Original subtitles

This is it for certain, okay? I create a game show.

Two people on stage, right? They flip a coin.

One of them has to perform open-heart surgery.

The other one has to receive open-heart surgery.

We call it Open-Heart Surgery.

How about this? You buy a Gulfstream G-IV jet.

Already interested. Take the wheels off.

Get 'em off of there. Turn the jet into an apartment building.

People could live inside their own private jet.

We're currently coming up with business ideas for Jean-Ralphio

'cause as of today, his bank account is blowing up.

I made my money the old-fashioned way.

I got run over by a Lexus

I still can't believe you won all that money in the lawsuit.

You barely got hurt at all.

Do you want to get run over? Because I know a guy.

Super gentle. Minor scrapes and bruises, major dollars and cents.

I got it. What are you amazing at?

I know it. We both know it, let's just say it at the same time.

Creating spectacles. ...spectacles.

No, I got it. You create Pawnee's first and only

high-end, all-media entertainment conglomerate.

Absolutely. That's absolutely what I have to do.

What does it mean?

It means audio, video,

movies, 3-D movies, nightclubs... Yeah.

...iPhone apps. If it's entertainment, you're involved.

Yes, of course I am.

And you call it...

Entertainment 7Twenty.

No!

Why? Why?

You gotta stop screaming.

I will, I just get excited. Why do we call it Entertainment 7Twenty?

'Cause you're willing to go around the world twice

for your clients.

That is unbelievable!

But listen to me, listen to me.

I'm gonna need you on my team to pull this off, all right?

I can't do this without you.

I don't know, man. I can't. I'd have to quit my job.

Okay, I'll do it without you.

I have some very important news

about our favorite mini-horse, Li'I Sebastian.

Yay! Li'I Sebastian!

He died last night.

No.

But we can take comfort in the fact that he is in heaven now,

doing the two things he loves doing the most.

Eating carrots and urinating freely.

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half-mast,

I thought, " All right.

"Another bureaucrat ate it."

But then I found out it was Li'I Sebastian.

Half-mast is too high.

Show some damned respect.

Because of all he's done for the town,

we are gonna be holding a small memorial service for him.

But for now,

I think we should bow our heads in a moment of silence.

I got it, thank you.

It's times like this, when someone, or some horse, passes,

that you really take stock of your life.

You look around you, and you start to realize

what it is that you truly care about.

For Li'I Sebastian, I imagine it was

good fresh oats, a trough of water,

and a willing sexual partner. Or non-willing.

He was a horse, so I think they had to do it either way.

Hey...

Hey, Ann, how's it going?

You don't have to pretend. I know you're supposed to meet Leslie here.

But I'm also curious about how it's going.

Mmm-hmm. Leslie's busy, she's working on

the Li'I Sebastian memorial service.

But you know what? She did give me this note to give to you,

and she also wanted me to kiss you deeply,

which I'm going to have to pass on. Okay.

I really like my new part-time job here.

My office mate moved down the hall

so I have this whole room just for me.

And Ben and Leslie, who secretly meet here...

...forty times a day.

She drew a kiss monster

on the note.

Yeah.

Look, you guys are totally welcome to use my office,

just don't do anything on my desk.

Oh, we don't... You know.

We just like to work in the same place,

and then we talk and hold hands.

Yuck, that's somehow worse.

Yeah, it sounded bad when I said it.

From now on, we stop mourning Li'I Sebastian's death,

and we start celebrating his life.

That's what he would have wanted. - Amen.

We need to send that glorious beast into the great beyond

with a display that rivals the Super Bowl half-time show.

Also, the budget is $600.

So maintenance is gonna set up the stage.

Ron will be laying the ceremonial wreath.

Leslie, there's a 13th century Italian poem by Dante Alighieri

that would be very appropriate.

Oh, Jerry, that sounds wonderful.

Okay, Andy, I need you to write a memorial song.

Something like Candle in the Wind, but 5,000 times better.

Easy. Hey, if you want a song from Andy Dwyer,

lead singer of Mouse Rat, you should know

he doesn't get out of bed for less than $1,000.

Well, he sleeps on a futon, so we can give him 50 bucks.

Sold.

Okay, here is a memo with some facts about Li'I Sebastian.

I think you'll find yours particularly interesting.

It's just a list of facts. What?

Okay, mine says, "You have a cute butt."

That's weird. Must be a typo.

Yeah, Jerry, it's probably a typo,

because it probably should've said, "You have a cube butt."

'Cause your butt's shaped like a cube.

Yeah.

The question is, why is my memo different than everyone else's?

Cube butt, cube butt.

Cube butt, cube butt.

Well, the good news is this is just tendonitis.

How is that good news?

The other option was shoulder cancer.

Really? No.

Look, you exercise a lot. You're in great shape.

Little things like this happen with men of your age.

Men of my age?

How old do you think I am?

Forty-two.

I am 44, and I plan to live to be 150.

Okay.

So. What's the cure?

Get a time machine. Go back to being 20.

Dr. Harris, you are literally the meanest person I have ever met.

Okay, all the permits cleared for the horse funeral.

What was that tone? What?

Oh, nothing.

I'm very sad about this.

Question! Who's a genius?

Answer, Tom Haverford.

Reason, Jean-Ralphio just started

an exclusive, high-end production company,

and he's willing to put on Li'I Sebastian's memorial service

pro bono, just for the pub.

Pub is an abbreviation for publicity.

Jean-Ralphio is a clown.

This is the memorial for Li'I Sebastian,

not double-coupon night at a strip club.

First off, double-coupon night is an incredible value.

Secondly, this guy just started a business.

He's my friend. It would really help him out.

Plus, I'm gonna oversee everything and make sure it goes great.

Okay, Tom, we trust you.

Make us proud.

Make him proud.

Why don't you just Photoshop that out?

Hi, Ann Perkins. Hi.

How are you? I'm dying.

What?

Tendonitis. Oh.

I don't know if you should lead with "I'm dying."

You're right, you're right. So.

What's up with you?

I'm just helping Leslie plan Li'I Sebastian's memorial service.

Li'I Sebastian died? That's terrible.

Yeah, well, he was old, and he had a lot of ailments.

Like tendonitis?

I don't know.

I don't have his chart in front of me.

Could you get it?

What? No... There's no chart.

Oh, my God.

Death is inescapable.

Goodbye, Ann Perkins.

Okay, so I'm meeting him in a few minutes. How do I look?

What are you going for?

Sophisticated with a hint of slutty.

Bulls-eye.

So nice to see you so happy about a guy.

Thanks. I don't know. When I look at my life right now,

it feels almost perfect.

I mean, we have to sneak around,

but weirdly, it's kind of fun that nobody knows.

I could see that.

Enough about me. How's Ann?

I'm pretty happy right now, generally.

Although I did see Chris today. He always just throws me off.

I don't want to talk about Chris. Every time I hear his name,

I think about the fact that he's gonna find out about me and Ben,

and he's gonna fire both of us.

And about how much he hurt you.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah.

Hello, Leslie.

How long have you been sleeping with Ben?

What?

How long have you been sleeping with Ben?

That's disgusting and wrong.

I don't even get... Why would... I...

I've never had sex with anyone anywhere.

It's none of your...

You have the nerve, the audacity...

Ben is my boss, technically.

And he is terrible, facewise.

And how... How do I know, frankly,

that you're not sleeping with him?

Maybe you are. Maybe you're trying to throw me off.

Hmm. Check and mate.

This is an outrage! Who do I call?

Hey, hey. Hey, hey.

Hey, Ron. Listen, you're just who I was looking for.

Are you... Did you forget the...

Did you... Can I get that thing?

Can we just...

Did you bring it?

This isn't convincing.

How did you find out?

We've worked together for a while now.

I'd like to think I know you pretty well.

Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.

Okay, okay. And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.

Whoa. Eleanor likes the tongue.

Hey, show me Pelosi again.

Okay, lay down.

Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Unfortunately not.

This is a scandal waiting to happen.

If you get caught, which you clearly will,

Chris will fire you.

And I won't be able to stop him.

Ron, we're being very careful.

Oh, President Reagan, my blazer popped open.

Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride to this summit meeting.

Our countries have had a very... Okay.

Yes. ...special relationship...

Oh, no!

You've proven your point.

In my heart, I'm sad you had to die.

Li'I horse, spread your wings and learn to fly.

Horses don't fly.

That's why I'm telling him,

"learn to fly."

Come on, help me. There's a lot riding on this.

This is what Li'I Sebastian's gonna listen to in horsey heaven.

Okay, let me hear your favorite one so far.

You're a champion little horse

And you're dead

You're the champion of death

You're the champion of death

Maybe try to do one

without the word "dead" so much.

Or "death" or "you're dead."

See? You're helping me already.

So the only people that know are my mom, Ann, and Ron.

And they're not gonna say anything.

Right. Just no more fooling around at work.

Okay, yeah. We can't.

Well, I mean, you know, a situation could arise

where you do something good,

and I congratulate you.

Like, with a professional hug.

You know, kind of like this,

"Oh, congratulations."

That feels appropriate. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I think we can get away with that

as long as we don't do stuff like this.

Hey, lovebirds.

What do I do with this?

You can just leave it there. Okay.

So my mom, Ron, Ann, and that guy.

For the memorial ribbons?

No doubt. Which one floats your penis?

They're all black.

Maybe to the layman, Jerry.

Obsidian, onyx, midnight, lost soul, rolling blackout,

sleeping panther, and void by Armani.

Hey, Jerry, does this look black to you, too?

Ann.

So glad I found you.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Um, okay.

I need to ask you a question,

and if you're uncomfortable answering it right now,

you can take some time and think about it. That would be okay.

Okay.

Is tendonitis symptomatic of something larger?

Really, that's the question you wanted to ask me?

I'm just very worried.

I'm not sure that this doctor's been properly trained.

You know what, Chris? I'm sorry, but I'm not your nurse,

and I'm not your girlfriend and...

I thought I was twice, and I was wrong,

which was embarrassing.

I'm just not ready to be your friend.

Of course. I'm sorry.

I do hope we can be friends before I die.

Hi, friend. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

What you saw was not what you think it is.

I was just congratulating her because she got some good news.

Oh, right. Yeah.

We were both kind of up for this thing, this really...

I won the MacArthur Genius Grant.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so that's what the hug was all about.

Sure. Congratulations.

Thank you. Hey, you know what?

We'll cover your duties here.

You should just take the rest of the day off.

Oh, that's a good idea. You should do that

and you should get a massage.

I have a gift certificate, actually. My mom gave it to me for you.

Oh, my God. Yes!

That's so nice.

Okay. Well, thanks.

Thank you. And thank you for your discretion.

You got it.

It was great to see you, George. Yes.

Welcome, everyone.

Sebastian may have been li'I,

but his impact on this town and the Parks Department

was anything but li'I.

I would like to introduce his owners, Michael and Elizabeth Stone

and two of his closest friends.

Cue music and lights, and...

Go Ladybug, go Coconut.

Coconut and Ladybug both in position.

Not only was Coconut a friend,

but she was also a lover.

Our deepest sympathy is with you.

Coconut just took a dump on the stage. We gotta clean that up.

Code red. Coconut just took a dump onstage.

Hey, Leslie.

The maintenance guy bailed on us. No one knows where he is.

He had the fuel for the eternal flame.

No way. That guy left? What a...

Okay. Start the video presentation.

I'll deal with it. All right.

Jerry, I need you to go get some propane.

No, what about my poem?

No one wants you to read a poem, okay, Jerry?

What everyone wants,

what Li'I Sebastian wants,

is for you to get propane.

Fine. I'll do it for Li'I Sebastian.

Now we have a special presentation,

courtesy of the folks at Entertainment 7Twenty.

Hope you brought a change of clothes.

'Cause your eyes are about to piss tears.

You nasty.

Who are we?

Where are we going in life?

What is the meaning of all of this?

These are questions Li'I Sebastian never had to answer

because he was a horse.

Instead, he just brought us joy and happiness.

And isn't that the point?

You gotta join the company. I'm the bank. You're the money.

I know, J, but it'd be a big leap.

And I will take that leap with you.

I'm Thelma, you're Louise.

You can't die full of regret.

Why don't you live your life like that cow from the video?

He was a horse. Yeah.

Because he followed his dreams.

There was no obstacle too large.

No mountain too high.

No valley too low.

Li'l Sebastian had a long life, filled with wonder.

Good night, Li'l Sebastian.

Forever.

We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise.

All the proceeds will go towards Li'I Sebastian's favorite charity,

the Afghan Institute of Learning.

Next, we have a special musical tribute

by Mr. Andy Dwyer.

What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind?

This song is called 5,000 Candles in the Wind.

Up in horsey heaven

Here's the thing

You trade your legs for angel's wings

And once we've all said goodbye

You take a running leap and you learn to fly

Bye-bye, Li'I Sebastian

I miss you in the saddest fashion

Bye-bye, Li'I Sebastian

You're 5,000 candles in the wind

Hey,

why is Perd Hapley unveiling the memorial stone?

Because Joe from sewage had to hand out the armbands,

and Perd had to fill in for Mortenson,

and Mortenson had to fill in for Howser.

Okay, well, why couldn't Donna do it?

Because Donna's reading Jerry's Italian poem.

This is sort of a mess.

No, it's okay, we're...

What the hell, Leslie?

I thought I was supposed to lay the ceremonial wreath.

Why is Councilman Howser doing it?

Because you are doing

something better.

You are lighting the memorial flame,

which is the greatest honor of all.

Oh, my God. Ron, congratulations.

I saved it for you, Ron.

Who caught you guys?

A very nosy maintenance worker,

and we talked to him, and now we're all friends,

and he's not gonna tell on us. It's totally fine.

I think if you would know one thing about me,

it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.

I have cried twice in my life.

Once when I was seven,

and I was hit by a school bus.

And then again when I heard that Li'I Sebastian had passed.

His memory will live on,

as today we light a fire

that will burn on for eternity.

Okay, deep breath. I think we got through it.

Thank God. Yeah.

Hey, Jerry, you put propane in the eternal flame, right?

No, they were out.

So I just got a big thing of lighter fluid. It's kind of the same thing.

Huh? Oh!

We planned that! Wow, wow!

We planned that.

Yay!

Please, Ron, I am very sorry.

I guess I put too much fuel in the torch.

Oh, I don't know, Jerry. I think you're being hard on yourself.

Ron, are you mad at me? 'Cause without eyebrows, I can't really tell.

Ron Swanson loves his facial hair.

And we burned it off.

This thing that we're doing, it's unsustainable.

What, you want to break up?

What? No. I like you.

Well, then...

You want to tell Chris.

What? No. I like my job.

Well, then, what do we do?

Okay, operation shutdown.

No more secret hand-holding.

No more smooching in Ann's office.

In fact, when we're at work, we just shouldn't talk to each other at all.

Okay, well, that's gonna be really hard, and we could still get fired.

I know. But it's worth the risk if I can be with you.

All right.

Well, then, I'm in.

What are you doing? Are you kidding me?

I'm sorry. No, it's force of habit.

So what do I do, Ron?

Do I stay here or roll the dice with Jean-Ralphio?

I can't tell you what to do. Go with your gut.

My gut's really small. It's easily irritated. I need someone to guide me.

You have no interest in government work,

and you slow everything down with your selfish attitude.

I'd love for you to stick around, Tommy.

It'll be damn hard to replace you.

But I'll support you either way.

Two of my lovers in one place. What a coincidence.

Tammy.

Hello, Ron.

Ooh, what happened here?

And more importantly, does the carpet match the face?

If you're looking for trouble, take it somewhere else.

An hour ago, a giant fireball consumed my entire face.

And it was far preferable to spending another second with you.

Tell that to your pants-tent.

It's just the way I'm standing.

Go back to the library, where you belong.

Hey, Glenn.

Wanna dance?

No, I'm okay.

Just one dance?

No. With mommy?

You know, tendonitis is usually caused by overuse.

Have you been working out more than usual?

I did do 10,000 push-ups last week.

Oh, really. That might have something to do with it.

You need to relax. You're in great shape.

For a 44-year-old.

Yeah. That's how old you are, man.

You're right. I've been overreacting.

I don't like thinking about death.

Death is the opposite of...

Being alive?

Exactly.

Look at us.

Talking like friends.

Yeah.

What the hell. Friends.

Ann Perkins.

Chris Traeger.

What's the point in doing 10,000 push-ups if you're gonna do them alone?

I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a wonderful woman.

Sitting on my back to increase my resistance.

Copy of our new hit single, 5,000 Candles in the Wind,

and the new full-length CD, The Awesome Album.

Eighteen bucks each, $40 for the set.

That doesn't add up.

You don't add up.

Okay.

Honey, you are awesome at this.

Thanks.

April, I need to ask you something,

and it's the biggest thing I've ever asked anybody in my entire life.

Honey, we're already married.

No, this is way more important than that.

April Ludgate,

would you be my manager?

Seriously?

Okay. Yeah.

Excuse me.

Are you Leslie Knope? Yes.

My name is William Barnes.

Do you have a minute to talk?

Sure.

We really enjoyed the service.

That fireball was truly amazing.

I'm glad. 'Cause it was planned.

And you were also responsible for the Harvest Festival, correct?

Well, a lot of people contributed to that.

You don't have to be modest. We know it was you.

You did an amazing job.

Thank you.

We are part of a group that tries to identify

potential candidates for political office here in town.

And we think that you might fit the bill.

Oh.

Wow.

Which office in particular?

Well, there are a couple city council seats we think are vulnerable.

And the mayor's term is up next year.

All we need to know right now is

are you theoretically interested in running for office?

Absotootly, I am.

Very sorry that I just used that word.

But yes. I just...

I've dreamed about this moment for a long time.

Guess I'll be heading home.

Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?

Actually, I prefer the number 69 train

to Humpsville station.

Red alert, Swanson.

Your ex-wife is back.

No kidding, Donna.

Not her. The other ex-wife.

Tammy One.

She's in your office.

Would I have to quit my job?

Well, that's a long way off.

Of course. But listen.

When you run, even in a local election,

your life becomes an open book.

So if you so much as stiff a waiter on his tip

or use a government stamp for personal mail, it will come out.

So before we go any further,

I need you to tell me,

is there a scandal out there?

Is there anything at all you need to tell us about your life?

Nope.

All right.

Well, we'll be in touch.

Yeah, I think we can do that for a million.

Okay, we'll talk soon.

There was no one on the other end of that phone call,

but soon there will be.

Welcome to the Dreamatorium,

A.K.A. the headquarters of Entertainment 7Twenty.

It's only two blocks away from City Hall,

but it's a whole new world over here.

We got a pool table, a ping-pong table, a lounge area,

a couch with a ceiling on it,

in-house DJ. DJ Blunt.

And best of all,

former NBA superstar Detlef Schrempf is on retainer.

What's up, Detlef?

Hey, Jean-Ralphio, who's sitting in my clear purple desk?

What?

Who's this person?

Are you talking about this little sweetie right here?

Yeah. That is our new assistant, Tessa.

I saw her sweating real sexy on the StairMaster at Bally's.

I need petty cash. My iPhone cover's gross and I need to get a new one.

Get it to match your personality.

Petty cash, money bowl. Go diving.

Gross.

Why do we keep our petty cash in a clear plastic toilet bowl?

I don't know, maybe 'cause we're...

Flush with cash

So, Tom, what does this business do, again?

It's a multimedia entertainment production conglomerate.

I don't know, man. You have a lot of overhead here.

Ever thought about scaling back a bit

and focusing on building your client base?

Thanks a lot, Forbes magazine.

But we didn't hire you to give us business advice.

We hired you to look pretty and shoot baskets.

So why don't you head over there and do your thing?

We want people to see you when they come in, Detlef.

We may not have any clients yet, but we're about to blow up.

First you set up the pond, then you reel in the fish.

Big D, hit me!

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Come on.

We're living the dream.