All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S03E13 - The Fight (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

So, who broke it?

I'm not mad,
I just want to know.

I did. I broke it, Ron.
No. No, you didn't.

Tom?
Don't look at me.

Look at Ben.

What? I didn't break it.

Huh. That's weird.
How'd you even know it was broken?

Because it's sitting right in
front of us and it's broken.

Suspicious.
No, it's not.

If it matters...
Probably not.

...but April was
the last one to use it.

Liar! I don't even
drink that crap.

Oh, really? Then what were you
doing by the coffee cart earlier?

I use the wooden stirrers
to push back my cuticles.

Everyone knows that, Jerry.

Okay, let's not fight. I broke it.
Let me pay for it, Ron.

No. Who broke it?

Ron, Donna's been
awfully quiet.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Oh, my God!

I broke it. It burned my hand,
so I punched it.

I predict ten
minutes from now,

they'll be at
each other's throats

with war paint on their faces
and a pig head on a stick.

Good. It was getting a
little chummy around here.

I need you guys to come to
the Snakehole Lounge tonight

to help me with something.
- Yeah, no, tonight's not good.

No can do.
I'm on a cleanse.

Please. This is important.

I'm launching my new high-end,
Kahlua-style liqueur,

Snake Juice.

Sounds like you took a snake
and twisted it like a rag

until its blood
and guts came out.

What does
Kahlua-style mean?

I mix a bunch of
alcohol together,

I add some sugar and coffee
and some other junk,

and it kind of
tastes like Kahlua.

I can only drink warm tap
water with cayenne pepper.

Fine. Then don't drink it.
Just get other people to drink it, okay?

Meeting in one hour.

If you don't make it,
you're on my Done-zo list.

Oh, what's
a"Done-zo list"?

It means you and I
are done-zo.

Hanging out, getting
food together, done-zo.

You want to come over to my house
and play video games? Done-zo.

Hey, Tom, you want to come
play Putt-Putt with me?

No, we're done-zo.

Babe, we got to
make that meeting.

I'm so glad we
found the time to talk.

It feels like
it's been forever.

I know. I've been so
busy at the hospital.

Long hours, overnight shifts...
I'm getting sick of it.

All right, let's start with the
personal stuff. How's Jessie?

Who?
The photographer guy.

Oh, yeah. We broke up.
I didn't tell you that?

Mmm-mmm.

Why? I liked him.
Yeah, I did, too.

I just... I couldn't
deal with his face.

Huh.

Do you think I could get that
book back that I loaned him?

Well, I'm technically
out of the country.

So I would have to call him
from a weird number.

Sorry.
Never mind.

But I'm seeing
this new guy, Mattias.

You would love him.
He's a triple Pisces.

Oh-oh. Looks like someone's
gonna be late for her meeting.

Race you.

Really? Isn't that
a little childish?

Bye, Ann.
Sorry, got to go. Hey, move! Oh!

Councilman Howser, sorry.
Nice to see you as always.

Bye.

Welcome to
Guerilla Marketing 101.

What is Guerilla Marketing?

A few ordinary schmoes,
no offense,

have a casual conversation
next to some guy

about how great
Snake Juice is.

Next thing you know that guy orders
a whole bottle of Snake Juice,

and he has no idea why.

April, you'll be playing a boring
beer drinker named Jennifer.

Andy, you are also a boring
beer drinker named Michael.

Jerry, you'll be playing
a boring beer drinker.

Your name will be Jerry.

Ron is going to play our
exciting Snake Juice drinker,

A.K.A. Brian Thunder.

Do you want us to memorize
this whole script?

Ideally, but if
you want to wing it,

your talking points are
high-end, VIP, lifestyle.

All right, let's
run through it once.

And action!

"The weather has
been so weird lately.

"Hey, let me
buy you all a drink."

"I'll take something
basic like a beer."

"Yeah, I'm pretty

"boring.

"So I'll take a beer, too."

"Not me. I want this
night to get K-razzy."

"Ca-razy." Like "crazy."

"I want this
night to get crazy.

"Get me a shot of Snake Juice.
I hear it has a dope aftertaste."

All right, that's
gonna be a cut. Um...

Ron, you got to say it
like you mean it.

I won't publicly
endorse a product

unless I use it exclusively
and I really believe in it.

My only official
recommendations

are U.S. Army-issued
mustache trimmers,

Morton Salt, and
the C.R. Laurence Fein

two-inch, axe-style scraper
oscillating knife blade.

We need to find a new PR Director
for the Health Department.

Dennis Cooper was
fired today.

Why?

Short answer,
he went bananas.

Long answer, his wife, Jan, had an
affair, gave him a venereal disease,

and so he put signs about her
all through City Hall.

I'm sure you've seen them.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

"Jan Cooper will
give you Chlamydia.

"Brought to you by the
Pawnee Health Department."

"Chlamydia affects
nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."

"The Department of Health
congratulates Jan Cooper.

"Miss Chlamydia."

"Jan, I love you.
Please come back.

"I realize that I'm
not blameless here.

"Please.

"Brought to you by
the Health Department."

"Re-elect Jan Cooper.
Mayor of Whoreville."

Leslie, I want you to help us
choose a replacement.

Parks and Health work closely
together on outdoor programs

and exercise initiatives.
Ann should do it.

Ann Perkins?

Pawnee is looking for a new PR
Director for the Health Department,

and I submitted your name.

You have an interview
tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

9:00 a.m. Wow. Yes, I know.
I couldn't get it earlier.

I'm...
Grateful. I know.

You can thank me later.

But first, you need to
go over your homework.

These are all
the health initiatives

the city has ever
undertaken since the 1960s.

So you need to
partially memorize that.

And it's gonna
be a long night,

so I got you
some energy drinks

and some chocolate-covered
espresso beans

and the book Freedom
by Jonathan Franzen.

Why am I reading this?

Because I'm almost
done with it, Ann.

And I want to talk
to you about Patty.

Okay, deep breath.

Okay. I've been a nurse
for over 10 years.

It's not something
you just quit.

I understand.

I just think with this new job,
you could make a difference.

Make real change happen.

Plus, we'd be working
in the same building.

No more lightning-round
catch-up sessions.

It would be nice
to have an office.

This is your destiny, Ann.

You don't want
to waste away

at Pawnee St. Joseph
Medical Center

and turn into her.

Ow!

Shut up.

And let's be honest,
it would be nice to not have

to pull strange things out
of people's butts every night.

You've mentioned that before.
That doesn't happen that often.

It happened once.
Just once.

That already is
too many times.

I hate talking to
people about things.

This is a nightmare.

I'm grouchy.

We have to support Tom. I don't
want to end up on that Done-zo list.

Think about it
as role-playing.

That makes it sexy.

That could be fun.
Really?

Can I use a weird voice
and try to freak people out?

Yes.
Okay.

Then next time you see me,

I'll be a stranger.

Hey, Tommy. I'm really hoping
this booze of yours is gonna sell,

because I am not going
to take a loss on this.

Nothing this
delicious will fail.

We'll see.
Check back with me in a couple of hours,

I'll let you know
how it's going.

Snake Juice! What? Here?

High-end, VIP, exclusive.

Hey, how's it going?

I think it's going okay.

People better buy this stuff,
or else I'm gonna be screwed.

It's gonna be fine.
People will definitely buy it.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.
"K" to the "N" to the "O-P-E,"

she's the dopest little shorty
in all Pawnee, Indiana

Why didn't you
just stop at "Pawnee"?

Leslie Knope, seriously,
you get sexier every day.

And that is not a line.
That is for real.

Oh, Jean-Ralphio.

So you're here helping Tom?

Absolutely. And it's
time to get that paper.

Get, get, get, get,
get that paper.

Snake Juice sales are
gonna be off the "churt."

Why? Because that "snizz" is
straight up "dee-Ioy-cious."

Well said.

Well, I know
tonight's gonna be

a big success,
and I wish I could stay.

I really do,
but I have to go help Ann.

She's gonna be up all night
cramming for a big job interview.

She might be
up all night,

but I think someone else is
gonna be doing the cramming.

Uh-oh.

Hey.
Hey.

I'm so happy to see you.

And I'm seeing you here.

Yes.
Yes, I'm surprised.

I thought maybe you'd be
home preparing for tomorrow.

Oh, well, there was
way too much stuff

for me to read tonight,
anyway.

I mean, it was a ridiculous
amount of stuff that you gave me.

Oh.

But you are going in
for the interview tomorrow?

I think so.

Uh-oh.

Is there enough room for some
"man-aise" in this lady sandwich?

Oh.

Leslie, this is my
friend Howard Tuttleman.

Oh, please.
Call me "The Douche."

You probably know me from my
morning radio show on 93.7,

"Crazy Ira and The Douche."

Yeah, I had
met you before.

I actually was on
your show once...

Wait! Were you on the show where
we had that stripper do math?

Classic, right?

Hello, strange person
who I have never met before.

Who are you?

I'm Janet Snakehole.

I'm a very rich widow with a
terrible secret. Who are you?

Bert Macklin, FBI.

I was the best
damn agent they had

until I was framed for
a crime I didn't commit.

Stealing
the President's rubies.

Now I work alone.

Lovely to meet you.

I got to admit,
I thought your costume

would maybe be
a little bit sluttier.

How dare you?

Nice.

Gentlemen.

Swan song. How you living?

Yes.

Why aren't you
holding a Snake Juice?

I'm more of a whiskey man.

Ron-Ron, come here.

Come here for a bit.
You're good right there.

Listen, you got to jump
on the Tommy Town Express.

This guy has some
of the best investment ideas

I've ever heard in my life.

Make a baby
tuxedo clothing line.

A department store
with a guest list.

White fur ear muffs
for men.

A new brand of
bottled water called H2-Ho.

Contact lenses that
display text messages.

Invent a phone
that smells good.

Own a night club
called Eclipse

that's only open for one
hour two times a year.

Cover charge, $5,000.

I can keep going.

How about this, Ron?

Try Snake Juice.

If you like it, you got
to talk it up all night.

If you don't, I'll
shave Jean-Ralphio's head.

Yeah, I'd like to see that.
Hit me.

A lot riding on this.

Damn, if that
isn't delicious.

"R" to the "O" to the "N"...

I say Swanson's got swagger
the size of a Big Ben clock

Dude, you got to
end it on the rhyme.

I know what I have to do.
You had it at "Ben."

I know. I got it.

You think I haven't
been around the world?

I've been everywhere, darling.
I'm a very wealthy woman.

My husband's kept me
in the finest clothes

from Bergdorf Goodman,
you see.

Freeze! FBI!

No! Leave me alone!

Hands in the air!

I didn't kill anybody!

And I didn't burn down the mill either.
My sister did.

But now she's
been eaten by wolves!

Nothing to see here.

So how did
you two meet?

We met at
the supermarket.

I used my classic
pickup line.

"If you're looking for douches,
they're in Aisle Me."

Awesome.
Yeah.

Oh, hey, by the way,
I don't think I can get that book back

from what's -his-name.

Oh, that's okay.

I mean, I should've
known better

than to loan something
to one of your boyfriends.

They come
and go so fast.

What are you
saying exactly?

Well, I mean, let's be honest.
How long is it gonna last with this guy?

Sitting right here.

I don't know.
He's dumb, but he's fun.

Thank you.

I mean,
that's the whole point of dating around

is you get to try on
a bunch of different hats.

Well, this hat is
an idiot.

Classic.

Leslie, are you mad that I came here?

What? No.

I'm not... Are you...
You seem mad at me.

No, I'm not...
I'm not mad at you.

I'm not mad at you.
I'm not mad at all.

Neither am I.
No.

Looks like you two
need to kiss and make up.

All right.

Hello. My name is
Ron Swanson.

In general, I try
never to speak with people,

but I have been drinking
this Snake Juice thing,

and it's damn good.

You should buy it.

Yeah, okay. Thanks, man.

Son, you should know
that my recommendation

is essentially a guarantee.

Drink this, now.

Traegermeister!
You made it.

Yeah, I got your email.
We need to talk.

First off, though,
try a little Snake Juice.

It's 140 proof,
which means it's 70% alcohol.

But don't worry. There's plenty of
caffeine in it to keep you awake.

I believe an ounce of that
would literally kill me.

You emailed
everyone at City Hall

and told them
to come to a club

that you own to buy alcohol
that you invented.

Government employees
can't use their power

to enhance their
personal wealth.

I totally get your point, Chris.
It won't happen again.

I just don't see
any way around it.

You're gonna have to sell
your shares in the Snakehole.

No!

T-Pain,
this guy bothering you?

This is my boss.
Okay, yeah.

You want me to write
a rap about your name?

Yes.

"B" to the
"O" to the double "S,"

do what he say,
and you'll be successful

No offense, but maybe
you think I'm going too fast

'cause you're going
too slow with Ben.

No offense, but I'm going slow
because I might lose my job.

Okay, no offense, but maybe
that's a little bit of an excuse

for not acting
on your feelings.

No offense,
but I don't remember you having

a nursing degree
in feelings.

Offense! That's rude.

I'm gonna go dance.

Douche, you're up.

Hey, are you okay?
I heard yelling.

Yeah, I'm very angry,
and I'm really drunk.

Do you want to dance with me?
Go get me another "Snork Juice."

That's maybe not
the best idea for you.

Forget it. Jean-Ralphio!

Yes, I'm here.
Dance up on me.

Yes, yes, yes.

How's it going with her?

Um, well, nothing's going
at all, really, because...

I don't know.
I feel like I just did something wrong.

She doesn't seem to
want to talk to me.

You should try role-play.
That's what me and April do.

That explains the outfit.

Yeah, you gotta dream up
some weird scenario

like you're her boss and sex is
forbidden because she works for you.

That is our
actual situation.

And she's addicted
to spanking.

Okay. Thanks,
we got it. We're good.

If you're worried about working
with Chris, it doesn't matter.

He's fine with it.
He said it wouldn't be weird.

You talked to Chris
before you talked to me?

Excuse me!

This is my first fight with Ann,
and it's a doozy.

But I believe that honest
discussions between friends

can lead to deeper intimacy.

This is a watershed moment
in our relationship,

and it's important
that we fight clean.

All I need to do is
focus and stay calm.

You're stupid,
and you're drunk and you're stupid.

I don't understand
how this is my fault.

It's not... Everything isn't
your fault all the time.

Don't always make
everything your fault.

Good! It's not all my fault.
I'm not the stupid jerk.

I'm not the one who's being
a stupid jerk right now.

I didn't mean it like that.
You know I didn't mean it like that.

I just meant you
were being stupid,

and you were
acting like a jerk.

Look, I'm sorry that I thought
about you for the job, okay?

But sometimes if I don't push
you in the right direction,

you end up
standing still.

I was just trying
to do you a favor.

Enough with
your favors, okay?

Stop.

Maybe we shouldn't
work together, then.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Every time I cleanse,

I can literally feel
the toxins leaving my body.

I know!
I feel so much healthier.

I've still got a full week
to go before the broth stage.

Mmm.

Pre-broth is an amazing stage.
It's when you're most alert.

Good. Someone needs
to be alert tonight.

This Snake Juice is
basically rat poison.

Everybody's wasted.

You don't even know one thing.
I didn't even say one thing.

And then she asked me the whole thing,
and I didn't even do it once.

I'm like an elephant, okay?

If I walk into a room,
it's like, okay, he's in there.

I'm gonna tell you,
that bitch over there...

I'm gonna tell...
I don't have to...

Bababooey.

Turn this music down.

Farts and poop
and love and stuff

Macaroni salad

Is this everybody?

Ann took a cab.

Tom's in the trunk.
Jerry's on the roof.

All right,
where to first?

Your mother's butt.

I'm so alone.

If even one of you thinks
about dry-heaving in my car,

you're all walking home.

Leslie.

I'm here.

We have to go hire a new PR
Director for the Health Department.

Oh, my God.
I'm so hung over.

I've never been
this hung over.

Are we dead?

I feel great.
I ran five k this morning.

Really?

No, I threw up
in the shower.

Top of the morning,
everyone.

I brought some
burgers and fries.

Eat up.

The protein
soaks up the sugar.

First,
you take the cow to the killing floor...

Well, I am
out of questions.

Thank you.
We will let you know.

Then our heads will explode,
and we will die.

Oh, God.

I cannot believe that
fight I had with Ann.

Look, I'm sure you
guys can work it out.

I owe her, like,
a million apologies.

I think I owe
you one, too.

I'm sorry.
For what?

I don't know.

Are you okay?

No, I'm sad.

Say, thanks, chum.
Ugh.

I'll get those papers
delivered for you.

Whatever.

Post-haste.

The doctor says it's probably
not serious, but it might be.

Oh, Kyle,
please stop talking.

Ring-a-ding-ding.
Who's calling?

Oh, is it Janet Snakehole? Why, yes
it is. And who's she calling for?

Mr. Bert Macklin,
and I'll tell you another thing...

Going down thing...
Going down the thing.

And there you go, you're going real
fast now. And who's this sorry charlie?

This sack of potatoes?

Honey, please.
I love you. No offense,

but Bert Macklin
died last night

after the tenth
shot of Snake Juice.

Okay, sorry.

Miss Snakehole.

You think I'd let you
get away that easily?

Bert Macklin may be dead,
but I'm his brother

Kip Hackman.

Why wouldn't you
have his same last name?

Shut up, Kyle.

I know you boosted
those paintings.

Maybe it was me,
but I'll never tell you where they are.

And you'll never
have my body either.

T, you don't even have to
worry about a thing. Why?

Because I'm gonna keep those
shares real tight for you.

Real nice and cozy-like.

Sorry to hear the news, Tom.
We're gonna miss you around the club.

Hey, you own shares, too.
Why didn't Chris make you sell?

'Cause Chris doesn't know.

You know what?

Snitches get stitches.

Donna, come on.
Don't.

I'm a natural moneymaker.

I got into government
for the connections.

This was supposed to be a thing
that led to the other thing.

It's like when
Vin did Boiler Room.

That's what led to him
being xXx and doing Furious.

And Furious. Yeah, I know.

Listen, I don't like
all this negativity, man.

Why don't you turn that
"frizz-own" "upside-dizzity." Huh?

This sucks, man.

You're wearing
snow pants.

I got home last night,
and I thought I might go sledding.

Can I come in?

Yeah, if you're quiet.
Okay.

Leslie doesn't know
I'm here.

Oh, God. So high school.

I can't believe that Leslie
and I got drunk in a bar

and fought about boys.

We're so much
better than that.

I just keep having
flashes of things

that we said to each other.

And she's so
important to me.

I acted like such a dick.

I don't know
you that well,

but you're clearly very
important to Leslie

and that must mean
you're a pretty great person.

I know she feels awful.

I mean,
technically, we all do.

Yeah. What the hell is
in Snake Juice, Demerol?

All I know is
Leslie's always talking

about how lucky she is
to have you as a friend.

And I just wanted
you to know that.

You're nice.

I can see why
she likes you.

When did she say...
Likes me?

Oh, God.
This is so high school.

Just rent a limo,
ask her to the prom.

I'm sure she'll say yes.

All right. Thanks.

So let me
get this straight.

Tom tries to get off the
government teat, and we punish him.

That doesn't make any sense to me.

I'm sorry.
Rules are rules.

I wish there was
something we could do.

Ben, is there
something we can do?

Damn it. Ben's not here.

Tom's not
scamming anyone.

He's not savvy enough to
manipulate the system like that.

He's just a kid
chasing a goofy dream.

I'm sorry.
My hands are tied.

Jan Cooper was
a terrible wife.

I just want
everybody to know that.

Thank you, Dennis.

But we can't give
you your job back.

You sound just like her.

That was unpleasant.
Yeah.

All right, who's next?

You came.

Yeah,
I had some encouragement.

Your sweater's
on inside out.

And backwards.

It's been a tough morning.

Lots of regret and shame.

That should be the official
slogan for Snake Juice.

Well, this
committee would like to ask

if you are the kind of candidate
who could forgive someone

after they've behaved
like a complete jackass?

This candidate could,

especially
because this candidate

also behaved like
a total jackass.

Please, don't worry about it.
The committee totally understands.

Also, I can talk about my
qualifications for this position.

But first, I am gonna go
throw up in a wastebasket.

Would you mind if I joined you?
Not at all.

Shall we?

Ann came in the next day and
had a second interview with Chris.

Great.

She nailed it, of course.

But she doesn't want to
totally leave her job.

So they struck up a deal.

She works at
City Hall part-time,

and two days a week,
she still gets to be

the greatest
nurse in the world.

Win-win.

We need to remember
what's important in life.

Friends, waffles, and work.

Or waffles, friends, work.
It doesn't matter.

But work is third.

So listen,
Crazy Ira, check this out, okay?

I'm at this club last night just
killing it, the Snakehole Lounge.

Oh, yeah,
is that a gay club?

Hello?

Shut up, ass.
Come on, man.

So I'm dancing on the floor
with this super-hot chick.

Me so horny.

More like a dude, I bet.

Hello?

Did you wet your whistle?

- I wish.
- Me likey.

No, no, no, no. She spent
the whole night talking to her friend,

arguing about
their feelings.

That's me!

Who knows?
She's probably a lesbian.

They were in
the bathroom a long time.