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00:00:01,167 --> 00:00:03,226
Pawnee is, as you all know,
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00:00:03,303 --> 00:00:05,533
the fourth most
obese city in America.
3
00:00:05,805 --> 00:00:08,672
Soon to be number three.
We're coming for you, San Antonio.
4
00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:12,041
No, we are not.
We are slimming down.
5
00:00:12,112 --> 00:00:14,103
Starting right
here at City Hall.
6
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:17,479
I am implementing a
government-wide health initiative.
7
00:00:17,550 --> 00:00:19,541
We could have a City Hall
dodgeball league!
8
00:00:19,619 --> 00:00:21,177
I have first pick,
and my pick is Ron.
9
00:00:21,388 --> 00:00:22,753
Great idea!
Keep 'em coming.
10
00:00:22,822 --> 00:00:25,916
Now, if anybody would like to join me,
I will be running backwards
11
00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:27,425
up the big hill
behind the Walmart.
12
00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:31,820
Don't freak out,
but Joe from Sewage
13
00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:33,695
just unhooked your
bra with his eyes.
14
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:34,961
What?
15
00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:36,657
Oh, boy.
16
00:00:36,903 --> 00:00:38,530
Hi, Joe.
What's up, Knope?
17
00:00:39,239 --> 00:00:41,764
Looking good these days.
What do you say?
18
00:00:42,242 --> 00:00:44,335
Van's out back.
Let's roll.
19
00:00:44,577 --> 00:00:45,874
Where is this coming from?
20
00:00:45,945 --> 00:00:47,879
I don't know.
You're putting out some vibe today.
21
00:00:47,947 --> 00:00:49,380
It's just driving me
crazy.
22
00:00:49,449 --> 00:00:51,144
Listen, if you're
looking for a good time,
23
00:00:51,351 --> 00:00:53,546
why don't you come on down
to the Toilet Party?
24
00:00:54,487 --> 00:00:56,318
That's what we call
the Sewage Department.
25
00:00:56,456 --> 00:00:57,855
Great. Okay.
26
00:00:59,192 --> 00:01:00,181
Liking the view.
27
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,558
Still got it, Joe.
- No, you don't.
28
00:01:25,351 --> 00:01:26,750
Christopher.
Got a second?
29
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:27,809
Oh, hey, Ron.
30
00:01:27,887 --> 00:01:29,946
Listen. I've eaten
a commissary hamburger
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00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,149
for lunch every
day for 12 years.
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00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:35,917
I just wanted to make sure this
pointless health crusade won't affect
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00:01:35,995 --> 00:01:38,190
the only part of
my job that I like.
34
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,164
Oh, no,
those hamburgers are gone.
35
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,894
Red meat can cause sluggishness,
heart disease, even impotence.
36
00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:45,363
Has the opposite
effect on me.
37
00:01:45,738 --> 00:01:47,137
You ever tried
a turkey burger?
38
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:50,106
Is that a fried turkey leg
inside a grilled hamburger?
39
00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:51,777
If so, yes. Delicious.
40
00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:54,711
A turkey burger. You take lean,
ground turkey meat,
41
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:57,079
you make that into a burger
instead of red meat.
42
00:01:57,150 --> 00:01:58,742
Why would anyone
do that to themselves?
43
00:01:58,818 --> 00:02:02,777
What if I told you that I could make
a turkey burger that tastes better
44
00:02:02,889 --> 00:02:04,914
than any other
burger you've ever had?
45
00:02:06,426 --> 00:02:09,918
Challenge accepted.
Cook-off later today in the courtyard.
46
00:02:10,096 --> 00:02:12,963
If I win, hamburgers remain
in the commissary.
47
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:14,325
What do I get if I win?
48
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:18,900
The rarest jewel of all.
Victory over me, Ron Swanson.
49
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,128
I like that.
50
00:02:20,573 --> 00:02:21,562
We're on.
51
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:24,337
You know, I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I actually checked out
52
00:02:24,410 --> 00:02:27,208
that snow globe museum
that you recommended,
53
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:28,611
and it was pretty awesome.
54
00:02:28,681 --> 00:02:29,670
Yeah.
I have to say.
55
00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:31,478
I mean, I did get in
trouble for shaking one...
56
00:02:31,551 --> 00:02:33,610
Yeah, I'm not
allowed there anymore.
57
00:02:33,686 --> 00:02:34,948
So, I have some ideas
for the health initiative.
58
00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:37,546
Oh, okay.
How about I swing by later
59
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,990
and we'll just, you know,
we'll go over everything?
60
00:02:40,059 --> 00:02:42,425
Or we could go out
after work.
61
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:45,058
You know, go to J.J.'s or something,
grab a bite?
62
00:02:45,131 --> 00:02:47,224
Um, I don't think I can.
63
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:50,736
But why don't we just talk about
it later, in this building?
64
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:53,932
Okay? All right.
65
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:58,305
But, you're great.
And you have great ideas. And...
66
00:02:58,945 --> 00:03:00,810
Uh...
67
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,171
Bye.
68
00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:07,650
Bye, babe.
69
00:03:08,621 --> 00:03:11,089
Hey, I brought this cholesterol
testing kit for the health thing.
70
00:03:11,157 --> 00:03:15,685
Okay, let's do it. So, I asked
Ben out to dinner and he said no.
71
00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:16,984
What?
Yeah.
72
00:03:17,063 --> 00:03:19,531
He seemed really into you.
What did he say exactly?
73
00:03:19,599 --> 00:03:21,999
He was like,
"Huh? What? Uh... Bye."
74
00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:24,468
And then, he walked into
an office that wasn't his.
75
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:26,630
You know what? If he doesn't want
to go out with you, he's nuts.
76
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:29,766
You're awesome, and there's a
million other guys out there.
77
00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:32,640
I have been having so much fun
just dating a bunch of people.
78
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:34,577
I know. Who was that guy you
were talking to out there?
79
00:03:34,647 --> 00:03:35,705
And then also kissing?
80
00:03:35,782 --> 00:03:38,580
I was... Crap on a crayfish.
That really stings.
81
00:03:38,651 --> 00:03:39,640
I haven't
pricked you, yet.
82
00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:41,578
Oh, sorry.
I was just picturing it.
83
00:03:41,654 --> 00:03:43,781
You know what?
Maybe you need to cast a wider net.
84
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:45,221
Have you thought
about Internet dating?
85
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:48,419
Really? I don't think that's for me.
You're a monster.
86
00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:49,650
Still haven't
done it, yet.
87
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,027
You know what? I'll help you
set up a profile. It'll be fun.
88
00:03:52,098 --> 00:03:54,362
All right. Yeah, let's do it.
Okay. Good. I'm glad that's over.
89
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:55,423
Oh, it's not.
90
00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:57,898
you, Ann!
91
00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:01,170
Who the hell is Forp?
92
00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:03,972
I don't know.
I couldn't really hear him.
93
00:04:04,043 --> 00:04:05,670
It sounded like
his name was Forp.
94
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,542
Get his number?
No.
95
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:09,211
Good girl.
96
00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:12,280
Ron Swanson. April Ludgate.
97
00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:14,283
Hey, I'm just gonna pop over
to Grain 'N Simple
98
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:15,616
to get the very
best ingredients
99
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:17,052
for my burger.
Do you wanna come?
100
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:19,090
What is Grain 'N Simple?
101
00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:20,250
It's a health food store.
102
00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:21,883
Pawnee doesn't have
a health food store.
103
00:04:21,961 --> 00:04:24,896
No, but Snerling does.
And it's only a 40-minute drive.
104
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:26,423
What are you doing, Andy?
105
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:28,399
I'm getting healthier snacks
for the shoeshine stand.
106
00:04:28,468 --> 00:04:29,799
Chris is a food genius.
107
00:04:30,169 --> 00:04:32,069
Did you know that the food
you eat becomes energy?
108
00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:34,533
Yeah. Boom.
That's spaghetti.
109
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:38,835
Nachos. That's a cookie.
110
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,375
That's my husband.
111
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:43,608
See you tomorrow?
Okay.
112
00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:45,675
Is that a different guy
from earlier?
113
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:46,877
What?
Never mind.
114
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,314
You ready to
rock this profile?
115
00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:49,648
All right.
116
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:51,684
Yellow-haired female.
117
00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:54,788
Likes waffles and news.
118
00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:59,058
Sexy, well-read blonde.
Loves the sweeter things in life.
119
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,895
Much better.
Hobbies?
120
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:03,594
Organizing my agenda.
Wait, that doesn't sound fun.
121
00:05:04,537 --> 00:05:06,402
Jamming on my planner.
122
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:07,799
Favorite place?
123
00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:10,468
Upstairs, there is
this mural of wildflowers.
124
00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:12,272
And I like to sit on
a bench in front of it.
125
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,038
Really? It could be
anywhere in the world.
126
00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:17,240
Paris, Hawaii,
the Grand Canyon.
127
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,285
Nope. Just the bench
in front of the mural.
128
00:05:19,352 --> 00:05:21,650
What about, like,
an actual meadow where wildflowers are?
129
00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:24,155
Eww, Ann.
I'm scared of bees. Mural.
130
00:05:24,457 --> 00:05:25,549
Okay. What do you
think of dogs?
131
00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:26,784
Love.
132
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:28,053
Cats?
Love.
133
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,488
Fish?
Love.
134
00:05:29,729 --> 00:05:30,821
Turtles?
135
00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:32,055
No opinion.
136
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,631
They're condescending.
137
00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:37,693
Describe your ideal man.
138
00:05:38,738 --> 00:05:44,199
He's dark and mysterious.
And he can sing. And he plays the organ.
139
00:05:44,877 --> 00:05:47,107
I think you just described
the Phantom of the Opera.
140
00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:48,536
Hmm.
141
00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:52,509
Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.
142
00:05:52,585 --> 00:05:53,609
Hey, Chris.
143
00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:55,153
Amber. Annie. Bill. Johnny.
144
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,783
No. I don't planto buy anything here.
145
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:02,323
I buy my burger ingredients
at Food and Stuff,
146
00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:05,759
a discount food outlet equidistant
from my home and my work.
147
00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:09,391
I came here for the same
reason people go to the zoo.
148
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:12,793
Shh.
149
00:06:13,005 --> 00:06:14,734
Look at that thing.
150
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:19,138
Nature is amazing.
151
00:06:19,712 --> 00:06:20,701
Okay.
152
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:24,145
Oh, my God. A 98% match?
153
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:26,013
That's
a soul mate-level match.
154
00:06:26,152 --> 00:06:27,915
I've never seen
anything this high before.
155
00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:30,183
Awesome.
156
00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:33,549
Okay. I know what you're thinking.
And you know what?
157
00:06:33,626 --> 00:06:36,993
You have to forget about Ben.
He had his chance and he blew it.
158
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:40,328
This computer could have found
the future Mr. Leslie Knope.
159
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:46,100
Yeah. Okay. Entire universe of guys
I might date, let's see what you got.
160
00:06:52,211 --> 00:06:54,406
This is Craig at hoosiermate.com. How can I help you?
161
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,879
Craig, your service
is crap.
162
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,241
Can you be more specific?
163
00:06:57,316 --> 00:06:59,910
Yes. Your soul mate match
was totally wrong for me.
164
00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:02,887
I mean, I like him as a friend and everything,
but I'd never go out with him.
165
00:07:02,955 --> 00:07:04,149
He's like
a little sister to me.
166
00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:05,656
We have a verysophisticated algorithm
167
00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:07,225
that's paired upthousands of couples.
168
00:07:07,326 --> 00:07:09,123
I actually met mywife on the site.
169
00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:10,628
Really?
Well, that's not gonna last.
170
00:07:10,696 --> 00:07:11,788
Excuse me?
You heard me.
171
00:07:11,864 --> 00:07:13,729
Your marriage is a sham.
Goodbye, Craig. No, actually...
172
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:16,090
See you, sweetheart.
173
00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:19,170
He seems nice.
174
00:07:19,238 --> 00:07:21,536
Eh, he kind of lives
in a barn. What's up?
175
00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:23,574
What's wrong with me?
Why do good guys hate me
176
00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:24,837
and gross guys love me?
177
00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:26,037
Diagnose me.
You're a nurse.
178
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,773
There's nothing
wrong with you.
179
00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:31,339
You're an intelligent, classy,
attractive woman.
180
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:33,485
But for whatever reason,
right now,
181
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:35,748
only douchey guys are
buying what you're selling.
182
00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:38,947
So, I should go and ask them
what they think I'm selling.
183
00:07:40,059 --> 00:07:41,959
A douche-vestigation.
184
00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:43,826
Nice.
185
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:46,560
Hi, Joe. I know you're gonna
take this the wrong way,
186
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,122
but can I talk to
you for a second?
187
00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:50,927
You can do anything to me,
for any number of seconds.
188
00:07:51,003 --> 00:07:52,027
Hmm.
189
00:07:52,104 --> 00:07:53,662
Would you like to
talk outside in my van?
190
00:07:53,739 --> 00:07:58,870
No, here's fine. I was flattered
by what you said earlier.
191
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,908
And I was just wondering,
what do you look for in a woman?
192
00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:06,710
She can't be in a wheelchair.
No canes. No gray hair.
193
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:08,081
So, basically,
you're just attracted to me
194
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,518
because I'm not
an elderly person.
195
00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:14,754
Yeah. And as I aforementioned,
you have a killer dumpster.
196
00:08:17,196 --> 00:08:18,356
What does this do?
197
00:08:25,738 --> 00:08:29,401
Would you like to sample our
vegan bacon? 100% meatless.
198
00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:31,074
Yes, please.
199
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,375
Another, please.
200
00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:43,221
Sir? Is there a problem?
201
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,154
I'm just making sure no
one ever has to eat this.
202
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:48,692
I don't think I can
give you any more.
203
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,017
I want one.
204
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:51,452
Hey.
205
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,761
Yeah, I'm calling to
lodge a complaint about
206
00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:59,064
the seaweed and
almond under-eye cream
207
00:08:59,138 --> 00:09:01,163
I purchased from you guys.
208
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,299
Oh, my problem is
it smells terrible.
209
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,874
Yeah, I even mixed it
with another
210
00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:06,376
under-eye cream
and it still smelled.
211
00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:09,538
So, I ruined two eye creams.
Yes, I will hold.
212
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:17,413
Forever young,I wanna be forever young
213
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:20,754
Do you reallywanna live forever
214
00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:23,920
What's this?
215
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:25,121
Dragon fruit.
216
00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:27,860
What's this?
217
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,729
A kiwano, or horned melon.
218
00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:30,996
What's this?
219
00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:32,365
A peach.
220
00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:34,962
I knew that.
221
00:09:35,441 --> 00:09:40,003
Wow! Fresh lettuce is my
all-time favorite food.
222
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,402
What's your favorite food?
223
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:45,382
Well, I take Skittles,
and I put it between two Starbursts.
224
00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:47,415
You know what I call it?
Skittle sandwich?
225
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:51,788
That's pretty good.
No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.
226
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:56,284
It's nice because
the flavor of the Starbursts
227
00:09:56,596 --> 00:10:01,499
really bring out a similar
flavor in the Skittles.
228
00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:05,899
Forever young I wanna be...
229
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,970
Hey, Tom.
230
00:10:08,407 --> 00:10:09,533
What's up?
231
00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:11,775
Do you wanna go to lunch?
232
00:10:12,244 --> 00:10:14,474
No, I don't really
feel like going to J.J.'s.
233
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,879
We can go anywhere.
Your choice. I'm buying.
234
00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:19,346
Can I get apps
and 'zerts?
235
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:21,584
'Zerts are what
I call desserts.
236
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:23,086
Tray-trays are entrees.
237
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:26,488
I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles,
or Adam Sandlers.
238
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:29,192
Air conditioners are
cool blasterz, with a Z.
239
00:10:29,261 --> 00:10:30,489
I don't know
where that came from.
240
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,656
I call cakes
big ol' cookies.
241
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,960
I call noodles
long-ass rice.
242
00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:37,229
Fried chicken is
fry-fry chicky-chick.
243
00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:39,496
Chicken parm is
chicky-chicky parm-parm.
244
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:41,767
Chicken cacciatore?
Chicky catch.
245
00:10:41,841 --> 00:10:44,674
I call eggs
pre-birds or future birds.
246
00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:46,506
Root beer is super water.
247
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,404
Tortillas are bean blankies.
248
00:10:48,547 --> 00:10:51,846
And I call forks food rakes.
249
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:55,577
Yeah.
You can get as many 'zerts as you want.
250
00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:57,781
Well, let's get
in my go-go mobile.
251
00:10:58,290 --> 00:10:59,279
Car.
252
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:03,061
This'll be fun. Let's say you rub
a bottle and a genie comes out
253
00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:05,222
and gives you three wishes.
What would those wishes be?
254
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,023
Come on, Leslie.
This'll be a fun game.
255
00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:08,191
Three wishes. Go.
256
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:11,861
Okay. First wish? I have a huge
house with a ton of balconies.
257
00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:13,195
Yeah. Okay.
258
00:11:13,272 --> 00:11:14,432
And I would just
stand out there
259
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,135
and survey my empire, like a drug
dealer in a Michael Bay movie.
260
00:11:17,209 --> 00:11:19,404
And I'll just
spend my time out there
261
00:11:19,478 --> 00:11:22,811
reading my iPad and drinking
espressos in a terry cloth robe.
262
00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:25,140
Wish number two.
263
00:11:25,217 --> 00:11:29,017
Okay. I'm the CEO of
the Spike TV network.
264
00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:34,416
And my best friend slash personal
assistant is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.
265
00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:37,892
And we create a raunchy animated
series based on our friendship,
266
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:40,498
called Tommy and the Foxx.
267
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,334
Okay. We don't have
to do this anymore.
268
00:11:43,402 --> 00:11:46,963
No, no. I'm into it now. Wish number
three. They remake Point Break.
269
00:11:47,406 --> 00:11:50,534
I play both roles.
Keanu and Swayze.
270
00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:52,341
I think if you
continue cross-training
271
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:53,843
the way you have,
you're gonna...
272
00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:58,147
I don't see any ingredients.
Have you bought ingredients?
273
00:11:58,451 --> 00:11:59,611
Nope.
274
00:11:59,752 --> 00:12:02,016
Do you need help shopping?
No.
275
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:04,386
Are you hurt? Can you move?
Never felt better.
276
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:07,949
Chris! Can I get these?
277
00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:09,721
I said one thing.
278
00:12:11,197 --> 00:12:12,391
Honey?
279
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:13,557
Pinwheel.
280
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,934
Let's play a different game.
I'm gonna say stuff about me,
281
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:19,732
and you say,
on a scale from 1 to 10,
282
00:12:19,872 --> 00:12:21,635
how interested in
that thing you are.
283
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:23,201
Ready?
Okay.
284
00:12:23,442 --> 00:12:26,104
I love sunshine and fresh
air and early-morning walks.
285
00:12:26,278 --> 00:12:28,007
One.
I've read five biographies
286
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,172
of Eleanor Roosevelt.
One.
287
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:30,977
I work at the Parks
and Recreation... One.
288
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:32,176
That's what you do.
One.
289
00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:33,909
I once kissed
a girl in college.
290
00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:35,112
Eight.
291
00:12:35,187 --> 00:12:37,155
Where I graduated summa
cum laude in history.
292
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:40,021
One. Zero. Negative a billion.
Don't talk about it anymore, please.
293
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,988
I love Food and Stuff.
294
00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:49,099
It's where I buy
all of my food.
295
00:12:50,669 --> 00:12:52,466
And most of my stuff.
296
00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:55,099
Hey, can I get these?
297
00:12:55,241 --> 00:12:56,401
How much are they?
298
00:12:56,976 --> 00:12:58,443
Two bucks apiece.
299
00:12:58,511 --> 00:12:59,637
Good deal.
300
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:02,742
Anything else?
301
00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:05,375
Nope. Just the crows
and the beef.
302
00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:08,649
So, the only thing that's
important to you is hotness?
303
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,518
Wendy? Lucy? All you cared about
was the shape of their boobs?
304
00:13:11,590 --> 00:13:14,923
No, I really liked them,
and they happened to have nice breasts.
305
00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:17,629
You're acting really weird.
What did you even buy me lunch for?
306
00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:20,096
Just so you could yell at me
for what I like about women?
307
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:23,093
Okay. Promise
not to tell anyone?
308
00:13:23,169 --> 00:13:24,158
Sure.
309
00:13:24,236 --> 00:13:28,639
This is insane, but you and I got
matched up on hoosiermate. com.
310
00:13:30,209 --> 00:13:31,608
98% match.
311
00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:34,178
Soul mate-level match.
312
00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:39,379
You wanna date me!
This is a date!
313
00:13:39,451 --> 00:13:41,146
This is not
a date, okay?
314
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:44,781
You took me to a fancy restaurant,
you paid for my meal,
315
00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:46,119
and you're trying to
get to know me better.
316
00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:47,887
I was just trying to
figure out why only
317
00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:49,722
sleazy guys are
into me right now.
318
00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:52,263
Nice try. You love me.
319
00:13:52,932 --> 00:13:55,526
Leslie Knope,Tom Haverford
320
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,296
Dating in the day,dating in the night
321
00:13:58,437 --> 00:14:00,905
Dating all day 'causehe's keeping it tight
322
00:14:00,973 --> 00:14:01,962
All right, Tom. Enough.
323
00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:04,509
Dating in the car,dating on the floor
324
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:07,135
Dating everywhere'cause she wants some more
325
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:10,671
What, yeah,oh, we're going to, yeah...
326
00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:14,211
Hey, Tom,
I'm just printing out these health tips.
327
00:14:14,286 --> 00:14:15,685
Can you grab them for me?
328
00:14:15,754 --> 00:14:18,814
One second. I'm just looking
at some real estate listings.
329
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:21,290
Oh, this is perfect for us.
330
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,352
Three-bedroom, and...
Oh, God, Les.
331
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,498
It has that dream closet
you've always wanted.
332
00:14:27,566 --> 00:14:28,590
A walk-in closet.
333
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:29,656
Oh, God.
334
00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:32,704
Hey, hey, boo.
What's wrong?
335
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:36,263
Where did you go?
Come back to me.
336
00:14:36,342 --> 00:14:37,400
Stop it.
337
00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:39,740
Don't disappear on me.
I need you, boo.
338
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:46,511
All right. Let's get into it.
What do you guys have for health tips?
339
00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:48,746
Ben, if it's okay
with you, Leslie and I
340
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,288
are going to lead
the meeting today,
341
00:14:50,356 --> 00:14:52,654
because of our deep
spiritual connection.
342
00:14:53,192 --> 00:14:56,525
Okay. All right.
Is everything okay or...
343
00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:57,653
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
344
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,095
Everything is great, Ben.
345
00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:02,930
Les and I just had something
magical happen today at lunch.
346
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:06,227
There is some weird juju
in this room right now.
347
00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:09,771
Office yoga. We do stretches
at our desk or next to our desk
348
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:12,504
or in a chair.
Always good for you.
349
00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:16,948
We give everyone pedometers
and we have a contest.
350
00:15:17,016 --> 00:15:19,450
Whoever takes
the most steps wins a prize.
351
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,148
Anything to get
their heart rate up.
352
00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:24,412
You know what else
gets people's heart rate up?
353
00:15:25,524 --> 00:15:26,513
Doing it.
354
00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:29,390
Talking about
sex with my boss.
355
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:33,792
Can you excuse us for a second?
Yeah.
356
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,857
Hey. Can I talk to you for a second?
357
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:36,959
Let me get off the chair.
358
00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:38,702
Hey...
What is wrong with you?
359
00:15:38,837 --> 00:15:41,806
Leslie. It's the workplace. You're
being a little bit too feisty right now.
360
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:44,468
You are being a little bit too
much of an ass right now. Okay?
361
00:15:44,543 --> 00:15:46,010
Knock it off.
362
00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:48,213
I can't fight
this feeling anymore.
363
00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:51,310
You and I, we're dating.
364
00:15:55,854 --> 00:15:56,843
You should be so lucky.
365
00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:58,785
Leslie.
Huh?
366
00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:00,814
Tom.
367
00:16:05,197 --> 00:16:06,824
They should fix that.
368
00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:10,263
It was all just a joke.
369
00:16:10,336 --> 00:16:12,998
I can assure you, there's nothing
romantic going on between me and Tom.
370
00:16:13,072 --> 00:16:15,700
I have a very strict policy.
No office relationships,
371
00:16:16,241 --> 00:16:18,641
particularly between a
supervisor and an employee.
372
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:22,445
The taxpayers pay us.
So, we can't have anything appearing
373
00:16:22,514 --> 00:16:23,538
even remotely scandalous.
374
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,310
I'm just saying, if you can't
keep your mouth to yourself,
375
00:16:25,384 --> 00:16:26,408
I'm gonna have
to suspend you.
376
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:27,708
I understand.
377
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,447
Look. Cucumber flower.
378
00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:32,049
Wow, that's so cute.
379
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:35,289
Wait, that's a garnish.
You're not supposed to eat that.
380
00:16:35,361 --> 00:16:36,350
What?
381
00:16:36,428 --> 00:16:38,157
So, just type up those
ones we talked about,
382
00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:40,026
and we'll get it
finalized tomorrow.
383
00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:41,188
Yep.
384
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:43,359
Hey, Tom.
Yeah.
385
00:16:45,871 --> 00:16:48,465
What was all that
stuff with you and Leslie?
386
00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:51,168
Girl likes Indian food.
What can I say?
387
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:54,602
Fine. We got matched up
on an online dating site.
388
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,807
And I was messing
with her, she got pissed.
389
00:16:56,882 --> 00:16:59,783
So, she took me out in the hallway
and kissed me, out of revenge.
390
00:17:00,119 --> 00:17:01,177
Really?
391
00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:04,916
And as much as it pains me to
admit this, it was not disgusting.
392
00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:06,958
Okay. Well, I don't need
the details or anything.
393
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,687
I'm just saying.
She knows what to do.
394
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:09,853
All right.
395
00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:11,657
Like, I was impressed.
Yeah.
396
00:17:11,897 --> 00:17:13,694
It was stirring.
397
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,494
Goodbye.
It felt like...
398
00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:16,656
Yeah.
All right.
399
00:17:16,735 --> 00:17:17,929
Just...
400
00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:19,527
Anyway, like I was saying...
401
00:17:20,005 --> 00:17:21,336
I humbly place before you
402
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:23,875
my east-meets-west patented
Traeger Turkey Burger,
403
00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:28,179
an Asian-fusion burger made with
Willow Farms organic turkey,
404
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:31,080
a toasted taleggio cheese crisp,
papaya chutney,
405
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:33,448
black truffle aioli,
and microgreens
406
00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:35,883
on a gluten-free
brioche bun. Enjoy.
407
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,181
Mmm.
Mmm.
408
00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:39,588
This tastes as
delicious as Beyonc� smells.
409
00:17:39,758 --> 00:17:40,850
I'm guessing.
410
00:17:41,026 --> 00:17:43,221
What is this in here?
Saffron?
411
00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:45,263
Wow! Somebody's
got a sharp palate.
412
00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:47,560
I love the umami flavor.
413
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:49,498
Stop being
so pretentious, Kyle.
414
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:50,557
Sorry.
415
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:56,097
Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made
out of meat, on a bun, with nothing.
416
00:17:56,942 --> 00:17:59,604
Add ketchup if you want.
I couldn't care less.
417
00:18:01,547 --> 00:18:03,879
Ron, I am so disappointed.
418
00:18:03,949 --> 00:18:05,849
I thought that you and I were
gonna have a real challenge.
419
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:07,646
Never mind.
This is better.
420
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:08,708
Way better.
421
00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:10,185
Mmm. Yep.
Mmm-hmm.
422
00:18:11,056 --> 00:18:12,045
Kyle?
423
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:13,823
Sorry, Andy.
Ron's is better.
424
00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:18,292
Damn it, Kyle. Oh, my God.
It's so much better, it's crazy.
425
00:18:19,331 --> 00:18:22,232
Turkey can never
beat cow, Chris. Sorry.
426
00:18:23,135 --> 00:18:24,397
Well, I don't understand.
427
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:27,030
I've tinkered with
this recipe for years.
428
00:18:27,372 --> 00:18:30,273
Granted, it's been a long time
since I've had a hamburger.
429
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:40,282
This is better.
The commissary will continue to serve
430
00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:42,377
horrifying, artery-clogging hamburgers.
431
00:18:46,492 --> 00:18:49,325
Man. We spent, like, 50 hours
working on those burgers.
432
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,089
I know.
Hard work never pays off.
433
00:18:52,164 --> 00:18:53,153
Cooking is dumb.
434
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:59,203
I swear on this dead crow that
I will never cook for you.
435
00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:02,233
I love you.
436
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:04,900
I just wanted to make sure that
there were no hard feelings
437
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,501
after I forced you
to break up with Tom.
438
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:10,440
Oh, we weren't...
No. No hard feelings.
439
00:19:10,716 --> 00:19:13,446
'Cause it's just a real bugaboo of mine.
And it applies to everyone.
440
00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:15,915
Just the other day,
Ben told me that he might
441
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,546
want to socialize with
somebody from the government
442
00:19:17,623 --> 00:19:19,386
and I said, "I'm sorry.
Not possible."
443
00:19:19,791 --> 00:19:22,225
Really? Did he say who?
444
00:19:22,794 --> 00:19:26,286
No, and I didn't ask. Because it's irrelevant.
He oversees every department.
445
00:19:26,632 --> 00:19:29,726
It simply can't happen.
This is literally the best thing I've ever eaten.
446
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:32,462
Mmm. And it's so bad for me.
447
00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:35,098
I'm gonna have to jog while
I digest this. Excuse me.
448
00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:38,066
Hey. What's up?
449
00:19:38,143 --> 00:19:41,510
Hey. Well, I think
I'm allergic to chutney.
450
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,547
Also, what's chutney?
451
00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:45,348
No clue.
Yeah.
452
00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:47,078
Hey, I never got to tell
you the rest of my ideas.
453
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:49,052
You wanna go somewhere
and talk about them?
454
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:52,682
Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.
Let me get some actual food,
455
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:57,718
and then, do you know that wildflower
mural up on the second floor?
456
00:19:58,163 --> 00:19:59,187
Mmm-hmm.
457
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:00,959
Yeah? You wanna meet there?
458
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,023
Yeah.
Okay.
459
00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:04,090
Sounds good.
460
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,470
I don't know ifthe online thing is for me.
461
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:09,271
I prefer to meetpeople in person.
462
00:20:09,908 --> 00:20:12,934
It's like door number twoon Let's Make a Deal.
463
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,437
Do you wantthe thing that you have,
464
00:20:16,582 --> 00:20:19,107
that you know you like,but isn't perfect,
465
00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:22,777
or do you give it up forwhat's behind door number two?
466
00:20:25,257 --> 00:20:26,588
I think I like what I have.
467
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,857
I'm gonna try to
make it work with Tom.
468
00:20:31,597 --> 00:20:32,586
I'm kidding!
469
00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:37,697
All right, be honest, Tom.
How did you and I get matched up?
470
00:20:38,036 --> 00:20:39,560
I made 26 profiles,
471
00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,435
each designed to attract
a different type of girl.
472
00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:44,141
Tom A. Haverford.
Sporty and sexy.
473
00:20:44,876 --> 00:20:47,470
Tom B. Haverford,
smooth and soulful.
474
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,380
Which letter did you get?
475
00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:51,075
N, Tom N. Haverford.
476
00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:53,774
The N
stands for nerd!
477
00:20:53,852 --> 00:20:56,047
I never even check that one,
'cause no one ever responds to it.
478
00:20:56,121 --> 00:20:57,179
Okay. Well, whatever.
479
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,417
Tom N. Haverford
collects globes.
480
00:20:59,491 --> 00:21:00,549
Great. That's enough.
481
00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:02,685
His favorite movie
is books.
482
00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:04,117
Donna?
483
00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:10,828
Every time I want you
to shut up, from now on.
36833
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