Original subtitles

Hey, kid. What's up?

Is everything at the apartment set for Pop's birthday party?

- Oh, yeah, baby boy. - Alright.

Me and Grandma are going to the apartment

puttin' up the decorations this afternoon.

And once you and Dupree pick up the gift

and the cake, we should be straight.

Cake, man. What kinda cake y'all gonna get him?

Triple layer, chocolate chip

with raspberry filling.

- Can I lick the box? - Hell no.

Marlon, you make sure you carry it.

- Almost there, baby. - Alright.

So, what you guys got him?

We got him the best gift any kid could give their pops.

[gasping]

Ooh! "A Rolex with Swiss precision

fourteen carat gold band and diamond face?"

Hell no. You're readin' the wrong page, girl.

The Brolex, with the CPT precision..

...guaranteed to keep you five minutes late.

I guess, it's the thought that counts.

(Marlon) 'Mm-hmm.'

Hey, man.

Why we gettin' him a cheap watch?

Well, maybe 'cause you only chipped in three dollars.

Shoot. You should have caught me before Tyson fight.

[imitating Tyson] Huh, you're that's pretty funny.

Hey, kid, can you picture Pop's reaction

if we got him a real Rolex?

[imitating Pops] Oh, boy! You got me a real Rolex?

And it doesn't even have the serial numbers

scratched off this time.

[imitating Pops] A-and brother, now that I got this watch, I'm so sidity

me and your mama's gonna be knockin' boots..

(together) ...all night long.

Bang, bang, bang!

[theme music]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful guys! Dynamite! That is..'

[upbeat music]

[instrumental music]

(Dee) 'Oh...look at you!'

Happy birthday, Pops!

- Happy birthday, Pops! - Happy birthday, Pops!

Thank ya!

What are you two huddled back there for?

You wouldn't be tryin' to hide my birthday present, would ya?

Stop it, Pops, look, you're not gonna find out

what we got you until tonight.

Now stop. Don't even ask.

Well, I'll be there 7 O'clock sharp ready to party.

Don't worry, I'll bring my own pinata.

Come on, Dee.

Let me buy you a little birthday drink.

Well, I don't drink this early.

Man, G.

He's gonna be so excited when he finds out

what we got him, you know?

Yeah. Hey, look..

I'mma go pick up his present.

Alright, Marlon. Now this is a big responsibility for you.

And you know how important this day is to Pops.

So do not screw this up.

Come on, black. Why you gonna disrespect me like that?

I'm sayin', I know how to handle my business!

- Now, Marlon-- - I can handle my business!

Come on, baby child. Let's go, baby.

I got a lot of business.

I was just testin' you. See, you're on your toes.

I like that, bro. You're on your toes.

(Shawn) 'I'm on my toes.'

[instrumental music]

Yo, G, you need to really slow down, man.

I got a lotta problems with my ankles.

Problem is you got too much weight on 'em.

Now move your big behind on.

Why are you comin' off on me like that, man?

I'm sorry, black. I was just thinkin' of my Pops, man.

I mean, every year we get him a cheap gift.

I just want to get him somethin' nice, you know what I'm sayin'?

Yo, man, I'm sure your Pops

will be cool with whatever y'all get him.

He's probably happy y'all ain't puttin' him a home.

We need to put you in fat camp.

I don't know man, there must be some way

to get him that fancy Rolex.

(male #2) Come on, now, Li'l Joe. Come on! Hmm! Hmm!

This is the worst streak of bad luck I have ever had.

- Dupree, come on. - Yo, man.

Son, come on.

Are you gonna gamble with the money for your father's gift?

I'm sayin' the money I earn, I could get him a real Rolex, man.

Look, come on, G, look it, T.C. is stone cold, man.

I'm sayin', this will be as easy as takin' money from government.

Hey, if we're lucky, I'll even buy you a Whopper.

Hey, you really think I'm gonna let a Whopper

come between me and my better judgment?

With

Man, if you put it that way, you need to go on over there

and handle your business, you understand me?

- That's what I'm sayin'. - Yeah, it's on.

Yo, what's up? What they in for?

A Whopper with cheese, partner. A Whopper with cheese.

T.C., I'mma take you for everything you own.

Marlon and Dupree should be here by now.

Hope they're not somewhere goofin' off.

Grandma, Marlon knows how important this day is.

I'm sure he's got everything under control.

Boy, get your hairy arms off me.

Now, looks like I have everything you own.

Oh, you can have your shirts back.

I don't wear cotton.

You know what, I'm gonna be a big man about this.

A small step for a giant.

Here are your jackets.

- Oh. - Come on, brother.

Man, Dupree! What am I gonna do about my father's gift?

I can't go back to the crib. Shawn will kill me, man.

Yup.

God, all I had to do was get my father's present.

I can't do nothin' right.

I feel worthless, man.

Huh. Yeah, you should.

I thought I wasn't nothin'. But you really ain't squat!

I might as well just eat my father's cake.

No!

- 'I couldn't help myself!' - No!

You didn't eat my daddy's birthday cake?

I couldn't help myself, man. You never got the Whopper.

Negro, you ate the candles!

I'm just weak, man.

I'm just a weak, fat little man.

God, I've messed up before, but not like this, man.

You want to lick the box?

[instrumental music]

I'm always messin' up. I can't do nothin' right.

The only good I'm doing is, messin' up other people's lives.

I wish I was never born.

(male #3) 'Aye, thinkin' of doin' yourself in, dawg?'

Who that? Who that? Beef? Beef?

[screaming]

Shawn?

Huh, he wished, fool.

I'm D'Angelo. I'm your guardian angel.

Brother, you ain't no angel. Angel's are white.

[chuckles] That's what the man wants you to think.

- Ah. Enlightenment. - Uh-huh.

See, I'm just an angel tryin' to get my wings on.

Yeah, well if you're an angel, then prove it.

Alright, then.

See that brother down there tryin' to catch that cab?

Yeah.

He been here for over an hour. Give up, bro!

Ain't nobody gonna stop for him.

Watch this.

[tingling]

[tires screeching]

(male #4) 'I can't believe it!'

'It's a miracle! It stopped!'

[man laughing] 'It stopped!'

Snap! Damn, black, you really are an angel, huh?

Hey, what's up? Can you hook a brother's credit up?

Hey, hey. Hey, slow down, junior.

Only one miracle at a time.

What the hell are you doin' here?

Well, I'm here to help you out in your time of need.

You said you wished you were never born.

You think you're all horn?

Alright, then, from this point on, you were never born.

Never born. What you mean, never born?

Oh, so what am I? Some sperm?

Where's the egg? Where's the egg?

What y'all be smokin' up there? Angel dust?

That's pretty funny for a guy that doesn't exist.

If you don't believe me? Alright, then.

Let's go see your family and see how

they're gettin' along without you.

Alright, fine. Oh, hold on.

If you're my guardian angel, are you always watchin' me?

I mean, even when, uh...you know?

Yup.

And let me be the first to tell you, junior.

You need a hobby.

And keep it up, you gonna be blind.

Oh! I'm sorry, God. I was just lonely.

Come on.

[tingling] You ever had that lonely feelin'?

[instrumental music]

Oh, man! That was dope!

Whoa! I got excited for a minute.

Hey, bro.

I guess me not being born didn't change much around here.

And where's Shawn?

[chuckles] Ah, junior.

Shawn don't own the newsstand anymore.

Oh, I know.

You're tryin' to tell me that because I wasn't in Shawn's life

he never accomplished any of his goals.

What, is he homeless?

He in jail, huh?

No. He replaced the Indian in the Village People.

I knew that boy had sugar in his tank.

He used to always do that.

Yeah, Shawn was sweet. I knew it.

Not exactly, junior.

See, Shawn owns the buildin' now.

This is now called the S.W. Towers.

See, Marlon, since you wasn't born..

Shawn had to go get another roommate.

One that paid rent.

I paid rent.

Come on, junior. Do you know who I work for?

Well, I kinda paid rent.

Hey, look, them Sanford and Son collector plates

are gonna be worth somethin' one day.

Anyway, with the extra money Shawn saved

he invested in the stock market, and made millions.

For the last time, get them Negroes out of my building.

Look, I don't care if they are my family. Get rid of 'em!

- Yeah. - Wait.

Since I wasn't born, Shawn's a millionaire?

Well, I'mma go get paid.

Hey, you gotta recognize.

He ain't gonna recognize you.

You better raise up.

Hey, look. Everybody know me, baby.

I'm M-love.

[laughing] Ah.

What's up, big baby!

What's up, black! What's up, Shawn?

How ya feelin', baby? Boy, you lookin' good. Look at you.

Looking all snazzy. Boy, you look like Johnnie Cochran.

Look at your bad self, Shawn.

Hey, I always knew you was gonna be somebody. I did.

Oh, is that a real cellular phone? Let me see.

This ain't without the chip in it?

- Hey! - I gotta call my hoochies.

Hold on. Hey, you girl.. Wassup, girl?

- Give me my phone! - Hey!

Project Bunny!

Oh, Project Bunny?

You even usin' rich words.

- Give me some money. - What?

- Give me some money. - Help!

- Hey, help, security! - Give me money.

- I only want some money. - Security!

Security! I'm bein' robbed by a crack-head!

Hyah. Hyah.

Hey! Hey, Dee, it's me!

What would you like me to do with this one, Mr. Williams?

Uh, do me a favor and just take it really easy on him.

Beat him, mace him and toss him in the alley!

No, wait, Dee. Dee, hold on. Hey, hold on.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's me, Marlon!

- I don't know you! - Ow!

Would you take them big-ass glasses off, you'd see.

Okay, okay, you're in love with the Jamaican drifter

Dexter Longshanks, on that soap opera, "Young and the Sweaty."

Everybody knows that. I'm married to him.

- That's a nice ring. - Oh, yeah.

I can't look at that like that, girl. Mm-mm.

Oh, there you are, Dex.

Dee, light of my life, you want me to kick

the little bubba-squat's ass for you?

- No. Get movin'! - Okay, okay, I'm leavin'.

[Jamaican accent] Whitey boy.

Well, I guess me not being born

was the best thing for everybody.

I mean, look it. Shawn's rich.

Dee's married to Whoopie Goldilocks.

"Popillion's Bistro?"

- Is this Pops' Diner? - Yeah, fool.

See, since you weren't around, Marlon

Pops' was able to study with the best chefs in Paris.

Now, he owner of one of the most exclusive French restaurants

in the United States.

I got to go, man. This is too depressing.

Hold up. Hold up.

No! Come on.

Dupree? Body Builder of the Year?

How the hell did he turn that keg into a six pack?

Well, Marlon, since you weren't around to bribe him

with those Whoppers all the time

the brother finally made his way to the gym.

Start puttin' 'em up.

Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up.

So I guess I just messed up everybody's life, huh?

Next thing you'll tell me is T.C. is President.

[both chuckle]

Dawg, don't be ridiculous.

- He's a senator. - What?

Oh, God, this is makin' me crazy. Come on, man.

- Hey, hold on, junior. - No more.

I'mma peel my cap.

Well, junior, you don't want to miss

your father's party, do you?

What you smokin'? I ain't goin' in there.

Hey, look, Dee and the dude

with the "Predator" hair is gonna kick my behind.

- I ain't gonna-- - Oh, dog, stop tripping.

I'm gonna make us invisible.

[tingling]

You need some Head and Shoulders.

[thunder rumbling]

Come on. Let's go get our party on.

Hey, forget the party, if I'm invisible

I'm goin' to the ladies room.

Come on, dawg. Don't playa-hate me.

Come on, I just want one peek. One peek.

You trippin', dawg.

Wow!

This place is fancy.

Real glasses?

What happened to the jelly jars?

And where's the fly paper at?

Hey, look at Grandma.

Hey, you lookin' good, Grandma.

You gotta go with your bad self.

Look real hard and close.

Do you really think their life is better without you?

Oh, my god!

Grandma's in a wheelchair? What happened?

Well, since you wasn't around to help her cross the street..

...she got hit by a taxi.

Oh, man.

Well, I guess my life meant somethin' to Grandma.

But Dee. What about Dee?

I mean, she's happy.

'She's married to the hottest guy in soaps.'

Why, Dexter over here is so busy

'mackin' all the girls around town'

'he ain't got no time to break Dee off.'

Hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait. Time out.

W-what are you tryin' to say?

He ain't knockin' boots with Dee?

Ha! Woo-hoo!

Uh, hang on a second. What?

Please don't tear down the retirement home.

It's the only place we got to live.

[imitating Grandma] It's the only place we got to live.

Well, read your lease, sweetie.

I'm puttin' up somethin' that's a little bit

more important to the community.

Yogurt World!

Yes! It'll be mine!

But we all in wheelchairs.

Good.

So it'll be a smooth ride when I roll

your little wrinkle asses out into the street.

What's wrong with Shawn?

He ain't never been that mean.

Well, dawg, without you around

he didn't have anybody to distract him from his work.

So he never learned how to enjoy life.

(Marlon) 'Wow. Hold on, is that Pops?'

He looks horrible.

He like Uncle Ben.

Yep. And he's turnin' the big five-O today.

But, without you there..

he didn't have anybody to keep him feelin' young.

Bonjour,

'Let's get this over with.'

Happy Birthday, Mr. Williams.

Hmm. Another Rolex.

Merci.

Yee-ti-dee.

- Oh. - Bang, bang, bang.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪♪

Dang!

Broko-Ono sounds horrible.

I know. I'm about to zap her into some singing lessons.

[puffing weakly]

What's with everybody?

'Nobody's laughin' or havin' any fun.'

'Come on, people, it's a party, not a funeral.'

'What's wrong with them?'

That's 'cause they ain't havin' no fun, Marlon.

They don't have any spark in their life.

And that's what you brought 'em.

So now, do you really still wish you were never born?

No.

I guess my family needs me.

I mean, without me, they're messin' up their lives

they just seem miserable.

I want to go home now, D'Angelo.

[tapping shoes]

I wish I was home.

[tapping shoes]

I wish I was home.

[tapping shoes]

I wish I was home.

Fool! This ain't the "Wizard of Oz."

Oh, my bad.

[tingling]

D'Angelo?

D'Angelo!

[cawing]

Hey, I'm back.

And I'm me!

Yes! And I still got enough time

to make it to Pops' birthday party.

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!

Where's your guardian angel when you need him?

Taxi!

Hey, white people! Can y'all catch me a taxi?

[instrumental music]

I'm back! I'm back!

Pops! Pop, you're not old.

'Tacky as all hell, but ya ain't old.'

And Grandma? Grandma, look, you can walk.

'You don't look like one of Ironside's '

'old hoochies anymore.'

And Dee you still ain't got a man.

'You'd better go on with your lonely self, girl.'

'And Shawn!'

'Shawn...you're a failure!'

My bummy brother. Oh-ho ho..

What the hell are you talkin' about, man? Where you been?

Shawn? You know me?

You know me, kid! Ha!

Get off me!

Get off me, man!

Marlon, baby, you had us worried.

Grandma!

Go on! Give me a kick. Give me a kick. Yeah!

- You're here! Yeah. - Pop, you tacky man, you!

It wouldn't be a party without my baby boy!

Pops, I'm so sorry I'm late.

But look I.. I messed up this time.

Hey, look, whatever you did, don't worry about it.

You're here and you're safe. And son, I wanna thank you.

I've always wanted a real Rolex.

It's perfect. And I promise, I'll never pawn it.

A Rolex?

What, pop got the Rolex?

Come on, man. Stop playin' around, G.

Hey, look, I don't care how you got the watch.

I don't care who gave it to you.

All I know is if the police come lookin' for you..

I'm dimin' you out.

Maybe it was a miracle.

[chuckles] The only miracles I know sing with Smokey.

So, uh, I told him the problem

and he took care of everything partner, everything.

- Hey. - Hey.

My miracles come with a 22% interest rate.

Yeah, so that's thirty for the cake, a $1.20 for the candles

two for Dupree's Whopper..

...and twenty-cents for the cheese!

And the watch. Ooh! I gotta add this up. One, two, three--

Hey, you know what? I don't even care.

I'm just happy that my family needs me.

Just like you need an S-Curl.

[laughs] You know what?

To get that S-Curl, I'm gonna need your money.

D! My man!

Thanks, D'Angelo.

Hey, I hope you get your wings, brah.

[pager beeping] Alright, junior. I gotta roll.

I think I'm bein' paged by one of my heavenly bodies.

Six-six-six?

How'd the hell did she get my number?

Well, junior, see you at the cross-roads, dawg.

♪ And I am gonna miss everybody ♪

♪ And I am gonna miss everybody ♪

♪ And I am gonna miss everybody.. ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Oh, man. Look at you.

All golden brown, soft and thick.

I could just eat you up.

Big chops, what you lookin' at over there?

Is that the new centerfold in "Playpen?"

The one with the stretch marks and the bullet wound?

Let me see.

Come on, G, let me see.

Man, this is a desert magazine.

I know.

Do you see the cherries on that tart right there?

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.