Original subtitles

Enjoy yourselves.

Damn, pop.

Why is it so packed in here?

You must have got rid of those roaches.

Shh!

I told you those were water bugs.

Take a look at this.

"Pop's Cheesecake Eating Contest.

Eat a whole cheesecake and win a $100."

[laughs] I dropped these bad boys by the colleges

and now I got these idiots..

I mean, frat boys, buyin' these cakes at $40 a pop.

The secret, nobody can eat a whole one. I'm gonna be rich.

- Ye-ti-ti. - Oh, brother.

You're a genius, pop.

- Oh! - 'Uh-oh.'

Another one bites the dust.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

- Oh! - A good try, my dear.

That would be $40, thank you.

Oh, I don't feel so good. Oh!

Well, you know, we'll not be liable

for any medical problem that might incur

while you pickin' up on yourself, my dear.

Would you kindly sign this release?

Oh. Oh. No.

- Come on, sign the release. - Oh, my God.

Sign the release. Please sign the release.

- You have to help me. Oh! - Sign the release.

Well, damn, Greedy.

[groaning]

How much cheesecake did you eat?

Marlon, that's not cheesecake. This lady's about to give birth.

You know we don't deliver.

People, people, we have an emergency situation here.

Can anybody help us deliver a baby?

Wait. Hold on, everybody..

Oh, Lord. Help me, somebody, please.

Help me, help me, help me, help me, please.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print! Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite! That is..'

[upbeat music]

Sit down.. There you go.

- Move! - No, man. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

We can't just leave

this young lady like this.

It's up to us to birth this child.

Pop, I can't.

Pop, I threw up

when I dissected a frog, pop.

Pop, I faint when I get a paper cut, pop.

Pop, I wet the bed when I see blood, pop.

- I wet the bed. - Will you stop it, Marlon?

- Marlon. Listen to me, Marlon. - Yes.

Just dial 9-1-1.

9-1-1, 9-1-1, okay, okay.

What's the area code?

- 9-1-1, 9-1-1! - 9-1-1.

Don't slap me.

I need some towels. I need some hot water.

And get me a half a pint Old Grand-Dad.

- Make it half a gallon. - What's the whiskey for?

I know what it's like to watch a women give birth.

Oh, come on, pop, enough with the jokes, man.

We gotta get this table out of the way.

- Hold on a little, lady. - Okay, lady. What's your name?

Tracy. O-oh!

- Alright, Tracy Oh.. - Oh!

Lay back, lay back.

Make yourself comfortable, okay? Make yourself really comfort..

Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Wait. Not that comfortable.

I don't know you like that, girl.

Okay, um..

[screaming] It's coming. Oh, it's coming. Oh.

I'm leaving, I'm leaving. Pop, take over.

Well, you were the wide receiver in high school. You take over.

Hey, I lied. I was the water boy. Take over.

Her water just broke, boy.

Okay, hang on, chill.

Help me, somebody. Help me, somebody, please.

- Come here. - Okay, where is the patient?

She's the one with the baby stickin' out. Like this.

Alright, honey, you listen to me now.

Okay, I want you to concentrate on breathing

during your contraction.

Short little breath.

Breathe.. Breathe.

- Oh! - Marlon!

Here, here, here. Bre-breathe, breathe, breathe.

Okay, here, breathe! Okay.

Breathe, breathe.. Breathe.

- I think I see it coming out. - Breathe. Okay, okay, okay.

Now listen, when I say so..

...I want you to push.

Just bear down and give it everything you got.

Ready? Okay. Push!

[all screaming]

[baby crying]

Oh, my..

[panting] It-it's a boy.

- It's a boy. - Howdy do?

Damn! Well, baby's sure got a big--

Hey, stupid.

That's the umbilical cord.

Welcome to New York.

[upbeat music]

Oh, he's perfect.

Welcome to the world, little boy.

Uh, excuse me. Uh, excuse me.

[babbling] You just hold it a minute.

Smile for your Aunt Dee Dee.

- Just a little.. - Uh, excuse me.

Thank you for your help, but, can I have my baby?

Oh, yeah.

Yes, yes.

[whispers] Yes, yes.

Okay. Yeah, okay. Alright, be careful now.

Be careful, be careful.

Yes! Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

There is nothin' like the miracle of life.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Who would think that

fifteen seconds of passion

could create another human being.

Ah, boy..

- It's beautiful, isn't it? - 'Yeah.'

Wait a minute.

I don't think that woman

paid for her cheesecake.

Uh, you know..

...I always wanted to have a baby.

[laughs]

[giggling]

You, a baby? Hah!

What's wrong with that? You don't think I'm motherly?

You don't think that I could nurture somebody?

You're very motherly..

We-we were just laughin'

because, uh, 'cause, uh..

Come on, Shawn, help a brother out.

Oh.

Oh, what's he's tryin' to say is, Dee, basically..

Look, the last thing you wanna do is get pregnant.

I mean, you don't want any more stretch marks, do you?

I-I mean, what I mean is..

I mean, you don't want your ass drooping and..

What, uh, pop, help a brother out.

Well, Dee, raisin' kids isn't all it's cracked up to be.

It's rough. I tried to leave these two at the park one time.

But that damn doggerman brought 'em right back home.

Well, ever since I was a little girl

I always wanted a family.

I don't think I'll ever feel complete until I do.

Oh, who am I kiddin'?

I can't even find the right man, much less have a baby.

Girl, you better stop it.

What you need a man for?

Marlon, Marlon, Marlon.

How many times do I have to go over this with you?

When a man and a woman wanna have a baby

the man takes the girl out for drinks

and they get back to the hotel--

Yeah, he pays her $20

and he takes her back to the strip

so a politician can pick her up.

I know the routine.

Look, what I'm sayin' to you is, you're single.

You could just go to a fertility bank.

Oh, how romantic.

It can be

if you bring some candles with you.

Incense with coco-mango. Whoo.

No, I don't think anyone should set out

to raise a child without a father.

It's about family, and love. You need two people.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

Well. Who knows?

Might give it some thought.

Now, how do you know so much about the fertility bank?

Look, Shawn, I can't tell you that.

Those donations are anonymous.

Besides, if you say that there's a job that exists..

...well, I don't mind working hard. Whoo!

(female #1) 'Mr. Gilbert.'

Hey, Dee. What's up, girl?

Oh, Dupree, what you doin' here?

Oh, you know, you know

trying to make some spare change.

Mr. Dupree, it's your turn, again.

Ka-ching!

May I help you?

Hell, no.

Pops, give me a coffee, and make it strong.

Hey, Dee, how'd things go down at the fertility bank?

Oh, it is not an option.

Unh-unh. Who knows whose genes I'd end up with.

I might get a big blubber baby..

...with beady eyes and the brain of a clam.

(both) Dupree.

That's what I've been sayin', Dee.

You can't take chances like that.

You gotta find someone that you know who's willin' to help out.

Someone intelligent, honest and good-lookin'.

Well, I do know somebody who fits that description, but..

...I don't know if he would go for something like this.

- Well, Deirdre. - 'What?'

You'll never know until you ask him, right? Right?

I mean, didn't you say that this is the most

important thing you ever wanted?

That your life would not be complete without it?

So now why are you gonna act all shy?

[giggling]

- You're right. - 'What?'

- Shawn. - Hmm?

I want you to be my baby's daddy.

[upbeat music]

Let me get this straight.

You want me to be your baby dad-d-d-dy?

Yes, I want you to be

the father of my child.

Uh, uh-uh, Dee, I know you might think

I'm the perfect physical specimen

but, uh, in-insanity runs in our family.

- And so does violence. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on, Shawn. You won't have to do anything.

Well, there is one thing you have to do.

But once that's over, you out of it.

Now, just take your time, and think about it.

Dee, I don't have to think about it.

Look, you're my friend, and I love you.

I'll probably do almost anything for you.

But when I bring a child in this world

I wanna be responsible for it.

That's just the way it's gonna be.

Yeah, I see your point.

- Let's get married. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Look here, Dee. How 'bout me?

I'd be more than happy to help you out, girl.

Thank you, but no thank you.

Shawn, come on.

Come on, I've never asked you for anything before.

Don't you understand, I have so much love to give.

I have so much wisdom to pass down.

Who am I gonna give it to? I mean, I just want--

Alright. Everybody, look, look, look, just hold on.

Everybody, just calm down.

We're missing one obvious alternative.

A puppy.

No.

Dee, there are hundreds of kids out there

who need love and-and wisdom.

Think about adoption.

Yeah, but then I don't get a chance to be pregnant.

But you'll have a kid who really needs you

a kid who also have a lot of love to give

no one to give it to.

True, true.

Think about it, Dee.

You can adopt Marlon.

Only if I could breastfeed.

Got milk?

[upbeat music]

Hey, shopping. What's the-the special occasion?

Oh, Pops, I've been takin' your advice.

I've been talking to the adoption agencies.

And tonight, they're coming to interview me at my apartment.

Well, good for you, Dee.

I think you're makin' a wonderful decision.

Oh, gosh, I'm so nervous

I have to make a good impression.

Tell me..

...what does this dress say to you?

It says, "I escaped from a Puerto Rican weddin'."

Dee, Dee, why don't you pick out

something that's nice that you already have.

The point of the interview is they just wanna see who you are.

Well, that's the problem.

I've been doing some research, and I'm not their ideal choice

for an adopted parent, because I'm not married..

...unless..

Dee, I don't like that look in your eye, girl.

Sh-Sh-Shawn, what if you pretended you were my husband?

- Just for the interview? - No.

It would make me look a lot better in their eyes.

I'll say it in Chinese. Ho ho ho, no!

Oh, come on.

No, no, come on, Shawn!

Come on! Please! Shawn, please! Please!

I don't ask you for much, okay?

I just have to prove to them that I can give them

a stable environment.

- Okay, Dee. - Uh-huh?

No. Okay.

You can grab my breast all you want..

...but, look, I can't lie to the state.

Why not? You do it every year during tax time.

Shawn, this is the most important thing of my life.

And-and when I ask you for a favor

you turn me down twice.

I thought you were my friend.

I am your friend.

Friends do things for each other.

(Marlon) 'Mmm.'

Well, let me know if you ever need a ride to the airport.

[upbeat music]

Hmm-mm-uh. Hmm-uh..

What? What?

[doorbell rings]

Hmm.

-Mamacita. - Oh! Marlon, Come on, now.

The interviewer's gonna be here any minute. Get outta here.

Uh, Dee, hey, look, girl, I know this, I know this, look.

Dee...I'm your husband.

My what?

Your husband.

You better get outta here.

- Get out of here! - Dee, look, uh, look.

- What? - No joke, listen.

Look, I know you'll be a great mother.

I just wanna help you out.

Okay, but who's gonna believe that I would marry you?

Girl, you better recognize all that.

[doorbell rings]

Well, hush-hush-hush. N-now that's them.

- Now just act human, okay? - Alright.

- Okay. Okay. - How's this?

No..

I'm joking. Joking. Joking.

[laughs]

- Deirdre Baxter? - Yes.

Hi, I'm Greg Seller

a-and this is Kate McCleary.

We're from the adoption agency.

- Oh, come in. - Hi.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Gregory, how are you? - How are you?

Wassup, man.. You alright?

How are you, ma'am?

Hey, wassup? How you doin'?

Um, uh.. Uh, what?

Would you like something?

Um, some home-baked cookies and milk?

- Oh, yes. Thank you. - Well, thank you. Thank you.

You better get down on those.

Yeah. There's one thing my baby girl can do is cook.

Boy, she could tear up some neck bones.

Ain't that right, baby?

[chuckles] Oh, you know?

You are not a bad cook yourself.

- Hey, Dee, that's my spot. - Ho ho ha ha ha!

You're gonna start some other cookin' happening, right?

Excuse me, but, uh, who are you?

Oh, this is Marlon.

He's my husband.

- Muah. - Oh, you're married?

For how long?

- Two years. - Four years.

Well, you know? We've been trying so hard to have a child.

- We lost track of time. - Yeah.

You know how it is when you're knockin' the boots.

Bam! What's happening?

- You know.. - Okay, yeah.

Well, what sex would you like?

Uh, it doesn't matter to me, you know?

I'll try anything once.

[chuckles]

Well, almost anything. Whoa!

[laughs] You are so silly.

He is so silly.

- Oh, thank you very much. - Why don't you have a seat.

Thank you.

Oh, what she means was, uh..

Well, would you prefer a boy or a girl?

Oh, whatever it is, we will love it. Yeah.

Why do you want to adopt a child?

Well, I always wanted children.

I, I think, I have so much

to give a young person.

Would you feel the same way about kids

as your wife, Mr. Baxter?

You betcha, by golly, wow.

You see, uh, Deirdre and I

we always wanted children and, uh, you know

one day I went in for...routine

kidney stone removal and, uh..

Well, the, uh, shots got mixed up and, I'm..

[sighs]

[sobbing] The doctor, he, uh..

He tied my tube.

What tube?

My tube.

He tied one of those little Boy Scout knot.

You know, those are hard to get out of.

[all chuckling]

'You know..'

Well, you seem like a very loving couple

and yeah, and you would make a perfect candidates, I think.

- Oh! - We'll be in touch.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, I wonder who that can be?

Why don't you get that, uh, sweet buns?

[Marlon and Dee chuckle]

- Oh, S.. - Hey, sweetheart!

[moaning]

I was savin' that one all day for you.

Shawn.

What you doin' here?

Well, is that any way to talk to your...husband?

Oh, w-what's my brother doin' here?

Wait? I thought he was your husband.

They both are my husbands. We're a very close family.

Wait, hold it, hold it, you mean to say that

you are married to two brothers?

Oh, well, uh, see, we're-we're Mormons.

Yeah, and we just escaped from the main church.

Uh, the-the Osmonds threw us out.

Right, you know, they were trippin'.

So, you know, we got with Rick James

and we formed our own church.

The Church of Mighty Freaks.

- Hey, my sweet petunia! - Oh, Pop.

Pop?

You're married to their father too?

Oh-oh, I think I got to the wrong apartment.

Hey, Jessie, Jessie!

Hey, well, you know what they say

"A family that plays together stays together."

Now you see why we gotta adopt.

You see, we don't want to inbreed

and have those kids with three eyes.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I saw something just like this

on "Jerry Springer."

- Mm. - Let's get outta here.

No, no, no, please.

Please, just let me explain. No, I am not married at all.

I asked one of these guys to pretend to be my husband

so that I could look better in front of you.

Um, I so desperately want a child, that I, I..

I don't have an excuse.

I see. Well, I'm sorry.

We're gonna have to report this to the board

and we-we'll get back to you, we'll get back to you.

Hey, Dee.

- How's it goin'? - Great.

[sighs] Does anybody wanna buy a cheap crib?

Oh, Dee. Don't give up, girl.

Yeah, Dee, you still got a chance..

...even though we did kinda screw up your interview.

Hm-mm. Don't worry about it.

I shouldn't have asked you to lie for me anyway.

Well, we still feel responsible.

Hey, I'm destined to be one of those

old ladies who raise lots of cats.

Walk around in a dirty house coat

with her breasts hangin' down her knees.

But don't feel bad.

Now you know, Dee, that's not gonna happen to you.

You're allergic to cats.

(Marlon) 'Hey, look, it's the old dude from the adoption agency.'

Tryin' to cheer me up. You just let me be depressed, okay.

- Hey, wassup, man? - Good.

- I'm alright. - Cool.

Uh, Deirdre, I think we need to discuss

what happened last night.

Oh, I already said I was sorry.

You're not here to press charges, are you?

No, no, no, it-it's, uh..

Well, actually, we're thinking of giving you a second chance.

Oh, my God!

Oh, Lord! Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you! - Yes.

Well, you know, it's not a sure thing by any means

but after we talked about it, Kate and I just thought that..

Well, to put on that kind of a production

it seems like you're a pretty dedicated person.

And-and your friends, they seem to think a lot of you too.

- Oh. - She's the best.

- 'Yeah.' - Couldn't be better.

Wish she was my mama.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Look, all you have to do is make a separate appointment

with Kate and meet with her by yourself

and then if things go well

then she'll put you back on the list.

You're not gonna be there this time?

No, I-I think, I need to remove myself from the process.

I, uh, have a conflict of interest.

What's that?

Well, I was wondering if you might

want to go on a date with me.

A date?

Oh-oh-oh, I don't believe it.

Oh, a good-lookin' man with a job

and you're not married?

- Oh, no. - Oh, Lord!

It's Christmas again.

So I can take that as a yes?

Oh, I better take you up on this promise

just in case somebody pinches me.

- Uh, well, it could be me. - Oh, you better stop.

[chuckling]

- Oh. - Come on.

Bye, gentlemen.

[chuckles]

♪ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ♪

♪ Everywhere we go ♪♪

Oh, isn't that something? Dee's gotta date.

Yeah, that's strange.

'Cause with Dee and men, somethin' usually go wrong.

Yeah, well not this time.

I tell you, it's pretty good to see

thing go Dee's way for once.

Yeah.

[tires screeching]

[crashing]

Don't worry, he's okay.

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ It's Christmas ♪♪

Oh, shut up!

[indistinct chattering]

Okay, I want you to concentrate on breathing

during your contractions.

Short little breath.

Breathe.. Breathe.

- Oh. - Marlon.

Here, here, here. Bre-breathe, breathe, breathe.

Okay, here breathe.

Okay, breathe, breathe.. Breathe.

- I think I see it comin' out. - Breathe.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, listen, when I say so..

...I want you to push.

Just bear down

and give it everything you got.

Ready? Okay. Push!

[all screaming]

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say "Cheese."