Original subtitles

Alright, Shawn, now when Jasmine gets here

you gotta be on your best behavior.

(Shawn) 'Uh, don't worry about it.'

'When Jasmine gets here'

'I'll be my normal, gentleman self.'

'Hey, you must really like this girl, huh?'

Yeah, man. I think I finally found the one.

I think she's gonna be the future ex-Mrs. Williams.

I'll tell you, man, she's fine, kid.

She's perfect for me.

And she ain't got no hair on her chin.

'Wow, that's pretty good, kid.'

- 'You're movin' up the ladder.' - Thank you.

'The last girl you went out with looked like'

'fast Eddie Griffin.'

[laughs]

Hey, uh, Shawn, now when she gets here

I don't want you being your normal, charming, cute self.

'Cause I don't want you trying to tempt her.

'Come on, kid.'

'What could I possibly do to tempt her?'

[gasps]

What's wrong with you, man?

Here, put on some clothes. Be decent.

- This ain't Chippendales. - What's wrong with you, Marlon?

This is what I always work out in.

Oh, come on, man. With all the baby oil on and stuff.

Here, man, just put this on.

Gosh, you're so fresh.

This isn't a meat market.

What? You really think I look that good?

- I'd tap you. - Ew.

- I mean, if I was a girl. - I'm changin'.

[knocking on door] Uh, hey, hey, wait, it's too-too late now.

- Just-just...act gay. - What?

- Why do I-- - Just act.

I need a kiss, my little boo-boo boy.

Muah! Ha ha.

I missed you, my little boo-boo bear.

I miss, mmm.. I missed you more.

Mmm mmm mmm.

Well, you two are together now so you can shut up.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print!'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite.'

[theme music]

[hip-hop music]

(Jasmine) This must be your big brother.

Uh, he ain't so big.

He just wear real tight panty-drawers.

Ha ha ha.

She meantolder

- How you doin'? I'm Shawn. - I'm Jasmine.

- Nice to meet you. - It's a pleasure to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

You know, I support your lifestyle

but on behalf of women everywhere..

...it is a real shame.

What's a shame?

- Well, that you're gay. - What?

I ain't gay.

Well, Marlon said you're gay.

Girl.. She-she trippin'.

I didn't say he was gay.

I said he was going gray.

- Look at this hair right here. - Ow!

That hair.. It was gray!

I don't want you to look like that girl

from "Josie And The Pussycats."

Here let it go, brother. See?

Cuz..

Hey, look, she's a sweet girl

very pretty, but she's just got a problem

with this earwax buildup.

I'm tellin' you, she's going deaf.

I stuck my tongue in her ear

it taste like a 9-volt battery.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me clear..

Let me straighten this whole thing out right now.

I ain't gay. Aight?

Don't let the two earrings fool you.

Then it really is a pleasure to meet you.

Uh, heh..

Uh, uh, well, I'm-I'm about to go take a shower.

So I'm...probably gonna need my hand..

...to turn the water on.

Uh, boo-boo.

Pumpkin.

My little boo-boo bear.

Um, I'm sorry, did you say somethin'?

[hip-hop music]

- Hey, what's up, baby boy? - Yeah, what's up, man?

- What's the deal? - Yeah.

You know what the deal is, punk.

What? What's wrong with you?

Don't give' me that what, what's wrong with me.

I seen you flirting

with Jasmine last night.

Saying all kinda sexy words to her.

Marlon, all I said was I'm going to take a shower.

Yeah, and you know immediately when you said that

she would picture you all butt naked and soapy

with your nipples all percolating.

You are crazy.

Well, that's the way I pictured you.

You lucked out, kid.

Come on, man, Marlon, I am your brother.

[gibberish]

Marlon, listen, I'm your brother

I would never do anything to ruin

you and Jasmine's relationship.

Give me some credit, man.

I guess I'm bugging, man.

I don't know what it is, kid.

It's just when I get around Jasmine

I just get so jealous.

I just wanna..

...tie her up and...dig a hole

and throw her in it and keep her there.

Just like in "Silence Of The Lambs."

It puts lotion in the bucket.

Uh...yeah, great.

So, anyway, are-are we cool? Marlon?

- Yeah. - Are we cool?

- Oh, yeah, we're straight, kid. - Okay.

- Aight. I'm out. - Aight, man.

Hey, why don't you hang out and have breakfast?

I can't, man. I got to audition for "Roots On Ice."

I'm up for the role of Kunta Kinte.

Yeah, man. Hey, but they just turned the name to Toby.

Now I gotta learn to skate on one foot. Psh!

Don't beat me, miss.

Chicken George! I found you!

I found you, Kunta Kinte.

[hip-hop music]

- Hey, Shawn. - Hey, how you doin', Jasmine?

Okay. Is Marlon around?

Oh, no, you just missed him.

He had an audition for "Roots On Ice."

I hope he gets it.

Oh, when is he gonna be back?

Couple of hours.

Oh, no. Uh..

What's the matter?

I lost my keys and I can't

get into my apartment.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Well, do you have a fire escape?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I-I could climb up your fire escape

if you don't mind me breaking in through the window.

Oh, no.

I wouldn't mind you breaking in anywhere.

[hip-hop music]

- 'Shawn?' - Hey, what's up, Marlon?

What are you doin', son?

- 'What's goin' on?' - You tell me, man.

I came by the newsstand after my audition.

What happened? You wasn't there.

Oh, um..

...I had to meet with this, uh, lady.

Uh, she's a distributor.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

What's her name?

Um...Ms. Pringle.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

How'd it go? Was it good?

- Oh, yeah, it was cool. - Okay. Cool.

Oh..

[sniffing]

What's that smell?

Well, it smell like that expensive cologne

that I bought Jasmine at the 99 Cent Store.

- Really? - Yeah.

Anyway, yo, man, what are you all dressed up for?

Oh, man, I got a date with Jasmine, baby boy.

- Really? - Yeah, man.

I'mma take her down to Ellen's Cave.

Marlon, Ellen's Cave is a lesbian joint.

I know.

[laughs] This way, no guys will hit on her.

[laughs] But women will.

Oh, yeah. I didn't think about that.

Hey, if you really wanna impress her

take her to this place called the Red Coach, man.

I'm telling you, she'll love it.

Peace out. The Red Coach is expensive.

I ain't got that kind of money.

Aight, baby, I'm out.

Aight, man.

- Hey. - What?

[rustling]

Have fun, man.

A $100?

Wow.

Thanks, but I don't think Jasmine's

gonna make me pay for it.

And if she does, I hope it ain't that expensive.

No, Marlon, that's for you. Just go have fun.

Oh, that's real nice of you, kid.

- You aight, Shawn. - Thanks, baby.

- Alright. - We're brothers, man.

- Yeah. - We're supposed to share.

Hey, what's mine is yours, right?

[door closes]

[instrumental music]

No, I don't believe it.

What's that, Dee?

A marriage proposal from your

prison pen pal?

[chuckles]

Oh, my God!

I told you, sooner or later he's gonna get out of jail

and see what you really looked like.

Telling him you're half Indian.

Oh, shut up. It's nothing like that.

Um..

Jerry Springer

is using one of my ideas

for the theme of his show

and he is flying me and a guest

into Chicago-o-o.

[both cheering]

[Dee laughing]

[whistles]

I was inspired by you two.

And the name of the show is "Brotherly Love."

'And guess what?'

I submitted your names

to be guests on the show.

Oh, no, no, no.

Hell, hell no, Dee.

I'm not going on no "Jerry Springer Show"

and making a fool out of myself.

I'll do it.

Oh, you could, okay? I'm not. I've seen the show, okay?

I ain't gonna have no transvestite running after me

talking about "I hate you! I hate you!"

Hold my earring. Hold my earring.

Oh, come on, Shawn. I wanna go to Chicago.

Look, me being on "The Jerry Springer Show"

is good exposure, man.

Oh, forget about Jerry Springer.

I wanna meet Oprah. She's worth millions.

Instead McCain hit it like no damn jackrabbit.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

- I'm hitting Oprah. - Yeah.

Shawn, please, man, let's do this.

Look, I can't do it without you, man.

- It's about brothers. - Ooh.

- Please, Shawn, please. - Come on, Shawn.

Be a good sport.

(Dee) 'Please, Shawn, please.'

Me and you on "Jerry Springer?"

Ah, what the heck.

I mean, what could go wrong?

[laughs] Alright.

[instrumental music]

Lester, you and Dexter are brothers.

Why would he be jealous of you?

Look at me.

It's obvious I'm the sexy one.

[audience cheering]

You trippin'. You trippin'. You trippin', man.

You are totally trippin'.

Man, why was I voted Mr. Federal Express, then, huh?

(audience) Ooh.

That's aight. Light-skin brothers will make a comeback.

[audience cheering]

Well, tell that to Kid from Kid 'n Play.

[laughing]

You realize how ignorant these people look?

You know you envy me.

I got the better car, I got the better job

and I definitely gots the better girl.

Bam!

Whoa.

Well, they say a picture is worth a thousand words

and, uh, here are four words.

She is a fox.

[audience cheering]

Well, Jerry, here's four more.

And a [beep] too!

[audience cheering]

Yes! I know!

[audience cheering]

(audience) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

We'll be back after this commercial break. Stay with us.

(audience) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Marlon, please, please promise me

that you won't act ignorant on the show.

I may.

[laughs]

I'll be on my best for you.

Aight, it's time for us to show America that Bryant Gumbel

ain't the only articulate brother on TV.

Bryant Gumbel's black?

Okay, let's meet Shawn and Marlon Williams.

What's up? What's up?

(both) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

(both) Jerry! Jerry!

- Jerry. - Hey, everybody.

Th-those are my boys up there. Those are my boys.

- Those are my boys. My boys. - Okay. Okay.

- Okay, we get the point. - 'Those are my boys.'

Thank you. We get the point. Have a seat.

Have a seat. Thank you.

Shawn and, uh, Marlon, welcome to the show.

- Thank you, Jerry. - What's up, Jerry?

Jerry! Jerry! Hey, thanks for having us, man.

Hey, my favorite show was with the transvestite

who was pregnant with that midget.

Yo, that was my favorite.

[audience cheering]

You the man, Jerry. You the man!

(all) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Okay. Okay.

Uh, your friends tell us that, uh

you two are the closest of brothers.

That was me, Jerry.

Dee Baxter, single black woman.

[audience cheering]

Uh, thank you very much, single black woman.

Yeah.

Uh, so you guys are very tight?

Tight ain't the word.

We're tighter than Garth Brooks' jeans.

[laughing]

[applause]

You know, the thing about it is, Jerry

we, we spend so much time together

that we know everything about each other.

Yeah.

Well, let's see how much you really do know.

I'll tell you what, um, Marlon

what is Shawn's favorite food

car and...his biggest fear?

Lasagna.

A black Porsche Carrera.

And one day he'll grow up and dress tacky just like pops.

[all laughing]

[applause]

- A'ight, a'ight, a'ight. - [indistinct]

That's right, I, uh, have the answers

right here on the card.

Okay.

'Okay, now, Shawn, what is Marlon's favorite color'

movie and his ultimate goal in life?

That's easy.

Blue, "Bout It, Bout It"

and he has no goals.

- That's right. - 'You better stop.'

Tha-that is right.

Yeah, Jerry, see, we know each other's secrets.

I mean, I would never tell him either.

Like, I would never tell anybody

that Shawn's nickname with the ladies is Minute Man.

[audience laughing]

And I would never tell anybody out there

that Marlon's head is lopsided.

That ain't funny.

You know pop dropped me

'cause he drank too much.

[applause]

Well, that, well, that's great, but even the closest brothers

have a few secrets.

- Not us. - Us? Mm-mm.

I'll tell you what, Shawn, why don't you tell us

where you were last Tuesday?

Oh, that's easy, Jerry. I know exactly where he was.

He was at a meeting with a distributor, right?

Yeah, yeah, I was, I was at a meeting with a distributor.

- He knows me. Ha ha! - My man.

He knows me.

And what else did you do that Tuesday?

Huh?

Well, our staff did a little research and we found

someone who may be able to jog your memory.

Here is Marlon's girlfriend, Jasmine.

[instrumental music]

[audience cheering]

[audience clapping]

[chuckles]

Baby, what you doing here?

Wait, you came on here to tell me that you're really a man.

Damn, man, this is second time it's happened, man!

Well, we flew, uh, Jasmine out here

to try and shed some light on Shawn's whereabouts

last Tuesday evening.

Why would she know where Shawn was?

Because he was at my apartment Tuesday.

[audience booing]

What? You told me that you had a meeting with a distributer.

It looks like she was distributing to your brother.

[audience cheering]

(audience) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Hold on, hold on, hold on, Marlon

it ain't even what you think, okay?

Aight? I was in and out.

[audience cheering]

What do you mean you were in and out?

- I was at.. - You tapped that before I did?

[audience booing]

Now, why did you lie about it, Shawn?

[audience booing]

Yeah, why did you lie about it, Shawn?

Because I know you get jealous, Marwin.

Oh! Come on, man. Don't give me that.

You know I do not get jealous, alright?

Hey, yo, Jerry, man

I see you over here lookin' at my girl, man.

Don't make me come out there and put my foot

in your behind, aight?

[audience booing]

I-I love your show, but I will scrap you down, brother.

See, what I'm talking about, all that talk. You're jealous.

Well, maybe I wouldn't be acting like this

if you weren't trying to steal my girlfriend.

- 'Ooh!' - What?

How can you go after your brother's girlfriend?

(audience) 'Yeah.'

[audience clapping]

'Cause he's a dog.

[audience cheering]

Look, ain't nobody tryin' to steal your girl, man.

All that happened was she lost her keys to the apartment

and I tried to help her get back in. You're crazy.

Hey, yo, look, don't be calling me crazy, alright?

'Cause I'm not crazy! I hate when people call me crazy!

I hate that! I hate that! I hate that!

Son, you don't know me! Don't be calling me crazy!

Hey, yo, Jerry, tell him to stop callin' me crazy

before I go crazy!

(Jerry) Okay.

Shawn, uh, please refrain from callin' him crazy.

Man, [beep].

[audience cheering]

Hell, yeah! [beep].

[beep] don't be cursing at me.

[beep]

[indistinct shouting]

[beep]

Hey, hey, hey.

[indistinct shouting]

Uh, Jasmine, just, just out of curiosity

do you find, uh, Shawn attractive?

Who wouldn't?

I mean..

...he's handsome, a good dresser,

he's in shape, he's a gentleman, and I think that--

Aight [beep] we get the point.

[audience clapping]

If Marlon, uh, if Marlon wasn't born

could you see yourself dating Shawn?

Oh, definitely. Definitely.

That girl is nothing but trash!

Hey! Uh-uh! [beep].

[audience cheering]

- Baby, baby. - Oh, forget it. No, uh-uh!

You need to watch who you callin' trash

Marsha Warfield. Okay?

Come-come on now. Come on.

[audience cheering]

[indistinct chattering]

[beep]

[indistinct shouting]

[beep] Get off me! [beep]

[indistinct shouting]

Don't you be talking to Dee like that

you little skeezer.

[audience cheering]

Hey, I don't talk about your cockeyed fat white friend.

Hey, hey, hey, you littleNegro!

That's my mama you talking about!

Oh. That's my mama too?

Mama, I'm sorry. Mama, I'm sorry.

Mama, I'm sorry.

Well, look, I can't just be sittin' here

disrespecting my girl.

This is my girl, man. I love her.

Man, you only knew her for two weeks.

You kept porno videos out longer than that.

[audience exclaiming]

Look, man, I don't want your girl.

Tryin' to act all innocent.

You know exactly what you doin'.

Walking around the house, brushing your teeth andwashing

usinglotion.

Hey, don't get mad at me

'cause I like to wash my ass, aight?

[audience cheering]

I don't want her.

I don't want her, he said he's sweet. I don't want her.

[laughing]

Oh, you like you're too good for her.

She ain't good enough for you?

Oh, I guess she ain't light enough.

Sell out brothers on the next "Jerry Springer."

[indistinct chattering]

You know what, color-struck brothers on this next "Jerry--"

Crazy brothers on the next "Jerry Springer."

- I'm out of here, man. - I told you about call--

You're stupid! And you're crazy!

- I'm crazy and stupid? - Yeah.

I told him, I told him..

[audience cheering]

(audience) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

(audience) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

(audience) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Hold on, hold on, hold my earring!

'Hold my earring!'

Hold my earring. Come on.

(audience) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

(audience) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

(audience) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Hit me now! Hit me now!

Hit me now!

Yeah. Yeah.

[audience cheering]

[instrumental music]

Well, today we've seen several types of brotherly love.

Now, some brothers express their love by strangulation.

Others by stealing your sibling's girlfriend.

Now, some may see these ways as wrong

but others may say they're right.

But one thing is for sure.

- I'm glad I'm an only child-- - Give me..

♪ What's that sound echo in the night ♪

♪ The sound I hear when I'm holding you tight ♪

♪ It's my bell baby that you rang ♪

♪ 'Cause my love going bang bang bang ♪

♪ When my love goes bang bang bang ♪

♪ You better run for cover.. ♪♪

Damn, Marlon, I can't believe you attacked me on national TV.

Told you not to call me crazy, right?

Yeah, it's my fault.

I'm sorry, I-I should have told you

I was over at Jasmine's house that day.

Yeah, and I should have believed you.

I don't know, kid.

It's just...I guess I'm just a little jealous

when it comes to Jasmine.

[chuckles] A little jealous?

Boy, you are crazy about Jasmine.

I-I'm sorry. I mean, you are wild about Jasmine.

Well, now that you've conceded

I guess she's all mine now, huh?

Uh, guess again.

Look.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, Jerry.

I locked my keys in my dressing room.

[hip-hop music]

- Jerry! Jerry! - What do you wanna do?

What do you wanna do? Hit me now!

Hit me now! Hit me now!

Hit me now! Hit me now!

Come over here. Come over here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[audience cheering]

(audience) Jerry! Jerry!

(audience) Jerry! Jerry!

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.