Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Excuse me, but if you get lonely

there's a head of lettuce right below you.

Mm-mm-mm. Finger licking good.

[burps]

Hey, Mr. Halloween.

Hey!

Marlon!

Marlon, it's time for work.

You can't be late.

Marlon!

[growling]

I want my mummy.

Well, you better put that good toilet paper

back on the roll.

...that's for company.

Come on, Shawn. Admit it, man.

I had you a little bit scared.

Hell, no. Halloween is for idiots.

- It's my favorite holiday. - Exactly.

Don't you understand, Marlon?

See, brother, Halloween ain't nothing, but a conspiracy

set up by the man to force us to put on mask

to cover who we are as a people.

Well, look here, Minister Ferra Shawn.

Uh..

...I think you might've watched "Malcom X"

one too many times, my brother.

Come on, kid, it's just a day when I get some free candy.

See, that's all it's about.

Selling candy and costume to people stupid enough

to believe in ghosts.

Oh, come on now, everybody a little bit

afraid of ghosts, Shawn.

Not me.

Come on, now, after all these years

of your stupid pranks.

You know? Ain't nothin' scarin' me.

The spider webs, the floating finger.

[scoffs] The rubber roach in the ice cube.

I ain't put no rubber roach in your ice cubes.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite. That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like I got something.. ♪♪

Reggie, I cannot get over how different you look

without those dreads.

Yes. You're almost cute.

Oh, baby, well, if you're free for dinner

you know, we can, uh..

...have a cup of noodles in my van tonight.

I'd rather eat spam out of a dumpster.

Oh, so what time do you want me to pick you up, Monique?

Hey, come on, Shawn. Hurry up, kid.

We gotta hurry up and get this pumpkin

so we can make us a Jack and Lennon.

Marlon, we ain't buying no damn pumpkin.

Guys, would you come over? This is really weird.

What is your father doing?

[laughing]

Ah, don't worry about him.

He just gettin' ready for Cassandra.

- Who is she? - She's just a ghost.

Oh, I thought it was someone crazy.

[gibberish]

Hey, Pops, is that coffee regular or decapitated?

[laughs]

Hey, hey, hey.

Show some respect.

This here is serious business.

I'm protecting your butt.

Mine too.

Mr. Williams, am I to understand you're attempting to feed

a supernatural being?

Monique, Pop been puttin' out this here

donut and cup of coffee the night before Halloween

since way back in the day.

Sit down. I'll tell you how it all got started.

Oh, this is gonna be a long story.

Hey, Pop, done with your sandwich?

No, and take your hand off that donut.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Now, back when neither of my buildings first opened

they had this fine elevator operator named..

(in unison) Cassandra Malloy.

And every mornin' without fail she would come in to this diner

and have a cup of coffee and a donut.

For the Halloween morning she was late for work.

She didn't stop to get her donut.

Ran straight to the elevator.

When the doors open, she stepped on..

Bang!

Fell to her death.

That's horrible.

And just two seconds later the janitor shows up

with an out of order sign

only to find her lying in a pool of blood.

If only she'd stopped for that coffee and donut

she'd be alive today.

Old and real fat, but alive.

[laughing]

She is alive.

In spirit.

And every Halloween eve, she comes back..

...for that donut and a cup of Joe.

And the story goes that if it isn't here

the building and everyone in it will be cursed.

[Monique gasps]

(both) To-do do-do do-do-do..

Oh, go ahead and make fun

but why is my offering always gone the next day?

A rat with a sweet tooth.

[laughing]

Okay, that's it, everybody out. Out, out, out.

Oh, come on, Pop. You're being foolish, man.

There ain't no such thing as Cassandra.

That's like believing in-in-in the tooth fairy

or the Easter Bunny.

The Easter Bunny?

What you mean the Easter Bunny?

- Be real, Marlon. - I've seen the Easter Bunny.

He was white and he-he wriggled his ears at me

and he had this big fluffy tail

and he left me behind these little pellets of chocolate.

Mmm.

That wasn't chocolate.

Hey, hey.

[instrumental music]

What?

- After you. - After you.

Okay.

Alright, alight, alright.

Coo-coo.

- Shawn. - Shh.

[whispers] I was gonna tell you to watch out for the silverware.

- Shh. - Shh.

[both grunt]

Well, well, well..

...looks like old Cassandra didn't show up

for her midnight snack yet.

Maybe she went to Dunkin' Donuts instead.

[laughing]

Shh.

Hey, Shawn, are you sure this is a good idea?

Of course, Marlon, we gotta show Pop

that there's no such thing as ghost.

Wait a second.

How come you're giving me the cold coffee

and you get that good donut?

Fine. I'll eat the donut and you drink the coffee.

Bet.

Hmm. Pretty good.

'Mmm.'

Why didn't you drink the coffee, man?

- I'm not thirsty. - Look, Marlon, we had a deal.

I'm supposed to eat the donut

and you were supposed to drink the coffee.

Alright. Shut up.

Pass me the sugar.

Nasty coffee.

You want diabetes?

Pass me the spoon.

[slurps]

[slurps]

I hate black coffee.

Then have some cream.

[whispers] Good idea.

Do you have nondairy? I'm lactose intolerant.

Boy, just drink the damn coffee.

Hey, Shawn..

...just to be safe..

...maybe we should leave Cassandra

a little bit of backwash.

How many times do I have to tell you, Marlon?

There is no such thing as Cassandra

and there is no curse.

Look, I ate the donut and nothin' happened to me.

See, I'm fine.

Shawn?

Shawn.

Shawn.

Shawn. No.

Shawn.

Shawn. Shawn.

No. Shawn, I'll save you.

Shawn, Shawn.

Oh, Shawn.

Shawn.

Shawn.

Shawn.

- Let go. Let it go. - Shawn.

- Let it go. - Shawn.

Stop.

- Let go of me. - Shawn, Shawn.

Don't worry, Shawn. Don't..

I'll bring..

I'll cut it out of you.

It's, it's a joke, Marlon. I'm playing.

What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry.

I saw this on the episode of "ER."

Get away from me, man. You're crazy.

What? I was just gonna operate. Come here, come on.

[instrumental music]

So, Pops, did, uh, old Cassandra stop by last night?

Sure did. Ate every crumb, drank every drop.

Looks like we are safe for another year. Thank ya.

Yeah, Pops, you're turning into a real hero.

I'm gonna celebrate by making today's Halloween special.

Chicken fried pumpkin.

Ye te-de!

[laughs]

[laughs] Pops should know better.

A grown man like that believin' in ghosts.

I know. Even if there was a ghost.

- What is she gonna do? - I'm trying to say.

Aunt Cassandra, we're right here, baby.

- What's up? What's up? - Bring it on. What you got?

I'm goin' Redd Foxx on you.

I give you five of these across your lip.

So what do you wanna do, Cassandra? Where you at, baby?

What's that?

See, boy? I told you, we ain't got nothing to worry about.

Mm-hmm.

[crackling]

[screaming]

See, Shawn, you and your big ideas.

Now we got a dead woman after us.

- A dead woman. - Will you calm down, Marlon?

Calm down? Shawn, this is a ghost.

We can't just slap a restraining order on her, alright?

Look, Marlon, okay, there is no such thing as ghosts, alright?

This is an old building, things happen.

The chandelier fallin' was an accident.

Help me, somebody. Help me, please.

Help me, help me, help me.

The damn coffee maker.

Are you okay, Pop? What happened?

The machine just blew up in my face.

It was bumpin' and gyratin' and spinnin'

like it was possessed.

Oh, no. Pops, me and Shawn just--

Uh, real sorry that you got coffee all over you, huh?

Are you okay?

Yeah. Lucky for me, my coffee is always cold.

Oh, my God.

The strangest thing just happened.

You made a sale?

No.

Somehow, all the Halloween cards in the shelves

have been replaced with St. Patrick's Day cards.

That is strange.

Oh, my watch has stopped.

What else is new?

No, wait a minute.

These are genuine..

...imitation Rolexes..

...and they usually last at least

until the tourists leave town.

Look, they've all stopped at the same time. 7:37.

- Oh, no. - What, what?

That's the exact time Cassandra Malloy

plunged to her death.

Malloy? That's Irish.

St. Patrick's Day.

Uh.

Uh-oh, someone's after me, lucky charms.

Whoa!

Oh! Ooh! Oh! Ooh!

Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ow! Ow! Whoa!

Oh, my God, Lou.

Lou.

How do you like that? I chipped a nail.

Jamie, what happened?

I don't know, I was standing at the top of the stairs

and I felt this cold wind and then

I heard a woman's voice say, "Going down," and down I went.

Oh, no. This is all our fault.

Uh, no, it's not. We was all down here when she fell.

No, I'm talkin' about you eatin' that donut

and makin' me drink that cold, nasty coffee.

- No, you shh-- - Look what you two have done.

You've unleashed the force of evil into the lobby.

I could've been killed.

Oh, all of your lives are in danger.

We can't find no ghosts, man. We as good as dead.

What do you two have to say for yourselves?

(both) My bad.

Why so shocked? I always look this good.

[snaps fingers]

[instrumental music]

[thunder rumbling]

[screaming]

Will you cut it out, Marlon? It's only lightning.

Shawn, don't you watch horror movies?

First is lightnin' and then there's thunder..

...and then, gaa, somebody dies.

Yeah, but it's always white kids about to have sex.

We're safe.

I don't know, Shawn, I'm telling you.

Before long, the elevator door's gonna swing open

and Cassandra's gonna come out

and kill both of us until we're dead.

- Marlon. - What?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

We want Cassandra to come out.

That's what an exorcism is for.

First, you and Shawn have to face her and apologize.

Uh, couldn't we just fax her?

Maybe send her a shout-out?

Hey, yo, yo, yo, I wanna say what's up

to my homegirl, Cassandra.

Yo, I'm sorry about the donut, baby. Ha ha.

But, yo, check it. I'll see you later.

Keep it real. Easy.

We're trying to contact the living dead, not living single.

Are you sure you know what you're doing, Monique?

- Of course. - 'Oh, really?'

You've exorcised a demon from an office building before?

Not exactly

but my nanny was a spiritualist from Haiti.

She left me this book on the occult

just before she was taken from us.

- How'd she die? - Oh, she didn't.

- Immigration got her. - Oh, great.

We're putting our lives in the hands of some domestic

without a green card.

You don't have a choice, unless you wanna

go down another flight of stairs.

I'm in.

Alright, everybody, come on, let's raise some dead.

Oh.

Here it goes.

"First of all, the offenders of the roaming spirit

must offer a lock of hair."

- I got a pair of scissors. - Oh, hell, y'all are crazy.

- I ain't givin' up no hair. - You better peace out.

You can give it to her or I'm gonna pluck them out myself.

- The choice is yours. - I do need a trim, you know.

Go on, Shawn, make me fabulous.

Ooh, little miss girl, look at this little split ends

and all these little spikes.

You look like a ghetto porcupine or somethin'.

Here we go.

Okay, it's my turn.

Sit down.

[chuckles]

Yo, yo, yo, Marlon, be careful. I got a date tomorrow night.

And this girl loves to run her fingers through my silky hair.

[chuckles]

Pop, she think I'm Indian.

[chuckles]

Well, now she's gonna think you're Montel Williams.

[laughs]

"Now cast the hair into the flame."

[thunder rumbling]

Damn, Shawn. I told you to cut back on that hair grease.

Alright, we must all join hands now

as the offending parties invoke the spirit.

(Monique) Shawn and Marlon, repeat after me.

Oh, wise and wonderful spirit of the great beyond.

(both) Oh, wise and wonderful spirit of the great beyond.

Say it like you mean it.

(both) Oh, wise and wonderful spirit of the great beyond.

I am unworthy.

(both) I am unworthy.

I am worthless.

(both) I am worthless.

I am lower than dragon dung.

I am lower than dragon dung.

I know you are, but what am I?

- See! - I'm going to get my belt.

(both) Alright, alright, alright.

We're dung, we're dung, we're dung.

Please, oh, great spirit, appear before us

that we may seek your forgiveness.

[thunder rumbling]

This is stupid.

Hey, looks like Cassandra's a no-show.

Who's up for trick-or-treatin', baby?

[both scream]

Oh!

Get off of me.

Get off!

Get, get.. Marlon, get off of me.

Shawn, where is everybody?

They're gone.

Well, come on, let's join 'em.

[both screaming]

Monique!

Oh, no.

Right before I was about to make my move.

Will you come along, man?

You could do that later. Trust me, she'll hang around.

Let's be out.

This way.

[screaming]

Oh, my God, Lou's fallen again.

Yeah, and this time..

...she ain't getting up.

Marlon, Shawn.

- Reggie. - Don't lose your heads.

Boys. Boys.

Thank God, Pop.

- Whoo. - You okay.

W-w-why d-did you have to e-eat the donut?

[screaming]

Pop, we're sorry, Pop.

- We'll never do it again. - Pop, Shawn made me do it.

(Shawn) Marlon, look!

Who ate me donut?

He did. He did.

And who drank me coffee?

- It was him. - Hey.

Juan Valdez over here.

Now, you must pay.

[both screaming]

And that'd be 50 cent for the donut.

And the coffee's a buck. Thank you kindly.

[all laughing]

- We gotcha. - Gotcha.

Whoo!

You should see the look on your faces.

- It was classic. - We got you suckers.

- We knew. - Yeah, yeah.

We was playin' along with y'all.

We fooled y'all. Ha ha!

(Shawn) 'How'd you do it, Pop?'

I was working late in the diner last night

I saw you two eat Cassandra's snack.

I decided then and there to teach you boys a lesson.

And we were only too glad to help.

Well, I gotta admit.

You had us fooled for a second.

Yeah, I mean, y'all went all out.

You got all dressed up, you got a skeleton

fake blood, a phony knife.

Yo, Lou, how did you take that fall?

I'm a paratrooper in the Air National Guard.

Plus I do a lot of jazzercise.

Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.

I wanna know how y'all got that chandelier to fall.

- Yeah. - Chandelier?

- Yeah. - What chandelier?

The one that nearly killed us.

We didn't touch any chandelier.

- Oh, come on.. - Come on, Pop, do we look dumb?

[thunder rumbling]

(Cassandra) 'Ooh, me favorite chocolate.'

[Cassandra laughing]

[laughing continues]

(Cassandra) 'Going down.'

[Cassandra laughing]

[all screaming]

[instrumental music]

Marlon, hey! Hey, Shawn, get me out of here, man.

Hey!

[whistling]

Come on, guys.

Come on, guys, this ain't funny anymore.

Come on.

I see your two..

...and I raise you five more.

- I'm in. - Me too.

- I'm in. - Me too.

Come on, man, this ain't funny now.

Come on! This ain't.. This is not funny.

This is..

Well, at least deal me in.

There you go, brother.

Two, three, four, five.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say cheese.