Original subtitles

I don't know, Marlon.

I'm not much of an actress

but I used to be kind of a lively dancer.

You know, I finally learnt how to do the tootsie roll.

Look at this.

♪ Shey ding ♪

♪ Shey ta ding ding shey ding ♪♪

Alright. Shey-tada-shantey-shantey..

Alright, grandma. Your tootsie got rolled out a long time ago.

Now seriously, grandma, look.

I need this audition tape to send

to casting directors as a sample of my work.

Now, please. You just read those lines and I'll do the acting.

Okay. Ah?

You gonna let my hand fall off?

- No. - Billy Dee.

- Unh-unh. - "Lady Sings The Blues."

I can't use this kind of language.

This is x-rated.

Oh, come on, grandma!

Grandma, this is what's sellin' nowadays.

That, and big breasts.

Well, I'm not gonna take off my top.

Even for my favorite grandbaby.

Thank God.

Gravity, boop.

Hey, it's okay.

- Oh, baby, you break a leg. - Ah. Okay, grandma. Muah.

- Good luck. - Alright, grandma.

Get on up outta my light. Alright.

Get on, get on, go.

[clears throat] Marlon Williams

acting tape, take one.

Hi, mom.

Crack yourself, [beep], give me your [beep] money.

That's right. G's up [beep].

[beep]...I got a pistol..

'Up in your [beep].'

She's the [beep].

And [beep].

I [beep]. [beep]..

Marlon! Marlon..

- Have you lost your mind? - No, grandma, it's for my--

Audition or no audition.

I'm gonna take you in a kitchen and wash your nasty mouth.

No, grandma, no! No-o!

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print! Beautiful, guys!'

'Dynamite, that is..'

[hip-hop music]

[instrumental music]

I am strong.

I am powerful.

Money is drawn tome

like a magnet.

I am strong.

I am powerful. Money is drawn to me--

Hope that ain't some of that old gangsta rap.

Next thing, you know, you'll be wearin' pants

with your ass hangin' out.

Oh, man. No, pops.

These are just positive affirmations.

See, this book says the key to success

is positive thinking.

Thinkin' is overrated, son.

Success come by lettin' the customer know

he is number one.

Excuse me, I think my burger's burning on the grill.

Your arm's not broken. Flip it yourself.

Look at that.. Why are people so lazy?

Hey, pop, you know that the dude that wrote this book

made a million dollars just by using this system?

Well, the system is gettin' suckers like you

to buy the book.

[chuckles] You.

- Hi, son. - Wassup, pop?

Hey, wassup, Marlon? How'd the audition go?

Terrible.

God, I can't get an acting gig

to save my life, man.

Now, I know how Erik Estrada feels.

Well, actually, Marlon, Erik Estrada

just landed a role on "Baywatch."

Hey,papito,

[chuckles]

Marlon, I'm telling you, if you really wanna blow up, kid

you gonna have to start thinking positive.

- Aye. - I'm tellin' you.

Hey, "Think rich, be rich."

Know what? I'm so desperate that I'll try anything right now.

You know, I have my lucky pennies drawers on

for ten days now.

Eww!

Oh, so that's what it is.

I thought Pops was making devil eggs.

Man, maybe I'm just not cut out to be an actor.

[scoffs] Marlon, you wanna know what your problem is?

- What? - You don't believe in yourself.

If you started walkin' in those auditions

with a whole different attitude

I'm tellin' you, you would be a star.

Shawn, I can't be no star. Look, I don't have an agent.

Well, I'll be your agent. I'm gonna represent you.

Man, you ain't no agent.

You's a cute black guy with a goatee.

True, true, true, true.

- But you know what? - What?

This book right here says

"You are what you think you are."

So, if I think I'm a agent

then, baby, that's what I am.

I'm an agent.

You know, you sound a little sleazy already.

Hey, thanks, kid. Thanks, babe.

Alright.

Now let's see what's in the "Variety."

- Alright. - Ah!

They're casting for Franco Bertacelli's new film

"The Island Of Dr. Zavius."

Come on, man, I ain't gonna get that.

That's a big director, B. What's wrong with you?

Marlon, you can, if you believe. I'm tellin' you, man.

Now, repeat after me.

I am a star.

I'm a star.

Not like that. Confident.

I am a star.

I'm a star.

A lil' less roughneck into it.

I'm a star!

Dude, I'm a star!

- See, no roughneck. - I'm te..

Just more confident. I'm a star.

- I'm a star. - Yeah, there you go. Feel it!

- I'm a star. - There you go. That's it!

- I'm a star. - Yeah!

That's the way. Sexy!

Be sexy. Be sexy.

- I'm a star. - Yeah!

- I am a star! - That's right.

Now you keep thinkin' that way

while you scrape this gum of the ground.

- I'm a star. - That's right.

I'm gonna go over here and use their system

to get you an audition.

- I'm a star. - 'Look at you, star.'

- Get that gum off, you star. - I am a star.

- There you go. - I am a star.

Damn you, gum!

[upbeat music]

Look, Spielberg..

...Marlon is not gonna do Jurassic Park II, okay?

Don't be mad at me 'cause my client is allergic to animals.

Well, then get rid of the dinosaurs

then call me back, babe.

Shawn, ain't you takin' this agent thing a little too far?

G, that cellular phone don't work.

Memo to Marlon.

Shut up, stupid!

Aye, sweet cakes.

Give Frankie a call. Let him know we're here.

I'm sorry, sir, but you're gonna have to sign in.

Did you say, I'm sorry, sir, I'm gonna have to sign in?

Oh, can we talk? Can we talk, huh?

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

My client's name don't belong on no list

with a bunch of unemployed losers.

No offence, Forest Whitaker.

I'm sorry, but it's our policy to have people--

What the hell is this?

[stammering] It's a tomato.

Ah, yes, and you know I hate them

so why is one sitting on my hamburger?

I can take that off for you, sir.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's already tainted the patty.

You just throw it away and get me a new one.

- And who are you? - Frankie!

Aye, Frankie. Bro, you don't remember me?

- Uh.. - Oh, come on, bro.

Think back. Me, you and the other guy did lunch, remember?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Alright, so look here.

Read the script. Loved it. Brilliant piece of work!

Let me introduce you to my client, Marlon Williams.

Mr. Bertacelli, i-it is an honor to meet you.

I mean, oh, I just love your work.

Uh, you should have won the Academy award

for "Sorority Car Wash."

- Oh. - Yeah, yeah.

It was good. They robbed you. They robbed you.

You know, that was actually kinda early

in my career, but thank you, thank you.

Oh, man, I mean, just the cinematography

of that shower scene

where you had, where you had them

washing the soapy suds off each other with water, huh?

- Huh-eh, you were genius. - Oh.

You were genius. Yes, you are.

Go with yourself.

- Hey, bro! - Yeah.

Look here. Normally the kid wouldn't even audition.

But you know what..

...he like you.

You got spunk.

Well, uh, you are the right type.

I like your look. Okay, let's go.

Oh, man. Word up, G. I love you. Thank you.

- Thank you very much, sir. - No problem, no-no problem.

Thank you, man. Appreciate that.

Whoa!

Say, do you-do you smell doubled eggs?

[instrumental music]

Man, I'll do just about anything to get this part.

I can't believe they ain't called yet, man.

I dunno how much longer these lucky underwear gonna hold up.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, yes! This is the Williams Agency.

God, it's them. It's them, it's them.

'Just a minute. Just a minute.'

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. - Stop. Stop acting desperate.

- Just tell him I said hi-- - Stop acting desperate.

Okay, alright, alright.

Hello. Yes, this is Mr. Williams.

What can I do for you?

Oh, he got the part.

I'm a star, I'm a star! Oh, God, I'm a star!

Well, uh, not so fast, there, bucko.

See my client has a few conditions.

No, I don't. Negro, I'll do it for a Big Mac, no pickle.

Will you stop it?

Condition number one, he's gonna need a limo driver.

And he's gonna need a muffin basket.

Yeah, that's right. I said muffin basket.

You heard me.

And he's gonna need a king-size bag

of Green M&M's.

Alright, then. Fine, fine.

We'll discuss the perks after the money.

- Yes. - Five thousand dollars?

Take it! Take it! Boy, you better take it.

Are you crazy? Hey, Spike Lee movies pay more than that.

You better double it. Take it or leave it.

We'll take it. Hello. We'll take it.

Star 69, we'll take it.

Man, what are you doin', Shawn?

Relax, Marlon, trust me.

I got them right where I want 'em. Uh, man.

I'm telling you, it's called playin' hard ball.

They always call back.

Well, I don't know about that.

Every time I say take it, they leave it.

Whoa! I think you tellin' us

a little bit too much information, Dee.

Okay, leave.

But I'll take it anyway.

[telephone ringing]

- Alright, go ahead. - Not gonna tell you no more.

Just tell him I said hi.

- Hello. - Hi.

Franco? Yeah. This is Shawn.

- Uh-huh, ten thousand. - Ten thousand dollars, G.

Alright, great. Fine. Alright, then. Bye.

Ten thousand dollars, Shawn?

Shawn, they took it, kid! They took it!

Ten G's!

Oh.. Kid, they took it!

Actually, they left it.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Shawn, where's Marlon? - I don't know, pop.

He's been avoiding me ever since his audition.

I ain't never seen him that upset.

Well, can't say I blame him.

Sound to me you were so busy bein' an agent

you forgot what was best for your brother.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I tried to apologize, but what else can I do?

Well, when your mama and I fight, I apologize too.

But we never truly make up

until we have a passionate night of lovemaking.

I'm talkin' about incense burnin'.

Teddy Pendergrass on the hi-fi.

Fallin' out of bed gettin' rug burns

on your booty kinda lovemaking.

You know what I mean?

I'm talkin' about bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

Pops, come on, man.

I'm not suggesting you do that with your brother.

- But you get my point. - I get your point.

I gotta go set things straight with Marlon.

I mean, I may have lost him that first job, but you know what?

I'mma gettin' him another one, just as good.

That's ma boy.

Now, where you goin'?

Goin' home to pick a fight with your mama.

[upbeat music]

What's up, dawg?

Hey, kid. What you doin' home so early?

I quit! They made me be "Howie, the Hotlink."

You call this an acting gig?

Hey, look, man, I had to make a lot of phone calls

to get you this gig, okay?

Do you know that Sidney Poitier started off as a yam?

Shawn, I was standing outside a restaurant

handing out flyers all morning being chased by dogs.

And it was in the ghetto, all Rottweilers and Pit bulls.

Now, peace out!

[sighs]

I wasn't gonna tell you this but..

...I seen you out there.

And you were good, man.

I mean, you were the most juicy

succulent, believable hotdog

I done ever seen in my life.

- Really? - Oh, my God.

Yeah, man. You threw down!

Did you see the sauerkraut I put on my arm?

- That was brilliant. - You see the sauerkraut?

Yeah, I seen the sauerkraut.

Alright. Hold on. Was I kosher?

What kinda frank am I? Beef or pork?

- You are beef, man. - Yes! Yes! Yes!

See I wanted to put the relish up on top.

That was me. That was all boogers, I put up in here.

Oh, that was-that was good, man!

- Oh, thanks. - That was good!

- See, you a actor, man! - Oh.

Wait, stop, stop, stop.

Come on, quit playing with me, man.

This is bull, and you know it.

Alright, look. It was the best that I could do, Marlon.

Yeah, well, your best sucks.

You call yourself an agent, Shawn?

You know what, if you was really an agent

you would do anything to get me that job.

Matter of fact, you was my brother, you'd do anything

to get me that job.

[upbeat music]

Hey, Mr. Bertacelli.

Hey, um..

- It's me, Shawn, remember? - Yeah.

Look, I just came here

to basically beg for Marlon's job back

and, uh, to tell you that I'm not really an agent.

No, really?

No, really. I'm actually, I'm Marlon's brother.

But I don't think you shouldn't punish him

because I messed up.

Come on, Mr. Bertacelli, please.

I'll do anything..

...to get Marlon a job.

- Hmm. - Almost anything.

Yeah. Get up, get up.

Okay. My assistant quit this morning and I need someone

to fill in that position over the weekend.

Huh? That's-that's it?

That's it. Here.

You do a good job for me

and I will see to it that your brother gets in the movie.

Oh, man. Thank you, Mr. Bertacelli.

- You ain't gonna regret it. - Okay.

Listen, I was just on my way out to lunch

so now you can go get me a-a hamburger.

Aye, no tomatoes, right?

No tomatoes?

What makes you think I don't like tomatoes?

You thought I said no tomatoes? I said free Soweto.

Ba-da-da-da. Fight the power.

[upbeat music]

Please.

Don't you take my brain.

[sobbing]

Please, man!

Please!

Don't take my brain.

[groaning] No. No.

Please.

Brain.

And the award for Best Supporting Extra

in a B movie goes to Marlon Williams.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yo, man, I see you memorized your line.

[laughs] I'm trying, baby boy.

Kid, look at this man.

Your baby brother's in a movie.

- Thanks, Shawn. - Hey.

- I appreciate it, black. - No problem, baby.

Hey, it's the least I could do after what I did, man.

Hey, man, this might be my big break, kid.

Who knows, I might be the next Robert De Negro.

[imitating Robert De Niro] You talkin' to me?

- You talkin' to me? - You talkin' to me?

- You talkin' to me? - You talkin' to me?

(Marlon) 'You talkin' to me?

[chuckles]

You know my eyesight is a little bad.

Does this chair say flunkey on it anywhere?

[chuckles] That's very funny. You probably a comedi..

Oh, hey, hey, Mr. Bertacelli.

Hey. I'm sorry. I was just warmin' up your chair.

And-and look at this. My hand's empty.

Well, it's missing something, something liquid

something hot, so are we getting anything here?

Coffee. I'm gonna get you that.

Okay! Places everyone!

Now, in this scene

Dr. Zavius is about to administer

a sedative and that's before he removes the brain.

Ah-ah, great, great.

[spitting]

What in the hell is this?

- It's coffee. - Are you trying to kill me?

I mean, how much sugar did you put in here?

You're makin' coffee, not Kool-Aid. Hmm.

S-s-s.

Um, du, Franco, can I have a minute?

- Uh, no. - Okay.

Okay, everybody, ready

and roll cameras.

'Slide it.'

"Island Of Dr. Zavius"

scene forty-four, take one.

And, action!

Now, this won't hurt a bit.

Mind you, when you wake in the morning

you may experience a little long-term memory loss.

[evil laugh]

No! Please!

Don't take my train.

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Oka-a-ay, that's brain.

- Oh, yeah. - Okay?Brain.

I'm sorry, I just got a little nervous.

Right. And don't look at the camera, alright?

Now we'll take it from the top, and, Marlon

I wanna see a little more fear.

Okay. How's this?

Yeah, fine, fine, good.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Styrofoam cup, man. Come on.

Get with it.

Otherwise, I'm gonna have to replace your brother.

Okay. O-okay.

Paper cup. Coffee. Cream.

Okay. Roll cameras.

- 'Ready.' - Slate it.

"Island Of Dr. Ze-Za-Zanaviea.."

That's Zavius, you idiot.

"Island Of Dr. Zavius," scene forty-four, take two.

Hi, mom.

And..

[chanting in foreign language]

Okay.

Action.

[dramatic music]

Now, this won't hurt a bit.

Mind you, when you wake up in the morning

you may suffer a certain amount of long-term memory loss.

[evil laugh]

No!

Please!

Don't take my brain!

Not my dreams.

Martin Luther King, I dream--

Cut, cut. Woah, woah, woah. Woah.

What was all that?

Oh, I was improvising. Just a little method acting.

Oh. Well, try this method.

Stick to the damn script!

Okay.

Now, where the hell's my tea?

- What? - Damn..

Oh, I'm sorry, I-I just had the silliest idea

that you wanted coffee.

Are-are are you a moron?

I mean, did Dr. Zavius takeyour

People, people.

You're looking at the laziest, stupidest

most incompetent assistant I have ever had, right here.

Yo, man, chill. Don't be talkin' to my brother like that, man?

Are you talking to me Mr. Easily Replaceable Actor?

No. No, no, no, he didn't say that.

See, I can throw my voice. Look.

Uh, don't be talkin' to my brother like that.

No, no, no, chill, Shawn. Chill, man.

I ain't gonna let Martin Scorsese humiliate you.

Shoo, who do you think you are?

Don't make me get ghetto on you, what?

You wanna get in it? We take it to the streets, baby. What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

- Hey, Marlon. Marlon. - Get off me. Get off me.

- Chill, Marlon. Chill. - Get off me. Get off me.

No, don't, don't get off me.

Don't really get off me. Don't really get off me.

Get-get off me.

Incredible. Incredible.

That-that was very moving.

I mean..

My, you really are a very good actor.

- Really? - Yeah. But not in my movie.

Now, get the hell off my set. You're both fired.

Fine. Okay. But you know what?

My client signed the contract.

- So you're gonna be payin' him. - What?

You heard me, Francis Ford Brokela.

I might not be a good agent

but I know when a deal is a deal.

Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll get paid.

Come on, don't be crazy.

Kid, you did it. Good lookin' out, baby boy.

You too, man.

Come on, agent.

Let's go home.

- Alright, man. - Good stuff, baby.

Hey, hey. Wait a minute.

I was reading the trades the other day.

And they're looking for a young, hip, energetic black guy

on Beverly Hills, 9-0-2-1-0.

- A burglar? - Yeah.

Don't worry about it. We can go pick up a ski mask on the way.

- Alright. Cool. - Cool.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct]

What, you wanna get in this? We take it to the streets, baby.

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

- Hey ,Marlon. Marlon. - Get off me. Get off me.

- Chill-chill, Marlon. Chill. - Get off me. Get off me.

Get off me. No, don't-don't really get off me.

Don't really get off me. Don't really get off me.

Get-get off me.

Incredible. Incredible.

That-that, that was very moving.

I mean..

My, you really are a very good actor.

- Really? - Yeah. But not in my movie.

Now get the hell off my sets. You're both fired.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say "Cheese."