All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S04E03 - Born and Raised (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

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that puts umbrella hats on
homeless people when it rains.

Welcome to Thoughts
for Your Thoughts.

I'm Derry Murbles, filling in for David
Parker, who took off for eight months

to study the migration patterns
of our nation's squirrels.

We have not
seen him since.

My guest today is
author Leslie Knope.

The book, Pawnee: The
Greatest Town in America.

I wrote a book. The first
historical guide to Pawnee.

I wrote it as
a reference for myself,

but then my
campaign advisors said

we should make it
a big, wide release.

So, we had people contribute
and we added pictures

and we removed
a lot of my poems

and emotional ramblings
and pictures of unicorns.

And here it is.

Leslie, could one say

that a book is nothing more
than a painting of words,

which are the notes
on the tapestry

of the greatest film
ever sculpted?

One could say that.

But should one?

Join us next week
when David Bianculli

will be filling in for
Richard Chang-Jefferson,

who will be
filling in for me.

Leslie, would you
like to take us out?

Okay.

Please enjoy a song from the
lesbian Afro-Norwegian funk duo,

Nefertiti's Fjord.

Oh, wow.
They are terrible.

Yes, they're quite awful,
but they are lesbians. So...

Usually, I only read nautical novels
and my own personal manifestos

but I'm proud to
make this exception.

Thank you, Ron. I expect all of
you to buy additional copies.

But I wanted the first
one that you owned

to be delivered
and signed by me.

God, this goes on
for, like, seven pages.

I started thinking
about you as a woman

and as a person,
and I got carried away.

Okay, mine just says,
"Get well soon."

Aren't you sick?

No.

Something's off.

Leslie, I loved your book.
I read it cover to cover.

Wow. I just gave it
to you an hour ago.

I'm a speed reader.

I can read over 3,000 words a
minute, with total comprehension.

One time, I read all of
Siddhartha at a traffic stop.

Pawnee's most notorious
businessman in the building.

I brought some Entertainment 720
pillowcases for your pillow.

Never Stop Dreaming.
Tom Haverford.

I never do. Chris Traeger.

Respect.
Game recognize game.

Tom, I have Pawnee
Today in an hour.

Was my book selected
for Joan's Book Club?

Joan Callamezzo
has a book club?

Joan Callamezzo started
a book club four years ago.

And now, she is the literary
taste-maker in the town.

The Time-Traveler's
Optometrist,

by Pawnee's own
Penelope Foster.

A heartwarming story
about a caveman eye doctor

who travels to
present-day Cincinnati

and can see
everything but love.

Unreadable.

Then, Joan slaps
her sticker on it.

Best-seller four
years in a row.

You told me you could get me that sticker.
Did you get it?

I'm trying, Leslie. But
Joan got an anonymous tip

that there's a factual
inaccuracy in your book.

That's impossible. I checked
every detail with the Historical Society.

Did she say what it was?

She won't tell me.

I think she wants one of
her big "gotcha" moments.

Well, she's not
going to "getch" me.

I find no inaccuracies.

Joan Callamezzo
claims there is a mistake

in my book,
which there is not,

and so now she's trying to get
me on a tiny technicality.

So, just in case there is a
mistake, which there is not,

I need all of you fact-checking
every single detail.

Jerry, I need you
to hit the road

and re-interview everyone
who lives out of town.

On it, boss.

The rest of you, call me
as soon as you find

the mistake that
does not exist.

Do you think there's
actually a mistake in here?

I doubt it. If there's one thing
Leslie's not, it's sloppy.

She's also not brief. This
is going to take forever.

It's just us, I hope.

I wish.

Hey, guys. Ready to do some
fact-checking?

Here we go.
Helping Leslie.

Okey-doke.

Hi. Joan Callamezzo.

Yeah. Hi, Ben Wyatt. We've met.

I don't think so.

Yeah, I was on your show.

Nope.

I'm trying to find the
words to describe this girl

Without being disrespectful

Getting the book into Joan's
Book Club will really help Leslie.

But it will also help my
company, Entertainment 720.

At the risk of bragging,

one of the things I'm best
at is riding coattails.

Behind every
successful man, is me,

smiling and taking
partial credit.

Now, about Leslie's book.
Am I going to be happy?

We'll see, won't we? Hmm?

Wow, you guys are
really cute together.

Ben, I'm cute together
with everybody.

Anyone find any mistakes?

Yeah, actually, in here it
says that Pawnee is great.

But in reality,
it's terrible.

Let Tom know we
haven't found anything.

Hey, I'm thinking
about getting a new phone.

Do you guys
like your phones?

I've never used
a phone in my life.

What about you, Ron?
Do you like your phone?

Mmm.

Here's my goal. I'm going
to get these two people

that I've known
for a long time

to talk to me
for five minutes.

Who am I kidding? One minute.
One minute would be amazing.

So, Leslie, you're a real
native of Pawnee, aren't you?

Yes. I was born
and raised here, Joan.

And I love the town so much, I
literally wrote the book on it.

I have it right here.

And also, in this hand right
here, I have a sticker.

Which, when applied,
legally determines

the newest selection
of Joan's Book Club.

Oh... Oh...Whoa!

Where should... Over here?

Back here?
Where is it now?

Come on. Stick it.

Ooh!

Hang on
Stick the sticker.

No, no, no. Not so fast.
Put it on.

We received a tip that you,
Leslie "Born and Raised" Knope,

were not born in Pawnee.

What?

Gotcha!

Because you lied about it, we cannot
make this a Book Club selection.

I was born in Pawnee. I'd
stake my reputation on it.

I have to tell you. This feels
like "Gotcha" journalism.

In what way?

That way. You put
"Gotcha" on my face.

After the break.

Where was Leslie Knope

actually born?
Pawnee.

We will pull out the world
map and speculate wildly.

Oh, God.
Not the "Gotcha" dancers.

That was despicable I am
horrified at her tactics.

That said, the show was very lively.

Joan "Gotcha"
Don't it hurt ya

It's pretty catchy.

Okay. Ben, Tom, you stay here. Stay on Joan.
Get that sticker.

Chris, Andy, we're going
to stay on schedule

and we're going to do
some damage control.

All right. Everybody, move.
Move, move, move!

This entire event's
under federal jurisdiction.

When Leslie's in trouble, there's
only one man for the job.

Bert Macklin, FBI.

You thought I was dead?

So did
the President's enemies.

Call if you need us. Okay.

All right, so, we don't
have to fact check anymore.

But Leslie wants us
to be on "Ready-Alert One"

just in case
something comes up.

Now, I can get
some real work done.

You know, I think
I'm just gonna

hang out here with you
guys, if that's cool.

It's not.

Great.

I could leave. I could.
But I'm not going to.

I will get my one minute
of small talk, damn it.

And it will be casual
and it will be amicable.

Did Leslie leave?

We wanted her to sign
the "Gotcha" wall.

Joanie, come on now.
What was that?

I thought we were
going to get that sticker.

Sorry, Tom. I am first and
foremost a journalist.

Let us take you
to lunch. Okay?

We'll talk about the book
and whatever else may come up.

Let me go change into something
more tantalizing. All right?

So, what, we're
taking her to lunch now?

Ben,Leslie hired my company
to get her that sticker

You're the one that told me, "Businesses
need clients to get money."

I was the first one
to tell you that?

Don't worry.
This is in the bag.

Joan's a married woman.

She wants what she can't have.
It's a game of cat and mouse.

Thank you all for coming.

Our journey begins on page one, the preface.

Oh, boy. Yes.

I think I speak on
behalf of everyone

in the entire
world when I say,

we need to know the truth about
where you were born

Okay. Well...

Leslie, let me handle this.

Does it really matter?

I mean, how many of you
were actually born in Pawnee?

Fair enough.

No matter what you heard, ma'am,
the truth is I was born here.

If you were so born here, then
where's your birth certificate?

Well, I don't carry my birth
certificate around with me.

Why? Because you're
hiding something?

You should go back
where you came from.

I am back from
where I came from.

That sentence was confusing! You
might as well be from China!

That's ridiculous.
Is it?

I'm from here.

This crowd is getting
very hostile, Ms. Knope,

I'm going to get
you out of here.

Oh, my God.
Back off!

Bye, everybody.

When I was 18,

Val Kilmer saw me at a mall
and told me I should model.

That never happened.

So, Joan, how is married
life treating you?

Your husband still know he's
the luckiest man in the world?

Santino and I are divorcing. Oh.

It's actually
quite liberating.

I'm a woman with
a strong sexual appetite.

I'm like a caged peacock yearning
for the wind on her haunches.

That's a powerful metaphor.

Maybe we can get that
book club sticker in order,

and we can work on
unlocking that peacock cage.

Things have changed, Tom. Don't
make any promises you can't keep.

I'll have another drink,

and so will this adorable
hunk of caramel to my right.

Drink up, Tom. I'm going
to go powder my nose.

Amongst other things.

If you know what I mean.

Crap.

Is she going to
powder her vagina?

You've got to
help me, man.

Why? Seems to be going
the usual amount of gross.

No, this is way different.
She's not married anymore.

She had, like, five bottles of alcohol.
She's calling me "caramel."

You've got to throw some
cold water on the situation.

Start talking
about nerd stuff.

You know, nerd culture
is mainstream now.

So, when you use the word
"nerd" derogatorily,

it means you're the one
that's out of the Zeitgeist.

Yes, that's perfect. Just like that.
Be incredibly boring.

Well, I've made
a little progress.

I'm up to four
seconds with April.

Hey, April. I was looking
to get some new music.

And I was wondering if you
could recommend anything.

The Internet.

I really like your haircut.
Where did you get it?

Prison.

How is your sister doing?
She has the shingles.

Who is your favorite character
on Sex and the City?

ALF.

And nine seconds with Ron.

You're stranded
on a desert island,

what is the one thing
that you bring with you?

Silence.

We did a flash poll.

68% of Pawneeans now believe you're
lying about where you were born.

Honesty is important
to voters.

13% think I'm crazy-eyed?
What? Why?

Whatever. I can end this now. Here
is my birth certificate. Mmm-hmm.

Well, this just
says Wamapoke County.

Yeah. That's the county
Pawnee is in.

Well, no.
This won't do it.

See, you staked your
reputation on this.

So, you need to go down to the
county records office in Eagleton

and get the original,
long-form certificate.

God, don't make me
go to Eagleton.

Eagleton is the land
of rich, snobby jerks.

There's a whole chapter
about it in my book.

I could write a second book about
Eagleton and how stupid it is.

And I'd call it, Eagleton: The
Land of Rich, Snobby Jerks

Hello, and welcome to the
Wamapoke County Records office

here in beautiful Eagleton.

My name is
Alexis Pratchett.

Take it down a notch, Alexis. I need
a copy of my birth certificate.

Oh, I'm sorry. It takes
three to eight weeks

to receive
a birth certificate.

Really?

Hi, I'm Chris.

I was wondering if you might
make an exception for me.

Oh, I'm sorry. No.

Wow. That usually works.

Oh, God. I hate
this stupid town

with all its stupid,
terrible people.

I need that
birth certificate.

Leslie, wait here.

Bert Macklin
is on the case.

Andy.
No.

Don't worry.

I can do this.

Believe in me.

That's broken.

Hold on. Leslie, real quick.
Spell your last name for me.

Let's hear it for the boys

Wow. That was as
long as it was loud.

Take me home, dumpling.

- It's beddy time.
- Uh...

Hey, Ben, you like Star Trek.
Talk about that for a little bit.

They're making a sequel.

I'm assuming with the
same alternate timeline.

But if J.J. Abrams and
company expect us to believe

that it's Spock with the romantic
tension with Uhura and not Kirk

well, let'sj ust say the
message boards are going nuts.

I want to take you both
home and...bend you over

and just...at
the same time.

Whoo!

I'm leaving.

Let's do this.

We've got to get her home.

Tom, I know your business is failing,
but this just isn't worth it.

It's not about the business anymore, man.
She's a disaster.

We've got to make sure
she gets home safe.

Whoa!

What the hell? Okay,
let's get her on the bed.

Okay. One...

Oh, my God.

Two...
Two...

Three.
Three.

Say what you will about Joan, but she
knows how to decorate a bedroom.

Wow.
Oh, my God.

Where the hell am I?

I just want to see how soft
these sheets are. One second.

Tom. No. Come on. Let's go.

Joan, we left you some water
and aspirin by the bed!

Bye!

Got it! Got it!

Nice!

I also got this dude's briefcase.
It was just laying there.

Kind of a panic move.

I believed in you.

But you should put that back.
Okay.

Okay, so,
Leslie Barbara Knope.

Born January 18
to Robert and Marlene Knope

in Eagleton, Indiana.

I'm from Eagleton.

Is it true, Mom?
Was I born in Eagleton?

Yes, it's true.

No.

Pawnee Hospital was overrun
with raccoons at the time,

so we had to go to
the next closest hospital.

No.

I'm sorry. Did you expect
me to give birth to you

in an infested,
disease-filled room?

Mom, why didn't
you tell me?

You try telling that little
girl she's not from Pawnee.

I certainly couldn't.

So you were technically
born in Eagleton. Who cares?

I care.

The people of Pawnee care.

I wrote on the cover of my book
that I was born in Pawnee.

I went on Pawnee Today,
and I called Joan a liar.

I'm the liar.
I'm worse than a liar.

I'm an...

Eagletonian.

Good morning.
ls Leslie here?

Oh, man, I am so tired I took a
half-shift at the hospital last night.

And I had this
really weird patient.

Weird how?

I probably shouldn't
talk about it.

It's one of the grossest
things I've ever seen.

Talk.

Well, this guy came in. He got his
hand stuck in a Pringles can,

and he tried to
cut himself out.

Was there a lot of blood? What
kind of blade did he use?

Three and a half inch.

Serrated.
Buckets of blood.

He passed out over his arm
and slumped onto the floor.

Did the bone show?

Very good question, April.
Answer her.

Yeah. The bone showed.

Everyone in the universe
loves a gross medical story.

Boom! l win!

And so, when I finally cleaned
up the vomit, I found the toe.

I forgot about the toe.
So did we.

Crazy, right?

That story's awesome.

Indeed. Thank you
for sharing, Jenny.

Ann was getting
a little chummy.

When people get
too chummy with me,

I like to call them
by the wrong name

to let them know I don't
really care about them.

That's a genius move.

Thank you.

You're welcome, Lester.

Oh, my God. I wonder who
else was born in Eagleton.

Voldemort, probably.

Bad news, team.

Entertainment 720 was unable to get
the sticker for Leslie's book.

The sticker is
the least of my problems.

If I come clean
about where I'm from,

then my
political career is over.

You don't have to
tell them a damned thing.

The only thing the voters need
to know about you is your name.

And even that,
I go back and forth on.

I'm sorry,
but I disagree.

Leslie, where you were born
is a piece of trivia.

Where you're from?

That's what makes you who you are.
And you are from Pawnee.

You're more Pawnee
than anyone I know.

So, I say tell
them the truth,

and trust that they're
going to respect you for it.

Damn it.
He's right. Well said.

Thanks, Ron.

You're welcome, Steve.

Joan.

Thanks so much for having
Leslie back on the program.

Well, thank you for
getting me home last night.

I wasn't feeling very well.

Because of some
bad seafood that I ate.

Yes. That's probably
what it was.

I'd like to apologize to
those that I've misled.

I thought I was
telling the truth.

But sadly,
I was born in Eagleton.

Well, that is worse than I
ever could have hoped for.

I learned something, Joan.
It's not where you're born.

It's where you're from.

When I was nine years
old, I broke my arm

sledding on that giant hill behind
Kernston's Rubber Nipple factory.

You know, Nipple Hill.
Of course.

It gets very slippery there.
I know that.

Especially when it's wet.
Yes.

And Jim, Jim Kabernick.
I know Jim.

Jim and I have gone
to school together

since we were, like,
three years old.

Yes, that's true.

Do you remember when you peed
your pants in second grade?

Why did you bring that up?
I said yes.

You stuck your underwear in your
drawer and you got real embarrassed,

and then the teacher came
over and pulled them out?

And everybody
called you "the gerbil"

because you always smelled
like soiled wood chips?

Leslie, for God's sake.
We're on TV.

The point is, you can't
choose where you were born,

but you can choose
where you live.

I love this town.
I always have.

I always will.

And that's why I
wrote a book about it.

And that's why I'm running
for City Council.

Look, I'm not crazy.

I know Pawnee isn't Paris,
or London, or Chicago.

But it's a great place
to live and work.

And serving the goofballs in this
town is an honor and a privilege.

And yes, every town claims its diner's
waffles are the best in the world.

But somewhere, in some town, there really
are the best waffles in the world.

So delicious and rich
and golden brown

that anyone who tasted them would
decide never to leave that town.

Somewhere,
those waffles exist.

Why can't it be here?

Joan put us
in her book club.

Although I could
do without this.

Leslie? Here's the thing.
I've been all over the state.

Indianapolis, Bloomington,
Lafayette, Muncie, Gary,

all the places you
mention in the book.

And I've interviewed
all the people you mentioned.

And so far, there is
not one incorrect fact.

So, now, I am going to head to
the house, say hey to Gayle,

wish my daughter a happy belated
birthday, it was yesterday

and then, I'm going
to head back out

and hit all the towns
in the southeast.

But is there anything I should know?
Any new info?

Nope.

You're doing great.
Godspeed.

Doing what I can.
Yep.

Got to go, Donna.
Can't talk.

He just seems so happy.

I didn't say anything.