Original subtitles

.

- Listen up, everyone. We had a murder this morning.

The vic was found at 8:45 by a dog walker

who let herself into his apartment--

- Oh, my God, it's Franzia!

This is the work of Johnny Franzia, my white whale.

He's finally resurfaced.

- Not this again. - Yes, this again.

Johnny Franzia has been on a murder spree

for the past ten years,

and every time he kills someone, he taunts me.

Look, there's a deck of cards.

- You say that whenever there's cards at a crime scene.

You know how many people own cards, Jake?

- Then explain this.

Johnny Franzia's catchphrase is "deuces are wild."

Now look around the apartment.

Two chairs, two paintings, two pillows.

- There are three lamps.

- You think Franzia gives a damn about lamps?

You sound so dumb right now.

This is why you don't have an arch nemesis, Terry,

because you focus on all the wrong details.

- Maybe I don't have an arch nemesis

because I solve all my crimes.

- That's a pretty [bleep]-up thing to say to me.

[upbeat music]

♪

- You wanted to see us, Captain?

- I'm giving the murder to someone else.

- What?

You're taking me off the Franzia case?

My God, he got to you, didn't he?

- I assure you, he did not.

I had never heard of Johnny Franzia before today.

- Well, it was mostly before you arrived.

Actually, you're entire first year here

I was convinced you were Franzia,

which I now realize is completely ridiculous.

Or is it?

- I have no investment in this backstory.

- Right. - I'm taking you off the case

because you both asked

for reduced hours to focus on childcare,

and Santiago has her big presentation this week.

If our pilot program to reimagine

how uniformed officers are deployed gets funded,

it will represent a significant reform for the NYPD.

- Sir, we can take care of Mac and still do both of our jobs.

Trust me, we've got this whole parenting thing figured out.

- It's true. We're great, and Mac is great.

I mean, the only teeny-tiny issue

is that he isn't pulling himself up yet,

but the window for that is 9 to 12 months.

So the fact that he's 10 months old and isn't doing it yet

doesn't mean that we're bad parents.

And I was reading that Simone Biles

went straight from crawling to walking.

So, yeah, I guess I should be "concerned"

that my son is on the same track

as a multiple gold medal winner.

I mean, get real, sir.

[laughs]

- So, yeah, Mac's having a little trouble pulling up,

but did that convince you to give us more responsibility?

- Look, if you promise you can handle it,

I'll put you back on the John Franzo case.

- Franzia. Johnny Franzia.

How could you forget that? Unless...

- Get out. - You got it.

- Thank you for letting me stay with you, Diaz.

I am sorry for imposing.

I assumed I'd be back with Kevin by now.

- Oh, couple's therapy isn't going well?

- Well, we're not back together,

even after three full sessions.

That's three hours,

more if you include travel time.

- Why would I include travel time?

- It's a longer drive for me than for Kevin,

so I'm putting in more effort.

- Hmm, I wonder why it's not going well.

- Well, Kevin says it's because all I care about is work.

But if that's true, why did I leave work

13 minutes early today to move in with you?

- Well, you can stay as long as you like.

You're quiet, you're neat. You're the perfect roommate.

- I think Kevin would disagree.

He told Dr. Cheryl I'm a sore loser at Scrabble.

How would he know that when I win 78% of our matches?

- Wow, you're a lot chattier than I remember you being.

- Oh, sorry. I promise--

I won't obsess about Kevin the whole time I'm here.

- Okay. Great.

- Although I may break that promise,

because according to Kevin, I'm a liar.

- Ah, damn it, two of clubs is blank.

That's not like him. So what are we missing here?

Two chairs, two paintings. Oh, my God, the lamps.

- But you told Terry

that Franzia didn't care about lamps.

- No, he loves lamps.

I was just feeling attacked, so I lashed out,

but why three identical lamps instead of two?

Because they're not actually identical.

The shade on this one is darker, and...

- Ooh! - It's a blacklight.

Yes, frickin' two of clubs.

Turn off the overheads.

[gasps] Franzia!

- Hey, so don't freak out,

but apparently there are several other groups

presenting reform proposals to One Police Plaza,

and only one will get funding.

- Why would that make me freak out?

- Because you can be a little competitive.

- [scoffs] That's not true.

No one is less competitive than me.

No one.

- Anyway, uh, here's who you're up against.

- Alan Peters. Dud.

Mike Lynch. Dud.

Tad Green. Dud!

[gasps] Austin Grant.

- Who's Austin Grant? Not a dud?

- Oh, he's a dud, but he's a hot dud.

He's a "hud."

He gets everything handed to him

because he looks so good in a uniform.

Ugh, and he's pitching

predictive algorithmic policing.

That's just high-tech racial profiling.

- Okay, look, if this guy is style over substance,

we just need to give you some style.

Check this out.

Tiny Terry won the Little Mister Michigan pageant.

- You just happen to have a video of yourself

as a seven-year-old on your phone?

- Big Terry's proud of Tiny Terry.

Look, the point is, I can help you.

- Terry! Terry!

It's him. It's really Franzia.

Don't ask how I know

'cause it has nothing to do with lamps.

- Jake, what are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

both: You're supposed to be getting Mac from day care!

- [grunts]

He's finally down.

Did you miss anything important with your case?

- Yes, because jokers are wild,

Charles went to the "Joker" stairs, and there was graffiti

of the victim's name written on a bus stop.

So Charles got on the bus, took it to the end of the line,

where there was a payphone ringing.

He picked it up, and there was a voice on the other end

that told him a riddle.

- What was the riddle? - I don't know.

He had to go before he could tell me because he noticed

that his kitchen window was mysteriously unlocked.

Stupid Franzia is probably in his house right now

trying to murder him and his family.

- At least he's not here trying to murder me and Mac.

- I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, Ames,

but we both know you're grasping at straws.

[cell phone buzzes] [groans] Thank God.

Charles is fine. Nobody in the house.

I would have been so jealous.

- I'm sorry, babe.

I'd say I'd take over Mac stuff for the week,

but I have to rewrite my whole presentation to be snappier,

and, also, according to Terry, I need to learn

how to walk with my shoulders and not my feet.

- It's okay. What you're doing is super important.

I'll just scale back

and let Charles run point on the Franzia case.

- No. None of us are scaling back.

We can be good parents without sacrificing our careers.

We just have to work as a team.

- You know what? Yes, you're right.

[cell phone chimes] We got this.

All we need is each other.

- There's been a lice outbreak at day care,

and they're closing for the next two days.

- What? No!

We need so much more than each other.

.

- Ugh, damn it.

none of our regular babysitters are available,

and my parents are out of town, and my brother David can't help

because he's in Sudan digging wells

for somebody or something-- I don't know, I hung up on him.

- My dad's out, too.

That's all he said, didn't give a reason.

Wait, I've got it.

Let's just let Mac watch TV all day.

- Jake, we've talked about this.

No screen time for Mac until he turns two.

Ugh.

All this stress is making my head itch.

- Yeah, it's weird--I've actually been itching myself.

- [gasps] No! Lice! Scratching it makes it worse.

- Is that true? - I don't know.

We don't have time to know what's true.

- Okay, okay, let's just stay calm.

When I had lice in the fifth grade,

my mom put a bunch of maple syrup in my hair,

and it smothered them to death, it was actually kind of cool.

You can hear their tiny screams.

- No, that's an old home remedy,

and day care actually recommends

a place where you go, and they comb the lice out for you.

I bet we'll be in and out in 20 minutes.

Six hours? Who has that kind of time?

[sighs]

- So now what? - [sighs]

- I mean, I guess there is one last option.

- Please don't say it.

- It worked for me in fifth grade.

- I really don't want to.

- It is kind of cool to hear the screaming.

- Okay, fine, we'll do the syrup.

- We're gonna do the syrup!

[Skid Row's "Monkey Business"]

- ♪ Come on

♪ Oh

- Oh, Amy, what is that enchanting new perfume?

- It's syrup, Scully.

- And it is working. Hmm-hmm.

- I think you just made Scully horny.

- Ugh.

- And then he called her Cheryl,

not Dr. Cheryl,

a clear attempt to delegitimize her.

Obviously, I agree, she has zero legitimacy.

I mean, she calls herself Dr. Cheryl.

Then Kevin brings up how Cheddar's French comprehension

has regressed.

Cheddar's tutor says

it's because we're not speaking enough at home.

The worst part is we used to share socks.

With an odd number, that was a tense negotiation.

- Enough!

All you do is talk about Kevin. This needs to stop.

- I'm sorry-- I wish I could stop thinking

about him, but he was my husband for 20 years.

If you know how I could just erase him from my memory,

I'd love to hear it.

- We could get really drunk.

- Yes, let's try that.

- Jake, Jake, Franzia was in my house.

I didn't see anything last night,

but when I showered this morning,

a new riddle appeared in the steam on the mirror.

- Oh, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool.

I also saw a riddle while showering.

- But we didn't shower this morning.

- No, I know, it's just Charles and I have this agreement

that when I miss something important on the case,

he pretends like I'm still involved--it's normal.

Anyways, I'm sure our shower riddles were the same.

- No, I'm sure yours was better.

- Well, just to be sure, why don't you text me yours,

and I'll make sure it's the same as mine,

and then we can decode it together

after Ames and I find a sitter. - Great.

- Ooh, we already have three applicants.

- Great. Hire them.

- I think we should interview them first.

- But what if they're bad?

- This really feels like fate

because I was arrested in this precinct

literally a year ago to the day.

- Here, I brought a toy for the little guy.

- Oh, thanks. That's very nice of you.

- He's so soft.

Your son's really gonna enjoy cuddling him.

Want to see me cuddle him? I love cuddling.

- Well, this went south very quickly.

- I consider myself a bit of a Mary Poppins.

- Oh, how so?

- ♪ I'm your nanny, I'll slap your fanny ♪

♪ Slap, slap, slap

♪ Your fat little fanny

- Yeah, it's gonna be a no.

[sighs] I got to get back to Franzia,

so feels like we should go with the cuddler.

- No, as much as I want to work,

we can't leave our son with some weirdo.

- [sighs]

- Maybe we ask someone in the precinct?

- Everyone's working.

both: Not everyone.

- Sure, I'll watch Mac.

Don't worry, I've padded all the sharp edges in here.

- Wow. You already baby-proofed it?

- Ah, it's my nap room.

You can take a nap anywhere in here.

Every surface is like a bed.

both: Huh. - Works for us.

Okay. Sorry, the babysitter thing took a little longer

than I was expecting,

but I solved part of the riddle.

A cat has ten lives.

I think the lives are numbers.

- Wow, that's so smart.

I already solved the riddle. It's a phone number.

But you're here now. We can call together.

- Okay, yeah, I guess.

I mean, maybe he'll have

a cool scary modulated voice or something.

- Yeah, yeah. - All right.

[line trilling] - [distorted voice] Hello.

- Oh, my God, he does.

- You solved my riddle, Detective Boyle.

- And Detective Peralta!

I'm still on your tail, and your sick game is finally--

- Help! Help!

- Oh, seriously?

Uh, Franzia, I got to go real quick.

- What? You have to go?

- Boyle will explain, but I'm still on your tail.

And if you think the jokers are really wild--

- Jake!

- All right, I'm coming! Damn it!

- Jake!

- What happened? - Is Mac okay?

- Mac's fine. It's me.

There was one unpadded corner, and I stubbed my toe real bad.

Look.

- Ugh! - Oh, God!

- I'm sorry, I got to go to the hospital.

- Yeah, immediately, for so many reasons.

Come on. - Gosh.

- [sighs] Is he okay?

- He's fine.

- Ames, I'm sorry, but I think we're all out of babysitters.

- No. There is one option left.

- [gasps] His first screen time, this is amazing.

Which "Transformers" movie should he watch first?

There's an argument to be made for "Bumblebee,"

as it is a prequel.

- Jake. - All right, fine.

Just let it auto-play whatever garbage it wants, and let's go.

- Okay. Here you go, Mac.

Here you go.

[happy music playing on phone]

- [crying] [glass shatters]

- [clears throat]

Yeah, we deserve that.

- Oh, I am hungover. How you feeling?

- Not good at all.

You were supposed to watch out for me, Diaz.

- Good news is, the heavy drinking worked.

You didn't mention Kevin one time.

- Oh, that is an accomplishment.

Unfortunately, it appears

that I did think about him at least once last night.

- What do you mean?

- At 3:30 a.m., I seem to have sent Kevin...

A digital phallus portrait.

- A digital phallus portrait? What is that?

[gasps] Oh, no, you sent him a [bleep] pic.

.

[Mac crying] - Shh. Shh.

Please stop crying. I'm so tired.

- Maybe we'd all be better rested

if we hadn't woken up at 3:00 a.m.

- I'm sorry, I've never slept with syrup in my hair before.

I didn't know that was gonna happen.

- Ants! Ants in the bed!

- Who? - There's ants in the bed!

- There's ants! There's ants!

- My presentation is today,

and I am not showing up in a shower cap.

[sighs] What are we gonna do?

- There's only one thing left to do.

We're gonna blow-dry these sons of bitches straight to hell.

Got to say, worked great.

Although I guess my hair took it a little better than yours.

And why the glasses?

- Mac knocked my last contacts into the toilet

while I was blow-drying.

- Got to hand it to him, it's a solid prank.

Although I must say, this look kind of works for you.

- Jake, we don't have time for your nerd fetish.

We are so late.

- I know. You know what?

Let's not waste any more time looking for babysitters.

We'll just take Mac into work with us.

See, Ames, we got this.

- Yeah, this is not gonna be hard.

- You want to know why? 'Cause we're great parents.

In fact, we forgot Mac. We left our child inside.

- [gasps] Oh. - Uh, get the keys.

Okay, I'll take Mac first

so you can start practicing your presentation.

- Okay. - Jake, I think

I figured something out about the toolbox.

- Toolbox? - Franzia sent me a toolbox.

It turned out to be a puzzle. It was so boring.

- Charles, it wasn't boring. I know what you're doing.

Just tell me what happened. - Okay, so I ran it for prints.

And there was a partial on the wrench.

It belongs to a guy named Eric Marsh

who works as a handyman in the victim's building.

- We have to bring him in. - Already done.

He's in interrogation right now,

just waiting for you. - Oh--[sighs]

But I have Mac for the next hour.

I can't run an interrogation.

Unless...

- How did your prints end up on a wrench

that was sent to this police station?

- That wrench went missing two weeks ago.

I thought someone took it out of the back of my truck.

- Of course, that sounds...

- Totally reasonable, Eric.

- Or should I call you by your real name?

- Johnny Franzia.

- I don't know who that is.

- Uh-oh. Something stinks.

Something stinks real bad.

Did you poop? - No.

- You did. You pooped.

- Oh, God, it's everywhere.

- What did you eat, buddy?

- Today? I had some oatmeal.

- Here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna lie you down, I'm gonna take your pants off,

and I'm gonna wipe your little tushy.

- What is going on?

- I actually have the same question.

Hold on one second. Jake?

- Why did I send Kevin an obscene picture?

- Relax. It's not a big deal.

You were just flirting.

- No, if I were flirting, I would have sent him

a scatter plot of educational attainment

versus caloric intake in Jacobin France.

This is as if I've sent him a bar graph.

- Are bar graphs bad?

- It reduces robust data sets to a single point.

Get your head out of your ass!

I'm sorry--I'm just panicking,

thinking about what Kevin will do when he sees it.

- Wait, you don't think he's seen it yet?

- No, Kevin only checks his email

once a day at exactly 4:00 p.m.

- You didn't text it to him? - We're not teens.

- Let's delete it off his computer, then.

- Yes, that could work.

Kevin has virtual office hours at 2:00 p.m.

At the same time, Cheddar will be taking a French lesson

with his tutor, Monsieur Arnaud.

We only have one hourexactement.

Here is Kevin's laptop. - Great.

- "Dear Kevin, attached please find a picture of my penis.

Sincerely, Raymond Holt." Deleted.

- [barks]

- Cheddar! Non, s'il vous plait, non.

French class must have ended early.

- Shut up. - Shh.

- Hello? Is someone upstairs?

- ♪ Hello, Charles, fill me in ♪

♪ Any breaks in the case?

[whispering] If you sing everything as a lullaby,

Mac won't wake up.

- ♪ I understand

♪ The handyman has an alibi

♪ But I found something else

- You sound great. - [whispering] Thank you.

♪ The lab techs analyzed Franzia's phone call ♪

♪ There were two other voices

♪ In the background

- Oh, who's a good boy? Who wants another bite?

- [normal voice] Wait. Is that Scully feeding Mac?

Was Franzia inside the building?

- [normal voice] No, his voice is playing over a speaker

in the background.

Franzia must've bugged the precinct,

and he was listening to it when we called him.

[Mac crying] - Shh, shh.

- ♪ But why would he

♪ Bug Scully's nap closet?

- ♪ 'Cause he didn't bug the closet ♪

♪ He bugged something brought inside ♪

- [gasps] - ♪ Oh, my God, Franzia

♪ Was the weird babysitter

- ♪ He gave the bug right to you ♪

both: ♪ Son of a bitch

- Amy, we got to talk.

I just got a call from One Police Plaza.

They said they were trying to reach you all morning.

- Mac broke my phone. What do they want?

- They moved your presentation up.

You're on in 20 minutes!

- 20 minutes? - Amy!

We know where Franzia is. We're gonna go arrest him.

I need you to take Mac.

- No, you need to take Mac! I have to go right now.

- So do I! What do we do?

- I guess we could call that creepy babysitter

you liked so much. - The babysitter is Franzia!

- Even better! Two birds with one stone!

We bring him to you!

- We're not giving our baby to a serial killer!

- Oh, grow up! - Come on!

.

- Amy, if we miss this presentation,

that's the end of the pilot program!

- Jake, SWAT is on their way. We have to go to Franzia's now.

- This is our best chance at police reform!

- Franzia, Lieutenant, Franzia! - Reform, Boyle, Reform!

- Okay, enough!

Charles is right. Jake has waited years for this.

- No, he can make the arrest without me.

Without you, there is no presentation.

I'll take Mac.

- Are you sure? - Yes, absolutely.

All right, now go. Everyone, get out of here.

Come on.

- I love you. - Love you.

[sighs]

[quirky music]

- Oh, crap, there's Austin.

- Oh, damn, he is a "hud."

- Okay, okay. Let's just be cool.

- Yeah. - Here, hold my glasses.

Hey, Austin, long time no-- mm, see.

- Santiago, are you okay?

- [chuckles] Yeah, great. You look good.

- Thanks, I know, and you have a very brave hairstyle?

[door opens] - Thank you.

- Sergeant Santiago, we're ready for you.

- I look insane. What am I gonna do?

- Okay, style over substance is clearly out,

but if anyone can substance the crap out of this,

it's Amy Santiago.

- You're right, I can do this. Substance over style.

[grunts] Mm!

Come on, Amy.

- [barking] - Hello?

Raymond, what are you doing here?

- Kevin, I didn't know you were home.

I came by to get a book.

"The History of The Crusades: Volume Three, 1123 to 1137."

- Why did you need it? - I had an urgent question.

- About what? - The atabeg of Mosul.

- Jikirmish? - Zengi.

- But you already know everything about Zengi.

- True, it was Diaz's question, um...

and I was embarrassed for her.

- And what was your question, Diaz?

- I wanted to know who Zengi is.

- Yes, that is embarrassing.

I can see why you tried to cover for her.

Well, if that's all...

- It is. Uh, just Zengi.

- Just Zengi.

All right, then. Goodbye.

[door closes]

- [sighs]

- How'd it go? - Good!

They liked the thesis, and I was clear on the data.

Just one problem-- I realized halfway through

that these sweatpants

are from a bachelorette party I went to,

and they say WAP on the butt.

I told them it stands for "We All Police."

- Hey, wish me luck in there. - Did your teeth get whiter?

- That's an illusion.

My smile is so symmetrical,

it makes my teeth seem brighter.

- Well, good luck. Oops.

- What the hell? [door opens]

- Austin, we're--

Everything okay?

- He peed himself. - [clears throat] No.

- That's funny-- same thing happened

to Alex Nelson at Little Mister Michigan.

What?

Tiny Terry did what he had to do.

- So right as we get there,

Franzia disappears into these crazy underground tunnels.

So we have to switch over to night vision--

- Charles, it's all so awesome,

but I actually have to stop you because I got to go.

I have to feed this baby some mushed-up avocado--

Oh, my God.

- What happened? Is Mac okay?

- [chuckles] He just pulled himself up.

[warm music]

[chuckles]

- Hey, did Kevin seem weird to you when we told him

we were only there for that book?

- You think he didn't believe us?

- No, he seemed sad.

I think he was disappointed

that you were there for the book and not for him.

Maybe you should let him know you've been missing him.

- Huh, well, it might be worth a shot.

- What did you just do? - I texted him a picture

of my penis, like you suggested.

- No. Ugh!

I meant for you to call him

and tell him you've been thinking about him.

- Why didn't you say that? - I thought it was understood.

- Hold on. He's writing back.

- Well, what did he say? - It's a link to a graph.

It's a scatter plot

with a very robust data set.

Well... [chuckles]

That escalated quickly.

- Hey.

- Hey, how'd the presentation go?

- Well, they just called, and...

I won. - What?

- I have authorization to start immediately.

- Wait, you won? That's amazing.

Why aren't you more excited? Why aren't you dork-dancing?

- 'Cause you had to miss your thing,

and I didn't want to rub it in.

So I celebrated in the hallway before I walked in.

[softly] Yes! Yeah!

Oh! Oh!

How'd it go here with Mac?

- Fine. Mellow.

He pulled himself up.

- Wait, what? [gasps]

That's huge! He's in the window!

[chuckles] Why are you downplaying this?

- Well, I just figured

you would be bummed that you missed it.

- Ugh, this sucks.

You didn't get to arrest Franzia.

I didn't get to see Mac pull up.

I guess we really can't do it all.

- I don't know.

I mean, you got to do the work thing,

and I got to do the parent thing.

So...

together...

we did do it all.

- Yeah, I guess you're right.

♪

It still totally sucks, though. - Yeah, I'm really bummed.

- Yeah. I'm gonna get ready for bed.

- Okay. You're gonna wake up Mac

and see if he'll pull up, aren't you?

- Obviously, he is not sleeping until he does it again.

- All right, well, don't go without me,

'cause I want to see it.

- Not a doctor. - Shh.