Original subtitles

Yo, Shawn. Yo.

You seen the latest issue of "Playpen Magazine?"

The women of basketball.

Butt naked. Pow.

Y'know, I'll bet Michael Jordan couldn't palm those things.

- Whoo! - Let me see the center-fold.

Damn. You need a ladder to get some of that.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite. That's it..'

[theme music]

[upbeat music]

Shawn, do you have the latest issue of "Drama For Your Mama?"

Oh, yeah, it's in the gossip section between

"The Ghetto Grapevine" and "You Didn't Hear It From Me."

I can't believe you actually read that garbage.

Garbage?

"Drama For Your Mama" is a magazine

full of emotional true life stories.

Plus it has vital information for our existence.

Ooh! Rick James is gettin' released.

- That is vital. - Yeah, you're right.

Everybody hide your white girls, Rick's on the loose.

I just got up the nerve to write a letter

to the "Make A Wish For Your Mama" column.

Yeah, what'd you wish for her? A son-in-law?

[laughs]

No. Just shut up and listen.

Alright.

"Dear 'Drama For Your Mama.'

"I love my mother very much and she recently

"put on some extra weight.

"My special wish for her is a reclining chair

for her bad back."

How's that?

More boring than a Pauly Shore movie.

[imitating Pauly Shore] Buuu-dy!

Here, Dee, if you wanna get in that magazine

you gonna have to come up with something little more exciting.

Now, check out this cover story right here.

Right.

"I think I'm pregnant, with my baby daddy

cousin husband. And I'm a virgin."

Now that's drama for your mama.

Dee, these magazines are for people

who wanna feel better about their sorry behind lives.

I mean, look, they come home from their boring jobs

take off their cheap uniforms and sit around wishin'

they had a husband or at least somethin' to rub up against.

No, it ain't.

What he means is, Dee, you're gonna have to do

a little bit more creative writing.

Creative writing? This is journalism.

The stories in this magazine are true.

Dee, I'm telling you, your mama ain't going to get that chair

unless you sleep with the publisher.

And you betterbreak

Well, I'm certainly not gonna do that.

And I'm not gonna lie either.

I guess my mother just has to live

with that hemorrhoid donut.

- Dee. - Yeah.

I ain't seen her that upset since "Amen" got cancelled.

Hey, kid, why don't we just write the letter

on behalf of Deirdre's mother and win her that chair?

That's a good idea, kid. There you go.

- Come on. - There you go.

Dear "Drama For Your Mama."

Mm-hmm.

My mother donated

both of her kidneys to science.

And now, she don't feel too good.

Give me that. Come on, man. That's ridiculous.

That's unbelievable, man.

Stupid.

- Let's see what you got. - Let's try this.

Dear "Drama For Your Mama."

A UFO..

...just stole my mama's breast implants.

And used the silicon

for fuel to get back to Mars.

Now that's writin'.

Hey, yeah, that's real believable.

I'm serious, it happened to one of my boys.

I believe you, look all we gotta do is exaggerate

what Dee already has.

- Alright. - Okay.

Dear "Drama For Your Mama."

Mm-hmm.

Gi-i-irl.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Honey chi-i-ild.

That's a good one.

[upbeat music]

Mm. Hey, pop, you really out did yourself this time.

This meatloaf is slammin'.

That's not meat.

Marlon, Marlon.

Yo, you ain't gonna believe this letter that just came in.

"Drama For Your Mama?"

Kid, they are printing our letter in their next issue.

We won Deirdre's mother that chair.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, Dee, we decided to do a little rewrite

on your letter and send it in.

You know, of course, we had to spice it up a little bit

so we included the whole entire family.

Anyway, the point is, they're granting you your wish.

O-o-oh! that is great!

Hey, that's nice, hope you and your mama's big ass

is very happy.

Shawn, look at this, man.

"Dear Mr. Williams, 'Drama For Your Mama' is pleased

"to inform you that your moving story has been named

"our wish of the year.

"And to make your additional wishes come true

"we'll be sending you a check for five..

(both) Thousand dollars."

Yo, kid, I don't believe it's $5000 of them things.

Gee, you know how much $5000 is?

You know how many boxes of coco krispies I could buy with that?

You know, a little toy soldier comes with every box.

Before you know it, I'll have a whole army.

And then we could storm Barbie's Dream House.

We take her hostage and make her do things.

Ah, shut up.

Well, you ain't buyin' nothin' till I get my cut.

Your cut for what?

For raisin' you boys.

I was gonna give you a bill tomorrow

but seeing how you're gettin' paid, why wait?

Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry.

There's somethin' I don't like about this.

Now, you made up that story.

- Mm-hmm. - Right.

So, that money was meant for a truly needy person.

We are needy. I needy some new CD's.

I needy a new jacket. I need a Swedish massage.

Man, with $5000, you can go to Sweden

and get a massage from Heidi Hoe herself.

Well, okay.

Pull her by them two little braids and make her yodel.

Wait, now. Come on, guys. Come on, now.

- You can't accept that money. - Why? What're we gonna do?

Give the money back to some second place liars?

You know, Dee, if we gotta give back the money and then you know

then your mama won't have that nice chair.

Yeah, and if she doesn't have that chair

I don't know who's gonna be massaging her feet

when they're all swelled up

like Malcolm Jamal Warner's cheeks.

Bring on the chair.

Five thousand.. Baby boy.

Hey, come on, now, it ain't that much money.

[instrumental music]

Pop, this new pager is dope.

See, it doubles as a phone.

So you know, I could call my honeys.

And if they stand me up, I don't care.

'Cause this thing vibrates. Check it out.

[buzzing]

Now, you see, son, you should have done

something more useful with your money.

Like going down to the Polyester Palace.

Pickin' out one of these bad leisure suits.

Oh, you bought you a cheap suit

made of asbestos and a Mr. Microphone.

What the hell are you wearin'?

Like a old edition and new edition.

Shawn, this is sharp.

- Whoo, man. - You like it, pop?

- Hell yeah, I like this. - Hmm.

Now I gotta take it back.

Oh, I don't know anything about fashion, huh?

Face it, pop.

You still think polyester

should have it's own holiday.

Five hundred more signatures, and we gonna see who's laughing.

Hey, yo, you guys think it was smart buy

all this stuff on credit?

It's the Afro-American way.

Credit.

[doorbell ringing]

Yeah a'ight.

- Hey. - Hey!

Hey, how are you?

- Hey, Shawn. - Hey, what's up?

Oh, I just wanna thank you guys for everything.

Oh-h, you can't imagine the look on my mother's face

when she saw that chair.

Dee, we've seen your bald headed mama.

Believe me, we can imagine.

I am so happy today.

I'm not gonna even beat you down

for talkin' about my mother.

- Oh, by the way.. - 'For me?'

You got a certified letter.

[buzzing]

Hey..

What?

Ha! How did this get down there?

Yo, this is from the magazine, yo.

"Dear Mr. Williams, before we present you

"with a check for $5000..

"...our representative will be meeting you this week to verify

your story and take a photograph of your family."

Mmm, mm.

Oh, my God.

You mean, that they're actually comin' here?

Do you know what this means?

Yeah. We're busted.

[upbeat music]

Pops, what we gonna do?

Same thing we do when

the Jehovah's Witness come by.

Throw eggs at 'em?

No, pretend we're not home.

I told you the stories in that magazine were real.

I don't wanna go to jail.

We'll be fresh meat.

I don't want to be Big Bubba's girlfriend.

Now, you boys, don't worry about nothin'.

I'm gonna send cartons

and cartons of smokes

to keep the bullies off you.

You punks. Ain't nobody goin' to jail, a'ight?

Now, all we gotta do is send this stuff back

and apologize to the magazine.

I can't take karaoke machine back. I had it customized.

Look at them, white shoes.

And you can forget about that chair

'cause if I take that back from mama, that'll break her heart.

I don't wanna take back all these nice staff, shoo.

Then there's only one thing we could do to keep the money.

When the people from the magazine get here

we gotta pretend to be the family we wrote about.

Now, how're we gonna do that?

You know, we went a little overboard

in our description.

Well, we got pops here

and Dee can play her mother.

(Marlon) 'Yeah.'

Mm, well, I would have to pad myself

to give the appearance of a heavy woman.

I don't think that'll be believable.

Somethin' tells me you'll be pretty convincing.

- Okay. I'll do it. - Great.

Marlon, you go down to your actin' school

and get whatever make up and special effects you can get.

(Marlon) Alright, cool. Alright.

- Hurry up. Go, go. - Alright.

Wait a minute. Special effects?

What the hell did you write?

Oh and Dee, stop bein' so sensitive, girl.

If I seen you waddle up in the club, girl

I'd be all over you.

Oh, stop.

Why do I have to wear this stupid wig?

Because, pops, we told 'em you got struck by lightnin'.

Now, remember, you got brain damage.

So you gotta act like Marlon.

What possessed you to tell them my mother weighed 500 pounds?

Look, Dee, if you want sympathy

you gotta be so big that they need the jaws of life

to get you outta your panty drawers.

It usually just take two drinks.

I would put my foot up your behind but I can't lift my leg.

Oh, man, I forgot.

We gotta make this place look

like poor people live here.

Poor peopledo

Oh, my bad.

Now, where is Marlon? Marlon?

Hey, hey, hey, don't worry about Marlon.

That's our ace in the hole.

[doorbell ringing]

Man, alright. They're here, everybody.

Okay, remember, be pathetic.

Perfect.

I can't believe I let myself

get talked into this.

- How do I look? - Fat.

Hey, how you doin'? I'm Shawn Williams.

Right, I'm Gina Roberts and this is my photographer David.

Hiya, Dave. Nice to meet you, buddy.

I'm sorry to bother you. This is just a formality.

But we need to verify all of our stories.

Oh, it-it's okay..

Um, and I'm kinda sorry

for takin' so long to open the door

but I was givin' mama a sponge bath.

Car wash won't take her anymore.

Oh, you must be Mama Williams.

I read all about you.

Don't believe what he says

I'm not fat. I'm just big boned-ed.

Poor, mama.

She was studying to be a ballerina..

...but she had to take a second job

in order to provide for her children.

Why'd she have to get a job at the potato chip factory?

Don't blame yourself, baby.

Nobody can just eat one.

I thought you said

she worked at a chocolate factory.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it was a chocolate covered potato chip factory.

You, you probably never heard 'em

'cause mama ate them outta business too.

Mm-hmm. Very interesting.

And this must be Pops.

Howdy-do?

Dear God! He has the mind of a child.

I'll bet you won't try to hook up illegal cable

during a lightning storm again.

Howdy-do?

Such a tragedy what happened to pops.

All the brother was tryin' to do

was hook up the Learnin' Channel for his kids.

And he lost his mind.

Well, at least, he's cable ready though.

Howdy-do?

I thought you said in your letter

that he blurts out all kinds of things.

Oh, yeah, well, pops is always blurting out

all kinds of crazy things.

Michael Jackson is a Puerto Rican.

Oh, really? Ha ha.

Now, where's this younger brother you wrote me about?

- Oh, you mean, Wildcha? - Mm-hmm.

Uh, well, we usually keep him out of the sunlight

but if you want me to bring him out, I will.

- Well, of course, I do. - Are you sure?

- Yes. - Okay.

Wildcha, come on out.

Wait, hold, uh..

Hang on.

Ah, whoa! Hey, Wildcha.

- You better get off my couch. - Hey, ho-hold up.

Wildcha, Wildcha.

Don't get too close.

And whatever you do, don't make any sudden moves.

- He can smell fear. - Well, what happened to him?

When our mother was pregnant, she drank a bottle of activator.

And now, she turned him into a monster.

At least he got good hair though. Hey, stop it.

Stop it, Wildcha. Come on, cut it out.

Now you know you've been trained better than that.

Could-could, could I just take a look at him?

Oh, no, that wouldn't be wise.

He, he's really sensitive about his looks.

Oh, don't worry about me. I can handle this. I am a journalist.

OJ handed me a black bag. Shh.

Oh, my..

He looks like Angela Davis on crack.

Dennis Rodman has a G-spot!

Could we just take the picture and get out of here?

A picture? Now they say the camera put on 10 pounds.

I don't wanna look fat, now.

You are a heroic man.

This has got to be the saddest situation I have ever seen.

Here, Shawn, you deserve that.

- Thank you so much. - Bang, bang, bang, bang.

When I, uh, read your letter

I knew this was gonna be the kinda stuff

that really touched our readers.

I know you get thousands of letters of people

tryin' to write in sob stories and trying to fool you guys.

Well, some fake ones get through

but we try to verify them all.

Okay, now, everybody gather around the couch

'cause we need to hurry up to visit the runner-up.

Runner-up? What's wrong with them?

Oh, it's not as bad as this.

It's just a blind woman with ten kids.

Really? Is she gettin' a prize too?

Oh, yes, of course. A full year subscription to our magazine.

Okay, everybody. Saycheese.

[camera shutter clicks]

Great. Thank you very much and good luck to you all.

[grumbling]

Now, are you happy?

I told you all of those stories

in that magazine was true.

We took money from a blind woman and ten children.

Yeah, Shawn. And it's all your fault too.

My fault? You helped me write the letter.

Yeah, I did. But you're older.

You're supposed to set the example.

I was tryin' to help Dee, okay?

How was I supposed to know there was a cash prize?

- You knew. - Okay, okay, now stop it.

We were all in this together.

Now, it's no use to go and blame Shawn.

Yeah, you're right.

- But it is your fault. - Dup-duh..

"Dup-duh" it is.

Look, the only way to fix things is to give the money

to the runner-up. Right?

I said, right?

Right?

Alright. But I can only give back half.

'Cause I don't think the strippers down at Chocolate City

have a good refund policy.

I gotta give up my karaoke?

That would be the right thing to do.

Yes, Don King.

[instrumental music]

♪ My brother's gone ♪

♪ My brother's gone.. ♪

♪ Brother's gone away ♪♪

When she gonna get here? She's four hours late already.

Hey, with ten kids, I'm sure she's been late plenty of times.

E-excuse me, is-is this the Neidermeyer building?

That's what the sign says above the door.

What are you blind?

I'm awfully sorry to bother you.

I-it's just that I don't see very well.

Oh, forgive my brother for his rudeness.

- Um, I'm Shawn Williams. - Step. Step.

The reason why we called you

is because we're the first prize winners

to the "Drama For Your Mama" contest.

Oh, congratulations.

[loudly] Well, actually

we think they made a mistake.

We feel as though you should have the money.

What?

- Oh, bless you. - 'Mm-hm.'

I prayed for a miracle and it's been answered.

Oh, yes.

Y-you have no idea

what this means to me and my kids.

And if you ever need some food and you're hungry

bring one of the kids by the diner.

All the kids, not one. All the kids.

Shoot, okay. Bring 'em all by.

Tuesday night between 5:00 and 5:10.

Uh, they can eat all they want.

Oh, and listen, this is Dee.

If you ever have a need for a baby-sitter

you feel free to call me.

It's wonderful people like you that keep my faith strong.

(Dee) 'Yes. Mmm.'

Here, here, take some candy.

Give 'em a peppermint or something.

Give her the whole thing. Here, here.

And here, here's all the money we made for the month.

- This is all yours. - Yes. Yes.

- Bless you. - Oh, bless you too.

- Bless you. - God bless you all.

- Oh, careful. - 'Step. Step.'

Bless you. Bless you all.

Oh, no. This way. This way. Here we go.

- 'Alright.' - Have a mighty fine day.

Oh, boy, isn't that wonderful?

The money goes to someone who really needs it.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

And not wasted on frivolous things.

Yeah, I didn't know giving could make you feel so good.

- 'Oh, yeah.' - You know what I learned?

I learned even though

I might not have everything I want..

...I'm still rich.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

- You really believe that, son? - Hell, no.

I just heard it on an episode of "Good Times."

Oh, snap, yo. The lady forgot her cane.

Oh, go take it to her. Go take it to her.

Hey! Hey, lady! You forgot your..

[tires screeching]

(Dee) 'What?'

She just drove off in a brand new Corvette.

That's not safe.

We got conned.

Hey, yo, Ray Charles ho!

[instrumental music]

Kato owes me rent.

John Lennon owe me five dollars.

OJ handed me a black bag.

Don King used to be a barber. Did you know that?

Mother Teresa pays me.

Elvis Presley stole my song.

Marsha Clark's my woman.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.