Original subtitles

Gentlemen, Wilderness Weekend is upon us.

There will be no video games.

There will be no Internet pads.

This weekend, you have two parents.

Me and Mother Nature.

And I am Mother Nature's brother,

Brother Nature.

But you can call me Andy. Or Brother Nature. Your call.

Thank you, Andy. Brother Nature.

For the last three years I have served

as Troop Leader of the Pawnee Rangers.

This is our handbook.

I wrote the whole thing myself.

Okay, it's time to give out the badges.

Um... Let's see. Emily, you get the badge for Most Community Service.

To Casey, the Best Penguin Blog badge.

To Abigail, Flyest Hairstyle.

And Ann gets the badge for Second-Flyest Hairstyle.

Oh. I wasn't competing for that.

I'll say.

Five years ago, a plucky fifth-grader

wanted to join the Pawnee Rangers.

But their executive council said

what obnoxious jerks always say,

"No. This is males only. Go start your own club."

She couldn't. So I did.

We're called the Pawnee Goddesses, and we're freaking awesome.

Hi, Ron. Whose club do you think is better, yours or mine?

The answer is mine. Say mine is better.

It's not a competition.

Oh, but it is.

Your club made it a competition when they kept girls out.

Oh, my stars! I'm just a little lady.

My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors.

I have no problem with strong women, Leslie.

Who is Leslie? My name is Annabelle Vandergraf.

And, y'all, I just fall to pieces

when the sun shines on my head.

However, the Pawnee Rangers were founded

because some boys want to go out into nature

and learn traditional survival skills

without being distracted by girls.

Well, my awesome Goddesses don't want to be distracted by losers.

Say my club is better, Ron. Say it.

My club is better. Say it.

Come on. Say it's better.

Say it. Say it's better. Say my club is better. Say it. Give it up.

Whose club is better? Mine. Say it. You know it. Say it.

On principle, I never say anything

that another person is obviously trying to get me to say.

My first wedding ceremony took two hours.

Because after the priest said, "Repeat after me,"

I fell silent.

I've been auditing the budget and I noticed

you're way behind on your paperwork.

Jerry, you haven't filled out a PC-10 form in two and a half years.

Oh, geez. I'm sorry.

Yeah, we kind of do our paperwork at our own speed.

Oh, really? Well, I kind of need you to do it at my speed.

Fine, I'll do them.

What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?

Nothing is wrong. Just do your job.

And they would never cancel Game of Thrones.

It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts.

They're telling human stories in a fantasy world.

Fill out the forms, please. Thank you.

I used to have one really good reason for staying in Pawnee.

But now, I'm not sure what's keeping me here.

Although, I am just two sandwiches away from a free meatball sub.

This is expired.

Rangers, as a reward for coming on this trip,

I have gotten you each two gifts.

Go ahead. Open them.

What is this?

That is a canvas sheet.

The most versatile object known to man.

It can be used to make tents, backpacks,

shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins,

and I suppose in the most dire of circumstances,

it can be a surface on which to make art.

What's the second gift?

The second gift is the box itself.

You have ten minutes to assemble a shelter using only your two gifts. Go.

Ladies, the Goddess cabin has never looked better.

This year's Cabin Refurbishment Badge

is going to be hotly contested.

Okay. So, what did everybody make

for their loosely structured craft time?

Lauren?

I made a Gertrude Stein.

Amazing, Lauren. That's so good.

I really wouldn't want to follow that.

Ann?

Oh, boy.

I was making some corn-husk dolls for everyone.

But they kind of turned out wrong, so they look like monsters.

I'm sorry. I'm just going to put that over there.

In the fire.

Well, Ann is keeping us warm. And that's important.

April.

What was your craft?

I drew something on my arm.

It's a pioneer girl watching her grandmother get trampled by buffalo.

Yeah. This right here is all the blood coming out of her face.

D.J. Bluntz is in the building

Here to announce that Tom Haverford is in the building

Oh! One, two, one, two!

Donatella. T-Mobile.

Three words for you. "Treat." "Yo." "Self."

Treat Yourself 2011

Once a year Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves.

What do we treat ourselves to?

Clothes.

Treat Yourself. Fragrances.

Treat Yourself. Massages.

Treat Yourself. Mimosas.

Treat Yourself. Fine leather goods.

Treat Yourself.

It's the best day of the year.

The best day of the year

I've got a question. Mmm-hmm?

What do you think about inviting Ben to come along with us today?

What? No!

This is our thing.

But he really seems like he could use a day off.

He's like a skinny, little rubber band that's about to snap in half.

Exactly. He doesn't know how to relax.

Donna, you and I are relaxation professionals.

There's no way Ben can slow down enough to keep up with us.

My Nubian princess, this is our holy day.

It's the one day a year I allow myself to be selfish.

Ooh! Cupcakes.

Those are all for me, Jerry.

This homemade bulgogi is so delicious, Kayla.

This is the best Korean food I've ever had.

I would say it's almost as good as lukewarm beans from a can.

Right, Ron?

I'm trying to teach my boys about rationing food.

And your self-indulgent ethnic food court isn't helping.

Goddesses, let's go over our schedule for this afternoon.

We have hiking and then capture the flag,

and then a puppet show about the Bill of Rights

set to Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus.

And then, we have lasso training and a s'mores-off.

So, what's on our schedule, Mr. Swanson?

We have one activity planned.

Not getting killed.

Jerry. Oh!

Everybody must be at Rangers Weekend.

You know, I actually was a Ranger for 12 years.

That's wonderful. Maybe you should take the day off.

You know, rest is very important.

Did you know that lab rats who are deprived of rest

grow tumors all over their bodies?

You should Google it. It's horrifying.

Thank you. Yes. You know, I'm going to go have lunch with my daughter.

You know, Chris, if you want to, you know, you should join us for lunch.

My daughter, she's really sweet.

I would love to, Jerry, but I'm afraid that I am busy.

- I have got to run. - Okay.

Google those rat tumors.

Treat Yourself 2011

Oh, Lord. Is he eating soup on a bench alone?

Tom.

Fine.

Come on, rubber band. You're coming with us.

What? What are you...

No arguing. And no soup in the Benz. Get in.

What... What...

What is happening right now?

Great pillow fight, girls. That was one of our best ones yet.

Okay, now, it's time for awards.

Lulu gets the Golden Pillow.

And the Silver Pillow goes to Janie.

Ooh.

Yes? What is it?

Ms. Knope?

I don't like the Rangers anymore.

I want to become a Pawnee Goddess.

I did it. My club is officially the best club.

I would give myself a merit badge that says,

"Best Club Founder," but I don't have one.

So, I'm going to give myself, "Prettiest Eyes," as a placeholder.

I secretly always wanted this badge, so it works out great.

You were defecting?

I like you, Mr. Swanson. lt's just...

All we do is sit in silence and eat beans.

Those beans were a reward.

Well, see, the thing is this club is for girls only.

Maybe you should start your own club for boys.

Get back to your canvas box. We'll discuss this no further.

And I'll thank you to keep the ruckus down

so my boys can focus on solitude.

I'm sorry, Darren. Let's go.

So, Treat Yourself Day is just a day

where you go to the spa and then the mall?

I knew you wouldn't get it.

Well, I'm a relaxation novice. Give me some guidance.

Listen to me, Bento Box The point of this is to pamper yourself.

Just relax, man.

I can't. There's something about the sound of harps

that makes me nervous.

Oh, my God.

Hi, Donna.

Hey. Relaxation lesson number one, acupuncture.

It's great for your back and your rear.

Needles in your face, pleasure in your base.

I know. Here comes my boss.

Hey, Chris. I would like you to meet my daughter, Millicent.

Wow. Jerry, great job.

I'm your dad's boss. And his much younger friend.

Pleasure to meet you.

Isn't she beautiful?

I say she looks like my wife, Gayle. And Gayle agrees.

So, anyway, we were going to go to lunch, so...

I retroactively accept your original offer. Let's go.

Ladies, I just wanted to thank you

for not cheering when I sent Darren away.

Ms. Knope, wasn't Darren just asking for the same equality

that you and the Goddesses wanted five years ago?

In a sense, but it's a little bit more complicated than...

Wasn't your answer the very same thing

that the Ranger Council said to you?

"Stick to your own kind"?

Who wants homemade peanut brittle?

Miss Perkins, please. We're in the middle of a debate.

Sorry.

Come on, Goddesses. We just struck a huge blow for equality

by proving that we were better than them.

I disagree. LAUREN: What about a public forum?

You always say that there's no better solution for a hot-button issue

than a good old-fashioned public forum.

Great idea, Lauren. What was that?

I said, "Great idea, Lauren."

I've taught them too well.

I've created a mob of little Leslie Knope monsters.

I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud.

70130.

Just relax and don't move.

This is the most stressed out I've ever been in my life.

Ben, listen, I'm going to talk to you about things you like

to take your mind off the needles. Okay?

Accounting,

trigonometry, stamps, probably.

I'm more of a rare coins guy. Help me. Help me.

There is nothing that I like more than running for charity.

You know, last summer, I did a 50-mile bike ride for the Red Cross.

Yes, she did.

Millicent Gergich. Biking for charity

is literally one of my interests on Facebook.

Wow.

I can't believe how alike we are.

I know. It's, like, we're literally the same person.

We are having a moment.

Attention, everyone.

Welcome to Wonder Weekend's first ever public forum.

Our topic today,

should the amazing Goddesses

take pity on the once powerful Pawnee Rangers

and let them into our clearly superior organization?

Ron, your opening statement.

This forum, like all public forums, is a waste of time. Thank you.

Powerful stuff. Okay Let's open up the floor to debate.

Who... Yes, Abigail.

Isn't it like Brown versus the Board of Education?

Separate but equal is never really equal.

We should let the boys in. Hmm.

Interesting. Casey.

I disagree. I think there's a benefit

to educating the genders separately.

I see where you're coming from.

Let's hear from a Ranger. Anyone? Darren?

It's cold and dirty out here.

And you guys have candy.

I want the candy.

The Goddesses are making some well-informed statements.

But the most compelling point is from Darren about the candy.

We have amazing candy in there.

Welcome to Nirvana. The Plaza at Eagleton.

There's a reflecting pool out back.

There's an old-timey train that runs through the mall.

And three Burberrys.

If you tell your friend, "Hey, meet me at Burberrys,"

they got to specify which one.

Let's hit it.

I really want this dress, and I like this crystal beetle,

but it's expensive and there's no use for it.

Donna Meagle? Treat Yourself.

Velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle.

I'm a cashmere-velvet candy cane.

Treat Yourself.

I mean, this is insane.

Jerry? A word?

Of course.

I had an amazing lunch. I've already passed the kale salad I had.

What? But even better,

your daughter was delightful company.

Now, I don't want to put you in an awkward position, but...

You would like to date my daughter.

Yes. But you are her father, and that is a sacred thing.

I would like to spend the next two to four days with you,

so you can get to know me better.

To find out if I am the kind of person

who is good enough for your daughter.

Then, you can come with us on our first three to six dates.

Chris, I appreciate the gesture. It's very nice.

But Milly, she's a grown woman, and of course I trust her.

And I trust you.

Jerry. Thank you.

Mmm.

Boys, I'm trying to teach you something

about nature and self-reliance.

Nothing beats hard work and determination.

Is this the Pawnee Goddesses? I've got the puppies you ordered.

Oh, the puppies for the puppy party

that we're having in our cabin?

Those puppies?

What? No...

Man, did you buy anything for yourself today?

Yeah, I got this pack of socks.

- Plain white socks? - Yeah.

That's not a treat.

Donna, get me away from him...

Look, maybe this is our version of "Treat Yourself Day,"

and he needs to do his version.

What are you talking about?

Wyatt, if you could blow big money on one thing, not sock money,

what would it be?

Oh. my God! Oh. my God! Oh. my God!

This is a whole new level of nerd.

You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing?

Wait! No, no, no, no, no! I mean that in a good way, Ben.

Listen to me.

You're part of the Treat Yourself team now, okay?

If that costume somehow makes you happy you're going to buy it.

And you're going to wear it out of the store, okay?

You're going to Treat Yourself.

Yeah. You know what? I'm going to do that.

I'm going to... Yeah.

I'm going to treat myself. Thanks, you guys.

Thank you.

I really needed this.

I've got to treat myself.

Uh-oh. Batman's crying.

I am a Goddess, a glorious female warrior.

I am a Goddess, a glorious female warrior.

Queen of all that I survey.

Queen of all that I survey.

Enemies of fairness and equality, hear my womanly roar.

Enemies of fairness and equality, hear my womanly roar.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Congratulations. You are now Goddesses.

Oh, my God!

Now, have yourselves a PUPPY Party!

Oh, boy.

Hey. Can I sit down?

Look, I didn't mean for this to happen.

I have a lot of respect for the Pawnee Rangers,

even if they were jerks five years ago.

You're not a jerk. You're a good troop leader.

Not for these times, I'm not.

It's taken me awhile to see this, but these kids...

I don't understand them, and they certainly don't understand me.

That's not true.

No, it is.

And it's okay. People change.

Their interests change. It's the way of the world.

When did kids get so interested in fun?

I'm going to turn in.

You were right, by the way. Your group is better.

What's wrong? Out with it.

I was seeing a woman for a while,

and then, we stopped seeing each other

pretty recently.

That's why you've been off your game.

Sorry, dog-

You're a catch, Wyatt. You're going to be okay.

There's chicken-heads everywhere, Ben.

Chicken-heads all around this mall.

You're going to find one and you're going to be great.

But for now, why don't you let it out? Treat Yourself to a good cry.

One question, though. Yeah?

Why so serious?

Wait! I got something! Oh!

Whoa! Awesome. Nice.

Thanks, D-money.

What kind of bait did you use?

I bought this mackerel at the supermarket.

I've been standing in the water

with the fish on my hook for 30 minutes.

I saw it on an episode of I Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe.

But it feels pretty good to have

a bunch of little boys be super into me.

That came out wrong.

Ron! Come fish with us!

That's okay.

Seems like you have things under control.

Come on!

Come do that thing where you catch one with your hands.

I've seen him do it. It's incredible. Ron, come on!

We need you to help us have fun!

The first annual Leslie Knope Remote Controlled Speedboat Race!

See you Monday.

Jerry.

Where did you come from?

Listen. As I said earlier, I want to keep everything above board

in regards to my relationship with your daughter.

And as you know, Millicent and I went out last night.

And it went terrifically.

Chris, that's great. But you really don't have to do this.

Again, the date was amazing.

We had sparkling conversation

and full disclosure, she did spend the night at my house.

Have a great day, Jerry.

What are you doing here?

We're here for the club.

That was last week.

The ad says today.

What ad?

"Are you tough as nails?

"Would you rather sleep on a bed of pine needles than a mattress?

"Do you find video games pointless and shopping malls stupid?

"Do you march to the beat of your own drummer?

"Did you make the drum yourself?

"If so, you might just have what it takes to be a Swanson.

”Pawnee's most hard-core outdoor club starts today.

"Boys and girls welcome."

Swansons, are you prepared for whatever lies ahead?

Yes, sir!

Before we proceed, do any of you have any dietary restrictions?

Correct. You do not.

First outing is right now.

I will be teaching you to dig a proper trench.

Does that sound like something you want to do?

Yes, sir!

This will be no fun at all.

The lnternet's not working.

Ben!

We need your help.

Guys, I've told you how to do it.

You just unplug the router, and then, you plug it back in again.

I guess I'll do it.

It's still not working.

Well, give it a minute. God.

Okay, it's working.