Original subtitles

Shawn? Shawn Williams?

Kevin...Kevin Book, what's up, yo?

- What's up man? - How you been doin' man?

- How you doin'? - I'm good man, how are you?

Man, I'm great.

Man, I haven't seen you since, uh

you had that summer job busing tables at Pop's.

That's right.

Yeah, man, look at you, look at the suit, man.

- Look at it. - What's going on?

Are you a Jehovah's Witness now?

Oh, I kidding, I kidding. You're going to court.

As a matter of fact, I am.

I'm a big time lawyer now.

Come on, big time.. Get out of here with that.

Man, you're talking to Shaneezy here, fool.

Shaneezy here. You ain't gotta lie to me.

I'm not lying, I'm for real, man.

I owe it all to my family, with their love and support

I can achieve anything I put my mind to.

Well, what about you?

- Who me? - Yeah.

All that talking you did in high school

I know you did somethin' big.

Ah, well, uh, yeah, actually I'm in media now.

Oh, the internet?

Oh, I should have known.

I should've, you got in on a ground floor, didn't you?

- Oh, I'm on the ground floor. - Huh, yeah.

Man, whoever owns this newsstand

does not know how to run a business.

I mean, where is he?

That's what I'm trying to say, bro.

I've been looking for money all day, man, he just ain't around.

He's, this guy, man, is so unreliable, man.

Most people just drop their money off

and he come pick it up later.

- For real? - Yeah.

Hey, Shawn.

Where do you want me to put these?

What are you asking me for?

'Cause, negro, you own a newsstand.

[theme music]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male narrator) Alright, cut and print.

Beautiful, guys. Dynamite.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

(John) 'What's the matter, Shawn? You been kind of quiet.'

Oh, nothing, papa, I-I just been doin' a lotta thinking, man.

Um, Pop, would you say I was a success?

No.

But you're still a young man, son.

Plus, there's been a lot of success stories

in the William's family already.

Really? Like who?

What are you talking about, man?

Uncle Charles, biggest pimp in Detroit.

'Til that whore turned him in.

Now, he's the biggest sissy at Jackson State Prison.

- Eh, guess what, everybody. - What's up?

I just went to an audition and I got it.

I'm gonna be the Blackhead in the Clearasil commercial.

Oh, ho, ho.

See that Shawn? Another success story.

Your brother's gonna be a blackhead.

Hey, man, hey, congratulations, kid.

I'm really happy for your success, kid.

I'm really happy for you, buddy. You hear me?

I'm glad to see you doing what you want to do.

Come on, be nice for papi...chulo.

Yes, baby, all four.

One, two, three, four. Free parking. Ha-ha.

Oh, that's perfect. Free parking for the free-loader.

Whatever.

Come on dice, act nice.

Aha-ha.

Alright.

I passed "Go", Dee, give me my $200.

I know what are you gonna do with that money

going straight to liquor store, huh?

Fellow, I'm a social drinker.

I might get myself a little taste every now and then

to keep the wolf off my back.

Shawn, we are here for a friendly game of Monopoly.

Why are you snappin' on everybody?

Mind your own business, shower-curtain shirt.

Yo, son, you act like you're kind of angry.

Yeah, I-I am angry. I'm tired of this family.

Wh-what are you saying, son?

I'm saying that if you were a better role model to us

I'd be a lot more successful than I am today.

What are you talking about?

I've been the perfect role model.

- Perfect! - Oh, yeah?

Why don't you take your brittle butt back to the cornfield

and give the scarecrow a lunch-break?

Wait, wait.

I ain't no scared of you, you old bag.

I just had my Tetanus shot.

- Oh, wait, wait. - You want some of this?

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Are you set trippin' off the bin here?

Wait a minute, no, no, are you set..

You better check yourself

before you wreck yourself.

[screaming]

(Marlon) 'Move to the right, move to the left, move to the right.'

Shake it so hard, you bust a light.

You know me, first thing in the morning.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Hey you, lookie here.

And it is not just you, Pops.

If Marlon wasn't so stupid maybe I can spend more time

concentrating on my career.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm not stupid, alright?

You give me one example where I did something stupid.

Hey, if I was you since I know they want me back

I would sweeten my deal with some perks.

Like a dressing room.

And what's wrong with my dressing room?

It's the men's room.

It wasn't that bad.

The dressing room ain't for you it's for your ego.

Shawn, where am I gonna get a bird?

Especially an eagle.

You're stupid.

Don't you know they're distinct?

You should watch some Discovery Channel, brother.

♪ Will Jesus come ♪

♪ Will Jesus come ♪

[continues singing]

♪ Will Jesus come ♪

♪ Will Jesus come ♪

[squealing]

Somebody say they need a job?

Yo, back it up, kiss myself.

I left the trail of jelly bean leading back to the cabin.

What happened to it?

You mean these?

Ask me what's the capital of Detroit.

Boy, Detroit is not even a state.

When did they change that?

Man, them Australians be trippin'.

My manicurist said that McKay has been seen

with a different woman each day of the week.

Eight different women?

Oh, he keep that up he going to catch a DVD, yo.

You know what you always say, when the tough gets going

you gotta kill two birds with one stone.

I got brains and plenty of 'em too.

Look here, I'm not the only one

that makes stupid mistakes, alright?

You have made a lot of mistakes yourself, mister.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Condition number one, he's gonna need a limo driver.

And he's gonna need a king size bag of green M & Ms.

Alright, then fine, fine.

We'll discuss the perks after the money.

- Five thousands dollars? - Oh, take it. Take it.

- Well, you better take it. - Are you crazy?

Hey, Spike Lee movies pay more than that.

You better double it. Take it or leave it.

We'll take it. Hello, we'll take it Stock 69, w-we'll take it.

You call this acting gig?

Hey, man, I had to make a lot of phone calls

to get you this gig, okay?

Do you know that Sidney Poitier started of as a yam?

Oh, I was just checkin' out my new faculty.

Yes, well, you can cut the act now, Ben While.

Whatever you name is. You couldn't fool me.

You think I couldn't see best that fake Chinese accent?

That bad make up?

What's this?

- Hey, yo. - A note.

- Oh-h. - Wait, wait, yo.

That's just some of my funky fresh lyrics

that I was kicking to Roxanne.

Right, light-skin?

Then you won't mind sharing it

with the rest of the class.

Come on up here and read it, Williams.

"Ode To Roxanne

"Your love is good

"so good it makes me afraid.

"I wanna drink your love.

Like a cup of...red Kool-Aid."

[laughing]

Who the hell is stupid enough to live with you?

I mean, besides me.

Oh, ah, oh, stop.

They just care about your size.

You push them off and ran off like a little biyatch.

Hey, what's up, mama?

Aye.

He-he, he-he.

Neither one of you is the brightest bulb on the marquee.

[Pops howling]

It's your drinking.

You're trying to cover up that smelly old feet.

You smell like Vienna sausages.

[blowing whistle]

What is going on here?

Don't make me use my pepper spray.

You know what, if I ever gonna make anything out of myself

I gotta get away from this ignorant family.

[instrumental music]

- Move, move. - You move, move, your arm.

- I was here first. - See, you played your--

- Get over. - Alright.

Uh, excuse me, Tacky.

But if you knew anything about me

you'd know I like crackers with my soup.

And I like them crumbled.

See, you made 'em into sand.

Hey, guys.

- Peace out. - Go to hell.

You know whenever my family used to fight

my mother made us use the penalty cup.

Yeah, Dee, but your family is crazy.

Every time somebody says something nasty

you have to put a dollar in the cup.

Hey, well, I don't have a problem with that.

But this broke bum over here probably couldn't afford it.

- You see? - Ah, Shawn.

That'll cost you a dollar.

- Ha-ha, ha-ha. - You just told me the rule.

Yeah, who's a bum now?

- That's everything he made. - Thank you.

[Marlon slurping]

[Marlon gargling]

[Marlon burping]

Oh, fuff, man.

Your breath stinks, man. Did you brush your teeth?

Yeah, I used Abe.

Smells like you missed.

I'll have to agree with Shawn on that.

Well, I have to agree with Ma. You're ugly.

- Oh, yeah? - 'Yeah.'

Then I don't feel so bad about buying your mom with all those

cool cigarettes, when she was pregnant with you, Ugly Junior.

- Ugly Junior, ha-ha. - Ha-ha.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Wait you know what's funny?

I guess she was smoking unsuccessful cigarettes

when she was pregnant with you.

Oh, yeah?

At least when I lost my virginity

I didn't have to pay for it.

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

That's not fair, cause she gave me a discount.

No, no, no.

Wait a minute.

Will you finally stop it?

You're scaring my paying customers.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe they won't be payin'

if they knew you put

pigeon in your chicken pot pie.

Oh.

[yelling]

Stop it!

God! You're all sick. You need a psychiatrist.

Okay, come on in, guys and take a seat.

Now, your problems can't be that bad.

- I got here first. - I came first.

Show me some respect.

Excuse me. Gentlemen.

[yelling]

Hey, yo, chill out!

Before we begin, uh

have you had any family therapy in the past?

Well, one time we did see someone

who was an expert at getting people together

to work out their problems.

Remember?

Okay, lets meet Shawn and Marlon Williams.

(both) Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Hey, everybody, those're my boys up there.

Those are my boys, those are my boys.

Ain't nobody tryin' to steal your girl, man.

Al that happened was, she lost the keys

to the apartment and I tried to help her get back in.

You're crazy.

Hey, look, don't be calling me crazy, alright?

Because I'm not crazy.

I hate when people call me crazy.

Oh, sure.

You don't call me, nobody calling me crazy.

Hey, Jerry, tell him stop calling me crazy

before I go crazy.

Shawn, uh, please refrain from calling him crazy.

Man, I [beep] her.

[crowd cheering]

[beeping]

Man, you [beep] don't be cussin' at me!

[beeping]

Hey, hey, hey.

I told him 'bout callin' me crazy.

[crowd cheering]

I don't think that "The Jerry Springer Show"

qualifies as therapy.

Now, w-why don't we express our true feelings?

(female #1) 'Marlon, you go first.'

Well, my true feelings are..

...I think you're pretty and you got a big ol' booty

and I'd love to hit it.

This whole psychiatry thing is whack.

Don't you be talking to her that way.

- She is a doctor. - Ah.

Don't beat me, please don't beat me.

I have never laid a hand on you, boy.

Shawn, have I ever touched you, boy?

Not the face! Ah! Not the face.

I'm not gonna take this abuse.

Apparently, Mr. Williams, your sons are afraid of you.

Are you an abusive parent?

Nonsense. I have never laid hand on these boys.

Mama.

[whip cracking]

You ain't gonna die, I'mma kill you.

Hey, man, what the hell is wrong with you?

[clamoring]

I'll let my belt do the talkin'.

[screaming]

Like I told you, I have never laid a hand on them.

I always use my belt.

I think we're getting off track.

Now, Marlon, how do you feel about your brother?

Well..

...I don't like the way he is always calling me a..

Why don't you show some respect, man, like me?

You stupid little punk.

What do you think about self-respect, stupid?

Shawn, lookie here.

The girls are sendin' me their panty drawers, brother.

That's my laundry, stupid.

- By the leader of the divine-- - Oh, shut up, stupid.

Angel has had her own Million Man March.

Oh, she's a politician?

Look, stupid, she's a whore.

- Alright, alright. - Aye, stupid!

Smack me.

- Oh, oh. - Hey.

[slapping]

Oh, shut up.

[smacking]

Shawn, it seems like you have a lot of anger.

Ain't nobody angry!

You know what, don't mind him.

He just mad 'cause he thinks he's a failure.

Alright, well, maybe that's true.

But if I feel like a failure, it's only because of my family.

Well, how you feel that your family's let you down?

They're always lettin' me down. Always!

Like the time I loaned Marlon money and he never paid it back

to me so I had to take a job at Afro Burger.

Just give me fifteen number threes.

Fifteen number threes, got it.

I got you. 15 number threes.

[car honks]

Yeah, Shawn, but when your little brother found out

he went out his way to support you.

Oh, yeah?

What about the time that I was getting busy

with that girl in that cabin

and you got lost in the woods, so I had to go find you.

Yeah, but when we finally did find him

we finally got a chance to bond.

I know me and Marlon been really busy lately..

...but, tell you the truth

I mean we love coming into the diner

and hangin' out with you.

Just listening to all your crazy stories

and getting advice from you.

Yeah, Pop, and singing

and making fun of your customers

and cracking your safe.

You tried to crack my safe?

The point is, we didn't need to come up here

to bond with you, Pop.

We love you, man, we hang with you every day.

[Sly and The Family Stone singing"A Family Affair"]

♪ One child grows up to be ♪

♪ Somebody that just loves to learn yeah ♪

♪ Another child grows up to be ♪

♪ Somebody you just love to burn ♪

♪ It's a family affair ♪

♪ It's a family affair ♪♪

Yeah, I guess it did turn out to be a pretty good experience.

Well, it seems to me that a lot of the things which you remember

is negative actually had happy ending.

You guys must have had some pretty good times.

Yeah, good times.

[instrumental music]

Supermarkets have finally put pork rinds on sale.

[yelling]

[cheering]

Did someone say pork rind?

Hey, hey, everybody. Hey, everybody.

It doesn't matter if I'm black or white

I'mma make a difference 'cause I'm Kid..

Dynamite!

(Pop) 'Good times.'

We've had some great time together.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Ow!

[music continues]

[Marlon screaming]

♪ What's that sound echo in the night ♪

♪ The sound I hear when I'm holding you tight ♪

♪ Holding you tight ♪

♪ It's my bell baby you just rang ♪

♪ It's my love going bang bang bang ♪

♪ When my love goes bang bang bang ♪

♪ You better run for cover you sweet little thing ♪

♪ When my love goes bang bang bang ♪

♪ It's gonna be you and me again ♪♪

[applause]

That's my boy, everybody. That's my son.

Lookie there, that's my son.

That is correct.

- Yes. - Yes!

We won, we won.

We won! We won! We won!

We-e-e won!

♪ Bang bang bang do that thing ♪

♪ Bang bang bang do that thing ♪

♪ Bang bang bang do that thing ♪

♪ Bang bang bang do that thing ♪

♪ Go, Pop Pop, go, Pop Pop.. ♪♪

All the greats played here.

Mickey Mantle, Babe Ruth, Reggie Jackson

Sly and The Family Stone..

Every time I come here somethin' just comes all over me.

Huh, I feel it already.

Come on, boy. Let's start the wave.

Hey, hey, man. Hey. hey, hey.

No, not like that, nobody's waving at me.

[heartbeat thumping]

Yes!

[instrumental music]

I-I just think you guys are a-a loving, caring

if somewhat dysfunctional...family.

Now, I'll leave you all to talk alone.

You know what, y'all?

I was trippin'.

I mean, now that I look back, I have a great family.

And I can't blame any of you guys

for the problems I have today. I'm sorry.

Shawn, the only reason I haven't put on a pressure on you

because I didn't want you to ruin your life chasing money.

I want you to enjoy life.

You know, stop and smell the roses.

Yeah, and I'm...sorry for being a burden to you, kid.

I mean, I guess I just act irresponsibly

'cause I know you got my back.

Well, that and it's cheaper to mooch.

Well, we may not be perfect.

We may fight all the time.

We may not have much.

- Yeah? - Yeah?

That's it.

I guess what you're trying to say, Pops, is that..

...we belong together.

Mm, yeah. Yeah, that's right.

[laughing]

Now, let me tell you somethin'

you, funny-lookin' egg-head

three time GED-taker!

Three times. Aha!

You took it three times and failed it. Ha!

And you...sweet lips.

Pretty boy..

...player..

...macaron-ye!

"I can't get my life together"

'Crusty-ass fool!'

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say "cheese".