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♪♪

[man] Any last words?

I really need to use the bathroom.

-Good luck. -[audience cheering]

[Mirman] Hello!

[cheering, applauding]

Tucson!

The greatest city in the area!

[cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

It is so wonderful being in your totally fine,

slightly weird town.

It's great here.

Oh, good. Any questions so far?

Good. Very reasonable.

I've had a lot of fun. I've been here for a few days.

How you've been here for years is...

Anyway, congratulations.

It's totally lovely.

And I get that the rest of the city isn't cowboy-themed.

It would be funny if I was standing here and I was like,

"Tucson has not updated anything.

They just discovered it and were like, 'This is fine.

All we need is a blacksmith and a barbecue place.'"

[sighs, laughs]

Um, it's great. Uh...

I, uh, I like to play a game with my girlfriend

when I go to the supermarket where I try to think

of something that I can yell to her

that would make people think that she is crazy.

And we were at the supermarket and I was behind

the shopping cart and she was maybe ten, 15 feet

away from me, and I yelled to her,

"You know what? I am gonna get toilet paper!

I don't think it's a waste!"

You see everybody look at her like she's some crazy

toilet paper vegan.

I was in a cafe and I saw a six-year-old

wearing a fedora.

And I always thought to myself that when I saw abuse,

I would know what to do.

But you can't call the police

and be like, "There's a six-year-old in a fedora.

I think he's being raised to be an insufferable jazz guitarist."

I stayed, uh, at a hotel in Boston,

and I had to make an hour-long phone call

on a land line to New York City, and afterwards--

I didn't know how much it would cost, and afterwards,

when I was checking out I was like, uh,

"How much was that phone call?" The woman behind the counter

was like, "Oh, your phone call was $66."

That's crazy.

That would only be reasonable if that's how much it cost

the day after they invented the phone.

You'd be like, "Yeah, that sounds like magic.

I would absolutely... try your wizard machine.

I will also throw in my firstborn son."

That's crazy, if a hotel wants to make money that badly,

then they should just charge to, like, use the bathroom

in your own hotel room. You know? I've certainly been

in a situation where I really need to use the bathroom,

and I'll go into a business and they'll be like,

"I'm sorry, it's for customers only."

Then I'll be like, "Fine. I'll have, uh,

Honda Civic."

Every fall, I go to Provincetown in Massachusetts on Cape Cod

with a bunch of friends from college.

-[scattered cheering] -Yeah, you're welcome.

[laughs]

And if you don't know, Provincetown

is very, very Boston-y and it's also very, very gay.

And, uh, I heard maybe the best accent

I've ever heard in my life, which is a guy whose accent

was 60 percent Boston and 40 percent gay.

And he just kind of went, "I don't have a fuckin'

windbreaker to 'weah' on my whale-watch!"

I was like, "You're perfect, sir."

I wanted to, like, shrink him and put him in my pocket.

So that anytime I felt sadness I could open it up

and he'd just be like, "I'm gonna make a kale salad

-with cranberries!" -[laughter]

I wa... I wanted to have, like, a child and move

to another country so he could be an au pair.

I, uh, I did a show in Northampton, Massachusetts.

And there was an article in the local paper about it

and they interviewed one of the comics on the show

but they misquoted him. He had said that, uh,

comedy is tragedy plus time,

which is like a very popular thing, uh, to say.

But they had quoted him as saying, "Comedy is tragedy

plus timing."

That is a radically different idea.

"Comedy is tragedy plus time" is like,

in World War I, they used to use mustard gas,

and now that's something you get at a deli.

"Comedy is tragedy plus timing"

is the idea that yesterday I found out that my friend

got... Lou Gehrig's Disease!

A lot of people ask me if, uh, I try jokes out on Twitter.

And I don't, but I do try them out on LinkedIn!

That is a very dumb thing to say.

But a lot of fun.

Um, I was in Austin, uh, at the airport,

and I was buying a neck pillow.

And the guy at the counter was like,

"If you get one neck pillow, it's $17.99.

But if you get two, it's only $20.99."

I was like, "Oh, I would totally do that,

if I had two necks."

The guy behind the counter laughed.

The guy behind me laughed.

He'd like never heard a joke.

He was like, "What do you call what you just did?"

He was blown away.

Um, I love Game of Thrones.

-And, uh... -[cheering]

Yeah! I am just like you.

We have the same culture.

Um... did you know that Khaleesi is becoming

a really popular baby name?

Like, more popular than, like, Betsy.

Which is moderately popular, but at least that's a name.

You know, but I do love Game of Thrones.

And I was thinking that maybe if I had a little boy,

I would, you know, maybe I would name him, like,

Black Vagina Fog.

That is my Game of Thronesjoke.

Where, uh, where we record Bob's Burgers,

-um, on the... Yeah. -[scattered cheering]

-Uh... -[cheering, applause]

I'm gonna just name things.

Um, where we record it on the-- I think we share...

The floor is shared with like a computer company or something.

And in the bathroom is a sign that tells you

to not, uh, pee everywhere, and if you do, clean it up.

Which I always think is really funny,

as if like that's a thing a person wouldn't know.

I get if that was like in a kindergarten room.

But this is all... anyway.

And then also at, uh, a lot of restaurants,

as you know, in the bathroom it'll say, like,

there'll be a sign that says, "Employees must wash hands."

And, uh, I always wanted to add, like,

it made me wanna really add signs to restaurant bathrooms.

But if I just put a sign there, I know that people

would just think a person put a sign there.

I was sort of like, what would make it seem like official?

And I decided that that line was lamination.

You know, if you laminate a sign and put--

Nobody thinks somebody would buy a laminating machine as a joke.

So I bought a laminating machine.

And I've been going around New York City

and adding signs just, you know, a pretty official looking sign

underneath the regular sign.

And here's just some of the signs I've been putting up.

"Please do not flush socks down toilet."

"Please wash feet before returning to work."

"Do not use your cell phone ever again."

"Walk out of here crying and ask for a lawyer."

"Divorce is not an option."

"It's normal to feel Jewish, even if you're not."

"Your child is being raised wrong."

And then lastly, "There are officially

no more snakes here."

Thank you.

Nobody would have thought there were snakes.

They must be terrified that there are officially none.

I rented a car.

Um, and I got into a car accident

on the highway with a semi truck.

-[audience] Ooh! -Yeah, I know.

I had that exact reaction.

The good news is I got into the accident

at about seven miles an hour.

So I was getting into a lane,

and I thought I was in a lane and then the truck

absolutely disagreed,

and it hit me, and, uh, then we both pulled over.

And, uh, we were both shaken,

and the guy got out and he was furious.

And he started yelling like, "You cut me off!

Look where you're going!" And I, uh,

I disagreed with him, but I wasn't gonna match his energy.

And he's, like, yelling, like, "You cut me off! Ahh!"

And then I just look at him and I go,

"No!"

He was terrified.

He was like, "I don't know what you're doing.

But I do not like it."

We were... I was like, "Should we exchange information?"

And, uh, and his favorite restaurant is Panera.

He went to his truck and got like a binder

with everything that I needed, and then I went

to the glove compartment of my rental car,

and sort of started looking through the...

Like a kitty cat, like I was like, "I don't know what..."

[meows]

And then I was just, like, pulling things out,

and, like, showing them to him-- Like, I was, like,

like I might as well have taken out, like,

shoelaces and wet chicken and been like,

"Is this what you need? Is this...

...at all helpful? I don't know what...

We're looking for. I don't see... anything."

And he's definitely like, "Hey, how'd you get a car?"

And I called the rental car company

and they're like, "Your agreement,

your rental agreement is your registration."

I'm like, great, and I give it to him.

And we exchange everything.

And then a policeman comes

and he's really nice.

And he fills out a police report

and then I think the guy who owns the truck company

comes and he's like a super muscular Danny DeVito.

And that's good. And then I leave.

Um, well, I... I asked the policeman

if I could go, I didn't just go, like, "I'm an artist.

And this is boring!" I...

I was like, "Can I go?" And he was like, "Sure."

And, uh, a few weeks later, the rental car company called me

to go through everything, they asked like 30-40 questions.

The last two questions are: "Were you under the influence?"

and "Were you distracted?"

And I couldn't help myself.

'Cause I was like, "Well, I don't know if it would matter,

but I had taken PCP.

And I was experiencing a loss of ego boundaries.

And I was also watching Backdraft."

Do you think somewhere there's a recording of that?

[laughs]

That... that's a thing that happened.

I do get a lot of emails... I get a lot of emails

asking, people asking me to join either LinkedIn

or recommend them. I know it's not a dating site,

but it could-- No, uh...

I, uh, so I get a lot of things asking me to be on LinkedIn.

And I was finally like, you know what? I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna make a résumé. And did you know--

So I made one. You can write anything you want.

Like, anything. There's no... no-- nothing checks it.

Like, for instance, I made a profile, that's me.

And, uh, my job is, as you know,

I'm the senior VP of pee-pee at Verizon.

And it kind of goes like, "Do you mean

the telecommunications company?" I'm like, "Yep.

Tag it. Tag it."

I don't think Verizon searches,

'cause I'm still the senior VP of pee-pee.

The only jobs that I'm approached about

are other VP positions in New York City.

And then it's sort of like,

"Tell me about your job experience."

And, you know, and I'm like, "Oh, well, uh,

I am passionately opposed to sex in bathrooms

in the workplace.

I don't think it should happen unless both parties

agree on it.

I guess I'm simply against sexual assault in bathrooms."

I'm on the right side of that issue.

Just if there's any question.

You can also write in, uh, what you did previously,

and I wrote that my job beforehand was that I was

the... "Holy fuck, shit! Oh, no!

At CNN."

You write then your skills. My skills are, uh,

marketing. Right?

My next skill is surgery.

That's a guy you want on your side.

Another skill I have is that I'm bicurious-curious.

So sort of like if you're bicurious, I'm like,

"Tell me how that-- what is that like

to be interested-- tell me about that experience."

Another thing I do pretty well

is, uh, wolf toss.

So like, if there was like a...

The job, if there was like a wolf-- a wolf that was asleep,

I wouldn't throw it, 'cause I'm not a fucking idiot.

But I'd definitely gently toss...

...toss the wolf.

And then lastly, my last skill is, "I can tell

if someone is telling the truth by drowning them."

So I realized I put my birthday as January 1st, 1905.

So that's a guy with experience.

He maybe is good at surgery.

He could drain your humors.

Weirdly, at the bottom, instead of it saying, like,

contact information, it just says,

"Advice for contacting Eugene."

Like you would just be like, "Well, have you tried his mom?

She can always...

She can always get through."

I just wrote, "Cut a message in a corn field,

take a picture and stand outside in the crowd

of Good Morning America."

-Thank you. -[applause]

Thanks. I made, uh, I made a pretty sweet zine.

I cut up a bunch of things,

and, like, you know, pasted it.

And then I went to, uh...

Kinko's to try to make some copies.

I went to a copy place. And I was like,

"Hey, can you, uh..."

I was like, "Can you make, like, I don't know, like,

100 or 200 copies on colored paper for tomorrow?"

And I thought that was a pretty reasonable question.

And then they, to my surprise, were like,

[shouting] "We don't have that kind of paper in stock!

Corporate doesn't let us have that kind of paper!"

I was so... they acted like I went into the Kinko's,

and was like, [shouting] "Who here can land a plane?!"

None of them can.

Um...

Around Jewish High Holidays,

uh, in New York, there's a lot of, uh,

Jews on the streets that are... that are dressed

as kind of like Gandalf the Sad.

And if you're Jewish, when you pass them,

they get very excited and they're like,

"Are you Jewish?" 'Cause they want to cast a spell

and do a thing.

And I always, you know, I have this conflict

where, like, I, you know, I don't want to talk to them,

but I also don't wanna lie to them 'cause I don't want

to feel-- I feel the weight of thousands of years

of ancestors being like, "Really? We went through

all this and you won't even just be like...

...just be like, 'Oh, no, I'm Greek, bye.'"

I get so anxious.

And I was in downtown Brooklyn, I was walking to Guitar Center

and I passed these two very sad Gandalfs.

And their eyes light up and they're like, "Are you Jewish?"

And I start getting so anxious and I don't know what to say,

and I just go, like, "Yes! But you don't know how Jewish.

I just almost killed my son on a mountaintop!"

We kind of both agreed, like, I didn't like,

but no need to keep talking to me.

And I went on and I went to, uh, Guitar Center.

And when you get there, uh,

they take your bag from you, 'cause they're afraid

you'll steal guitars in your canvas bag.

And, uh, the guy took my bag and he was like,

"Oh, my God. Uh, you're on Adult Swim.

You're on Delocated." I was like, "Yeah."

And he's like, "Oh, I love that show."

I'm like, "Thank you." Then I go in

and I get whatever cable I'm getting.

And then when I'm leaving, he gives me back my bag

and he goes, "You know, we actually get a lot

of celebrities here." And I was like, "Oh, he's gonna

be like, 'This is the store that Slash comes to buy ropes

to tie up his balls so he can cum.'"

I'm like, "Yeah! Tell me that story!"

And he's like, "Yeah, you know who else comes here?

He's, uh, guy, he plays like a kid on a cartoon

on Fox about a family that runs, like, a burger place,

plays like..." I'm just sort of staring at him.

And I'm like, "Do you mean me?"

And he's like, "Oh, yeah. Still just you.

-You still come here sometimes." -[applause]

I was-- I was at a street fair in, uh, Brooklyn.

And I passed this lady who was handing out these cards.

That, I think I have one. Yeah. It's a, uh,

"Get out of hell free."

I got super excited, I was like, "Can I have some?"

She gave me like two or three. I took them and I went,

"Now I can murder someone!"

And... she looked at me, and she kind of went like,

"Yes."

Like, "Oh, my God. You're terrifying."

She was like, "That's not why we're here,

but that is a perk."

I... I signed up for ChristianMingle.

-Um... -[laughter]

Even though I am Jewish and engaged.

And when you sign up for ChristianMingle,

right away they're like "Hey, don't use your real name.

Use a screen name." And I was like, "Okay.

I'm Princess Thunderballs."

And within like 20-30 minutes, I was locked out of the account.

And they were like, "Princess Thunderballs, sir,

you're not allowed to find love."

Fair enough, ChristianMingle.

But they sold or shared my name with Believe.com.

And Believe.com has none of those limitations.

They email me all the time. And you can't unsubscribe.

You have to, like, to unsubscribe you have to write it

on a shoe why you wanna leave and mail it to them,

and then they get it, they're like, "Not good enough."

And they send me all sorts of stuff, and one of the best

things they send me is, uh, this thing called, uh, Ask...

Here, I'll show it to you. This thing they send me

called Ask a Pastor, where this very lovely pastor,

you can go online and ask him anything.

You don't even have to log in to your account.

You can just go and ask him a question.

So often now when I get home after a show,

I'll just kind of log on and be like,

"Here's a question for you, Mr. Pastor."

And so here's just some of the questions I've asked

this lovely pastor.

"What's a nice way to get out of a marriage with someone

you don't know well that you met at a bus stop/casino?"

"My wife is always gossiping about this and that

and it drives me crazy. Is it okay to start having sex

with men as long as they can keep a secret?"

"I know God says it's okay to judge people because

of their race. That's it. Just kind of a fun fact."

"Why am I not allowed to use the bathroom

at my friend Max's house?"

"Hey, man, I sometimes have doubts.

Not sure about what, though, and that's kind of the problem."

"I like to think of my ding-dong as a police baton.

Any advice?"

Last one.

"I believe I am the father of a child.

And so does my friend.

What's a good way to resolve this?

He suggested that we cut the baby in half.

But I think a paternity test makes more sense.

I don't just want part of a dead baby,

like some other Jewish parents.

Does the Bible have any advice

on this situation?"

[applause]

I imagine he's like, "It literally does come up."

Here's a thing that, uh, happens to me a lot now,

which is when I'm in a store,

people assume I work at that store.

And it is across all stores.

I was in Milwaukee at the Public Market in a spice shop,

and a lady pointed at like these... at like Himalayan salts

at, like, slabs and salt, and she was like,

"Oh! What do you do with that?" I was like,

"Oh you can grill on it."

And she's like, "Oh, is this like

a substitute for salt?" I'm like, "No.

Himalayan salt is a salt. It's often thought of

as the purest salt." She's like, "How much is it?"

And I'm like, "Oh, I... Oh, I don't..."

I wanted to be like, "You can have everything for $16."

'Cause, like, I shouldn't answer...

But the kind that had happened that was the best

was last summer I was in, uh, a shoe store in Rome

in Italy and it was like a... like if, like,

Foot Locker just sold, uh, discount dress shoes.

Whatever that is, that store.

And I was there, uh, and this lady came up to me

and she starts pointing at shoes, and in Italian,

I think, asking about the shoes.

But pointing at them and speaking Italian.

And I don't know-- I don't speak Italian.

I don't know how to say "I don't speak Italian."

I can say it in English very well.

In Russian, also quite well.

But in Italian, not at all.

And, uh, so I don't-- so I looked at her

as she's asking me and I'm just like,

"Uh, I don't speak Italian." And then, to my surprise,

she... she switches to English and goes,

"Oh, how much is this shoe?"

She's like, "I get that you don't speak Italian,

but you definitely work in this shoe store.

There's no version where you don't work here.

'Cause look at you, you work at this shoe store."

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna show you a thing.

The only time it made sense.

Here...

Um, the only time it was reasonable

was this last November where somebody thought

I worked at the place I was at was because

I was at a Marriott,

in, uh, Costa Rica,

and I bought a shirt at that Marriott.

And then I put it on right away.

And then I walked around and everybody,

including the employees, clearly thought

I owned that Marriott.

'Cause everybody kept, like, asking me either

how to get places or if everything was all right.

So that was worth it.

I'm gonna hide this now.

Yep.

That's a shirt I have that I can never wear anywhere.

Because it's a Marriott golf shirt.

Well...

I guess if I was hoping to un-have sex in college.

Facebook did a thing where they charged $100,

uh, to send a message to Mark Zuckerberg.

They were testing out a way to message celebrities.

Who here would spend $100

to send a message to Mark Zuckerberg?

-[man boos] -[laughter]

So you wouldn't? Anybody--

Would you spend $100 to send a message to anybody on Facebook?

You would. Yeah.

'Cause you could write anything, that's how I see it.

Uh...

So I, uh... sadly you can't spend the money yet,

but, um, to message people. But I... I love that idea.

And, uh, I... so there's some-- there's two different kinds

of celebrities on Facebook. There's some that you can like,

and some that you can message.

Here's one that you can like.

You can like Harrison Ford.

But you can't be like, "Harrison Ford!

I would-- I think that Han Solo would win in an arm wrestle--"

Like, he doesn't wanna hear any...

You can just like him, and then walk away.

Someone with a very similar style is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

You can like him, but you can't be like,

"Mahmoud, I have some suggestions for you."

He'd be like, "I'm not even in charge anymore!"

"We don't care, Mahmoud. You're the only one

we can remember!"

Mahmoud weirdly has 40,899 likes.

I would get it if Mahmoud had ten million likes,

or if he had, like, two likes, and his parents were like,

"He's still our Mahmoud."

But there are some celebrities on Facebook

that you can like and message.

This is one: Val Kilmer.

-You can like and message... -[cheering]

Yeah. And so I did.

Here's the message I sent Val.

"Hey, Val. I put my dick in peanut butter.

Ha-ha! Great job in Top Gun. Bye-bye.

Eugene.

P.S: Please send nude pics."

I would definitely pay $100

to know that Val Kilmer was like...

"Fine." Click.

Another, uh... another person

you can like and message

-is, uh, John Boehner. -[laughter]

Yeah. That's the right reaction.

It's good that you can message him.

And so I did.

And I would so pay $100 to know that he sat and read it.

And here's the message I wrote John.

"Hey, John. My name is Eugene Mirman,

and I do the voice of Gene on Fox's Bob's Burgers.

I imagine you're job must be super hard,

and that people are blaming you for things when you're just

trying to do the best you can.

If you ever want to take LSD together,

I can try to find some.

I only did it once 20 years ago after a Lou Reed concert,

but I think it'd be fun.

Do you want to go on a road trip together sometime?

If driving across the country with a stranger

makes you nervous, I'm happy to go on horseback.

That way, if you feel uncomfortable,

you can gallop away, no hard feelings."

[applause, cheering]

Any questions so far?

[woman] Did he respond?

You know, very sadly, no.

Same with the pastor. I, like, specifically, like,

wrote in my email, there's like a real place,

and then nothing. But no.

John Boehner probably loves me,

but can't tell me that.

He's probably like, "This guy gets me.

I'm not a square."

Uh... I love...

I love the VU.

-[man] Did you get my message? -Did I get your message?

[man] This morning I sent you one.

-Oh! -Yeah. It was like,

"I'm gonna smell you real good tonight."

-Oh. -It's a picture

of a different man, real buff, and posing.

-Yeah, yeah. -[man] ??

So for those of you who couldn't hear,

his message is, "Did you get my message?

I sent it to you on Facebook.

It's this morning. It said,

'I'm gonna smell you real good.'"

And then the profile picture is of a taught man

in his underwear. And you know why I'm describing it

so accurately, I did get your message.

You fucking lunatic.

Yeah, yeah.

And, uh... yeah, no.

Uh... I mean, first of all, thanks.

I feel like the chances of you getting to...

...smell me real good are... not likely.

I think smell the essence of the theater, maybe--

Anyway, well thank you for your message.

That's really kind of you,

and I hope you never go to prison.

Or do anything that is against the government's rules.

With people.

See? And then with-- if you could pay money,

you'd definitely reach-- I look at this.

Anyway, great. Great. Great, I'm glad I asked.

-Yes, sir? -[man] I hear you recently

came across good advice... to cut your illegitimate child

in half, so what do I do in that case?

What would I do if someone asked me to cut

their baby in half? Uh...

I guess, honestly, it would depend on their religion.

Like, if it's a Buddhist baby, cut that shit in half.

No, I would probably say, like, "Don't cut your baby in half.

But draw a line, or like put masking tape down your baby.

And then be like, 'This half of the baby is mine!

And this half of the baby is yours!'

And then definitely raise it

for its entire life with masking tape on it,

and, like, bitterly fight over how it's groomed

and everything." That's my advice.

But I don't have any children.

And I believe it is legal

to put masking tape on a baby.

But it is illegal to cut it.

You see where I come in, I'm really, like, I'm the...

I love the law! What?

You could do whatever you want.

You have a "get out of hell free" card.

Yeah. I don't believe in hell,

but I do believe in, uh, jail if you cut a person.

I definitely-- nobody stands up in court and goes,

"No big deal! I'm gonna be in heaven."

Few trials end that way.

Because of how no fun, uh, prison is.

If Ozis even 40 percent accurate.

Never seen it, imagine it's terrifying.

Um... any other questions?

-[woman] Why don't... -Whoa! A lot of...

We'll get to both of you. Let's start with you.

[woman] Why don't you charge people to message you?

Why don't I charge people to message me?

-[woman] Yeah. -One, because I'm an angel.

-[cheering] -I don't know

that I would get the money.

But I think that if it cost, like, three dollars

to message me, it would be a bummer for all of us.

Like, I'd be a monster, a monster with a taco,

but a monster.

I think if people knew it was like for a taco fund,

then they'd be like, "This guy's good."

I don't-- yeah, I don't know who gets the money.

Uh, so that's the answer to that.

And I would never charge. I would just not read a message.

But I wouldn't accept money to read it.

That sounds exhausting.

And then from over here there was a question?

[man] Would you reply to messages and/or send nude pics?

-[laughter] -No nude pics.

-[woman] Aw! -Sor-- sorry?

[laughter]

-[man boos] -I'm not even sure

I'd accept nude pics, let alone...

...send them. Uh...

And then would I reply to messages?

I do on occasion reply to messages. Sure.

Um, but I don't want it to get out there,

so I wouldn't wanna, I don't know, say that on a TV special

or anything.

So hopefully this whole part will be just you beeped

completely and then me beeped completely, like...

"I wonder what they said, but he seems so friendly."

[man] You actually replied to me.

I replied to you. Yeah. Right?

See? That's proof. I'll write Robin Hood back.

-[cheering] -Great.

You probably said something really normal,

you probably were like, "I like your stuff

and you're a nice person." And I was like,

"You're a nice person. Thanks." Right?

Yeah, if you write, like, "I'm crazy.

I want to wash your shoes."

You will never hear from me.

Like... but if you write, like, "Hey, thanks.

The thing that you said that was funny made me happy,"

I'd be like, "Thank you."

'Cause I'm, uh, what do you call it? Normal.

Normal... I don't wanna start a relationship

online with a lunatic. And by relationship,

I mean any interaction.

Uh, one more question, and then more stories. Anybody?

[man] What's Neil deGrasse Tyson like?

What's Neil deGrasse Tyson like?

Uh, he is as soft as a unicorn...

...and as smart as a million bumblebees!

But no, he's...

He's, uh...

His... the amount he knows is like it's suspicious.

It's like... yeah.

He's... he's really sweet and very...

No, it's-- no, he's too war... like, warm and, like,

uh, generous as a person to be a robot.

I think you yelled, "Is he a robot?"

Otherwise, what I said is just weird.

Yeah, no, Neil is great. He's, like, very sweet

and knowledgeable to a fault. No.

[laughs] Knowledgeable in an amazing way.

All right. Uh... more jokey stories.

-[cheering] -Great!

I went, uh, last year

to a music festival in Mexico,

uh, that is hosted by Peter Buck, the guitarist of REM.

-And, uh... yeah. -[scattered cheers]

I do things. Um...

And I'd never been to Mexico, and the festival happens

at, uh, it's in the Baja Peninsula.

It's in this small town that's very lovely.

And it happens literally at the Hotel California.

Which... which I think if you work there must be exhausting,

'cause people probably, every time they arrive,

they must be like,

"So I can check out any time I like?"

And then the staff has to be, like, "No, it's at noon."

And then they bite down on a cyanide capsule,

and kill themselves and a new staff is hired every morning.

I... the first night that, uh, that I was there,

I went to this concert on a beach.

Uh, and I ate a wasp.

Just right away, ate a wasp.

It was in a taco. I didn't, like...

...find a wasp on the ground.

And the taco they were serving, I didn't find the taco

on the ground either. It was, uh... very...

So I bit this taco, and I was like,

"This taco really hurts."

And I started looking in the taco 'cause I was like,

"I wonder what hurts so much in this taco."

And, uh, like, I didn't know what I thought I would find,

like, I'd find, like, tiny Nicolas Cage and be like,

"What are you doing in my taco?

Shouldn't you be making weird career decisions?"

But I found a wasp.

And I've never been, like, so relieved to be like,

"Oh, thank God, just a wasp stung my face.

Everything's fine."

As my face swells. Um...

But the thing that happened that's super...

that was super crazy was the last night of the festival.

The town's really small, it's like, the downtown's

like five blocks by five blocks.

And after the festival, a bunch of people

went from the concert to Peter Buck's house

around the corner, and I found myself

at 3 in the morning walking down this dirt road,

just two blocks, uh, to my hotel with Michael Stipe.

And we were... we were just walking and sharing recipes

and, you know, goofing around. And I was teaching him

Krav Maga, and...

We were walking, and, uh, about

30 feet from the entrance to our hotel,

uh, in pitch black night, three in the morning,

all of a sudden this SUV screeches out of an alleyway

and stops in front of us, and two Mexican policemen

jumped out and started screaming at me and Michael Stipe

in Spanish.

I don't speak any Spanish.

They spoke excellent Spanish.

They're pointing at us, and pointing at the SUV.

And we don't really know-- we know we've done nothing wrong.

We know we don't wanna go on a whale watch.

We don't know... and...

And we sort of look at each other and keep walking

towards the hotel, and then they put

Michael Stipe's arm behind his back,

like he's a criminal. Not like he wrote

"Everybody Hurts," but like a criminal.

And they put his hands on the SUV,

and they start emptying his pockets.

And, uh, I'm at this point staring at my phone,

uh, mildly terrified.

Wondering who I could call, I can't call the police,

they're already helping.

Maybe I could call John Hodgman.

He would know what to do.

And they put my hands on the... on the SUV.

And they start emptying my pockets. This is when

I wish that I'd put, uh,

brie, just not even in cellophane,

just brie in all my pockets.

Just so when they reached in, they'd pull out their hands

all wet and sticky.

I'm just like, "You fucked with the wrong American!

You fucked with the Cheese Man!"

[applause]

And... start emptying stuff they found:

a pill of Imodium A-D that I was bringing to a friend.

And they start waving it in front of me,

like they'd uncovered a plot to kill the president.

And they confiscated it.

I hope they took it right before they went to a party,

and still have never shit.

They... they also took out my wallet

and they did what I can only describe

as just the shittiest close-up magic

that I've ever seen, where they're just doing this.

And at this point, Michael Stipe's on his phone

and he manages to text "help" to Peter Buck's wife.

And, it, autocorrects to "hello."

"Hi, Michael.

Thought you were going to sleep."

And, uh, finally they, uh,

they give us, they let us put everything in our pockets.

And then the whole time, they're only speaking Spanish

and, like, pointing. And then finally, they, like,

break into English, but it's something weird.

Where they're just like, "Okay,

well, have fun in Mexico and check out The Wire,

it's a very good series," and like,

you're just like, wait, what? And...

And then they jump in the SUV and they screech off,

just like normal policemen would.

And we're walking back to the hotel,

uh, you know, relieved and terrified.

And I look in my wallet and I realize

they... they left all the American money,

but they stole a thousand pesos.

They stole about a hundred dollars.

I was like, "Oh, my God!

That was just a really great mugging."

What, like, uh...

Like, what a super, like, low-key,

nobody got hurt, really just lovely mugging.

And, uh...

And I call, the next morning I called my girlfriend,

and I was like, "Uh, so last night,

at three in the morning, I was mugged

by the Mexican police,

with Michael Stipe,

and they stole, uh, a hundred dollars."

And then she just kind of pauses and goes,

"That story sounds like it's worth about a hundred dollars."

-Fair enough. -[applause]

So last summer, uh,

I went to Portsmouth, New Hampshire

with my girlfriend, we went, uh,

it's a lovely sort of seaside town.

And we went and we rented a car

and we parked it in a parking garage

and we got a little ticket that you put in the dashboard

and we did everything. We walked around,

and then when we got back to the car,

I saw there was a ticket on the windshield.

And I was like, "What?" How could I have...

...parked wrong? Like, I was so baffled.

I was like, "What could this possibly be for?"

And I looked at the ticket,

that I got there, and the violation was

"parked in wrong direction."

Agreed.

So... so we had backed... we had backed the car up,

uh, into the spot, which apparently in New Hampshire

is quite illegal.

Um, and I looked at, like, the thing that we put

in the dashboard to see if there was any way

we could have known this, and the ticket says,

"This ticket permits you to park in accordance

with the regulations."

I think we all know what those are.

Who doesn't know the regulations in Portsmouth, New Hampshire?

"This ticket must be displayed clearly

on your vehicle dashboard and the vehicle parked correctly."

Two opportunities to say, like...

They mean don't back up into a spot,

'cause nobody would park across three spots,

spray paint "fuck you" on it and walk away.

So they literally mean "don't back up."

But they don't say it twice.

I, uh, I became furious.

The ticket was for $15. I paid it right away. Uh...

But I was, like, "These people are thieves.

They're criminals." I was so mad at them.

'Cause there'd be no way to know this law.

And I was like, I wonder how I could let

Portsmouth know how disappointed

I am in them.

And so we had spent the day walking around

using this lovely harbor guide.

Uh, full of, you know, ads for seafood places,

and whatnot, and I was like, "Maybe I can take out

a full page ad with a letter

to them that would be there for the year."

So this is run by the Chamber of Commerce,

and I reached out to them and I was like, "I'd love to take out

a full page ad, it's about, uh, it's a letter to your city

about a ticket I got." And they were literally like,

"Yes, let's do it."

In the email: hashtag "fearless."

They were like, "We'll publish your letter."

I sent them the letter,

next day, "Hey, uh,

we can't publish... We're...

We'll lose all the other advertising."

I was like, "Ah! But I really want to let everybody know."

So there's another independent guide that's much bigger,

that's distributed there.

Uh, their summer guide. It's all...

Both are like for, like the run of the year.

Like, they're all summer. It's like for the whole time.

And I emailed them and I was like, "Will you run my letter

to your city about how mad I am at the parking there?"

And they were like, "Yes."

So this summer there will be a full page ad,

along with restaurant recommendations,

of why I am mad at the city of Portsmouth.

And this is the letter that will be a full page ad

for the entire summer.

As people are like, "Ooh, that looks like a good lobster place.

Ooh, this comedian is quite mad about a ticket.

He's willing to pay a hundred times that ticket..."

Anyway, here's the letter that will run.

"Dear Portsmouth, New Hampshire, and especially

the Parking Clerk's Office,

last June I had a wonderful day walking around

in your historic downtown with my girlfriend.

I bought two puppets, who turned out to be gay.

Just kidding. They're puppets.

We stopped in cute shops, ate a popover,

and saw black David Cross.

It was nice.

Then when we returned to our car,

on my windshield was a ticket.

What could this possibly be for, I thought.

I paid for three hours of parking,

but only used two. You're welcome, Portsmouth.

Is it a crime in Portsmouth to not use all the parking

you bought?

How do you know I'd be back early?

Do you have a pre-crime division?

Why are your pre-cogs working on traffic tickets?

Shouldn't they be out preventing street performers

before they happen?

But no, I read the violation. We backed into a spot

and were fined $15 for being 'parked in the wrong direction.'

What kind of a horseshit charge is that?

It's illegal to back into a spot?

Before I embarrass myself, I just want to make sure

that Portsmouth is still inside the United States,

and not considered a part of Iran!

You're probably thinking, 'Well, if before visiting

Portsmouth, like everyone else, you'd simply first gone

to the city clerk's office website,

clicked on City of Portsmouth ordinances,

and looked in chapter seven, vehicles, traffic and parking,

right there in section 7.316,

back to curb. It says no vehicle shall remain backed up

to the curb.' This is factually accurate information.

Similarly, if you had gone to my website

before I came to your city and clicked on Eugene's ordinances,

you'd know that in chapter one under 'Fuck you,

don't steal my money...'

...in section 8.215 it says,

'Fuck you, don't steal my money!'"

-[applause] -Thanks.

"But even if I had gone to your website,

it states that the online ordinances

are not an official copy.

That for the official ordinances,

I have to call 610-7245.

Why no area code?

Am I calling from a local land line in 1986?

But instead I foolishly looked around for signs,

both real and from God.

I saw nothing.

But I heard God's voice and he said,

'This is fucking bullshit.

You need to write them a letter.'

Lastly, as you know, New Hampshire's state motto

is General John Stark's celebrated quote,

'Live free or die.'

Which he famously said before attempting

the first recorded self BJ.

If John Stark was alive today,

he would be 287 years old.

Also, right after learning about cars,

General Stark would then be disgusted

to discover Portsmouth doesn't even give people

the freedom to back into a spot.

Which, by your own state's twisted logic,

turns my $15 ticket

into a fight to the death!

With great disappointment, Eugene Mirman."

-[applause, cheering] -Thanks.

Um, any questions still?

[man] How much did it cost?

How much did it cost?

Uh... I think it was...

That's funny, 'cause I'm just trying to figure out the exact--

It was like $1560 or so.

[laughter]

Is that... is that a lot or a little?

-'Cause... -[man] This is a free show.

-Say it again. -[man] This is a free show.

Yeah, but when it gets on television,

I'll definitely make at least $1500, so...

-[applause] -I'll break even.

You would be shocked at the number of things I do

where I'm like, "Oh, I guess it'll break even."

Um, yeah, no, I guess that's... I don't know.

To make fun of a city for a whole summer?

And really not even the city, they're partly--

The funny thing is, is I was... So I was...

I think I just forgot to mention,

I was there one week ago today.

And I did this bit and then that's how, like,

I got in touch with everybody to get these ads

in their papers, and they had had...

Parking is their, like, that's their number one battle.

Like, you know how some places are mad at taxes or marriage?

New Hampshire only argues about parking.

They get their cars, like, booted for $5 tickets.

I didn't know. I had struck a chord that goes...

...that is as important, like, the way abortion is some places,

they're like, "You can't park in the what?"

They don't care about nothing but parking.

Um... [laughs]

Anyway, it was totally worth it.

I was so excited to... I knew that the other people

would never let me run the ad, though they wrote me "fearless."

And I was like, "Hey, can I pay for this now?"

Like, I wanted to like definitely...

Anyway, it's good. Great part, great...

If... you know, if you don't know anything about standup,

always end a bit that does well with just a ramble-y thing

that kind of... kind of goes to nowhere.

But is mildly informative.

So, uh, so there's a Whole Foods

that opened by my house a little while ago.

And when a Whole Foods opens,

they really try to ingratiate themselves on the community,

and they, you know, source locally and all that.

But they also try to really get in with artists

and various other sort of things.

And one of the things they kept talking about

is how they were gonna display the artwork of local artists

and have all these artist events.

And I don't paint,

but then when I saw that, I was like,

"I paint."

And I became obsessed with having a gallery show

at Whole Foods.

And so I made a bunch of paintings that I believe

are quite locally themed, and, uh...

And then even I got to do it on Seth Meyers,

where I was like, "Here are some paintings.

I'd love to display them at Whole Foods."

And then Whole Foods very begrudgingly was like,

"Yeah, let's talk about it."

And then set a meeting that never quite happened,

but I have not given up. My paintings...

I only want to display them at Whole Foods.

I don't want to be displayed-- I don't want-- That's...

That's my, that's where my art lives.

So I made a bunch of paintings and I want to show them to you,

-uh, and get them... -[cheering, applause]

So each painting has a title...

...that I believe is inspired by, you know,

where I live and who I am.

This is called, uh,

"Gender Neutral Child Learning About the Conflict in Syria."

This is, uh,

"Curly-Haired 38-Year-Old with Several Gay Friends

Ordering Kale."

"Couple Under a Tree Wishing

They Were Biracial."

"Two Bearded Authors

Arguing About Whose Childhood Was Worse."

"Mother Breastfeeding a Roof Goat

Because it is Her Right."

-Thank you. -[applause]

I could really see that right by the broccoli rabe.

And then lastly,

"Vegan On His Way to the Complain Store."

-Thanks. -[cheering, applause]

So, uh, I want to do one final thing.

And, um, I, uh...

So I filled out a thing online

where I became a minister

and can marry people,

in 40 of the 50 states.

I don't know which 40, but chances are...

...this is one of them because that's how chances work.

So I'm wondering if there's a couple here

that's been in a relationship for a long time,

and would like, uh, me to marry them onstage.

[scattered cheering]

You guys would? Who else?

Are you guys... are you... How long have you been

-in a relationship? -A bit over a year.

-A bit over a year? -[laughter]

How serious are you guys?

What are you gonna say?

It would be really funny if you were like, "I don't know

we're going through a rough thing. I'd really...

Like, I love hooking up with strangers at McDonald's.

But I do also really love her, so..."

Uh, all right, if you guys are serious,

you seem both... you seem shy in a way

that this will be good, and you seem, uh, intelligent.

Let's do this. You seem nice.

-You have a great look. -[cheering]

Let's get them some microphones.

Normally...

This is probably the first time I married a couple

that have been together for only a year.

But I will say this: you seem genuinely in love

-and genuinely anxious. -[laughter]

Um, so here, we've marked... Here, come over here.

There's little "x's" right there.

Each of you can stand on them.

We knew we were gonna marry someone,

we just didn't know who they'd be.

Oh, you wore flip-flops to your wedding. Wow.

Okay.

All right. Well... What are your names?

-Sasha. -Sasha? Okay.

-Logan. -Logan and Sasha.

Shouldn't you be living in Brooklyn?

Great. Um, all right. So this is gonna be

in the classic "I do" format, where I'll say a vow

and you just say "I do."

Great.

I like that you're holding hands.

[woman in audience] Aww.

You're both, uh, what do you guys do for... for a living?

We're both illustration students.

Both illustration students? Oh.

-Art school. -And you agree? Okay. He agrees.

That is...

You answered that adorably terrified.

All right. There is...

I would put it at 15 percent chance

that this is legally binding.

Once they told me that I was... could do it,

I was sort of like, great. Never looked into the details.

Let's do this, Logan and Sasha.

Is it like owning

-part of the moon? -Say it again?

It's like owning part of the moon.

It's like owning part

of the moon? What was...

It's like you're not really sure if it's legal to do that.

Oh, yeah.

[laughter, applause]

I would say that this is more legal than if you bought

-some of the moon. -All right.

-Like on a scale of one... -I would say if you own

a little of the moon, you don't own any of the moon.

Oh, okay.

-There goes... -But I like that you make

fast tangential connections.

You couldn't tell me what you did,

but when it came time for a moon joke,

you were right there.

All right.

Let's do this, Logan, Sasha.

Let's get married.

All right. Dear friends and family,

we are gathered here to witness,

like a car accident...

...the union of Sasha and Logan,

who probably love each other very much.

In the years they've been together, their love has grown,

like a teenager's boner.

Confused but excited because of something on the ground

that reminded him of breasts.

All right, Logan.

This is the first vow.

You can just say "I do."

I promise to love you for a very, very long time.

-I do. -Great.

Sasha. I promise to let you squeeze my breasts

in a way I don't really like but you seem to enjoy.

I do.

[cheering, applause]

Well, I see I've uncovered a layer of the onion

that is Logan.

All right, Logan?

I promise to ask your permission

before I do anything involving your butt.

-I do. -Great.

Modern man, totally with it.

Okay, Sasha. I promise to get mad at you

for no reason and then ask you to run errands for me.

-I do. -Good.

Logan, I promise to bottle up my feelings

and get mad at you for hiding things I've actually misplaced.

-I do. -Good.

Wow, it's like I live with you guys.

Okay, Sasha. I promise not to imagine

Ryan Gosling when we're making love,

or as Ryan would call it, "fucking."

-I do. -Great.

Not so hard for you.

All right. Logan.

I promise to love you forever and never ever

make a weird deal on a trade with someone to murder you!

-I do. -Great.

So far, you're making all the right choices.

Sasha. I promise to love you forever and share my thoughts

and feelings and never cut your penis off in your sleep.

-I do. -Great.

Sometimes people have trouble with that one.

You rightfully don't. All right. Last vow.

Do you both promise to build a future together

that will be unshakeable even by the anger

of the new gods and the old gods?!

-I do! -I do!

Great. You may now hug or kiss,

whatever you're comfortable with.

-[cheering, applause] -Yay! I now pronounce you

-husband and wife. -[cheering]

By all the power invested in me by the Internet!

Thank you very, very much. Thank you so much, Sasha.

Thank you very much, Logan.

You can give them...

Well, there you have it.

-[cheering] -Two young angels.

[applause]

Married. That's really, that's the show.

That's all of it, I marry people, that's the whole thing.

Thank you guys so very much. So fun.

Tucson, you're the most wonderful.

Thank you, everybody. Good night!

Bye-bye. Thank you.

[cheering, applause]

[playing upbeat melody]

-[all whooping, shouting] -[gunshots]

Well, let's go forward.

And, uh, lightly.

Let's see if we can't walk into a tree slowly.

-Okay, you're doing great-- -Duck forward, duck forward.

-Duck forward! -Duck forward.

Don't lean back, don't lean back.

-Come here. Lean towards me. -Oh!

-[Eugene laughing] Okay. -[man laughs]

-[both laughing] -You're doing great, Button.

Don't worry about it. I'm not mad at you.

But I definitely accidentally walked into a tree.

-But it's fine. -Well, I tried to pull you

-out of the tree. -I like that we're in a field,

and I walked into the only tree

in this field.