Original subtitles

♪ Ah ah ah ♪♪

No, no, no. Ma, no.

Don't press record yet.

No, first we have to put in the tape.

Listen, old woman, "All My Children" comes on

in five minutes and this is the day

Erica's supposed to come out of her coma.

I will not miss it.

Hey, Dee? Dee?

Did you see my UPS package? Did it come in?

'Cause it's really important.

Your package is important?

Yeah.

Someone very close to me

is coming out of a coma in five minutes.

Let's see, package, coma

coma, package.

You do the math.

So did you see my package?

Okay, ma..

...alright, now is the red light on?

What do you mean, "It's on a rinse cycle?"

Mother, get in the living room now!

This new security guard is a trip.

Yeah, I know. I seen harder workers at the DMV.

Mother, can you hold the line a minute?

Excuse me, sir.

What's in your pocket?

I don't remember you payin' for this.

Or the gum.

GQ?

I don't think so.

Is that beef jerky in your pants..

...or am I too much woman for you?

It's probably beef jerky.

Ugh.

Here, nobody gonna want that now.

Yo, Dee. I like the way you handle your business.

Yeah, girl, you really somethin' else.

Stand back, boys, I'm not finished.

I'm sure I saw him take some Tic Tacs.

[theme song]

♪ We're bothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Gimme a high five ♪♪

(male 1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys, dynamite, that..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something.. ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Damn. I don't believe this.

What up, pop?

Two more of my customers

just walked into that new restaurant

across the street.

You mean Rick's Cajun Kitchen?

Yes. He just put up a new sign

"Quality foods at reasonable prices."

That's a dirty trick.

Yeah, what's next? "Good service?"

Get your filthy feet off my furniture

and go bus those tables.

Excuse me, Mr. Williams?

Call me Pops.

I'm Federal Agent Steckler.

Call me Mr. Williams.

And if you're from the IRS

I filed my extension on my extension

two weeks ago.

At least I meant to.

Mr. Williams, I'm from the Secret Service.

Sir, I have no interest in your tax situation.

Although, I will make a note of it.

President Clinton is planning a visit

to New York day after tomorrow.

And I've come to get a clearance from you.

Hell, I don't own this city.

Tell him to bring his butt home.

We need a clearance to secure your premises

for a presidential visit.

Wait, you mean the President of the United States

he's comin' here?

Here

Shawn, come on, the President's comin'.

Man, he is desperate for votes.

His motorcade will take him down this street

and he may wanna make a stop.

Oh, he must have heard about

my double-decker chili cheese burger.

He'd be coming here to use your restroom.

Brother, if he has the chili cheese burger

trust me, he'll need the restroom.

It's standard procedure to secure rest facilities

along the President's route.

You're men's room is highly desirable.

Oh, thank you kindly.

Security wise.

It has good street access

no backdoors and no large windows.

Oh, yeah. Plus we got that new

black and beautiful bikini calendar.

Oh, man!

The President of United States comin' to pop.

Ooh! I can't wait till Rick's Cajun Kitchen hear about this.

- Oh, jealous.. - Jealousy!

Envy, brother, envy.

I'm sorry, but, no one must know.

- Not even Rick? - No one.

(all) Shh!

(all) Don't tell no-o-body!

- Shh. - Exactly.

Uh, this visit is a matter of national security.

- Say, pretty boy? - Yeah?

You got a bunch of customers lined up.

You gonna take their money

or should I just let em' steal stuff?

Alright, chill out, Sister Souljah. I'm on my way.

Hey, girl.

[laughing]

I've seen more meat on a chicken neck.

[instrumental music]

Building security?

Affirmative.

Secret Service?

Affirmative.

Seems like you have everything under control here, officer.

I've been told I have the tightest lobby in the city.

I'd like to check that out for myself.

Ready for inspection, sir.

Thank you, Mr. Williams.

We'll be in touch.

Why don't you start by examining my fire door?

[music continues]

Hey, pop, if I didn't know any better

I swear those two was talking about sex.

A fire door?

Tight lobby?

[instrumental music]

(Pops) 'You boys are crazy. Ain't nothing wrong'

'with this bathroom.'

Pop, we're talking about

the President of the United States.

He's used to goin' in style, man.

He probably got a whole bathroom staff

handin' him towels and soap.

Probably got somebody to unzip his pants.

Heh. Yeah, I seen that picture in "Playboy" last year.

[laughing]

I can't afford to fix this place up.

Well, Pops, you gotta look at the big picture, man.

Fixin' up this bathroom could be good for business.

I mean, the bathroom at Rick's

he got sparklin' tiles

brand new shiny fixtures.

I mean, he even got two-ply toilet paper.

When did you two go to Rick's?

Oh, I just heard about it.

Yeah, pop, we ain't never had their catfish.

With the seven herbs and spices and the..

...flaky crust.. Mmm.

I can't believe you two stooped that low

to go to Rick's and eat there.

And the catfish was dry.

Pop, man, this is bigger than catfish, man.

The President of the United States

wants to pee in our potty.

Maybe even more. Ah.

You mean he's gonna do in here

what he's been doin' to the country?

Ha, ha, ha. I'm serious, Shawn.

I might get to shake his hand.

- So? - So? So?

This could be my brush with greatness.

No, here's your brush with greatness.

Now, go clean the toilet.

Look, man, President Clinton was just a poor kid

from Arkansas, when he shook JFK's hand.

That one handshake sent that man on the road to the White House.

Just think, pop.

- From JFK to Clinton. - Hey, boy!

To me.

[sighs]

♪ Now na na now.. ♪♪

Marlon in the White House?

I believe that's one of the signs of the apocalypse.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Hoo. We'll see who's laughing

when my face is all over the newspapers.

Marl, forget about the newspapers, okay?

We're not supposed to tell nobody, remember?

We've been sworn to secrecy?

Man.. Hey!

[toilet flushing]

I'm okay.

[instrumental music]

Look, I'm sorry, lady.

You can't have a refund on "Vibe" magazine

just 'cause there ain't no pictures of

Bushwick Bill in there.

Well, I never!

Well, why don't you try "Source" magazine instead?

Nah. They're too hung up on Snoop Dogg.

Peace out.

Shake the spot.

I hear you changed the paper in the bird cage.

What?

The eagle lands tomorrow. 1200 hours.

What?

The President is coming to use the can.

- What? - The toilet.

I know what you're talkin' about.

How'd you find out about the President?

How else? Radio-free Marlon.

No.

I heard him this morning

yellin' it up to the window washer.

Marl!

[speaking in foreign language]

Hey! Psst. Get over here!

[speaking in foreign language]

Does your mouth come with a off switch?

You can't be goin' around blabbin'

your big mouth about the President coming.

No, no, no. He was right to tell me.

Now, the Secret Service is good

but it doesn't hurt to have the woman's touch.

He-hey! Young cats. Oh!

Didn't I see you on "America's Most Wanted?"

Didn't I see you on "American Gladiators?"

Welcome to my Wall of Death.

Dee, Dee, Dee. Dee! It's okay, it's okay.

That's TC. That stands for Tacky but Cool.

Come on, man..

Don't act like you ain't used to the chokehold.

Hey.

[laughing]

What you doin' here, superfly?

Well, what do you mean superfly?

Shouldn't you be in a orange jumpsuit somewhere

pickin' up trash by the turnpike?

Now-now, wh-why you wanna go there, now?

I am here for a legitimate business transaction.

That's right, brother.

See, TC hookin' us up

with those new bathroom fixtures.

- Bathroom fixtures? - Yeah, the President's comin'.

Didn't Marlon tell you?

Uh, Sh-Shawn, he's..

Shawn he's gonna give us a fat deal, man.

His uncle owns this plumbin' warehouse out on Queens.

Yeah, he's the toilet king of flushing!

Yeah!

[laughing]

Ooh.

Look, I'll deliver the goods tomorrow mornin'.

So have the green or no latrine.

Ooh!

I hate to be mean, but you need some Listerine.

Oh, later for you, mopheads.

If anyone calls, I'll be in the alley shootin' craps.

[instrumental music]

Here we are.

The royal throne collection.

[laughs] Limited edition.

Mm. All the fixtures are de-e-luxe.

But feast your eyes on the centerpiece.

[gasps]

'O-o-oh.'

A-a-ah.

- Ah! - Wow, TC!

This is perfect, man.

It's the most beautiful toilet I ever seen.

Oh, the lines

color, the craftsmanship.

President gotta shake my hand after sittin' right here.

Ha!

It is awful pretty

but damn this price tag sure is ugly.

Come on, pop. It's for the President, man.

Then let him pay for it.

My business hasn't been doin' that good lately.

Hey, pop, but this could turn it around.

All you gotta do is put a coin box

on the outside of the bathroom door

and charge admission.

Charging people money for the simple courtesy

of usin' my bathroom?

- Yeah. - I like it.

Where's my checkbook?

Hey, pop, it might be expensive

but, I'm telling you it's worth it.

'Cause your baby boy's about to be

in the history books.

A-a-ah!

Morning, guys.

I'm afraid I have some bad news about the President.

- Bad news? - What about the President?

Oh, my Go-o-od!

O-o-oh, my God!

What? What? What?

This is the same toilet Kim uses

on "The Young and the Restless!"

- Ooh! Get outta here! - Yeah!

- Oh, no, she didn't, girl! - Yes, she got it!

- Oh, no, she didn't! - O-oh!

All the way in here?

'Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!'

Hey! To hell with "The Young and the Restless!"

I wanna know what's goin' on with the damn President.

Excuse me?

I said, could you kindly share

with us the information that you

contain about the President's whereabouts..

...it'd be much obliged.

Agent Steckler just called.

There's some crisis in Washington.

The visit is off.

Oh!

And so am I. All sales are final.

Hey, come here with my money, boy

before I turn you into the Ty-D-Bol man.

Come here..

- You alright, kid? - Yeah, man, say it.

Say what?

Just say you was right all along.

I ain't shakin' hands with the President.

Shaking hands with nobody.

Damn, man, nothin' great ever happens to me.

That boy watches too much "Blossom."

[instrumental music]

No, mother, the President isn't coming after all.

What do you mean, what did I do?

I am not responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Okay, I forgot your medication that one time.

That's what the paramedics are for.

Excuse me, could you give me a hand?

Yeah, why not? It's not like

I'm usin' it to shake anybody else's hand.

Well, I just want to buy this magazine.

What for? You're just gonna be disappointed.

He probably didn't even show up to the interview.

Yeah, he's so busy he can't even use the bathroom.

Oh, really must be an in-depth article.

Oh, get outta here, democrat.

Yo, G. Why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off?

For what? So I could be depressed at home?

No. So you don't scare off anymore of our customers.

- Snap out of it. - Snap out of it?

Shawn, this was my big chance.

I was that close to givin' the President some dap.

Attention, everybody. Attention, everybody.

Come on, can I have your attention please?

Don't be shy. Step right up here.

Come on over here, cupcakes. Come on over here.

Step right up to the greatest sale of the century.

Now, you've seen this beautiful golden commode

on "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."

And you've seen it in Kim's powder room

on "The Young and the Restless."

Who's gonna step forward and start off with the bidding?

How about a, uh, $10,000?

Ten thousand? Do I hear ten thousand? Ten thousand.

Ten thousand, ten thousand, ten thousand.

Ten thousand? Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait!

What about a hundred? $100?

And I'll throw in a chicken sandwich and two nutty doughnuts

from the diner, diner, diner, diner.

Mr. Williams.

Agent Steckler, you've come back!

I had to.

Mr. Williams, I'm afraid you'll have to remove these crates

before the President arrives.

Wait, wait, wait. So you mean the President

is comin' after all?

- Affirmative. - 'Oh-oh!'

Hey, but, what about the crisis in Washington?

It's being handled by the second in command.

Oh, thank God for the vice president, baby.

Vice president? I'm talking about Hillary.

Yes! Yes! He's coming! He's coming!

- I'm so happy! - Yeah, me too!

- You want to knock boots? - Oh.

I said I'm happy, not delirious.

Don't just stand there bucking gums.

We got a toilet to build. Come on, boys.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Now give me a smile, beautiful.

- Oh. - You too, Dee.

Let me see you smile with no teeth.

Oh, this is a nice camera, TC.

Yeah, I can't help but notice

the serial number's scratched off the side.

Yeah, that's odd.

Well, gosh, darn. I wonder if my warranty will still apply.

Tell it to Aunt Bee, Opie.

I don't know why I go through all this trouble.

I'm votin' for Colin Powell anyway.

I can't meet the President dressed like this.

Yeah, well, you should have planned ahead, brother.

Man...you can undress faster

than Madonna at a All-Star Game.

Look what I made for the President.

I call it my Bubble Burger.

Chili and chili cheese

uh, corn fritters, pork rinds

and good old slaw for roughage.

What's for dessert? A triple bypass?

The President has arrived.

- 'He's here! He's here!' - Hold on.

- Wait a minute. - 'He's here.'

Okay, now tell me, how does my hair look?

Synthetic.

Well, kid, you were right all along, man.

Here's my big moment, Shawn.

I finally get to shake hands with the President.

- Good luck, baby boy. - Whoo! I'm so nervous.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

[cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

He must have really had to go.

Aah!

This is a restricted area. Hands up.

- I can't right now. - Well, hurry up.

(President) 'No problem, I'll use the stall, fellas.'

Yes, sir, Mr. President.

Ah-ha.

(President) 'Guys, I think I can handle this alone.'

Finish and get out!

I'm a restaurant employee.

I have to wash my hands before I leave here.

It's the law.

[door closes]

[toilet flushing]

Well, Mr. President..

...how's it going?

I mean, in Washington, not in there.

'I'm doin' okay.'

'In-in both places.'

[laughs]

You know..

...I like the way you handled that Gulf War.

'Well, it was over before I was in office.'

Well, damn, you are good.

'Thanks.'

You know, it was so dope that you shook JFK's hand.

'Yeah, it was dope for me too.'

Bet it really changed your life, huh?

'It certainly did.'

Hey, Mr. President..

...I'd be really honored if you would just, like..

I mean, I'd be so inspired if you would..

I'd be such a proud, uh..

'Would you like to shake my hand, son?'

Yes, sir, Mr. President.

You want to wash that thing first?

[instrumental music]

Yo, kid, that was pretty fat

shaking hands with the President.

Yeah, man, it was pretty cool. I mean, he's chill.

He's just like one of the boys.

I hope you guys like French fries on your pizza.

Hey, man. Wanna watch a little bit of TV, Bill?

- Sure, "Baywatch" is on. - You're kidding.

Uh, Bill, you wanna close that damn door?

Hey, uh, Bill, while you up gimme a glass of water.

(Shawn) Look out, Marlon. Say cheese.