Original subtitles

Hi, guys.

You better go, baby.

Work it, work it, work it, missy.

(Marlon) Look at your chocolate self. Look at you.

Lookin' like the supreme.

Really?

- Which one? - All of them.

Oh..

Nah, for real, Dee, you look good, girl.

- Thank you. - What's goin' on?

Makin' more conjugal visits to the state prison?

Hey, work it, brother. Do your thing.

No, I am going to the Security Guards Ball.

I am up for the Golden Flashlight Award.

That is the biggest thing that a guard can have.

Um, uh, no, Dee.

Those are the biggest thing a guard can have.

Stop.

So who are you goin' with?

Oh, I got an escort.

An Escort? What happened?

Your Pinto caught on fire again?

No, not my car.

I hired a date.

Yeah, it's great.

'Cause there are no strings attached.

You know, the regular date

they bring you home, then they wanna eat your food

then tie you up and spank you with a Ping-Pong paddle and..

(Shawn) 'Whoa. Hey! Hey! Hey!'

Hey! Hey! Whoa!

Who you been datin'? Marlon?

[laughing]

Oh, there's Marshall now.

As you can see..

...it's the best $200 I ever spent.

Hi, Marshall.

Open the door!

Damn! Sisters be pokin' them light skinned brothers.

[laughs]

Did you get that, Marlon? $200, man.

- Yeah. - For one dude.

Yo, kid, them escort services be gettin' paid.

- Thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? - Yeah.

I hope Dee let me spank her with that Ping-Pong paddle.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright. Cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite.'

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[mumbling]

Every time I turn around, there's a crazy woman..

Hey, you spilled my coffee.

Every time I talk to a woman..

Any more complaints?

Hey, pops..

...I ain't seen you this upset

since Don Cornelius left "Soul Train."

Your mama's gone crazy, son.

The whinin' and mooting.

Now she got the nerve not to give me any stuff.

Ain't nobody got a headache for five months.

Hey, yo, kids.

You guys know that there's over a hundred

escort services in Manhattan alone?

You still thinkin' about startin' this business?

Hell yeah, man.

It's a gold mine, Marlon.

Quick startup, no overhead and big profits.

Now, all I need is a catchy name.

What about...Shawn's hoe's?

I was lookin' for somethin' with a little bit more class.

Hmm. Okay. I got it. I got it.

Shawn's Whores.

You don't get it. This will be a legitimate upscale business.

I'm gonna have roses, tuxedos

and..

- You're going all out, son. - That's right.

Now, all I need is some young, fly brothers

who all the girlies wanna go out with.

Alright, men..

...when you go out there with these women tonight..

...I want you to make them feel special.

'These women are spendin' lots of their hard-earned money'

on their dream date..

...and you guys are their fantasies.

Hey, Shawn, brah..

...you ain't tellin' us nothin' we don't already know.

[indistinct chattering]

You feel me? Do you feel me?

I feel you. You better tell 'em..

Enough!

Front and center.

I'm gonna make sure you goons looks presentable

to these women tonight.

T.C., cut back on that hair grease.

And why'd you kill Tweety bird and make a shirt?

Marlon, wipe that stupid look off your face.

And, Dupree..

...suck in your guts.

Now, the other one.

[coughing]

What's this bulge?

Oh, that's my pager, man.

Beep, beep, beep..

Beef, beef, beef

beef, beef, beef.

And, ooh, look, you got a page..

...from Jenny Craig.

Tellin' you to stop eating, you big whale.

Alright, y'all.

There's a bunch of women in town tonight

for a cosmetic convention, okay?

Now, I have one woman right here

who's lookin' for a professional man.

"A lawyer, a doctor, a dentist.."

T.C., you take this one.

I ain't no dentist.

Yeah, but you know all about bad teeth.

Hey, Shawn, man, what you got for me?

Okay, I have one lady here

that wants somebody who's worldly and well-rounded.

I don't know anybody in this world

that's more rounded than you.

Thank you, my brother. Ha ha ha. Yeah.

I guess this last one right here is for you, Marlon.

Shawn, this one says it wants

a young, adventurous, white male.

Now, any idiot can look at me and tell I ain't adventurous.

Oh, don't sell yourself short, son.

Anybody that can wear the same drawer

for three weeks in a row..

...is adventurous to me.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Alright, now. Fall out, men. Have a good time.

- Alright. - Hey.

- Hey, hey, boys. - What's up, pop? How you doing?

Good to see you, man. We'll represent.

Alright, see you..

T.C., stop tryin' to steal my style.

Hey, pop, what you doin' here?

Son, I had to give your mama some space.

I mean, she is really on the edge.

I mean, after 30 years of marriage..

...we tend to pick up each others signal.

What signal?

She threw a hatchet at me.

[phone ringing]

Hello. Soul Daddy's International Escorts.

If we you have the ends, uh, we have the mens.

Uh-huh. So what you lookin' for?

So you want an older man..

...with a lot of style..

...who likes to party.

Hmm.

I think I got the perfect man for you.

Yeah. Give me your number. I'll call you back.

Alright.

Bye.

- Hey, pops. - Hey, son.

- Hey, what you doin' tonight? - I'm not doing anything.

I'm just goin' home to put some relax on my stomach hairs.

Ew.

Hey, man, could you do me a favor?

I need you to do me a big favor, pop.

Could you be an escort for me?

Boy, you crazy? I'm married.

Your mother find out, she'll escort her foot upside my head.

Come on, pop. It's not like it's a regular date.

It's business.

Shawn, many years ago..

...I took a vow under God's eyes to be true to my wife.

I don't wanna do anything to betray thattrust.

I'll give you $50.

What time do I have to be there?

You know..

...the best part about being a dentist..

...is I get a discount on all my gold teeth.

I've toured the Caribbean islands

and the Cayman Islands.

I guess you can call me an island nut.

Me too. Every Sunday I go visit my uncle in Rikers Island.

[gasps]

Calm down, baby, I just wanna show you

a tattoo of my long stem rose.

Oh, I thought that was a..

...varicose vein attached to a blood clot.

I can show you something else.

Oh, no. No, thank you. Ronald McDonald's mama.

I think I've seen enough.

I can take out the whole top row.

Oh, really?

And I bet I could find somethin' to replace it.

- Follow me. - Alright.

Uh, Michael Jordan, uh, I'm with the Sparks party.

You look tall on television.

Mrs. Sparks, I'm your escort for tonight.

Johnny Williams from Roosevelt High!

Susan Johnson from the back seat!

But it's Susan Sparks, I got married, but my husband died.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

[chuckles] I don't believe this

the first time I decide

to use an escort service

and I end up with my old boyfriend.

How embarrassing.

Talk about embarrassing, this is the same suit

I wore to our prom.

But you always did look good in sky blue.

You just..

...always looked good.

Oh, J..

Please.

Now, how long you been selling cosmetics?

Well, actually my husband owned the company.

He left it to me when he died.

You know you owe me five dollars.

Same old Johnny. You always could make me laugh.

[laughs]

No, really. No, really.

I keep records.

What?

I lent Susan..

...five dollars for a black power afro pitch.

Here.

Paid in full.

- Oh, hey, you know what. - What?

I'll let you slide on the interest.

Here. Sign here. Just in case.

Listen, you still known as, uh, twinkle toes on the dance floor?

Well, let's go out there and find out.

Okay.

[instrumental music]

Okay, a-a-alright. Stop screamin' on me.

I'm sorry. It'll never happen again, okay?

I'm sorry, ma'am. God!

T.C., how could you do that, man?

[high pitch] I don't understand why you're trippin', man.

- I got the money, didn't I? - Yeah, that's great.

Now, go back to the hotel and give that woman back her purse.

Too late. I already gave it to my mama for her birthday.

Okay. Okay, I'll take care..

And what's your excuse, Dupree? Huh?

You sent your date home hungry

because you ate all her food.

Man, I couldn't help myself.

You know I got an eatin' disorder.

Yeah, you eatin' this order, that order..

You eatin' everybody's order, man.

Go take your big behind around the block

and jog a couple of times.

And get rid of them braids. They look like rat droppings.

Huh.

You ain't said nothin', brah.

Now, Shawn, you know that's no way to talk to pregnant people.

- Hi, boys. - Hey, what's up, pops?

(Marlon) 'Where'd you get that "Planet of the Apes" jacket?'

Hey, pop, how come you're opening up the diner so late?

I didn't get in till 4 this morning.

(Shawn) See that?

See that, Marlon? Now, that's hard work.

And dedication. Huh.

Where's my money, pop?

Well, I don't have it, son.

Seemed like the woman you assigned to me..

...was my old friend.

Oh, word. Well, you know, I made an old friend last night too.

Whoo! Hey, pop, do you know that Depends come in G-strings?

Look, boy, we spent the whole evening

dancing and laughing like the old days.

I'm tryin' to run a business here.

Look, I'll pay for it out of my own pocket.

How can I charge a woman for givin' me

one of the most wonderful evening's

I had in a long time.

Damn, pop, if I had known you better, I think you was in love.

Well, son..

...maybe I am.

Pop, you're a married man.

How you gonna be in love with another woman?

Well, look..

...last night I had a date with an old friend.

It was beautiful, nothin' happened.

Now, I have got to get to work.

Shawn, how could you, man?

How you gonna set pop up on a date

knowin' him and mama's havin' problems?

I know. I know. I know.

That's like askin' Rick James to watch your white girl

till you get back.

So, what are we gonna do now?

We can't just let some other woman

take pop away from mom.

Don't worry. That's not gonna happen, okay?

Nobody's gonna steal pop away.

All we gotta do is remind pop of some of the good times.

"G-good times." Shawn, that's perfect.

What about the episode..

...where Penny got burned with the iron?

What about that one? Or we could..

How about the episode where the deaf kid

fell down the elevator shaft?

Going down, dede.

[scatting]

Ooh, Pop.

Give me a cup of coffee and a doughnut.

With pleasure. With pleasure.

Cup of coffee for my..

...friendy.

Yip-tee-di!

Mm!

What'd you do to this coffee?

What's the matter? It's bad?

No, it's good.

And it's hot.

Turns out people prefer it that way.

You're a different man, Pops.

Oh, Dee, I saw an old friend last night.

Just brightened my whole day.

(Shawn) Hey, pop.

Me and Marlon were just talkin' 'bout some old times, man.

Hey, remember when you took ma

to that fancy restaurant for your 20th weddin' anniversary?

Yeah, and then you bought her 12 dozen roses

and the violinist came over to your table

and just played some real slow songs.

Oh, man. That was so romantic.

Then you guys snuck on a helicopter

and took a helicopter ride across the Hudson.

You boys just gave me an idea.

You gonna take mama on a second honeymoon?

Second one? Hell!

I wish I had the $75 I spent on the first one.

This is something Susan would like.

Damn, man.

I know it's none of my business..

...but who's Susan?

- Don't spread this around, Dee. - Uh-huh.

Susan's the woman that pops is gonna leave my mother for.

[gasps] Pops is cheatin'?

- Shh! Shh! - Shh! Shh!

Oh.

Well, I know how you feel.

Hmm, my uncle Efram

left his wife for another woman but it didn't work out.

- What happened? - Mm-mm.

Well, she left him after she met us.

She said that we were too gossipy

or so her hairdresser says..

...who used to go with my cousin.

But she lies 'cause she's a alcoholic. So, you know--

(Shawn and Marlon) W-what's the point?

The point is

that she said that our family scared her away!

Dee just sparked somethin'.

I think it's time that Susan..

...met pops real family.

You know what I'm sayin'?

[bell dings]

John.

- Oh-h-h! - Oh-h-h! This is for you.

- You didn't have to do that. - Oh, it's nothin'.

Little somethin' I picked up on the way.

Come on in.

O-o-oh!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

I thought you was in the room 1161.

Well, I was, but I asked for a new room

because the people next door were..

Well, they were very noisy.

Do I smell..

Yes, you do, sweetie.

I took the liberty of ordering the same meal

we had the night of our prom.

Smothered turkey necks.

'Mm-mm-mm.'

You sure know the way to a man's heart.

Sit down, baby. Sit your little fine self down.

- Right there. - Thank you.

I don't believe this. Mm-mm-mm.

- You know, John. - Yes, indeedy.

I've been really lonely since my husband died..

...I am so glad that I found you again.

Me too.

I'mma get one of these necks.

Mm-hmm. That's good.

- This is it. Room 1161 - Alright. Cool.

- Alright. You ready? - Yeah.

Aight, it's time to get hard.

Get hard. Get hard. Hard.

- Yeah. Let's do this. - Get hard.

Is that you, sweet..

It's the sons of sweetie, biznitch.

- That's right. - Oh, my God! Who are you?

That's right. You're the one who having on our father

Did he tell you who we were? Huh?

Our father didn't tell you. Father Rafiq.

No. I had no idea.

Ay, ay.

The name's Crenshawn.

That crazy hood from the Inglewood.

[indistinct chattering]

Do that, son. Do that, son.

- Yo! Do that, yo.. - Go crazy! Go crazy!

And my name is violent, son!

I'm actually violent.

[indistinct chattering]

Stomp 'em out. Stomp 'em out. Stomp 'em out.

- Yeah! - They don't know me, son. Yo!

...they don't know me, yo!

Crazy, I'll pour some alcohol. I'll pour some alcohol.

Hey, lady, you know what am sayin'.

They call me manslaughter.

But to most people, they just call me

straight black on black crime.

You look like you got some money up in here.

You know what I'm sayin'.

Let's say, I was to like, quote unquote, rob you.

How much do you think I'd get away with, yo?

Yeah. How much you think I can get away with?

Ooh! I can't stand her.

I wanna blow on her.

But we gotta be nice to her.

On the real.

That's gonna be our father's other wife.

- Other wife? - That's right.

He didn't tell you? Yeah, you datin' a married man.

[shouting] He's married?

- You're married? - Yeah.

I, I should've told you before I ate that last turkey neck.

When we met again

it reminded me of the good old days.

And for a moment, I was tempted to relive them.

Well, I, can't say that I'm not disappointed

but I am glad you told me.

Well, the truth is..

...my wife and I had been havin' troubles lately.

She's goin' through some changes.

Now, that is not an excuse.

She's been there for me all these years.

I think my place is with her.

Sounds like you really love her.

Yup. I do.

And she's given me two of the most

wonderful boys in the world.

They'll do anything they can to keep our family together.

[sighs] You're a lucky man, John.

I'm sorry I never got to meet them.

Well..

...I guess this is goodbye.

Yup. I guess, it is.

And if you'll excuse me..

...I'm gonna go take my wife..

...on a helicopter ride.

[instrumental music]

You know, thanks, guys.

And you don't have to worry about me

marrying your low-life father.

Alright. Right thre. Cool. Word.

- You know what I'm sayin? - Take it easy.

Yes. Yes, we did it, man. We did it!

Yo, when pops comes up here

she's gonna kick his behind.

I know. It's definitely over now.

- Hey. - Well, well, well.

Look who's here. Tacky.

What are you two boys doin' here?

And why are you dressed like this?

This got somethin' to do with Snoop Doggy Dogg

or Puffy Love Combs?

No, pop, we just got through talkin'

to your little Susan over there.

No, you didn't. I just got through talkin' to Susan.

I told her I couldn't see her anymore.

You boys made me realize I was bein' real foolish.

Thank you.

Excuse me, gentleman.

Today is my lucky day.

I'm gettin' engaged.

- Hey, pal. - Hey!

Good luck!

Get her, bro!

Wait a minute.

If you was talkin' to Susan

then who did Popeye go see?

I don't know.

[glass shattering]

(female #1) 'Why didn't you tell me you were married?'

'Well, then who were those two boys just up in here?'

He should've bought a bigger ring.