All language subtitles for The.Wayans.Bros.S05E12_English

Mm, Pops, that lady forgot
her goldfish. Miss!

Wait a minute, Dee.
What're you doing?

I can use these
in my seafood sampler.

You are ghetto.

Pops, this is worse
than the time you ran
out

of glazed doughnuts and put
Vaseline on the plain ones.

Hey, what's up, Pops?
What's goin' on, baby boy?

- Represent, represent..
- Come on, man, stop it.

What's wrong with you?

Yo, Pops, can I borrow
your car tonight?

Again?

Son, I can't be puttin'
all those miles

on that beautiful car, man.

It'd hurt my resale value.

Negro, your car's got more
miles
on it than the space shuttle.

I thought you could
get your own car.

I'm tryin' to,
but I'm a li'l low on
funds.

Alright, here.

Now, if the brakes fail,
pump it a couple of times.

If that don't work,
I have a helmet

and two mouthpieces
in the back seat.

Hm, so, Shawn..

...why do you want a car,
you got a hot date?

- Maybe.
- Oh, who's it with?

- Nobody you know.
- Oh, where you goin'?

- Nowhere.
- Oh, then why you need the
car?

Why you all in my business?

Mind your business,
get away from me, you
nosy.

I am not nosy,
I just wanna.. Oh.

- See that girl over there?
- Mm-hmm.

Know what, she work
in a copy room.

I hear she has
to find a husband

or else she'll get deported.

- What?
- Deported? What did she do?

Her visa expired.

Oh, man, you mean,
they throw you outta the
country

if your Visa expires?

Pish.. I'm switchin'
to American Express, yo.

Hm, that poor girl

I hear she is desperate
to find a husband.

She would do anything.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

Then she'd lemme spank her
with wet baloney slices?

People are crazy.

You know, you have
to take marriage seriously.

Unh-unh, that's a lifetime
commitment, right, Pops?

Oh, don't remind me.

Look, I personally think
people should

get married
for important reasons.

Like sex.

Or if somebody got
a shotgun to your head.

- Exactly.
- Actually you know what?

I'm with Dee
on this one.

I think marriage
is a sacred act

and it shouldn't
be taken lightly.

That is very very true.

'Cause lemme
tell you somethin..'

She..

She is willing to pay

$10,000 to buy a husband.

Now, that's just wrong,
uh-huh, right, Shawn?

Now, that's $10,000
US currency, right?

I don't wanna see
Nelson Mandela on my money.

[theme music]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're
singin'
and we're colored ♪

♪ Gimme a high-five ♪♪

(male #1)
Alright, cut and print.

Beautiful, guys, dynamite.

[instrumental music]

Alright..
so it is all settled.

2:30 at the courthouse,
tomorrow.

(female #1)
'Yes, thank you.'

I don't have a ring but

you have to wear
this temporarily.

Uh, Shawn,
did you forget
something?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Don't forget to bring
a cashier's check

and two pieces of ID.

No, I meant wouldn't you like

to introduce us
to your new
friend?

Oh, actually, y'all,
this is my new fiancee.

We're getting married tomorrow.

- Uh, this is Dee. Dee,
Famali.
- Hi.

Famali, this is Marlon
and Pops.

- Howdy do?
- It is so nice to meet you.

- Oh, wow! I love your
accent.
- Thank you.

Lemme guess...Irish.

No, it is a Contresian.

Oh, that must be one of those
new countries over in Atlanta.

Don't pay no attention
to Marlon.

His mama smoked a lot of cools
when she was pregnant.

Well, I better go now.

I've to cancel my airline
tickets to Nonpek.

- Okay.
- Oh, congratulations.

Mwah, oh, oh,
I love you sister-in-law.

Bye, sister-in-law, bye.

Welcome to the family.

Negro, have you lost your mind?
What's wrong with you, man?

You can't get-you're gettin'
married tomorrow?

Marlon, look, I know
exactly
what you gonna say, okay?

I don't know the girl
and I'm rushin' into
things.

I don't wanna say that.

I'm plannin' your bachelor
party, man, the strippers.

Look, you know Passion need time

to find a babysitter
for her six kids.

Besides, her bullet wound
ain't healed yet, Shawn.

Your priorities is off, Shawn.

Marlon, look, none of
that's
gonna even go down, okay?

This is strictly
a business transaction, okay?

I do this, I'mma get some money
so I can buy me a car.

Shawn, how could you?

Look, Dee, I don't feel a 100
percent right about it, okay?

But I think I'm doin'
this girl a favor.

You know, there's a big civil
war goin' on in her country?

There's more
violence
happenin' out there

than at
"The Jerry Springer
Show".

Hm, well, I don't see no good
comin' outta this.

No, I don't know
about that, now, Dee.

Same thing happened
to my friend Elroy.

This crazy Hungarian woman paid
him $5000 to marry her

so she can stay in this country.

And when she got a
citizenship,
they got annulment.

Oh, what happened
to the crazy Hungarian woman?

Well, she couldn't speak
any English so she got

a good job at the DMV.

Well, you just better make sure
that this isn't any kinda scam.

- I know, I know.
- Good idea, son.

Get yourself
a prenuptial agreement

for your own protection.

Protection?
Pop, he's gonna be
married.

He's gonna be goin' in raw.
Ha ha!

[instrumental music]

Hey, Pop, I can't
believe
Shawn is married.

Yeah, for a fake marriage

the ceremony was beautiful.

Well, if it isn't
the newly-weds.

I'd like to thank
you all
for comin' down

to the courthouse
with us yesterday.

It was our pleasure.

Oh, well, you know, I had to be

there down anyway for that

alleged peepin' tom charge.

They're trippin'.

Shawn, I never
really
had the chance

to thank you for
everything
that you've done.

Ah, don't worry about it, girl.

Uh, you can thank me in the
back seat of my brand new jeep.

I am serious.

[imitating Famali]
I'mserious

No, no, I mean not many people
would have done what you did.

What you did was noble.

In my country,
they would call you
Benpo..

[clicking tongue]

Why don't you just
call me [click] Shawn?

And less spit involved.

Hey, what does this mean?

[beat boxing]

How dare you say my breath
smells like goat sex?

Oh-oh, my bad.
I meant zebra sex.

Well, excuse me.

I'm lookin' for
Mr. and Mrs. Shawn
Williams.

Uh, uh, that's us.

I'm Mr. Moore
from immigration
services.

I'm here to validate
the legitimacy of your
marriage.

For what?

Yes, I mean, our marriage

is just as real
as anyone else's.

Yeah, I'll prove it to you.

Oh, well, that's all
well
and good.

But for the next six months

I'm gonna be checkin' up on you
at your home

and if I find out this is a scam

she's gonna be on
the first plane outta
here

and you're gonna be in jail.

See you around.
Oh, and
congratulations.

Thanks a lot, doc.

Well, no, Shawn,
what are we going to do?

I guess the only way we can
fool
this man is to live together.

Hm, but I can't ask you
to do that.

Yeah, you're right about
that.
I got my check.

- Hey, Marlon.
- What's up, man?

Yo, kid, what color
car
should I get?

Candy apple red or Champagne?

(Marlon)
'Uh, get the red, brother.
The ladies love it.'

I can't do this.
Hang on a second, Famali.

Why don't you just come live
with us for a couple of
months?

Really?
Oh, really thank you, thank
you.

I have to go get the
rest
of my belongings.

- Thank you.
- 'You're welcome.'

Shawn, are you crazy?

You can't invite a perfect
stranger into our home.

Why not?
You do it every pay
check.

Yeah, well, they only stay
ten minutes.

Look, Marlon, there's
nothin'
I can do, okay?

You heard that
guy,
if we get busted

she gets kicked outta
the country and I go to
jail.

Besides how bad could it be?

[goat bleating]

Why don't you just
come stay at our
place?

Uh, come on, Marlon,
it ain't that ba-a-a-ad.

Just a li'l more crowded
than usual, that's all.

Alright, that is the end of it.

Right. Well, thank you guys
for helpin' her move in.

Um, oh, snap, this is fly.

What's this, Kunta Kana?

Li'l ashy, bro.

Alright, well, uh,
see you guys later, take
care.

Oh, no, Shawn,
this is my
family.

Uh-huh, this is Uncle Shakan

my brother Polay

'Grandma Buku'

and Mirin.

They will be living with us.

[instrumental music]

Hey, what's, uh, Mirin
doin'
at the window?

(Famali)
'Oh, he is hunting.'

You see, in our culture
we must always eat fresh meat.

[dog yelping]

(male #2)
'Damn, you shot my dog.'

'I'm gonna come up there
and throw you a beat.'

Uh, lets get back
to studyin', girl.

Okay, so remember, Famali..

...we're gonna have to know
everything about each other

if we're gonna convince
Mr. Moore our marriage is
real.

I know, Shawn. We've been over
this one hundred times before.

Your favorite movie
is "Scarface".

- Your favorite food is
Italian.
- True that.

You are allergic
to strawberries.

And the first time you had
sex,
you lasted two minutes.

- I never told you that.
- No, Marlon did.

Well, that ain't true,
alright,
her watch was just fast.

[screaming]

What's wrong with granny?

She got gas?

Hey, hey, hey, well, what's
with all the drummin', man?

Come on, now, first y'all
take
over my living room

and now a brother can't watch
the Spice channel in peace.

Come on, hey, hey,
would you stop the
drums?

You're throwin'
my rhythm off,
man.

Hey, look, Marlon

I-I didn't expect
this either, okay

but in their culture the whole
family must live together.

Hey, look, you gotta get
Paul Simon's backup
singers

the hell out of my house.

[screams]

Oh, man, oh, these
underwears
are cutting me.

- I gotta get outta here. Ow!
- 'Wait, Marlon.'

[Marlon grunts]

Marlon, don't be like this, man.

Look, let's just,
let's-let's just

do the best we can, okay?

Alright.

Oh, my God.
I've a pounding
headache.

[groans]

- Shawn, my neck.
- Alright, alright,
alright.

Alright, alright.
Why don't you just relax, kid?

Why don't you go down
to Pops' diner and just chill

and we'll talk about this
whole thing later on, alright?

What the hell happened
to my jacket?

I am so sorry. The ritual drum
needed a new hide.

Look, Famali, I'm tryin'
to look out for you, girl

but you're takin' it too far

cuttin' up people jackets
and stuff and..

Hey, man, will you guys
stop with this drums, man?

Oh, no, Shawn, no.

This is an important
sacred ritual.

Today Mirin becomes a man.

You see, the drums
represent his heartbeat.

And if the drumming stops,
so does his heart.

Man, get outta here
with that, man.

Give me these drums, man.
Stop it.

Killed him.

[singing tribal song]

Uh-huh, yeah.

Alright, alright, thanks a
lot.
Thanks, Dee, bye.

Yo, Dee's friend from the INS

said Mr. Moore is on his way
over here right now.

Oh, I am so nervous.

Will you relax, girl, okay?

By now we know
each other so
well

we should be able
to finish each
other's..

Sandwiches, eh?

Sentences. Maybe we better go
over this a couple more times.

Right.

- Hey, what a do?
- 'What's up, Marlon?'

Hey, what happened
to Zulu nation?

[laughs]

Uh, they got homesick

so Pop took them
to see some wild
animals.

Oh, word, they went down
to the zoo?

- Nah, to see Def Jam.
- Oh, alright.

[knock on door]

Alright, that's Mr. Moore
right now.

Alright, everybody,
now act natural.

Act natural, Marlon.

- Hey.
- Oh, my God.

Look who's here.
It's the INS man.

- Oh!
- Come on in.

Me and my wife who
I love so very very very
much

did not know
you was even comin'
over.

Uh, what is your name again?

Shawn, Mr. Moore, dummy. Tsk..

You just said his name right
before he walked in the door.

Yeah, thanks a lot, stupid.

Now, why don't you
go over in the room

and watch "Sixty Minutes"?

Hey, well, I'll see y'all
in two hours.

Mr. Moore, pleasure to meet you.

Word up, son?
Keep it real.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Keep your eye..

[indistinct]

Alright, let's get started here.

Uh, can you show me
where the scissors are?

Eh...scissors?

Yeah, you live here, don't you?

You should know
where your scissors are.

Girl, you..
The scissors, come on,
now.

Of course, of course.

At present I see him
dance.
How are you, son?

You do not seem very familiar
with your kitchen.

Hm.

Oh, oh, oh,
but it's all my
fault.

It's all my fault, wifey
be
tellin' me all the time,
man.

She tell me all the time
about misplacing things.

I hate that.

- Bad husband. Bad.
- Yes, very bad.

I-I, I-I hate when I do that

and you know what else
I found myself doin'

leavin' the toilet seat up.

Then while we come to bed
our both booty be all wet.

Smell like 2000 flushes.

But I love you anyway.

[laughs]
Likewise.

Alright, that's enough of that.

What hand does she write with?

Uh, whatever hand that pen's in.

[laughs]
Joke. Um, her left hand.

When her right hand is broken.

And how much does she weigh?

Come on, man, you know
it ain't polite

to ask a woman her weight.

I know, that's why I asked you.

You probably don't even know
how much your own wife weighs.

Two hundred
and eighty six
pounds.

Man, that ain't no wife,
that's a truck.

Well, anyway, uh,
my wife weighs about 150.

- One-fifty?
- Well-well, 160.

Are you crazy?

What-what I meant was,
you-you know..

No, what you meant is you
think
I am fat, right?

No, not fat, fit.

Oh, now you're saying
that I shouldn't try

to squeeze myself
into a size four, eh?

(Shawn)
'I didn't say any of that.'

'What you twistin'
my words around for?'

Oh, so now I'm a liar too.

I'm just
a big old fat liar to you.

What? Ain't.. You know,
we gotta go talk in
private.

[clicking tongue]

Stop mocking my language.

I am so tired of you making
fun
of my family.

And I'm tired of your
family
stinkin' up my
apartment.

They got my house
smellin'
like Customs at the
airport.

Oh, and what about Marlon, eh?

I don't like the way
he looks at my goat.

Don't talk about my brother.

[click] you.

Look, hey, you know what,
I think

you came at a bad time, man.

I think you should
come back another time.

This girl is trippin'.

No, there's no
need,
there's no need.

When I first got
here
I was convinced

this marriage was a scam

but after listening to you two

you sound just
like my wife and
me.

Ah, I-I'm convinced.

Your citizenship
will be approved.

Thank you, Mr. Moore.

No problem.
I better, better get
going.

Looks like you two
got
a lot of makin' up to
do.

Right.

Say, before I leave..

...what is that smell?

(both)
Goat sex.

[both laughing]

- Oh, we did it.
- Yes.

- I'm going to be a citizen.
- Yes, you are.

Hey, hey, look, Famali,
I'm really really sorry

about all the stuff
I said about your
family

but I was-I was just, I
was
gettin' frustrated, you
know.

Oh, I like the way
you asserted yourself.

In my culture,
the man is always dominant.

Wow, Ike Turner
must be a
legend.

I want
to thank you again, Shawn.

I don't know what I would
have done without you.

Well, I better go find my
family
so they can move my things.

Wait a minute, Famali

you know what,
I think you should take this.

Why are you giving me
my money back? We had a deal.

I know, but I just
don't feel right.

I don't think you should have
to pay for your freedom.

Besides, I mean,
you're gonna need the money

to find your new apartment
for you and your goats

and your aunties and uncles.

You know, I am so
lucky
to have found you.

You know, Shawn, we make
a pretty good couple, eh?

[imitating Famali]
Yeah, eh.
I think we do, girl.

I think we do. And I think
you're really cool.

But I think
we did things backwards.

If it's gonna work

you'll have to get
the marriage annulled

then we start datin'.

I'd like it.

[imitating Famali]
Now, you come over here

and give ya future ex-husband..

...a kiss.

Ow!

(Famali)
'Mirin, stop playing.'

- Yeah.
- Stupid.

I'll put my [click] in your ass.

This ain't the Wa kingdom.

Hey, Pop, I don't know
what it is

but I just can't seem
to stop workin'.

Well, slow down a second
and try this new recipe

I got from Famali's grandmother.

Okay.

Does that possum
taste like
chicken?

Yeah.

Good, that's all I need to know.

(Marlon)
Okay.

(Dee)
'Shawn.'

Are you still going out
with Famali?

Uh, well, we went out
on a few dates

after we got our marriage
annulled, but, you know

she left me a message
on my answering machine

tellin' me she's goin' back
to her country.

Oh, that's too bad.
You really missed out.

Missed out? What do you mean?

You haven't read the paper?

Apparently her father is a king.

What?

You mean, as in royalty king

or like Don King
got a nappy hair brother?

Come on, Dee, you know how it is

in those
poverty-stricken countries.

The king is always the one
with the ashiest elbows

and the most flies around them.

Uh-huh, I mean her father's

the fifth wealthiest man
in the world.

Marlon, watch the newsstand.

Hey, hold on, hold on,
whe-whe-where you going?

I'm gonna get my wife back.

Hey, how do you
get to Contresia?

Oh, when you get to Puerto
Rico,
you make a right.

-Gracias,
- Okay.

[Dee laughing]

And, Dee, this voodoo stuff
is just stupid.

Killed him.

[indistinct singing]

(Shawn)
'Look up, Marlon, say
cheese.'