to get hurt.

When you lose the game.

How hurt you would all be.

This hurts way more, Tylor.

MIKE: Hey, Tylor? Tylor? What's going on?

We've got more players than we need.

No, you don't. Me and the boys, we took a vote.

And we do not want to play for a captain that betrays his team.

Gentlemen, shall we?

No. Don't. No. Wait, please. Wait.

Now what? What's the plan, Tylor?

Well, Mikey?

(SCREAMS)

MIKE: All Gary's paperwork. Being his butler.

No dinner for two at Harryhausen's!

(SIGHS) I can't lose to Gary.

(SIGHS) Sorry, Mike. I just...

I just wanted to impress you.

And all I really ended up doing was...

(SIGHS)

was hurting my team.

I really let you guys down, and I'm sorry.

I guess we...

I guess I have to forfeit.

Uh-huh.

Whoa, looks like the Big Wazowskis forfeit,

which means the winner is--

FRITZ: Wait!

Huh?

You said "team." You're right.

We are the Monsters Inc. Facilities Team.

And when you're part of a team, you stand up for your teammates.

And regardless of what they do,

unless it's illegal and would make you an accomplice to a crime,

which I have learned the hard way,

you remain loyal. By their side.

Through the... Well, you know, through the...

-Good and the bad? -The good in the bag

because you know they would do the same for you.

So, Tylor, I have a question for you, young MIFTer.

Are you part of our team?

Well, I'm more than part of the team. I'm the team captain.

And you know what? I will lead us to victory.

Because we are MIFT. We are the Big Wazowskis.

But, Tylor, can I remind you that we pee-ew stink?

Well, then, we're just gonna have to stink our way to victory.

Woo-hoo!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

-Hey, way to go, Gary. -(LAUGHS) Thanks, Gharee.

(CACKLES)

(CHEERS)

Hey, Cutter. Stand this way.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Fritz, don't let go of the ball.

(SCREAMS)

(FLOORS SQUEAKING)

(GRUNTS)

FRITZ: Strike! My first one!

-(GASPS) I did it! I got one! -CUTTER: Strike!

(YELLS) What?

And the winners of this year's Monsters Incorporated Bowl-off-a-thon are

the Big Wazowskis!

(ALL CHEERING)

What?

We won! (LAUGHS)

Well, enjoy the paperwork, Gary.

And the Garys!

What?

It's a tie!

-High-five, Gary. -All right.

Tie? Huh.

I guess that's sort of a win.

"Sort of"? (IMITATES BUZZER) What are you talking about?

I actually hit some pins.

But, even better, you stuck by your fellow MIFToids.

And for us, that is the true win.

Well, Gary, looks like I don't have to do your paperwork

or be your butler.

Yeah, okay. But, uh, who gets the dinner for two at Harryhausen's?

I think I'm gonna go for the terrible teri-yucky.

And what are you gonna get...

Gary?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hecklers. That's right. Hecklers.

These attention-seeking comedy interrupters

are the bane of every jokester's existence.

These are desperate monsters, desperate for attention,

so the first rule of dealing with hecklers, ignore them.

GARY: I wonder if that works with boring teachers.

Ha-ha, very funny.

-Well, that makes one of us. -(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, that's rich coming from you.

I have forgotten more about comedy than you'll ever know.

Yeah, Mikey. You certainly have forgotten a lot about comedy.

-Why, I oughta-- -Oughta quit while you're ahead?

Work on your delivery?

Perhaps you can find someone a little more qualified.

Maybe you oughta get off stage.

Maybe you oughta start a new career.

-Maybe you oughta buy a pet. -Gary.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(MONSTER SNORTS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MIKE: Gary. Oy.