Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[grunting]

[chuckling]

[Shawn screaming]

(Shawn) 'Yo, Marlon. Turn the cold water off, man.'

'I'm in the shower! What are you tryin' to do, kill me?'

'Tryin' to burn me to death?'

Uh, that wasn't me!

It was the old dude upstairs with the, with the weak bladder.

[Shawn screaming]

(Shawn) 'Marlon, I'm gonna kill you!'

[Shawn screaming in breaks]

(Shawn) 'Marlon, you're a dead man.'

I love making orange juice.

[knocking on door]

Now, who's knocking on my door this early in the morning?

Yo, Marlon, who's at the door?

I don't know. Somebody just left us a baby.

[baby crying]

- A baby? - A baby?

[both screaming]

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singing and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.'

'Dynamite. That is..'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something.. ♪♪

Let's see, we got a bottle.

We've got...wipes.

- Got pampers. - Rubber ducky.

- We got lotion. - Rubber ducky.

- We got the baby oil. - You aredespicable.

- Sucky-ducky. Quack! Quack! - Formula.

- Sucky-ducky. Sucky-ducky. - Clothes.

Ducky-ducky-ducky--

Will you give me that?

You make more noise than the baby.

Hey, look, Shawn. There's a note.

"Kenny is your child too.

And it's about time you took some responsibility for him."

Okay.

"I'mthrough of him by myself.

Mm-hmm.

"Love, T.

PS, drop dead, you no good dog."

Marlon, why didn't you tell me you got some girl pregnant?

Me? I never dated no girl named T.

Well, what happened to that girl you used to go out

with last year namedTyesha?

Yeah, so?

So didn't you say that she was like the Energizer bunny?

Oh, yeah. She kept goin' and goin' and goin'..

Okay, now she'sgone and had your baby.

See what happens when you don't cover your copper top.

Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

Let's kill all that noise, alright?

I always use protection.

I know you ain't talkin' about that thing

you had in your wallet since seventh grade.

Looked like a old chewed up piece of gum.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second.

Don't try and put this on me, alright?

Remember when I was dating Tyesha

you was datingTamika.

[chuckling] So?

So, two was getting busy

up in that bedroom.

How do you know?

'Cause I was in the closet listening.

Come on, man, there was more moanin' and groanin'

coming out that room than in a Barry White concert.

Oh, yeah, baby, let this sexy walrus do what he gotta do.

Come on, baby, let-let's do this walrus style.

That doesn't prove anything. What does that prove?

It proves this is your baby.

Now take him.

Yo, I ain't takin' nothin', okay?

Matter of fact, we both better take our behind to work.

- 'Cause we gotta-- - Oh, yeah.

I can't believe that somebody would just leave a baby

all alone in a hallway like that.

I know. Oh, uh, uh

I mean how can you just abandon a baby, that so cold-blooded

justditching

[Kenny crying]

- I thought you had him. - That's not my kid.

That's your child, you take him.

- That ain't my kid. - Yes, it is your kid.

Look, he got your bullet head and your wide nose.

"Wide nose?" That definitely ain't me.

That must be Dionne Warwick's child.

[instrumental music]

Sorry for the wait, sir. Thank you very much.

- Come again. - Thanks.

Oh, huh, cute kid.

- It's his! - It's his!

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, such a healthy looking fellow.

'How old is he?'

Guess?

I'd say four and a half months.

Mm-hmm. Sounds about right.

How much you think he weighs?

- Oh, about 15 pounds. - Mm-hmm.

(Shawn) How tall you think he is?

Twenty two inches.

Alright, lady, is this your baby?

Where were you at six o'clock this morning?

Huh? Get back here, you little freak.

[Kenny crying]

Marlon, look after your baby.

He's not my baby.

Come on, kid. Shh. Quiet up, man.

Come on, time out! Time out! Time..

Come on, quiet, man!

[speaking gibberish]

Come on, man. How do you cut this thing off?

Out of me way, stupido.

[crying]

You have to talk to him in a way that he understands.

Okay.

Hey, little man. Yo!

If you chill out, I'll give you a Almond Joy.

[Kenny crying]

Okay, how 'bout some Junior Mints?

[Kenny crying]

Alright. I got it. I got it.

If you'll be quiet for me

I promise I'll take you to see Barney.

[crying]

Back away from the baby now!

You guys are truly pathetic.

Okay, sweetheart, up we go up.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Hey, he likes you.

All babies like me.

Well, that's 'cause y'all the same height.

[laughing]

I happen to be the eldest of seven children.

I've been holding babies since I was a baby.

Give me a smile, big guy.

How can you hold him?

He's so little and slimy.

Uh, it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.

You should try it.

A lot of women are attracted

to a man with a baby.

It shows their tender, nurturing side.

Give me, give me.

- 'Morning, all. - Hey, Monique.

Look what I've got? I'm holdin' a baby.

- See, I'm nuturing. - Nurturing.

- Nurturing. - Yeah.

Oh, nurture away from me, Marlon. I'm wearing silk.

Can you say "Gucci?"

[Kenny crying]

Oh, damn. Here.

This thing is worse than a car alarm. Shh.

Every.. Oh, every cry means something different.

Whether he's hungry...or hurt

or it just wants attention.

- So what does he want now? - He wants to be changed.

(both) Oh, man!

Get back here! You're not leaving me holdin' the bag.

Oh, come on, Lou. You're the expert.

You change him first, and then we'll watch.

And we'll learn real, real slow.

He's your baby. You bond with him.

Oh, okay.

Alright, I'll do the first one, Marlon.

- You do the next one. - Alright.

Put somethin' out for me. I need your help.

Alright.

He's not a parakeet.

- Something soft. - Oh.

- Try a blanket. - Alright.

[whispering] You and me.. Yeah.

- Yeah. - Blanket.

- Yeah. - There you go.

Wait, hold on. I gotta get this right.

Okay, wait-wait a sec.. Wait a sec.

[humming] Okay.

- Alright-- - Marlon, stop it! Come on.

Yeah. Okay.

Somebody cover me. I'm goin' in.

Here we go..

- Whoa-a-a! - Whoa-a-a!

Man, little man, what did you eat?

- A gyro. - Whoo!

Okay. Steady. Steady.

- So what do I do with this? - You frame it.

What do you think, go put it in the dumpster.

Alright, well, if I ain't back in two minutes

somebody call the paramedics.

Hey, come on, man.

Okay, Marlon, you're up. You're diapering.

Oh, come on, Lou. I'm not gonna diaper no baby.

It's very simple, you just peel the tabs back

and fold them over.

That's all? Just peel the tabs and fold them over?

- Yeah. - Oh, that's easy.

Any jackass can do that.

Alright, one more. Come on.

I-I think I got this time.

Flap the damn things back.

Lift baby's legs.

Cheeks in the air.

And the knees.

Hey, I did it!

Look at..

Hey, clamp. Clamp!

(Marlon) 'Come on, pop, just look at him.'

I ain't got no time for no babies.

Come on, pop. Look at.. Look at that little face.

How can youresist,

Ohh!

He is cute.

Uh, see?

(Pops) What a strong little man?

Goochy-goo.

Goobly, goobly, goobly, goobly-goo.

- So will you watch him for us? - For how long?

I don't know. Just till he's in college.

If he's your son, that might take 40 years.

- Forget it. - What about ma?

Your mama went to visit her sister in Detroit, son.

And I don't wanna call her back early.

Oh, two whole weeks of drinkin' and smokin'

and, and strip clubs.

Your mamasure how to have a good time.

Great. Now, what we're supposed to do?

Well, you can always call social services.

They'll keep the baby till they can place him in a foster home.

Hell, no! My nephew ain't gonna be in no foster home.

And neither is my nephew.

Guys, a simple blood test will tell you

who's the father, and who's the uncle.

Look, if this is my grandson, he's a Williams

and ain't no Williams gonna go stay in somehome.

Well, except Grandma Williams.

Soon as we find that will.

So what are we suppose to do now?

Besides keeping your pants zipped?

You should be out looking for the mother.

That was the first thing I tried, pop.

I called Tamika's house and her phone is disconnected.

Yeah, Tyesha, she's so broke, she ain't never had a phone.

Your bone's gonna be broke in a minute

if you don't get down here and man this new stand.

[grunting]

(Marlon) Hey, Shawn, hold up.

Pops, do you think those boys

can raise a kid by themselves?

Are you kiddin'?

That poor little kid be better off

being raised by wolves.

[instrumental music]

Hell, this baby is whacked.

All it does is eat, sleep and poop.

Like father like son.

I'm serious, man. This thing got me worn out.

Me too, that's why it's gonna feel good to get out

shoot some pool and relax.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, have fun babysitting Kenny, alright?

Wait a minute. You ain't going nowhere.

I ain't babysittin' nothin'.

Well, I can't babysit. I got plans.

- What plans? - I plan not to babysit.

Look, Marlon, I've done my time, okay?

I fed him. I burped him. I changed him.

- He wet my shirt. - He wet my pants!

That wasn't him. Look, I'm out of here.

Hey, you ain't going nowhere. Forget that.

Marlon, look. That's your kid, you're staying.

He's not my kid, we ain't gonna know who's kid he is

until we get the blood test results back, alright?

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm about to take my own samples.

So what you wanna do? Come on, man. It's on, daddy.

- Come on, what you wanna do? - What's up? What's up?

[muttering]

Come on. Come on. Come..

[Kenny babbling]

Did you hear that? He said my name.

- He said "Dada." - No, you mean he said my name.

- No, he said my name. - Daddy's coming, Kenny.

- Daddy is here. - Daddy is here.

- Daddy is-- - Daddy is here.

Daddy is here. Yeah.

- Yeah. - Daddy is right here, Kenny.

[instrumental music]

Look at them, when they left last night

they wouldn't even look at the baby.

Now, they'reall the baby like

Oprah used to be on a piece of fried chicken.

Look at that little smile.

(Marlon) 'Look, that's my smile.'

All you need is some teeth and a moustache

and you'd look just like me.

What moustache? I thought you had a cold.

Besides, I know for a fact that Kenny takes after me.

Last night when I was giving him a bath

I discovered he has my manhood.

Oh!

That explains why you have his.

[chuckling] You two are so fatherly.

If you were putting pop in a sweater

and you got a couple of Cosby's.

[imitating Bill Cosby] I would like to talk to you-u-u

about a couple of things that you now deserve to know.

[Kenny laughing]

Oh, man, who knew fatherhood will be like this?

[Kenny crying]

Who knew fatherhood would be like this?

Come on, Kenny, please, it's two o'clock in the morning, man.

You gotta go to sleep.

Shh! Come on, Kenny.

Marlon, you gotta do something.

We gotta get him back to sleep.

Well, let me, let me sing to him.

[Kenny crying]

♪ Rock-a-bye baby ♪

♪ In the treetops ♪

♪ When the wind blows ♪

♪ The cradle will rock ♪

♪ And ho ho ho ♪

♪ When the bough breaks ♪

[laughing]

♪ That cradle will ♪

♪ Fall ah ha ha ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ Down will come ♪

♪ I said down ♪

♪ I said down ♪

♪ I said do-o-own ♪

♪ Here come baby ♪

♪ Cradle and.. ♪

[no audio]

♪ A-a-a-ll ♪♪

Thank you.

[Kenny crying]

(Shawn) Wocky-wocky says it's time for all 'the little boys

and girls to go to sleep.

Ain't that right, girl?

Right on, bruh.

Boo, boo, youstink!

'Boo, boo.'

[grunting]

[Kenny crying]

[birds chirping]

[alarm buzzing]

[Kenny crying]

[both crying]

(Marlon) 'Now, I know this kid is mine.'

'Because he likes to stay up all night and sleep all day.'

I wonder what he's dreamin' about.

Probably a tiny little Halle Berry.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

He's dreaming about that big NBA contract

he's gonna get, huh?

Yeah, you're gonna make millions and support us

for the rest our life.

Yes, he is. Yes, he is.

No, he's not! No, he's not.

Kenny's gonna get a scholarship to Harvard University.

That boy has a brain, and I want him to use it.

Who needs brains when you got a product endorsement?

Damn! Check her out.

- Look like she about to pop. - Shh.

Don't talk like that, Marlon.

She's at the peak of her womanhood.

Hey, madam. Are you okay?

Would you like a glass of water or chair or something?

[chuckling] N-no thanks.

You're gonna love being a mother.

I mean it's a lot of work..

...but it's all worth it.

Do you know you-you're having a boy or a girl?

Or maybe twins?

I'm not pregnant!

And you never will be with that attitude!

[instrumental music]

(in unison) Surprise!

- Ha ha. - You guys.

We got something for kiddie!

♪ Tada-a-a ♪♪

Hey, look a little crib with kente cloth.

Y'all shouldn't have.

We all chipped in.

Well, most of us.

Come on, let's get this party started.

Come on. Open the gifts.

- Mine, first! - Let me see.

- What did Lou get us? - What did little Lou get us?

Freeze!

Oh-h-h! A little cop uniform!

- Look here. - Ah-h-h!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, what is it, Lou?

One of your hand-me-downs?

[laughing]

I also have a gift for young Kenny.

Really?

- Ain't that somethin'? - Uh-uh-huh.

Whoo! These are cool!

What a cute little booty.

Oh, thank you.

I owe it all to StairMaster.

Hey, y'all, really, this-this party

is really phat. Appreciate it.

On behalf of me and my little man, Kenny

we wanna say thank you.

Say thank you. Say thank.. Say thank you.

Thank you, Uncle Marlon.

And Kenny's dad would like to thank you guys also.

Come on, man, Shawn, let's be real.

It doesn't matter what them blood test say

when it come back.

We're gonna love this little baby forever.

- Ain't that right? - Yeah, you're right about that.

- Ain't that right? - Yeah, man.

Hey, what's goin' on here?

What the hell are you doing with my baby?

Who are you, girl?

I'm Tracy Mathews. I'm Kenny's mother.

I don't think so. I ain't never gone out with you.

- Marlon, you? - I don't think so.

- Take off your clothes. - What are you talking about?

Where's Michael?

What are you people doing here?

- We live here, girl. - And who is Michael?

My ex-husband, he stopped paying child support

so I left him the baby to teach him a lesson.

You left him in the hallway.

This is the address he gave me.

And I saw Michael pick him up.

That was me!

Oh, my God! Oh, what have I done?

You're lucky you left him with these guys.

Somebody else would've called social services

and you'd never see this baby again.

Look...I'm sorry I caused so much trouble.

I made a mistake!

A bad one, but...Kenny is my son

and I love him.

And no one's gonna take him away from me.

Okay, okay. Calm down.

Ain't nobody taking your son from you.

I guess you could have the rest of these gifts.

I mean we ain't gonna have no use for 'em.

Except for rubber ducky. Sucky-ducky.

Thank you.

And thanks for taking such good care of Kenny.

No problem. Take care of yourself.

Can we say goodbye to him?

Of course.

- Come here, little man. - Hey, man.

- Come here, little man. - Hey, man.

Yeah!

Yeah. Hey, remember.

Always say your prayers and brush your teeth.

At least when you get some.

[Kenny babbling]

- Bye-bye. - Okay.

Well, you take good care of yourself, okay?

Yeah, good luck.

- Hey, little Kenny.. - Hey, man..

Uh, could I have my baby?

- Oh! Our bad. - Our bad.

- There you go. - Bye, man.

Shh. I know you don't wanna go.

We'll help you carry this stuff down.

- Monique? - Oh!

Okay, fine.

[sighing]

Let's go.

Remember, he likes strained peaches, not carrot.

I know.

Hey, uh, you mind if I come visit sometime?

Oh, you can come and visit him whenever

Not him. You.

[chuckling]

Goodbye.

[sighing]

I'm-I'm sorry, boys.

I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry.

[door closing]

Sorry for what?

- I mean we are free men now. - Mm-hmm.

No more wakin' up in the middle of the night.

No moredrool!

And no, no more cleaning up the most stinkin'

sour milk bottles or picking up that little nasty

saliva filledpacifier.

- Or changing diapers! - Changing diapers!

- Whoo! - Whoo!

- Great, man. - Whoo!

Yeah, okay. Face it.

We're better off this way.

- Yeah, true that. - True that. True that.

- You know what I'm saying? - Yeah.

[both chuckling]

Shawn.

What?

[sniffling]

[sobbing] Can we get a puppy?

We just want you guys to know that no babies were mishandled

or injured during the tapin' of this program.

And every precautions was taken to ensure the safety

of the little ones.

That's right because..

Oops!

- Ha-a-a! - Ha ha.

- It's a doll! See. - It's a dummy.

Can we ever do this to a real baby, huh?

- Hey, Shawn, go long. - I'm goin' for the bar.

- Oh. - Oh! Sorry.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese.