Original subtitles

Look here, Johnson,

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Well, anyway.

Oh.

Bring the beat back.

Oh, yes, I remember that.

Yes, I remember that.

Good evening. Our first story tonight,

news of an incident in Australia.

Details are still unclear, but it appears several

buildings have been damaged and civilians injured.

I think we have some footage that's just been submitted.

Trust me, just run. Run while you still can.

It's Attenborough! It's David Attenborough!

He's f*cking pissed off.

Oh sh*t, here he comes!

Disturbing images there.

As always, we do have in the studio with us

Susan Faye, who's going to give us

the latest on this unfolding situation. Susan.

Thanks, Hugh. Earlier today, Sir David Attenborough

went from national treasure to international incident

when, no longer able to internalise his rage

caused by decades of us celebrating his documentaries

while also disregarding their message,

he, and I quote, "Totally flipped his biscuits."

At 6:45 GMT, witnesses described him as becoming

abnormally strong, tossing a black cab into the Thames.

At 7:20 he was no longer able to contain his rage against

humanity's indifference towards the natural world and onlookers

say he grew substantially in size, eventually towering over

a double-decker bus, or a stack of 11 children.

At 9:20, another sighting, this time in Dubai,

where a towering Attenborough headbutted the Burj Khalifa,

knocking it to the ground,

before eventually crossing the Indian Ocean,

and heading towards Australia.

So sorry to cut you off, Susan.

I do believe we have someone on the ground who has a visual

on the Attenborough, who's now reached Sydney.

We've got, yes, Tony is down there, old T-bone. Tony?

Thank you, Hugh. Well, I did just make visual contact

on what is now being referred to as a massive Attenborough.

He is absolutely humongous now,

the very earth shaking every time one of his

beige-panted legs makes landfall.

And can you currently see him?

No, unfortunately, we lost him through smoke

billowing through a skyscraper he's just clotheslined.

Gone is the calm, wistful, narration,

replaced instead by the unforgiving wrath of a vengeful

colossus, and easily the largest TV presenter I have ever seen.

Something's gone wrong.

Tony?

-

Oh my God!

Tony?

Dear God, no!

Tony!

Tony Jennings there.

Beloved reporter, and latest victim

of the massive Attenborough.

Well, we're joined now by intelligence analyst

Margie Smith.

Margie, can this massive Attenborough be reasoned with?

Absolutely not.

His terms are utterly irrational.

He's insisting that we cherish the Earth

the same way he does.

Otherwise, he'll destroy us all.

Yes, and I believe we have audio of those demands

being made from a few moments ago,

when he spoke face-to-face with a helicopter.

You see?

- He's a global threat. - Much like climate change.

Yes, but he's a threat right now.

Not in some long-term way that we can vaguely

sort of choose not to think about.

Forget David, he is all Goliath.

How can he be stopped, Margie?

This is an existential threat,

and it requires all of us, regardless of our differences,

to come together and unite in a common strategy.

Yes, as we're seeing. Leaders from the US,

China, and Russia seen here all holding hands,

gleefully burning an effigy of the upscaled nonagenarian.

Over on Twitter as well,

the reaction has been uncharacteristically unifying.

Susan?

That's right, 87% of Twitter users say

they'd like the famed British knight to be killed,

while 13% say they'd like him to be captured and then murdered.

If you'd like to feature on our wall, please take a photo

with your own burning effigy and use the hashtag

"burnattenboroughburn."

We're from QAnon,

the online conspiracy supergroup

that's all the rage.

Using the QAnon approach,

we help people who have lost their voice

find an audience.

I'm so funny.

Okay, so we've got Ted.

He's a well-educated dissident author,

likes talking about big ideas, but he no longer connects

with people and basically feels old-fashioned.

And if you can't accept yourself…

No one else will.

Meet Ted. Ted was a best-selling anti-establishment author.

Now, his books don't even sell because, like, the books

are full of boring things like words, research, and facts. Ew!

Anyway, so Ted needs a QAnon makeover

to make sure his new ideas spread like the plague.

So, I used to love a good controversial discussion,

but recently I've found fewer people

wanting to share in my ideas.

I feel like I'm losing my voice.

I feel like no one's listening to me.

Knock, knock. QAnon to the rescue.

It's makeover time.

The aesthetic of your ideas, their style,

the way you communicate. It's all a bit meh.

And we thinks it needs a refresh.

We want you to go from has-been to conspira-seen.

I'm for it.

Oh, Ted.

Ted's house is spacious, homely, and well-designed.

Reeks of sheeple.

We are going to give it a refresh that's more suited

to a modern man with outlandish and fashionable ideas.

We're going to take away any single open window,

and maybe even open doors.

Ted is going to be isolated like he's never been before.

Gang. We're going to break this bread together.

Okay. Ready? Steady, and go.

First step is, um, your books. Media Manipulation.

Silencing of Dissidents.

I mean, that culture of authorship is just so passé.

Yeah.

That's the old you because now it's the 2020's, Teddy.

You have to be creating clickbait with wild titles like,

Why All Democrats Eat Babies.

And, How Bill Gates Caused 5G.

Ten Things In Toothpastes That'll Control Your Mind.

But none of those things are true.

Teddy, it doesn't matter what's true. What matters…

is always being right.

- I see. - See.

My man!

Goodbye, Manufacturing Consent.

Hello, Manufacturing Content.

More like, Carl Jung's The Dead Book.

Oh wow. This looks nice.

It actually looks really nice. Do you want that?

It's great.

It's like a rebirth, I guess.

I liked the thing about, um…

...being right.

I think that's, that's the key to it.

Well done, Ted.

Well done.

I don't have any regrets.

I think it's the right way forward for me.

They found Elvis.

Wow, just perfect.

Is this the bit

where we go to the fancy designer shop?

We were thinking more a paramilitary look.

Because nothing's screams, "My ideas are worth hearing,"

than looking as if you're going to murder someone

if they don't listen to you.

While Veroche picks your outfit,

we're going to sort your hair out.

I trust you guys.

So you should, mate. So you should.

Okay, Ted. Come on out.

What's up, Ted Heads?

Yeah!

Oh man!

So, what's the title of your next video, Ted?

My Proof that Feminists Are Actually Jewish Paedophiles.

Like that?

I can't believe that just two weeks ago,

you were writing proper books

that weren't getting read by anyone.

Now, you've got over 20,000 YouTube subscribers in two days,

and the stuff you're saying

is an incomprehensible, garbled form of psychosis.

You did it.

Hail the lizards!

Ted Heads! Ted Heads! Ted Heads!

["The Star-Spangled Banner" plays]

Oh my God, Jess!

So good to see you out.

But wait, if you're here, who's looking after the kids?

Um, Paul.

that dad life

we splash-splash

of a modern major daddy

did you hear that?

what a total catch

it's still mostly me

I'm clocking overtime

if it fits my schedule

what you're doing right now!

It's not babysitting if it's your own kid.

I just say f*ck it

27 chicken nuggets

a healthy wrap and grapes

not all heroes wear capes

read the recipe wrong

our 6-month-old is strong

committed an assault

What the f*ck?

I've got them dad vibes

for twice the praise

I get heaps of cred

I mean, you only put them to bed,

like, twice a week.

she snapped you up

Oh my actual God.

Okay.

for doing f*ck all

was when he emptied his balls

f*cking Pied Piper

confidence, Paul

a diaper?

No… aargh…

Aah.

Eurgh!

I got them dad vibes

need to go night-night

let's hear it for the dads

Why don't you hang with the lads?

a girl's night

Ooh, I work so hard.

I got them dad vibes

I got them dad vibes

I got them dad vibes

On me, on me, form a line.

Today is the day. Here we stand, and there the enemy stands.

Today, we're going to send them a message,

that not a single one of their footsteps

is going to desecrate our national soil.

They’re attacking, okay.

Form a line, form a line! Ready?

And… cross… fingers

Wait, hold on.

Wait, so cross fingers, but, you know,

then we go get our swords, yeah?

No, no, the power of positive thinking will win the battle.

We have to manifest our victory.

You what?

I read a self-help parchment.

If you will something to happen, it will happen.

Right.

Just not sure the enemy's swords are going to respect the fact

that I was really hoping to win today.

Oh, negative ninny. Watch out.

She's going to cost us the battle.

General, could I just get a sword as backup?

Yeah, I'll take one.

What, and stoop to their level?

What, their level of being armed?

Look, as soon as you pick up a sword,

you're committed to losing.

Because you've stopped believing.

And that's what we need to do, we need to believe.

General, positive attitude on occasion,

can help you motivate to take positive steps,

but positive attitude cannot replace those steps.

Oh sh*t, they're charging.

All right, get ready to defend yourself.

And, raise shields!

F*ck.

It's a f*cking mood board.

A better defence against negative thinking,

I do not know.

Actual physical pain.

Okay, screw this. I'm going to go to the armoury,

get us a sword or two.

Get me one too. A big one.

Oh my God!

He's costing us the mental battle.

I'd rather win the physical battle, General.

- It's too late!

They're upon us.

Form the line.

All right. Reach into your weapon pouches and…

...charge!

Oh sh*t!

-

Well, I think it's quite catchy.

It's Bono and Taylor Swift's latest single,

"Atten-Bomb,"

urging for Sir David's utter annihilation,

and that's currently sitting at number one.

Proceeds, of course, going to Trident,

the UK's missile defence system,

which will shortly strike the massive Attenborough,

directly in the face.

And I think we have a live feed of the operation now.

There it is. The juggernaut headed out to sea.

It's a very tense atmosphere in the studio, I can tell you.

This footage, of course, being provided by a joint task force

made up of the Navy seals, SAS, and all the terrorists.

Putting aside their differences

because this really affects us all,

unlike anything else I can think of right now.

And I believe we're moments away.

Yes, this, this could be it.

Yes, they did it! Oh, what a result.

We, yes, believe Sir David Attenborough,

creator of over 30 beloved documentaries,

has been neutralised.

What a victory.

There will be celebrations in cities across the globe tonight.

Yes, it's so heart-warming to see humanity come together

to solve a problem through extreme violence

in the short term.

It's what we do best.

There's literally nothing else this collected

resources and energy... thank you...

could have been used to solve, especially not the issues

that set off the massive Attenborough in the first place.

Well, I'm off to immediately propose to someone.

Here's the weather.

Oh, yes, I remember that.

Yes, I remember that.

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