Original subtitles

Marlon, you've been stacking that same pile of magazines

for the past three days.

Yeah, I know.

And you thought it was gonna take me a long time.

You're stupid.

Look at this. Look at this, man. This is art, Shawn.

- This is perfect, son. - Great. Look here, Corky.

Um, that girl Jenna's coming by

with one of her roommates, so I need you to do me a favor

and hook yourself up 'cause you look like a bum.

Uh, hell no, dude.

I ain't messing with you, black.

- Come on. - No, no, no.

Last time you hooked me up with a blind date

her senile dog bit me.

Ha-ha-ha. Come on, Marlon, man.

Look, Jenna's not gonna go to the movies with me

if her roommate don't have nothing to do.

Hey, well, that's too bad.

Look, Shawn, every time you hook me up with a girl

there gotta be something wrong with her.

Tsk. That's not true. Ey, hey.

What about that girl Linda, huh?

Linda "The Bald Eagle" Lewis?

- Oh, she had plenty of hair. - Yeah, on her back.

Yo, you should see baby now, man.

She comb that back hair up to her forehead.

She look like Sade.

[chuckling]

More like Chewbacca.

- Come on, Marlon. - Sade. No, kid.

I'm not messin' with you, Shawn.

Cool, now, chill, chill. Here they come.

- What's up, Jenna? - Hey, Shawn.

- How you doin'? - Hey, Marlon.

- Hey, hey, hey. - This is Chrissy.

- Hi. - Hi.

Mm-hmm?

[both mumbling]

[chuckling]

[yelling] Ow!

What the hell are you doing, man?

Hey, Shawn, [indistinct]

The hair's real, Shawn, she's pretty.

She got all her real teeth.

Hold on a second.

Say, girl.

What's that sign say?

- "Pop's" - She can read!

- She can read! - What are you doin', man?

There's nothing wrong with her.

Oh, uh, hold on.

Hey, I was wondering maybe you wanna go to

uh, you know, go for a walk or go to a library

or maybe the museum.

- You know, something free. - Oh, yeah.

Well, actually, I thought we'd just stay at my apartment.

You know, Dexter's a little hard to wrangle in public.

Oh, not my Dexter.

[laughing]

What Dexter are you talking about?

(Chrissy) Oh, didn't Shawn tell you?

What are you doing?

This is Dexter, my son.

[chuckling]

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print!'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite!'

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

(Shawn) 'Hey, kid. Thanks for doin' this, man.'

Look, you owe me one, alright?

I can't believe I'm spending my good Friday night playin'

You my babydaddy?

Oh.

Damn, I should stay my black behind home.

Oh, come on. Don't worry about it, man.

They're gonna be rerunning "Luke's Peep Show" all weekend.

- Say what? Say what? - "Luke's Peep Show."

- Okay, Shawn, I'm ready. - Now, look at you.

Looking like Miss Broke Janet Jackson.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, guys. Don't have too much fun.

[laughing] We won't.

Bye.

Marlon, you don't have to stay here if you don't want to.

Girl, I'm having a good old fashioned time here.

Look at that. Whoo!

You the girl.

I don't know, for some reason

Janet thinks I shouldn't be left alone.

Actually, I just finalized my divorce.

So now I'm looking for a new life.

Get thehuh

What happened to you and your husband?

Oh, man, you know Barry's a paramedic

over at New York General Hospital.

And, I'll tell you, he's a really good guy

but he works really long hours and, you know

he just wasn't there for the family.

He never listened to me. I'm tellin' you.

It was like I wasn't even there.

You say somethin'?

Oh, okay.

[laughing] You got me.

Yeah, for real. What'd you say?

- Alright, silly man. - What?

I'll tell you what, I like your sense of humor.

[chuckling]

You know, I like the way you like my sense of humor.

By the way, that's my G-spot.

[both chuckling]

Yeah, you can get some Poppin' Fresh dough.

Oh, yeah? I can smell Poppin' Fresh.

- Thirsty? - Sure.

Alright, I have Chardonnay in the kitchen.

You have a daughter too?

I'll tell you, Marlon, you are so funny.

[both chuckling]

Knock, knock.

Say, girl, why'd the chicken cross the road?

To get some of them panty drawers.

Hey, girl, where's, uh, the little man at?

(Chrissy) 'Oh, he's asleep.'

'We can do whatever we want.'

- Whatever? - 'Uh-huh.'

- 'Hey, you know what?' - What?

'Ooh, I would love to do the one thing I can't do'

'when Dexter's around.'

'It's too nasty'

'and, uh, he's too young to watch.'

Damn, girl, you don't waste no time, do you, little freak?

'Go ahead. Turn it on, baby.'

I ain't no machine.

I take my time with things, you know.

[laughing] Wha..

What are you doing?

I meant we could watch "Def Comedy Jam."

Oh! I knew that.

I-I just didn't wanna spill none of that, uh

Merlot on my-my clothes, that's all.

It's a brand new shirt.

[turns on TV]

Oh, wait, this guy's funny.

He-he'll want to watch me too.

Uh-huh.

[laughing]

[continues laughing]

- Hey, hey, hey! - Hey!

- What? - No grabbing.

- I wasn't grabbing. - Uh.

- I was laughing. - Yeah, right.

You know Shucky Ducky is hilarious.

Quack, quack.

Silly.

Oh. Oh, God.

[whooping]

[laughing]

Damn, no offense, girl, but, uh..

...you need to get some Magic Shave.

(Chrissy) 'Dexter, what are you doing up?'

I'm not sleepy.

Come on, time for mommy's little angel to go back to bed.

Go on. Go on, go.

Sorry, Marlon. I hope he didn't scare you.

Oh, no, it's cool, my pants was wet

before I came over here.

Hey, listen, I'm gonna go heat up some pizza.

Maybe it'll add a little spice to our evening, huh?

[Marlon chuckling]

I wish something would.

I hate the little kid.

You want to play Spacemasters with me?

No.

[blowing] Peace out.

Didn't your mama tell you to go to bed?

No one plays with me anymore.

I miss my dad.

Aww, come here, little man.

Hey, listen.

Even though your daddy's not here, I'm pretty sure

he's thinking about you and he loves you.

Okay? You feel better now?

- No. - Too bad.

Get up and take your little rock head to bed.

- Go, peace out. - At least my dad was fun.

- Not boring like you. - 'Wait a minute.'

Who are you calling boring, hm?

- You. - You-you calling me boring.

Don't you try to walk out of here like that.

Not if the Space Rangers have anything to do with it.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[mumbling]

Space wedgies.

Well, not to my intellect

they don't have anything to do with it.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna kick your little alien ass..

...teroid all over the galaxy.

Come here, I'mma give you a space wedgie.

We'll turn this all the way to Uranus!

[humming]

Hey, hey!

Hey, what do you two think you're doing?

Nothing.

- Just playing. - 'Oh, yeah?'

Well, not on my planet!

[yelling]

I wanna thank you for introducing me to Chrissy, kid.

- We were having mad fun. - Great.

Well, me and Jenna's been having two whack weeks, okay?

Why?

Because, Marlon, every time I try to get my swerve on

I gotta hear about oh, how good Marlon is

with the baby, daddy.

How good he is with kids.

I'm sick of it, man.

- Cut the nice-guy act. - It's no nice-guy act.

I happen to like the girl

and I love that little boy Dexter.

He's so cute, Shawn.

Yeah, you could tell

'cause your eyes light up every time he's around.

Dee, it's the same look you get when I put out fresh doughnuts.

No, but for real, y'all, it's been great.

I mean, we go, we do everything with Dexter.

We go to the park, to the zoo

to McDonald's playground

and after that, we do something he wants to do.

[laughing] Oh, you are so weird.

- Hey, Marlon. - Hey!

What's up, little man?

How's my little man? You alright? You alright?

Huh?

What's up? I'm only joking, baby.

'You part of this family too.'

- Okay. - How are you?

Good. My two boys together again.

Hey, man, you ready for your big pow-wow picnic?

You bet. Look what I got you.

[exclaiming]

- Huh, for me? - Mm-hmm.

[chuckling]

Say what?

- How do I look? - You look like Pocahontas.

[instrumental music]

You wanna take your little snake, right?

'You wanna go around the bush'

'in the hole..'

'...and back out the hole.'

'If you have any troubles gettin' in'

'what you wanna do is wiggle it a little bit..'

- Marlon! - What?

I was just teaching him how to tie a knot.

Excuse me, nasty girl.

Okay, that's it. You got your 20 extra minutes.

- It's time for bed, let's go. - Oh, man.

See, I'm not even sleepy, man.

This so stupid.

Marlon, I'm talking to Dexter.

- Oh. - I'm like Marlon.

- I'm not tired yet either. - Yeah.

Oh, yeah? What if I put you over my knee, little man? Let's go.

Oh, hey, hey. You could put me over your knee too.

Go on and brush your teeth. Go to bed, let's go.

- Goodnight, Marlon. - Oh.

- Goodnight, little man. - I love you.

I love you too. Alright.

Now go and take your peasy behind to bed. Go on, peasy.

Goodnight, mommy. I love you too.

Bye.

When the kids go away, the grown-ups will play.

[chuckling]

What you actin' all tense for? What's wrong?

Mm.

What's the matter?

You're really great with Dexter, Marlon.

Oh, he's a great kid. I mean that's my little man.

We work on math problems, spelling

coloring within the lines.

He's just taught me so much.

- That little boy is a genius. - Yeah.

Look, I'm really glad that you're having fun..

...but I'm just a little worried

that Dexter's becoming too attached to you.

So? What's the problem with that?

Look, Marlon, if you leave, this is just gonna crush him.

I'm not going anywhere. What are you talking about if I leave?

Come on, Marlon, admit it.

Look, you can just date.

But I have to look after Dexter too.

I'm trying to do, I'm trying to look out

for all of us, alright?

Look..

Sweetie, I've been thinkin', and, um..

...I think it's time I have a family.

Marlon, what are you saying?

I'm saying I think we should hook up.

For good.

[instrumental music]

Yeah, come here, Jenna, let me get some of that.

Hey, when you're finished with that fruit, can I get some?

It looked good.

What's up, boy? Where you been all night?

Oh, just spending some time with the future Mrs. Williams.

- What? - Yup.

You heard me. I'm getting married, son.

Marlon, you can't be serious.

- I'm dead serious. - What, did she accept?

Oh, not exactly. But I think she's coming around.

Yeah, I think you need to be coming around.

Right around here, so I can put my foot in your behind.

I don't know anybody in their right mind who would marry

somebody they've been dating for less than a month.

What are you talkin' about? Everybody does, Shawn.

Larry King, Roseanne, Mike Tyson.

Michael Jackson.

Mm-hmm. And look at them now.

Divorced, crazy, has-beens.

And that's just Michael Jackson.

Look, Marlon, I'm tellin' you, kid

you ain't ready for no family.

Are you gonna tell me what I'm ready for, Shawn?

Look, I love Dexter.

Yes, Marlon, you do love Dexter.

But you know what? You're not marrying Dexter.

You're marrying Chrissy, and you barely know her.

What are you talking about? I know her, Shawn.

I love the girl, goes without saying, man.

- Oh, you know her? - Yeah, I know her.

And you love her. Okay, um..

...tell me something about her.

She black.

Tell me something else. Where's she from?

What-what's her favorite movie?

What's her favorite food?

Simpler than that, Marlon, what is her last name?

Ha! It's Bell.

Ha! You're wrong. Okay?

That's Dexter's last name.

Chrissy kept her maiden name Rawlins.

So? Who do you think you are, Oprah?

Why can't you just be happy for a brother?

You a player-hater, that's what you are.

Marlon, it's hard to be happy for you

when I'm watchin' you make the biggest mistake of your life.

Why is it a mistake? Oh, 'cause I'm from the East Coast

and she from the West Coast?

See, that's the ignorance in hip hop now, brother.

Marlon, this ain't no joke, man.

This is your life we're talkin' about.

Sh.. Exactly, Shawn. It's my life.

- Can I live it? - Okay. Fine. You're right.

- Do what you gotta do. - You know, what I'm saying.

No, no, you're right. Do what you gotta do.

- Well, thank you. - Fine, but do me a favor.

- Appreciate it. - Do me a favor.

Go hang out with Chrissy tonight. Alone.

Okay? I'll babysit.

[laughing]

What's with the crazy muppet laugh?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

You go hang out with her today, okay?

- Marlon, I'm tellin you it's-- - You babysit?

- That's hilarious! - Yeah. It's perfect.

This way you get to be alone with Chrissy

and get to know her, and I get to show Jenna

how good I am with kids.

Mm-hmm. Now, you're sure you wanna do this?

I'm positive, Marlon. Hey, yo, how hard could it be?

Hmm.

Yo, man. Who taught you how to tie these knots?

- Rick James? - Marlon did.

Same thing.

So, Lester..

...you're gonna remember to tell your mommy and Jenna

how good I am with kids, right?

Nope. And the name's Dexter.

Hey! Hey! Hey, man! Oh, you think it's funny, right?

You see how funny it is when I spray your glasses

with that stuff.

[phone ringing]

Hello? Hey, what's up, Marlon?

Uh, nothin', just chillin', sittin' in the chair

while Lester plays with these knots.

Yeah.

No, man, I told you, man.

I got, I got everything under control.

Yeah. You ain't got nothing to worry about.

Yeah. I'm the man. I told you, man.

I could open up my own day care center.

Quit it!

Come on, man. Give me that. This ain't "Jerry Maguire."

(Dexter) Ah!

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

Hello? Yeah, Marl.

Uh, alright. Ooh.

Alright, I gotta go. I gotta go.

[upbeat music]

[clearing throat]

I was gonna offer you an appetizer

but it looks like you already got one.

Give it up for the waiter!

No, no, no. I'm ready to order.

- Um, I-- - Uh, d-don't speak.

Don't speak.

Don't worry, girl, I got you covered.

Uh, the lady will have a hamburger.

Well done. [indistinct] cheese.

Grilled onions, and, uh..

...special sauce on the side.

- Marlon, I'm a vegetarian. - Oh, really?

I'm a Capricorn!

Your first date? I'll come back.

[laughing] Yeah. You do that, right.

- Anyway, hey, you know what? - What?

I want us to have lots and lots and lots of kids.

Yeah, I think Dexter needs a little playmate.

So I want little Marlon. Marlon Junior.

Marlon III.

- Marlissa. Marlboro. - Marlon?

Marlon, I don't want all those kids.

I want to concentrate on my career.

Career? How you gonna have time for a career?

You'll be cookin', cleanin' and knockin' boots with me

twelve hours a day?

Hey, girl, any time you wanna race..

Booyah!

You just let me know. Ha ha!

Marlon, it's become really clear that the only thing

we have in common is our love for Dexter.

I can't marry you.

Come on, Chrissy. What about Dexter?

He needs a father.

Marlon, Dexter has a father.

And the worst thing I could do would be to rush

into a second marriage.

Yeah.

I guess it would be a mistake to rush into my first, huh?

Yeah. Look, Marlon.

Don't worry.

I know you'll make a great father one day.

[instrumental music]

So did Dexter tell you how much fun we had?

Yeah, he told me you locked him in a closet.

- He told you that? - Yes.

Oh, he, he a wild little boy. He crazy.

You know, we was playin' this little game called, um..

...Silence Of The Lambs.

[sniffing]

Hmm. That food smells good, girl.

- I know. - Yeah, you could throw down.

[knocking on door]

Shawn, get that please.

I'm gonna go check on the roast.

Yeah, you check on that roast.

- Hey, what's up, baby boy? - What you doing, man?

- Yo, what you doin' here, man? - What?

I thought you and Chrissy broke up?

Yeah, just 'cause I ain't tappin' the mom

don't mean I gotta flick on the kid.

Wait a minute, I think she plans on takin' little Chester

to the pow-wow herself.

Don't worry about it.

Marlon, I thought after last night

you weren't gonna take Dexter.

Oh, no. I'm not gonna take him.

I...got him a little replacement.

Cuckoo!

- Barry? - Hey, Chrissy.

How've you been?

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm here to be with my boy.

Marlon here came by my job and told me about Dexter's pow-wow

and I don't want him to go without his father.

- Hey! Dexter! - Daddy!

[laughing]

Hey, I missed you.

- I missed you too, daddy. - Oh.

You know what, I'm gonna take you to that pow-wow

and daddy's gonna be around a lot more from now on.

Can mommy come too?

Uh, sure. Sure.

Is that okay with you, Chrissy?

Yeah. I'd like that.

- Hey, thanks. - You got it.

Hey, man.

That was really big of you, Marl.

Yeah.

Guess I'll be seeing them no more, huh.

Hey, man. Don't be sad.

At least, you made little Chester happy.

- Marlon? - Hey, what's up, little man?

Thanks.

You got it, pal.

Will you come too?

Nah. But I can walk you to the car?

- Okay. - Alright?

You're never gonna be a little player-hater, son

if you can't go [indistinct]

You'll be sittin' around goin' "Ha-ha-he-he.

"You're gonna kiss her again?

You know, I used to tongue her down just like that."

Can you believe that little kid wanted me

to go be a third wheel?

One thing I ain't is a player-hater.

You know, what I'm sayin'? What y'all doin'?

Hey, girl. Hey, where did you get that lipstick from?

Shawn, don't tell me you're gettin' freaky again?

What's up, y'all?

Let's make it hotter!

Hey, man. Is that remote control I'm sittin' on?

Hey! Hey! What's wrong with you?

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.