Original subtitles

One, two, three!

Okay, you got that one.

Let's try it now, baby. Come on, man.

One, two, three!

Okay.

Let's go now, baby. Come on. Come on.

- Come on. - Ready, Marlon?

One, two..

Give me a head start. Give me a head start.

One, two, three!

Yeah, you're cheatin' or somethin'.

I got you now. I got you now, baby.

One, two, uh.

[Marlon grunting]

Wassup..

♪ Mm I'm gonna get you ♪♪

Alright. Let's go, baby. Me and you.

Have you finished, Little Buddha?

Me and you. Come on.

Show me what you've got.

Bring it on...punk.

One, two, three!

'You scared? You scared?'

Come on. Bring it on, baby.

- Come on. - You want some more?

Old stumpy gonna show you who's strong.

- Come on. Ready? - You ready?

If I lose this hand, I always got my feet.

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' ♪

♪ And we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high-five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright. Cut and print. Beautiful, guys!'

'Dynamite. That is--'

♪ Girl what you got goin' on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Girl what you got going on tonight? ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ Won't you just chill with me tonight ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪

♪ I got something that you gonna like ♪♪

[Pops humming]

Pops, you are too funny, man!

How can you call that a special

when I could get grilled cheese

and fries separately

and only pay $2.99?

That's what's special about it.

[laughing]

Shawn, guess what.

Daddy got four tickets

for the Met next week.

Oh, guess what, daddy got ripped off

'cause they're on strike.

No, not the Mets.

The Met. The opera house.

Oh!

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, baby

I-I ain't gonna be able to make it that night.

Shawn, I haven't even told you what night it is.

- Oh. Well, what night is it? - It's Friday.

Yeah, Friday-Friday I'm gonna be real busy.

You just don't wanna meet my father, do you?

Well, come on, baby, I mean

your father's a doctor and I drive a truck.

Lisa, let me explain somethin'

about the fragile male ego.

See, Shawn is not as successful

as Dr. Saunders and myself.

He's a little man, in a little doo-doo brown suit

drivin' around New York in a little truck

like a rat in a maze.

But I think he's so cute in his little doo-doo brown suit.

I think you're being ridiculous.

That's how I feel.

Alright, well, then I'll tell my father

you're workin' late, again.

Thank you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hey, Pops, quit puttin' me down in front of Lisa, man.

I got my pride, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why you come here to get your free breakfast, Mr. Pride.

I said I had my pride, I didn't say I was stupid.

Benny, give him a four-egg cheese omelet

home fries, jelly doughnut and a root beer.

[speaking in Chinese]

Just because your daddy ate fish heads all his life

don't make you Jenny Craig!

Marlon! Get out here!

I'm not payin' you all that money to sit

in the back alone, starin' at the walls!

Hey, pop, I wasn't alone

and, I, I wasn't starin' at the wall either.

- I'll call you later, okay? - Oh.

- Bye. - Give me a shake there.

Ha-ba, ha! Work it, girl.

Well, now that your hands are free

take those fries to that customer over there

and put the rest of these signs up..

...before I take you in the back

and I won't be kissing you.

You.

Alright.

- Hey, what are you doin'? - Quality control, brother.

Quality control.

Hey, wait, Marl. Wait, hold up.

Don't sit there. Don't sit there, there's..

[popping]

[screaming]

What the hell are you howlin' at, man?

I sat on your staple gun.

Oh, God!

Oh, my, God!

Why don't y'all help me? Oh, shit!

Are you alright? D-does it hurt?

Does it hurt? I don't know. That hurt?

[screaming]

Somebody help me too, please!

Pop, quick.

How bad is it?

Oh, it's real bad.

The only thing I can see is the handle.

- Oh, man. - I think we should pull it off.

Yeah. Okay. Now, Marlon, you brace yourself.

I'mma count to three now, you hold your breath.

- One, two-- - Hold on, wait, pop.

Hold on.

Don't let Esther look. Esther, turn your head.

Turn your head.

Okay. One, two, three!

[screaming]

Oh, damn!

- Is it bad, pop? - Yes, it's bad.

You broke the handle!

Will you hurry up, Marlon?

Um, excuse me.

[screaming]

- You wanna.. - Wait.

Excuse me. My little brother was in an accident.

Fill this out and sign at the bottom.

But you don't understand, he's in a lot of pain.

Fill out the form and sign at the bottom.

But I'm in a hurry and I gotta go.

So am I!

I got two bottles of vodka at home with my name on it.

But you don't see me runnin' outta here now, do you?

Maybe you should start runnin', you'd lose a couple pounds.

She was nice.

Damn, Shawn.

I ain't seen this many sick people

since Kathie Lee sang the national anthem.

Just fill out the form, man, we're gonna be here all day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Say, that looks...bad.

- Yeah. - You got insurance?

Uh-uh.

Well, that's too bad 'cause I don't either

and I've been here for three days.

- Three days? - Yes.

And you'd think I'd get better treatment too

being an ex-president and all.

- What? - Yes.

I am Abraham Lincoln.

This guy is crazy.

You there, man, what do you think, we're stupid?

Abraham Lincoln has a beard.

Stupid.

Well, look, Marl, I don't have time to hang out

with you and Abe, I gotta go.

Come on, man, you can't leave me here for three days.

Shawn, I'm in pain!

It ain't my fault you don't have insurance.

Hey, why don't you lend me your insurance card?

No! It's illegal!

Come on, Shawn, you heard the president.

They are never gonna take care of me without insurance.

Alright. Here.

- Thank you, brother. - You're welcome.

Now just remember you're Shawn Williams.

- I'm Shawn Williams. - Good.

- What's your name? - Marlon.

No! You're Shawn Williams, okay?

Oh. Shawn Williams.

- Alright. - Alright.

- Peace. - Alright. Later, Shawn.

Here you go, sour but beautiful.

Watch it, funny boy.

I'm the one who decides who goes next.

You keep this up and you'll go after Abraham Lincoln.

Now, do you have insurance or not?

Yes, I do.

Boo-ya!

And might I add, I'm, uh..

...strangely attracted to you?

[sniffing]

Your name?

Uh, Shawn Williams.

Shawn...Williams.

Ooh, I like the way you say that.

I bet you I can make you say it a little bit differently.

Uh, Shawn..

Speak Spanish. Shawnito.

Are you, uh, flirtin' with me, Mr. Williams?

- I don't know, is it workin'? - Hm, yes.

Well, then I'm flirtin'.

[laughing]

Look here, nice round brown..

...here's my number.

I work over at APS.

Don't forget the name. Shawn Williams.

Oh, yeah, I work the night shift.

I got a whole lotta room in the back of my delivery truck

so, uh..

...you can bring the whole package.

Oh, honey, now you're talkin'.

Doctor, this one's next.

[screaming]

I could kill you.

God! Jeez, jeez, jeez!

How much longer is this gonna be?

We should be done in another hour or two.

An hour or two?

Just kidding. All finished.

Just a little proctology humor.

Ha ha ha.

You know, doc, you really crack me up.

[laughing]

I hate being the butt of your jokes.

Hey, doc, you can ass me anything.

Good one. I got to tell those to the guys.

Hey, well, you know, there's a..

...whole

where that came from.

Am I finished yet, doc?

Actually, no. This does not look good to me.

So Dr. Saunders is comin' down to take a look at you.

Saunders, Saunders.

Damn, that name sounds familiar.

Hey, is he a colonel?

No, he's a doctor.

The richest doctor in this hospital too

and, boy, I would love to go out with his daughter.

Daughter? Wait, wait, wait.

Dr. Saunders, his daughter's name

wouldn't happen to be Lisa, would it?

- Yeah, you know her? - Oh, God!

Thanks, Bill, I'll finish up in here.

Anytime, doctor.

Hello, Shawn, I'm Dr. Saunders.

At last, we finally meet.

[chuckling]

So this is what it takes

to finally meet Shawn Williams, huh?

If I'd known, I'd have come by and shot you myself

with a staple gun.

Oh, you know, doc, I-I just been so busy at work.

Really? Too busy to meet your girlfriend's father?

So what is it you do?

For all I know, you're a delivery boy.

A delivery boy? Ping-pong, package.

I'm serious. Lisa hasn't told me very much about much about you.

And you never came by to meet me like a real man would.

- So what is it you do? - I, uh..

I deal in all kinds of junk.

Junk bonds?

Okay.

Oh.

So you're a stockbroker.

Hey, broke is my middle name, Jack.

- Firm? - I don't know, you tell me.

No, what firm do you work for?

Oh. Uh, the-the big one.

- Merrill Lynch? - E-exactly.

How'd you know?

Hey, you know, doc, I'm up for a promotion over there.

- A promotion? - Yeah.

Well, well, well, you certainly have come up in the world.

Hey, like George and Weezy.

I guess you're not really the deadbeat I thought you were.

Thank you, doc.

And if I may extend the compliment to you

you have some very, very warm hands.

Well, thank you, Shawn.

Well, if you don't mind, doc, I gotta be goin'.

I got to get back over to the office.

I'm tryin' to get the name Lynch out of the letterhead.

You know, brothers and the word Lynch

don't get along too well.

Son, not so fast, you know

I really don't like the way that looks.

You should see me on the beach in some speedos.

Seriously, son, I want you to stay here overnight

for observation.

Doc, I'm cool, I mean--

I'll call Lisa

and tell her that you're okay.

I'm sure she's gonna be surprised

to find out we've met.

I know.

Not as surprised as my brother's gonna be.

I'll be right back to prep you

and take you down to surgery, Mr. Heinz.

Surgery?

Aren't you Mr. Heinz

who's having the vasectomy?

No, I'm Shawn Williams.

Then who's been movin' the damn charts around again?

Marlon?

Marlon?

No! Marlon..

Why?

When you took him, you took me!

Shawn, quit the drama, I'm over here.

Oh. My bad.

What's the matter, why'd you call? You okay?

Shawn, I did a bad thing. You know, your ID?

Oh, don't tell me they know who you really are.

No...the problem's with my doctor.

Did he touch you somewhere?

No, Shawn. Does the name Saunders ring a bell?

Saunders.

Is that that white dude with the seven spices

that fries chicken?

No, Dr. Saunders.

- Lisa's father? - Yeah, Lisa's father?

- He thinks I'm you. - What?

Oh, man! I knew I should've never given you that card.

Lucky thing you did.

Thanks to me, Dr. Saunders thinks

you're a stockbroker at, uh, Merrill Lynch.

- Why does he think that? - 'Cause I told him that.

See, I figured we should impress him.

I know how sensitive you are about that delivery thing.

Oh, my God! What am I gonna do, man?

Here. Quick, put this gown on.

That's not gonna solve anything.

No, stupid! Dr. Saunders is comin'.

- How are you feelin', Shawn? - Fine.

- 'I said Shawn.' - Oh, my bad.

He's been talkin' in his sleep all mornin'.

Well, I've been doin' my rounds..

Oh, have you seen my princess yet?

Not yet, Dave.

You know, Shawn, I was thinkin', we should all go out

and celebrate your big promotion.

I'd love to, Davey old boy.

You like Tavern On The Green?

I like hot sauce on my greens.

Alright, it's a date.

- Okay. - I'll see you later.

Alright.

- Hey, Dr. Saunders? - Yeah.

Anybody ever tell you you look like Shaft?

Shut your mouth.

Marlon, I'm gonna kill you, man!

Why'd you tell him I'm a big success?

Because, Shawn, it sounded better than

I'm a broke-ass delivery boy.

You're an idiot, man! Don't you see you ruined everything?

Now I'm never gonna get a chance to meet her father.

Yeah, well, you're the one that was too embarrassed

to tell him that-that you was a delivery boy

in the first place. Chicken.

Hey, I ain't no chicken.

Shawn, Lisa!

Oh, my, God! What are we gonna do?

Here. Quick. Switch beds.

- Oh, man, come on. - Come on.

- Hurry up! - I'm-I'm comin', I'm goin'.

I got you.

Baby, are you alright?

Ah, yeah. I'm just a little tired, that's all.

Well, at least you got to finally meet my daddy.

I told you it wouldn't be so bad.

He likes you. He really, really likes you.

Yeah, well, he hasn't gotten to know the real me yet.

What are you talkin' about?

He got to see your little pumpkin buns.

Pumpkin buns?

[laughing]

What's wrong with that guy?

He got brain damage.

Yeah, his brother beat him over the head with a pipe

for messing up his life.

I cannot believe that you're in the hospital

because you sat on a staple gun.

That is so stupid, it sounds like

somethin' Marlon would do.

Ah, there's my princess.

- How are you, sweetheart? - Daddy!

You takin' good care of my Shawn?

Well, I've done my part.

Now all he needs is a little tender lovin' care.

- Well, I'll do my best. - Good.

Good. Alright, I'll be right back. Listen.

I'm gonna go check on his test results.

See you later, Shawn.

- See you, doc. - See you, doc.

I know what would make you feel better.

How about a nice shoulder massage, would you like that?

Mm-hmm.

Mm..

Ooh, God, have you been losin' weight?

Mm-hmm.

You've been working so hard, I can feel your little ribs.

Mm-hmm.

You just needed a little love and attention, didn't you?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, that guy fell off the bed!

I'm gonna get a nurse.

Nurse! Nurse!

Boy, switch beds.

If she gonna be rubbin' on anybody

it's gonna be me.

Look at you, I finally get some attention from somebody

and you can't handle it.

Stay outside, miss.

- Mr. Heinz, are you alright? - Mr. Heinz?

Oh, lady, you got it all wrong. I ain't Mr. Heinz.

Oh, yes, you are. It says so right here on this chart.

And it's time to take you down for your vasectomy.

Vasectomy? No, no, no, look, I changed my mind.

I don't want the operation.

Too late. We already booked the room.

No! I don't wanna be stubby!

'I don't wanna be stubby!'

Help me! Help me, please! Help!

Did you hear that? That guy's gonna have a vasectomy.

Good, he don't look like the kind that should reproduce.

Shawn, what happened to you?

Lisa's father called looking for her

and I came right down.

He sat on a staple gun.

You too?

What do you mean him too?

Well, Marlon sat on one.

Everybody's sittin' on 'em.

See, it must be a fad, you know?

Just like that nipple piercing. See here. Look here.

Pop, what are you doin', man?

Tryin' to keep up with the time.

Oh, don't worry, baby, these are, these are clip-ons.

They drive your mama crazy!

(Shawn) 'Pop! Stop!'

'Pop, come on, man.'

Daddy, um..

I want you to meet Shawn's father.

This is my big daddy.

- How do you do? - Good to meet you, sir.

Your son is one fine man.

(Marlon) Help me! Help me, please! Help!

A-a-a..

And your daughter's not too shabby neither.

Well, thank you.

Well, what do you say we take a look here, son?

- Oh, my God. - Whoa!

That's the fastest recovery I've ever seen.

What's going on here? That's not Shawn's butt.

Yes, it is.

I mean it could be.

I mean it looks th-the way

I always pictured it would look, daddy.

Oh, no, no, no, that's Shawn's butt, alright.

See, Shawn got a cute little butt like his daddy.

I know what I saw, and that's not Shawn's butt.

No, no, no, Marlon's got the little bony behind.

His butt's so bony, it look like two eggs in a paper bag.

Help me! Help me, please!

Help me! They're tryin' to shave me!

- Shawn? - Dr. Saunders?

- Marlon? - Marlon?

- Shawn! - Marlon!

- Lisa? - Shawn?

- Lisa? - Shawn?

- Pops. - Marlon?

- Mr. Heinz! - No-o!

Help me! Help me, please!

'Help me! Help me, please!'

What is going on in this room?

Everybody's lost their mind in this room!

That's what's goin' on.

Hold up. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I can explain everything.

Dr. Saunders, I'm Shawn Williams.

Marlon's my little brother.

I loaned him my insurance card

so he could get some medical attention.

Smart thinking!

I mean shame on you.

So you're the stockbroker for Merrill Lynch?

What? I ain't no damn stockbroker.

Well, what do you do?

I deliver packages for APS.

No, no, no, really.

Really, I'm a delivery man.

You know, "Ding-dong, package!"

And that's probably why I was afraid to meet you.

But, hey, I ain't got nothin' to be ashamed of

'cause I got a good job.

And I got dreams. Big dreams.

And one day, with my dreams

and Lisa's love..

...I'm gonna run this town.

I-I'm sorry. What did you say after "I'm an APS man?"

Hey, w-w-wait a minute, Dr. Saunders.

Don't you be lookin' down your sedity big nose at my son.

He's a good man, honest man

and a hard-working man.

- A delivery man! - And I love him.

And that should be enough for you.

That's right.

Lisa could do a lot worse.

Help me! Help me, please!

Help me! Help me, please!

And I mean a whole lot worse.

I guess you're right.

Dr. Saunders, help me!

They're tryin' to neuter me.

I don't want to be a eunuch. Please!

Don't worry, Mr. Heinz, this'll calm you down.

- You won't feel a thing. - Oh, man. Oh!

Please, y'all tell them I'm not Mr. Heinz!

Help me. Help me, please!

Why don't y'all tell 'em I'm not Mr. Heinz?

[all whistling]

Help me! Help me, please!

Help me! Ohh!

[all whistling]

Alright, alright, let's go get him. Come on.

Yeah. Let's go.

Well, Shawn, I'm glad you got to finally meet my father.

Yeah, things turned out pretty good after all.

I mean your father finally knows what I do.

Pops got insurance for Marlon.

Well, I'm glad you're happy.

That damn medical insurance is gonna send me

to the poorhouse.

How come, pop?

Because not only do I have to cover you

I have to cover Benny.

In case you've never noticed

Benny has a few dependents.

[indistinct chatter]

I know. I know. You've been married three times.

Shawn, there you are. They said I'd find you here.

Hey, I don't even know you, freak.

I'm not talkin' to you, raisin-head.

I'm talkin' to the good-lookin' one.

Shawn! Get over here, hot stuff.

I got my brother's truck and the whole night off!

We're gonna rock 'n' roll. Come on, baby!

I don't like rock 'n' roll, only hip-hop.

No.

Bye-bye!

- Bye-bye, macaroni. - Macaroni.

Macaroni, she's gonna mac your roni.

Clear.

[groaning]

You okay, Pops?

Yeah. Yeah. This is great!

- Good, good, now you do me. - Okay. Okay.

Clear!

Dr. Saunders?

Dr. Saunders?

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon. Say cheese!