Original subtitles

GILES: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Anya, what's wrong with you?

First you give me this beautiful ring, and now I can't wear it in public.

-Don't you want to get married? -Yes.

Come on, Tara. I am so old enough to do research.

You do research now?

Wanna cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with it?

Why should I care about any of this?

Because they'll take you away.

I can't make you go to school,

and I won't be found fit to be your legal guardian.

Since you've been back, you haven't exactly been big

with the whole range of human emotions thing.

I know you never loved me, but you treat me like a man.

(chattering)

Um, everything on this table's half off, including the table.

Buy one eyeball, get the second one free.

Arrr! Careful, me mateys.

These be fireflies spat from a volcano

off the coast of Kathmandu.

Arrrg! You're not a real pirate.

Real pirates live on boats and don't look stupid.

(chuckles) Ah, a salty swabbie.

Maybe you be fishing for the taste of me hook!

Uh, hello, Ahab? A little help, please?

Arrrg! And help ye shall have. Arrrg!

So what are you supposed to be? An angel.

Oh. Shouldn't you have wings?

Oh, no. This is a special kind of angel called a "Charlie."

We don't have wings. We just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.

Where's your costume? (scoffs)

Like I'm six years old. Halloween is so lame.

But you get to dress up and play games.

Xander's gonna teach me a new one after work, called "Shiver Me Timbers."

Ever play? Uh, Dawn, Willow could use some help in Magical Texts.

(chuckles) I'm all over it.

How about you? Ever play "Shiver Me Timbers"?

I'm not really much for the timber. (chuckles)

I'm just saying you might want to rethink the stereotype

before someone turns you into a toad.

And while you're at it, why don't you try removing that broomstick from your--

Dawn.

Hey. Don't stop the invective on account of me.

If I see one more idiot that thinks witches are all hairy moles and rotten teeth--

Excuse me. Do you have any candy corn?

Oh! Look at you.

You are just the cutest thing.

-DAWN: But I thought you said-- -I know. But look.

With the hat and the--the wart.

Ah. Oh. Let's go fill your tummy up with sugary niblets, okay?

(sighs)

MAN: Where the unicorn is? Yeah. Grab it for me, would you?

ANYA: Buffy,

uh, we're running low on mandrake root.

Check the basement.

Don't blame me if we have this conversation over and over...

and over...

and over and over.

Oh!

Bell. Neck. Look into it.

Come with a nice leather collar, does it?

What are you doing lurking down here?

Came through the tunnels. Runnin' low on Berber weed.

Stir it in with the blood. Makes it all hot and spicy.

What? I was gonna pay for it.

I mean, no. I was gonna nick it, 'cause that's what I do.

I go where I please, and I take what I want. What's your excuse anyway?

I thought you had it to the brim with customer disservice.

One-time deal to help out. And I mean straight time.

No loop-da-loop, mummy hand repeat-o-vision.

Where's the mandrake root?

Um, here.

There are three to a jar.

Tend to go a bit wonky if you cram 'em too close. Thanks.

Feel like a bit of the rough-and-tumble?

What?

Me, you.

Patrolling. Hello?

Oh. Uh, I should stay.

Maybe tomorrow.

Hmm. It's not like I don't already have plans.

The Great Pumpkin is on in 20.

So much easier to talk to when he wanted to kill me.

(exhales)

(sighs) Oh! Go help Giles.

What happened to Xander?

He kept poking me with his hook. (bell dings)

I sent him to Charmed Objects. With luck, he'll poke the wrong one

and end up in an alternative dimension,

inhabited by a 50-foot Giles that squishes annoying, teeny pirates.

We've got a ton of bagging to do here.

A-Actually, Spike had a really good idea. You know, maybe I--I should patrol.

Buffy, you've been patrolling every night this week. Besides, it's Halloween.

It's the one time of the year the supernatural threats give it

a well-deserved rest-- as should you.

Yeah? What about costumes that take over your personality?

Or wee, little, Irish fear demony thingies?

Yes, well, if anything calamitous should happen,

history suggests it'll happen to one of us. Right. Exactly.

So, I should patrol to avoid any of that. And I'm bagging.

(humming Pop Goes The Weasel)

(giggling)

(continues)

(children chattering)

(continue)

* Happy Halloween

(girl giggling)

(chuckles)

Give you something... special this year.

Hmm. (humming)

Come again. (chuckles)

(sighs) In a zillion years.

Store go boom. Arrr.

That was the most incredible thing I have ever experienced.

Except for that. What you all did for me tonight,

the astounding heaps of money you helped me--

-(clears throat) -Us acquire.

All I can say is, I hope we make as much tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? -Oh, post holiday clearance.

The cornerstone of retail.

-(whines) -(all groan)

(groans)

Brooms all around then.

Or I could whip up a jaunty self-cleaning incantation.

It'll be like Fantasia.

We all know how splendidly that turned out for Mickey.

I think I'm a little more adept than a cartoon mouse.

And you have more fingers, which is good

'cause then there's no need to wear those big, white gloves to overcompensate.

You know, if you had a real peg leg,

you wouldn't just have a lame costume.

You'd actually be lame, which is completely different--

-You do this every night? -Every time I close out the cash register.

The dance of capitalist superiority.

I'm gonna marry that girl.

BUFFY: What?

She's 15 and my sister, so don't eve-- Oh.

Hey, everybody.

Can I, um...

Uh,

there's something Anya and I want to tell you.

Now?

Now.

We're getting married.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations.

WILLOW: That--That's--

Wow.

It's a big wow.

I-- I thought you were waiting for the right moment.

I did.

(sighs)

Here, have some money. (chuckles)

Did you know about this?

No. Unless I blocked it from my memory,

much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.

Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses?

So you don't have to see what we're doing? Tell no one.

(moaning softly) BUFFY: Giles, this is--

We have to do something.

And he said he couldn't imagine the rest of his life without me.

And then he gave me this. Which I'll be paying for the rest of my life.

Can I try it on? Oh, absolutely not.

Where I come from, this sort of thing requires much in the way of libation.

God save the queen.

Sorry we couldn't do the big fancy. You kind of caught us with our parties down.

Oh, that's okay. This is just the first premarital celebration.

There'll be lots more. With gifts.

Sure. Maybe we'll even have time to decorate for the next one.

Why wait? (speaking foreign language)

(chuckles)

This is so much better than the way it usually looks.

Thank you.

The grocery store is still open. We could have bought decorations there.

Why bother? These are perfect.

And extra biodegradabley. In a couple of hours-- poof.

No, they're-- they're great. It's just...

why use magic when you can do something naturally?

Well, you can fight monsters naturally... with sticks and stones.

Don't recommend it though.

That's different. How?

Becau-- Because you're protecting people,

keeping them from being hurt.

Which makes them happy, like pretty decorations made Anya happy.

(sighs) That's not the point, Wil.

Why are you being like this?

This isn't about me. This is so about you.

You're always coming down on me for-- for doing magic that couldn't harm a fly.

What's your problem? Willow, I j-just wish that you would stop

and think about what you're--

Sorry. Just checkin' on the chips.

It's okay. We're done.

You're getting married. You.

Me choking. Oh, sorry.

I just-- I can't believe it.

It seems like only yesterday you had to pay a girl to date you.

Like I'd ever pay-- (chuckles) Define "date."

I was only out of commission for three months.

How many other things have changed since I've been away?

Oh, I got a tattoo. What?

Which is why we told her no. Just a little one?

BUFFY: Over my dead body.

The kind that doesn't come back.

Fine.

Congratulations.

(chuckles) You're very lucky finding a guy like him.

Not as lucky as me.

-See you guys tomorrow? -Oh. "Tomorrow"?

Yeah. I'm sleeping over at Janice's. Remember?

That's tonight?

No. It's on the other Halloween.

Come on. You said I could.

Uh...

Well, I-- I know I did.

It's just, you know, now with Xander's party--

Oh, we're good, but you'll have to get us some extra gifts for our reception.

-Yes, please. -Uh, I-- I don't know. Giles?

Uh, it's really not up to me.

Come on. It's four blocks away. I'll walk straight over.

Not like I'm gonna be roaming the streets.

Please?

(bottle rattles)

Hello?

-Hey. -Oh.

-Perv. -Sorry. I thought--

(gasps) Hey, Summers.

Did you get over the wall okay? Yeah. My sister thinks I'm staying at your house.

Ah. The Mominator thinks I'm staying at yours.

I can't believe they fell for that one. Like, own a TV.

(chuckles) So where are we meeting?

The park.

That's where all the monsters gather on Halloween.

(heavy metal music plays) Whoo-hoo!

-Hey. Ow! -Oops.

Nice shot.

Hey, baby. Hey.

What took you so long? I had to stop for crimes and misdemeanors.

Zack, this is my friend Dawn I was telling you about.

Hello. Ow.

Hey. Justin.

I know. I've seen you around at a couple of parties.

I've seen you. too.

Hey. We'll catch you guys later.

Alone at last.

So, what do you guys want to do?

Yeah! Three points! Whoo!

(air hissing) Witches don't really look like that.

-You got a lot of witch friends? -Uh, no.

I mean from stuff that I've read and stuff.

Um, some of them are supposed to be really pretty, and you don't want to get them mad.

New target. Come on. Whoo-hoo!

(sighs) So?

He's okay. (scoffs) Ho hum okay,

or, like, "Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna pee my pants" okay?

Pee.

So what's the verdict, Captain?

(in baby voice) Is little Justin in love?

I don't know. She's cute.

Well, congratulations for having eyeballs.

What about, uh, you know,

goin' all the way? (giggling)

Do you think that, uh, that the moon and the stars look lovely tonight?

Hey, you think when we're done with this juvie crap maybe we can do something else?

I'm getting kind of bored.

Just one more.

Anya is a wonderful former vengeance demon.

I'm sure you'll spend many years of non-hell dimensional bliss.

Is she moving in with you? Uh--

You know, with your combined incomes, you might think about a down payment on a house.

Like the kind you live in? No rush.

Oh, I'm sure you'll have plenty to think about

with the arrangements for the wedding and such.

You've got the rest of your lives to plan the rest of your life.

(chuckles) Yeah, yeah.

JANICE: No way.

(scoffs) You know who lives there?

Old man Kaltenbach. Crusty old bastard.

Isn't he supposed to be mental or something?

Total loony tunes. Pumpkins.

ZACK: Very dangerous.

You go first. Wha-- (chuckles nervously)

Screw that. Oh, come on. Show us how brave you are.

See those cute, little girlie guts.

Hey, lay off, man. If she doesn't want to--

I'll do it. Go, Dawn.

Look, you don't have to do this.

It's okay. I want to.

(gasps)

Shouldn't ought to mess with those.

Sometimes they bite.

Get away from her. Don't make me go kung fu on you, man.

Come on inside, kids. Got somethin' special for ya.

Daddy's got a treat.

Cool. No, no, no.

We are so not going in there.

Dawn, tell them.

Dude, where'd you get the cool toys?

Used to design 'em back in '58.

Nothin' would give me more pleasure...

than to see a child's face

light up when he'd open one of mine...

on a Christmas or a birthday.

I was good.

Jeepers. I was the best.

And then that thing happened.

One little mistake,

and they took it all away from me.

They--

They took my toys.

Time for the treats.

Who wants to help Daddy in the kitchen?

How about you, Sally?

Uh, Sally's not much for the cooking. Why don't I give you a hand?

Hands are good.

Always use more hands.

More hands.

(Kaltenbach humming Pop Goes the Weasel)

Okay, I say we get the funk out of here

before "Satan" Claus tries to stuff us up the chimney.

(Pop Goes the Weasel playing) What, and miss the big treat?

That'll break the old guy's "wittle" heart, assuming it's still beating.

She's right. We should just get Justin and go.

Come on. The dude's 1,000 years old.

What's he gonna do? Drown us in his drool cup? (continues)

(stops) Hey. Where's its head?

Boo. (snarls)

(whimpers)

(clattering) What the hell was that?

Justin?

Justin?

-(door opens) -(gasps)

-Let's go. -What happened?

I swiped his wallet when he wasn't looking. Come on.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

(sighs) Dude, that guy was rank.

I bet a spritz of Dawn will wash that right out.

So what do you think? Lunchables?

Or should we go all the way and turn 'em? (girls giggling)

So, I was thinking maybe a June wedding,

but then I remembered that they always had

the highest percentage of calls for vengeance.

So now I'm leaning towards as soon as damn possible.

I mean, mortal life being so short,

we gotta cram in as much marital bliss as we can

before we wither and die.

I mean, there's just so much to consider, though.

I mean, planning the wedding and new cars, a house and babies.

I mean, you have to plan for babies,

otherwise they'll just run roughshod over your entire existence.

Yeah. You-- You gotta know what to call them before they hit college.

Ah. Rupert is an exceptionally strong name.

Yeah. If we want our progeny to eat paste and have their lunch money stolen.

Hmm.

Look, all that matters is that they're happy.

Everything else is thick gravy goodness.

I know. I mean, I am the luckiest ex-demon in the world.

I mean, to be able to find the one person

in-in all dimensions that I was meant to be with

and-- and have everything work out exactly as I dreamed.

I mean, how often does the universe allow that to happen?

Air. Sweet mother oxygen.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I just--

It's just I-- I didn't think it'd be so much.

But this is good.

I mean, this is love and celebration

and moving forward.

Anya's right. This is the way life's supposed to work out.

Right. Deep pools of ooey delight.

(chuckles) I'm wallowing, not drowning.

Definite wallow action.

Okay. So, once more into the breach?

Oh. I think my breaches are wearing a little thin.

I'm gonna take Spike up on that offer to patrol.

Gotta be somethin' out there cruisin' for a smack-down.

So, you're, like, what, a sophomore?

(chuckles) I wish. Oh, freshman.

Yep. Way down there at the bottom of the rung.

Hmm. Actually, kind of under those little rubber feet that keep the ladder steady.

Hey, those are important.

Here. Spoils of war. You earned it.

I did? Yeah, for keeping me steady.

And so begins her life of crime.

Hmm. You're a little late.

I steal all the time. Really?

Totally. I haven't paid for lipstick since... forever.

Oh, be still, my heart. Cute and bad.

Yeah. Bad to the bone. (chuckles)

More like frozen. Here.

Thanks. My pleasure, Miss Summers.

Hey. Where's Zack?

He went to get the car.

You guys got a car?

Thanks for the ride.

(clattering, giggling)

(siren wailing)

MAN: You got the stretcher? MAN 2: Yep. Watch your back.

Coming through. MAN 1: All right. Let's go.

I'm losing her pulse.

MAN 1: Let's get her in.

(ringing)

Summers residence.

Oh. Mrs. Penshaw. Yeah.

No, Dawn said she was staying the night at your house.

Well, ye-- yes, I realize that now, but I don't believe that you called to check--

No, all right. Let's just, um--

Okay, if I-- if I hear anything I'll let you know.

(R&B music playing)

(woman vocalizing) * Yeah

* You're the one that got that something *

-* You're the one that got that something * -(stops)

Hey, we were just getting our dance on.

That was Janice's mother on the telephone.

Apparently Janice said that she was staying here the night.

Ah. Dipping into the classics. You gotta respect that.

Is Buffy still outside? Uh, no, no.

She was getting antsy. She went to go find Spike to patrol.

It's always nice to be kept in the loop. Um,

Xander, Anya, you stay here in case Mrs. Penshaw calls again.

Willow, Tara, you check downtown.

I'll, uh, swing by Spike's, see if I can catch Buffy.

(giggling) Oh.

Don't do nothing I would, dude.

Mmm.

You're it.

I love it when they run.

So...

Yeah.

Ooh. It's cold.

You okay? You want this back?

Nah.

Cold doesn't really bother me.

What are you, Superman? (chuckles)

No, but I do have a few special powers.

Hey. Um,

does this work?

You gotta turn the ignition.

Oh. (ballad on radio)

* Got me goin' on

I love this one. * Again

Yeah. Another thing we have in common.

* Around my smile

* And I got a thoughtless feeling *

(breathing erratically) You're shaking.

* Inside It's cold.

You want to go?

N-No. It's just, um,

what do you expect-- Shh.

I just want to taste you.

* I've got it goin' on

* Got me goin' on again

* Around my smile Shiver me timbers.

What?

Um, nothing. Just... wow.

Oh, my God. That was your first.

Wh-What? No.

It was. That was your first kiss.

Uh-- (chuckles) I've been kissed before.

I-- I kiss all the time. Not that I'm a kiss slut.

Just, you know, with-- with the lips and--and the pressing together and stuff,

hey, expert here.

Okay, okay. It was my first kiss.

I know, I know. I suck. My--

My lips are dry and my tongue's all horrible and sticky,

and I'm pretty sure I drooled on you.

So just please tell me how awful it was.

* I've got it goin'

It was perfect.

* I've got it goin' on

* I'm giving cheers to you

* Conversation

* Use up again

* Well, there's nothing I can defend *

* You just simply don't understand *

* Anyway

Do they know they're brother and sister?

Do you think she's here?

What?

Do you think Dawn might have come here?

It's where I'd be if I were 15 and on the lam.

Really?

Well, not me at 15, 'cause, hello, spaz.

You? Yeah. Hard to believe

such a hot mama yamma came from humble, geek-infested roots.

"Infested roots." Trying to turn me on?

I have to try now?

Come on. Let's look over here.

Do you see her?

No, there's too many people.

Maybe we could ask security to--

No. That'll take too long.

One among many, many fade to one.

What are you doing? Wil. I'm just gonna clear the crowd.

How?

I'll just shift everyone who isn't a 15-year-old girl into an alternate dimension.

What?

No, it'll be for like a fraction of a second. They won't even notice.

Wil, no, you can't.

Why?

Wh-- What if something went wrong?

Well, it won't.

But wh-what would Giles say?

(speaks foreign word)

-(room falls silent) -Are you taking his side now?

(sighs) This isn't about sides.

You two have been talking about me behind my back.

No. God. You know how that makes me feel?

Willow, you are using too much magic.

What do you want me to do? Just-- Just sit back and keep my mouth shut?

Well, that'd be a good start.

If I didn't love you so damn much, I would.

(speaks foreign word)

-(sound resumes) -Tara.

* To go away

* Doo, doo, doo-doo

* I've started to see you clearly today *

(moans)

(moans)

* If you really loved me

Ow. * You know you'd stay

Sorry.

It's okay.

As long as it's not bleeding.

Justin. Could we--

It's just...

God, you are so beautiful.

* To keep me smiling

* Looks like the night has come to an end *

* And yet the sun is shining *

* I know you start with

Get your gear together. We need to--

Spike?

You know, in civilized cultures that's called trespassing.

Good thing you're uncivilized. (chuckles)

We've got trouble. Giles found you?

Giles? No. Was he looking for me? Yeah, it's Dawn.

Dawn? Wh-What happened?

No, it's okay. Giles was by here earlier looking for you.

Dawn and her little friend pulled a Houdini.

Up to a bit of candy-corn mischief, I suspect.

Wait. She's out there running around by herself?

Yeah, kids these days, eh?

I did a sweep of the tunnels. Giles is pokin' about the cemetery.

(sighs) We have to find her. I don't think she's in there.

Mist, cemetery,

Halloween.

This should end well. (groans)

Bloody brilliant.

(girl screaming)

Dawn! (grunts)

Dawn, are you all right?

Janice? He bit me.

-That jerk bit me. -Like you weren't asking for it.

I feel certain she wasn't.

What do you know about it, grandpa?

-(snarls) -Quite a bit, actually.

(growls)

(groaning)

(groans)

Dude, that sucks.

(panting) Dawn. Where's Dawn?

Get off me! Dawn, wait. Wait.

Look, I thought we could, you know, like, hang out or something.

Hang out? Yeah.

I mean, you're not like other girls. You're different.

There's something special about you.

I knew it the first time I saw you.

I just want to be close to you. (gasps)

Shh.

It's okay. It'll only hurt for a second.

I'll bet you say that to all the girls.

Giles? (gasps)

Now, you have a choice, son.

We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the har--

(all growling)

What were my choices again?

(growling)

So, this a private game,

or, uh, can anyone join in?

Dawn, are you--

Were you parking with a vamp?

I-- I didn't know he was dead. Living dead.

-Shut up. -How could you not know?

-I just met him. -Oh. Oh, so you were

parking in the woods with a boy you just met.

We've seen each other at parties.

Shut up. I don't believe you.

Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?

That was different.

It always is when it's you.

Uh, excuse me. Can we fight now?

Hey, didn't anyone come here to just make out?

Aw, that's sweet. You run.

You scream.

(snarling, grunting)

(grunting, yelling)

Die, Slayer.

Mm-hmm.

Your sister's the Slayer? I totally get it.

I knew there was something about you.

(groans)

Giles!

-(snarling) -(groans)

What is your malfunction, man?

It's Halloween, you nit. We take the night off.

Those are the rules. Me and mine don't follow no stinkin' rules.

We're rebels.

No. I'm a rebel.

You're an idiot.

Give the lot of us a bad name.

(growls)

-(light thud) -(gasps)

(rustling)

Trick or treat. (screams)

Give me somethin' good to eat.

(breathing erratically) I thought you really liked me.

I do.

And you like me, too.

I do.

-(thud) -(groans)

Sorry about the party. Ah, don't worry about it.

It gave me more time to plan the bridal shower.

Uh, where do we order obscenely muscular male strippers?

Anya. I'm kidding. Geez.

(whispers) We'll talk. I guess I should bugger off.

Something about big bads not venturing far from the crypts on Halloween.

-Good fight. -So, uh, big monster bashing?

Sorry we missed it.

As long as Dawn's all right.

Yeah, that's what's-- I-- I think I'm gonna turn in. Good night.

Tara. Tara.

How's your face?

Oh, still ruggedly handsome. "Grandpa" indeed. Ow.

She's taking it pretty hard.

Well, it's not surprising. Still, we can't ignore this kind of behavior.

Something needs to be done before it spins out of control.

You're right. I'm glad you're here to take care of it.

Don't be too hard on her, okay?

We need to have a conversation.

This the part where you tell me you're not angry?

Just disappointed?

Pretty much. Except for the bit about not being angry.

I'm-- I'm sorry, okay?

It's not that easy.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Reverse time and take it back? (chuckles) 'Cause I could probably--

A joke. I don't think I could really--

You know what? Can-- Can we not do this now?

I'm tired.

Okay.

Let's just forget it ever happened.

Forget.

Ooh. Your feet are cold.

Better warm me up. Mmm.

This is how every day should always end

and start and all the stuff in the middle.

So, uh, you're not mad?

About what?

Grr! Arrgh!