All language subtitles for The.Wayans.Bros.S03E11_English

I don't know, Marlon.

I'm not much of an actress

but I used to be
kind of a lively
dancer.

You know, I finally learnt
how to do the tootsie roll.

Look at this.

♪ Shey ding ♪

♪ Shey ta ding ding shey ding ♪♪

Alright.
Shey-tada-shantey-shantey..

Alright, grandma. Your tootsie
got rolled out a long time ago.

Now seriously, grandma, look.

I need this audition tape
to send

to casting directors
as a sample of my work.

Now, please. You just read
those
lines and I'll do the acting.

Okay. Ah?

You gonna let
my hand fall off?

- No.
- Billy Dee.

- Unh-unh.
- "Lady Sings The Blues."

I can't use this
kind of language.

This is x-rated.

Oh, come on, grandma!

Grandma, this is
what's sellin' nowadays.

That, and big breasts.

Well, I'm not
gonna
take off my top.

Even for my
favorite
grandbaby.

Thank God.

Gravity, boop.

Hey, it's okay.

- Oh, baby, you break a leg.
- Ah. Okay, grandma. Muah.

- Good luck.
- Alright, grandma.

Get on up outta my light.
Alright.

Get on, get on, go.

[clears throat]
Marlon Williams

acting tape, take one.

Hi, mom.

Crack yourself, [beep],
give me your [beep] money.

That's right. G's up [beep].

[beep]...I got a pistol..

'Up in your [beep].'

She's the [beep].

And [beep].

I [beep].
[beep]..

Marlon! Marlon..

- Have you lost your mind?
- No, grandma, it's for my--

Audition or no audition.

I'm gonna take you in a
kitchen
and wash your nasty mouth.

No, grandma, no!
No-o!

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy
and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1)
'Alright, cut and print!
Beautiful, guys!'

'Dynamite, that is..'

[hip-hop music]

[instrumental music]

I am strong.

I am powerful.

Money is drawn tome

like a magnet.

I am strong.

I am powerful.
Money is drawn to
me--

Hope that ain't some of
that old gangsta rap.

Next thing, you know,
you'll be wearin' pants

with your ass hangin' out.

Oh, man. No, pops.

These are just positive
affirmations.

See, this book says
the key to success

is positive thinking.

Thinkin' is overrated, son.

Success come by lettin'
the customer know

he is number one.

Excuse me, I think my burger's
burning on the grill.

Your arm's not broken.
Flip it yourself.

Look at that..
Why are people so lazy?

Hey, pop, you know that
the dude that wrote this book

made a million dollars
just by using this system?

Well, the system is gettin'
suckers like you

to buy the book.

[chuckles]
You.

- Hi, son.
- Wassup, pop?

Hey, wassup, Marlon?
How'd the audition
go?

Terrible.

God, I can't get an acting gig

to save my life, man.

Now, I know
how Erik Estrada feels.

Well, actually,
Marlon,
Erik Estrada

just landed a
role
on "Baywatch."

Hey,papito,

[chuckles]

Marlon, I'm telling you,
if you really wanna blow up,
kid

you gonna have to
start
thinking positive.

- Aye.
- I'm tellin' you.

Hey, "Think rich, be rich."

Know what? I'm so desperate
that
I'll try anything right now.

You know, I have my
lucky pennies drawers on

for ten days now.

Eww!

Oh, so that's what it is.

I thought Pops
was making devil eggs.

Man, maybe I'm just not
cut out to be an actor.

[scoffs]
Marlon, you wanna know
what your problem is?

- What?
- You don't believe in
yourself.

If you started walkin'
in those auditions

with a whole
different attitude

I'm tellin' you,
you would be a star.

Shawn, I can't be no
star.
Look, I don't have an
agent.

Well, I'll be your agent.
I'm gonna represent you.

Man, you ain't no agent.

You's a cute black
guy
with a goatee.

True, true, true, true.

- But you know what?
- What?

This book right here says

"You are what you
think you are."

So, if I think I'm a agent

then, baby,
that's what I am.

I'm an agent.

You know, you sound
a little sleazy already.

Hey, thanks, kid.
Thanks, babe.

Alright.

Now let's see
what's in the "Variety."

- Alright.
- Ah!

They're casting
for Franco Bertacelli's new
film

"The Island Of Dr. Zavius."

Come on, man,
I ain't gonna get
that.

That's a big
director, B.
What's wrong with
you?

Marlon, you can, if you
believe.
I'm tellin' you, man.

Now, repeat after me.

I am a star.

I'm a star.

Not like that.
Confident.

I am a star.

I'm a star.

A lil' less roughneck
into it.

I'm a star!

Dude, I'm a star!

- See, no roughneck.
- I'm te..

Just more confident.
I'm a star.

- I'm a star.
- Yeah, there you go. Feel
it!

- I'm a star.
- There you go. That's it!

- I'm a star.
- Yeah!

That's the way.
Sexy!

Be sexy. Be sexy.

- I'm a star.
- Yeah!

- I am a star!
- That's right.

Now you keep thinkin' that way

while you scrape this
gum of the ground.

- I'm a star.
- That's right.

I'm gonna go over here
and use their system

to get you an audition.

- I'm a star.
- 'Look at you, star.'

- Get that gum off, you star.
- I am a star.

- There you go.
- I am a star.

Damn you, gum!

[upbeat music]

Look, Spielberg..

...Marlon is not gonna do
Jurassic Park II, okay?

Don't be mad at me 'cause my
client is allergic to animals.

Well, then get rid
of the dinosaurs

then call me back, babe.

Shawn, ain't you takin' this
agent thing a little too far?

G, that cellular
phone
don't work.

Memo to Marlon.

Shut up, stupid!

Aye, sweet cakes.

Give Frankie a call.
Let him know we're
here.

I'm sorry, sir, but you're
gonna have to sign in.

Did you say, I'm sorry,
sir,
I'm gonna have to sign
in?

Oh, can we talk?
Can we talk, huh?

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

My client's name
don't belong on no
list

with a bunch
of unemployed
losers.

No offence,
Forest
Whitaker.

I'm sorry, but it's our
policy
to have people--

What the hell is this?

[stammering]
It's a tomato.

Ah, yes, and you know
I hate them

so why is one
sitting on my hamburger?

I can take that off
for you, sir.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's already
tainted the patty.

You just throw it away
and get me a new one.

- And who are you?
- Frankie!

Aye, Frankie.
Bro, you don't remember me?

- Uh..
- Oh, come on, bro.

Think back. Me, you and the
other guy did lunch, remember?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Alright, so look here.

Read the script. Loved
it.
Brilliant piece of
work!

Let me introduce you
to my client, Marlon
Williams.

Mr. Bertacelli,
i-it is an honor to meet you.

I mean, oh,
I just love your work.

Uh, you should have won
the Academy award

for "Sorority Car Wash."

- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.

It was good. They robbed you.
They robbed you.

You know, that was
actually
kinda early

in my career,
but thank you, thank
you.

Oh, man, I mean,
just the cinematography

of that shower scene

where you had,
where you had them

washing the soapy suds
off each other with water,
huh?

- Huh-eh, you were genius.
- Oh.

You were genius.
Yes, you are.

Go with yourself.

- Hey, bro!
- Yeah.

Look here. Normally the
kid
wouldn't even audition.

But you know what..

...he like you.

You got spunk.

Well, uh,
you are the right
type.

I like your
look.
Okay, let's
go.

Oh, man. Word up, G.
I love you. Thank you.

- Thank you very much, sir.
- No problem, no-no problem.

Thank you, man.
Appreciate that.

Whoa!

Say, do you-do you
smell doubled eggs?

[instrumental music]

Man, I'll do just
about
anything to get this
part.

I can't believe
they ain't called yet,
man.

I dunno how much longer these
lucky underwear gonna hold up.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, yes!
This is the Williams Agency.

God, it's them.
It's them, it's
them.

'Just a minute.
Just a minute.'

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Stop. Stop acting desperate.

- Just tell him I said hi--
- Stop acting desperate.

Okay, alright,
alright.

Hello. Yes,
this is Mr.
Williams.

What can I do for you?

Oh, he got the part.

I'm a star, I'm a star!
Oh, God, I'm a star!

Well, uh, not so
fast,
there, bucko.

See my client
has a few
conditions.

No, I don't. Negro, I'll do it
for a Big Mac, no pickle.

Will you stop it?

Condition number one,
he's gonna need a limo
driver.

And he's gonna need
a muffin basket.

Yeah, that's
right.
I said muffin
basket.

You heard me.

And he's gonna need
a king-size bag

of Green M&M's.

Alright, then. Fine, fine.

We'll discuss the
perks
after the money.

- Yes.
- Five thousand dollars?

Take it! Take it!
Boy, you better take it.

Are you crazy? Hey, Spike
Lee
movies pay more than that.

You better double it.
Take it or leave it.

We'll take it.
Hello. We'll take
it.

Star 69, we'll take it.

Man, what are you doin', Shawn?

Relax, Marlon, trust me.

I got them right
where I want 'em. Uh, man.

I'm telling you,
it's called playin' hard ball.

They always call back.

Well, I don't know about that.

Every time I say take it,
they leave it.

Whoa! I think you tellin' us

a little bit
too much information, Dee.

Okay, leave.

But I'll take it anyway.

[telephone ringing]

- Alright, go ahead.
- Not gonna tell you no more.

Just tell him I said hi.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Franco? Yeah.
This is Shawn.

- Uh-huh, ten thousand.
- Ten thousand dollars, G.

Alright, great.
Fine.
Alright, then.
Bye.

Ten thousand dollars, Shawn?

Shawn, they took it,
kid!
They took it!

Ten G's!

Oh..
Kid, they took
it!

Actually, they left it.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Shawn, where's Marlon?
- I don't know, pop.

He's been avoiding me
ever since his audition.

I ain't never seen him
that upset.

Well, can't say I blame him.

Sound to me you were
so busy bein' an agent

you forgot what was best
for your brother.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I tried to apologize,
but what else can I do?

Well, when your mama
and I fight, I apologize
too.

But we never truly make up

until we have a passionate
night of lovemaking.

I'm talkin' about
incense burnin'.

Teddy Pendergrass
on the hi-fi.

Fallin' out of bed
gettin' rug burns

on your booty
kinda lovemaking.

You know what I mean?

I'm talkin' about
bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

Pops, come on, man.

I'm not suggesting you
do that with your brother.

- But you get my point.
- I get your point.

I gotta go set things
straight with Marlon.

I mean, I may have lost him
that
first job, but you know what?

I'mma gettin' him another one,
just as good.

That's ma boy.

Now, where you goin'?

Goin' home to pick a fight
with your mama.

[upbeat music]

What's up, dawg?

Hey, kid. What you
doin' home so early?

I quit! They made me be
"Howie, the Hotlink."

You call this an acting gig?

Hey, look, man, I had
to make a lot of phone calls

to get you this gig, okay?

Do you know that Sidney
Poitier
started off as a yam?

Shawn, I was standing
outside a restaurant

handing out flyers all
morning
being chased by dogs.

And it was in the ghetto,
all Rottweilers and Pit
bulls.

Now, peace out!

[sighs]

I wasn't gonna
tell you this
but..

...I seen you out there.

And you were good, man.

I mean, you were the most juicy

succulent,
believable
hotdog

I done ever seen in my life.

- Really?
- Oh, my God.

Yeah, man.
You threw down!

Did you see the sauerkraut
I put on my arm?

- That was brilliant.
- You see the sauerkraut?

Yeah, I seen
the
sauerkraut.

Alright. Hold on.
Was I kosher?

What kinda frank am I?
Beef or pork?

- You are beef, man.
- Yes! Yes! Yes!

See I wanted to
put
the relish up on
top.

That was me. That was all
boogers, I put up in here.

Oh, that was-that was good, man!

- Oh, thanks.
- That was good!

- See, you a actor, man!
- Oh.

Wait, stop, stop, stop.

Come on,
quit playing with me, man.

This is bull,
and you know it.

Alright, look. It was the
best
that I could do, Marlon.

Yeah, well, your best sucks.

You call yourself an agent,
Shawn?

You know what,
if you was really an agent

you would do anything
to get me that job.

Matter of fact, you was
my brother, you'd do anything

to get me that job.

[upbeat music]

Hey, Mr. Bertacelli.

Hey, um..

- It's me, Shawn, remember?
- Yeah.

Look, I just came here

to basically beg
for Marlon's job back

and, uh, to tell you that
I'm not really an agent.

No, really?

No, really. I'm actually,
I'm Marlon's brother.

But I don't think
you shouldn't punish him

because I messed up.

Come on, Mr. Bertacelli, please.

I'll do anything..

...to get Marlon a job.

- Hmm.
- Almost anything.

Yeah. Get up, get up.

Okay. My assistant quit
this morning and I need someone

to fill in that
position
over the weekend.

Huh? That's-that's it?

That's it. Here.

You do a good job for me

and I will see to it that
your brother gets in the
movie.

Oh, man.
Thank you, Mr. Bertacelli.

- You ain't gonna regret it.
- Okay.

Listen, I was just on my
way
out to lunch

so now you can go
get me a-a hamburger.

Aye, no tomatoes, right?

No tomatoes?

What makes you think
I don't like tomatoes?

You thought I said no tomatoes?
I said free Soweto.

Ba-da-da-da.
Fight the power.

[upbeat music]

Please.

Don't you take my brain.

[sobbing]

Please, man!

Please!

Don't take my brain.

[groaning]
No. No.

Please.

Brain.

And the award
for Best Supporting
Extra

in a B movie
goes to Marlon
Williams.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Yo, man, I see you
memorized your
line.

[laughs]
I'm trying, baby boy.

Kid, look at this man.

Your baby brother's
in a movie.

- Thanks, Shawn.
- Hey.

- I appreciate it, black.
- No problem, baby.

Hey, it's the least I
could do
after what I did, man.

Hey, man, this might be
my big break, kid.

Who knows, I might be
the next Robert De Negro.

[imitating Robert De Niro]
You talkin' to me?

- You talkin' to me?
- You talkin' to me?

- You talkin' to me?
- You talkin' to me?

(Marlon)
'You talkin' to me?

[chuckles]

You know my eyesight
is a little bad.

Does this chair say
flunkey on it
anywhere?

[chuckles]
That's very funny.
You probably a comedi..

Oh, hey, hey,
Mr. Bertacelli.

Hey. I'm sorry. I was just
warmin' up your chair.

And-and look at this.
My hand's empty.

Well, it's missing something,
something liquid

something hot, so are we
getting anything here?

Coffee.
I'm gonna get you that.

Okay! Places everyone!

Now, in this scene

Dr. Zavius
is about to administer

a sedative and that's
before
he removes the brain.

Ah-ah, great, great.

[spitting]

What in the hell is this?

- It's coffee.
- Are you trying to kill me?

I mean, how much sugar
did you put in here?

You're makin'
coffee,
not Kool-Aid. Hmm.

S-s-s.

Um, du, Franco,
can I have a minute?

- Uh, no.
- Okay.

Okay, everybody, ready

and roll cameras.

'Slide it.'

"Island Of Dr. Zavius"

scene forty-four, take one.

And, action!

Now, this won't hurt a bit.

Mind you,
when you wake in the morning

you may experience
a little long-term memory
loss.

[evil laugh]

No! Please!

Don't take my train.

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Oka-a-ay, that's brain.

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay?Brain.

I'm sorry,
I just got a little nervous.

Right. And don't look
at the camera,
alright?

Now we'll take it from the
top,
and, Marlon

I wanna see a little more fear.

Okay. How's this?

Yeah, fine, fine, good.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Styrofoam cup, man.
Come on.

Get with it.

Otherwise, I'm gonna have
to replace your brother.

Okay. O-okay.

Paper cup.
Coffee. Cream.

Okay. Roll cameras.

- 'Ready.'
- Slate it.

"Island Of Dr. Ze-Za-Zanaviea.."

That's Zavius, you idiot.

"Island Of Dr. Zavius,"
scene forty-four, take
two.

Hi, mom.

And..

[chanting in foreign language]

Okay.

Action.

[dramatic music]

Now, this won't hurt a bit.

Mind you,
when you wake up in the morning

you may suffer a certain amount
of long-term memory loss.

[evil laugh]

No!

Please!

Don't take my brain!

Not my dreams.

Martin Luther King, I dream--

Cut, cut.
Woah, woah, woah. Woah.

What was all that?

Oh, I was improvising.
Just a little method acting.

Oh. Well, try this method.

Stick to the damn script!

Okay.

Now, where the hell's my tea?

- What?
- Damn..

Oh, I'm sorry,
I-I just had the
silliest idea

that you wanted coffee.

Are-are are you a moron?

I mean, did Dr. Zavius
takeyour

People, people.

You're looking
at the laziest, stupidest

most incompetent assistant
I have ever had, right here.

Yo, man, chill. Don't be
talkin'
to my brother like that, man?

Are you talking to me
Mr. Easily Replaceable Actor?

No. No, no, no,
he didn't say
that.

See, I can throw
my voice. Look.

Uh, don't be talkin'
to my brother like
that.

No, no, no, chill, Shawn.
Chill, man.

I ain't gonna let
Martin Scorsese humiliate you.

Shoo, who do you think you are?

Don't make me get ghetto
on you, what?

You wanna get in it? We take
it
to the streets, baby. What?

What? What? What? What?
What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What?
What? What? What? What?

- Hey, Marlon. Marlon.
- Get off me. Get off me.

- Chill, Marlon. Chill.
- Get off me. Get off me.

No, don't,
don't get off me.

Don't really get off me.
Don't really get off me.

Get-get off me.

Incredible. Incredible.

That-that was very moving.

I mean..

My, you really
are a very good actor.

- Really?
- Yeah. But not in my movie.

Now, get the hell off my set.
You're both fired.

Fine. Okay.
But you know what?

My client signed the contract.

- So you're gonna be payin'
him.
- What?

You heard me,
Francis Ford
Brokela.

I might not be a good agent

but I know
when a deal is a
deal.

Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll get paid.

Come on, don't be crazy.

Kid, you did it.
Good lookin' out, baby boy.

You too, man.

Come on, agent.

Let's go home.

- Alright, man.
- Good stuff, baby.

Hey, hey.
Wait a
minute.

I was reading
the trades the other
day.

And they're looking for a
young,
hip, energetic black guy

on Beverly Hills, 9-0-2-1-0.

- A burglar?
- Yeah.

Don't worry about it. We can go
pick up a ski mask on the way.

- Alright. Cool.
- Cool.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct]

What, you wanna get in this?
We take it to the streets,
baby.

What? What? What? What?
What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What?
What? What? What? What?

- Hey ,Marlon. Marlon.
- Get off me. Get off me.

- Chill-chill, Marlon.
Chill.
- Get off me. Get off me.

Get off me. No, don't-don't
really get off me.

Don't really get off me.
Don't really get off me.

Get-get off me.

Incredible. Incredible.

That-that, that was very moving.

I mean..

My, you really are
a very good actor.

- Really?
- Yeah. But not in my movie.

Now get the hell off my sets.
You're both fired.

(Shawn)
Look up, Marlon, say
"Cheese."