All language subtitles for The.Wayans.Bros.S03E06_English

Yo, Shawn. Yo.

You seen the latest
issue
of "Playpen Magazine?"

The women of basketball.

Butt naked. Pow.

Y'know, I'll bet Michael
Jordan
couldn't palm those things.

- Whoo!
- Let me see the center-fold.

Damn. You need a ladder
to get some of that.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're
singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1)
'Alright, cut and print.
Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite. That's it..'

[theme music]

[upbeat music]

Shawn, do you have the latest
issue of "Drama For Your Mama?"

Oh, yeah, it's in
the gossip section between

"The Ghetto Grapevine" and
"You Didn't Hear It From Me."

I can't believe
you actually read that
garbage.

Garbage?

"Drama For Your Mama"
is a magazine

full of emotional
true life stories.

Plus it has vital
information
for our existence.

Ooh! Rick James
is gettin' released.

- That is vital.
- Yeah, you're right.

Everybody hide your white
girls,
Rick's on the loose.

I just got up the nerve
to write a letter

to the "Make A Wish
For Your Mama" column.

Yeah, what'd you
wish for her? A son-in-law?

[laughs]

No. Just shut up and listen.

Alright.

"Dear 'Drama For Your Mama.'

"I love my mother
very much and she recently

"put on some extra weight.

"My special wish for her
is a reclining chair

for her bad back."

How's that?

More boring
than a Pauly Shore movie.

[imitating Pauly Shore]
Buuu-dy!

Here, Dee, if you wanna
get in that magazine

you gonna have to come up with
something little more exciting.

Now, check out this
cover story right
here.

Right.

"I think I'm
pregnant,
with my baby daddy

cousin husband.
And I'm a
virgin."

Now that's drama
for your mama.

Dee, these magazines
are for people

who wanna feel better
about their sorry behind
lives.

I mean, look, they come
home from their boring jobs

take off their cheap uniforms
and sit around wishin'

they had a husband or at least
somethin' to rub up against.

No, it ain't.

What he means is, Dee,
you're gonna have to do

a little bit more
creative writing.

Creative writing?
This is journalism.

The stories in this
magazine are true.

Dee, I'm telling you, your
mama
ain't going to get that chair

unless you sleep
with the publisher.

And you betterbreak

Well, I'm certainly
not gonna do that.

And I'm not
gonna lie either.

I guess my mother
just has to live

with that hemorrhoid donut.

- Dee.
- Yeah.

I ain't seen her that upset
since "Amen" got cancelled.

Hey, kid, why don't we
just write the letter

on behalf of Deirdre's
mother
and win her that chair?

That's a good idea, kid.
There you go.

- Come on.
- There you go.

Dear "Drama For Your Mama."

Mm-hmm.

My mother donated

both of her kidneys to science.

And now, she
don't feel too
good.

Give me that. Come on, man.
That's ridiculous.

That's unbelievable, man.

Stupid.

- Let's see what you got.
- Let's try this.

Dear "Drama For Your Mama."

A UFO..

...just stole my mama's
breast implants.

And used the silicon

for fuel to get back to Mars.

Now that's writin'.

Hey, yeah,
that's real
believable.

I'm serious,
it happened to one of my boys.

I believe you, look
all we gotta do is
exaggerate

what Dee already has.

- Alright.
- Okay.

Dear "Drama For Your Mama."

Mm-hmm.

Gi-i-irl.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Honey chi-i-ild.

That's a good one.

[upbeat music]

Mm. Hey, pop, you
really
out did yourself this
time.

This meatloaf is slammin'.

That's not meat.

Marlon, Marlon.

Yo, you ain't gonna
believe
this letter that just
came in.

"Drama For Your Mama?"

Kid, they are printing
our letter in their next
issue.

We won Deirdre's
mother that
chair.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, Dee, we decided to do
a little rewrite

on your letter and send it in.

You know, of course, we had
to spice it up a little bit

so we included
the whole entire family.

Anyway, the point is,
they're granting you your
wish.

O-o-oh!
that is great!

Hey, that's nice,
hope you and your mama's big ass

is very happy.

Shawn, look at this, man.

"Dear Mr. Williams,
'Drama For Your Mama' is pleased

"to inform you that
your moving story has been named

"our wish of the year.

"And to make your
additional wishes come
true

"we'll be sending
you
a check for five..

(both)
Thousand dollars."

Yo, kid, I don't
believe
it's $5000 of them
things.

Gee, you know
how much $5000 is?

You know how many boxes of coco
krispies I could buy with that?

You know, a little toy
soldier
comes with every box.

Before you know it,
I'll have a whole army.

And then we could storm
Barbie's Dream House.

We take her hostage
and make her do things.

Ah, shut up.

Well, you ain't buyin'
nothin' till I get my cut.

Your cut for what?

For raisin' you boys.

I was gonna give
you a bill tomorrow

but seeing how you're
gettin' paid, why wait?

Wait, wait, wait.
I'm sorry.

There's somethin'
I don't like about this.

Now, you made up that story.

- Mm-hmm.
- Right.

So, that money was meant
for a truly needy person.

We are needy.
I needy some new CD's.

I needy a new jacket.
I need a Swedish massage.

Man, with $5000,
you can go to Sweden

and get a massage
from Heidi Hoe herself.

Well, okay.

Pull her by them two little
braids and make her yodel.

Wait, now. Come on, guys.
Come on, now.

- You can't accept that money.
- Why? What're we gonna do?

Give the money back
to some second place liars?

You know, Dee, if we gotta give
back the money and then you know

then your mama
won't have that nice
chair.

Yeah, and if she
doesn't have that chair

I don't know who's gonna
be massaging her feet

when they're all swelled up

like Malcolm Jamal Warner's
cheeks.

Bring on the chair.

Five thousand..
Baby boy.

Hey, come on, now,
it ain't that much money.

[instrumental music]

Pop, this new pager is dope.

See, it doubles as a phone.

So you know,
I could call my honeys.

And if they stand me up,
I don't care.

'Cause this thing
vibrates. Check it out.

[buzzing]

Now, you see, son,
you should have done

something more
useful with your money.

Like going down
to the Polyester Palace.

Pickin' out one
of these bad leisure suits.

Oh, you bought you a cheap suit

made of asbestos
and a Mr. Microphone.

What the hell
are you wearin'?

Like a old edition
and new edition.

Shawn, this is sharp.

- Whoo, man.
- You like it, pop?

- Hell yeah, I like this.
- Hmm.

Now I gotta take it back.

Oh, I don't know
anything about fashion, huh?

Face it, pop.

You still think polyester

should have it's own holiday.

Five hundred more signatures,
and we gonna see who's laughing.

Hey, yo, you guys think
it was smart buy

all this stuff on credit?

It's the Afro-American way.

Credit.

[doorbell ringing]

Yeah a'ight.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Hey, how are you?

- Hey, Shawn.
- Hey, what's up?

Oh, I just wanna thank you
guys for everything.

Oh-h, you can't imagine
the look on my mother's face

when she saw that chair.

Dee, we've seen
your bald headed mama.

Believe me, we can imagine.

I am so happy today.

I'm not gonna even
beat you down

for talkin' about my mother.

- Oh, by the way..
- 'For me?'

You got
a certified letter.

[buzzing]

Hey..

What?

Ha! How did
this get down
there?

Yo, this is from
the magazine, yo.

"Dear Mr. Williams,
before we present you

"with a check for $5000..

"...our representative will be
meeting you this week to verify

your story and take
a photograph of your family."

Mmm, mm.

Oh, my God.

You mean, that they're
actually comin' here?

Do you know what this means?

Yeah. We're busted.

[upbeat music]

Pops, what we gonna do?

Same thing we do when

the Jehovah's Witness come by.

Throw eggs at 'em?

No, pretend we're not home.

I told you the stories
in that magazine were real.

I don't wanna go to jail.

We'll be fresh meat.

I don't want to be
Big Bubba's girlfriend.

Now, you boys,
don't worry about nothin'.

I'm gonna send cartons

and cartons of smokes

to keep the bullies off you.

You punks. Ain't nobody
goin' to jail, a'ight?

Now, all we gotta do
is send this stuff back

and apologize
to the magazine.

I can't take karaoke machine
back. I had it customized.

Look at them, white shoes.

And you can forget
about that chair

'cause if I take that back from
mama, that'll break her heart.

I don't wanna take back
all these nice staff, shoo.

Then there's only one thing
we could do to keep the money.

When the people
from the magazine get here

we gotta pretend to be
the family we wrote about.

Now, how're we gonna do that?

You know, we went
a little overboard

in our description.

Well, we got pops here

and Dee can play her mother.

(Marlon)
'Yeah.'

Mm, well, I would
have to pad myself

to give the appearance
of a heavy woman.

I don't think
that'll be believable.

Somethin' tells me
you'll be pretty convincing.

- Okay. I'll do it.
- Great.

Marlon, you go
down to your actin' school

and get whatever make up
and special effects you can
get.

(Marlon)
Alright, cool. Alright.

- Hurry up. Go, go.
- Alright.

Wait a minute.
Special effects?

What the hell did you write?

Oh and Dee, stop bein'
so sensitive, girl.

If I seen you waddle up
in the club, girl

I'd be all over you.

Oh, stop.

Why do I have
to wear this stupid
wig?

Because, pops, we told 'em
you got struck by lightnin'.

Now, remember,
you got brain damage.

So you gotta act like Marlon.

What possessed you to tell them
my mother weighed 500 pounds?

Look, Dee, if you want sympathy

you gotta be so big
that they need the jaws of
life

to get you outta
your panty drawers.

It usually just take two drinks.

I would put my foot up your
behind but I can't lift my
leg.

Oh, man, I forgot.

We gotta make this place look

like poor people live here.

Poor peopledo

Oh, my bad.

Now, where is Marlon? Marlon?

Hey, hey, hey,
don't worry about Marlon.

That's our ace in the hole.

[doorbell ringing]

Man, alright.
They're here, everybody.

Okay, remember, be pathetic.

Perfect.

I can't believe
I let myself

get talked into this.

- How do I look?
- Fat.

Hey, how you doin'?
I'm Shawn Williams.

Right, I'm Gina Roberts and
this is my photographer David.

Hiya, Dave.
Nice to meet you, buddy.

I'm sorry to bother you.
This is just a formality.

But we need to
verify
all of our stories.

Oh, it-it's okay..

Um, and I'm kinda sorry

for takin' so long
to open the door

but I was givin'
mama a sponge bath.

Car wash won't
take her
anymore.

Oh, you must be Mama Williams.

I read all about you.

Don't believe what he says

I'm not fat.
I'm just big boned-ed.

Poor, mama.

She was studying
to be a
ballerina..

...but she had
to take a second
job

in order to
provide
for her children.

Why'd she have to get a job
at the potato chip factory?

Don't blame yourself, baby.

Nobody can just eat one.

I thought you said

she worked
at a chocolate factory.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it was a chocolate
covered potato chip
factory.

You, you
probably
never heard 'em

'cause mama ate them
outta business too.

Mm-hmm. Very interesting.

And this must be Pops.

Howdy-do?

Dear God! He has
the mind of a child.

I'll bet you won't try
to hook up illegal cable

during a lightning storm again.

Howdy-do?

Such a tragedy
what happened to pops.

All the brother
was tryin' to do

was hook up the Learnin'
Channel
for his kids.

And he lost his mind.

Well, at least,
he's cable ready
though.

Howdy-do?

I thought you said
in your letter

that he blurts out
all kinds of things.

Oh, yeah, well,
pops is always blurting
out

all kinds of crazy things.

Michael Jackson
is a Puerto Rican.

Oh, really? Ha ha.

Now, where's this younger
brother you wrote me about?

- Oh, you mean, Wildcha?
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, well, we usually
keep him out of the
sunlight

but if you want me
to bring him out, I
will.

- Well, of course, I do.
- Are you sure?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Wildcha, come on out.

Wait, hold, uh..

Hang on.

Ah, whoa! Hey, Wildcha.

- You better get off my
couch.
- Hey, ho-hold up.

Wildcha, Wildcha.

Don't get too close.

And whatever you do,
don't make any sudden moves.

- He can smell fear.
- Well, what happened to him?

When our mother was pregnant,
she drank a bottle of
activator.

And now, she turned him
into a monster.

At least he got good hair
though. Hey, stop it.

Stop it, Wildcha.
Come on, cut it out.

Now you know you've been trained
better than that.

Could-could, could I just
take a look at him?

Oh, no, that wouldn't be wise.

He, he's really sensitive
about his looks.

Oh, don't worry about me. I can
handle this. I am a journalist.

OJ handed me a black bag. Shh.

Oh, my..

He looks like
Angela Davis on crack.

Dennis Rodman has a G-spot!

Could we just take the
picture
and get out of here?

A picture? Now they say
the camera put on 10 pounds.

I don't wanna look fat, now.

You are a heroic man.

This has got to be the saddest
situation I have ever seen.

Here, Shawn, you deserve that.

- Thank you so much.
- Bang, bang, bang, bang.

When I, uh, read your letter

I knew this was gonna be
the kinda stuff

that really touched our readers.

I know you get thousands
of letters of people

tryin' to write in sob
stories
and trying to fool you guys.

Well, some fake ones get through

but we try to verify them all.

Okay, now, everybody gather
around the couch

'cause we need to hurry up
to visit the runner-up.

Runner-up?
What's wrong with them?

Oh, it's not as bad as this.

It's just a blind woman
with ten kids.

Really? Is she gettin'
a prize too?

Oh, yes, of course. A full
year
subscription to our magazine.

Okay, everybody.
Saycheese.

[camera shutter clicks]

Great. Thank you very much
and good luck to you all.

[grumbling]

Now, are you happy?

I told you
all of those stories

in that magazine was true.

We took money from a blind
woman
and ten children.

Yeah, Shawn.
And it's all your fault
too.

My fault? You helped me
write the letter.

Yeah, I did.
But you're
older.

You're supposed to
set the example.

I was tryin'
to help Dee, okay?

How was I supposed to know
there was a cash prize?

- You knew.
- Okay, okay, now stop it.

We were all in this together.

Now, it's no use
to go and blame Shawn.

Yeah, you're right.

- But it is your fault.
- Dup-duh..

"Dup-duh" it is.

Look, the only way to fix
things
is to give the money

to the runner-up. Right?

I said, right?

Right?

Alright. But I can only
give back half.

'Cause I don't think the
strippers down at Chocolate
City

have a good refund policy.

I gotta give up my karaoke?

That would be
the right thing to do.

Yes, Don King.

[instrumental music]

♪ My brother's gone ♪

♪ My brother's gone.. ♪

♪ Brother's gone away ♪♪

When she gonna get here?
She's four hours late
already.

Hey, with ten kids, I'm sure
she's been late plenty of
times.

E-excuse me, is-is this
the Neidermeyer building?

That's what the sign says
above the door.

What are you blind?

I'm awfully
sorry
to bother you.

I-it's just that
I don't see very
well.

Oh, forgive my brother
for his rudeness.

- Um, I'm Shawn Williams.
- Step. Step.

The reason why we called you

is because we're
the first prize winners

to the "Drama For Your Mama"
contest.

Oh, congratulations.

[loudly]
Well,
actually

we think they made a mistake.

We feel as though
you should have the
money.

What?

- Oh, bless you.
- 'Mm-hm.'

I prayed for a miracle
and it's been answered.

Oh, yes.

Y-you have no idea

what this means
to me and my kids.

And if you ever need some food
and you're hungry

bring one of the kids
by the diner.

All the kids, not one.
All the kids.

Shoot, okay.
Bring 'em all by.

Tuesday night between
5:00 and 5:10.

Uh, they can eat all they want.

Oh, and listen, this is Dee.

If you ever have a need
for a baby-sitter

you feel free to call me.

It's wonderful people like
you
that keep my faith strong.

(Dee)
'Yes. Mmm.'

Here, here, take some candy.

Give 'em a peppermint
or something.

Give her the whole thing.
Here, here.

And here, here's all the money
we made for the month.

- This is all yours.
- Yes. Yes.

- Bless you.
- Oh, bless you too.

- Bless you.
- God bless you all.

- Oh, careful.
- 'Step. Step.'

Bless you. Bless you all.

Oh, no. This way.
This way. Here we go.

- 'Alright.'
- Have a mighty fine day.

Oh, boy, isn't that wonderful?

The money goes to someone
who really needs it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And not wasted
on frivolous things.

Yeah, I didn't know giving
could make you feel so
good.

- 'Oh, yeah.'
- You know what I learned?

I learned even though

I might not have
everything I want..

...I'm still rich.

Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.

- You really believe that,
son?
- Hell, no.

I just heard it
on an episode of "Good Times."

Oh, snap, yo.
The lady forgot her
cane.

Oh, go take it to her.
Go take it to her.

Hey! Hey, lady!
You forgot your..

[tires screeching]

(Dee)
'What?'

She just drove off
in a brand new Corvette.

That's not safe.

We got conned.

Hey, yo, Ray Charles ho!

[instrumental music]

Kato owes me rent.

John Lennon owe me
five dollars.

OJ handed me a black bag.

Don King used to be a barber.
Did you know that?

Mother Teresa pays me.

Elvis Presley stole my song.

Marsha Clark's my woman.

(Shawn)
Look up, Marlon.
Say cheese.