Original subtitles

Look here, Johnson,

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Well, anyway.

Oh.

Bring the beat back.

Oh, yes, I remember that.

Yes, I remember that.

So you can see why we are considered

the premier training ground for aspiring politicians.

Many of our graduates have gone on to become cabinet ministers.

And in some cases,

even disgraced cabinet ministers.

Come on, mate. - Lovely

Up. Up! Down. - Hey, boy!

Hello. Hello! Nothing to be afraid of.

Oh look, lovely photogenic teeth. Look at that.

Yeah, they’d be…

…they’re perfect for awkwardly eating a hotdog

at a school fete.

Ah! Down.

Dagwood dogs. Chips on a stick.

Oh, lovely weak spine.

Yeah, keep an eye on this one.

Oh yeah, he’s a real thoroughbred.

Come on, buddy. Come on. Come on.

Giddy up.

You know what? I love the weak spine,

but does he have a moral backbone?

Absolutely not, no.

Oh, thank God.

I will provide that 1 million jobs.

20 million and that's a promise.

And this is where they learn how to handle

questions from journalists.

…the working class.

Well, what you should be focusing on,

all the mistakes that the other party made when

they were in power 13 years ago.

And let us not forget that there were good and

bad people on both sides of the Klan rally.

Sorry, yes, you're right.

I do think that I made a mistake and I would like

to apologise unreservedly.

Never admit to a mistake.

Good? So just a little nudge in the right direction.

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey! Stop that.

Hey! Let him finish.

So they’re on a fairly strict diet.

Oats, soybeans, xenophobia.

Sorry, is that one doing cocaine?

Ah, well spotted. Yes.

That’s not setting a very good example, is it?

No.

Well no, if people followed their examples,

society as we know it would collapse instantaneously.

Right? Okay? You had me going.

Sorry. Sorry, the xenophobia I understand...

No, of course. It’s a lot to get your head around.

…but cocaine, really.

Keep it up.

Well this all looks rather elaborate.

explosion]

It trains them to switch their humanity on and off,

so they can go from bombing a small village to...

...opening a supermarket.

Oh, such flexible morals.

It certainly puts them through their paces.

I can’t! I can’t!

Hang on, is this one showing remorse?

Ah, yes. Not a good sign.

I just…I can't.

Anyway, up next is graduation.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well you have all worked incredibly hard this semester.

But not all of you have what it takes to become a politician.

You, for instance.

You are the most spineless, amoral, cowardly,

self-serving deceitful excuse for a human being

we have ever seen.

Congratulations.

Oh!

The donors are gonna love you.

Get in there.

Absolutely disgraceful. Well done, mate.

Thank You.

There’s a piece of coal for you.

Oh, how good.

And… photo.

Yeah.

We’ll take him.

This is a fishing kayak, the River Panther X19.

It was made in 2020

and made of UV-stabilised high-density polyethylene.

This is Mitch Daniels,

Melbourne International Comedy Festival award-winner

and recently, he’s been having dangerous thoughts.

Hey Mitch, you wanna do some therapy in a kayak?

I sure do. I've got a lot of personal problems.

Great.

Christ! Ah, what do you see when you look at that?

I don't know.

This is "Comedians In Kayaks Getting Therapy".

Don’t mind if I do.

Gee, that was quick.

I'm not going to share my data. No.

Enjoy the new toy.

Goodnight, darling.

Goodnight, Schnoodles.

Night, night, Schnoodles.

Matey?

No.

Love sleep? Then you’ll love monster trucks!

Monster Trucks!

Not into monster trucks? Then enable data-sharing

for a more personalised experience.

More data, more sleep.

Far out!

Did you not enable data sharing?

No, no, no, but they bloody want you to, don’t they?

Daft things.

It’s just normally people click ‘yes’.

Oh, well I can play too.

Yeah, I'm not gonna give in.

Sure, keep going.

Yeah, keep it going.

Yeah, who’s got more patience?

I can stay here all night.

No, no, no.

Ohhh!

Just sliced, more like it.

Oh, that’s a good one.

You ready for the big pitch?

Hmm? Oh yeah, yeah, I think so.

You've been trying to land this account for four years...

So if I enable the settings,

then the pillow can use my data to help monetise my

sleep profile.

Simon, drop it. You're fixated on this data sharing thing.

Please, just...

Well I don't want third parties knowing

how and then when I go to sleep.

That is bloody weird.

Let them watch. We’re all happy being watched.

You… you unlock great features.

Oh Christ, Simon.

Anyway, get some sleep. You'll need it.

Yeah, yeah, I got the, er, the big pitch.

We’re pretty settled with which agency we want to go with,

but we’re willing to be convinced otherwise.

Okay, well look, we see…

...we see Crinkle Cereal as a fresh, ah, youthful cereal.

Um, here I'll show you.

Ah, that’s... here we go.

No, that’s...

Is this a joke?

I… I didn’t do it.

The… the pillow did it.

Wasting my time!

Bloody boss calls me afterwards and fires me.

It’s not my fault, it’s the goddamn pillow!

Simon, come on!

It’s time you just enabled the data sharing.

The diagnostic services are really quite useful.

Hey Jenny, hang on a tick, will you? I'll call you back.

Schnoodles?

Ohhh!

Ohh!

But Jenny, I...

Don’t ‘but Jenny’ me.

You lose your job, you manage to accidentally boil Schnoodles.

And what in the hell is all that drivel

you've been writing on Facebook?

I'm doing what I should have done a long time ago.

I could almost look past all that stuff,

but what’s worse is…

... you just won’t enable all the privacy settings,

as your perfectly reasonable pillow asked!

Details are very ambiguously phrased!

Everyone does it!

Loser!

Oh come on, no! Jenny!

No, I don't want third parties knowing

how and when I go to sleep.

We’re all happy being watched.

Schnoodles? - Loser!

Yeah? You think you're smart? You're not smart.

You think you're smart? Oh, you're not smart. You're evil!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, pillow.

Hey Simmo, how are you, mate?

Davo, how are you, mate?

How’s the pillow treating ya?

No. No, I got rid of it.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, the joke’s on them.

You know what, I didn’t even enable all the settings either.

We catching up at 2 o'clock, then?

What, 2 o'clock? You mean pub o’clock?

Done.

Alrighty. Alrighty, I'll see you there, ya fat chode.

- Don't…

Ohh!

This is a wingsuit.

It’s made from rip stock nylon.

It has inlets on the back surface

to maintain internal pressure,

decreasing the lift to drag ratio.

Hello?

Hi, mate.

Ah, look we’re going through a restructure at the zoo

and I'm afraid, um, we’re gonna have to let you go.

But I... but I love my job, man.

I'm fully committed!

Sorry, mate.

This is "Zookeepers in Wingsuits Getting Fired".

Wow, we’ve done it.

We’ve written a Star Wars film. Finished.

I know. It just only took five years.

I can't believe we finally got here.

How’re my two favourite writers?

Great, yeah.

Are you excited?

Oh, so excited. Five-year-old me is just giddy.

You must be so proud.

I mean, it’s original, new characters. It’s perfect.

Fantastic, fantastic.

Well speaking of fantastic,

we have an online fan that just wants to have a quick chat.

It’s just really important we hear the fans out.

Err, an online fan is coming here?

Oh yeah.

Okay. Um do you...

Oh, no, no, you... you... you've got this, yeah.

Alrighty. Okay.

Ooh.

You … Right, you sure this is it?

Ah yeah, yeah, yeah. This is um, this is ah, definitely, yeah.

Ahh.

Good luck.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Yep. Thanks.

Yeah, so …

Ooh!

Hi.

What… is this?

Oh, you're gonna love it.

All-new characters, totally new adventure,

completely original. It’s ah It’s, ah, you're gonna love it.

No.

What?

Nothing ground-breaking.

Now need I remind you of our great displeasure

at the woke casting.

Oh, I mean, I thought, you know what with like lightning fingers

and wizard ghosts you'd be able to get your head around,

like a diverse stormtrooper. I mean...

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

This script needs a Yoda.

Ah, no, we just gave you a Baby Yoda.

Insolence!

The terms have now changed.

You shall give us a Baby Yoda who has a baby.

Oh, you … you ask the impossible.

Oh, would you prefer that I take to Twitter?

Oh no, no! Don’t… don’t start a hashtag, please.

That... that... that’s fine.

Ah, we shall double our efforts.

I shall have a Baby Yoda’s baby. That’s okay.

Good idea.

And bring back Darth Vader.

What? He’s dead!

The Emperor, Boba Fett, we brought them back too.

It’s the same characters every time.

Well how big is this galaxy far, far away? What, a cul-de-sac?

Need I remind you...

...that the reaction videos are fully buffered

and quite operational.

No!

How did you turn not liking stuff

into a performative pastime?

Why couldn’t you just hate stuff in your head like normal people?

Hatred makes us strong.

And money,

in the form of millions of views on monetised videos.

We are the power now.

No, you… you can’t.

We shouldn’t have to appease you just because if we don’t,

you'll make more of a spectacle of yourself

than the actual movie.

Very well.

Launch the reaction videos.

Oh no, no, no, don’t...

This new Star Wars script, it’s crap.

Results are in. It’s shit.

If I appease the fans I'll be enabling endless

Rick and Morty fans who storm McDonalds!

People who campaigned against all-female Ghostbusters!

Death threats from Beyonce fans.

Oh, that went really well.

Oh yeah, any changes?

Ah yeah, just a few.

It’s now no longer like a totally original concept

with new characters.

It’s now "Star Wars Episode X, The Return of Everyone as a Baby

And All Those Babies Have a Baby Together

and It’s a Giant Hybrid Baby That The Fans Really Like.

And The Fans Are Awesome, By The Way".

We’ve still got an Asian lead character, right?

Oh God!

The fans would go mad.

I can't even imagine it!

Where am I?

Am I a fridge?

Is... is this space?

This is...

"Refrigerators In Space Getting Consciousness'.

Oh, yes, I remember that.

Yes, I remember that.

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