Original subtitles

Mm, Pops, that lady forgot her goldfish. Miss!

Wait a minute, Dee. What're you doing?

I can use these in my seafood sampler.

You are ghetto.

Pops, this is worse than the time you ran out

of glazed doughnuts and put Vaseline on the plain ones.

Hey, what's up, Pops? What's goin' on, baby boy?

- Represent, represent.. - Come on, man, stop it.

What's wrong with you?

Yo, Pops, can I borrow your car tonight?

Again?

Son, I can't be puttin' all those miles

on that beautiful car, man.

It'd hurt my resale value.

Negro, your car's got more miles on it than the space shuttle.

I thought you could get your own car.

I'm tryin' to, but I'm a li'l low on funds.

Alright, here.

Now, if the brakes fail, pump it a couple of times.

If that don't work, I have a helmet

and two mouthpieces in the back seat.

Hm, so, Shawn..

...why do you want a car, you got a hot date?

- Maybe. - Oh, who's it with?

- Nobody you know. - Oh, where you goin'?

- Nowhere. - Oh, then why you need the car?

Why you all in my business?

Mind your business, get away from me, you nosy.

I am not nosy, I just wanna.. Oh.

- See that girl over there? - Mm-hmm.

Know what, she work in a copy room.

I hear she has to find a husband

or else she'll get deported.

- What? - Deported? What did she do?

Her visa expired.

Oh, man, you mean, they throw you outta the country

if your Visa expires?

Pish.. I'm switchin' to American Express, yo.

Hm, that poor girl

I hear she is desperate to find a husband.

She would do anything.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

Then she'd lemme spank her with wet baloney slices?

People are crazy.

You know, you have to take marriage seriously.

Unh-unh, that's a lifetime commitment, right, Pops?

Oh, don't remind me.

Look, I personally think people should

get married for important reasons.

Like sex.

Or if somebody got a shotgun to your head.

- Exactly. - Actually you know what?

I'm with Dee on this one.

I think marriage is a sacred act

and it shouldn't be taken lightly.

That is very very true.

'Cause lemme tell you somethin..'

She..

She is willing to pay

$10,000 to buy a husband.

Now, that's just wrong, uh-huh, right, Shawn?

Now, that's $10,000 US currency, right?

I don't wanna see Nelson Mandela on my money.

[theme music]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Gimme a high-five ♪♪

(male #1) Alright, cut and print.

Beautiful, guys, dynamite.

[instrumental music]

Alright.. so it is all settled.

2:30 at the courthouse, tomorrow.

(female #1) 'Yes, thank you.'

I don't have a ring but

you have to wear this temporarily.

Uh, Shawn, did you forget something?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Don't forget to bring a cashier's check

and two pieces of ID.

No, I meant wouldn't you like

to introduce us to your new friend?

Oh, actually, y'all, this is my new fiancee.

We're getting married tomorrow.

- Uh, this is Dee. Dee, Famali. - Hi.

Famali, this is Marlon and Pops.

- Howdy do? - It is so nice to meet you.

- Oh, wow! I love your accent. - Thank you.

Lemme guess...Irish.

No, it is a Contresian.

Oh, that must be one of those new countries over in Atlanta.

Don't pay no attention to Marlon.

His mama smoked a lot of cools when she was pregnant.

Well, I better go now.

I've to cancel my airline tickets to Nonpek.

- Okay. - Oh, congratulations.

Mwah, oh, oh, I love you sister-in-law.

Bye, sister-in-law, bye.

Welcome to the family.

Negro, have you lost your mind? What's wrong with you, man?

You can't get-you're gettin' married tomorrow?

Marlon, look, I know exactly what you gonna say, okay?

I don't know the girl and I'm rushin' into things.

I don't wanna say that.

I'm plannin' your bachelor party, man, the strippers.

Look, you know Passion need time

to find a babysitter for her six kids.

Besides, her bullet wound ain't healed yet, Shawn.

Your priorities is off, Shawn.

Marlon, look, none of that's gonna even go down, okay?

This is strictly a business transaction, okay?

I do this, I'mma get some money so I can buy me a car.

Shawn, how could you?

Look, Dee, I don't feel a 100 percent right about it, okay?

But I think I'm doin' this girl a favor.

You know, there's a big civil war goin' on in her country?

There's more violence happenin' out there

than at "The Jerry Springer Show".

Hm, well, I don't see no good comin' outta this.

No, I don't know about that, now, Dee.

Same thing happened to my friend Elroy.

This crazy Hungarian woman paid him $5000 to marry her

so she can stay in this country.

And when she got a citizenship, they got annulment.

Oh, what happened to the crazy Hungarian woman?

Well, she couldn't speak any English so she got

a good job at the DMV.

Well, you just better make sure that this isn't any kinda scam.

- I know, I know. - Good idea, son.

Get yourself a prenuptial agreement

for your own protection.

Protection? Pop, he's gonna be married.

He's gonna be goin' in raw. Ha ha!

[instrumental music]

Hey, Pop, I can't believe Shawn is married.

Yeah, for a fake marriage

the ceremony was beautiful.

Well, if it isn't the newly-weds.

I'd like to thank you all for comin' down

to the courthouse with us yesterday.

It was our pleasure.

Oh, well, you know, I had to be

there down anyway for that

alleged peepin' tom charge.

They're trippin'.

Shawn, I never really had the chance

to thank you for everything that you've done.

Ah, don't worry about it, girl.

Uh, you can thank me in the back seat of my brand new jeep.

I am serious.

[imitating Famali] I'mserious

No, no, I mean not many people would have done what you did.

What you did was noble.

In my country, they would call you Benpo..

[clicking tongue]

Why don't you just call me [click] Shawn?

And less spit involved.

Hey, what does this mean?

[beat boxing]

How dare you say my breath smells like goat sex?

Oh-oh, my bad. I meant zebra sex.

Well, excuse me.

I'm lookin' for Mr. and Mrs. Shawn Williams.

Uh, uh, that's us.

I'm Mr. Moore from immigration services.

I'm here to validate the legitimacy of your marriage.

For what?

Yes, I mean, our marriage

is just as real as anyone else's.

Yeah, I'll prove it to you.

Oh, well, that's all well and good.

But for the next six months

I'm gonna be checkin' up on you at your home

and if I find out this is a scam

she's gonna be on the first plane outta here

and you're gonna be in jail.

See you around. Oh, and congratulations.

Thanks a lot, doc.

Well, no, Shawn, what are we going to do?

I guess the only way we can fool this man is to live together.

Hm, but I can't ask you to do that.

Yeah, you're right about that. I got my check.

- Hey, Marlon. - What's up, man?

Yo, kid, what color car should I get?

Candy apple red or Champagne?

(Marlon) 'Uh, get the red, brother. The ladies love it.'

I can't do this. Hang on a second, Famali.

Why don't you just come live with us for a couple of months?

Really? Oh, really thank you, thank you.

I have to go get the rest of my belongings.

- Thank you. - 'You're welcome.'

Shawn, are you crazy?

You can't invite a perfect stranger into our home.

Why not? You do it every pay check.

Yeah, well, they only stay ten minutes.

Look, Marlon, there's nothin' I can do, okay?

You heard that guy, if we get busted

she gets kicked outta the country and I go to jail.

Besides how bad could it be?

[goat bleating]

Why don't you just come stay at our place?

Uh, come on, Marlon, it ain't that ba-a-a-ad.

Just a li'l more crowded than usual, that's all.

Alright, that is the end of it.

Right. Well, thank you guys for helpin' her move in.

Um, oh, snap, this is fly.

What's this, Kunta Kana?

Li'l ashy, bro.

Alright, well, uh, see you guys later, take care.

Oh, no, Shawn, this is my family.

Uh-huh, this is Uncle Shakan

my brother Polay

'Grandma Buku'

and Mirin.

They will be living with us.

[instrumental music]

Hey, what's, uh, Mirin doin' at the window?

(Famali) 'Oh, he is hunting.'

You see, in our culture we must always eat fresh meat.

[dog yelping]

(male #2) 'Damn, you shot my dog.'

'I'm gonna come up there and throw you a beat.'

Uh, lets get back to studyin', girl.

Okay, so remember, Famali..

...we're gonna have to know everything about each other

if we're gonna convince Mr. Moore our marriage is real.

I know, Shawn. We've been over this one hundred times before.

Your favorite movie is "Scarface".

- Your favorite food is Italian. - True that.

You are allergic to strawberries.

And the first time you had sex, you lasted two minutes.

- I never told you that. - No, Marlon did.

Well, that ain't true, alright, her watch was just fast.

[screaming]

What's wrong with granny?

She got gas?

Hey, hey, hey, well, what's with all the drummin', man?

Come on, now, first y'all take over my living room

and now a brother can't watch the Spice channel in peace.

Come on, hey, hey, would you stop the drums?

You're throwin' my rhythm off, man.

Hey, look, Marlon

I-I didn't expect this either, okay

but in their culture the whole family must live together.

Hey, look, you gotta get Paul Simon's backup singers

the hell out of my house.

[screams]

Oh, man, oh, these underwears are cutting me.

- I gotta get outta here. Ow! - 'Wait, Marlon.'

[Marlon grunts]

Marlon, don't be like this, man.

Look, let's just, let's-let's just

do the best we can, okay?

Alright.

Oh, my God. I've a pounding headache.

[groans]

- Shawn, my neck. - Alright, alright, alright.

Alright, alright. Why don't you just relax, kid?

Why don't you go down to Pops' diner and just chill

and we'll talk about this whole thing later on, alright?

What the hell happened to my jacket?

I am so sorry. The ritual drum needed a new hide.

Look, Famali, I'm tryin' to look out for you, girl

but you're takin' it too far

cuttin' up people jackets and stuff and..

Hey, man, will you guys stop with this drums, man?

Oh, no, Shawn, no.

This is an important sacred ritual.

Today Mirin becomes a man.

You see, the drums represent his heartbeat.

And if the drumming stops, so does his heart.

Man, get outta here with that, man.

Give me these drums, man. Stop it.

Killed him.

[singing tribal song]

Uh-huh, yeah.

Alright, alright, thanks a lot. Thanks, Dee, bye.

Yo, Dee's friend from the INS

said Mr. Moore is on his way over here right now.

Oh, I am so nervous.

Will you relax, girl, okay?

By now we know each other so well

we should be able to finish each other's..

Sandwiches, eh?

Sentences. Maybe we better go over this a couple more times.

Right.

- Hey, what a do? - 'What's up, Marlon?'

Hey, what happened to Zulu nation?

[laughs]

Uh, they got homesick

so Pop took them to see some wild animals.

Oh, word, they went down to the zoo?

- Nah, to see Def Jam. - Oh, alright.

[knock on door]

Alright, that's Mr. Moore right now.

Alright, everybody, now act natural.

Act natural, Marlon.

- Hey. - Oh, my God.

Look who's here. It's the INS man.

- Oh! - Come on in.

Me and my wife who I love so very very very much

did not know you was even comin' over.

Uh, what is your name again?

Shawn, Mr. Moore, dummy. Tsk..

You just said his name right before he walked in the door.

Yeah, thanks a lot, stupid.

Now, why don't you go over in the room

and watch "Sixty Minutes"?

Hey, well, I'll see y'all in two hours.

Mr. Moore, pleasure to meet you.

Word up, son? Keep it real.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Keep your eye..

[indistinct]

Alright, let's get started here.

Uh, can you show me where the scissors are?

Eh...scissors?

Yeah, you live here, don't you?

You should know where your scissors are.

Girl, you.. The scissors, come on, now.

Of course, of course.

At present I see him dance. How are you, son?

You do not seem very familiar with your kitchen.

Hm.

Oh, oh, oh, but it's all my fault.

It's all my fault, wifey be tellin' me all the time, man.

She tell me all the time about misplacing things.

I hate that.

- Bad husband. Bad. - Yes, very bad.

I-I, I-I hate when I do that

and you know what else I found myself doin'

leavin' the toilet seat up.

Then while we come to bed our both booty be all wet.

Smell like 2000 flushes.

But I love you anyway.

[laughs] Likewise.

Alright, that's enough of that.

What hand does she write with?

Uh, whatever hand that pen's in.

[laughs] Joke. Um, her left hand.

When her right hand is broken.

And how much does she weigh?

Come on, man, you know it ain't polite

to ask a woman her weight.

I know, that's why I asked you.

You probably don't even know how much your own wife weighs.

Two hundred and eighty six pounds.

Man, that ain't no wife, that's a truck.

Well, anyway, uh, my wife weighs about 150.

- One-fifty? - Well-well, 160.

Are you crazy?

What-what I meant was, you-you know..

No, what you meant is you think I am fat, right?

No, not fat, fit.

Oh, now you're saying that I shouldn't try

to squeeze myself into a size four, eh?

(Shawn) 'I didn't say any of that.'

'What you twistin' my words around for?'

Oh, so now I'm a liar too.

I'm just a big old fat liar to you.

What? Ain't.. You know, we gotta go talk in private.

[clicking tongue]

Stop mocking my language.

I am so tired of you making fun of my family.

And I'm tired of your family stinkin' up my apartment.

They got my house smellin' like Customs at the airport.

Oh, and what about Marlon, eh?

I don't like the way he looks at my goat.

Don't talk about my brother.

[click] you.

Look, hey, you know what, I think

you came at a bad time, man.

I think you should come back another time.

This girl is trippin'.

No, there's no need, there's no need.

When I first got here I was convinced

this marriage was a scam

but after listening to you two

you sound just like my wife and me.

Ah, I-I'm convinced.

Your citizenship will be approved.

Thank you, Mr. Moore.

No problem. I better, better get going.

Looks like you two got a lot of makin' up to do.

Right.

Say, before I leave..

...what is that smell?

(both) Goat sex.

[both laughing]

- Oh, we did it. - Yes.

- I'm going to be a citizen. - Yes, you are.

Hey, hey, look, Famali, I'm really really sorry

about all the stuff I said about your family

but I was-I was just, I was gettin' frustrated, you know.

Oh, I like the way you asserted yourself.

In my culture, the man is always dominant.

Wow, Ike Turner must be a legend.

I want to thank you again, Shawn.

I don't know what I would have done without you.

Well, I better go find my family so they can move my things.

Wait a minute, Famali

you know what, I think you should take this.

Why are you giving me my money back? We had a deal.

I know, but I just don't feel right.

I don't think you should have to pay for your freedom.

Besides, I mean, you're gonna need the money

to find your new apartment for you and your goats

and your aunties and uncles.

You know, I am so lucky to have found you.

You know, Shawn, we make a pretty good couple, eh?

[imitating Famali] Yeah, eh. I think we do, girl.

I think we do. And I think you're really cool.

But I think we did things backwards.

If it's gonna work

you'll have to get the marriage annulled

then we start datin'.

I'd like it.

[imitating Famali] Now, you come over here

and give ya future ex-husband..

...a kiss.

Ow!

(Famali) 'Mirin, stop playing.'

- Yeah. - Stupid.

I'll put my [click] in your ass.

This ain't the Wa kingdom.

Hey, Pop, I don't know what it is

but I just can't seem to stop workin'.

Well, slow down a second and try this new recipe

I got from Famali's grandmother.

Okay.

Does that possum taste like chicken?

Yeah.

Good, that's all I need to know.

(Marlon) Okay.

(Dee) 'Shawn.'

Are you still going out with Famali?

Uh, well, we went out on a few dates

after we got our marriage annulled, but, you know

she left me a message on my answering machine

tellin' me she's goin' back to her country.

Oh, that's too bad. You really missed out.

Missed out? What do you mean?

You haven't read the paper?

Apparently her father is a king.

What?

You mean, as in royalty king

or like Don King got a nappy hair brother?

Come on, Dee, you know how it is

in those poverty-stricken countries.

The king is always the one with the ashiest elbows

and the most flies around them.

Uh-huh, I mean her father's

the fifth wealthiest man in the world.

Marlon, watch the newsstand.

Hey, hold on, hold on, whe-whe-where you going?

I'm gonna get my wife back.

Hey, how do you get to Contresia?

Oh, when you get to Puerto Rico, you make a right.

-Gracias, - Okay.

[Dee laughing]

And, Dee, this voodoo stuff is just stupid.

Killed him.

[indistinct singing]

(Shawn) 'Look up, Marlon, say cheese.'