Original subtitles

Here you go, sir. Pops' blue plate special.

Enjoy yourself.

[whispering] Boy! Psst.

Psst.

- Come here! - Wassup, pop?

What do you think you're doin' bringin' in

food from the competition?

Oh, this is just a gift from Monique.

See?

It's a Napoleon.

I don't care if it's Attila the Hun.

I don't want it invading my diner.

I just wanted to do somethin' special for Monique, pop.

You really got it bad for her, don' you, boy?

Yeah, man. She whooped it on me.

I mean, she's smart, she's fine

she smells good.

They do say opposites attract.

Ha ha ha.

Today's my big day, pop.

I'mma go out there and tell her

how I feel and ask her out.

(Pops) 'Young love.'

I-I remember the first time

I asked your mom out on a date.

We were both on the subway.

- The car was full.. - Mm-hmm.

I was pressed all up against..

[chuckles] I do that, too, pop.

Gotta get your token's worth, brother.

[laughing]

- I winked. - Mm-hmm.

- Gave her that killer smile. - Mm-hmm.

- I say, he he he. - Aah!

"How do you do, good-lookin'?

Watcha got cookin', sugar dumplings?"

- A-and what came next? - Shawn. And then you.

Oh! You..

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite. That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something.. ♪♪

[instrumental music]

- How do you do, gentlemen? - Howdy-doo?

Say, Pops, what's with the clothes rack in the lobby?

Oh, that's my tailor, Sam.

He's responsible for the way I look.

And he's still in business?

You bet he is. I'm makin' the boys buy new suits from him.

Couldn't you just ground them?

[laughs]

Son, I'd say you're a perfect 42.

Wrong.

[laughs] Yeah, well, you know

I never had any complaints.

Except for that one time.

But, hey, I just got out of the pool.

What the hell are you talking about?

You're buying a suit?

- Who died? - Oh.

You think just 'cause a brother's buyin' a suit

he gotta be goin' to a funeral or the court?

Guess the only kind of suit a black man's allowed to have

is a lawsuit.

What you need is a straightjacket.

Doesn't matter what kind of jacket you wear.

The important thing is the fit.

There, that looks good. That's done. Uh, let's take a look.

There's a big mirror in the men's room upstairs.

[groans]

- Can you make it? - 'Son.'

I've got a 24-year-old wife.

I guess I can handle those stairs.

(Marlon) 'Hey, Monique.'

- Hello, Marlon. - Wassup?

- And what's that? - What, this?

You know that bakery around the corner?

- Yes. It's my favorite. - For real?

Well, I go over there and I ask for a brownie

and look what they gave me.

[gasps] A Napoleon!

I love them!

Get outta here. Really?

I hate these things.

I have an idea.

Why don't you take it?

- For real? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, Marlon, that's so sweet.

[telephone ringing]

The phone!

[whispers] The phone.

You owe me big time for this one, sister.

Good morning, Ms. Lattimore's office.

One moment, please. I'll see if she's available.

Tell him I'm in conference.

She's right here.

Thank you, Ursula. Please hold all my calls.

Mr. Hathaway.

How good of you to call and apologize.

All is forgiven.

Now just reissue my credit card

and I won't press charges.

Say what?

Oh, no. Uh-uh. Oh, no.

I know you ain't got no attitude.

Delinquent? Who you callin' delinquent?

I send you at least two dollars every month.

S-stop laughin'!

Sally Struthers could feed ten kids on that.

Hello?

Hello?

[whispers ] Damn!

Shall I cancel your afternoon meetings, Ms. Lattimore?

Oh, shut up.

That was my last credit card.

Would a Napoleon make you feel better?

No, thanks, Marlon. I couldn't eat a bite.

[instrumental music]

- Hi, Marlon. - Hey, Monique.

Hey, Monique, you know, I was wonderin'

maybe you'd be interested in, like, goin' out to a--

[gasps] Oh, good God!

- Is that a yes or a no? - Marlon, quick.

- Help me outta this smock. - I guess that's a yes.

Come on, you freak.

There is a man in this lobby with a killer smile

in the body of a God.

Oh, girl, you ain't gotta flatter me.

I told you, I'mma give you some.

- Come on. - No!

I'm talkin' abouthim.

- Oh.. - Who that?

Shh. It's Otis Campbell.

My old boyfriend from college.

Oh, he was always so competitive.

- He had to be on top. - Not me.

Top, bottom, sideways..

I'm flexible, girl.

(Monique) Oh, he looks good.

- And successful. - Oh, he ain't all that.

And homie went a little crazy with them shoulder pads.

No, they're his. They're real!

Oh, Marlon, I'd just die if he knew I was a salesgirl.

- Please, help me. - Alright, alright, alright.

Excuse me?

Can I get some help here?

Plastic surgeon's office is on the third floor.

Monique?

Monique Lattimore.

I'd recognize those legs anywhere.

Oh! Why, Otis Campbell, as I live and breathe.

What a pleasant surprise.

Uh, Billy Dee, you almost forgot your magazine, man.

Keep your shirt on, kid.

I'm talking to the lady.

[chuckles]

You look fabulous.

You, too.

So what brings you to New York?

And how soon are you leaving?

Actually, I'm in kind of a rush.

I'm dropping off some plans for one of my clients.

I have my own architectural firm in Hartford.

Ahem, I have my own ant farm in Harlem. Ha.

So what are you up to?

Oh..

I don't wanna make you late for your appointment.

Go, go, go. Run, run, run.

Get hit, hit, hit by a car, car, car.

Then we should get together for lunch.

I-I'll be free by 1:00.

That'll be fun, comparing our lives

seeing who's on top.

- Well, uh.. - I won't take no for an answer.

God, I can't wait.

Yo, my man.

Forgot your magazine.

(Otis) 'Ah. Thank you.'

[instrumental music]

I'm surprised we haven't run into each other before.

You're still somewhere in The Hamptons?

- Martha's Vineyard. - Ah! Of course. Ha.

Well, you probably have more time to vacation than I do.

I'm so busy running my firm.

I'm the same.

Work, work, work.

Really? What is it that you do?

I'm a broker.

(Otis) 'Oh, the Wall Street grind.'

I always imagined you on something far more..

...glamorous than that.

[chuckles] Did you think I meant stockbroker?

Oh, heavens, no.

I'm a diamond broker.

And how's that for glamor?

[laughing]

Marlon, you're takin' the finish off of the Formica.

You wanna polish something, go wax my car.

Oh, pops. Shh.

They're talkin'.

Monique, I am so happy for your success.

Oh, yes, I guess that's me.

Your basic super-successful career woman.

[dishes clanking]

Excuse me, what are you doing?

Just earnin' my 15%..

...ma'am.

Of course, my true fulfillment is in my marriage.

But I guess a successful career woman

has to sacrifice something.

I'm married.

Happily...married.

Oh, but I'm so sorry, man.

Here. Lemme..

Hey, brother, you might wanna get that.

Yes. Fabulous career.

Fabulous marriage. I've got it all.

Monique, what you think, girl?

You look sensational..

...sweetheart.

Thanks.

- Honeybunch? - Otis.

I'd like you to meet my husband, Shawn.

[groaning]

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please?

So you're married to Monique?

Yeah, sometimes I can't believe it myself.

- Shawn Williams. - Otis Campbell.

So what do you do?

He's in publishing. He's a publisher.

Oh, I've got to go.

Uh, but I should stay in the city tonight.

We should go to that new restaurant

uh, in the village, The Golden Veil.

Oh, sorry, no can't do.

- My treat. - Your treat?

- We in there. - Ah, perfect.

I'll.. Right on.

I'll meet you at the restaurant, say..

...eightish?

- Okayish. - Ha ha.

- What were you thinking? - What are you thinkin'?

Hey, I'm just tryin' to get a free dinner

at the hottest new restaurant in town.

[sighs]

And unless you want your cover blown

I suggest, you be there, too

dear.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

Shawn...I know I'm a little early, but--

That's okay, I'm starved. Let's get going.

No.

I came early so we could go over a few things.

Like what?

Like how important this night is to me.

Otis never passed up the opportunity

to, to put down or degrade the less fortunate.

It was so much fun.

But now I am the less fortunate. And--

And you're finally gettin' what you deserve.

Yes! And it's not fair.

Alright. just relax, don't worry.

We're gonna pull this one off.

Okay.

Well, first, if you're gonna be believable as my husband

you're gonna have to have the perfect image.

[chuckling] Come on, girl.

It don't get no more perfect than this.

Then I guess this is gonna have to do.

Alright, we need to come up with a good story

about how we met.

Okay, let's keep this simple.

We met in Zimbabwe.

Good. I like that.

I was inspecting diamond mines.

And I was on a safari.

But the safari was really a cover-up

'cause see, I'm really..

...a CIA agent

sent there to investigate the black-market ivory trade.

Okay, I'm a publisher.

Perfect.

Now there's just one big hurdle left to surmount.

Who's gonna spring for the cab?

No. We're gonna have to kiss.

Nah, ain't gonna be none of that.

If we're married, we have to be

totally comfortable around each other.

Now come here.

No.

Please?

Okay, now put your arm around me.

Can't we have one of those empty, loveless marriages?

I don't like this any more than you do.

Just do it.

[sighs]

[laughing]

Shawn..

Okay, okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Get serious.

Think serious.

[laughing]

- Alright, forget it. - No, the face.

No, I meant you had.. Okay. Um.

[inhales]

Okay. I'm ready now.

- All. - Okay!

Hey, Shawn, I was thinkin'..

[gasps]

Hey!

What the hell were y'all doin'?

Hey, this was not what it looked like.

- Were y'all kissing? - Yes.

Well, that's what it looked like.

We were acting, man. There was nothin' to it.

I mean, it's not like my heart was pounding

or my knees went weak.

O-or my nipples got hard

and I needed a cold shower.

Yeah, well, you know what, if nothing else didn't happen

you'd be pregnant right now.

Oh, please, do you think I'd be remotely interested

in a big oaf like Shawn?

Oh, shut up and let's get going

you uptight pain in the butt.

Oh, we sound married.

We're good, girl!

Keep it tight.

Watch them hands.

My bad.

[chuckling]

Shawn and Monique.

What am I buggin' for?

Ain't nothin' goin' on between them.

Shawn's my brother. He'd never do that to me.

(man on TV) 'Next on "The Ricky Lake Show.."'

'Men in fancy suits who steal their brother's girlfriend.'

Shawn!

[instrumental music]

Shawn!

[instrumental music]

- Aha, there you are. - Sorry we're a little late.

Yeah, uh, we were foolin' around

and lost track of time.

You know how freaky this newlywed thing could be.

[laughs]

- Ooh. - Ha!

Francine and I are the same way.

If she'd have been in town, we'd have been even later.

Hours

Yeah, well, it does take some guys

a little longer to get started.

- Our party's ready. - Uh, table for three.

Follow me, please.

[bells jingling]

[instrumental music]

I'm startin' to like this place already.

Call me.

The food is supposed to be fantastic.

We get food, too?

Otis, I had no idea

this was a Moroccan restaurant.

Ooh, what fun.

They have some unusual customs

just do what I do.

- Got you. - Oh, pillows!

How authentic!

[clears throat]

[mumbling]

Hey, I guess he don't know about the customs.

My name is Rasaan.

Welcome to The Golden Veil.

Tonight the chef's special

is the Chicken Casablanca.

I highly recommend it.

Can we start with a order ofnachos?

- No. - You know.

I-I think we'll try the chicken.

- Very good. - Huh.

- 'Ooh.' - So..

How long have you been married?

- A year. - A month.

- A month. - A year.

A year and a month.

Otis, wouldn't you like to know where we met?

Sure, where did you meet?

(both) Zimbabwe.

- Ah! - Ah, ha ha, we got it!

Okay, well, I've spent a little time in Africa myself.

- Really? - 'Yes.'

I speak fluent Swahili.

[speaking in Swahili]

That means, congratulations on your marriage.

- I know. - Yeah, me, too.

So, Otis, do you speak Bantu?

- No. - Huh, I didn't think so.

[gibberish]

Kumbaya,kumbaya.

[gibberish]

W-what does that mean?

[chuckles] Wouldn't you like to know?

[no audio]

Excuse me, sir. You have a telephone call.

A phone call?

Uh, it must be one of my big

publishing deals goin' through.

I'll be right back, my littlebaklava.

- I got you. Come here. - Yo, man, what's your problem?

- I'm here to fight for my girl. - Boy..

Shawn, don't hit me please, don't hit me, don't hit me.

Look, man. I ain't here to fight you.

I just want a little bit ofbaba ganoush.

You keep your hands off herbaba ganoush.

I'm sorry.

- Yo, what's your problem, man? - Shawn.

I'm tryin' to kick it to Monique

and you're in my way.

- You're serious? - Yeah, I'm serious.

Well, what about our plans with Joe College?

Come on, now. She's too good to have to lie to him.

Well, if that's the way you feel, gee.

- I'm out. - On the real?

On the real, of course. You're my brother.

I love you.

Beside, I've been married

to Monique for only an hour

and I'm already thinkin' about committin' adultery.

- Thanks, kid. - Alright, man. Good luck.

- Alright, B. - Alright, babe.

- A little dessert for the road. - Okay.

- Hey, Monique. - Marlon?

What a surprise!

Listen, sweetie, I gotta talk to you.

- And we will. - Hey.

You're the guy from the newsstand.

Nothing get's by you, huh, Colum-Bro?

And you bussed our table at the diner.

Righto again, Sherlock Home Boy.

Monique, what is he talking about?

I'm talkin' about a little somethin'

called the truth, alright?

Listen, Monique.

I gotta tell you somethin'.

I can't hold it another minute.

The men's room is around the corner to the left.

Monique, listen.

I, um..

I think you're a beautiful person.

I don't care what you do or how much money you make

I think you fly just the way you are.

Marlon..

Sweetie, if you can see yourself like I see you

you wouldn't have to pretend in front of Bryant Gumbel

over there.

'Cause you're all that

and afalafel.

Monique, what is he babbling about?

Otis, I haven't been totally honest with you.

I'm not rich.

And I'm not married

and I'm not a diamond broker.

I'm...a brain surgeon.

I will beat you with this chicken.

Oh, alright!

I'm a salesgirl in a card shop.

And Otis Campbell, if that's not good enough for you

you can just get up and walk right out of this restaurant.

Monique.

Thank you for being so honest with me.

And I think you're right.

It's time for me to go.

Wait till the alumni hear about this.

Hey, hey!

Don't forget to tell the alumni

that you're still wearing Arsenio's haircut.

'Yes!'

Yes!

My posse.

[chuckles]

I'm sorry, sweetie, I didn't mean to mess up

your little date.

It's okay.

Those things you said were so sweet.

You're a really good friend, Marlon.

Thank you.

Well, am I a really, really good friend?

Am I a really, really, really good friend?

Marlon.

Okay, okay, alright, alright.

- Whoo! - Hey, girl?

Well, I guess it's just me and you.

Well, look on the bright side.

I was.

The worst is over. What else could possibly go wrong?

- Yeah. I know, right? - Taste this.

That gentleman said that you'd take care of the check.

Oh, no problem.

[both gasp]

Damn! This is rent.

How we gonna pay for that?

[instrumental music]

I don't know about you, but this is the best date

I ever been on.

Hey, hey! Okay, alright.

between you and Monique.

Does the words platonic buddies mean anything?

- Man, like that? - Yeah..

Well, come with me to play some pool.

No, man. I'm chillin', man.

I'm just gonna stay in the house and take it easy.

- You sure? - Yeah, man, I'mma be alright.

- Alright, one love, kid. - Alright, one love.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

Oh, you sure you don't wanna play?

Forget pool.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.