All language subtitles for The.West.Wing.S01E06.WEBRip.x264-FGT

PREVIOUSLY ON THE WEST WING:

EAGLE'S BY.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING I'LL EVER DO.

NOT MORE IMPORTANT
THAN YOUR MARRIAGE.

YES, IT'S MORE IMPORTANT
THAN MY MARRIAGE.

PLEASE BELIEVE ME,
I'M A NICE GUY,
HAVING A BAD DAY

AND IT TURNS OUT
I ACCIDENTALLY SLEPT
WITH A PROSTITUTE.

WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME
WHICH ONE OF THOSE KIDS

IS MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER?
THAT WOULD BE ME.

CHARLIE, MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER
ZOEY IS DOWN FROM HANOVER.

I'M MAKING CHILI TONIGHT.

THIS IS A GIRL, CHARLIE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO...

ZOEY.

I SHOULD CALL YOU ZOEY?

IF I CAN CALL YOU CHARLIE.

NINE, NO HELP.

JACK, NO HELP.

EIGHT, POSSIBLE FLUSH.

KING, POSSIBLE FLUSH.

ACE, NO HELP.

SIX, POSSIBLE STRAIGHT.

DAVE OF LOVE
FOR THE DEALER.

ACE BETS.

Mandy:
CHECK.

CHECK.

CHECK.

Leo:
CHECK.

Toby:
CHECK.

CHECK.

MR. PRESIDENT?

THERE IS ONE FRUIT...

Toby:
OH, PLEASE.

President:
THERE IS ONE FRUIT...

MR. PRESIDENT,
CHECK OR BET--

THOSE ARE YOUR CHOICES.

THERE IS ONE FRUIT...

WELL, YOU SHOULD
FEEL FREE

TO GIVE US A QUIZ
ON INANE TRIVIA.

THERE IS ONE FRUIT
WHOSE SEEDS ARE ON THE OUTSIDE.

NAME IT PLEASE.

IS IT THE KUMQUAT?

President:
NO.

Toby:
CHECK OR BET, SIR.

President:
I BET FIVE.

CALL.

Sam:
SEE IT.

C.J.:
FOLD.

Leo:
SEE IT.

Josh:
CALL.

I SEE IT.

AND I RAISE YOU FIVE.

UH-HUH.

C.J.:
MR. PRESIDENT?

IT'S THE STRAWBERRY.

AH.

OH, RIGHT.

THANK YOU, SIR.
I JUST RAISED YOUR BET.

YES, YOU DID, TOBY, AND I
THOUGHT IT WAS A BOLD MOVE

WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT LEO

IS HOLDING THE SIX
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

DO YOU CALL THE RAISE, SIR?

THAT DEPENDS.

DEPENDS ON WHAT?

THERE ARE 14...

PUNCTUATION MARKS
IN STANDARD ENGLISH GRAMMAR.

CAN ANYONE NAME THEM, PLEASE?

PERIOD.

COMMA.

COLON.

Sam:
SEMI-COLON.

Josh:
DASH.

HYPHEN.

APOSTROPHE.

THAT'S ONLY SEVEN.

THERE'S SEVEN MORE.

QUESTION MARK, EXCLAMATION
POINT, QUOTATION MARKS

BRACKETS, PARENTHESIS,
BRACES AND ELLIPSES.

C.J.:
OOH.

OH, WOW.

DO YOU CALL THE RAISE, SIR?

THERE ARE THREE WORDS
IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE--

AND THREE WORDS ONLY-- THAT
START WITH THE LETTERS "DW."

Josh:
THIS IS A PRETTY GOOD
ILLUSTRATION

OF WHY WE GET NOTHING DONE.

CAN ANYONE NAME THEM

FOR ME, PLEASE?

THREE WORDS THAT BEGIN
WITH THE LETTERS "DW"?
YES.

DWINDLE.
YES.

DWARF.
YES.

DWINDLE...

Toby:
DWINDLE
AND DWARF.

COME ON, PRINCETON.

WE GOT DWINDLE.

WE GOT DWARF.

I SEE YOUR FIVE
AND RAISE YOU FIVE

BY THE WAY.

DWARF... DWINDLE...

FOLD.
FOLD.

LAST CARD DOWN.

"A WITCHES BREW

"A MAGIC SPELL,
AN ENCHANTED

FOREST WHERE..."

"FAIRIES DWELL."
DWELL... DWELL!

Toby:
DWINDLE, DWARF
AND DWELL.

WELL, THE ANSWER'S CORRECT

BUT LET'S CHECK WITH OUR JUDGES
AND... OH, NO!

I'M SORRY.

TIME EXPIRED.

WHAT? WHAT TIME?
MY TIME.

YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TIME?

( all chuckling )

I CALL.

TRIP NINES.

All:
OOH...

TAKE YOUR MONEY, SIR.

YOU'D DO WELL
TO REPORT THAT

TO THE I.R.S.,
'CAUSE GOD KNOWS, I WILL.

( all laughing )

I'M DONE.

I'M GOING
TO HEAD HOME.

KISS JENNY
FOR ME.

YEAH, I WILL.

I'M GOING BACK
TO THE OFFICE.

THEY GOT THE
COMMERCE REPORT

READY FOR ME.
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?

I WAS GOING TO GO HOME.

Josh:
I'M GOING BACK
TO THE OFFICE.

THEY GOT THE COMMERCE REPORT

READY FOR ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING TO GO BACK

TO YOUR OFFICE
WITH YOU

MAKE SURE
YOU UNDERSTAND

THE COMMERCE
REPORT.
THANK YOU.

WHEN I GET THROUGH
WITH YOU

YOU'LL KNOW EVERYTHING

THERE IS
TO KNOW ABOUT

STANDARD DATA
VERSUS SAMPLING
DATA IN THE CENSUS.

CHARLIE, I'M HEADED OVER
TO THE RESIDENCE.

YOU'RE DONE FOR THE NIGHT.

THANK YOU.
I'LL STAY TO DO
SOME PAPERWORK.

DON'T STAY UP TOO LATE, SON.

HOW'D YOU DO?

84 BUCKS.

MOST OF THAT'S MINE.

AH. WHAT'S THAT?

EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT.

I'M SORRY,
THE BUILDING'S
NOT SECURE.

Agent:
WOULD EVERYONE STAY
IN THE ROOM, PLEASE?

THIS IS HAPPENING WAY TOO OFTEN.

IT'S PLEDGE WEEK
AT THE FRATERNITIES.

THE KIDS HOP THE FENCE.

STEP AWAY FROM THE DOORS
AND WINDOWS.

THIS WHOLE ROOM IS
DOORS AND WINDOWS.

JOSH.

Josh:
I'M COOPERATING.

Agent:
THIS WILL BE UNDER CONTROL
IN JUST A MINUTE.

ALRIGHT.

WHAT BODY OF WATER

IN SOUTH AMERICA
IS FORMED

BY THE CONFLUENCE OF...

EXCUSE ME,
WINK MARTINDALE.

DO YOU THINK
THIS IS THE TIME...

NOT QUITE UP
ON YOUR SOUTH AMERICAN

MARITIME GEOGRAPHY THERE,
MY FRIEND?

WE'RE CLEAR.

SAVED BY THE BELL.

THIS IS THE
KIND OF THING

THAT DIDN'T USED TO
HAPPEN AT MY OLD JOB.

CATHY, I NEED A COPY
OF ARTICLE ONE, SECTION TWO.

ARTICLE ONE,
SECTION TWO
OF WHAT?

THE CONSTITUTION.

IS THAT SOMETHING
I'M SUPPOSED TO
HAVE AT MY DESK?

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A COPY

OF THE CONSTITUTION?

THIS IS DISCOURAGING.

BONNIE, WOULD
YOU GET TOBY

A COPY OF THE
CONSTITUTION?

IS IT STILL IN PRINT?

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

TRY AMAZON.COM.

IF THEY DON'T HAVE IT

THEN JUST BUST
INTO THE GLASS DISPLAY CASE

IN THE CAPITAL ROTUNDA!

YOU SHOULDN'T YELL.

"IS IT STILL
IN PRINT?"

IS WHAT MY STAFF
WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.

I'M HERE TO SEE SAM.

GO AHEAD.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

I'M JUST HERE TO SEE
HIM ABOUT SOMETHING.

WHAT DO I CARE?

ABSOLUTELY NO
REASON YOU SHOULD.

OKAY.

WELL, AND THE PRESIDENT'S
COMMITTED

TO VETOING ANY COMMERCE BILL

THAT PROHIBITS
SAMPLING DATA

AS A LEGITIMATE COMPONENT
OF THE 2000 CENSUS.

I'M SABER-RATTLING, JILL.

I'M JUST GIVING A PREVIEW

OF WHAT YOU'RE GOING
TO GET LATER WITH TOBY.

YEAH. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

HEY.

HEY. THAT WAS
ALL... GREAT

WHAT YOU JUST
SAID THERE.

WHAT'D I SAY?

NOT SO MUCH
WHAT YOU SAID

BUT THE WAY
YOU SAID IT.

THIS CENSUS HAS
TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S NOT GLAMOROUS

BUT... YOU KNOW?
SURE.

YOU NEED SOMETHING?

DID YOU GET
A HAIRCUT?

NO.

YOU LOOK
GOOD TODAY.

THANK YOU.

YOU, TOO.

NEW SUIT?

NO.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

WHAT'D YOU
NEED, C.J.?

A TUTOR.

A TUTOR?

YES.

WHAT FOR?

I READ MY BRIEFING
BOOK LAST NIGHT

ON THE COMMERCE BILL
REGARDING THE CENSUS.

THERE'S CERTAIN
PARTS OF IT

I DON'T QUITE
UNDERSTAND.

I CAN HELP YOU OUT.
WHICH PARTS?

WELL, ALL OF IT.

ALL OF IT?
YES.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE CENSUS?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
CERTAIN NUANCES.

LIKE WHAT?
LIKE THE CENSUS.

WE'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THIS COMMERCE BILL
FOR THREE WEEKS.

I HEAR YOU TALK
ABOUT THE CENSUS
ALL THE TIME.

YEAH... YEAH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HOW CAN YOU...?

I'VE BEEN FAKING IT.

YOU'VE BEEN FAKING IT?

I'VE BEEN PLAYING
IT FAST AND LOOSE--

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT--
BUT SITTING IN ON

THE MEETINGS AND READING
THE BRIEFING BOOK LAST NIGHT

I HAVE TO SAY THE
CENSUS IS STARTING

TO SOUND TO ME LIKE
IT'S... WELL, IMPORTANT.

UH-HUH.

AND I'VE COME TO
THE REALIZATION THAT

IF I'M GOING
TO BE TALKING

ABOUT IT ALL WEEK,
IT'S PROBABLY BEST

THAT I UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING.

WHEN?
WHEN WHAT?

WHEN DID YOU COME
TO THIS REALIZATION?

ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

OKAY. LET'S...
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

LET'S FORGET
ABOUT THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE COMING
A LITTLE LATE TO THE PARTY

AND EMBRACE THE IDEA
THAT YOU SHOWED UP AT ALL.

THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

WE'LL START
AT LUNCH.
THANK YOU.

YOU'VE BEEN
FAKING IT?
YES.

WITH THE PRESIDENT?

I KNOW. I SHOULD
PROBABLY NOT DO THAT.

YOU THINK?
I'LL SEE YOU
AT LUNCH.

HI.

HEY.

CAN I ASK YOU
A QUESTION?

ABOUT WHAT?
THE BUDGET SURPLUS.

GO AHEAD.
THERE'S A $30 BILLION
BUDGET SURPLUS.

IT'LL ACTUALLY SHAKE DOWN
TO ABOUT $32 BILLION.

WHATEVER.

YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY SAY?
WHAT DO THEY SAY?

A BILLION DOLLARS HERE,
A BILLION DOLLARS THERE.

SOONER OR LATER, IT STARTS
TO ADD UP TO REAL MONEY.

THAT'S A NIFTY
SAYING, JOSH.

I DIDN'T COIN IT
OR ANYTHING.

WE HAVE A $32 BILLION
BUDGET SURPLUS

FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN THREE DECADES.
YES.

THE REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS

WANT TO USE
THIS MONEY
FOR TAX RELIEF?
YES.

ESSENTIALLY,
THEY WANT TO GIVE
BACK THE MONEY.
YES.

WHY DON'T WE WANT
TO GIVE BACK THE MONEY?

'CAUSE WE'RE
DEMOCRATS.

IT'S NOT THE
GOVERNMENT'S MONEY.

SURE IT IS. IT'S
IN OUR BANK ACCOUNT.

ONLY 'CAUSE WE COLLECTED
MORE MONEY THAN WE NEEDED.

ISN'T IT GREAT?

I WANT MY
MONEY BACK.
SORRY.

WE'RE NOT DONE
WITH THIS.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

Leo:
$12 MILLION
TO ESTABLISH

AN APPALACHIAN
TRANSPORTATION
INSTITUTE.

$1.5 MILLION

TO STUDY PARKING FACILITIES
AT COMMERCIAL TRUCK STOPS.

$3 MILLION TO PRODUCE
A DOCUMENTARY

ON HIGHWAY
INFRASTRUCTURE.

THESE ARE JUST SOME
OF TODAY'S ADDITIONS

TO THE APPROPRIATIONS BILL

AND THAT'S JUST IN THE AREA
OF TRANSPORTATION.

$2 MILLION
FOR A VOLCANO MONITOR IN ALASKA

TO WARN PASSING AIRPLANES
ABOUT ASH.

BY THE WAY, THE F.A.A.
DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

$550,000 FOR
NEW YORK STATE

TO RESTORE THE HOME
OF SUSAN B. ANTHONY.

WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
THE TILE IN MY SHOWER
COULD USE REGROUTING.

SOMEBODY PLEASE REMIND ME
WHAT'S IN THIS FOR US?

POWER ZONES, U.S. RAIL
AND FEDERAL FUNDING

FOR 100,000
NEW PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHERS.

THANK YOU.

HOW'S THIS WORKING?

WE HAVE A MEETING
WITH GLADMAN AND SKINNER.

THEY REPRESENT TWO
OF THE THREE SWING VOTES

ON THE COMMERCE COMMITTEE.

SWING VOTES IN TERMS
OF THE CENSUS.

YES, AND IF THEY AGREE TO DROP
THE SAMPLING PROHIBITION

THE APPROPRIATIONS BILL
COULD PASS WITHOUT A PROBLEM.

WHO'S THE THIRD?

THE THIRD?

YOU SAID THREE SWING VOTES:
GLADMAN, SKINNER...

JANICE WILLIS'S HUSBAND.

RIGHT.

PRESUMABLY, HE'LL DO
WHAT HE'S TOLD.

WE'RE FINE.
YOU SURE?

TOMORROW'S THE START
OF A THREE-DAY WEEKEND.

435 CONGRESSMAN WANT
TO MAKE THEIR FLIGHTS
HOME IN THE MORNING.

YOU THINK THAT'LL DO IT?

OH, I KNOW THAT'LL DO IT.

WHAT TIME'S THE MEETING?

11:00.

JUST DON'T DO
ANYTHING TO SCREW UP

OR IN ANY WAY
EMBARRASS ME, OKAY?

LEO. KNUTE ROCKNE.

SOMETIMES, I GET
THEM MIXED UP.

GO.

Butterfield:
IF THEY HOP THE FENCE

THEY'RE GOING TO JAIL.

WHAT THEY DO ONCE
WE GET TO THEM

IS WHAT'S GOING
TO DETERMINE
FOR HOW LONG.

WHAT TRIPPED
THE ALARM?

THERE ARE ALARMS
IN THE GROUND HERE

HERE, HERE, HERE

HERE, HERE AND HERE.

SHE TRIPPED IT HERE.

SHE?

YES, SIR.

IT WASN'T A
FRATERNITY STUNT?

NO, SIR.

IT WAS A MENTALLY UNBALANCED
WOMAN IN HER 40s.

WELL, YOU KNOW, JUST TRYING
TO KILL ME ISN'T NECESSARILY

EVIDENCE OF BEING
MENTALLY UNBALANCED.

SIR, IT APPEARS
FROM HER STATEMENT

YOU WEREN'T THE TARGET.

I WASN'T?

NO, SIR.

WHO WAS?

YOUR DAUGHTER.

ZOEY?

YES, SIR.

President:
LEO.

GOOD MORNING, MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU KNOW RON
BUTTERFIELD.

HE SAYS IT
WAS A WOMAN.

WE SPOKE
LAST NIGHT.

WE'RE STILL REVIEWING
THE FRAME-BY-FRAME.

I'LL GET A REPORT
FIRST THING?
YES, SIR.

MR. PRESIDENT, IF I COULD EXCUSE
MYSELF TO THE OUTER OFFICE

I COULD MAKE A CALL
AND SEE...

OF COURSE.
HELP YOURSELF.

THANK YOU, SIR.

THIS WOMAN
WAS AFTER ZOEY?

THERE WERE EIGHT
SECURITY CHECKS

BETWEEN WHERE THE WOMAN
WAS AND ZOEY'S BEDROOM.

THERE'S NO NEED FOR ZOEY
TO KNOW ABOUT THIS, RIGHT?

NO.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

THIS MAY BE
THE WRONG TIME,
MR. PRESIDENT

BUT I WANTED TO SPEAK
TO YOU ABOUT...

AS THE GAME
WAS BREAKING UP
LAST NIGHT

YOU MENTIONED
I SHOULD SAY HELLO

TO JENNY...

HANG ON A SECOND.
WHAT DO YOU GOT, RON?

YOU'LL BE HAPPY
TO KNOW

OUR SECURITY SYSTEM
WORKED EXACTLY THE WAY

IT'S SUPPOSED TO WORK.

I GUESS THAT'S SOMETHING.

YES, SIR.

YOU'LL SEND
THE FULL REPORT?

ABOUT TWO HOURS.
YOU WERE SAYING?

IT CAN WAIT.

YOU SURE?
YEAH.

GOOD SEEING YOU, RON.

I'LL SEE YOU
IN AN HOUR, SIR.

ALRIGHT.
THANKS.

I GUESS WE'RE DONE, TOO.

I WOULDN'T LOSE A LOT
OF SLEEP OVER IT, SIR.

NO, NO.

GOOD SEEING YOU,
MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU, TOO.

RON?

YES, SIR.

DID SHE HAVE A GUN?

YES, SIR.

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

( sighs )

Man:
JOSH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

Josh:
CONGRESSMAN.

MANDY, IF I'D KNOWN
YOU WERE GOING TO BE HERE

I WOULD'VE HAVE BROUGHT
MY SWORD AND SHIELD.

CHAMPAGNE AND FLOWERS
WOULD'VE DONE THE TRICK.

HAVE YOU MET JOE WILLIS?

Josh:
NO, WE HAVEN'T.

MY WIFE WAS JANICE WILLIS.

I KNOW.

SHE PASSED AWAY
LAST MONTH.

SO, I'VE TAKEN OVER
HER SEAT IN CONGRESS.

YES, SIR, WE KNOW AND
WE'RE SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

THE WHITE HOUSE SENT FLOWERS
AND THE PRESIDENT WROTE

A VERY BEAUTIFUL NOTE.

I WONDER IF YOU COULD PASS ALONG
MY THANKS.

WE SURE WILL,
CONGRESSMAN.

AH, PLEASE, NO--
I'M NOT A CONGRESSMAN.

I TEACH EIGHTH-GRADE
SOCIAL STUDIES

AND THIS IS
ONLY TEMPORARY UNTIL...

MORNING.

EVERYONE GOT FRUIT?
EVERYONE GOT BAGELS?

GOOD, GOOD.

CHRISTOPHER...

ANTHONY, WOULD YOU
MIND PUTTING MY COPY

OF THE APPROPRIATIONS BILL
ON THE TABLE, PLEASE?

THANK YOU,
CHRISTOPHER...

THANK YOU,
ANTHONY...

AND THANK
YOU, CATHY.

WHY DON'T WE
TAKE OUR SEATS?

CONGRESSMAN
SKINNER, WELCOME.

CONGRESSMAN GLADMAN

ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE
YOU HERE, SIR.

CONGRESSMAN WILLIS,
I WAS A GREAT FAN

OF YOUR
LATE WIFE.
THANK YOU.

THIS REPRESENTS
THE LATEST DRAFT

OF THE HOUSE
APPROPRIATIONS BILL.

IT IS 7,000
PAGES LONG

AND WEIGHS
OVER 55 POUNDS.

IT INCLUDES $1.2 MILLION

FOR A LETTUCE GENETICIST
IN SALINAS, CALIFORNIA

AND $1.7 MILLION
FOR MANURE HANDLING

IN STARKVILLE,
MISSISSIPPI.

TOBY, YOU KNOW
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

EIGHT STATES WILL
DIVIDE $5 MILLION

TO RESEARCH THE
USES OF... WOOD.

YEAH, WE, UH,
WE-WE SAW THAT ONE.

I'M THINKING
OF SOME USES FOR IT NOW.

I THOUGHT WE WERE HERE
TO TALK ABOUT THE CENSUS.

WE ARE.

THE WHITE HOUSE JUST WANTED
TO POINT OUT

THAT YOU ARE CRIMINALS
AND DESPOTS.

THANK YOU...

NO PROBLEM.
BUT THAT WON'T
STOP THE PRESIDENT

FROM SIGNING THE BILL
INTO LAW?

Josh:
NO, SADLY, IT WON'T.

WHAT WILL STOP THE PRESIDENT

FROM SIGNING THE BILL IS

THE AMENDMENT YOUR COMMITTEE
IS OFFERING ON THE CENSUS.

THE THREE OF
YOU REPRESENT

THE SWING VOTE ON THE
COMMERCE COMMITTEE.

YOU DROP
THE CENSUS AMENDMENT

AND THE APPROPRIATIONS BILL
GOES THROUGH WITHOUT A HITCH.

INSIST ON THE LAW
PROHIBITING SAMPLING

AND YOU CAN COUNT ON
A LONG FLOOR FIGHT

FOLLOWED BY
AN ALMOST CERTAIN VETO.

Toby:
I WOULD LIKE
TO EMPHASIZE

THE "LONG FLOOR FIGHT"
OF IT ALL

AND REMIND YOU THAT I HAVE
ABSOLUTELY NO CONSCIENCE

WHEN IT COMES
TO EXPLOITING YOUR NONREFUNDABLE

AIRLINE TICKETS

FOR THE WEEKEND.

WITH THAT IN MIND...

UH, EXCUSE ME...

YES, SIR.

I'M NOT LEAVING TOWN.

I'M SORRY?

I'M NOT LEAVING TOWN
THIS WEEKEND.

I WAS GOING TO STAY

AND SEE SOME OF
JANICE'S FRIENDS.

SO, THERE'S NO
NEED TO RUSH

ON MY ACCOUNT.

YOU CAN TAKE AS MUCH TIME
AS YOU LIKE.

GOOD... THEN...

( clears throat )

LET'S TALK.

C.J.:
AND YOU'RE GOING
TO GO SLOWLY, RIGHT?

YES.

PRETEND, FOR THE PURPOSES
OF THIS CONVERSATION

THAT I'M DUMB.

LET ME TRY
AND CONJURE AN IMAGE

OF YOU AS A STUPID PERSON.

CRACKING WISE?

I'M COMING TO YOU
EXPOSED AND VULNERABLE.

YOUR OFFICE--
I'M COMING TO YOU.

I MEANT SYMBOLICALLY.

AH.

I'M A PERSON SAYING

"THERE'S SOMETHING
I DO NOT KNOW.

WILL YOU TEACH ME?"

IT'S HARD TO ADMIT
YOU DON'T KNOW SOMETHING.

THAT MAKES ME SUBMISSIVE.

WHAT IS IT EXACTLY
YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO?

I'M ADMITTING TO YOU THAT...

THERE ARE THINGS
I DO NOT KNOW.

AND I'M TELLING YOU
I DON'T THINK ANYBODY

WOULD HAVE ANY TROUBLE IMAGINING
THAT THERE ARE THINGS

YOU DO NOT KNOW.

EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

THE CONSTITUTION MANDATES

THAT EVERY TEN YEARS
WE COUNT EVERYBODY.

WHY?
BECAUSE REPRESENTATION

AT THE VARIOUS LEVELS
OF THE GOVERNMENT--

FEDERAL, STATE
AND MUNICIPAL--

IS BASED ON POPULATION.

THE ONLY WAY TO FIND OUT

HOW MANY CONGRESSMEN
CALIFORNIA GETS IS

TO COUNT THE PEOPLE
IN CALIFORNIA.

IF THE BRIEFING BOOK HAD
BEEN WRITTEN THAT CLEARLY

I WOULD'VE EASILY
UNDERSTOOD.

WE'RE NOT THROUGH YET.

OKAY.

THE DECENNIAL CENSUS
HAS ALWAYS BEEN DONE

BY A DOOR-TO-DOOR
HEAD COUNT.

SOME 950,000 PROFESSIONALS
ARE HIRED.

THE PROCESS COSTS

APPROXIMATELY
$6.9 BILLION.

THE PROCESS IS ALSO
VERY INACCURATE.

TENDS TO BE
SIGNIFICANTLY DISADVANTAGEOUS

TO INNER-CITY POPULATIONS,
RECENT IMMIGRANT POPULATIONS

AND, OF COURSE,
THE HOMELESS.

YOU ARE
A VERY GOOD TEACHER, SAM.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT IN THIS...

YOUR TIME
OF VULNERABILITY?

YES.

I APPRECIATE IT.

WE'RE NOT DONE YET.

OKAY.

OH, HEY, BABY.

HI, DADDY.

MMM...

MMM...

CAN YOU STAY LONG?

NO, I JUST WANTED TO BRING YOU
SOME STUFF FROM HOME.

OH, YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO DO THAT.

WELL, I WANTED YOU TO HAVE
SOME STUFF THAT YOU LIKE.

I'M REALLY
FINE, MAL.

YOU'RE OKAY
AT THE HOTEL?

I WANTED MOM TO
HAVE THE HOUSE.

BUT YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK
FOR A PLACE, RIGHT?

I CAN HELP YOU OUT
ON THE WEEKENDS.

MALLORY, THIS THING
WITH YOUR MOTHER AND
ME, IT'LL BLOW OVER.

NO, IT WON'T, DAD.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?

THIS IS NOT AMORTIZED OVER
THE LIFE OF THE BUDGET.

THIS IS
A ONE-TIME EXPERIMENT.

THIS IS A PURELY PARTISAN ISSUE,
MANDY.

THE DEMOCRATS WANT
BACK THE HOUSE.

I WON'T DENY THERE'S SOMETHING
FOR US TO GAIN.

NO, NO, NO, IT'S LIKE
YOU-YOU LOST THE BATTLE...

DID HE SAY
WHAT IT WAS ABOUT?

NO. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME
GETTING MY MONEY BACK?

YOU WON'T
SPEND IT RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LET'S SAY YOUR CUT
OF THE SURPLUS IS $700.

I WANT TO TAKE YOUR MONEY

COMBINE IT
WITH EVERYBODY ELSE'S MONEY

AND USE IT
TO PAY DOWN THE DEBT

AND FURTHER ENDOW
SOCIAL SECURITY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO DO WITH IT?

BUY A DVD PLAYER.

SEE?

BUT MY $700 IS HELPING
EMPLOY THE PEOPLE

WHO MANUFACTURE AND
SELL DVD PLAYERS

NOT TO MENTION THE
PEOPLE WHO MANUFACTURE
AND SELL DVDs.

IT'S THE NATURAL EVOLUTION
OF A MARKET ECONOMY.

THE PROBLEM IS
THE DVD PLAYER YOU BUY

MIGHT BE MADE
IN JAPAN.

I'LL BUY AN
AMERICAN ONE.

WE DON'T TRUST YOU.

WHY NOT?

WE'RE DEMOCRATS.

I WANT MY MONEY.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE VOTED
FOR US.

HEY, CHARLIE.

WHAT'S UP, JOSH?

MRS. LANDINGHAM, I GOT A MESSAGE
HE NEEDED TO SEE ME.

SURE. GO ON IN.

YES.

YES.

YES, OF COURSE.

I'M ON A CONFERENCE CALL
WITH THE POSTMASTER GENERAL.

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

I HONESTLY COULDN'T
TELL YOU.

AH.
LOOK, I WANT YOU

TO DO ME A FAVOR.
OF COURSE.

TAKE CHARLIE OUT
FOR A BEER TONIGHT.

TAKE HIM FOR A BEER?

YEAH. THE KID
HAS NO LIFE.

YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY AROUND
HERE HE KNOWS AT ALL.

TAKE HIM OUT FOR A COUPLE
OF BEERS, YOU GUYS COME BACK

WE'LL ALL WATCH THE
VOTE IN LEO'S OFFICE.

SURE.

GOOD. THANKS. I'LL
GIVE YOU CASH.

NO, SIR,
I DON'T NEED...

DON'T BE SILLY.

I HAVE MONEY,
MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU SURE?
YES, SIR.

TRUTH BE KNOWN,
I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH ON ME.

THAT'S FINE.

I DON'T CARRY ANY CASH ANYMORE.

I DON'T CARRY
KEYS, EITHER.

I WOULDN'T THINK
YOU'D NEED THEM.

HOW'S IT GOING IN THERE?

WE'LL SEE.

I APPRECIATE IT.

YES, SIR.

President:
YES?

CHARLIE...

YES?
YOU GOT PLANS TONIGHT?

NO.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIT
WITH YOUR SISTER?

SLEEPOVER AT HER
GIRLFRIEND'S.

WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO?

HAVE A BEER WITH ME.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

TONIGHT, WE'LL GO
TO A BAR IN GEORGETOWN.

WE'LL...
SPEAK AS MEN DO.

WE WILL?
YEAH.

UM... WHAT KIND OF
BAR IS THIS, JOSH?

NO.

IT'S FINE.

OKAY.

GREAT.

JOSH, AREN'T YOU
A LITTLE OLD

TO BE LEERING AT
COLLEGE COEDS?

I'M A FULBRIGHT SCHOLAR,
MRS. LANDINGHAM.

I DON'T LEER.

ALSO, THERE'LL BE PLENTY
OF GRAD STUDENTS THERE.

OH, WELL, GOOD, THEN.

SO, I'LL COME GET YOU.

Charlie:
OKAY.
GREAT.

JOSH...

HEY.

HEY.

TAKE US WITH YOU.

WHERE?
OUT TONIGHT.

YOUR PLANS
WITH CHARLIE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW
WE'RE GOING OUT?

MY DAD JUST TOLD US.

HE SAID YOU SHOULD TAKE US
WITH YOU.

THE MAN IS LIKE
A CAMP COUNSELOR.

OH, TAKE US
WITH YOU, JOSH.

TAKE US WITH YOU.
NO.

THESE ARE PLANS AMONG MEN.

WE DON'T CARE
IF YOU FLIRT WITH THE COEDS.

OKAY, THERE'S GOING
TO BE GRAD STUDENTS THERE.

CAN WE KEEP THAT
IN MIND?

IT SOUNDED, UH, KIND OF
LIKE AN ORDER, JOSH.

FINE.

BRING SAM SEABORN.

SAM'S GOT ENOUGH GOING ON
IN HIS LIFE RIGHT NOW

WITHOUT YOU MAKING
A BOOTY CALL.

I AM NOT MAKING
A BOOTY CALL.

WE HAD AN INTERESTING
CONVERSATION THAT
GOT INTERRUPTED

AND I'D LIKE TO
FINISH IT WITH HIM.

WHATEVER.

THIS IS GOING
TO BE FUN.

THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER

AND THE CHIEF
OF STAFF'S DAUGHTER

A GEORGETOWN BAR AND SAM--

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

HEAD COUNTS HAVE PROVEN
STAGGERINGLY INACCURATE.

WHY?

HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO COUNT THE HOMELESS?

THERE'S A LARGE
POPULATION OF PEOPLE
WHO DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH

AND PLENTY OF PEOPLE,
PARTICULARLY IN
THE INNER CITY

DON'T WANT TO
ANSWER QUESTIONS

WHEN YOU KNOCK
ON THEIR DOOR.

PLUS, IT'S
ALWAYS BEEN HARD.

SAMPLING, THE STATISTICIANS
HAVE TOLD US

IS A MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE WAY
OF GETTING A GOOD CENSUS.

AND WHAT'S
THE LEGAL ARGUMENT?

THE LEGAL ARGUMENT IS
IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

THE LEGAL ARGUMENT IS
IT'S AGAINST THE LAW.

BUT IF SAMPLING'S REALLY
AGAINST THE LAW

WHY WOULD CONGRESS BE TRYING
TO PASS LEGISLATION SAYING

SAMPLING'S
AGAINST THE LAW?

SEE HOW GOOD
IT FEELS

TO UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT?

SEE HOW I CAN DO IT
WITHOUT BEING PATRONIZING?

WHAT HAPPENED TO, "YOU

"LOOK GOOD
TODAY"?
I GOT OVER IT.

Josh:
SAM.
YEAH.

I'M TAKING CHARLIE
FOR A BEER TONIGHT.

ZOEY AND MALLORY
ARE COMING.

SOUNDS GOOD.
I LIKE BEER.

IF YOU WANT TO
COME, I GUESS
THAT'D BE OKAY.

WHY, JOSH, YOU'VE...
YOU'VE SWEPT ME
OFF MY FEET.

WHATEVER.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

IN THE LAST CENSUS,
8 MILLION PEOPLE

MOSTLY BLACK,
WEREN'T COUNTED

AND IN THE SAME CENSUS,
FOUR MILLION PEOPLE

MOSTLY WHITE,
WERE COUNTED TWICE.

Toby:
SAMPLING WILL
GIVE A COUNT

THAT BEARS A MUCH GREATER
RELATIONSHIP TO REALITY

AND IT'LL DO IT TO THE TUNE
OF $4 BILLION LESS

THAN A DOOR-TO-DOOR
HEAD COUNT.

SAMPLING WILL COST
$2.7 BILLION

AND AN INACCURATE HEAD COUNT

WILL COST 6.9.

EVERY SINGLE
EXPERT

INCLUDING
THE CENSUS BUREAU ITSELF

WHICH IS A BIPARTISAN COMMISSION

HAS SAID...
SAMPLING IS BETTER.

WE'VE HEARD THESE
ARGUMENTS MANY TIMES

BUT IN THIS COUNTRY
WE HAVE A CONSTITUTION.

WE ARE AWARE OF THAT.

Skinner:
THE CONSTITUTION
IS VERY CLEAR ON THIS.

I DON'T THINK IT IS.

UNTIL THE COURT RULES
THAT SAMPLING IS CONSTITUTIONAL.

THE ARTICLE IS ARCANE.

OH, COME ON, TOBY

THE ARTICLE IS NOT ARCANE.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

WE DON'T HAVE TIME...

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

Gladman:
TOBY...

NONE OF US IS A
CONSTITUTIONAL
SCHOLAR AND WE...

IT'S NOT GOING TO TAKE LONG.

Toby:
MY STAFF
UNEARTHED A COPY.

Skinner:
TOBY, COME ON.

WE'VE BEEN HERE
FOR SIX...

Toby:
MANDY, WOULD YOU
READ PLEASE

FROM ARTICLE ONE,
SECTION TWO.

Gladman:
THIS IS SILLY.

IT IS THE OWNER'S MANUAL.

WE SHOULD READ
WHAT IT HAS TO SAY.

Mandy:
"REPRESENTATIVES AND DIRECT
TAXES SHALL BE APPORTIONED

"AMONG
THE SEVERAL STATES

"WHICH MAY BE INCLUDED
WITHIN THIS UNION

"ACCORDING
TO THEIR RESPECTIVE NUMBERS

"WHICH SHALL BE DETERMINED
BY ADDING THE WHOLE NUMBER

"OF PERSONS, INCLUDING
THOSE BOUND TO SERVICE

FOR A TERM OF YEARS."

WELL, YOU SAID IT RIGHT THERE.

IT SAYS "WHICH SHALL BE
DETERMINED

BY THE WHOLE NUMBER
OF PERSONS."

"THE WHOLE
NUMBER OF
PERSONS."

NOT THE END OF AN EQUATION
THAT SOME STATISTICIAN

GOT OFF OF A COMPUTER.

IT SAYS SO RIGHT THERE.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT
WHAT IT SAYS.

W-W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

MANDY LEFT OUT
A FEW WORDS

DIDN'T SHE, MR. WILLIS?

YES.

MR. WILLIS TEACHES
EIGHTH GRADE SOCIAL
STUDIES AND MR. WILLIS

KNOWS VERY WELL
WHAT THE ARTICLE SAYS.

IT SAYS, "WHICH SHALL BE
DETERMINED BY ADDING

"THE WHOLE NUMBER
OF FREE PERSONS...

AND THREE FIFTHS
OF ALL OTHER PERSONS."

THREE FIFTHS
OF ALL OTHER PERSONS.

THEY MEANT YOU, MR. WILLIS,
DIDN'T THEY?

YES.

MR. WILLIS, YOU ARE ASKING
TO ENACT A LAW

WHICH WILL LIMIT THE ABILITY

OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO NEED
TO BE COUNTED THE MOST

TO BE COUNTED
AS PEOPLE AT ALL

AND THEIR ONLY REFUGE
IS THE ARGUMENT

THAT ARTICLE I, SECTION TWO
IS NOT ARCANE.

WELL, I THINK
WE'RE THROUGH HERE.

I CAN
REPORT BACK

TO THE CHAIRMAN
OF MY COMMITTEE

BUT I REALLY
DON'T THINK
THAT EITHER HE

OR THE LEADERSHIP
IS GOING TO ALLOW
ANY ONE OF US

TO CHANGE OUR VOTES.

CONGRESSMAN,
YOU ARE TALKING
ABOUT TYING UP

AN APPROPRIATIONS
BILL...

DON'T TELL US WHAT WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT, TOBY.

AND WAITING TILL

THE 11th HOUR TO CALL...

WHAT IS THIS?
THE FOURTH TIME

THAT WE'VE
ARRANGED
THIS MEETING

AND BY THE WAY...

I WILL.

WHAT, SIR?

I THINK WE SHOULD DROP IT.

JOE...

THAT'S MY
CHOICE

RIGHT?
JOE, THE CHAIRMAN
OF OUR COMMITTEE

RECOMMENDS
THAT...

NO, I SAW
WHAT HE
RECOMMENDED

AND I APPRECIATE
HIS HELP

BUT IT'S STILL MY CHOICE, RIGHT?

ABSOLUTELY, SIR.

IT IS YOUR
CHOICE.

WELL, THEN, I CHANGE MY MIND.

I THINK WE SHOULD
DROP THE CENSUS
AMENDMENT

AND LET THE
APPROPRIATIONS
BILL GO THROUGH

AS IS.

JOE...

UNTIL THE COURT RULES

ON WHETHER SAMPLING
IS CONSTITUTIONAL.

WELL... THEN...

EXCELLENT.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU
SNUCK ONE IN THE BACK
DOOR, EH, TOBY?

I GOT THROUGH
WHATEVER DOOR WAS OPEN TO ME.

WELL, WE'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO REVISIT THIS.

YES.

MR. WILLIS, DO YOU NEED
ANY HELP TO FIND YOUR WAY OUT?

NO, THANK YOU.

I THINK I CAN MANAGE.

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

HAVE A GOOD
WEEKEND.

THANK YOU.

GO TELL LEO.

MR. WILLIS ...

YOU CAN CALL ME JOE.

IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING,
SIR, WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I KNOW IT WASN'T
EXPEDIENCY, SIR.

I WAS WONDERING

WHAT CHANGED
YOUR MIND?

YOU DID.

I THOUGHT YOU MADE
A VERY STRONG ARGUMENT.

WELL, THANK YOU.

UH...

( chuckling )

I'M SMILING

BECAUSE... WELL,
AROUND HERE

THE MERITS OF
A PARTICULAR
ARGUMENT

GENERALLY TAKE
A BACKSEAT TO
POLITICAL TACTICS.

I WOULD IMAGINE.

YEAH.

IT WORKED ON ME.

I WAS TAKING ADVANTAGE
OF YOU, SIR.

I KNOW.

THERE ARE SOME
THINGS I DID
NOT MENTION.

FIRST OF ALL,
IT IS PARTISAN.

SECOND OF ALL,
I'M NOT WILD

ABOUT THE
PRECEDENT.

YOU MEAN...
WHAT'S TO
STOP US

FROM SAYING, "WE
DON'T NEED ELECTIONS.

WE'LL JUST USE
POLLING DATA."

1,150 WITH A SAMPLING
ERROR OF PLUS OR MINUS
THREE WILL DECIDE

WHO RUNS
THE COUNTRY.

I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

AND?

IT'S OKAY BY ME AS LONG
AS IT'S NOT THE SAME PEOPLE

WHO DECIDE WHAT'S ON TELEVISION.

( both laughing )

TOBY...

I'M NOT NEARLY AS SMART
AS MY WIFE WAS.

I WENT TO NIGHT SCHOOL
BECAUSE I WENT TO
WORK PRETTY YOUNG.

I TRIED TO
UNDERSTAND
THE THINGS

JANICE BROUGHT HOME
FROM THE OFFICE

BUT I WASN'T IN HER LEAGUE.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT SHE
WANTED WITH A DUMMY LIKE ME.

I THINK THE PROBLEMS

THAT WE'RE GOING
TO FACE IN THE
NEW CENTURY

ARE FAR BEYOND THE
WISDOM OF SOLOMON,
LET ALONE ME.

BUT I THINK THE RIGHT PLACE
TO START IS TO SAY

"FAIR IS FAIR.

"THIS IS WHO WE ARE.

THESE ARE OUR NUMBERS."

I'M SORRY I NEVER GOT
TO KNOW YOUR WIFE, SIR.

SHE WOULD
HAVE LIKED YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I'VE GOT A ROLL CALL.

NOTHING TO IT.

THEY CALL YOUR NAME,
YOU VOTE "YEA."

WELL, THIS IS MY FIRST
AND LIKELY MY ONLY VOTE

IN THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES.

WELL, GOOD LUCK,
CONGRESSMAN.

THANK YOU.

YOU WANTED TO READ
THESE WITH DINNER.

THANKS.

WOULD YOU LIKE
THE TOKYO EXCHANGE

SENT TO YOUR BEDROOM?
YEAH, SURE.

AND THE CALL
FROM THE SECRETARY?

YES.

WOULD YOU LIKE IT
IN THE DINING ROOM?

I'LL TAKE THE CALL
WHEREVER I AM

WHEN HE CALLS, I GUESS.

THERE'S NO NEED TO
ADOPT A TONE, SIR.

I'M JUST TRYING
TO GET OUT OF HERE.

WOULD THERE BE
ANYTHING ELSE?
I'M SAYING NO.

I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.

THERE'S THAT
TONE AGAIN.

MR. PRESIDENT...

GOOD NIGHT, SIR.

GOOD NIGHT, MRS. LANDINGHAM.

I HEARD IT'S DONE.

YEAH, COMMERCE
WILL LEAVE

THE CENSUS AMENDMENT
IN COMMITTEE

APPROPRIATIONS
WILL PASS.

NO PROBLEM.

GOOD.
I'M HEADED

OVER TO THE
RESIDENCE.
I NEEDED TO SPEAK

TO YOU ABOUT
SOMETHING.

SURE.

THANK YOU.

I SHOULD HAVE
TOLD YOU EARLIER, BUT...

I MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE.

JENNY'S ASKING ME FOR A DIVORCE.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

NO.

LEO, YOU'RE
KIDDING ME.

NO.

WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING HAPPENED,
MR. PRESIDENT.

IT'S JUST
ONE OF THOSE...

DON'T TELL ME
NOTHING HAPPENED, LEO.

I KNOW YOU.

I KNOW JENNY.

MARRIED COUPLES
LIKE YOU

DON'T JUST
GET DIVORCED

BECAUSE NOTHING
HAPPENED.
NOTHING HAPPENED.

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

I WANT TO TALK TO JENNY.

FEEL FREE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW
THIS HAPPENED, LEO.

YOU AND JENNY
WERE HAPPY.

JENNY WAS NOT HAPPY.

BECAUSE YOU
WEREN'T SPENDING

ENOUGH TIME
WITH HER?

YES, BUT THAT'S NOT...

A MARRIAGE

NEEDS ATTENTION,
LEO.

IT CAN'T RUN
ON AUTOPILOT.

COME ON, IT'S NOT
YOUR PROM DATE WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT HERE.

WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.

WELL, MR. PRESIDENT,
THANK YOU FOR POINTING THAT OUT.

I TRIED TO SQUEEZE IN
AS MUCH TIME AS I COULD

BETWEEN MY WINE
TASTING CLUB

AND RUNNING
YOUR WHITE HOUSE.

YOU CAN'T BLAME
THIS ON ME.

I'M NOT BLAMING YOU
FOR IT, SIR.

I'M NOT BLAMING
ANYONE FOR IT.

IT JUST HAPPENED.

THESE THINGS
HAPPEN.

WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?

TWO WEEKS AGO.

AND YOU'RE JUST
NOW TELLING ME?

HONESTLY? I KNOW
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT JENNY.

I THOUGHT YOU'D THINK
THAT SOMEHOW YOU WERE
RESPONSIBLE FOR IT

AND YOU'D TURN THAT GUILT
INTO AN INAPPROPRIATE ANGER

TOWARD ME, WHICH, FRANKLY

I CAN LIVE WITHOUT
RIGHT NOW.

I CAN'T IMAGINE
WHAT MADE ME THINK ALL THAT.

FIX THIS, LEO.

IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

IT IS AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

YOU'RE THE MAN.

FIX IT.

MR. PRESIDENT...

FIX IT.

GOOD NIGHT, SIR.

GOOD NIGHT, LEO.

SO, YOUR FRIEND
COULDN'T COME TONIGHT?

BY FRIEND, OF COURSE,
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT...

YOUR SPECIAL FRIEND.

SAM, DOES
SHE MEAN...?

MY SPECIAL FRIEND.

WHAT
SPECIAL FRIEND?

HIS SPECIAL FRIEND THAT
ZOEY CAN'T KNOW ABOUT.

THE HOOKER.

OKAY. SHE'S NOT A HOOKER.

SHE'S A CALL GIRL.

AND HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?

MALLORY TOLD ME.

HOW DOES MALLORY
KNOW ABOUT THAT?

I TOLD HER.

YOU TOLD OUR BOSS' DAUGHTER
THAT YOU SLEPT WITH A CALL GIRL?

I THOUGHT
SHE WAS A SCHOOLTEACHER

WHO CAME IN
WITH HER CLASS.

YOU THOUGHT
YOU WERE TELLING A STRANGER

THAT YOU SLEPT WITH A CALL GIRL.

ACCIDENTALLY...
SLEPT WITH A CALL GIRL.

MALLORY, DOES
YOUR FATHER KNOW?

NO.

ZOEY?

DOES YOUR FATHER KNOW?

NOT YET.

OH, SO, THIS IS
GOING TO BE A THING.

ZOEY AND I
HAVE DECIDED

THAT IT'S TIME
WE START COLLECTING I.O.U.s.

UH...

SHE DIDN'T BRING MY GRASSHOPPER.

SHE DIDN'T?
NO.

MAYBE SHE JUST FELT
REALLY STUPID ORDERING IT.

THE GRASSHOPPER
IS A PERFECTLY RESPECTABLE...

I'LL GET IT.

I WANT TO SEE
THEM MAKE IT.

( laughter )

COULD YOU HOLD THESE?

IT'S JUST LIPSTICK,
AND STUFF.

MY PANIC BUTTON.

RUINS THE LINE

OF MY OUTFIT.

IT'S CALLED A GRASSHOPPER?

STRAIGHT UP.

MAKE SURE THEY MAKE IT
EXTRA THICK AND GREEN.

WHAT IS A PANIC BUTTON?

OH, YOU DON'T
WANT TO KNOW.

I'VE SEEN IT IN ACTION.

THE PRESIDENT
IS A VERY PROTECTIVE FATHER.

SO, YOU'RE HAVING
A GOOD TIME TONIGHT?

YEAH. I APPRECIATE IT.

SEEMS LIKE
YOU'RE NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME.

HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME.

YOU THINK THEY KNOW
I DON'T GO TO COLLEGE?

WHO?

ALL THESE PEOPLE.

YOU'RE TWICE AS SMART
AS ANYONE IN THE ROOM.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T GO TO COLLEGE.

RELAX.

YOU'RE TELLING HIM TO RELAX

WITH THIS SENSE OF URGENCY.

MAKING SURE HE'S HAVING
A GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

HE'S HAVING
A GOOD TIME.

YOU RELAX.

HEY.

HEY.

HI. UM, WH-WHAT'S
YOUR NAME?

WHAT?

UH...

I SAID WHAT'S
YOUR NAME?

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

HEY, HE'S JUST ASKING
FOR YOUR NAME.

I'M...

WAIT. WAIT.

WHY DON'T WE GUESS
YOUR NAME? ALRIGHT?

SURE.

ALRIGHT,
BECAUSE I BET WE CAN GUESS IT.

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT THERE
WAS URGENCY IN MY VOICE.

I WAS SIMPLY ASKING IF
HE WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME

AND SUGGESTING THAT
IF HE RELAXED...

MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED
PESTERING HIM

LIKE YOU'RE HIS
GREAT AUNT IDA.

EXCUSE ME ONE SECOND.

IT'S CASSANDRA.

( guys talking )

Guy:
WE WERE GOING
TO GUESS IT.

YOU JUST RUINED IT.

IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT, ZOEY?

HE CALLED HER ZOEY.

COME ON, LET'S GO
BACK TO THE TABLE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT'S UP, SAMMY?

ZOEY?

Guy:
EXCUSE ME,
E-EXCUSE ME.

WE'RE TRYING TO BUY
A GIRL A DRINK, MAN.

SHE'S 19 YEARS OLD, MAN.

CHECK OUT SUPERFLY.

HEY.

LET'S GO.

NO. WHY DON'T YOU GO,
ALRIGHT?

GUYS, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHO THIS IS.

YOU DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE,
BE COOL, ALRIGHT?

HEY, I'M
JUST SAYING

I'M LOOKING OUT FOR HER.

YOU JUST WANT ME TO...

BE COOL.

CAN I BUY YOU GUYS A ROUND?

L L COOL J, MAN.

LIKE, ICE-T.

ICE CUBE.

ICE TRAY, MAN.

WHY MUST YOU MOCK

A PERFECTLY NATURAL,
BROTHERLY...

I'M NOT MOCKING IT, JOSH.

MAYBE IF YOU LEFT THE
YOUNG MAN ALONE...

JOSH?

I KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU DO SOME OF
THAT HIP-HOP FOR US, G-FUNK?

DR. HUFFY-PUFFY DRED, MAN.

WOULD YOU LET US BY, PLEASE?

NO. YOU KNOW, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE WITH THIS GIRL, HUH?

HUH? YOU KNOW WHAT?

TO ME,
YOU LOOK TO BE DR. FAGGOT.

HEY. WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

HEY, KISS MY ASS. ZOEY?

I'M FINE.

KISS YOUR WHAT,
FAIRY POPPINS?

CHARLIE?

EVERYTHING'S
FINE.

HEY, YOU WANT
TO GO?

WHAT?
LET'S DO IT.

HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

Guy:
OH, GOOD,
MORE FAIRY BOYS.

EXCUSE ME?

I SAID MORE

FAIRY BOYS.

OH, THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

HEY, I RECOGNIZE THIS GUY.

YEAH, AND SHE
LOOKS FAMILIAR, TOO.

YEAH, UH, YOU GUYS
DON'T REALIZE IT

BUT YOU'RE HAVING A BAD NIGHT.

AND WHO'S GOING
TO GIVE IT TO US, HUH?

FEDERAL OFFICERS!

GET YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!

RIGHT HERE.
RIGHT HERE.

WHAT THE HELL?!
ALRIGHT.

WHOA! WHOA!

Secret Service Agent:
SHUT UP!

I SWEAR TO GOD
I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF.

EVERYBODY STAND BACK.

I AIN'T DONE WITH THIS, SAMMY.

MY NAME IS CHARLIE
YOUNG, JACKASS

AND IF THAT BULGE
IN YOUR POCKET'S AN
EIGHT-BALL OF BLOW

YOU'RE SPENDING SPRING
BREAK IN A FEDERAL PRISON.

Sam:
YEAH.

NOW I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME.

WELL, MY WORK HERE IS DONE.

Bartlet:
WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED.

DID YOU DO ANYTHING AT ALL
TO PROVOKE THESE GUYS?

LIKE WHAT?

WERE YOU FLIRTING WITH THEM?

DAD...

ZOEY, YOU FLIRT WITH GUYS.

YES, DAD,
I AM 19 YEARS OLD.

I WAS NOT FLIRTING
WITH THESE GUYS.

AND EVEN IF I WAS

IT CERTAINLY
WASN'T JUSTIFICATION

FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR.

WHAT WERE
YOU DOING?

I WENT TO THE BAR
TO GET A DRINK.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING DRINKING?

I WAS GETTING A DRINK FOR C.J.

I'M GOING TO UP YOUR PROTECTION.

NO.
YES.

DAD...

STARTING TOMORROW.

I'M STARTING COLLEGE IN A MONTH.

FRIENDS WILL WALK YOU TO CLASS.

I DON'T WANT THIS, DAD.

WE TALKED
ABOUT THIS.

I AM ENTITLED
TO THIS PART OF MY LIFE.

YOU'RE GETTING IT.

I'M ENTITLED TO A NORMAL...

OH, PLEASE!

THE SECRET
SERVICE...

LET THE SECRET
SERVICE WORRY

ABOUT YOU GETTING SHOT.

THEY ARE WORRIED
ABOUT ME GETTING SHOT.

I'M WORRIED
ABOUT ME GETTING SHOT

BUT THAT IS NOTHING COMPARED

TO HOW TERRIFIED
WE ARE OF YOU.

YOU SCARE THE HELL
OUT OF THE SECRET SERVICE, ZOEY

AND YOU SCARE THE HELL
OUT OF ME, TOO.

MY GETTING KILLED
WOULD BE BAD ENOUGH

BUT THAT IS NOT
THE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO.

THE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO,
SWEETHEART

IS YOU
GETTING KIDNAPPED.

YOU GO OUT TO A BAR
OR A PARTY IN SOME CLUB

AND YOU GET UP
TO GO TO THE RESTROOM.

SOMEBODY COMES UP FROM BEHIND

PUTS THEIR HAND
ACROSS YOUR MOUTH

AND WHISKS YOU
OUT THE BACK DOOR.

YOU'RE SO PETRIFIED,
YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE BODIES

OF TWO SECRET SERVICE AGENTS
LYING ON THE GROUND

WITH BULLET HOLES
IN THEIR HEADS.

THEN YOU'RE WHISKED AWAY
IN A CAR.

IT'S A BIG PARTY
WITH LOTS OF NOISE

AND LOTS OF PEOPLE
COMING AND GOING

AND IT'S A HALF HOUR
BEFORE SOMEONE SAYS

"HEY, WHERE'S ZOEY?"

ANOTHER 15 MINUTES

BEFORE
THE PHONE CALL.

ANOTHER HOUR
AND A HALF

BEFORE ANYONE EVEN THINKS

TO SHUT DOWN ALL THE AIRPORTS,
AND NOW WE'RE OFF TO THE RACES.

YOU'RE TIED TO A CHAIR
IN A CARGO SHACK

SOMEWHERE
IN THE MIDDLE OF UGANDA

AND I AM TOLD
THAT I HAVE 72 HOURS

TO GET ISRAEL TO FREE
460 TERRORIST PRISONERS

SO I'M ON THE PHONE PLEADING

WITH THE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER,
AND HE'S SAYING

"I'M SORRY,
MR. PRESIDENT

"BUT ISRAEL
SIMPLY DOES NOT NEGOTIATE

"WITH TERRORISTS, PERIOD.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY
WE CAN SURVIVE."

SO NOW WE GOT A NEW PROBLEM

BECAUSE THIS COUNTRY
NO LONGER HAS

A COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.

IT HAS A FATHER

WHO'S OUT OF HIS MIND
BECAUSE HIS LITTLE GIRL

IS IN A SHACK SOMEWHERE IN
UGANDA WITH A GUN TO HER HEAD!

DO YOU GET IT?!

YES.

( sighing )

I'M SORRY I YELLED, SWEETHEART.

FORGIVE ME.

HONEY,
I WANT YOU

TO HAVE YOUR FREEDOM
AND YOUR YOUTH.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE
COMMON, EVERYDAY EXPERIENCES

WITH GIRLS YOUR OWN AGE,
BUT DON'T EVER FORGET

THIS IS A PRIVILEGE,
AND IT IS AN EXPERIENCE

THAT MUST BE CHERISHED
BEYOND MEASURE

AND PROPER PROTECTION
AND SECURITY--

THOUGH AT TIMES, I ADMIT,
IT'S A DRAG--

IS NEVER
TOO HIGH A PRICE TO PAY.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALRIGHT, SWEETHEART.

IT'S ALRIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

( door closes )

DON'T GET UP.

( door closes )

GOOD EVENING, MR. PRESIDENT.

HI.

UH, BEFORE,
WHEN I WAS BEING AN IDIOT

THERE WAS SOMETHING
I FORGOT TO SAY.

WHAT?

I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU.

I WOULD LIKE UNANIMOUS CONSENT
TO REVISE

AND EXTEND
MY REMARKS.

WITHOUT OBJECTION.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL WAS
THE MATTER WITH ME, LEO.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING
I CAN DO TO HELP...

ANYTHING.

THANKS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I COULD HAVE TAKEN THE
TWO GUYS ON THE LEFT.

THOSE WERE MY GUYS.

WHICH GUYS?

THE GUYS ON THE LEFT.

THE GUYS ON THE LEFT

AS YOU WERE
FACING THE BAR?

YEAH. NO. NO.

SAY YOU'RE ME.

I'M FACING
TOWARD THE BAR...

SANDWICHES.

THANK YOU, DONNA.

DEFENDING VIRTUE
IS HUNGRY WORK.

I'LL BE AT MY DESK.

UH, DONNA?

YES?

HOW MUCH WERE
THE SANDWICHES?

$12.95.

I GAVE YOU A $20.

YES. AS IT TURNS OUT

YOU ACTUALLY GAVE ME
MORE MONEY THAN I NEEDED

TO BUY
WHAT YOU ASKED FOR.

HOWEVER, KNOWING YOU AS I DO

I'M AFRAID I CAN'T TRUST YOU
TO SPEND THE CHANGE WISELY.

I'VE DECIDED
TO INVEST IT FOR YOU.

THAT WAS NICE.

A LITTLE PARABLE.

I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

YEAH, SO, THOSE WERE MY GUYS.

THERE'S THE ONE GUY
WITH BLOND HAIR.

FACING AWAY FROM THE BAR.

THERE WERE NO TWO
GUYS EITHER ONE OF YOU

COULD HAVE
TAKEN.

Bartlet:
JOSH?

YES, SIR?

WHAT WERE YOU DOING TAKING
MY DAUGHTER OUT TO A BAR?

YOU TOLD ME TO, SIR.

I TOLD YOU

TO TAKE CHARLIE.

WHEN ZOEY SAID SHE
WAS GOING, I ASSUMED

YOU WERE GOING TO GO
HAVE MALTEDS OR SOMETHING.

MALTEDS, SIR?

YES.

WHAT IS THIS, OUR TOWN?

WELL, ANYWAY,
THANK YOU FOR DOING

WHATEVER IT WAS YOU DID.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING

BUT, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,
I SHOULD TELL YOU

THAT CHARLIE DIDN'T BLINK
BEFORE HE PUT HIS BODY

BETWEEN DANGER AND ZOEY.

Bartlet:
CHARLIE?

UH, SAM,
YOU COME, TOO, PLEASE.

YOU KNOW, I ONCE PLAYED
THE STAGE MANAGER

IN A PRODUCTION OF OUR TOWN.

CHARLIE.

ARE YOU A GOOD
POKER PLAYER?

NO, SIR.

EXCELLENT. GET YOUR MONEY
AND TAKE A SEAT.

IS JOSH BEING PUNISHED?

PUNISHED? NO.

MAY I ASK

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I
SAID SO.

GOOD EVENING.

GOOD WORK, BOTH OF YOU.

YOU BOUGHT US SOME TIME.

THANK YOU, SIR.

I UNDERSTAND YOU ALL HAD
A VERY INTERESTING EVENING.

YES.

SO DID I.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I MET AN UNUSUAL MAN.

Bartlet:
C.J., DEAL THE CARDS.

Toby:
HE DIDN'T WALK INTO THE ROOM
WITH A POLITICAL AGENDA.

HE DIDN'T WALK IN
WITH HIS MIND MADE UP.

HE GENUINELY WANTED TO DO
WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS BEST.

DIDN'T MIND SAYING THE WORDS
"I DON'T KNOW."

I SAID THAT
THIS MORNING

AND I'M A BETTER
PERSON FOR IT.

BY THE WAY, I NOW
KNOW EVERYTHING

THERE IS TO KNOW
ABOUT THE CENSUS.

GO AHEAD, ASK
ME ANYTHING.

HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE
IN THE UNITED STATES?

THERE IS SOME MATERIAL
WE HAVEN'T COVERED YET.

( laughing )

Josh:
COME ON, TOBY, SIT DOWN.

I JUST WANT TO WATCH THIS.

WE WON IT
40 VOTES AGO.

I JUST WANT TO
HEAR THIS ONE.

Man:
Mr. Widen.

Mr. Widen of Pennsylvania
votes yea.

Mr. Wilder.

Mr. Wilder of South Carolina
votes yea.

Mr. Willis.

Mr. Willis of Ohio votes yea.

Mr. Zantowski.

Mr. Zantowski of Michigan
votes yea.