Original subtitles

(Monique) 'Pops, you sure have gone through a lot of trouble'

'for this niece of yours, huh?'

Well, I'm hoping to cheer her up.

Poor Sheila's coming to town to mend a broken heart.

Her fiance of fiveyears called off the wedding.

No. S-see.

Men can be such dogs. Where's she stayin'?

With her two favorite cousins, Shawn and Marlon.

- They crazy about that girl. - Mm.

Yup.

Our country cousin has arrived.

What took you so long?

Sheila's bus got here two hours ago.

Oh, man, Pops, you don't know the half.

She wouldn't ride the subway 'cause

she's afraid to be underground.

She wouldn't ride the taxi because

she didn't wanna be around strangers.

- So we had to walk 37 blocks. - 'Oh.'

Martin Luther King didn't march that far.

Oh, there she is. Come on in.

Give Uncle John a kiss and a hug.

Come on, baby nozzle.

Look at you. Give me your luggage, now, let me..

[Pops laughing]

[Pops mumbling]

[laughing] Okay.

You so sweet. Look at you.

Wow. Well, are there always so many people in here?

Yeah, but we family.

Oh, good. Now, I guess my lunch is on the house.

Uh-uh, guess again, stepchild.

Sheila, this is our freeloading friend Monique.

Wow.

I never seen anyone as glamorous as you.

Why, thank you.

Are you a prostitute?

[laughing]

How long do we have the pleasure of your company?

I don't know. How long does it take to mend a broken heart?

Aw-w-w! Mwah! Oh.

[panting] Here's the first load.

Does that answer your question?

Watch out for Crusalle. She's my favorite laying hen.

[hen clucking]

Hey, Sheila, I'm sorry about the goat..

...but it got jacked by some Jamaicans.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite. That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something.. ♪♪

- Whoo! - Damn it, boy. Mm-hmm.

It's not like Crusalle to be gone so long.

Has anybody seen my chicken?

'Crusalle!'

'Crusalle!'

Skoo-wee! Skoo-wee!

Hey, cuz, cuz, cuz, don't-don't worry about Crusalle.

She-she's just fine.

Actually, she could've used a little bit more salt.

Hey, cuz, what do you say we shake this spot

and go, uh, check out the Empire State Building?

Nah. It'll only remind me of Franklin.

"King Kong" was his favorite movie.

Well, how about we go ice skating in Rockefeller Center?

- Yeah. - No.

Franklin always put ice in his drinks.

Okay, how 'bout we go to the Statue of Liberty?

Nah. It's all green.

Just like Franklin's teeth.

Come on, cuz. Listen, you ke..

You've been sitting here for three days.

How can you expect me to have any fun

when all I can do is think about..

Franklin?

[sobbing] Franklin.

That's okay. Don't cry.

Hey, maybe it'll help if you talked about it.

I can't! I just can't!

- Alright, then, fine. - Okay, then.

Hey, hey.

That dirty rotten creep dumped me.

Can you believe it?

I can't believe how damn strong you are.

He left me for a telephone operator from the MCI.

Betty Sue.

He even had the nerve to put me down as friends and family.

Oh, no, he didn't, girl.

Of course, I do get a 10% discount

on long distance calls..

...but I'd much rather have Franklin.

[crying] Mm, oh, Franklin!

Oh, cuz.

Hey, Sheila..

...about that 10%..

...does that cover phone sex?

Girl, you know, how long I've been trying to get with you.

Well, now you've got me right where you want me.

[chuckling] Not quite. See, you still got your clothes on

and you ain't covered in whipped cream.

Well, that's how we'll make that, huh? Huh?

[blowing nose]

Y'all keep doing what you're doing.

Don't pay me no mind.

[Sheila sobbing]

Shawn, who is this?

That's my Cousin Sheila. Hey, what you doing here, cuz?

Crying.

Aw, what is the matter?

Nothin'. She's fine. It's probably her allergies.

My boyfriend dumped me.

[Sheila sobbing]

Oh, you poor..

Come here. Do you wanna talk about it?

No, she doesn't, girl.

Mm, I don't wanna be in the way.

Hey.

Franklin and I, we were together for five years.

We were supposed to get married.

Eh, damn, girl

you want a bucket or somethin'?

Shawn, show little sensitivity.

Can't you see she's close to the edge?

That makes two of us.

Today was supposed to be our wedding day.

[blowing nose]

Girl, men can be so...rotten.

- Mm-hmm. - Come with me to the bedroom.

We'll fix your face and have a nice heart to heart.

Shawn, make us some hot cocoa.

Yeah, with plenty of whipped cream.

There's tons of it in the fridge.

[instrumental music]

(Pops) 'Oh, come on, boys.'

My sweet Sheila can't be all that bad.

Pop, this girl has been here for two weeks

she ain't left the house once.

Groundhogs eat more light than she does.

Yeah, pop, we thought if we got her to talk

about Franklin, it would help.

But now she won't shut up about him.

Yeah, we tried everything, pop.

All she wants to do is cry all day.

And she ruined my date with Nina.

Yeah, she ruined my date too.

Marlon, we talkin' about real women

not inflated dates.

Hey, hey, hey. Blowsephine counts, alright.

You boys don't get the whole picture here.

Sheila needs a man.

Oh, come on, pop. That's sick, man, we cousins.

I don't want no kids with three eyes.

Not you two fools.

The best way for her to forget about Franklin

is to be with somebody else.

That's a good idea, have her start datin'

and build up her confidence.

And when she go home, she, uh

go back with her head held high.

True that, true that, true that. Word.

All we gotta do is hook her up with one of our boys.

True that, true that, true that.

W-word up, boy.

[laughing]

Our wedding was gonna be the shindig of the year.

Whistling Pete Grubs was gonna play

the Lord's Prayer on the spoons.

And the entire affair was gonna be catered by Arby's.

Oh, Franklin!

[Sheila crying] Oh, God.

You gonna eat that?

(Shawn) 'Trust me, girl. It's easy.'

If you want a man to get with you

you gotta use your body language.

Well, I can play "The Way We Were"

with my arm pit.

No, no, no.

Don't go there.

All I'm sayin' is a guy could tell

what a girl is all about just by the way she sits.

What does my body say?

It's saying "I'm constipated."

Hey, I am.

You're really good at this, Shawn.

Thanks. Let's move on.

Observe.

'Wow.'

Franklin never did me like that.

Now, you try.

- No, Shawn, I don't think-- - Eh, girl, you wanna get a man?

- Yeah, but-- - Alright, then.

Hey, don't say it with your mouth.

Say it with your body.

You try it.

Don't try and act all shy. Come on, girl.

There you go.

Mm-hmm. Let it out.

Come on, girl. Hey, put all that in your..

There you go. Mm-hmm.

Now, give a little bit of bedroom eyes.

Get sleepy on him. Big Daddy Kane. Come on.

'Come on, you're pushing too hard, you're gonna scare him.'

Think about what you want your body to be saying.

It's saying "I'm allergic to strawberries."

[instrumental music]

Anyway, my point is we can go up to my crib

and knock some boots.

I'll work you like a rib, girl.

I can take you places, show you things.

Rock

You know what I'm sayin'?

I haven't the slightest idea.

Okay, Sheila. Now, remember.

The most important thing for when you walk into a club

is your entrance, okay?

Now, show me how you walk into a club? Alright?

Hey. What the hell is that?

Well, those clubs are so loud.

And-and all the bright lights, and-and all the people.

- The people! - Hey, hey, hey.

Why, what's wrong with you?

Listen. Forget the people, alright?

The most important thing when you walk into a club

the most important thing to remember..

...is to keep your mind on working that booty.

'Cause that's all that guys look at anyway, alright?

Now, watch me. You gotta walk, you know.

- You ready? - Mm-hmm.

Pah.

Okay? Now, show me how you do it.

- 'Pah.' - Pah.

- 'That's it. Pah.' - Pah.

A little more back, a little more back into it.

- Pah. - Pah.

- Pah! - Hey, hey, hey!

- Pah! - Hey, hey!

You walkin', not fightin'.

Now, watch me. Come here. Come here.

You gotta throw a little sister neck into it, alright?

Watch me. I mean, you gotta..

You know, get a little sister neck.

Pah. Hey, girl. I see you looking at my butt.

Don't be looking at my butt.

You see what I'm sayin'?

Hey, girl. You're looking at my butt.

- Hey, girl-- - 'Hey, hey, hey.'

I said, hey, I said, I said sister neck not chicken neck.

- Good, that's it. - Pah.

- She fine. - Pow.

Smoothly, girl. S-sm-m-mooth.

- Pa-pow. - Okay.

That's it, two time.

- P-pah. - Uh-huh.

- Yeah. - P-pow, pow, pow.

Hey, okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay.

That p-p-p-pow-pow is for after the club, okay?

[instrumental music]

Yo, homie. What you got me up for?

I done been out with your cousin. Huh.

Wasn't giving a brother norhythm.

What do you know about rhythm?

You just learned how to do to "The Running Man."

Oh, but I got it though.

Ah-h-h!

Oh, my God..

You're doing the jogging man.

- Yeah, but I'm dope. - Unlike Sheila.

Hey, hey, hey. You watch your tongue, Grimace. Alright?

Sheila's all that. You wait till you see the new Sheila.

That was theold

Okay, what's so all fine important

that you gotta drag me out here in the middle of the lunch rush.

Yeah, I'm starving.

Hey, you're always starving.

Hey, don't worry about it, Pops.

Trust me, it's gonna be worth it. Hit it.

[69 Boyz performing "Daisy Dukes" on player]

♪ Come on baby kick them daisies ♪

♪ Look at them girls with the daisy dukes on ♪

♪ I want cha to ♪

♪ Look at them girls with the daisy dukes on ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Look at them girls with the daisy dukes on ♪

♪ I want cha to ♪

♪ Look at them girls with the daisy dukes on ♪

♪ Say look at them girls with the daisy dukes on ♪

♪ Girl you really got it goin' on ♪

♪ Lookin' all nice and sweet so a ten and girl you're sick ♪

♪ I do like it a lot.. ♪

Man, baby isfine.

Now I'm really hungry.

What's up, y'all?

What's that crunching sound I hear?

Is it the sound of you boys eating your hearts out?

(Shawn) 'So what you think, Pops?'

What do I think?

You turned my sweet little Sheila

into a shabby looking hoochie.

Can you do the same thing to your mama?

Girl, you wait until you get back home.

They just gonna drop dead when they see you, girl.

What you talking about? I am home.

- Say what? - Say what?

Honey, I ain't wasting this stuff

on no hick town.

Wha-wha-what about Franklin?

Please, honey. Later for that Jethro.

Thanks to you boys, I'm acity

Cousins..

...we gonna be roomies forever.

Oka-a-ay?

[instrumental music]

[Shawn chuckling]

Mm.

Goo-goo-goo-goo-goo.

That's for you..

...and that's for me.

Drink up, girl. There you go.

A smooth Zinfandel.

Sweet with lots of body.

Just like you.

[both chuckling]

And you're like a wine too, mad dog.

[Shawn growling]

Mwah.

I am so glad we are alone tonight.

[scoffing] Yeah, girl, we got the whole place to ourselves.

That's it.

I ain't never goin' to the club with Sheila again.

You know what? That's nice, but you could tell us later.

Shawn, she had rough necks all over her.

- I tried to get 'em off. - So what? They beat you up?

No, she did.

Yo, cuz. What's up?

Why you punk out like that?

Things were just startin' to jump.

Yeah, two guys almost jumped me in the alley.

You know what? We'd love to hear your story

but me and Nina goin' back to her place. Come on, girl.

Nina, what's up, girlfriend?

Whoo! Never mind me. What happened to you?

Oh, honey, I found myself.

- Oka-a-ay! - Oka-a-ay! Ha!

And lost her damn mind in the process.

- Oka-a-ay! - Oka-a-ay!

Come on, Nina, bring it. Let's go.

You're gonna let him talk to you that way?

What way?

Bossin' you around like you ain't got no mind of your own.

- Maybe she ain't ready to go. - No, she's ready to go.

Come on, baby, let's get on out of here.

No, she ain't ready to go.

Mm. This ain't nothin' but some ripple.

He's just tryin' to get you drunk

so he can get some of that nookie.

S-s-s-she's..

She's just crazy. No, I'm not.

Oh, please. I bet his tiny behind was playing Sade.

He sure was.

"Smooth Operator."

- And I almost fell for it. - Oh, come on, girl.

Don't try and act like you wasn't down

for the rug burn.

Yeah, after you liquored her up.

- Yeah. - And to think, girl.

I was about to give him thebest

Good lookin' out, girl.

Hey, that's why I'm here, baby girl.

Come on, aw, come on. He-hey--

Hey, hey, you disrespected her, man.

Hey, what's up with me and you, girl? What's up?

Look, Sheila. This whole living situation ain't working out.

You know, I was gonna talk to you about that.

I am tired of sleeping on this here couch.

Smell like foot and ass.

I'm taking the bedroom.

You see, a home girl needs her privacy.

Okay?

Now is it me, or is old Cousin Sheila wearing out her welcome?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Hey! - Hey!

[instrumental music]

Hey, sweet thing.

How you doing? My name is Marlon.

I'm a Scorpio.

Yes, I'm sweet, sensitive, and very creative.

Yet, you never know when I might sting you.

What do you say I buy you a drink, girl?

How about a little Sex on the Beach?

How about get out of my face? Urgh.

That sounds strong. That got vodka in it?

Hey, two get out of my faces.

Marlon, those lines are so old

you couldn't pick up Harriet Tubman.

[indistinct chatter]

Look at Marky Mark and the Notorious PIG.

- What's up, man? - What's up, man?

What's up, man?

That cousin of yours ain't with you, is she?

She be bugging, man.

Took her out last week, she wanted me

to get my nipples pierced.

You too? It hurts, doesn't it?

Y'all brothers ain't gotta worry about Sheila no more.

Me and Shawn found a way to get rid of her

country behind once and for all.

Hi! Hi! Hi!

Sheila's in the ho-house.

The flavor has arrived. Whoo.

Let's get this party started right.

Whoo.

Bartender, the usual.

DJ, hit me!

[upbeat music]

♪ The roof the roof ♪

♪ The roof is on fire ♪

♪ We don't need no water let the.. ♪♪

Sheila May Williams.

[music stops]

What in tarnation are you

doing up there on that bar?

Franklin?

(both) Franklin. Oka-a-ay.

Get your tail down here. You look ridiculous.

You can't talk to me like that.

- Who do you think you are? - Your fiance, that's who.

Fiance? I thought you dumped me for Betty Sue.

The [indistinct]-showing ho.

I never cared about her.

I just got cold feet about tying the knot

and...she had this real soothin' voice.

She kept talking about peak hours and..

...three-way calling.

I'm just a man.

So what are you saying?

I switched back to AT&T.

Oh, Franklin!

Now, come on down here.

Get out them wicked city clothes.

Wait a minute.

If we get back together

things are gonna have to be different.

Now, I'm not cooking for you every time anymore.

And I'm not doing the laundry.

And every now and then, I get to drive

the tractor to the feed store.

Damn, Sheila. These city ways have changed you.

You damn skippy.

Oh, girl, you gonna be my wife.

I would never do anything to make you unhappy.

I love you.

But if you don't come with me right now

this whole thing is over.

Well, in that case, mister

I only have one thing to say to you.

It's on!

[cheering]

Marlon, man. How did you get Franklin to show up?

Simple, my white brother.

We just used Sheila's 10% discount

and called the brother up.

Homie, homie found out that his ex-fiancee

was shakin' her money-maker all over Manhattan

and he came running.

- Oh, yeah. - He jumped on the first plane?

- Not exactly. - Yo, yo, yo, listen up.

Whoever owns that yellow tractor out front

you are double parked, and you are about to be towed.

That's us, honey. Come on, let's vamoose.

I mean if you're ready to vamoose.

Wait, wait. One second.

Cousins, thank you. You really came through for me.

Hey, well, you're like the big sister we never had.

Bye.

(Sheila) I'll see you at the wedding.

Have a mighty fine time.

Hey, cuz. Hey.

You and chicken George is welcome back at our pad anytime.

Bye.

Enough sentiment. Let's get this party on the road.

Hey, disc jockey!

Hit me! [indistinct] and get me a hoochie!

♪ Bang bang bang do that thang ♪

♪ Bang Bang bang do that thang ♪

♪ Bang Bang bang do that thang ♪

♪ Bang bang bang do that thang ♪

♪ Bang Bang bang do that thang.. ♪

♪ Go pop pop go pop pop ♪

♪ Go pop pop go pop pop ♪

♪ Go pop pop go pop pop.. ♪♪

♪ Come on baby kick them daisies ♪

♪ Look at them girls with the daisy dukes on ♪

♪ I want cha to ♪

♪ Look at them girls with the daisy dukes on ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Look at them girls with the daisy dukes on ♪

♪ I want cha to ♪

♪ Look at them girls with the daisy dukes on ♪

♪ Say look at them girls with the daisy dukes on ♪

♪ Girl you really got it goin' on ♪

♪ Lookin' all nice and sweet so a ten.. ♪♪

[Marlon screaming]

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.