Original subtitles

(Shawn) 'Hey, pop, would you like a refill'

of your Mad Dog Daiquiri?

I got to go home and see your mama.

You better make that a double.

And here, pop, I got your favorite.

Pig's feet in a blanket.

Why, thank you kindly.

Wait, hold on. This one got some sharp toe nails.

Let me file it..

There you go.

It doesn't get any better than this, son.

Hey, it's the least we could do, pop.

And you know why?

(both) Because we love you.

Okay, how much?

Pop, it's the investment of a lifetime.

See, I have the chance to buy the newsstand around the corner.

I'm tellin' you, this could blow up.

It could be the beginnin' of my empire.

Who's gonna run the newsstand?

- Marlon. - Marlon, who?

Me, pop.

Pop, I'm tellin' you, this is the perfect chance

for me to prove myself.

Besides, this thing got a prime location.

Gimme that picture.

Look at that, that's a prime location.

Yeah, I see it right next door

to the Foxy Brown Marleen Agency.

Oh, is that so?

You lookin' at the newsstand, you gonna be lookin'

at all that bubbling brown sugar comin' out of there.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, them big bubble butt girls ain't thinkin'

about Marlon's loose skinny behind.

Yeah, pop, they don't want me.

- Hey.. - So, what's up, pop?

You gonna hook us up with the leud or what?

Let me think about it.

- Want some more? - There you go.

- Fill her up. - Yeah.

Ahh.

No.

Oh, come on, pops.

You know how much I wanna expand?

To buy one newsstand after another.

Until I have a monopoly.

Stomping my competition one by one

until I have a stranglehold on the whole magazine market.

[choking] Uh, Shawn, I can't breathe.

Oh, my bad, I'm sorry.

I just don't have the money.

My anniversary's comin' up

and I'm savin' for a pleasure cruise.

Can I come too, pop?

You weren't listenin', son, I said pleasure cruise.

Alright, pops, well, you said you don't have it.

- I understand. - Yeah, it's cool, pop.

(both) Cheap ass chump.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite. That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something.. ♪♪

Uhh.

Ah! Oh, my back.

Ah.

My legs. I can't feel my legs.

I can't feel my legs.

Oh, call Jacoby and Meyers.

Call Johnnie Cochran.

Call "Matlock."

I'mma sue you.

I'mma sue you for workman's constipation.

Marlon, for the last time, we don't carry workman's comp.

Oh. My bad.

You better pick those papers out of the aisle.

The fire marshal's inspecting today

and everything has to be just perfect.

Uh-huh, seems to me like somebody got

the hots for a fireman.

Oh, please, I simply admire

Captain Mitchell's dedication to duty.

That and the crease in his pants.

It's sharp as a knife blade and goes clear up to his buns.

Excuse me, little Miss Fish, but we are trying

to prevent fires, not get one started, okay?

Hey, what's up, pop?

Takin' Mr. Neidermeyer his breakfast.

Black coffee, oat meal

prunes and a bran muffin.

Now that's what I call a breakfast to go.

You better bring him some toilet paper to go with that.

Hey-hey, lucky people, TC...is in the house.

- What's up, TC? - Alright now.

Hey-hey.

(both) Whoo!

Hey, man, I thought you were still on the inside.

- No, I'm out. - And so is that tacky suit.

[chuckles]

Hey, now, I didn't come here to be insulted.

I came here..

I came here risking great personal sacrifice

to help you, man.

What personal sacrifice?

I'm under house arrest.

I get 20 volts just walkin' outside my door.

Oh, that explains the fried perm.

Uh-uh-uh. Umm-umm.

No, no, nobody talk about my hair, man.

- I don't need any of this. - Hey, TC..

Hey, come on. Hey, be, be, be cool, J.

- Okay. - Be cool, J. I'm tellin'..

Hey, he don't know nothin' about a conk.

- It's a conk, man. - He don't know about a conk.

It's a conk.

Brother, you should be on the cover of "Esquire."

- Damn, man. - You know what I'm sayin'?

- Al Sharpton envies you. - Oh, yeah.

- Alright? - Alright, now.

Shawn, you can't do that, alright?

We're trying to get this money for the newsstand.

You can't just insult him like that.

Now, if you need money, I'm your man.

You step out to TC's Easy Payment Plan.

If you don't pay, I kill you.

Uh, TC, that, that don't rhyme, bro.

And it don't have to.

We're talkin' about my bread now.

This is business, baby. Business, business, business.

Business.

Ha ha ha. Forget it, Huggy Bear.

[indistinct mumbling]

I'm not gonna do anybusiness

Hey, hey, chill, chill.

Hey, chill, hey, hey, come on, come on, you're clashing..

Come on, stop. Chill.

Don't worry, Jack, we're gonna get back to you.

- Slide me some skin, bro. - I'll slide you some skin.

But don't take too long 'cause I'm movin'

I'm movin', I'm movin'. You want the backside.

- Backside. - Alright, baby.

Hey, I would love to stay and chat with you all

but I got things to do.. And there goes my bus.

Marlon, what you do that for? We don't need him.

TC is cool.

Brother is a little outdated, but he's cool.

Cool? The brother's under house arrest.

In his mama's house.

Shawn, check it out.

Hey, Monique, what you got there, little girl?

- Let me give you a hand. - Oops.

Maybe a arm, couple of lips.

What I could use, is some help.

I have to get this stuff outta the cart shop

before the fire marshal gets here.

You can keep that in my storage room next to the furnace

between the oily rags and the open paint cans.

Pops, that's terrible.

Why do you think the fire marshal's coming, anyway?

So he can collect his bribe.

- Bring that box on back here. - Thanks, Pops.

Alright.

- Come on, Shawn. - Coming.

[grunts]

Yeah, Shawn, watch it.

Me? You're the one that knocked it over.

Ew, what's that stuff in there?

Oh, no, take that out to the dumpster, Marlon.

Why me?

'Cause you're the only one fast enough

to outrun the crackheads.

Hold it. Maybe it's not trash.

Maybe somebody's tryin' to hide somethin'.

Maybe, it's body parts.

Ew, Geoffrey dumped his lunch bag. Here.

I don't want that.

Hey, don't fly the organs on my floor.

Think fast, Monique.

[screaming]

[laughing]

Hold it up, pop. Mike Tyson.

He thought it would be kind of me.

Which way did he go, which way did he go?

Holy Shawn.

Okay, I'm gonna take it out to the dumpster.

[clamoring]

Get off me! Get off me! Get off! That money..

[blows whistle]

Hold it, hold it!

Who says money don't bring happiness?

Let's think about this.

Are we gonna let a bag of money turn us

into a pack of wild animals?

[yelling]

[blows whistle] Okay, freeze, I got a gun.

I'm the oldest here, and y'all listen to me.

On the count of three, I want everyone

to take your hand off this money.

And Marlon, you take your hand off this woman.

Now, one, two, three.

(Shawn) Four.

[clamoring]

(Monique) 'Ninety-nine thousand seven hundred.'

'Ninety-nine thousand eight hundred.'

'Ninety-nine thousand nine hundred.'

Hey, that's an odd figure.

Hand it over, fort knockers.

What?

- Money's just drawn to me. - Yeah, like flies.

Okay, this is it.

One hundred thousand smackaroos.

One hundred thousand dollars?

- God is good. - Oh, yes, he is.

We are rich, we are rich.

What's up, young cat?

Any of y'all find a bus transfer up in here?

What, do we look like the kind of people

that go around finding things?

Damn. Now I gotta stiff some poor cabbie.

[sniffing]

Has somebody been countin' money around here?

- Unh-Unh. - Nobody, man.

I can tell that there's money in the vicintity..

...'cause my gold tooth is tinglin'.

It's called gingivitis, brother.

It's...not money that you smell, TC.

- It's my perfume. - Hm-mm.

- Smell. - Alright.

It's called Ten Grand.

[sniffing]

Oh, yeah? Smells more like a $100 bill.

[chuckles]

Call me.

Alright.

Hey, Monique, can I smell too?

- You smell already. - Oh.

Now we just gotta figure out

what we're gonna do with all this money.

I figure we gonna spend it.

Oh, no, you're not spending my money.

I'm the one who found it.

You ain't find jack

if I didn't knock over that can, alright?

Hey, I'm the one who punched the bag open.

Oh, I was the one who had sex with your mama.

- What? - What?

If it wasn't for that, you two wouldn't be here

and none of this would've happened.

[clamoring]

[blows whistle]

Pipe down, I got the gun, I'm callin' the shots.

We're doin' this one by the book.

According to the Neidermeyer code of lost parcels

and I quote..

"Any missing article will be held

in the Lost and Found of the security office."

"Or at the home of Shawn and Marlon Williams."

"A classified ad must be placed in a newspaper

so that the owner may identify and claim it."

Gimme that.

"If item is not claimed within five workin' days

it goes back to the person who found it."

Ah! Which is me! I found it.

We all found it. I say we split the money

five equal ways.

- That sounds fair, yeah. - Yeah.

Twenty thousand each, that's a nice chunk of change.

Yeah, and I get your mama her own ticket

on the pleasure cruise.

Don't have to sneak her on, like I usually do.

That's 80,000 25 cent Peep Show movies.

Woohoo, it's gonna be on.

That's a down payment on the house

and a Pit Bull to keep Marlon away.

Wait a minute, as security officer

you should disqualify yourself, Lou.

And since the three of you are all in the same family

you should get one share.

That's one, two shares. That's fair.

I could be happy with $50,000.

Ah, you're broken ass could be happy

with a chicken McNugget and a weave that doesn't itch.

- What? - We're splittin' it five ways.

If

Just think, you guys.

In five days, we're gonna be thousandaires.

[indistinct] Brother, count that money.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[music on speakers]

Oh, yeah. Hey, girl.

You wanna dance? Come here.

Oh, you like this? What do you mean I look good?

You like this thing? This old thing?

It's somethin' I just threw on.

But you know what..

...I could throw it off. Come here, you. Get over here.

Yeah, what you want, girl!

Marlon.

What are you doin'? What-what's all this stuff doin' here?

I was just tryin' some clothes on.

Um.. Oh, I just came from Barney's, man.

They treat you so nice there.

You bought all this stuff? Are you crazy?

Look, Shawn, I know clothes don't make the man, alright?

But it might help the man make the woman.

You shouldn't be spendin' money that's not in your pocket.

Come on, man, nobody gonna claim that money. I keep tellin' you.

So, what good is it gonna do if you already spend all the money?

I've to keep tellin' you, stop worryin' about that money.

Alright? Ain't nobody gonna claim it. See?

First, they gotta find this little ad.

Look how teeny that is.

- Where is it? - Under my thumb.

- Look at that thing. - Oh.

"If you've lost an item

"in the lobby of the Neidermeyer Building

"please identify and claim it

"at the security desk before the 18th.

But, if I were you, I wouldn't bother."

I added that myself.

- Very good, very good. - Thank you, partner.

You're right, man, that money is ours.

Ain't nobody gonna show up.

(both) Shhh!

(both) Don't tell no-o-body.

(Lou) Next.

Okay, identify the item.

Uh, is it bigger than a lunch box?

No hints, speed it.

Next.

Coffee. Donuts.

You're gonna be here a long time.

Better chow down.

Take your candy.

Pops.

We gotta a find a way to get rid of all these people.

Well, I'm doin' my best.

I'm selling day-old coffee and stale donuts.

How is that any different from any other day?

Pop, have you seen Marlon?

He's supposed to return his stuff back to Barney's.

- No, I haven't. - Identify the object.

Uh-uh-uh a boom box with a CD player.

Next.

Hello, my friend.

I am Ismail..

...Akhmal Muhammad..

[spits]

Oh, excuse me.

I come from very, very far away land

by way of camel

to collect big bag of moneys.

Maybe, you could ask your genie for a magic carpet?

And fly the hell outta here!

Magic carpet?

Oh, your stereotype offend my people.

I will, I will have Haji come out this lamp

and he will put ancient curse on you.

[singing gibberish]

Next.

Hey, mama, how you doin'?

Uh, I came here to pick up the cash.

You know, thedinero. My hundred grand.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Just where'd you get that kind of money?

Girl..

I'm Rufus.

You better act like you know.

See, I'm a famous model.

Slash actor, you know.

- Marlon? - Huh, baby?

Uh, excu-excuse me.

Uh, where can I find the water fountain?

I'm a little parched, baby.

Marlon.

How could you?

Get your fresh hands off of me.

Yeah, Marlon, I think you've gone a little too far this time.

Baby, all mama wants is some water, that's all.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

I got your water for you, granny.

Uh-h.

You can't handle me like that..

(Pops) 'Yeah, yeah.'

That boy is crazy, pop.

Hey, guys.

This is the last one and then we're rich, baby, we're rich.

A set of Whitewall tires.

(in unison) Yes!

You mean you found 'em?

No. Who would leave Whitewalls in a lobby?

Get outta here.

[cheering] Yes! We're rich, we're rich.

♪ There's some money bein' made around here ♪

♪ Money bein' made around here ♪

♪ Range Rovers ♪ ♪ Big old house ♪

♪ Diamond rings ♪ ♪ If you like that kinda thing ♪

♪ Yeah money bein' made around here ♪♪

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Okay, Lou..

...bring out the loots.

Shawn, quick, go close that door before anybody else comes in.

Damn.

Excuse me, good people.

I'm sorry, sir, you must be lost.

The Geritol Convention is down the street.

You're very kind.

I think you may have our parcel.

Okay, identify the item.

Yeah, well, it's a green, um

15 gallon, heavy duty trash bag

with a yellow, slightly fraid twisty.

Oh, that's a lucky guess.

What exactly is inside this alleged bag?

A collection for our mission in New Guinea.

A $100,000.

Well, why would anybody go and leave

that kind of money in a lobby?

Haven't you heard of a mattress?

Letitia's become a little addle lately.

Apparently, last week she left it

in a, an ash can in this lobby.

Uh, she thought it was a night depository.

I couldn't have.

Last week, I was swimming the English Channel.

- Does this look familiar? - Oh, praise God, you found it.

Hey, hold on, before you start speakin' in tongues

and laying your hands on the money..

...let's get some proof.

Yeah, just a little quick quiz.

Somethin' simple, like, uh..

...what is the serial numbers?

Good one, baby, good one.

Mainly the J145 series

minted in Denver in 1986.

Who the hell is she, "Rain Man?"

Go on, give them their money, boys.

- Oh, pop, man. - Oh, come on, pop.

- Give 'em the money. - Come on, pop.

Pop, we can fix your feet, man.

Shawn! Marlon!

Oh, God bless you all.

Even you two. I can't thank you enough.

Well, Letitia, we must get going.

Yeah..

Hey, hey, Marlon, where are you goin'?

I'm gonna go see if Miss Daisy drops it in another trash can.

Marlon. Come back here.

That's the stupidest thing in the world, man.

Don't do that.

Stupid.

Let's hurry, girls.

You know what, maybe it was for the best

that we didn't get that money.

Yeah, Pops, tell it to my collection agency.

Why we need all that money, when we have each other?

- Yeah, you're right. - 'You're right, pop.'

Money is just evil, you know?

Friends and family, that's what's important.

- Yeah. - That's right.

Anybody wanna go in on lottery ticket biddin'?

(all) Hell, yeah!

[indistinct chattering]

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say "Cheese."