Original subtitles

Now, Dee, how do you get rid of a big rat?

I'd tell him I want a relationship.

[chuckles]

Pop, you still got that rat living underneath your house?

Yeah, and he's getting worse.

Put out a rattrap with some cheese on top

come back the next day the cheese is gone

and there's a note asking for crackers.

- Call the humane society. - I can't do that.

There already on my case about my recipe for meat loaf.

[spits]

Hey, techie, let me get some of that meat loaf special.

Uh, here, kid, you can have mine.

- Oh, thank you. - Mine too.

Why, thank you, Dee.

Oh, thank you. Okay. Ho, hey! Ho-ho!

Hey, you bit off this you take this.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite.'

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Shawn! Shawn! Black, you gotta hide.

Why the Jehovah's Witnesses are coming?

No, Shawn, Ted.

I just seen Ted Moore, remember the guy you got fired

from the advertising agency last year?

I just seen him on the street he looked like he was headed here.

Oh, I remember him, he went crazy

and they had to commit him to a mental institution.

Right, and right before they locked him up

he said he was gonna get back at you.

Oh, please. I hear it took six men to strap him down.

I don't care how many people strapped him down.

- I don't care how crazy he is-- - Shawn--

- I ain't running from nobody. - 'Shawn, you..'

I'm telling you he had this crazy look

in his eye like, like David Banner

right before he turned into the hulk.

[shrieks]

Marlon, I don't care how crazy he is, okay?

I ain't running from nobody.

If Ted want some of me, he knows where I'm at

this is my house.

- MeCasa. - Shawn.

(Shawn) 'Homes.'

Especially since I've been in the gym, puttin' it up

puttin' it up, puttin' it up, put it up, put it up.

He's..

- He's behind me, huh? - Yeah.

What's up, Ted, man?

Yeah-ha-ha!

Yo, man, yo, man, so you just got out of the hospital, huh?

Yeah, this is the first place that I came.

Hey, man, I've been trying to get with you

when you was in the hospital, I tried to visit

but you know how it get busy over here, man--

Just don't, don't worry, Shawn.

I'm over that whole revenge thing.

I've been seeing a therapist.

Oh, word?

A massage therapist?

Hey, you know if, uh, you slip 'em an extra 50

they'll work your backside and if--

I meant a psychiatrist.

Oh, actually, they'll do it for an extra 100.

I have had 36,000 hours of analysis

electroshock treatments and guess what?

Turns out I'm bipolar.

Bipolar? I knew you had sugar in your tank.

Anyway, I-I-I came here for a reason.

My therapist said that if I wanted to get my life

back on track that I should apologize to you.

- I want to be friends. - Let's be friends.

[speaking in foreign language]

Friends..

Okay, sure, friends.

- Really? - 'Yeah.'

Friends?

Cool. He he.

I never, uh, really had any friends.

Maybe we could, um, hangout sometime or something?

Yeah, great. Whatever you want, man, we'll hang out.

- Cool. Ha ha ha. - Alright, man.

Now, I'm glad I didn't douse you with gasoline.

- Yo! That dude is bugg. - Yeah, I know.

You're not serious about hanging out with him, are you?

Hell no. I ain't hanging out with him.

Look, the trick to dealing with crazy people is

to always agree with them. That way they'll leave you alone.

Trust me. We'll never see that dude again.

Alright.

Okay, I have another one.

Knock knock.

Go on, just say it. Knock knock.

Who there?

- Little old lady. - Little old lady, who?

Hey, I didn't know you guys could yodel.

[laughs] Little olay-ee-oooo!

You get it?

[laughing]

One more of them corny jokes like that

and I'mma knock knock you

upside your head, you understand me?

You need to loosen up. Knock knock.

- Hey, hey, hey, stop. - Hold him, man, I'm..

Hey, hey, Ted, man, can you get from behind me?

It's getting a little too crowded.

- I have to get going anyway. - Great.

- But I will see you tonight. - Tonight?

Hey, since we're friends, I figured

we could hang out to Madison Square Garden.

You got tickets to the Knick game?

No, the Ice Capades!

Brian Boitano is doing a tribute to Ellen.

Be there or be square.

Oh, oh, see, I-I'd love to but see mom, mom, my mama died.

What?

Mama died?

Why!

Gee, I'm, uh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, so, we gotta stay behind and..

...and, and console our father in his time of grief.

Yup-ti-dee! Yup-ti-dee!

Today's my lucky day, I finally got rid of that smelly beast

that's been hanging around my house.

He doesn't seem very sad.

Oh, well, he's just trying to be strong for us, you know.

Well, pop, I guess we gotta handle the funeral arrangements.

Hold me!

I already took care of them, son.

I wrapped that stinker in some butcher paper.

Dumped her right in the dumpster.

Pop, how can you do something like that?

Well, you know how she was smelling when she was alive.

You can imagine how she smelled when she started decomposin'

she was funking up the whole house. Whoo!

Don't you ever talk about my mama that way.

Boy, I ain't talking about your mama.

I'm talking about that rat that died under my porch.

- Oh. - Did you just smack me?

Wait till I get my belt, boy.

You don't just smack me upside my head

like I'm some little rapper or something like that.

Talking about your mama. I ain't talking about your mama.

I see what's going on, y-you, you're trying to avoid me.

Y-you don't wanna hang out with me.

- No. It ain't like-- - That's exactly right.

Not only that, but we don't like your corny jokes

or your stupid personality, either, duh.

Shawn, is...is that true?

Yes, that's right.

To be honest with you

he'd rather eat lunch at Jeffrey Dahmer's house.

I'd rather be Nell Carter's bicycle seat on a hot day.

He's rather be a sex slave

to a whole entire prison.

Oh..

A woman's prison.

I can take a hint.

Just wanted to be your friend.

(both) Peace out.

[instrumental music]

- Hey. - Hey, thanks, little jacket.

Damn.

- Yo, man, look. - What's up?

I'm getting audited by the IRS.

Word?

Ah, you ain't got nothing to worry about, Shawn.

Relax, your bills are in order.

And if they're not in order, there's always a way

to get out of an audit.

Do what I did.

What'd you mean, fake your death?

No, you gotta act like a crazy man.

First of all, you fill out your, your tax papers

with purple crayons.

I walked into that auditor's office

had all my receipts in old sticking sock!

Hat on my head made out of tinfoil, looking like this.

How do you do? Mighty fine. Thank you.

That man looked at me, now, get this crazy man

the hell outta here!

You know, your father's right.

One time, an auditor came to my house

I opened the door in this see-throughnegligee.

That's the way to scare 'em off, Dee.

It was supposed to be a bribe.

Bribery, I never thought about that.

Shawn...now how dumb are you gonna look in Dee'snegligee?

Stupid!

Look, why don't you just do what I do?

If you don't want to get audited for income tax

don't make any income.

That is stupid.

Look, I-I don't got nothing to worry about.

I ain't gonna trip. I got all my receipts.

I'mma handle it.

[instrumental music]

Man, G, I hope we get a cool auditor.

Yeah, I know.

I hope it's a woman..

...with a big old booty.

I mean, one [indistinct] just turn the corner.

Just ass and knees.

[laughs] You're retarded, man.

For real.

Hello, fellas.

Ted, you're the auditor?

That's right.

Welcome to the IRS.

It's payback time.

[instrumental music]

[machine whirring]

Uh, uh, Ted, your calculator's starting to smoke, brah.

You might wanna slow down.

All I wanted todo was be your friend

but, oh, no, you're toohip to hang out with me.

'All of this could've been avoided'

but instead, I had to put you on my hit list.

Hit list?

So you're gonna kill us too?

Yeah, I thought about it.

The moment I got this job, I vowed to get back

at everyone who ever did anything rotten to me.

Well, what did your therapist think about this?

He's in tax-jail.

I audited him this morning.

Okay!

That you owe your Uncle Sam.

Uh-ha! Ah, ah, ah.

We got him, Shawn.

We don't have to pay him nothing.

- Yeah. - We don't have an Uncle Sam.

Only an Uncle Cletus.

- $25,000? - Ooh-hoo!

Well, well, since he's our uncle, don't we get a discount?

No!

$25,000, please?

Yo, man, I got all my receipts, man.

How'd you come up with this number?

Oh, I went back seven years.

- Oh, shit. - I don't have that kinda money.

Well, perhaps you should've thought about that

before youdissed

Now, all I need to do is type it into the system

and it'll be official.

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait a minute, Ted. Hands down.

Now, let's see.

'See, Ted, w-what, you don't understand'

about me and Marlon, man

see, w-we like to play around.

- Yeah, yeah. - We're crazy.

- Oh, man! - We're comedians.

W-we was cracking on each other..

Watch this.

- Shawn.. - What?

Your mama's so greedy, she bit off one of her father's toes

just because they had a corn on it.

[laughing]

(Shawn) 'A corn on it!'

Well, what I think about your mama, um, uh..

About how your mama's hair's so nappy

that when she try and comb her hair

it sound like a pack of firecrackers.

- Ha ha. - Pak, pak, pak!

I have a good one, uh, you guys are so stupid

you're makin' mama jokes

even though you both got the samemama!

[laughing]

He got it! He got what we're doing.

The same mama!

You're witty, witty-whitey, that's what we'll call you.

You're funnier than Seinfeld.

Now, we just gotta get here and press delete real fast.

No, no. Let's press save.

I don't see why I should party with you guys.

You didn't wanna hang out with me before.

- Well.. - Oh, come on, Ted, man.

- Just give us anotherchance. - 'Come on, Ted.'

Hey, look, if you don't audit us

we'll do anything you want, huh?

Will you hang out with me?

And do whatever I want?

Wow.

Yeah. Whatever you want.

[instrumental music]

I can't believe this guy had me busting

the blackheads on his back.

I don't know how long, how much longer I can do this, man.

Hey, look, it's either this or $25,000.

Alright, so let's make the best of it.

Talk to a couple of little honey dips up in here.

Look at that one, right over there.

- Ha ha! - Yeah. Thanks, kid.

Hey, girl, where are they?

[chuckles] Where's what?

Your wings?

I know an angel when I see one.

[chuckles]

That's good.

So you here by yourself?

Not anymore.

- Word. You want a drink? - Mm.

Hey, yo, my man..

Hey, Shawn, uh, is this the hoe you were telling me about?

Hoe?

[laughing]

Yo, man, why'd you do that?

Well, I-I-I got something better lined up.

Hey..

These are the two guys I was telling you about, girls.

Go ahead, get your groove on.

[instrumental music]

Hey, this ain't so bad, Shawn.

No, no, no, no, not that dance!

Y-you know the one I like.

[music continues]

Yo, man, this white boy dance is tiring, yo.

Yeah, now I know why they're always offbeat.

Oh, ho-ho. Wow!

I did not think getting back

at you guys would be this fun.

I'm just sorry you're the last two names on my list.

- What's that? - This is, uh..

Oh, it's just, uh, names of all the people

I wanted to get even with.

[chuckles]

Well, that's great, let's call it a night.

- See ya. - Ah, not so fast.

The night is young.

What about that song we talked about?

- Oh, come on, Ted. - Yo, stop, yo.

Come on, man, you had us already

singing in the cab.

But not...in costume.

[crowd cheering]

[Village People singing "YMCA"]

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ They have everything for you men to enjoy ♪

♪ You can hang out with all the boys ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ You can get yourself cleaned you can have a good meal ♪

♪ You can do whatever you feel ♪

♪ Young man are you listening to me ♪

♪ I said young man what do you want to be ♪

♪ I said young man you can make real your dreams ♪

♪ But you got to know this one thing ♪

♪ No man does it all by himself ♪

♪ I said young man put your pride on the shelf ♪

♪ And just go there to the YMCA ♪

♪ I'm sure they can help.. ♪♪

Did Ted make you wear that stuff?

The next thing you'd know you'll be dancing

and singing some disco songs in some sleazy karaoke bar.

[Marlon laughing]

Oh, no, no. Not us, Dee.

W-w-we got our dignity.

Hey, look, Dee, the only reason

why I'm doing this is to avoid our audit.

Oh, well, what's worse, an audit or loosing your self-respect?

Losing my newsstand.

Ah, well, son, every great man has had to face

a moment of truth, I think, this is yours.

Yeah, Shawn, I gotta tell you the truth.

I don't know how much longer I can do this, man.

I feel you, Marlon, man.

I don't know, you know, it's weird

I don't think this dude is ever gonna get

tired of punkin' us.

I think, it's time for me to stand up to him.

Come on, Shawn, are you ready?

Yeah, he's ready.

Go ahead, Shawn, tell him.

Hey, yo, look, Ted, we need to talk, man.

Now, I know, you got the power to ruin me financially.

- For life. - For life.

Fine, for life, but you know what?

Nothing you could do to me could be worse

than what you did these past couple of days.

- I had enough. - Alright.

If that's the way you feel, Shawn.

Uh...be down in my office tomorrow at 11 a.m.

and bring the old man.

- He's going down too. - Me?

Me?

Me!

Oh, lordy lord!

Help me, somebody. Please, help me, please, help me, help me.

[instrumental music]

Boys, I don't have the receipts to back up the lies

I put on my tax form.

Thank God I got this.

Pop, you're like the ghetto tin man.

Listen, that's not gonna work, man.

This guy's got it in for us.

Here they are, Mr. Keeler, the Williams clan.

Sign right here.

Here.

Start the whole collection process.

[brushing]

Except for him.

Get this crazy man, the hell out of this office.

Wow! $25,000!

Now, now, wait a minute, Mr. Keeler.

We were unfairly targeted by Ted over here.

That's right. All because I got him fired last year.

- Is that true? - Yeah, it's true.

He even carries around a little list

of people he's gonna get back at.

That is ridiculous, yo-you can't prove any of that.

Oh, yeah? Bam!

What's that?

'I found it in the dumpster behind the pool hall.'

You must have fished through that garbage for hours.

That's right, baby.

Never underestimate how low

a Williams would go to save his butt.

- Pretty smart, stupid. - Thanks, jackass.

Now let's see who we got on this list.

Oh, his mom, his scout master

his bald-headed boss, Mr. Keeler.

You're the one who initiated that audit on me last summer?

I had seniority for that corner office

and you gave it to Brad.

I've seen enough.

You're fired!

Get out of here! Go!

I will get you for this, Williams.

If it's the last thing I ever do.

On behalf of the IRS, I'm terribly, terribly sorry

for all the trouble Ted has put you through.

That's alright. Put it there.

Give me some love, baby. Give me some love.

[exhales sharply]

(Shawn) 'You know what?'

I'm not sure that I'm alright with this.

You know what? I think we should sue.

We should sue you guys fo-for all the pain

and suffering you caused us.

Well, of course, we could always

reassign someone new to the audit.

You know, I'm feelin' better already.

Phew! It's a new day. Come on, let's bounce.

Alright.

Say, Shawn, you didn't let that Ted

push you around and you made out just fine.

I know. Trust me, Dee, I won't be makin' anymore enemies.

Hey, I kind of feel sorry for old Ted.

I mean, first he got sent to the crazy house

now he's gettin' fired from another job.

Yeah, I know.

I wonder who's gonna hire him now.

Package for Mr. Williams.

I'm b-a-a-ack!

[screaming]

[pop music]

Yo, man, this white boy dance is tiring yo!

Yeah. Now I know why they're always offbeat.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.