All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S04E01 - Im Leslie Knope (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Excuse me.

Are you Leslie Knope?
Yes.

We are part of a group
that tries to identify

potential candidates for
political office here in town.

Are you theoretically interested
in running for office?

Absotootly, I am.

Very sorry that
I just used that word.

Before we go any further,

I need you to tell me,

is there a scandal
out there?

Is there anything at all you
need to tell us about your life?

Nope.

Who were the suits?

They want me
to run for office.

Oh, my God.
Leslie. Yay!

I know, right? Yay!

Yay! Yay!
Yay! Yay!

Wait. What does that mean
about you and Ben?

I don't know. I think it's
going to be really bad.

Uh-oh! Do you want to
go back to saying "yay"?

Yes, please. Yay!
Yay!

Knope, follow me.
Just one second.

Now.
Ron. Hey!

Whoa! Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ron. Ron, Ron, Ron.
What's going on?

My ex-wife,
Tammy, is back.

Yeah. I saw her
in the courtyard.

No, my other ex-wife, Tammy.
Tammy One.

I have accrued
228 personal days.

Starting right now,
I'm using all of them.

While I'm gone,
you're in charge.

Also, I keep a sizable supply
of ground chuck in my desk.

Remove it or it will
begin to smell.

Godspeed.

Hey, Ron.
Move.

Oh, jeez.

Warning. High levels
of swagger coming through.

Tommy Haverford back
at the Parks Department.

Entertainment 720
hockey jersey, anybody?

Branded mouse pad?

Entertainment 720
is just a little

multinational
entertainment company

that I started with
my boy Jean-Ralphio.

What exactly do we do?

Let's just say,
it's too hard to explain.

Donna, you look amazing.

How are the kids?
I don't have kids.

Wow. How long has it been?
Three weeks.

So, did you get a chance to look
at my sample position papers?

How do you feel about my stance
on Egyptian debt relief?

It probably won't come up in a
local city council election.

But your thoroughness, as
always, is impressive.

Thank you.

Now, we have three months until
you announce your campaign.

I think we should
start talking strategy.

My strategy is to win.

I have been dreaming

about running for public
office my whole life.

While other girls were
playing with Barbies,

I was playing with a Geraldine
Ferraro action figure,

that I made myself
from a picture of her

that I glued onto
a Popsicle stick.

See you next week? Okay.
I'm looking forward to it.

Hey. What?
Who was that?

Um...

Ladies. Just ladies.

Meeting for
the ladies' yacht club.

Anchors away, ladies.
What?

Just don't...

Ladies' yacht club?

I cannot believe
you haven't told him yet.

After I tell him
I'm running for office,

we're going to
have to break up.

Why can't you just
keep sneaking around?

Oh, Ann. You beautiful, naive,
sophisticated newborn baby.

What? Before, if
people found out,

we would maybe
lose our jobs.

Now, if people find out, it's
going to be a major scandal.

My campaign will be
over before it begins.

What are you
going to do?

I have a plan,
and it's really good.

I'm going to
postpone telling him

until you figure out what I'm supposed to do.

So, get cracking.

How is this on me?

Oh, fine. I'll do it. God,
who keeps emailing me?

A penis.
What?

Oh, my God.

Oh.

It's emailing me, too.

Whoever this is
sent it to every woman

in the entire government.

Oh, my God.

He's got to be
so embarrassed.

I mean, that's
a crazy accident.

No, Andy, he did it on purpose.

You know what? Respect.
That's a baller move.

Pun intended.
Excuse me.

Chris, Jerry's making us look at
dirty pictures on his computer.

It is exactly because of that
lewd photo that I am here.

Ben and I are launching
a full investigation.

I want to apologize
to all the women and Jerry.

If I could go back in time
and cut your eyeballs out,

I would.

Wow, that is
so sweet.

Thank you.

We are getting a lot of
media requests about this.

So, Leslie, can you
do Perd Hapley?

Oh! She can do Perd Hapley.

Seriously.
Can you do his TV show?

Oh, yeah.

Andrew, my mandrew,
what you up to?

I'm about to do an experiment
where I huck this at the wall

and see what happens.

But that can wait.
Shoe shine?

Andy, I'm going to be honest. I
came here today to talk to you.

Now, look. You're enthusiastic.
You're hard-working.

You can lift heavy things.

I think there might be a place for
you over at Entertainment 720.

Oh, my God.
What is that?

My Company.

Oh, I don't know, Tom.
I'm just now

getting really good
at shoe shining.

And, I'm still
pretty bad at it.

Let me ask you this.
Are you living your dreams?

I don't know, Tom.

I'm living mine.

And if you
want to live yours,

here's my card.

It's impossible to read.

Black print,
black background.

It's the coolest possible
color scheme. Yeah.

It's also a strong magnet,
so keep it out of your wallet.

It will destroy your credit cards.
Guaranteed.

Destroy my credit cards.

Debt and everything?

Mr. Mayor,

I promise you that we will
find the owner of that wiener,

and we will punish him.
Goodbye.

Ann Perkins.
Hey.

I didn't know who to come to
with this, but that picture...

There's something very
disturbing about the testicles.

I've always felt
the same way myself.

The testicles are like the
ears of the genital system.

They serve a very
important function,

but they're not
that great to look at.

Okay. Wow! No, I was
speaking medically.

They're enlarged.

I think that maybe that guy
is sick with something.

Perhaps a hernia or mumps.

Ann Perkins. You really
know your testes.

Thank you?

For a female perspective on this
scandal, we turn to a woman.

Leslie Knope,
I'm about to ask you

a question right now
and that question is this.

The lewd photo.
Just how big a deal is it?

Well, frankly, Perd,
it's not that big a deal,

if you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean, but
it had the cadence of a joke.

When men in government
behave this way,

they betray
the public's trust.

Maybe it's time for more
women to be in charge.

There you have it,
where “it” is the thing

Leslie Knope just said
about this situation.

Perd Hap...

How was that?
Was that okay?

Amazing.
That sound bite is gold.

You're going to get
great feedback on this,

and we think
we can capitalize.

You're going to announce
your candidacy on Friday.

Friday. In three months.

No, this Friday.
Is that okay?

No. Yeah. Yes, it is.
Great. Okay.

We'll do that,
then, now. Soon.

And I just have something I've been
postponing for a while that I need to do,

but I'll do it now.

Great.
Great.

Yay!

I know it.

Ben.

Ben, I need to talk to you.

That was my brother.
He just had a baby girl.

Oh, my God. That's horrible.
Or good.

Full disclosure, I didn't
listen to what you just said.

I need to talk to you
about something.

Okay, well, before
you say anything,

let me just show you what
I got at Doug's Donuts.

It's an L-shaped éclair.

The "L" is for Leslie,
for your name.

Hey. How are you?

Bad. Really bad.

Oh, God.
How did the breakup go?

Well, I started crying
because he gave me an eclair.

And then we made out
and spent the night together.

But this morning,
in the cold light of day,

I cooked breakfast
and we made out some more.

Wow! You opposite
of broke up with him.

He gave me
an éclair, Ann.

Joe, I've determined that the
lewd picture was sent by you,

because you sent it from
your personal email address,

stinkmaster69@alumni.
sarahlawrencecollege.edu.

Really? Sarah Lawrence?

Yeah. I wanted
a small college experience.

You also bragged about it
to many of your co-workers.

There's an old
sewage department saying,

"if you've got a nice drain pipe,
there's no reason to hide it

I doubt that's a saying.

We are terminating you,
effective immediately.

- Is this because you're jealous?
- No.

It's because
you broke the law.

The law of having
an amazing package.

Before we have him forcibly
removed, you should know this.

That one of our
female employees,

a nurse, examined
the photo you sent her.

I bet she did.

And you have the mumps. You
might want to get that checked.

Sweet. Someone's got
mumps on his lumps.

UP high. Anyone?

Ron isn't here.

His ex-wife, Tammy, came, and
he got scared and ran away.

Well, as acting
manager of the Parks Department,

I declare that everything
you are saying is stupid.

Hah!

I love you.

Hey, so, Tom
offered me a job again.

As my manager, what do
you think I should do?

What do you want to do?

I think it'd be kind of
cool to work for Tom.

So, take it.
But,

working at a start-up
can be kind of risky.

So, don't take it.

But Tom told me to
follow my dreams.

So, take it.

But this isn't my dream.

So, don't take it.

I don't know what to do.
Me, neither.

You give such good advice.
Babe, I love you.

You're welcome.

Ann Perkins.
Hey.

Did you maybe tell people
that I diagnosed that guy

with mumps based
on his porn photo?

I did. I was
so proud of you.

Okay. Because now
I have everyone

in City Hall sending me
pictures of their junk,

asking me if
they have mumps.

Oh, my God.

Your inbox is literally
filled with penises. Mmm-hmm.

I am so sorry.

Oh, look.
Ed Miller from Payroll.

Before I do this,
is there any possible way

that we could
still keep dating?

We've
attacked this from all angles.

Either you don't
run for office...

Which is out
of the question.

...or you break up with him and avoid a
potential scandal.

Do you need to get that?
No, it's just penises.

Leslie, I don't want you
to break up with him either.

There's just no other way.
Yeah.

Just be direct and honest.

Okay.
Okay? Mmm.

It's the entire Sanitation
Department, from Muncie. Ugh!

Would you like
any wine to start?

Yes. And I'm going to be
direct and honest with you.

I would like
a glass of red wine,

and I'll take
the cheapest one you have

because I can't
tell the difference.

I'll have the same.
Great.

Okay.

Here's the deal.
Okay.

I really, really like you.

I like you, too. And I think I
know what you're going to say.

I highly doubt that.

I think I do.

Oh, I don't.

And I got you something.

No. What is this?

Is this jewelry?
It's not. Just open it.

No.
Great.

I need to go
to another place.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.
The whiz palace,

as we like
to call it here.

And I'm going to be back,
and I'm not going to split.

I'm here for you. Because we
need to talk about stuff.

Okay?
All right.

What...

No.

Ron.

What are you doing here?

Running away
from my problems.

Come on in.

Okay. So, here's what's going on.
I didn't ask.

On Friday,
I'm supposed to announce

that I'm running
for City Council.

And I haven't
told Ben yet.

I know I said that we broke
up, but we couldn't.

We're still dating. But now, I have
to break up with him for real.

But I don't want
to break up with him

because he's so cute
and he's so nice...

If you're going to stay here, there
are three rules you need to follow.

One, no talk
about Tammy One.

Two, no talk about Ben.

Three, no talk.

I didn't even
ask you last night.

What is going on
with Tammy One?

You just violated
rules number one and three.

You lose your coffee privileges.
Oh.

You choose, Knope.
Hunting, fishing or drinking?

I'd really love to
shoot a gun right now.

Fishing it is.

And so,
effective immediately,

all male employees must stop sending
explicit photos to Ms. Perkins.

If I may, what if based
on empirical evidence,

I truly believe there is a grave
and immediate medical emergency?

Were that the case, could
I then show you my dong?

No.

That would be harassment.
Fair enough.

Now, completely
different scenario.

Let's say,
I've been watching

a lot of women's golf
and I've had some wine.

How about this?

I'm going to get a male doctor to
come in and do some screenings.

Perfect. Just as a backup,
I'm sending you some photos.

That will not be necessary.
That's me.

Brand new day,
brand new merch.

I got you guys some awesome
Entertainment 720 stuff.

Donna, this is for you.

Entertainment 720 umbrella.

Entertainment 720 flyswatters.

Rubik's Cube
with my face on it.

Breath mints.

Fireplace bellows.

And drum roll, please.

Drum roll
sound effect key chain.

Shouldn't you be working
at your new company, Tom?

I am working, April. I'm making
high-level network contacts.

You think Bethenny Frankel
sits behind a desk all day?

She makes $100 million a year.
How much do you make a year?

$101 million.

I, for one,
am happy to see Tom.

Thanks, Jerry. Here. Have an
umbrella and some breath strips.

Whoa!

All right, enough
chit-chat, everyone.

Please get back to work.
You're not our boss.

What did you
just say to me?

Ma'am.

So, did you get a chance
to think about my offer?

Yeah. I've been thinking a
lot about what you said.

I want to do my dreams, but I just
don't think my dream is working

for a company that
puts logos on stuff.

That's not what my company does.
Although, maybe we'll start.

Hey. What you think?

Donna, that looks great.

I could do
without this one.

So, running for office.

Now, I'm going to have to
find a replacement for you.

Hah! I might not win.

I might not run
You'll win.

You should.

What's our plan here, Knope?

I figure we build a fire, roast the
fish we shot, and make s'mores.

I don't have the
material for s'mores.

I do. I always carry emergency
s'more rations in my car.

Given your hunting abilities
and my chocolate supply,

I figure we could stay up
here for two, three years?

You know,
when I was 12,

my brother shot me in the
pinky toe with a nail gun.

Granted, it was a hilarious prank,
and we all had a good laugh.

That's awful.

But I avoided
going to the doctor.

I hate paperwork.

After a few weeks, the toe
just kind of fell off.

You only have nine toes?

I have the toes I have.

Let's just
leave it at that.

The point is, the doctor said
if I had come in right away,

they might have
saved the toe.

You can't run away
from your problems.

Especially if you only have nine toes.

Sorry.
That was uncalled for.

I'm Ron Swanson,
and you're Leslie...Knope.

You with me?

What is your dream?

It's to be the biggest rock
star on the planet, obviously.

But that could take another three to five years.
Don't get me wrong.

Shoe shining has been
a pretty wild ride,

but is it possible there's
something more out there for me?

Andy, there's tons
of stuff you can do.

I'll help you
figure it out.

Really?

Yes. One year from now,
you, Andy Dwyer,

will no longer
be a shoe-shinist.

Kyle, beat it. I'm going to
make out with my wife now.

But you've only done
half of one of my shoes.

Here.

Now, I haven't done anything.
Scram, kid.

Hello.

Hey, Ron. Welcome...
Stop.

First order of business.

I promised Leslie I'd
hire her a new assistant,

so the department doesn't
completely shut down

while she runs for office.

You're running for office?

Yeah. City Council.

Leslie, that is great.
Thank you.

Will you pledge right now
not to raise taxes?

I think that's premature.

No pledge, no vote.

The point is,
she needs an assistant.

Start asking around.
Hire Andy.

Andy can do it.

Sure. Yeah.

Done. Andy, you are
now Leslie's assistant.

Honey.

Oh.

Leslie, I'm going to work my ass off for you.
I'll do anything you ask me.

I will prove myself. You
don't even have to pay me.

No. Honey. No.
I will...

Tomorrow, there will be a
300-page orientation booklet,

as well as a dozen homemade cookies
in the shape of your face.

But today...

There is something else
I have to do.

If any of you need
anything at all, too bad.

Deal with your problems
yourselves, like adults.

I'll be in my office,
waiting for Tammy One.

You want me to find her?

There's no need.
She'll find me.

She has the tracking ability
and body odor of a bloodhound.

Okay. So, now, you're sure
that everything is okay, down there.

You're perfectly healthy.

That man has the largest
penis I have ever seen.

I actually don't even know if he has mumps.
I forgot to look.

I was distracted, by the largest
penis I have ever seen.

I know I've been acting
really weird lately.

And, I really like you.

What I'm about to say
is going to contradict

the idea that
I really like you,

but that won't change... I know.
So, just open the box.

Please stop bringing
out the box.

Okay?
Leslie...

You're being really nice.
And what I'm about to say

is going to
make you hate me.

Okay. Then, I'll just
open the box for you.

Wow.

You knew?

I figured it out
awhile ago.

I'm sorry. I should have told
you I knew, but I just...

I wanted this to last
as long as possible.

We have to break up.

Why?

Why do we
have to break up?

Leslie, everything you've
accomplished,

you have earned and
you have worked for.

I don't want anyone to think
that you got where you are today

by sleeping
with your boss.

But I really like
sleeping with my boss.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, look. I'm going to make
this really easy for you.

It's not you, it's me.

I'm not ready
for a commitment.

I just don't
like you anymore.

I know it's
hard to hear that, but

You're boring. And,
frankly, you disgust me.

Ugh!

How did you
figure it out?

Leslie, there was a dude
in the ladies' yacht club.

Yeah, but I covered
that pretty well.

Also, you've been making
campaign speeches in your sleep.

Granted, you always do that, but
they got really specific and moving.

Did I have
a good opening line?

It was simple,
but I liked it.

Friends, honored
guests, Pawneeans.

I am Leslie Knope, and I am
running for City Council.

Hello, Tammy.

Ronald.

That's enough small talk.
What do you want?

You remember what I do
for a living, I trust.

Yes. You ruin
people's lives.

You're being audited, Ronald.

I don't care.

Then why is your
mustache trembling?

I'm here as a friend.

Call it nostalgia.

Or, perhaps, guilt for all the times I
tried to smother you in your sleep.

I don't need your help.

Wrong. You do.

As you're so fond of saying,
it's a free country.

Good luck.

I hope you don't go to jail.

Sit up straight. You're not
doing your breasts any favors.

Thank you.

Honey, your breasts
look amazing.