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♪♪

[man] Any last words?

I really need
to use the bathroom.

-Good luck.
-[audience cheering]

[Mirman] Hello!

[cheering, applauding]

Tucson!

The greatest city in the area!

[cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

It is so wonderful being
in your totally fine,

slightly weird town.

It's great here.

Oh, good. Any questions so far?

Good. Very reasonable.

I've had a lot of fun.
I've been here for a few days.

How you've been here
for years is...

Anyway, congratulations.

It's totally lovely.

And I get that the rest
of the city isn't cowboy-themed.

It would be funny if I was
standing here and I was like,

"Tucson has not updated
anything.

They just discovered it and were
like, 'This is fine.

All we need is a blacksmith
and a barbecue place.'"

[sighs, laughs]

Um, it's great. Uh...

I, uh, I like to play
a game with my girlfriend

when I go to the supermarket
where I try to think

of something
that I can yell to her

that would make people think
that she is crazy.

And we were at the supermarket
and I was behind

the shopping cart
and she was maybe ten, 15 feet

away from me,
and I yelled to her,

"You know what?
I am gonna get toilet paper!

I don't think it's a waste!"

You see everybody look at her
like she's some crazy

toilet paper vegan.

I was in a cafe
and I saw a six-year-old

wearing a fedora.

And I always thought to myself
that when I saw abuse,

I would know what to do.

But you can't call the police

and be like, "There's
a six-year-old in a fedora.

I think he's being raised to be
an insufferable jazz guitarist."

I stayed, uh, at a hotel
in Boston,

and I had to make an hour-long
phone call

on a land line to New York City,
and afterwards--

I didn't know how much
it would cost, and afterwards,

when I was checking out
I was like, uh,

"How much was that phone call?"
The woman behind the counter

was like, "Oh, your phone call
was $66."

That's crazy.

That would only be reasonable
if that's how much it cost

the day after
they invented the phone.

You'd be like, "Yeah,
that sounds like magic.

I would absolutely...
try your wizard machine.

I will also throw in
my firstborn son."

That's crazy, if a hotel wants
to make money that badly,

then they should just charge
to, like, use the bathroom

in your own hotel room.
You know? I've certainly been

in a situation where I really
need to use the bathroom,

and I'll go into a business
and they'll be like,

"I'm sorry,
it's for customers only."

Then I'll be like, "Fine.
I'll have, uh,

Honda Civic."

Every fall, I go to Provincetown
in Massachusetts on Cape Cod

with a bunch of friends
from college.

-[scattered cheering]
-Yeah, you're welcome.

[laughs]

And if you don't know,
Provincetown

is very, very Boston-y
and it's also very, very gay.

And, uh, I heard maybe
the best accent

I've ever heard in my life,
which is a guy whose accent

was 60 percent Boston
and 40 percent gay.

And he just kind of went,
"I don't have a fuckin'

windbreaker to 'weah'
on my whale-watch!"

I was like,
"You're perfect, sir."

I wanted to, like, shrink him
and put him in my pocket.

So that anytime I felt sadness
I could open it up

and he'd just be like,
"I'm gonna make a kale salad

-with cranberries!"
-[laughter]

I wa... I wanted to have, like,
a child and move

to another country
so he could be an au pair.

I, uh, I did a show
in Northampton, Massachusetts.

And there was an article
in the local paper about it

and they interviewed
one of the comics on the show

but they misquoted him.
He had said that, uh,

comedy is tragedy plus time,

which is like a very popular
thing, uh, to say.

But they had quoted him
as saying, "Comedy is tragedy

plus timing."

That is a radically
different idea.

"Comedy is tragedy plus time"
is like,

in World War I, they used
to use mustard gas,

and now that's something
you get at a deli.

"Comedy is tragedy plus timing"

is the idea that yesterday
I found out that my friend

got... Lou Gehrig's Disease!

A lot of people ask me if, uh,
I try jokes out on Twitter.

And I don't, but I do
try them out on LinkedIn!

That is a very dumb thing
to say.

But a lot of fun.

Um, I was in Austin,
uh, at the airport,

and I was buying
a neck pillow.

And the guy at the counter
was like,

"If you get one neck pillow,
it's $17.99.

But if you get two,
it's only $20.99."

I was like, "Oh,
I would totally do that,

if I had two necks."

The guy behind
the counter laughed.

The guy behind me laughed.

He'd like never heard a joke.

He was like, "What do you call
what you just did?"

He was blown away.

Um, I love Game of Thrones.

-And, uh...
-[cheering]

Yeah! I am just like you.

We have the same culture.

Um... did you know
that Khaleesi is becoming

a really popular baby name?

Like, more popular
than, like, Betsy.

Which is moderately popular,
but at least that's a name.

You know, but I do love
Game of Thrones.

And I was thinking that maybe
if I had a little boy,

I would, you know, maybe
I would name him, like,

Black Vagina Fog.

That is my Game of Thronesjoke.

Where, uh, where we record
Bob's Burgers,

-um, on the... Yeah.
-[scattered cheering]

-Uh...
-[cheering, applause]

I'm gonna just name things.

Um, where we record it
on the-- I think we share...

The floor is shared with like
a computer company or something.

And in the bathroom is a sign
that tells you

to not, uh, pee everywhere,
and if you do, clean it up.

Which I always think
is really funny,

as if like that's a thing
a person wouldn't know.

I get if that was like
in a kindergarten room.

But this is all... anyway.

And then also at, uh,
a lot of restaurants,

as you know, in the bathroom
it'll say, like,

there'll be a sign that says,
"Employees must wash hands."

And, uh, I always wanted
to add, like,

it made me wanna really add
signs to restaurant bathrooms.

But if I just put a sign there,
I know that people

would just think a person
put a sign there.

I was sort of like, what would
make it seem like official?

And I decided that that line
was lamination.

You know, if you laminate a sign
and put--

Nobody thinks somebody would buy
a laminating machine as a joke.

So I bought
a laminating machine.

And I've been going around
New York City

and adding signs just, you know,
a pretty official looking sign

underneath the regular sign.

And here's just some of the
signs I've been putting up.

"Please do not flush socks
down toilet."

"Please wash feet
before returning to work."

"Do not use your cell phone
ever again."

"Walk out of here crying
and ask for a lawyer."

"Divorce is not an option."

"It's normal to feel Jewish,
even if you're not."

"Your child
is being raised wrong."

And then lastly,
"There are officially

no more snakes here."

Thank you.

Nobody would have thought
there were snakes.

They must be terrified that
there are officially none.

I rented a car.

Um, and I got into
a car accident

on the highway
with a semi truck.

-[audience] Ooh!
-Yeah, I know.

I had that exact reaction.

The good news is I got
into the accident

at about seven miles an hour.

So I was getting into a lane,

and I thought I was in a lane
and then the truck

absolutely disagreed,

and it hit me, and, uh,
then we both pulled over.

And, uh, we were both shaken,

and the guy got out
and he was furious.

And he started yelling like,
"You cut me off!

Look where you're going!"
And I, uh,

I disagreed with him, but I
wasn't gonna match his energy.

And he's, like, yelling, like,
"You cut me off! Ahh!"

And then I just look at him
and I go,

"No!"

He was terrified.

He was like, "I don't know
what you're doing.

But I do not like it."

We were... I was like, "Should
we exchange information?"

And, uh, and his favorite
restaurant is Panera.

He went to his truck
and got like a binder

with everything that I needed,
and then I went

to the glove compartment
of my rental car,

and sort of started looking
through the...

Like a kitty cat, like I was
like, "I don't know what..."

[meows]

And then I was just, like,
pulling things out,

and, like, showing them
to him-- Like, I was, like,

like I might as well have
taken out, like,

shoelaces and wet chicken
and been like,

"Is this what you need?
Is this...

...at all helpful?
I don't know what...

We're looking for.
I don't see... anything."

And he's definitely like,
"Hey, how'd you get a car?"

And I called
the rental car company

and they're like,
"Your agreement,

your rental agreement
is your registration."

I'm like, great,
and I give it to him.

And we exchange everything.

And then a policeman comes

and he's really nice.

And he fills out
a police report

and then I think the guy
who owns the truck company

comes and he's like
a super muscular Danny DeVito.

And that's good.
And then I leave.

Um, well, I...
I asked the policeman

if I could go, I didn't just go,
like, "I'm an artist.

And this is boring!" I...

I was like, "Can I go?"
And he was like, "Sure."

And, uh, a few weeks later,
the rental car company called me

to go through everything,
they asked like 30-40 questions.

The last two questions are:
"Were you under the influence?"

and "Were you distracted?"

And I couldn't help myself.

'Cause I was like, "Well, I
don't know if it would matter,

but I had taken PCP.

And I was experiencing
a loss of ego boundaries.

And I was also
watching Backdraft."

Do you think somewhere
there's a recording of that?

[laughs]

That... that's a thing
that happened.

I do get a lot of emails...
I get a lot of emails

asking, people asking me
to join either LinkedIn

or recommend them.
I know it's not a dating site,

but it could-- No, uh...

I, uh, so I get a lot of things
asking me to be on LinkedIn.

And I was finally like,
you know what? I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna make a résumé.
And did you know--

So I made one.
You can write anything you want.

Like, anything. There's no...
no-- nothing checks it.

Like, for instance,
I made a profile, that's me.

And, uh, my job is, as you know,

I'm the senior VP
of pee-pee at Verizon.

And it kind of goes like,
"Do you mean

the telecommunications company?"
I'm like, "Yep.

Tag it. Tag it."

I don't think Verizon searches,

'cause I'm still the senior VP
of pee-pee.

The only jobs that I'm
approached about

are other VP positions
in New York City.

And then it's sort of like,

"Tell me about your
job experience."

And, you know, and I'm like,
"Oh, well, uh,

I am passionately opposed
to sex in bathrooms

in the workplace.

I don't think it should happen
unless both parties

agree on it.

I guess I'm simply against
sexual assault in bathrooms."

I'm on the right side
of that issue.

Just if there's any question.

You can also write in, uh,
what you did previously,

and I wrote that my job
beforehand was that I was

the... "Holy fuck, shit! Oh, no!

At CNN."

You write then your skills.
My skills are, uh,

marketing. Right?

My next skill is surgery.

That's a guy you want
on your side.

Another skill I have
is that I'm bicurious-curious.

So sort of like if you're
bicurious, I'm like,

"Tell me how that--
what is that like

to be interested--
tell me about that experience."

Another thing I do pretty well

is, uh, wolf toss.

So like, if there was like a...

The job, if there was like
a wolf-- a wolf that was asleep,

I wouldn't throw it,
'cause I'm not a fucking idiot.

But I'd definitely gently
toss...

...toss the wolf.

And then lastly, my last skill
is, "I can tell

if someone is telling the truth
by drowning them."

So I realized I put my birthday
as January 1st, 1905.

So that's a guy with experience.

He maybe is good at surgery.

He could drain your humors.

Weirdly, at the bottom,
instead of it saying, like,

contact information,
it just says,

"Advice for contacting Eugene."

Like you would just be like,
"Well, have you tried his mom?

She can always...

She can always get through."

I just wrote, "Cut a message
in a corn field,

take a picture
and stand outside in the crowd

of Good Morning America."

-Thank you.
-[applause]

Thanks. I made, uh, I made
a pretty sweet zine.

I cut up a bunch of things,

and, like, you know,
pasted it.

And then I went to, uh...

Kinko's to try
to make some copies.

I went to a copy place.
And I was like,

"Hey, can you, uh..."

I was like, "Can you make, like,
I don't know, like,

100 or 200 copies
on colored paper for tomorrow?"

And I thought that was a pretty
reasonable question.

And then they, to my surprise,
were like,

[shouting] "We don't have
that kind of paper in stock!

Corporate doesn't let us
have that kind of paper!"

I was so... they acted like
I went into the Kinko's,

and was like, [shouting]
"Who here can land a plane?!"

None of them can.

Um...

Around Jewish High Holidays,

uh, in New York,
there's a lot of, uh,

Jews on the streets
that are... that are dressed

as kind of like
Gandalf the Sad.

And if you're Jewish,
when you pass them,

they get very excited
and they're like,

"Are you Jewish?" 'Cause they
want to cast a spell

and do a thing.

And I always, you know,
I have this conflict

where, like, I, you know,
I don't want to talk to them,

but I also don't wanna lie
to them 'cause I don't want

to feel-- I feel the weight
of thousands of years

of ancestors being like,
"Really? We went through

all this and you won't even
just be like...

...just be like, 'Oh, no,
I'm Greek, bye.'"

I get so anxious.

And I was in downtown Brooklyn,
I was walking to Guitar Center

and I passed these two
very sad Gandalfs.

And their eyes light up and
they're like, "Are you Jewish?"

And I start getting so anxious
and I don't know what to say,

and I just go, like, "Yes!
But you don't know how Jewish.

I just almost killed my son
on a mountaintop!"

We kind of both agreed, like,
I didn't like,

but no need to keep talking
to me.

And I went on and I went
to, uh, Guitar Center.

And when you get there, uh,

they take your bag from you,
'cause they're afraid

you'll steal guitars
in your canvas bag.

And, uh, the guy took my bag
and he was like,

"Oh, my God.
Uh, you're on Adult Swim.

You're on Delocated."
I was like, "Yeah."

And he's like,
"Oh, I love that show."

I'm like, "Thank you."
Then I go in

and I get whatever cable
I'm getting.

And then when I'm leaving,
he gives me back my bag

and he goes, "You know,
we actually get a lot

of celebrities here."
And I was like, "Oh, he's gonna

be like, 'This is the store
that Slash comes to buy ropes

to tie up his balls
so he can cum.'"

I'm like, "Yeah!
Tell me that story!"

And he's like, "Yeah, you know
who else comes here?

He's, uh, guy, he plays like
a kid on a cartoon

on Fox about a family that runs,
like, a burger place,

plays like..."
I'm just sort of staring at him.

And I'm like,
"Do you mean me?"

And he's like, "Oh, yeah.
Still just you.

-You still come here sometimes."
-[applause]

I was-- I was at a street fair
in, uh, Brooklyn.

And I passed this lady
who was handing out these cards.

That, I think I have one.
Yeah. It's a, uh,

"Get out of hell free."

I got super excited,
I was like, "Can I have some?"

She gave me like two or three.
I took them and I went,

"Now I can murder someone!"

And... she looked at me,
and she kind of went like,

"Yes."

Like, "Oh, my God.
You're terrifying."

She was like, "That's not
why we're here,

but that is a perk."

I... I signed up
for ChristianMingle.

-Um...
-[laughter]

Even though I am Jewish
and engaged.

And when you sign up
for ChristianMingle,

right away they're like
"Hey, don't use your real name.

Use a screen name."
And I was like, "Okay.

I'm Princess Thunderballs."

And within like 20-30 minutes,
I was locked out of the account.

And they were like,
"Princess Thunderballs, sir,

you're not allowed
to find love."

Fair enough, ChristianMingle.

But they sold or shared my name
with Believe.com.

And Believe.com has none
of those limitations.

They email me all the time.
And you can't unsubscribe.

You have to, like, to
unsubscribe you have to write it

on a shoe why you wanna leave
and mail it to them,

and then they get it,
they're like, "Not good enough."

And they send me all sorts
of stuff, and one of the best

things they send me is, uh,
this thing called, uh, Ask...

Here, I'll show it to you.
This thing they send me

called Ask a Pastor,
where this very lovely pastor,

you can go online
and ask him anything.

You don't even have to log in
to your account.

You can just go and ask him
a question.

So often now when I get home
after a show,

I'll just kind of log on
and be like,

"Here's a question for you,
Mr. Pastor."

And so here's just some
of the questions I've asked

this lovely pastor.

"What's a nice way to get out
of a marriage with someone

you don't know well that you met
at a bus stop/casino?"

"My wife is always gossiping
about this and that

and it drives me crazy.
Is it okay to start having sex

with men as long as they
can keep a secret?"

"I know God says it's okay
to judge people because

of their race. That's it.
Just kind of a fun fact."

"Why am I not allowed
to use the bathroom

at my friend Max's house?"

"Hey, man,
I sometimes have doubts.

Not sure about what, though,
and that's kind of the problem."

"I like to think of my ding-dong
as a police baton.

Any advice?"

Last one.

"I believe I am the father
of a child.

And so does my friend.

What's a good way
to resolve this?

He suggested that we cut
the baby in half.

But I think a paternity test
makes more sense.

I don't just want part
of a dead baby,

like some other Jewish parents.

Does the Bible have any advice

on this situation?"

[applause]

I imagine he's like,
"It literally does come up."

Here's a thing that, uh,
happens to me a lot now,

which is when I'm in a store,

people assume I work
at that store.

And it is across all stores.

I was in Milwaukee at the
Public Market in a spice shop,

and a lady pointed at like
these... at like Himalayan salts

at, like, slabs and salt,
and she was like,

"Oh! What do you do with that?"
I was like,

"Oh you can grill on it."

And she's like,
"Oh, is this like

a substitute for salt?"
I'm like, "No.

Himalayan salt is a salt.
It's often thought of

as the purest salt."
She's like, "How much is it?"

And I'm like, "Oh, I...
Oh, I don't..."

I wanted to be like, "You can
have everything for $16."

'Cause, like,
I shouldn't answer...

But the kind that had happened
that was the best

was last summer I was
in, uh, a shoe store in Rome

in Italy and it was
like a... like if, like,

Foot Locker just sold, uh,
discount dress shoes.

Whatever that is, that store.

And I was there, uh,
and this lady came up to me

and she starts pointing
at shoes, and in Italian,

I think, asking about the shoes.

But pointing at them
and speaking Italian.

And I don't know--
I don't speak Italian.

I don't know how to say
"I don't speak Italian."

I can say it
in English very well.

In Russian, also quite well.

But in Italian, not at all.

And, uh, so I don't--
so I looked at her

as she's asking me
and I'm just like,

"Uh, I don't speak Italian."
And then, to my surprise,

she... she switches to English
and goes,

"Oh, how much is this shoe?"

She's like, "I get that
you don't speak Italian,

but you definitely work
in this shoe store.

There's no version where
you don't work here.

'Cause look at you,
you work at this shoe store."

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna
show you a thing.

The only time it made sense.

Here...

Um, the only time it
was reasonable

was this last November
where somebody thought

I worked at the place I was at
was because

I was at a Marriott,

in, uh, Costa Rica,

and I bought a shirt
at that Marriott.

And then I put it on right away.

And then I walked around
and everybody,

including the employees,
clearly thought

I owned that Marriott.

'Cause everybody kept, like,
asking me either

how to get places
or if everything was all right.

So that was worth it.

I'm gonna hide this now.

Yep.

That's a shirt I have
that I can never wear anywhere.

Because it's a Marriott
golf shirt.

Well...

I guess if I was hoping
to un-have sex in college.

Facebook did a thing
where they charged $100,

uh, to send a message
to Mark Zuckerberg.

They were testing out a way
to message celebrities.

Who here would spend $100

to send a message
to Mark Zuckerberg?

-[man boos]
-[laughter]

So you wouldn't? Anybody--

Would you spend $100 to send a
message to anybody on Facebook?

You would. Yeah.

'Cause you could write anything,
that's how I see it.

Uh...

So I, uh... sadly you can't
spend the money yet,

but, um, to message people.
But I... I love that idea.

And, uh, I... so there's some--
there's two different kinds

of celebrities on Facebook.
There's some that you can like,

and some that you can message.

Here's one that you can like.

You can like Harrison Ford.

But you can't be like,
"Harrison Ford!

I would-- I think that Han Solo
would win in an arm wrestle--"

Like, he doesn't
wanna hear any...

You can just like him,
and then walk away.

Someone with a very similar
style is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

You can like him,
but you can't be like,

"Mahmoud, I have some
suggestions for you."

He'd be like, "I'm not even
in charge anymore!"

"We don't care, Mahmoud.
You're the only one

we can remember!"

Mahmoud weirdly
has 40,899 likes.

I would get it if Mahmoud
had ten million likes,

or if he had, like, two likes,
and his parents were like,

"He's still our Mahmoud."

But there are some celebrities
on Facebook

that you can like and message.

This is one: Val Kilmer.

-You can like and message...
-[cheering]

Yeah. And so I did.

Here's the message I sent Val.

"Hey, Val. I put my dick
in peanut butter.

Ha-ha! Great job in Top Gun.
Bye-bye.

Eugene.

P.S: Please send nude pics."

I would definitely pay $100

to know that Val Kilmer
was like...

"Fine." Click.

Another, uh... another person

you can like and message

-is, uh, John Boehner.
-[laughter]

Yeah. That's the right reaction.

It's good
that you can message him.

And so I did.

And I would so pay $100
to know that he sat and read it.

And here's the message
I wrote John.

"Hey, John.
My name is Eugene Mirman,

and I do the voice of Gene
on Fox's Bob's Burgers.

I imagine you're job
must be super hard,

and that people are blaming you
for things when you're just

trying to do the best you can.

If you ever want
to take LSD together,

I can try to find some.

I only did it once 20 years ago
after a Lou Reed concert,

but I think it'd be fun.

Do you want to go on a road trip
together sometime?

If driving across the country
with a stranger

makes you nervous,
I'm happy to go on horseback.

That way, if you
feel uncomfortable,

you can gallop away,
no hard feelings."

[applause, cheering]

Any questions so far?

[woman] Did he respond?

You know, very sadly, no.

Same with the pastor.
I, like, specifically, like,

wrote in my email,
there's like a real place,

and then nothing.
But no.

John Boehner probably loves me,

but can't tell me that.

He's probably like,
"This guy gets me.

I'm not a square."

Uh... I love...

I love the VU.

-[man] Did you get my message?
-Did I get your message?

[man] This morning
I sent you one.

-Oh!
-Yeah. It was like,

"I'm gonna smell you
real good tonight."

-Oh.
-It's a picture

of a different man, real buff,
and posing.

-Yeah, yeah.
-[man] ??

So for those of you
who couldn't hear,

his message is,
"Did you get my message?

I sent it to you on Facebook.

It's this morning.
It said,

'I'm gonna smell you
real good.'"

And then the profile picture
is of a taught man

in his underwear. And you know
why I'm describing it

so accurately,
I did get your message.

You fucking lunatic.

Yeah, yeah.

And, uh... yeah, no.

Uh... I mean, first of all,
thanks.

I feel like the chances
of you getting to...

...smell me real good
are... not likely.

I think smell the essence
of the theater, maybe--

Anyway, well thank you
for your message.

That's really kind of you,

and I hope you never go
to prison.

Or do anything that is
against the government's rules.

With people.

See? And then with--
if you could pay money,

you'd definitely reach--
I look at this.

Anyway, great. Great.
Great, I'm glad I asked.

-Yes, sir?
-[man] I hear you recently

came across good advice...
to cut your illegitimate child

in half, so what do I do
in that case?

What would I do if someone
asked me to cut

their baby in half? Uh...

I guess, honestly, it would
depend on their religion.

Like, if it's a Buddhist baby,
cut that shit in half.

No, I would probably say, like,
"Don't cut your baby in half.

But draw a line, or like put
masking tape down your baby.

And then be like, 'This half
of the baby is mine!

And this half of the baby
is yours!'

And then definitely raise it

for its entire life
with masking tape on it,

and, like, bitterly fight
over how it's groomed

and everything."
That's my advice.

But I don't have any children.

And I believe it is legal

to put masking tape on a baby.

But it is illegal to cut it.

You see where I come in,
I'm really, like, I'm the...

I love the law! What?

You could do whatever you want.

You have a "get out
of hell free" card.

Yeah. I don't believe in hell,

but I do believe in, uh, jail
if you cut a person.

I definitely-- nobody stands up
in court and goes,

"No big deal!
I'm gonna be in heaven."

Few trials end that way.

Because of how no fun, uh,
prison is.

If Ozis even
40 percent accurate.

Never seen it,
imagine it's terrifying.

Um... any other questions?

-[woman] Why don't...
-Whoa! A lot of...

We'll get to both of you.
Let's start with you.

[woman] Why don't you charge
people to message you?

Why don't I charge people
to message me?

-[woman] Yeah.
-One, because I'm an angel.

-[cheering]
-I don't know

that I would get the money.

But I think that if it cost,
like, three dollars

to message me, it would be
a bummer for all of us.

Like, I'd be a monster,
a monster with a taco,

but a monster.

I think if people knew
it was like for a taco fund,

then they'd be like,
"This guy's good."

I don't-- yeah, I don't know
who gets the money.

Uh, so that's the answer
to that.

And I would never charge.
I would just not read a message.

But I wouldn't accept money
to read it.

That sounds exhausting.

And then from over here
there was a question?

[man] Would you reply to
messages and/or send nude pics?

-[laughter]
-No nude pics.

-[woman] Aw!
-Sor-- sorry?

[laughter]

-[man boos]
-I'm not even sure

I'd accept nude pics,
let alone...

...send them. Uh...

And then would I reply
to messages?

I do on occasion reply
to messages. Sure.

Um, but I don't want it
to get out there,

so I wouldn't wanna, I don't
know, say that on a TV special

or anything.

So hopefully this whole part
will be just you beeped

completely and then me beeped
completely, like...

"I wonder what they said,
but he seems so friendly."

[man] You actually
replied to me.

I replied to you. Yeah. Right?

See? That's proof.
I'll write Robin Hood back.

-[cheering]
-Great.

You probably said something
really normal,

you probably were like,
"I like your stuff

and you're a nice person."
And I was like,

"You're a nice person. Thanks."
Right?

Yeah, if you write, like,
"I'm crazy.

I want to wash your shoes."

You will never hear from me.

Like... but if you write, like,
"Hey, thanks.

The thing that you said
that was funny made me happy,"

I'd be like, "Thank you."

'Cause I'm, uh,
what do you call it? Normal.

Normal... I don't wanna start
a relationship

online with a lunatic.
And by relationship,

I mean any interaction.

Uh, one more question,
and then more stories. Anybody?

[man] What's Neil deGrasse Tyson
like?

What's Neil deGrasse Tyson like?

Uh, he is as soft
as a unicorn...

...and as smart
as a million bumblebees!

But no, he's...

He's, uh...

His... the amount he knows
is like it's suspicious.

It's like... yeah.

He's... he's really sweet
and very...

No, it's-- no, he's too war...
like, warm and, like,

uh, generous as a person
to be a robot.

I think you yelled,
"Is he a robot?"

Otherwise, what I said
is just weird.

Yeah, no, Neil is great.
He's, like, very sweet

and knowledgeable to a fault.
No.

[laughs] Knowledgeable
in an amazing way.

All right. Uh...
more jokey stories.

-[cheering]
-Great!

I went, uh, last year

to a music festival in Mexico,

uh, that is hosted by Peter
Buck, the guitarist of REM.

-And, uh... yeah.
-[scattered cheers]

I do things. Um...

And I'd never been to Mexico,
and the festival happens

at, uh, it's
in the Baja Peninsula.

It's in this small town
that's very lovely.

And it happens literally
at the Hotel California.

Which... which I think if you
work there must be exhausting,

'cause people probably,
every time they arrive,

they must be like,

"So I can check out
any time I like?"

And then the staff has to be,
like, "No, it's at noon."

And then they bite down
on a cyanide capsule,

and kill themselves and a new
staff is hired every morning.

I... the first night
that, uh, that I was there,

I went to this concert
on a beach.

Uh, and I ate a wasp.

Just right away,
ate a wasp.

It was in a taco.
I didn't, like...

...find a wasp on the ground.

And the taco they were serving,
I didn't find the taco

on the ground either.
It was, uh... very...

So I bit this taco,
and I was like,

"This taco really hurts."

And I started looking
in the taco 'cause I was like,

"I wonder what hurts so much
in this taco."

And, uh, like, I didn't know
what I thought I would find,

like, I'd find, like, tiny
Nicolas Cage and be like,

"What are you doing
in my taco?

Shouldn't you be making
weird career decisions?"

But I found a wasp.

And I've never been, like,
so relieved to be like,

"Oh, thank God, just a wasp
stung my face.

Everything's fine."

As my face swells. Um...

But the thing that happened
that's super...

that was super crazy was
the last night of the festival.

The town's really small,
it's like, the downtown's

like five blocks
by five blocks.

And after the festival,
a bunch of people

went from the concert
to Peter Buck's house

around the corner,
and I found myself

at 3 in the morning
walking down this dirt road,

just two blocks, uh,
to my hotel with Michael Stipe.

And we were... we were just
walking and sharing recipes

and, you know, goofing around.
And I was teaching him

Krav Maga, and...

We were walking,
and, uh, about

30 feet from the entrance
to our hotel,

uh, in pitch black night,
three in the morning,

all of a sudden this SUV
screeches out of an alleyway

and stops in front of us,
and two Mexican policemen

jumped out and started screaming
at me and Michael Stipe

in Spanish.

I don't speak any Spanish.

They spoke excellent Spanish.

They're pointing at us,
and pointing at the SUV.

And we don't really know-- we
know we've done nothing wrong.

We know we don't wanna go
on a whale watch.

We don't know... and...

And we sort of look at each
other and keep walking

towards the hotel,
and then they put

Michael Stipe's arm
behind his back,

like he's a criminal.
Not like he wrote

"Everybody Hurts,"
but like a criminal.

And they put his hands
on the SUV,

and they start emptying
his pockets.

And, uh, I'm at this point
staring at my phone,

uh, mildly terrified.

Wondering who I could call,
I can't call the police,

they're already helping.

Maybe I could call
John Hodgman.

He would know what to do.

And they put my hands
on the... on the SUV.

And they start emptying
my pockets. This is when

I wish that I'd put, uh,

brie, just not even
in cellophane,

just brie in all my pockets.

Just so when they reached in,
they'd pull out their hands

all wet and sticky.

I'm just like, "You fucked
with the wrong American!

You fucked with the Cheese Man!"

[applause]

And... start emptying stuff
they found:

a pill of Imodium A-D
that I was bringing to a friend.

And they start waving it
in front of me,

like they'd uncovered a plot
to kill the president.

And they confiscated it.

I hope they took it right
before they went to a party,

and still have never shit.

They... they also took out
my wallet

and they did what
I can only describe

as just the shittiest
close-up magic

that I've ever seen,
where they're just doing this.

And at this point,
Michael Stipe's on his phone

and he manages to text "help"
to Peter Buck's wife.

And, it, autocorrects
to "hello."

"Hi, Michael.

Thought you were
going to sleep."

And, uh, finally they, uh,

they give us, they let us
put everything in our pockets.

And then the whole time,
they're only speaking Spanish

and, like, pointing.
And then finally, they, like,

break into English,
but it's something weird.

Where they're just like, "Okay,

well, have fun in Mexico
and check out The Wire,

it's a very good series,"
and like,

you're just like, wait, what?
And...

And then they jump in the SUV
and they screech off,

just like normal policemen
would.

And we're walking back
to the hotel,

uh, you know, relieved
and terrified.

And I look in my wallet
and I realize

they... they left
all the American money,

but they stole a thousand pesos.

They stole about
a hundred dollars.

I was like, "Oh, my God!

That was just
a really great mugging."

What, like, uh...

Like, what a super, like,
low-key,

nobody got hurt,
really just lovely mugging.

And, uh...

And I call, the next morning
I called my girlfriend,

and I was like,
"Uh, so last night,

at three in the morning,
I was mugged

by the Mexican police,

with Michael Stipe,

and they stole, uh,
a hundred dollars."

And then she just kind of
pauses and goes,

"That story sounds like it's
worth about a hundred dollars."

-Fair enough.
-[applause]

So last summer, uh,

I went to Portsmouth,
New Hampshire

with my girlfriend,
we went, uh,

it's a lovely sort of
seaside town.

And we went and we rented a car

and we parked it
in a parking garage

and we got a little ticket
that you put in the dashboard

and we did everything.
We walked around,

and then when we got back
to the car,

I saw there was a ticket
on the windshield.

And I was like, "What?"
How could I have...

...parked wrong?
Like, I was so baffled.

I was like, "What could this
possibly be for?"

And I looked at the ticket,

that I got there,
and the violation was

"parked in wrong direction."

Agreed.

So... so we had backed...
we had backed the car up,

uh, into the spot, which
apparently in New Hampshire

is quite illegal.

Um, and I looked at, like,
the thing that we put

in the dashboard to see
if there was any way

we could have known this,
and the ticket says,

"This ticket permits you
to park in accordance

with the regulations."

I think we all know
what those are.

Who doesn't know the regulations
in Portsmouth, New Hampshire?

"This ticket must
be displayed clearly

on your vehicle dashboard and
the vehicle parked correctly."

Two opportunities to say,
like...

They mean don't back up
into a spot,

'cause nobody would park
across three spots,

spray paint "fuck you"
on it and walk away.

So they literally mean
"don't back up."

But they don't say it twice.

I, uh, I became furious.

The ticket was for $15.
I paid it right away. Uh...

But I was, like, "These people
are thieves.

They're criminals."
I was so mad at them.

'Cause there'd be no way
to know this law.

And I was like,
I wonder how I could let

Portsmouth know how disappointed

I am in them.

And so we had spent the day
walking around

using this lovely harbor guide.

Uh, full of, you know,
ads for seafood places,

and whatnot, and I was like,
"Maybe I can take out

a full page ad with a letter

to them that would be there
for the year."

So this is run
by the Chamber of Commerce,

and I reached out to them and I
was like, "I'd love to take out

a full page ad, it's about, uh,
it's a letter to your city

about a ticket I got."
And they were literally like,

"Yes, let's do it."

In the email:
hashtag "fearless."

They were like,
"We'll publish your letter."

I sent them the letter,

next day, "Hey, uh,

we can't publish... We're...

We'll lose all the other
advertising."

I was like, "Ah! But I really
want to let everybody know."

So there's another independent
guide that's much bigger,

that's distributed there.

Uh, their summer guide.
It's all...

Both are like for, like
the run of the year.

Like, they're all summer.
It's like for the whole time.

And I emailed them and I was
like, "Will you run my letter

to your city about how
mad I am at the parking there?"

And they were like, "Yes."

So this summer there will be
a full page ad,

along with restaurant
recommendations,

of why I am mad
at the city of Portsmouth.

And this is the letter
that will be a full page ad

for the entire summer.

As people are like, "Ooh, that
looks like a good lobster place.

Ooh, this comedian
is quite mad about a ticket.

He's willing to pay
a hundred times that ticket..."

Anyway, here's the letter
that will run.

"Dear Portsmouth, New Hampshire,
and especially

the Parking Clerk's Office,

last June I had a wonderful
day walking around

in your historic downtown
with my girlfriend.

I bought two puppets,
who turned out to be gay.

Just kidding. They're puppets.

We stopped in cute shops,
ate a popover,

and saw black David Cross.

It was nice.

Then when we returned
to our car,

on my windshield was a ticket.

What could this possibly be for,
I thought.

I paid for three hours
of parking,

but only used two.
You're welcome, Portsmouth.

Is it a crime in Portsmouth
to not use all the parking

you bought?

How do you know I'd be back
early?

Do you have
a pre-crime division?

Why are your pre-cogs
working on traffic tickets?

Shouldn't they be out preventing
street performers

before they happen?

But no, I read the violation.
We backed into a spot

and were fined $15 for being
'parked in the wrong direction.'

What kind of a horseshit charge
is that?

It's illegal to back
into a spot?

Before I embarrass myself,
I just want to make sure

that Portsmouth is still
inside the United States,

and not considered a part
of Iran!

You're probably thinking,
'Well, if before visiting

Portsmouth, like everyone else,
you'd simply first gone

to the city clerk's office
website,

clicked on City of Portsmouth
ordinances,

and looked in chapter seven,
vehicles, traffic and parking,

right there in section 7.316,

back to curb. It says no vehicle
shall remain backed up

to the curb.' This is factually
accurate information.

Similarly, if you had gone
to my website

before I came to your city and
clicked on Eugene's ordinances,

you'd know that in chapter one
under 'Fuck you,

don't steal my money...'

...in section 8.215 it says,

'Fuck you,
don't steal my money!'"

-[applause]
-Thanks.

"But even if I had
gone to your website,

it states that
the online ordinances

are not an official copy.

That for the official
ordinances,

I have to call 610-7245.

Why no area code?

Am I calling from
a local land line in 1986?

But instead I foolishly
looked around for signs,

both real and from God.

I saw nothing.

But I heard God's voice
and he said,

'This is fucking bullshit.

You need
to write them a letter.'

Lastly, as you know,
New Hampshire's state motto

is General John Stark's
celebrated quote,

'Live free or die.'

Which he famously said
before attempting

the first recorded self BJ.

If John Stark was alive today,

he would be 287 years old.

Also, right after learning
about cars,

General Stark would then
be disgusted

to discover Portsmouth
doesn't even give people

the freedom to back
into a spot.

Which, by your own state's
twisted logic,

turns my $15 ticket

into a fight to the death!

With great disappointment,
Eugene Mirman."

-[applause, cheering]
-Thanks.

Um, any questions still?

[man] How much did it cost?

How much did it cost?

Uh... I think it was...

That's funny, 'cause I'm just
trying to figure out the exact--

It was like $1560 or so.

[laughter]

Is that... is that a lot
or a little?

-'Cause...
-[man] This is a free show.

-Say it again.
-[man] This is a free show.

Yeah, but when it gets
on television,

I'll definitely make
at least $1500, so...

-[applause]
-I'll break even.

You would be shocked
at the number of things I do

where I'm like, "Oh,
I guess it'll break even."

Um, yeah, no, I guess that's...
I don't know.

To make fun of a city
for a whole summer?

And really not even the city,
they're partly--

The funny thing is, is I was...
So I was...

I think I just forgot
to mention,

I was there one week ago today.

And I did this bit
and then that's how, like,

I got in touch with everybody
to get these ads

in their papers,
and they had had...

Parking is their, like,
that's their number one battle.

Like, you know how some places
are mad at taxes or marriage?

New Hampshire only argues
about parking.

They get their cars, like,
booted for $5 tickets.

I didn't know. I had struck
a chord that goes...

...that is as important, like,
the way abortion is some places,

they're like,
"You can't park in the what?"

They don't care about nothing
but parking.

Um... [laughs]

Anyway, it was totally worth it.

I was so excited to... I knew
that the other people

would never let me run the ad,
though they wrote me "fearless."

And I was like, "Hey, can I pay
for this now?"

Like, I wanted
to like definitely...

Anyway, it's good.
Great part, great...

If... you know, if you don't
know anything about standup,

always end a bit that does well
with just a ramble-y thing

that kind of...
kind of goes to nowhere.

But is mildly informative.

So, uh, so there's a Whole Foods

that opened by my house
a little while ago.

And when a Whole Foods opens,

they really try to ingratiate
themselves on the community,

and they, you know,
source locally and all that.

But they also try to really
get in with artists

and various other
sort of things.

And one of the things they kept
talking about

is how they were gonna display
the artwork of local artists

and have all these
artist events.

And I don't paint,

but then when I saw that,
I was like,

"I paint."

And I became obsessed
with having a gallery show

at Whole Foods.

And so I made a bunch
of paintings that I believe

are quite locally themed,
and, uh...

And then even I got to do it
on Seth Meyers,

where I was like,
"Here are some paintings.

I'd love to display them
at Whole Foods."

And then Whole Foods
very begrudgingly was like,

"Yeah, let's talk about it."

And then set a meeting
that never quite happened,

but I have not given up.
My paintings...

I only want to display them
at Whole Foods.

I don't want to be displayed--
I don't want-- That's...

That's my,
that's where my art lives.

So I made a bunch of paintings
and I want to show them to you,

-uh, and get them...
-[cheering, applause]

So each painting has a title...

...that I believe is inspired
by, you know,

where I live and who I am.

This is called, uh,

"Gender Neutral Child Learning
About the Conflict in Syria."

This is, uh,

"Curly-Haired 38-Year-Old
with Several Gay Friends

Ordering Kale."

"Couple Under a Tree Wishing

They Were Biracial."

"Two Bearded Authors

Arguing About Whose Childhood
Was Worse."

"Mother Breastfeeding
a Roof Goat

Because it is Her Right."

-Thank you.
-[applause]

I could really see that
right by the broccoli rabe.

And then lastly,

"Vegan On His Way
to the Complain Store."

-Thanks.
-[cheering, applause]

So, uh, I want
to do one final thing.

And, um, I, uh...

So I filled out a thing online

where I became a minister

and can marry people,

in 40 of the 50 states.

I don't know which 40,
but chances are...

...this is one of them
because that's how chances work.

So I'm wondering
if there's a couple here

that's been in a relationship
for a long time,

and would like, uh,
me to marry them onstage.

[scattered cheering]

You guys would? Who else?

Are you guys... are you...
How long have you been

-in a relationship?
-A bit over a year.

-A bit over a year?
-[laughter]

How serious are you guys?

What are you gonna say?

It would be really funny
if you were like, "I don't know

we're going through
a rough thing. I'd really...

Like, I love hooking up
with strangers at McDonald's.

But I do also really love her,
so..."

Uh, all right,
if you guys are serious,

you seem both...
you seem shy in a way

that this will be good,
and you seem, uh, intelligent.

Let's do this.
You seem nice.

-You have a great look.
-[cheering]

Let's get them some microphones.

Normally...

This is probably the first time
I married a couple

that have been together
for only a year.

But I will say this:
you seem genuinely in love

-and genuinely anxious.
-[laughter]

Um, so here, we've marked...
Here, come over here.

There's little "x's"
right there.

Each of you can stand on them.

We knew we were
gonna marry someone,

we just didn't know
who they'd be.

Oh, you wore flip-flops
to your wedding. Wow.

Okay.

All right. Well...
What are your names?

-Sasha.
-Sasha? Okay.

-Logan.
-Logan and Sasha.

Shouldn't you
be living in Brooklyn?

Great. Um, all right.
So this is gonna be

in the classic "I do" format,
where I'll say a vow

and you just say "I do."

Great.

I like that you're
holding hands.

[woman in audience]
Aww.

You're both, uh, what do you
guys do for... for a living?

We're both
illustration students.

Both illustration students?
Oh.

-Art school.
-And you agree? Okay. He agrees.

That is...

You answered that
adorably terrified.

All right. There is...

I would put it
at 15 percent chance

that this is legally binding.

Once they told me that
I was... could do it,

I was sort of like, great.
Never looked into the details.

Let's do this, Logan and Sasha.

Is it like owning

-part of the moon?
-Say it again?

It's like owning part
of the moon.

It's like owning part

of the moon? What was...

It's like you're not really sure
if it's legal to do that.

Oh, yeah.

[laughter, applause]

I would say that this is more
legal than if you bought

-some of the moon.
-All right.

-Like on a scale of one...
-I would say if you own

a little of the moon,
you don't own any of the moon.

Oh, okay.

-There goes...
-But I like that you make

fast tangential connections.

You couldn't tell me
what you did,

but when it came time
for a moon joke,

you were right there.

All right.

Let's do this, Logan, Sasha.

Let's get married.

All right.
Dear friends and family,

we are gathered here to witness,

like a car accident...

...the union of Sasha and Logan,

who probably love each other
very much.

In the years they've been
together, their love has grown,

like a teenager's boner.

Confused but excited because
of something on the ground

that reminded him of breasts.

All right, Logan.

This is the first vow.

You can just say "I do."

I promise to love you
for a very, very long time.

-I do.
-Great.

Sasha. I promise to let you
squeeze my breasts

in a way I don't really like
but you seem to enjoy.

I do.

[cheering, applause]

Well, I see I've uncovered
a layer of the onion

that is Logan.

All right, Logan?

I promise to ask your permission

before I do anything
involving your butt.

-I do.
-Great.

Modern man, totally with it.

Okay, Sasha. I promise
to get mad at you

for no reason and then ask you
to run errands for me.

-I do.
-Good.

Logan, I promise to bottle up
my feelings

and get mad at you for hiding
things I've actually misplaced.

-I do.
-Good.

Wow, it's like I live
with you guys.

Okay, Sasha.
I promise not to imagine

Ryan Gosling
when we're making love,

or as Ryan would call it,
"fucking."

-I do.
-Great.

Not so hard for you.

All right. Logan.

I promise to love you forever
and never ever

make a weird deal on a trade
with someone to murder you!

-I do.
-Great.

So far, you're making
all the right choices.

Sasha. I promise to love you
forever and share my thoughts

and feelings and never cut your
penis off in your sleep.

-I do.
-Great.

Sometimes people have trouble
with that one.

You rightfully don't.
All right. Last vow.

Do you both promise
to build a future together

that will be unshakeable
even by the anger

of the new gods
and the old gods?!

-I do!
-I do!

Great. You may now hug or kiss,

whatever you're
comfortable with.

-[cheering, applause]
-Yay! I now pronounce you

-husband and wife.
-[cheering]

By all the power invested in me
by the Internet!

Thank you very, very much.
Thank you so much, Sasha.

Thank you very much, Logan.

You can give them...

Well, there you have it.

-[cheering]
-Two young angels.

[applause]

Married. That's really,
that's the show.

That's all of it, I marry
people, that's the whole thing.

Thank you guys so very much.
So fun.

Tucson,
you're the most wonderful.

Thank you, everybody.
Good night!

Bye-bye. Thank you.

[cheering, applause]

[playing upbeat melody]

-[all whooping, shouting]
-[gunshots]

Well, let's go forward.

And, uh, lightly.

Let's see if we can't
walk into a tree slowly.

-Okay, you're doing great--
-Duck forward, duck forward.

-Duck forward!
-Duck forward.

Don't lean back,
don't lean back.

-Come here. Lean towards me.
-Oh!

-[Eugene laughing] Okay.
-[man laughs]

-[both laughing]
-You're doing great, Button.

Don't worry about it.
I'm not mad at you.

But I definitely accidentally
walked into a tree.

-But it's fine.
-Well, I tried to pull you

-out of the tree.
-I like that we're in a field,

and I walked into the only tree

in this field.